Day 359: on starting a new year (#1)

Before our alarm went off this morning, my "fuzzy alarm" came and woke me up. Inkblot is very good at waking me up to ask for First Breakfast for himself and his sister. Often he will even wait until after sunrise. So I got up and fed the cats, and hopped into the shower. Himself went through his own morning routine when I got out of the shower. As I was going out to get the Queen Mother's breakfast items together, I had the "pleasure" of stepping in fresh cat puke. How lovely. I cleaned that up before getting to the matter of breakfast.

We got out of the house and breakfast in our bellies in decent time, and avoided much of the Morning Commute traffic by using Google Maps to figure out when to take surface streets vs when to use the highway. We actually made it to the synagogue with a few minutes to spare, which was a good thing, as we needed to pass through security and get our "assignment" for the services. Himself and I "opened the Ark" for a key portion of the service, which allowed everyone to gaze upon the two large scrolls that comprise the Torah, aka the first five "books" of the Old Testament, as they sang and/or recited the prayers of that portion.

The Rosh Hashanah services ended about 1pm, so we headed home to check upon the Queen Mother, feed the cats, and (as it turns out) pay a few bills. By the time all was said and done, it was far past time to try and make it to the congregation's Tashlich ceremony, so Himself and I will be doing our own version of Tashlich tomorrow, and I will explain what that is to my fellow gentiles (non-Jews) at that time. We both agreed to go home, nap, then consider our dinner options after I put the Queen Mother's dinner together.

Roughly two blocks from where we live, in the same strip mall that our now-favorite laundromat is located, there is a new Mexican restaurant that took the place of another Mexican restaurant that we frequented now and again. We chose to try them out, and so far, the experience has been very underwhelming, to be honest. I ordered a veggie enchiladas plate, expecting enchilaldas with actual vegetables in them. We were then told that they had run out of vegetables for the day in the kitchen. Yes, I can eat cheese enchiladas, and I did, and they were decent, but it wasn't what I had ordered, and I felt like I really needed some vegetables.

One of the new owners happened to be present, and when he came over to our table, I let him know exactly what had happened and how I felt about it - nicely, because I am a Libra after all. He gave me a card to present on our next visit for a free plate of veggie enchiladas and a free dessert as well, so that was a pleasant outcome. We will try them again, but we'll definitely check to make sure they actually have the necessary veggies first!

I will most likely be heading to bed after I help the Queen Mother into bed for the evening. Himself has an appointment tomorrow, but it's not till late morning, so I will have an opportunity to sleep in...provided my fuzzy alarm clock can behave himself. ;)

Day 358: on mingling with folks

In the early afternoon, Himself and I made it to our Sunday Support group. I shared about my eye-opening week with the Queen Mother. She woke up to watch her football game (as a once and future Chargers fan) and was happy that they actually won.

Once we were finished, Himself stopped at a clothes store to get a new dress shirt to fit him, since he wasn't sure any of the others would fit. I also got some more hot dogs for the Queen Mother. Other things will abide for now, but come Tuesday we will need to do some serious grocery shopping. We ate dinner before heading out for the first services of Rosh Hashanah this evening. It was lovely to see familiar faces and meet new folks, and someone made a quinoa-tabbouleh salad that was absolutely divine. There was also the customary apple slices in cups of honey, and challah bread, along with several apple-flavored pastries.

Himself discovered some of his ties were on the floor when we came home. One moment, he was attempting to hang up his ties; the next moment there was a very loud cracking sound as the clothes rod on his half of the closet snapped in half. Yes, he has a lot of clothes! Some of these clothes are now hanging in the Queen Mother's closet, but most are now lying in a neat pile on his side of the closet. I would say we will also need to get a new clothes rod come Tuesday as well.

Monday will be an early day for us, as we will be attending the main Rosh Hashanah services that start at 9am. I set intention here that we will get there in a Timely Manner!

Day 357: on considering balance

Today started out damp and has ended damp. I laugh at our weatherman's assertion that "the bulk of the moisture has moved on," considering I heard it rain, albeit lightly, three times after the local news was on this evening. It is definitely the season to wear pants and drink more warm teas, though we have been advised that things will warm up again starting the second half of next week. 

It was a good day to take a deep dive in the Morning Pages, and consider what I can do to strengthen my Spritual muscles. The Pages and this blog help keep my Mental and Emotional muscles in good shape, but my Spiritual practices have fallen by the wayside during the heavier and more intense parts of my Odyssey. The takeaway from my "thinking aloud" in the Pages is that I need to create opportunities to do super quick and easy things, as quick and easy as swiping up on my screen and tapping on Instagram or my Freecell game. 

The two things right now that I can do that are super easy and nurturing are Coloring and Reading. I wound up reorganizing a creative nook that I have, throwing out things that needed to be recycled or otherwise pitched, and gathering together my coloring books. I found that I have been gifted A LOT of coloring books over the past few years; I won't be running out of things to color any time soon! I was going to add some actual books in this nook, but I don't have the room at the moment to do so. I need to rearrange a bit more for that to happen. That's perfectly fine, as it's a work in progress, and I will be returning back to it later.

