Day 278: on powering through

I took a deep dive in the Morning Pages today. Most of the time I can only manage one page, though when I have more time in the morning, I can often whip out two. Now and again, I manage to do the three pages that are recommended. Today was a three-page day; I was about to wind down, but a bit of Frustration needed a platform to be witnessed, so I let my pen continue to flow across the paper until it was done. 

The gist of the Frustration: my biggest drain in Caregiving is not Physical; it's Mental. It's having to remember to be patient when I'm trying to say something to the Queen Mother for the fifth time before she can understand me. It's having to remind Himself of things he needs to do, because the Traumatic Brain Injury has ruined his (short-term) memory. It's having to keep track of what appointment is coming up next, and what tasks need to be handled next - which is why I'm a list making fiend. Sometimes I feel like I need a (virtual) secretary to help keep track of everything!

Be it venting in the Morning Pages, or be it having two days in a row of significant errand-running, I felt Depression on the other side of the mental door, wanting to persuade me how it would be So Much Better to Stay Home and Let Go of All the Responsibility. I got in touch with the Anger that was wanting to turn inward and let it out in my workout today. Once again, I crushed it on the various machines, burning the calories and breaking a decent sweat. Today I got my Hardcore Sparkle on. ;)

Once again, we got a bit of a late start out the door, so once again, we were rather late getting back to the house. The Queen Mother grumbled a little bit, but not too much. After dinner I finally relented and had a bit of a nap, then colored in my mandala book when I woke back up, finishing up one mandala (which I posted in my Messenger Stories) and worked some more on another one. I've drifted away from the coloring, and I want to get back into it on a more regular basis.

Tomorrow there are no appointments, so it feels like a good time to tie off some loose ends of a domestic nature, and perhaps finally get around to returning those phone calls I received late last week! At least I won't have to jump out of bed in the morning...

Day 269: on passing the buck

Be advised, there is some coarse language in this one.

Himself got a judgment from DC.

The judge did not look at the addendum.

The judge said since the (San Diego VA) Region messed up in the first place, it was on the Region to fix their decision.

The judgment calls for all pertinent medical records to be provided to the region, and to have an "expert" evaluate Himself's condition and say "in his opinion," is this an injury that was sustained during active combat.

How fucking hard is it to admit that y'all made a mistake and man up and correct it?!

Oh right - to correct your error means you would need to pay out MONEY, which you would rather spend on shiny new weapons you probably won't be able to use anyway, and why pay money to a veteran who has a "terminal" diagnosis and will probably die "any day now"!

The level of Patriarchal Bureaucratic Bullshitting here is mind-numbing.

Make no mistake, Himself will continue to fight this, and I will be by his side, even if we wind up going to DC so he can argue his case before the goddamn Supreme Court if necessary! 

In the meantime, we need to do some major scrambling to see if we can get ANY extra help at all, and a Chapter 13 bankruptcy filing may be our only solution.

Needless to say, I crushed it on several of the exercise devices during our workout today. I also chose to load up the dishwasher rather than sit around and feel sorry for myself. 

I'm also glad I started thinking about Acting As If we might not get any money at all at the end of May, so when this blow came, it did not send me into a complete tailspin. 

Still, I'm not happy.

Bloody Hell...or as Himself would say, Shit, Piss, and Corruption!

Day 171: on a monday for the compost pile

Well, all of that lovely effort at decompression that I put in over the weekend ultimately went for naught. Today was definitely one of Those Mondays...

We made it back to the DMV, Queen Mother in tow, and learned that the records for a driver don't go back twenty-odd years at the field office. We needed yet another copy of the form we'd filled out initially and send it to Sacramento, with a slightly larger fee, because this would need to be copied from a microfilm entry. I put down the year I needed, explained One More Time why I needed this information, enclosed the fee with the form, and sent it off to Sacramento.

The only good thing about that trip was that it took only an hour in total, and we were able to bring the Queen Mother home in plenty of time for Ellen, as in Ellen DeGeneres' variety/talk show, which is on mid-afternoon here. This is must-see TV for her.

So when I had filled out the form, Himself and I went to the credit union to see if I could stop some automatic payments I had arranged. If I had set them up through  the credit union, yes; BUT since I had set them up with the companies, I would have to call them and request stoppage of said payments. If they tried to force them through anyway, then I could dispute them, and that would be another matter. Okay fine. I needed to make some calls anyway, so I would just fold this into my mission.

By the time we were finished with errands, I was starting to get hangry. I got the Queen Mother's dinner together, then went to make the first of the Important Phone Calls, and a paper that I needed was Nowhere To Be Found. I can safely say that I finally, truly, lost my mind for a short time. I'm happy to report that it came home when I called it, smelling oddly like soy sauce and dragging a bit of toilet paper under one foot. 

