mystery spot

Here's another one of those damn curveballs Life is infamous for throwing at us...

Himself's oncology follow up brought some unexpected news: there is a "mystery spot" next to his liver that was found on the latest CT scan. It's about an inch in diameter and wasn't present three months ago. It's not a coincidence that Himself hasn't been able to have his CBD oil consistently over these past three months, thanks to our ongoing financial challenges. From that persepective, it's not a total surprise that something would come up.

I guess it wasn't alarming enough in and of itself to call about, but I would have appreciated a heads-up about the spot, and I'm willing to bet Himself would have as well.

The immediate course of action is to have a PET scan, which is scheduled for tomorrow, to see how significantly said mystery spot is glowing. (The brighter the glow, the more likely it's cancerous.) Then there will be a discussion about those results this Thursday, followed most likely by a biopsy. Treatment options, if needed, will be discussed after that.

Hellfire and damnation.

Though Himself is understandably unsettled by the prospect of more cancer and more treatment, that's not my top concern. My concern is returning to the role of caring for two people at the same time, with very little, if any, available help.

The Queen Mother is not the same as she was in 2016. Her body has definitely picked up the pace to catch up with her mind. True, she's not nose-diving into the ground, but she has not been the same since her dual appointments at the start of this month. This past Friday she went to bed super early, claiming not to be hungry and declining dinner, which just about triggered a full blown panic attack in me. She turned out to be fine - even getting up at midnight to take out her dentures - and is back to complaining about silly things, but I am very much aware that she is going to need Supervision sooner rather than later. She's also continuing to drop words and finding it harder to keep track of conversations, so her mind continues to lead the way Homeward.

I am trying to take each day as it comes and not "future trip," as a good friend of mine put it. My first priority is to stay Sane. I will work on Positivity later. For the record, the cats are taking turns in snoozing on me/beside me. (Inkblot is snoring beside me as I type this.) I would have lost it long ago if it hadn't been for their presence in my life.

Will return later with an update, when I have it. Prayers appreciated in the meantime. 

parallel paths

Of course, after I post about how wonderful and optimistic everything was feeling, along came some other rising tides that were not so fun, although they turned out to be very insightful.

There was the anger that arose from deep within as I moved through some Pre-Menstrual Sensitivity. Once I had fully felt the anger, I realized it was arising from a big unmet need that I have been challenged by on this Odyssey: the need for Respite. Finding breathing space for myself is not easy with only one car to split between two drivers, along with a limited gas budget. I would love for Himself to stay home a bit more so I could "escape" for a few hours while he keeps an eye on the Queen Mother, but he has "Year End Obligations" as Treasurer of the Alano Club: reports to put together, donor thank you letters to send, information to get together for tax purposes. I try not to get resentful as he fulfills his obligations, but sometimes it's sorely tempting.

I feel like I am traveling on parallel paths: the path of the Burdened Caregiver, taking care of a mother who is sliding once again downhill (slowly, easily, but definitely downhill), and the path of the Home-Based Entrepreneur, who has found her voice  again and is re-establishing herself after a significant absence. As much as I would like to set up shop and perhaps even start making a little money for myself, without opportunities for Respite, doing anything with any sort of consistency will be impossible, as long as taking care of the Queen Mother is my top, and overwhelming, priority.

As long as I'm on this topic, there is also something a little disconcerting about feeling like I'm coming back to life at the same time the Queen Mother is getting nearer, however incrementally, to her passing. It almost feels like I'm doing her a disservice by not waiting till after she's gone before fully stepping back into my life. Ridiculous, of course, but that's how caregiving for a parent (especially) can warp one's thinking.  I am in another period of adjustment, seeing what I need to do to balance this equation once more, and I need to give myself credit for that.

Tomorrow I begin my Moontime once more, and will see if I can take the opportunity to chart a new course through these unknown waters I am sailing through in this Odyssey of mine.

turning tides

So I am sitting here, writing a new blog post and sipping some "Candy Cane Green Tea" from Trader Joes, a gift from a friend. There is a lot of Peppermint in this tea, as my mouth tingles a little after every sip! I am wanting an Evening Teatime as of late, to bookend the Tea and Morning Pages time that seems to help me anchor myself as I start my day. Perhaps it is my version of a digestif; if nothing else, it's definitely much lower in calories than anything I could munch on, and I've done enough of that already in this Odyssey, to my detriment!