The rest of the day was easy as well: taking out the trash and keeping up with recycling, preparing dinner for the Queen Mother and myself, then leaving her to her TV programs (Saturday is all about Animal Planet) and enjoying the gift of being At Ease. Tomorrow will bring a new day and the start of services for the Jewish New Year. We will be attending at our synagogue after all.

Day 356: on a non-frentic friday

Today was dry and cooler, and another slow, easy day. I took pictures of the cats and posted them on Instagram. I tried some maple bread from Trader Joe's with peanut butter for breakfast and found it to be a tasty combo. I got my hair washed for the first time in nearly a week - always a significant accomplishment when five-minute showers are the norm. I snuck a dinner date out with Himself, eating cheap burritos. We went out to the synagogue afterwards, for Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year) is just around the corner. On the way back home, we indulged in some ice cream from Baskin Robbins, and even brought a scoop home for the Queen Mother.

Speaking of mom...she was better today, for the first time this week. She still had her mid-day nap, but wasn't out for as long. She says she was "over" getting on the computer for the daily emailing she does with her bestie, but I think she is covering for the fact she might not remember how to get on the computer and what to do when she is on. I have found a website where I can construct a "personal website" for her and update family and friends on her behalf; it might be time to visit that site. As for the tests, she has decided to wait until we get the authorization letter (from her insurance) for her CT scan, then will go get bloodwork when I schedule the procedure with whichever radiology department she's referred to.

As for my other "patient," the GI folks at the VA managed to get a hold of Himself; he has rescheduled his combination endoscopy + flex sigmoid appointment for mid- December. He also rescheduled his next visit to get his port flushed so that it stays free of infections. He elected to keep the port that was inserted in him for his chemotherapy, mainly because nurses have had difficulty accessing the veins in his arms, not to mention the fact that he has a significant aversion to needles. It has proven very handy in the years following his chemotherapy infusions, but he needs to visit the VA Medical Center to get it flushed with Heparin once a month. If there's a need to draw blood for labs, the nurses draw the blood first, then do the flushing. So far, this has worked out quite nicely.

I'm intending on doing a bit of cleaning up tomorrow morning, then going down with Himself to the Alano Club, followed by joining him at the regular Saturday night meeting he attends, as he has the all-important duty of Coffee-Maker for this meeting. Of course, this will depend upon how decent the Queen Mother is feeling that day. Although it would be nice if she started to feel better during the day, I'm not exactly holding my breath. For a long time, I said her mind was declining faster than her body; now her body might be playing some catch-up. I'm just taking life one day at a time right now... 

Day 355: on a damp day

Autumn has officially arrived in my part of SoCal. We awoke to cloudy skies and wet ground, as it rained overnight - not much, but enough to give everything a good soaking. It was a good day to move slowly and gently and just focus on what was needful.

Today was a rare double laundry day, as I went first with the washing of clothes, and Himself followed after me. Inkblot wanted to make sure I was properly separating the dark clothes from the light ones and hopped into the washer as I was loading it. I took some video of him in the washer and posted it on Instagram. Afterwards, Himself and I took both loads to the laundromat for drying. Then it was home to prepare dinner and put away a few groceries that we needed to get before tomorrow morning.

With the day opening up tomorrow, I'm not sure what we're going to do. If the Queen Mother is faring a bit better, I will check with Himself to see if he has any ideas.

Day 354: on shifting focus

The Queen Mother might say she's a bit better, but she is still mid-episode with her gallstones. She took another nap mid-day, waited a while before having me get her dinner ready, yet seemed to perk up a little at night so she can watch her programs. Although she said it was all right for me to go work out with Himself today, I don't feel right leaving her alone for long periods of time, especially when she's like this, so I stayed home.

Himself wound up not working out today. Yesterday was a long day for him, and he didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Besides being tired, his sinuses were acting up on him, so he didn't get moving until late. He had a combination endoscopy/sigmoidoscopy on Friday, but he needs to reschedule it because of some of the heart medications he is on, and we need better instructions as to how to proceed. He will be calling to reschedule tomorrow, and will see if he can't get a fresh appointment before his next oncology appointment mid-October. Personally, I'm not holding my breath.

Speaking of appointments, when I called Rite-Aid to schedule the Queen Mother's Prolia injection, not only did they not have it on record, but they said the woman who called me did not work at their Pharmacy! A follow up call to Dr. M's office revealed that we are going to a totally different pharmacy, so I looked them up on Google and left a message on their voicemail. I never got a call back today, so I will try again tomorrow before I do laundry.

I did manage to review my to-do lists today, shift a few things around, prioritize some other things, and set myself some reminders for tomorrow and early next week. I'm easing my way back into the "administrative" parts of my life, slowly, for I acknowledge I'm still burnt out in many aspects of my mind and my life, and this is one of them.