I eventually found another piece of paper that had the information I needed, made the phone call, and got my business done (in what probably sounded like as "Don't Mess With Me or I'll Reach Through the Phone and Slap You" tone of voice). Then I chose to set Everything aside and concentrate on having some dinner. By the time I was finished, I was calmer, and my mind was settling back into my head. 

Needless to say, I'm hoping for some Resolution sooner rather than later to all of the dangling situations, so I can get my life onto a more positive and consistent track. In the meantime, I will focus on the rest of the business that needs to be done this week, while giving some serious side-eye to that unrepentant Mercury Retrograde!

Day 167: on things going slightly awry

This was one of those Testing the Patience days...

Inkblot went to the vet and got his sutures removed, BUT the Cone of Shame has to stay on one more day to make sure all of the wounds are sufficiently scabbed over. I will swear to you he knew something was supposed to happen but didn't, as his tail was thumping mightily against the carpet while he was lying down, after we got home. (That means he was right peeved!) He's now asleep on the far end of the dining room table, where all of the paperwork winds up. Go figure.

We paid a visit to an attorney this afternoon to discuss our financial options. Bankruptcy is still a ways off, fortunately, but after considering the advice we were given, I have some more questions, so I will be making a phone call tomorrow to get some clarification. Then I should be able to make some choices come Monday.

Speaking of, I finally got the notification that my timesheet for the first part of the month was approved, after having turned everything in this past Monday. Now I'm praying really hard that the paycheck gets deposited tomorrow! Oy, oy, oy.

On another related note - the paperwork from both the DMV and the Queen Mother's doctor's office arrived today. Guess what? NO mention of being certified disabled from either one of them! Quick rant: how bloody difficult is it to get the piece of paper that says she's eligible for a vehicle placard or license plates, people?! The Queen Mother has suggested that we scour the paperwork that we have here to see if we have such a record, and I will have a hearty laughing scream if we find such paperwork tucked away in a file somewhere here.

If the search turns up nothing over the weekend, then we will all need to head over to the DMV office on Monday, with the disabled plate in question (yes, I kept the plates for sentimental reasons when we had to let her car go, and I'm totally glad that I did!)

This is the time to remember my tools: Breathe Deeply. Prioritize. Take the Next Indicated Step. Act Just For Today, One Day at a Time. All of this, too, shall pass, even if the outcome isn't precisely what I want. It will be what I need.

So. Moving Onward!

Day 95: on feeling like a fool

Today did not go as expected.

Yes, I cleared up the paperwork I wanted to, turning a huge pile into a bag filled with essentials. Yes, I made the phone call earlier today - and that's where everything went sideways.

We have been looking for supplemental insurance for the Queen Mother that will get her back under the "Federal Poverty" line. I was given an amount that we had to cover. I have been thinking that I take this amount, divide it by twelve, and find a policy to cover each smallish portion per month. I was advised today that I had to cover the original amount each month to get her back under the line. This is why I feel like a fool, because I have been operating under this misunderstanding since November. Realizing that I made a mistake has been the most excruciating part of the whole day, and I'm not in a space right now to bounce back from this easily. Once again, ye olde ego has taken a pounding.

So I have to make a few more phone calls than I initally intended. So there is the possibility that I won't find what I'm looking for, and I will have to admit defeat, and quit being the Queen Mother's paid Provider. (I would still be looking after her, but I just wouldn't be paid to do it.) That's probably also part of what's eating at me, that there might not be a "payoff" to all of my hard work.

I step back into "Appointment Week" tomorrow - and I also start bleeding in earnest tomorrow. Oh what fun. :p

Day 93: on having a slightly off day

I thought I had licked the ant problem last night. I was wrong. They were invading Himself's coffee maker today, and I found that they had invaded the electric part of my electric teakettle, meaning I wouldn't be able to get them out without flushing them out, which would ruin the kettle entirely. I had to toss the teakettle and go on a spraying and wiping rampage in the kitchen. I still don't know if Himself's coffee maker will be salvageable yet. Although I have removed ALL possible crumbs they might try to get their little antennae on, I can't tell where they're coming in, except that they seem to be behind the cupboards, or way in the back of them at the very least. :p

I wound up filling up one of my small pots and using it as an ersatz kettle to boil water in, both for my tea and for my oatmeal. Between losing my trusty electric kettle, rampaging all over the kitchen, and chatting online with a friend who is going through challenges halfway around the world, I didn't get a good start to the day, and I was a bit out of sorts the entire day. I also acknowledge 1) It's been something of a high-vibe week, that culminated in yesterday's birthday party, and 2) I haven't gotten as much sleep as I would have liked for the past few nights. So I've been a little tired all day. Let me just take a moment to accept that...

I did manage to get myself some tea and breakfast before tidying up the dining room table and taking out the trash. I read the parts of the Sunday paper I wanted to over dinner.

