Day 284: on another swerve

For once, Mercury Retrograde worked in my favor: Dr. M's office called just after I woke to call them, and both of us agreed that the possible ultrasound appointment at 10:15 am wouldn't work. We will try the game again tomorrow morning, and I asked them pretty please to call my cell number first!

I took a shower and washed my hair, had my tea and Morning Pages, and got ready to go to our friend's place for lunch. The lunch itself was lovely, and we did get some help that we gratefully received.

Now the swerve: we left my friend's place sans rear windshield. Yup, it's totally busted. Himself emptied the car of all things valuable when we got home, and we have rigged an improvised cover with some plastic and duct tape. We have also filed a claim with AAA to see what can be done, and how much money will need to be spent. Worst case, we will have to wait till August 1st to pay for everything.

I did manage to remain calm, but that's only because my brain locked up and stayed that way for about 20 minutes afterwards. Then it was some resigned acceptance: sure, let's add this to the ongoing Dumpster Fire, why not! At this point, a meteor could fall on our condo and I would just shrug and accept it, albeit with a dramatic sigh - Par for the course! Himself is trying to keep a stiff upper lip as well, but it's starting to quiver.

Staying in bed all day Saturday sounds like an excellent plan. In the meantime, there's another Cardiac session tomorrow. Maybe then I'll be in a mood to smash my records on the machines once more. As the song goes, "If it weren't for bad luck, (we) would have no luck at all!"

Day 275: on getting my act together

My plans changed today when the Queen Mother arose briefly, said she was not feeling well at all, and went back to bed. I made her some Jello and stayed home with her while Himself went to our Sunday support group. I enjoyed some egg sandwiches I made for myself, and I also made one for Himself as well.

The Queen Mother seemed to get better as the day went on, and had a bit more to eat. I am getting concerned, though, since these weird "spells" of hers are getting more frequent and more intense. They might also be tied to insomnia, as she mentioned that she didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Fortunately we have a doctor's appointment for her already scheduled for Tuesday, so we will definitely be bringing this up in conversation.

In truth, I was glad to stay home today, because I needed to get myself together and make the copies of the necessary paperwork that I am going to be dropping off tomorrow at the Credit Union. Yesterday I pulled together everything I needed to make copies of, which turned out not to be as hard as I thought it would be.

Not only did I finish off that task, but I also updated one of my budget spreadsheets and pulled the call log for the last few months. These items are for our legal and financial advisor, who may or may not become a significant player in all of this. We have an appointment to revisit her next Monday.

Tomorrow shall feature a visit to the credit union for both myself and Himself, to discuss a few matters and get some cash to pay a couple of bills. Then I will have a better idea of where I stand for the rest of the month. After all of the adulting is finished, we will head down for the next Cardiac session. I am looking forward to these workouts now, as I feel they are helping me to improve in both body and mind. 

Perseverance is my new word now. As Himself attempts to get positive results for his cases, I am doing my own legwork, focusing on getting some help for the Queen Mother (and myself if at all possible). I need to keep going and play out this game to whatever end awaits us; rolling over and praying that it all goes away is no longer an option.

Besides the physical legwork, I am also investing in some spiritual legwork as well: journaling deeply about all the Shadows that rise and ebb away, and meditating on the matters at hand in order to receive Divine Guidance. That's where I got the whole concept of Perseverance, in fact :)

Tomorrow I will be able to hit the ground running and start taking care of some very necessary business. Hopefully I will be met halfway.

Day 241: on a whitewater ride

Stepping back into the normal flow of Life these days...

Yesterday was a good day to finish cleaning up the kitchen. Today was a good day to pay some bills, which I did. We are now current on some things, almost so on others. I was feeling pretty good about the flow until I got today's mail. There was a monkey wrench contained therein: a "love note" from our credit union kindly asking for the past due amount on our Home Equity Line of Credit if we did not want them to consider foreclosing on our condo.

We had opened up this HELOC in 2015 to get our bills under control, ironically enough. It worked until Himself was diagnosed with colon cancer, and the Odyssey began. Even so, the wheels didn't start to wobble too badly until the end of last year/start of this year, when it all started to become Too Much financially, and we had to start making Significant Choices...all because we are (still!) waiting to see how the bureaucratic side of the Veteran's Administration is going to resolve Himself's carpal-tunnel claim (They agreed that he had it in his right hand, but he has it documented in both of his hands - and he is left-handed!).

To my credit, I didn't panic or break down. My first thought, in fact, was along the lines of, Well this is bloody inconvenient, especially since our main focus is on the upcoming fumigation next week. My second thought was to see what we could work out with the credit union; after all, we've worked out solutions for every other obstacle that's crossed our path. The truth is, though, if we don't hear from someone in DC by the end of this month, things are really going to start hurting. I'm saying that I'm saving up my panic till month's end, and am only half-joking in this.

In other news, we made it to City Hall, and the kind staff looked at us cross-eyed when we asked them about Public Records. They don't have them there; perhaps at the County office? I know for sure that office really don't have anything to offer, so I will need to wait to see what the Queen Mother's doctor's office has to say. It is terribly ironic that I can look up the marriage record of my paternal great-grandfather from the start of the 20th Century but cannot seem to find any note about mom becoming officially "disabled" some twenty years ago! 