Besides laundry, I'm not sure what will unfold tomorrow, but that's okay. It feels like I'm entering the Next Phase of this Odyssey, and my main task will be to restore Balance in my life - perfectly appropriate for Libra Season. :)

Day 353: on an unraveling mind

The Queen Mother proclaimed herself "much better" today, getting up at a decent hour and eating her breakfast, no problems. She ate her dinner as well, and I joined her in conversation, after a fashion. (More on that in a minute.) She lent credence to my working hypothesis that she had worked herself into a frenzy yesterday by saying, adamantly, that she did NOT want to go to the clinic to get her blood work done, because it would be "too cold" and she has "issues" with cold. While I was cleaning up in the kitchen, I mentioned to her that we needed to do the tests because it could get me some help, which I needed, since I was taking care of two people. That got through to her, and she agreed that getting help would be a good thing for me. I can build upon this for the future, so I am very happy I finally managed to get this point across.

The pharmacy called today to let me know her Prolia injection was ready, and when did we want to come by? Apparently they will give her the injection in the pharmacy, and she is willing to do that, since it will be both close by and a quick in-out-and-done deal. I'm going to call tomorrow and set up that appointment.

Though mom said she is better, I am seeing a significant difference in her: when our computer rebooted itself (becaause Windows can be a pain in the asterisk), she was completely lost as to how to get to her email, and I had to walk her through it. She had a nap today and fell asleep, saying it was the "first time" that has happened. (No, it wasn't.) Her challenge in finding the right words, or any words, I know about, but it's getting markedly worse. Today she threw in that she is losing the memory of plotlines of books as she's reading them. She can still read, at least, but it looks like her comprehension is slipping away big time. She is also completely lost as to what day of the week it is, what the date is, and is having more and more difficulty telling time.

This is more than simple "age-related cognitive impairment," I am certain. I would like to know what kind of dementia this is, and where she is on the timeline. I just need to work around her growing resistance to going to medical appointments, yet I believe today I was given the key to doing just that.

In other news, Himself has been cleared to return to Cardiac Rehab, so that's what he's planning on doing tomorrow. If the Queen Mother isn't doing too badly, I intend to join him. A good workout seems like just what the witch doctor ordered.

Day 352: on being present

The day of the Equinox was very much a yin-and-yang day for me...

It was a warm day, lovely, with a light breeze and some clouds in the sky, but not entirely overcast. Color has been restored to my mind's eye, and I felt alive and whole, for the first time in a long time. I even went for a walk to get the mail, which was necessary because the Queen Mother was waiting upon her weekly TV magazine to help her navigate the days by telling her when her shows are on.

I needed that walk too, because it allowed my to tap into what was causing my stomach to feel a bit tight, and I allowed myself to feel the Worry fully and consciously. That was the "yin" part of the day - the Queen Mother had a significant episode today, and was in bed for most of the daylight hours. We were going to take her to get bloodwork today, but I suspect she got so upset about going, that she worked her way into this episode, as she doesn't allow herself to get emotional, have that temper tantrum, raise her voice in anger.

She learned early on in her life that "feeling sorry for herself" wouldn't get her anywhere, but I wonder if she learned that lesson too well. I can count on one hand, and have fingers left over, the number of times I ever heard her yell at anyone. I used to feel guilty about expressing my emotions and acting "just like (my) father," as mom would say; now I feel blessed that I allow myself to Feel the Feels and Move Through Them, more and more as I go along, rather than stuff everything so deep down that it has no choice but to emerge as a physical issue, like (perhaps) gallstones, dizziness, and nausea.

I sat with the worry and heard it out: there is still a part of my that thinks the Queen Mother will live forever, and is not ready for her to die. Truth is, I'm never going to be entirely "ready" for her to die. I can expect and anticipate it, yes, and prepare for it, most definitely, but still not be ready. Mommy's not going to get better, I tell my Little One Within, but we will take care of her the best that we can. I'm allowing the tears to fall as I write this, as a bit of Anticipatory Grief.

She says she feels better now. She had breakfast for dinner, watched the voice, and is now watching Bluff City Law (I believe that's the new show with Jimmy Smits starring in it). I'm going to back off tomorrow and bring up the idea of visiting the clinic to get the blood drawn for labs on Wednesday. In the meantime, I will continue to enjoy these final days of Jaguar Weather as we move from Hot to Not Hot in Mostly Sunny SoCal.

Day 351: on re-aligning

I made it to my friend Amalya's place for the celebration of the Equinox today. Yeah, I know the Equinox is actually tomorrow, but we tend to gather on the Sunday before the major Pagan holidays. 

It felt so good to be with my sisters again - even better now that I'm free of the circumstances that triggered my episodes of Depression. I had a few opportunities to share my good news. Appropriate that today was about balancing our Brightness with our Shadows. We had a bit of a meditation, then crafted masks that showed our "light" and "dark" sides. I will be taking a pic and posting it on Instagram tomorrow; I will see if I can post it here as well.