Anyway, some better updates:
The Queen Mother seems to be improving incrementally. She is no longer spending half the day in bed, and is sounding more like her usual self. I say that she's not truly decent unless she has something to complain about, and she is picking up about where she left off, which was the day of her doctor's appointments. She is emailing her friends again, so this is also good.

Himself received an update from his personal injury attorney. One of the insurance agencies for one of the other drivers involved in the car accident in 2018 had agreed to what Himself's attorney had asked for, and had cut a check. Now there is the matter of persuading the other insurance agency to follow suit. Even if this agency agrees tomorrow and cuts the check, though, we're still not finished. There is the matter of asking our insurance agency if they would be willing to reduce their reimbursement request for the Med-Pay that Himself received to take care of his various post-accident complaints. Then we circle back once again to your friend and mine, the Veteran's Administration. Apparently they need to be asked if they would be willing to settle for less than their billed amount - which also happens to contain items that had nothing to do with the accident. We might be waiting until the next decade starts for a response, and I'm only half-joking.

Something interesting has been happening to me in the interim. I found a post on Instagram about something called the "30 Day Perfectionism Challenge," which is about breaking out of perfectionist tendencies. I embraced this challenge and have been doing it imperfectly in a big way. I've fallen behind and caught up. I've swapped days around as I've needed to. I have also made videos in response to some of these prompts. In so doing, parts of myself that I thought had been lost during this Odyssey have been found, and I feel like I'm getting back into my groove. I'm not sure what will happen once the challenge is over, but I will see if I can keep the momentum going.

May these tides continue to turn in my favor! :)

notes on the queen mother

Here we are, a bit more than a week into the new year/decade, and this is the first entry on this blog for 2020. I will be honest, I've been rather distracted by the Queen Mother for much of this time. She had a pair of doctors appointments on the 2nd, and has been on a downhill slope ever since. (Not a steep slope, but moving in a definite downhill direction nonetheless.) :(

What it looks like: she has been getting up later in the morning. She eats breakfast, but not as much as in the past, and then lies down again until sometime in the afternoon. Her dinner has also been shrinking, just a little. She will watch tv in the evening, then go to bed earlier than usual. She says something is "not right," but can't articulate exactly what is wrong. She is a bit more confused with her words, and has a little more trouble following along in a conversation.

Some of the problem was solved with her last Primary Care appointment; though we had received the letters with her test results, it was only when we were visiting with Dr. M. that we learned that mom's brain had shrunk, moreso than what can be accounted for with normal aging. He prescribed Aricept for her, but that might also be contributing to the severity of this "episode." (It has previously taken her a day or two to recover from going out and coming back home, but this has been going on for a week, with no sign of significant improvement.) As for the other appointment, she went to see the eye doctor, who declared she was now a "good candidate" for cataract surgery. We have the initial consultation scheduled for March.

On the one hand, I would like to take mom to urgent care to see if there's something underlying that might have been previously missed, that might be making its presence known now. On the other hand, getting her out of the house and returning home again is not only physically taxing, it also disrupts her routine, which is becoming ever more precious to her. So I'm not entirely sure how to proceed. Maybe find a doctor that can come to the house?

I have been pretty well staying home, reluctant to leave the house in case she needs help with something. Yesterday I helped her for the first time with taking a shower. The pain in her back and knees remains pretty well constant. I managed to get out for an hour today to pick up a few groceries, but what I really want to do is to get out and not have an errand or two to pursue, just have a wee respite. This, of course, would mean that Himself would have to stay at home for a few extra hours. Easier said than done, as he is up to his eyeballs in year-end financial reporting, since the Alano Club is a nonprofit organization. I remember a thing or two about that from my bookkeeping days, many moons ago.

So there you have it. Hopefully more to come later, Queen Mother permitting...

updates & picking up some pieces

This was one of those get-banged-up-and-slide-over-the-finish-line-sideways months.

