updates & picking up some pieces

This was one of those get-banged-up-and-slide-over-the-finish-line-sideways months.

Good news: I got my 24 hours of Respite in. :) I checked into a nearby, but not too near by, hotel on the 12th and stayed overnight, checking out on the 13th. I soaked in their hot tub under the full moon and in the mists as hot water met cold air. They offered a free breakfast, which I took advantage of, and enjoyed an hourlong, uninterrupted breakfast. When I left, I was downright blissy.

Bad news: This last week has been particularly rough, as my lower back seized up (again) and I got a head cold pretty much simultaneously, while still in the Moontime! My back is now good and I am getting over the cold. Today was the first day after several where I didn't feel like I was trying to reach down to touch my diaphragm and hack up a lung. :p

The "WTAF" moment comes courtesy of the County of San Diego: I turned in the 

Queen Mother's paperwork for her Medi-Cal and her CalFresh (food stamps) on the same day. They have since sent me three notices of her Medi-Cal Share of Cost going up, while simultaneously calling to inform me that they don't have her CalFresh form! As she was only getting $16 per month, I realized that I was getting angry over pretty much nothing. As the Cost of Living Adjustments both she and Himself are getting for the next year total more than that, I'm letting this situation go entirely. I am so completely over the bumbling incompetence!

As for the Queen Mother: her bloodwork results came back right after my last post; no surprise they turned out Absolutely Normal. So: no official Dementia diagnosis, and we slog on, with a little more money going forward. She has been complaining about being cold "all the time," and we are having a mild Winter, comparatively speaking. She has also been taking to bed for a post-breakfast "nap," more often than  not, since I had my Respite. Physically, she's slipped a little more downhill, as her body catches up to her mind, which continues to lose words and comprehension by degrees. :(

Himself thinks he will be getting his personal injury settlement from his rear-ender sometime this next month. The current challenge is the hardball the insurance companies for the other involved parties are playing. Negotiations are ongoing. In DC, meanwhile, his Veteran's attorneys are planning to get him classified as "Totally and Permanently Disabled," which comes with its own set of perks. After that is done, they plan to ask after the Carpal Tunnel decision: why did the VA go back to 2015 in its award, and not back to 1993, especially when there is evidence to support the latter date? That is the new million dollar question. There are also some access privileges he will be getting at military exchanges starting tomorrow, so that might be worth exploring.

A funny thing has happened as I have rested my back and coughed through my cold: I find the Heaviness has lifted from my spirit, the Depression has dissolved, and I am feeling some Hope for the first time in a while. It seems to be a bit more than the excitement over starting a new year & new decade. I am finding myself in a similar place to where I was at the end of 1997/start of 1998: very familiar with Shadows in Darkness, and desiring to cultivate a "lighter side" to my personality. In the spirit of Beginning Again, SARK's Living Juicy will be by my side once again as I wend my way through the days of 2020, definitely older, perhaps wiser. Yes, there will be some Ceremony tonight and tomorrow!

I also have some things to look forward to - Star Trek: Picard in a few weeks, and Wonder Woman 1984 next Summer. Both of the preview trailers look Awesome! ...and now you know two of my favorite things. I am a total Next Generation Trekker, and I watched Diana's adventures when she was played by Lynda Carter, way back in the day. I will be catching up with her current iteration on TNT sometime in the next month. ;)

I'm not a huge one for making New Year's Resolutions these days, but one Intention I will declare is to blog a bit more often here. To be honest, there have been times when I have wanted to, these past few weeks, but haven't, because I didn't want to sound like I'm kvetching and whining all of the time. With the clearing of my mind, perhaps I will be able to talk without it turning into a pity party...

backing into acceptance

Though we haven't received the Queen Mother's blood test results yet, we did receive word this past Friday of her CT scan: Yes, she has a brain; No, there still isn't anything apparent in it that would indicate Alzheimer's or a specific dementia. No news should be good news, BUT - the doors that would have opened with a definitive diagnosis remain closed, at least for now. So we slog on.