One off my sisters brought her dog with her to the circle. He's a small-ish dog, a mix of something and something else. (Sorry, I'm a cat person.) He has been known to waddle over and plop down under or beside someone who needs a little extra Blessing energy; today was my day to receive his Medicine. I joked that he was trying to get me to come over to the "Dog Side." ;)

The scatter-brained-ness I felt yesterday has dissipated. I feel ready to consider the question of Who I Am Now, since I have finally made it to the Other Side, this week as the moon goes Dark. Tomorrow is the first day of what is called "Libra Season," and it's my Natal Season as well. Mama's coming home once again. :-)

Day 350: on feeling a little off

Today was unusual. I have finished my Moontime physically, but my mind feels like it's still back in the menstrual hut. It's an odd feeling of Disconnect, inevitable now that my circumstances have shifted, and are most likely shifting again. I have a question floating about in my awareness: Who am I now? I remember all of my dreams, desires, and plans, but they don't carry the same oomph that they once did. I am floating on the surface of the ocean and I have no idea which way to go next.

Instead of panicking or getting upset, I see this as an opportunity to sit and listen to myself, the deep stirrings of my spirit, and see what wants to arise. The only thing I did of any importance was catch up a bit in my Happy Yellow Book, which is becoming a place to stash oracular readings and snippets of lists, nothing serious, but whimsical.

I am grateful to have an opportunity to mingle with my sisters tomorrow as I join in the celebration of the Equinox. This does not make the Queen Mother happy, as I am leaving the house and leaving Himself "in charge." Of course she wants me to be with her 24/7, but I have a life I need to live as well. Caregiving may be a part of my life these days, but it isn't the totality of my life...something I am having an easier time remembering.

So I move further into the Autumnal days and towards the new moon with curiosity, as it is time for me to consider my harvest, and separate the wheat from the chaff.

Day 349: on re-entering

I wound up not doing a whole lot today, partly because Himself woke up early and I went back to bed once everything had settled down, so I wound up sleeping in. I was also completing my Moontime and am still a little scattered. Tomorrow will be a better day to do the things.

We also got a late start this evening and wound up not making our meetings; however, we stopped by the ocean and had a good heart-to-heart conversation, one that was a bit overdue. Once we got home, we stepped out quickly to refill one of our water jugs, and have now declared ourselves Done for the Evening.

I'm still a bit tired from the early wake-up call, so this will be another brief entry.

Day 348: on (pleasant) surprises

The Queen Mother's doctor's appointment was today, and she brought her list along. We were actually early for once, but didn't have to wait long. We updated Dr. M. with how she is doing, and the medications she was, and was not, taking. Then she shared her main concern about her memory, and how words were failing her. The worst part about her dementia is that she knows she is losing her mind, so to speak, and can't really do anything about it. :-(

Dr. M. asked her some questions based on the memory test he had at the office. Her long term memory was decent, but her short-term memory was shot. Finally, he saw what I have been seeing for a while! She now has an order in for bloodwork (which we will take care of Monday morning) and they are going to ask for an authorization for a CT scan from her insurance. Although there wasn't anything untoward in her brain two-ish years ago, that might have changed by now. We will have a better idea of what is going on after the CT scan.

While I was with the Queen Mother, Himself went and got a new bus pass, and loaded it up. This way, once mom was safely home, all I had to do was drop him off at our nearby transit stop, and he could take the Express Bus down to San Diego to get to his business meeting at the Alano Club this evening. This allowed me to keep the car and have dinner with the Queen Mother before driving down to my Caregiver Support Group. I was pleasantly surprised and so happy to be able to make it back, at last...and boy did I need it after today!

Once I was done, I drove down to San Diego to pick Himself up, have a bit of a supper with him, and then return home. His bus pass will come in handy for both of us, I am sure!

Tomorrow morning he will be leaving early to open up the Alano Club and "work" his shift behind the coffee bar. We are still considering our options for tomorrow evening: meetings or Selichot services at the synagogue? To Be Determined...

Day 347: on being somewhat useful

I felt rather good today, so I agreed to help Himself with the recycling. Between what we had and what he had brought home with him from the Alano Club, we got ourselves nearly $31, and for recycling, that's pretty good!

After that, we washed the car down and vacuumed it out and cleaned it rather well. I helped out a bit there too, then started to feel a bit overextended. By the time we finished with a spot of grocery shopping, I was rather overextended. Just because the heaviest part of my Moonflow was behind me didn't mean I was free and clear. Once I put together dinner for the Queen Mother, I had a nice lie-down on the bed.

Himself wanted to go out to dinner, and I felt rested enough - and hungry enough, to join him. We went over to Red Robin, one of the places where they serve Impossible Burgers. I had a Mushroom-Swiss burger with an Impossible Burger substitution.

Full disclosure: I have been a vegetarian for ten years. I haven't had red meat since my college years - nearly thirty years if I'm counting right. The last hamburger I had made me horribly sick. When I first bit into this burger - Oh. My. Goddess. I was convinced that it was beef. My mouth was absolutely convinced I had been tricked. I asked the waiter, who assured me it was an Impossible Burger. I waited to get sick, but my stomach said Plant Material - okay to digest! I was beside myself. Indeed, it was Impossible! :-)

If you're into Organic Everything, though, this is not the burger substitute for you. There is some genetic modification involved to make this taste more beef-like, but it doesn't have any meat added to it At All and is 100% Plant Based. I did the research.