Good news: I got my 24 hours of Respite in. :) I checked into a nearby, but not too near by, hotel on the 12th and stayed overnight, checking out on the 13th. I soaked in their hot tub under the full moon and in the mists as hot water met cold air. They offered a free breakfast, which I took advantage of, and enjoyed an hourlong, uninterrupted breakfast. When I left, I was downright blissy.

Bad news: This last week has been particularly rough, as my lower back seized up (again) and I got a head cold pretty much simultaneously, while still in the Moontime! My back is now good and I am getting over the cold. Today was the first day after several where I didn't feel like I was trying to reach down to touch my diaphragm and hack up a lung. :p

The "WTAF" moment comes courtesy of the County of San Diego: I turned in the 

Queen Mother's paperwork for her Medi-Cal and her CalFresh (food stamps) on the same day. They have since sent me three notices of her Medi-Cal Share of Cost going up, while simultaneously calling to inform me that they don't have her CalFresh form! As she was only getting $16 per month, I realized that I was getting angry over pretty much nothing. As the Cost of Living Adjustments both she and Himself are getting for the next year total more than that, I'm letting this situation go entirely. I am so completely over the bumbling incompetence!

As for the Queen Mother: her bloodwork results came back right after my last post; no surprise they turned out Absolutely Normal. So: no official Dementia diagnosis, and we slog on, with a little more money going forward. She has been complaining about being cold "all the time," and we are having a mild Winter, comparatively speaking. She has also been taking to bed for a post-breakfast "nap," more often than  not, since I had my Respite. Physically, she's slipped a little more downhill, as her body catches up to her mind, which continues to lose words and comprehension by degrees. :(

Himself thinks he will be getting his personal injury settlement from his rear-ender sometime this next month. The current challenge is the hardball the insurance companies for the other involved parties are playing. Negotiations are ongoing. In DC, meanwhile, his Veteran's attorneys are planning to get him classified as "Totally and Permanently Disabled," which comes with its own set of perks. After that is done, they plan to ask after the Carpal Tunnel decision: why did the VA go back to 2015 in its award, and not back to 1993, especially when there is evidence to support the latter date? That is the new million dollar question. There are also some access privileges he will be getting at military exchanges starting tomorrow, so that might be worth exploring.

A funny thing has happened as I have rested my back and coughed through my cold: I find the Heaviness has lifted from my spirit, the Depression has dissolved, and I am feeling some Hope for the first time in a while. It seems to be a bit more than the excitement over starting a new year & new decade. I am finding myself in a similar place to where I was at the end of 1997/start of 1998: very familiar with Shadows in Darkness, and desiring to cultivate a "lighter side" to my personality. In the spirit of Beginning Again, SARK's Living Juicy will be by my side once again as I wend my way through the days of 2020, definitely older, perhaps wiser. Yes, there will be some Ceremony tonight and tomorrow!

I also have some things to look forward to - Star Trek: Picard in a few weeks, and Wonder Woman 1984 next Summer. Both of the preview trailers look Awesome! ...and now you know two of my favorite things. I am a total Next Generation Trekker, and I watched Diana's adventures when she was played by Lynda Carter, way back in the day. I will be catching up with her current iteration on TNT sometime in the next month. ;)

I'm not a huge one for making New Year's Resolutions these days, but one Intention I will declare is to blog a bit more often here. To be honest, there have been times when I have wanted to, these past few weeks, but haven't, because I didn't want to sound like I'm kvetching and whining all of the time. With the clearing of my mind, perhaps I will be able to talk without it turning into a pity party...

backing into acceptance

Though we haven't received the Queen Mother's blood test results yet, we did receive word this past Friday of her CT scan: Yes, she has a brain; No, there still isn't anything apparent in it that would indicate Alzheimer's or a specific dementia. No news should be good news, BUT - the doors that would have opened with a definitive diagnosis remain closed, at least for now. So we slog on.

I vented in my Morning Pages the next day: mom is not sick enough, not poor enough, not this nor that. Then I wonder why I have a hard time asking for help these days; why should I even bother when the answer will most likely be some form of NO? No, we can't help because your mother doesn't quite fit our criteria. No, we can't help you unless you can pay through the nose, which at this moment, isn't possible.