I also did a bit of an experiment: I have participated in a friend's "plan out your year" program for about four or five years, and have saved bits of the old books along the way. One of the activities in the program is to write a list of "100 things to do" during the year. I went through some of the old lists that I had to see what had been done in the time since I first filled out the lists, what could not be done anymore, and what I had yet to do. In gathering the yet-to-be-done things together, I found many of them were creative, arty projects that I had once intended to do, but inadvertently left behind (once I met my husband, and/or once everything began to go haywire). I found myself wondering if any of those forgotten projects could be brought forth and realized, so that's percolating in the back of my head. I came up with 63 things total, which would be a good foundation for a 2019 version of the list! I plan to return to the list later in the week.

It feels like I will be turning in once the Queen Mother is safely in bed, which is a good thing, as tomorrow is Himself's PET scan, and I will need to drive him home. I will be taking my mandala coloring book with me and starting a new mandala. If I'm fortunate, I'll be able to wash my hair before we need to hit the road.

Day 44: on the gift of resting

Today I chose to stay home and REST. It had been a trying week, one more I somehow survived. I also knew that the next couple of weeks were also going to present their own challenges, so since today was/is the first significant day of my Moonflow, it would be best to consolidate my energies as much as I could...and with the exception of a quick run to Trader Joe's for some necessities, I did.

I sipped tea and wrote in my Morning Pages. I caught up in reading the blogs of the other members of the Squad. I looked through the brochures and flyers I picked up from the most recent seminar I attended. I finished coloring a mandala I had started last month. I had dinner and napped for a time. I feel nicely relaxed.

Besides recalling how well I deal with Ambiguity - which is to say, not that well at all - I'm also coming to recall the Wisdom in a phrase I once heard somewhere, though I don't recall exactly where: Hard times will either make a person Better, or it will make them Bitter. I'm noting that it's frighteningly easy to allow myself to become Bitter... many days I feel like I'm taking two steps forward, then three steps back. I wonder if anyone is seeing my GoFundMe request on Facebook, or if I'm just being ignored. I question if we're ever going to get out of this seemingly unending cycle of Lack and Poverty. I wonder how long the Queen Mother is going to last before she finally dies - and what shape I will be in when she finally does.

*A note about the GoFundMe: yes, people have seen it, and shared it, and donated to it, and I am grateful for the response I've gotten so far. Having said that, when I see other campaigns meet their goals in one or two days - and I haven't reached a tenth of my asking goal after almost two weeks - I'm tempted to throw my hands in the air and wonder what's the use, and wonder if all of my friends are secretly Judging me for caving in and begging online for money. There's a part of me that's just about ready to quit Facebook for good, or at the very least, significantly pare down my Friends List. Okay, rant over.*

It's super tempting to close up my heart, withdraw from interacting with the "outside world," and just forge forward along, to Hell with everyone else. I know, however, that the more challenging option, keeping my heart open and continuing to show up for what Life has to offer, is ultimately going to be what sustains me after the Queen Mother passes, and for many years beyond, Goddess willing. Basically, though it might be easier to allow myself to become Bitter, I need to put in the effort to become Better through all of these challenges. I believe I'm up to (the latter) task.

Fortunately, I can ease into the craziness of the week/s ahead tomorrow, so I'll make an effort to pace myself. I'm getting pretty good at doing just that. :)

Day 32: on responding to having my hand forced

Well my friends, the Share of Cost bugaboo bit me again! It ate another paycheck of mine! I should have known it was going to be bad tidings when I couldn't get the notification email from IHSS to come up properly on my phone. The Medi-Cal people are sending me forms to fill out anyway, so it looks like I will be asking for reimbursement for all of October. (Le Sigh...)

My hand was forced because this one hurts more than the grabbing of my "vacation" pay - this paycheck was going to help me with paying a key bill or two, and now I'm totally scrambling. One more phone call, at least, to add to the other phone calls I need to make tomorrow to see if 1) I can figure out what's going on and 2) do some damage control. (Again, Le Sigh...)

So I finally bit the bullet and started my GoFundMe page. I am deeply grateful that I'm already getting support, and I will be officially thanking people starting tomorrow, once I get my head a little straighter. I'm also 2/3 of the way in filling out the "Cash Aid" application (apparently it's no longer called Cal-Works), and I should be ready to drop that off tomorrow, after Himself renews his driver's license at the DMV. I'll share more on that tomorrow, as it's yet another tale of Government Inaction, instead of Government In Action :p

Even though I had a craptastic day, I still managed to get to my polling place and vote today. Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer to go and vote In Person; besides, all I have to do is walk out my front door, walk to the end of my block, cross the street, and there I am. Today there were way more cars in the parking lot than there had been in years past. Granted, I voted later in the day than usual, but it was still a heartening sight to see. I'm sure I'll get all the election results once Himself returns home this evening.