Himself dropped me off and went to his meeting, and I rested. I'm feeling much better. This is a good thing, because the next appointment the Queen Mother has is tomorrow, when we follow up with her doctor. Yes, she has her list. We will see what happens. I am planning to ask if bringing a geriatrician on board would be a good move, not that I don't trust her doctor, but it might be time for a fresh set of eyes to look at her.

Day 346: on one more day

I'm no longer feeling Super Tired, but I'm not back up to snuff just yet. So I had another quiet day. The one thing I managed to do was to put away the medications he picked up from the VA Pharmacy yesterday, and made sure his medication regimen for the week was up to date.

Speaking of - Himself did his laundry today, saving the recycling for tomorrow in case I feel like I can help him. He was also totally lovely in picking up the Queen Mother's prescription for Zofran, which helps her with her gallstone episodes. She has a doctor's appointment on Thursday and she says she's going to "write a chart" of all of her maladies. This will be interesting.

I had a Trader Joe's dinner tonight: Veggie Biryani with a salad (of baby greens, mushrooms, artichoke hearts, and one olive), with some Mango Sticky Rice rolls (and a syrup dip) for dessert. Very tasty all the way around.

I might actually be a little more useful tomorrow. I feel like I'm beginning the Ascent. We shall see...

Day 345: on deep resting

Another brief post, as I have spent most of the day resting. Immediately before and during the first half of my Moonflow, I all but can't do anything except rest. I did have to grab some towels to sop up another toilet overflow in the Queen Mother's bathroom, and plunge that sucker three times to make sure it would flush, but flush it finally did. Himself wants to do some laundry tomorrow, so I'm going to see if we can piggyback the washing of the icky towels with drying out his clothes. I believe there are one or two other things that I will be taking care of as well. More on that tomorrow.

And now, back to the bleeding. 

Day 344: on doing before the flow

I have felt the introversion building all day as I get ready to bleed in earnest, most likely starting tomorrow. Even so, I managed to drive Himself down to the Alano Club, then return home and get the necessary groceries and do the necessary laundry. Not only that, my Very Tired moments were just that today...Very Tired. I didn't find myself jumping down any rabbit holes of Depression. Yay for me.
tired.

Being Very Tired, though, I am going to be brief this evening, and leave it at that. 

Day 343: on making an effort

I didn't have to wake up when Himself did this morning, but I did, and received some rare Quiet Time to sip my tea and write most of my Morning Pages undisturbed. Himself had some business to attend to, and needed to make an early start of the day, which I used to my advantage.

Today was a day I treated myself by cooking for myself: egg sandwiches for breakfast, and an Asian-themed dinner of cream cheese wontons, veggie gyoza (dumplings), ramen noodles, and mango sticky rice rolls for dessert. I added a salad to my dinner for the greens. Granted, mostly it was a matter of heating and eating, but I enjoyed taking the time to prepare my meals today.

Before the feasting was some cleaning, of taking out the trash, two bags of recycling, and putting the right items in the right boxes. We are going to have some bottles and cans of our own to add to the recycling Himself brought home from the Alano Club, so we might get some nice change out of this at the start of the coming week. I capped off all of the tossing and sorting with a nice long shower, quite refreshing after a hot day.

After some discussion with Himself, I am keeping the car tomorrow, dropping him off at the Alano Club and coming back up to dry our laundry at the laundromat and do a bit of grocery shopping. We are going to see if we can attend our Sunday Support group first. It will be a kinda busy day, but not a crazy busy one. 

I made a list this morning of all the things I needed to do this weekend. Checking things off one at a time is very satisfying. :)

Day 342: on a "freya power day"

I call Friday the 13th's Freya Power Days: Friday is "Freya's Day," for the Norse Goddess. 13 is a traditional Power Feminine number as there are 13 moons in a year - and it was the tracking of the moons that led us to start charting time in the first place. (Google the Earth Mother of Laussel for more on this.)

I found this day to be rather prickly, energetically; I found myself easily thrown off by changes in plans. I called this a "Porcupine Day" as I felt ready to fluff out defensive quills in every direction. So I took it extra easy today, staying home and helping the Queen Mother with her shower, not making too many plans. I was called by my sponsor and welcomed the opportunity to converse with her; afterwards, that seemed to be the stabilizing event that I needed. It didn't hurt that I declared this a Comfort Food day and indulged in some mac-n-cheese tonight for dinner.

I'm feeling a lot calmer and at ease tonight, looking forward to staying home again tomorrow and taking care of the trash and recycling. Yay for Huswifery! ;)
(I'm only sightly sarcastic here...)

Day 341-ish: speaking of oopsies...

I didn't even realize I had not blogged yesterday until right before I went to bed! I thought briefly about turning my tablet back on and dashing off something quick, but I let it go and promised myself that I would pick up where I left off tomorrow, and here I am.

I might have been a bit perturbed for about thirty seconds, but I realized pretty quickly that it was actually a reflection on how good my Self-Care had been yesterday: keeping my exposure to ALL media at a minimum, as I am in a rebuilding and recentering process right now, and I really didn't have the bandwidth to witness any explorations of Collective Grieving and Angst at this time. Next year, I will share my story, because I do have one. If you live in the US, for sure you have one, and I saw one or two of them briefly today.