So I heaved a huge raspberry at it all, and spent Friday night and Saturday night out, conversing with folks who have their cognitive faculties reasonably intact...and suddenly found myself enjoying myself in the company of Himself and our mutual friends. Sunday was a formal daytime support group, followed by more informal support in the evening, as Himself and I paid a visit to one of my dear sisters, who was in a car accident two weeks ago (!!) and was just now beginning to feel human again. We heard her, we helped her to laugh, I brought in some healing for her. Suddenly I'm feeling more Sane and Present than I have in quite some time.

Today I managed to gather myself together enough to work huswifery magic in the kitchen and remove the recycling, placing the assorted papers, bottles, and cans in their respective bins, then loading up the dishwasher. The bonus round was sweeping the living room floor clean. I have found myself slowing way down these past few days, reading a lot, napping some, and staying more or less inert. Lying Low seems to be my modus operandi for now, to what end is yet to be determined.

I need to get in a grocery run tomorrow before Himself disappears down to San Diego again to play in Quickbooks. Somehow he managed to get himself elected to being the Alano Club treasurer last month. Gods help us all. He did manage to take a breather from the drama llama stampedes this past weekend, though, and I got in some quality Spousal Time. This probably helped with my state of mind.

I have something very special cooked up for later in the week. Will do the big reveal later. Watch This Space! :)

getting through

Well, I managed to grab the salad fixings for the Turkey Day potluck dinner last week at the Alano Club, along with what I needed to hunker down through the holiday to get to the other side. I was all ready to brave the rain and the crazy driving with Himself last Thursday, until I was unexpectedly hurtled into Moontime. I still managed to make the salad and sent it off with Himself, and he brought back leftovers for me and the Queen Mother. Most of that day, though was spent flat on my back, in bed, with much napping.

It's not that I'm doubled over in pain when my Moonflow really gets going. Yes, I feel cramps, but they're more intense than actually painful, and that's only for the first day or two. What really stops me in my tracks is the feeling of all of my free energy retreating into my uterus and staying there, from a day or two before I actually start,  until the flow starts to ebb after a couple of days of significant bleeding. Adding to the fun is the dark river of emotions that rises close to the surface, instead of flowing in the depths of my mind. This time around, I was reacquainted with my Anger. Some of my boundaries still felt disregarded and stepped upon, and they were not happy about that. When I was awake, it was a good time for some Shadow Work - mainly in acknowledging that Yes, I was feeling these feelings, and Yes, these feelings are Valid. 

When I need to, and when I'm given enough warning, I can pull myself together sufficiently to go out into the world while in my Moontime. I got the (ahem) "opportunity" to skim along in the Black Friday shopping frenzy because cats need to eat and poop in their litter box, and people need to eat too. I managed to cross just about everything off of our grocery lists, and happily melted back into bed once we got home. It was good to ride the energetic waves to get the shopping done, and it was just as good to leave the waves behind and return to calm smooth waters.

The page has now turned to December, and with the new month came the all-important Blood Draw plus CT Scan for the Queen Mother. We did that earlier today, and it will probably take another day or two for her to recover. Her big challenges are 1) her diminutive stature, and 2) the osteoarthritis in her legs, which all but eliminates any range of motion. Just about all the medical equipment is scaled for folks at least five feet in height, and she's below that threshold by a good half-foot. She was in a great deal of pain when she returned home and was swearing up-down-and-sideways that she wouldn't be doing anything like that Ever Again. She has since napped and eaten, so her attitude has perked up a bit.

These tests will tell us if there is a specific species of Dementia in her brain, or if it's all just aggressive Cognitive Impairment. At the very worst, we will continue to slog along as we have been; at best, we will be able to access resources specific to certain Dementias once we have an official diagnosis in hand. I am looking for an answer, even if there is no obvious answer to be had. I should know the results sometime this week.

We are drying out again and anticipating a bit more rain this week, but not in the quantities that we've had the past two weeks. I'm keeping my shoes and socks handy. ;)