How things unfold tomorrow will depend on how long Himself has to stay at the DMV. I'm praying it's not the whole damn day. (One more time, Le Sigh...!)

Day 17: on the curse of the monkeywrench

Share of Cost.
This is the monkeywrench. These are the words I'm hating on right now.

The call to the electronic timesheet help desk led to a call to the IHSS office, where I was informed, very apologetically by the woman on the other end of the line, that the Share of Cost for the Queen Mother to receive IHSS assistance had eaten up my paycheck. More, it would eat up all subsequent paychecks, since this Share of Cost is slightly more than double what I receive per month to take care of the Queen Mother. The decision was made late last month - and by the way, I should receive notification of said decision this week.

I really needed this money, this week. I will challenge Medi-Cal's decision and do my damndest to rectify this, since nothing in our income has changed. I can even get my union involved if it comes to that. I see resolution...in a month. Maybe two months.

In the meantime, all of our carefully laid vacation plans are now Kaput.

Tomorrow I'm taking my paperwork to my local office, which is just on the other side of town. If I had tried to go today, I would very likely be in jail right now.  I was that upset. I'm still simmering.

In the middle of all this, the dentist finally fixed the Queen Mother's dentures to her satisfaction. I will delve more into this later. She's reasonably happy with them today; tomorrow might be another story. Regardless, we're returning to the dentist in a week to see if any further modifications are needed.

The MOMENT Himself gets money from his personal injuty case, I am taking my vacation. Until then, I shall be growling at a few mindless bureaucrats. Pray for them... 

Day 4: on balancing time commitments

Today was a more "typical" day for us, as far as the quality of our days go...

After we got up in the morning (and fed the cats), I helped the Queen Mother assemble her breakfast. I grabbed things out of the fridge and carried her bowl and tea mug to the dining room table, for mom is unstable on her feet and needs to hold on to her canes for balance. I got her chair ready to sit in and opened the curtains behind her so the sunlight could illuminate her dining area.

Once Queen Mother was squared away, Himself and I set about fixing our breakfasts and finishing the process of waking up. I got in a quick shower, and we set off to our "home away from home," aka the Veterans Administration Medical Center. Since his cancer diagnosis, we've had numerous trips down to the VAMC, so many that 1) I can put the car on autopilot to drive down there, and 2) I could find my way around inside the hospital blindfolded. Today there were a pair of routine appointments on the docket: a port access with bloodwork to be drawn for lab analysis (for his next oncology appointment on Thursday), and a follow up visit with the pain clinic to make sure his pain management was on track. We're trying to see if the VA will cover future chiropractic visits for him after his Personal Injury treatment is finished...and for those of you joining this journey who aren't in the know via Facebook, it's a story I will share at another time. We also got the written report of the CT scan he had this past Sunday (another piece of the Personal Injury puzzle), and stopped by the Neurology department to see if there is an appointment available before January 30th, 2019. That is to be determined, as he was told to expect a phone call sometime this week.

I go with Himself to his VAMC appointments to help him answer the questions his doctors ask him, since he has Traumatic Brain Injury, and is challenged with dates and times. I also go with him so we can take advantage of the carpool lane that runs in the center of I-15, which is a necessity coming home; otherwise, he would either be stuck in the Commuter traffic, which starts up somewhere between 3-4pm on weekdays, or he would have to pay a pretty penny to use the carpool lane during peak hours - which can get up to $9 one way - before it goes "HOV Only," meaning there must be at least one other passenger in the car if you want to use the carpool lane, no exceptions. We returned home just a bit after 4pm, and I switched back to helping the Queen Mother, this time getting her dinner assembled and carried out to the table.

My husband needs my support. My mother needs my support. Though Himself rarely complains about the situation, Queen Mother often tries to play the guilt card: talking about how "lonely" she is when I'm not there, or complaining about the house being a mess "because nobody is home to clean it up," among other things. To be fair, she feels challenged by her physical disabilities, more so as she gets older, and I suspect that there are times she gets jealous of Himself because she has to "share" me with him after my many years of being a Singleton. Some days I can let her complaints slide, and reassure her that I won't abandon her, and that I'm doing the best I can. Other days, I get short tempered and resentful, and I retreat to be alone in my room for a time, lest I unleash my anger upon her. It's a fine line to walk some days, and that's even before I consider where my energy levels are, and whether I need to support myself, and what I need to do to support myself.

Today wasn't a bad day in that regard; everyone got their needs met, and I'm satisfied overall. If I could string a few days like this together, it would help...but tomorrow might be different. Fortunately I have an opportunity to attend a Caregiver Support group tomorrow, so I'll check in after I get home and speak on that...or maybe I'll speak about something else. We shall see.