I vented in my Morning Pages the next day: mom is not sick enough, not poor enough, not this nor that. Then I wonder why I have a hard time asking for help these days; why should I even bother when the answer will most likely be some form of NO? No, we can't help because your mother doesn't quite fit our criteria. No, we can't help you unless you can pay through the nose, which at this moment, isn't possible.

So I heaved a huge raspberry at it all, and spent Friday night and Saturday night out, conversing with folks who have their cognitive faculties reasonably intact...and suddenly found myself enjoying myself in the company of Himself and our mutual friends. Sunday was a formal daytime support group, followed by more informal support in the evening, as Himself and I paid a visit to one of my dear sisters, who was in a car accident two weeks ago (!!) and was just now beginning to feel human again. We heard her, we helped her to laugh, I brought in some healing for her. Suddenly I'm feeling more Sane and Present than I have in quite some time.

Today I managed to gather myself together enough to work huswifery magic in the kitchen and remove the recycling, placing the assorted papers, bottles, and cans in their respective bins, then loading up the dishwasher. The bonus round was sweeping the living room floor clean. I have found myself slowing way down these past few days, reading a lot, napping some, and staying more or less inert. Lying Low seems to be my modus operandi for now, to what end is yet to be determined.

I need to get in a grocery run tomorrow before Himself disappears down to San Diego again to play in Quickbooks. Somehow he managed to get himself elected to being the Alano Club treasurer last month. Gods help us all. He did manage to take a breather from the drama llama stampedes this past weekend, though, and I got in some quality Spousal Time. This probably helped with my state of mind.

I have something very special cooked up for later in the week. Will do the big reveal later. Watch This Space! :)

getting through

Well, I managed to grab the salad fixings for the Turkey Day potluck dinner last week at the Alano Club, along with what I needed to hunker down through the holiday to get to the other side. I was all ready to brave the rain and the crazy driving with Himself last Thursday, until I was unexpectedly hurtled into Moontime. I still managed to make the salad and sent it off with Himself, and he brought back leftovers for me and the Queen Mother. Most of that day, though was spent flat on my back, in bed, with much napping.

It's not that I'm doubled over in pain when my Moonflow really gets going. Yes, I feel cramps, but they're more intense than actually painful, and that's only for the first day or two. What really stops me in my tracks is the feeling of all of my free energy retreating into my uterus and staying there, from a day or two before I actually start,  until the flow starts to ebb after a couple of days of significant bleeding. Adding to the fun is the dark river of emotions that rises close to the surface, instead of flowing in the depths of my mind. This time around, I was reacquainted with my Anger. Some of my boundaries still felt disregarded and stepped upon, and they were not happy about that. When I was awake, it was a good time for some Shadow Work - mainly in acknowledging that Yes, I was feeling these feelings, and Yes, these feelings are Valid. 

When I need to, and when I'm given enough warning, I can pull myself together sufficiently to go out into the world while in my Moontime. I got the (ahem) "opportunity" to skim along in the Black Friday shopping frenzy because cats need to eat and poop in their litter box, and people need to eat too. I managed to cross just about everything off of our grocery lists, and happily melted back into bed once we got home. It was good to ride the energetic waves to get the shopping done, and it was just as good to leave the waves behind and return to calm smooth waters.

The page has now turned to December, and with the new month came the all-important Blood Draw plus CT Scan for the Queen Mother. We did that earlier today, and it will probably take another day or two for her to recover. Her big challenges are 1) her diminutive stature, and 2) the osteoarthritis in her legs, which all but eliminates any range of motion. Just about all the medical equipment is scaled for folks at least five feet in height, and she's below that threshold by a good half-foot. She was in a great deal of pain when she returned home and was swearing up-down-and-sideways that she wouldn't be doing anything like that Ever Again. She has since napped and eaten, so her attitude has perked up a bit.

These tests will tell us if there is a specific species of Dementia in her brain, or if it's all just aggressive Cognitive Impairment. At the very worst, we will continue to slog along as we have been; at best, we will be able to access resources specific to certain Dementias once we have an official diagnosis in hand. I am looking for an answer, even if there is no obvious answer to be had. I should know the results sometime this week.

We are drying out again and anticipating a bit more rain this week, but not in the quantities that we've had the past two weeks. I'm keeping my shoes and socks handy. ;)