Though I was pretty well offline yesterday, I was not totally sequestered at home. I accompanied Himself to the VA Medical Center in La Jolla for his Neurology follow up appointment, which came at the perfect time, so we could discuss what was going on with his leg with the new resident. After some Q & A and evaluation, our current working hypothesis is that his leg issue doesn't have anything to do with his cholesterol medication at all, but is instead a pinched nerve that starts just below his abdomen and moves down into his thigh. That would explain 1) why he had cramping in just one leg and not the other one, as well as 2) the "Mystery Pain" he had earlier this year. He has a short-term solution (a new medication and an injection into his nerve to dampen down the signals) that will help him work on his long-term solution of Exercise to drop his weight and create some new blood vessels in his leg.

The Queen Mother has also been keeping me on my toes. Besides having another gallstone episode today, she has been complaining about the arrangements of the cushions and pillows on the couch. If you are familiar with the story of "The Princess and the Pea," you have an idea of what I'm talking about. The only difference is that the "pea" is her nerves that express constant discontent in sitting still on the sofa, and one group of nerves or another fires off - and she still strives to find the Perfect Arrangement of Soft Things that will shut them up, if only for a few hours at a time. At least she seems to be letting go of the cats being "imprisoned" indoors, at last!

I had one set of plans for today, and Himself had another set of plans. He fulfilled his, while I stayed home to watch after the Queen Mother (due to the gallstone episode I mentioned above). I move my plans to Saturday, and wait to see if I will actually get to them. Tomorrow looks to be a bit of a busy day, but I'm not 100% sure about that. It will depend on the Queen Mother's health.

I will be picking up where I left off, and look forward to completing the challenge of this Daily Blogging next month. :)

Day 340: on a bit of an oopsie in the to-do's

Grocery shopping was the focus of today, hitting up Target and Trader Joe's for what we needed. This was the first trip I used a new note-taking app to make a grocery list, and it was a rousing success for me. If you take a lot of notes on your phone, and you have an Android, download Google Keep for yourself. You can color coordinate your notes too, which makes this Libra Sun + Virgo Moon very happy. 

We also went down to the dispensary to get some of Himself's CBD oil, which he uses to treat his digestive system and keep it polyp-free. What we thought was a really good price for CBD oil was a mistake on our part, though - that 20:1 ratio was actually 20 units of THC (the psychoactive stuff) to 1 unit of CBD (the medicinal stuff). If Himself had actually taken it, he would be stoned out of his mind! We will have to figure out what we can do with this, if anything, as the receipt clearly says All Sales Are Final.

There are no less than three restaurants in the same complex as the dispensary (no surprise, eh?), one of them being a decent Mexican joint. We picked up a couple of burritos while we were down there, and ate them once we were finished. Actually, I ate mine after getting the Queen Mother's dinner ready, and sat down at the table with her for the second consecutive evening. Fortunately, she didn't kvetch as much tonight as she had last night.

Tomorrow is Himself's Neurology appointment at the VA Medical Center, where we intend to discuss his leg issues and see if we can get a fresh perspective. The plan right now is to revisit the dispensary after that and see if we can't bend the rules a bit, as this is for medicinal purposes...though I'm not holding my breath. As it's a late afternoon appointment, I will be preparing the Queen Mother's dinner before we go. She is making noises about taking a shower tomorrow, so I think we'll be able to pencil that in earlier in the day.

I find myself juggling the care of two once more, but I'm in a place of acceptance right now. I suspect more waves of Anger and Resentment will arise and surge through me in the future, but if I can ride them out and not be drowned in them, that will be progress. :)

Day 339: on a blessedly easier day

It was with a sense of relief that I was able to engage in my Tea and Morning Pages ritual to start off the day, though I only wrote one page in total before the words just stopped flowing out and refused to start again. Still, that one page helped to shift a lot around, judging by how the rest of the day actually flowed.

I went back to my favorite place of chaos, the kitchen. Between three adults and two cats, it can get messy in quite a hurry. Working by degrees, with zero pressure to get anything done, I managed to do quite a bit, and the kitchen looks light years better than it did at the start of the day. The dishwasher is humming as it washes the dirty dishes. 

Dinner this evening was leftover spanikopita and rice pilaf, to which I added some more rice, and a salad. Everything seemed to taste a little better than it did Saturday night, as the ingredients had a chance to blend flavors while in the fridge. I capped it off with a couple of chocolate chip cookies, also leftovers. 

My "mistake" was eating at the dining room table, because I got an earful from the Queen Mother. With a captive audience, she unloaded everything that was on her mind before she finally returned to her current novel she was reading and settled back in to that. I treated myself to some music from the Calm app while she was watching the news. 

Still playing it by ear, or in our case, how Himself's leg feels. He talked with one of the VA pharmacists on the phone, and is now taking a two week "vacation" from statins. Once that two weeks is up, he will be taking a non-statin medication and will be on it for a week before the next phone consultation. His leg is getting better by degrees, but it's a "painfully" slow process, pun fully intended.

Need to get in some grocery shopping tomorrow; otherwise, the day is wide open.

Day 338: on another wild finish

Today started out well enough, as Himself and I managed to make it to our Sunday Support group, and had some good sharing. For once, we didn't have to stop for groceries on our way home. I had a "comfort" dinner of mac-n-cheese with my usual salad this evening, as the last few days had been a bit hairy, with Himself's leg issues. His leg IS hurting a bit less than it was yesterday, which was a bit less than the day before, so it looks like the statin was indeed the culprit.

Then I discovered the Queen Mother's toilet had overflowed without my knowledge, because much of her bathroom floor was wet. (I grabbed some already dirty towels to soak the water up.) Then Himself came home and the car alarm kept going off - because he had forgotten to turn off the driver side interior light before he had gotten out of the car. (Sometimes the car is smarter than we are!) Then I had to make sure Inkblot hadn't escaped out the back door while we were trying to figure out what was up with the car (he had not). Then Himself needed a bit of a leg massage. Then the Queen Mother wanted her nighty ice cream.

Lots of little things added up to a bundle of frayed nerves and I needed to do one of my Three Minute Breathing exercises and be in the Calm and Quiet before I felt like I could post this entry and move on. Inkblot did his part to help his mom calm down by asking for some head scritches, which I happily gave him. He even walked over to sit upon Himself for some head scritches, but Daddy doesn't do as well as Mommy does. ;) 

Once again, I acknowledge that MUCH healing and realignment need to be done if I am to "function" again.

The week to come might or might not be busy, depending on how Himself's leg is doing. We shall see...

Day 337: on a good outcome

Himself and I did not get to the VA Medical Center when we had planned, but not for lack of trying; his mind was willing, but his body was another matter. We arrived at the Emergency Room at about 11am, two hours later than what we had aimed for.

The good news: we were there for "only" 5 1/2 hours.
The better news: we were able to make his usual Saturday evening meeting in a timely fashion.
The best news: there are no blood clots or other worriesome developments. He did not need to be admitted (which we were both anticipating), nor did he need any horrid procedures to be done upon his legs (which we were also both anticipating). He has a pharmacy appointment on Monday, wherein he will be exploring Life-Without-a-Statin options. We have already found some promising leads in that regard.

While passing time in the Emergency Room, I managed to get a small salad of lettuce, kale, cranberries, almonds, and parmesan cheese slices, which I had with some peanut butter pretzels. I got Himself some cracker "sandwiches" and granola bars, because of his lack of a colon. Then the nurse brought us some turkey sandwiches; I gave Himself my turkey and ate his and my lettuce and tomato in a quasi-veggie sandwich. We both made up for the slender pickings after the meeting, with some very tasty Greek food, even if I wound up bringing home half of my dinner in a box for tomorrow. :q

Both of us are happy that there wasn't anything terrible (not) circulating in his legs, and that he will improve as he moves the statin out of his body. We are intending to attend our Sunday support group tomorrow, but will see, depending on how Himself's leg feels.

Day 336: on some kind of day

It was definitely one of those days, when I had to keep an eye on both Himself and the Queen Mother. There were one or two occasions when I had to yell out, "Prioritize!" when both of them had simultaneous crises. The Queen Mother is relatively well and still plugging along; as for Himself, we are paying a visit to the VA Medical Center in La Jolla tomorrow, as he is not getting better. :(

Our working hypothesis right now is that his anti-cholesterol medication is causing the severe cramping in his right leg; the same leg that had the "mystery pain" a few months ago - and has the clogging in the femoral artery. It was strongly suggested to Himself that he go tomorrow so they could rule out any blood clots or anything gnarly like that, so out of an abundance of caution, that is what we'll be doing.

It hasn't been an easy day, but it hasn't been a truly bad one, either. I helped Himself do the laundry today, and I seem to have forced a detante with the ants. Hopefully the latter situation will continue to improve.

I'm hopeful that by this time tomorrow we will have an answer to what is going on with Himself's leg, and I can refocus the majority of my attention onto the Queen Mother.

Day 335: on ending with a thud

Today was mostly good, until the last half an hour or so. I had an excellent lunch with a good friend, and she reminded me of the importance of Doing for Myself. I got in some needed grocery shopping; yesterday was breakfast-oriented, today happened to be dinner-oriented. I listened in on an excellent webinar and will be working with this facilitator in the future, just not at this time. I enjoyed my dinner and dessert as well.

In the last half hour, we discovered ants swarming on the kitchen table, so now everything in the front of the house smells like vinegar. There are worse smells in the Universe, though. I dropped a lightbulb in the Queen Mother's bathroom and it shattered, so I got the broom and the dustpan and dutifully swept everything up.

Of greater concern is the fact that Himself's right leg has been bothering him pretty consistently all day. He has a call in to the Telephone Advice Nurse now, and we shall see what she says. It would not surprise me in the least if we wound up in the ER sometime in the next 24 hours, though we are hoping to avoid that scenario if at all possible. Working out tomorrow is definitely off of the table.

I choose to focus on the good stuff that happened today, and take some cleansing breaths to release the rest. Catch y'all tomorrow.

Day 334: on a stormy day

The laundry won out, for me. I got it washed and dried, but by the time all was said and done, Himself needed to go solo to his Cardiac session today, since it would have been way too late to go down and come back up in a reasonable time. For the record, though, the Queen Mother did have a later than usual dinner today.

We were out of breakfast items, so we went to Trader Joe's to grab some cereal and almond milk, and picked up a few other things while we were there. We pulled in to our covered parking spot in time to hear thunder clapping in the sky, and said sky to the southeast looked very dark indeed. Himself had taken the car through the car wash while I was at the laundromat, so you can guess what happened next - it rained.

I joke about San Diego having an "annual ten minute thunderstorm." It seems that every year, usually around late July/early August, we have a bit of thunder and lightning, it rains cats and dogs for about ten minutes, then clears up and returns to more "regular" SoCal weather. The storm was either a little late this year, or we're kicking off the 2019/2020 Rainy Season with a bang. Depends on your perspective.

Himself had some dinner while waiting out the storm, and then went on his merry way. Yes, the evening commute was a soggy mess, but he managed to avoid the worst of it. My dinner was a bit later than his, as I was in no hurry to eat.

Tomorrow I have lunch with a good friend, followed by another trip to Trader Joe's, mainly because I forgot to take inventory of what the Queen Mother was going to need for her dinners. No biggie...and I'm hearty-glad I'm able to say it's no biggie!

Day 333: on some unexpected learning

Himself and I went to the Cardiac Rehab Center today, but did not work out. Instead, we took a CPR training class. It wasn't official or certified, but I had never had a class in CPR before, and it was a good introduction to the topic. We spent about an hour and a half learning what to do in cases of cardiac arrest for adults, children, and infants. I feel more informed about CPR now and I believe I could help save a life if necessary.

I did get one point clarified: the Queen Mother has a Do Not Resuscitate order in her medical records, so if the worst happened, I would not be doing CPR on her. She had made it very clear, almost on a daily basis, that she is "ready to go" and doesn't want any medical treatment that would prolong her life. As hard as it will be, I need to respect her wishes.

Other than that, today was rather calm and normal. I appreciate that.

Tomorrow we will try again to get a workout in. Depending on when we wake up, I'm going to be doing a load of laundry as well. We'll shoot for early, but see what happens.

Day 332: on a day "free from labor"

Labor Day in the States is a holiday for many, and used to be for me (at times) when I was actually working. Being a caregiver, though, I don't have a Monday through Friday schedule anymore. In some ways, it's always a Saturday, but in other ways, it's always a Tuesday. It mainly depends on how the Queen Mother feels on a given day, and what tasks need to be done, whether in the company of Himself or just by myself.

The Alano Club that Himself belongs to had a Labor Day "picnic" today, which Himself and I attended. Despite bratwursts being the main entree, there were plenty of veggie sides, and I made a nice meal from all of the various salads. I ate very well today and didn't need a huge dinner this evening. All I had, in fact, was dessert when I got home, to give everything time to digest properly.

On my Calm app, I'm beginning (again) with the Seven Days of Calm introductory meditation series; today was the second day. I wanted the app, and am taking full advantage of it, because of the Work that I need to do. Life is good right now, better than it has been for a while, in fact; yet as I was reminded even today, my nervous system very much needs rewiring. I'm not getting triggered as often as I was, but it still doesn't take me very long at all to go from zero to Freaking Out. Using the tools on the app, and adding in techniques that work very well for me, will help me soothe what has been too often jangled, and detangle what has become a gnarled mess.

Everything comes "back online" tomorrow, so I will be a busy bee. All the better to start a practice of Greater Awareness and Serenity NOW.

Day 331: on getting calm

Today was a productive-yet-restful day for me.

I spent some good time with my Tea and Morning Pages ritual in the morning. I detangled my mind a bit by sorting through the last week's mail, reviewing my old lists, then making a new list which I can tackle starting on Tuesday, as tomorrow is a holiday for many. I cleaned off the main counter. I had my egg sandwiches for breakfast and mac-n-cheese for dinner, as I felt like I deserved some treats. After dinner, Himself and I went out for essential groceries and cat food. 

In between dinner and grocery shopping, the Heavies decided to pay an unannounced visit. Though I was tempted to skip the shopping for this evening, I made myself go, partly because the cats would not wait, partly because I wasn't sure exactly what would be open and what would be closed tomorrow. Better to be safe than sorry, and I did perk up while I was out and about. Sometimes Depression has no rhyme nor reason, but I am happy to say it has dissipated.

Another treat for myself was to download the Calm app for my phone. If you're not familiar with it, it's about meditation and (ahem) mindfulness. It's become very popular. There is a free "regular" section and a paid "premium" section, but the freebies are extensive, so I have a lot of material to work through before I would even consider unlocking the premium parts. I've used it before, but ran out of memory on my old phone, so I had to uninstall it. I very highly recommend downloading it if you're going through stressful times, or even just for the daily grind. 

There are some parties tomorrow that we are planning to attend, so I will stop here and get ready to grab forty winks.