I am still hoping to get some pruning done tomorrow, even though it looks like both Himself and I are going to be making a few phone calls. The summit of the mountain is so close, yet so far, in the latest glimpse through the mists.

Day 208: on a moodling wednesday

"Moodling" is a concept introduced by Sarah Ben Breathnach, if you're at all familiar with her work. It's a combination of Meandering and Puttering, doing small activities  with no particular agenda. I have been saving my Moodling for Mondays, as the calendar has been open on those days, but as there's an exception to every rule, today was my designated Moodling day. It went okay.

I received a call from the DMV, which I had to put on speaker phone so that the Queen Mother could talk to them, with a little help from me. (They didn't want to speak with me directly; how rude!) Basically, they said their records only went back to 2009, even in Microfilm, as they only keep records for ten years. It doesn't look like they will be of any help to us. 

While a part of me wants to give up, another part is still looking for answers. One option is to swear out an affidavit of my own; another is to get a Doctor's Note to swear that mom has been disabled since before 2004. There may be other options out there; right now, I'm putting out my feelers. (Himself's philosophy of Keep Copies of All Pertinent Records Forever is looking more sensible by the day!) 

Himself and I also took a trip to Fry's Electronics in San Marcos to price video cards. We found a reasonably priced one today that we will attempt to pick up tomorrow, which means our computer might just be up and functional again by the weekend. That will make the Queen Mother very happy.

Tomorrow looks to be a busy day, with appointments to be kept and errrands to be run. Fortunately it's the only really busy day this week, which has been a nice change of pace. We have reached a bit of a plateau, and it feels nice to make progress this way to the summit of the mountain, instead of having to try to scale at a near-vertical incline!

I have a few clothes to put away yet, and the tucking of mom into bed. We'll see if we can actually get up a little earlier than usual to get things done.

Day 192: on reflecting in the calm...

I have had a restful day today. The closest I came to doing any sort of work was proofreading a document Himself had typed up before he sent it out. Other than that, the day has been filled with Morning Pages and mandala coloring.

I am happy to confirm that Himself's VA attorney has filed his case with the Board of Veteran's Appeals (I've been calling it the Board of Veteran's "Affairs" all this time. Oops!). Now we are officially scaling the last of the mountain, aiming for the summit.

In the meantime, we are still awaiting a key piece of mail, and as of today, it still hasn't arrived. Instead of my previous reaction to this development, I am experimenting on letting go of the pity poverty party that's been playing in my head. Yes, money is coming, and until it does, I still have Life to deal with, so that's what I'm going to do. I even drew and colored in a mantra in my Happy Yellow Book: "Expect Miracles Every Day!" Doubtless there is some irony in being inspired to do that on the same day Notre Dame is engulfed in flames...

For dinner this evening I successfully pan-fried some of my Veggie Gyoza and had it with some steamed rice and a salad. I used some of my Goddess Dressing as a dip, and oh yes indeedy that was a delicious choice! I will definitely be doing that again in the future. 

Riffing off of that: I am leaning toward joining the Intermittent Fasting posse and seeing how that works for me. I am thinking of doing the 16:8 variation, wherein one eats normally for eight hours in the day, then fasts for the other sixteen hours. It actually makes sense, and it's something that I can see myself doing more days than not. In the near future, I'm thinking of returning to (mostly) Veganism as well, because I feel better when I'm eating plant-based, Living Food than when I'm not. I say "mostly" because I love Honey, and I'm not quite ready to let that go yet. ;)

Tomorrow begins the latest iteration of "Appointment Week," which includes Himself's all important Oncology follow up. Our intention is to learn that Nothing is Untoward and All Is Still Well, and then perhaps have a picnic at the beach. Wish us luck. 

Day 138: on microcleaning

Today turned out to be trash and recycling day: clearing out both of the bathrooms and our bedroom, along with the main trash in the kitchen and the paper recycling bag by where the Queen Mother sits. We managed to get everything sorted before this round of rain got underway, so that was some good work. We also managed to get a quick grocery run in before the rain started in earnest. I felt like I made some good headway.

Trash and recycling also helped to distract my mind from worrying over money, as I had not received notification as of this morning about my timesheet being processed, and how much was going into the bank. I plotted out my worry in my Morning Pages, and found I had written myself into a calmer and more pragmatic stance when I was done. As the 15th had fallen on a Friday, and this past Monday had been a holiday, of course there was going to be a backlog of timesheets to process. As mine had not been ready to go first thing Tuesday morning, of course I was going to be further back in the queue. I should get a notice tonight (their system tends to notify you sometime between midnight and 1am; don't ask me why), and then I will act accordingly.

With the rain falling, Himself and I are skippping a trip down to San Diego tomorrow morning, which opens up the day for more huswifery: laundry for him, more cleaning and reorganizing for me. By focussing on cleaning one smallish area at a time, I'm actually building some momentum, which might eventually lead to more cleaning elswhere in the house, which would please the Queen Mother to no end. If nothing else, I can distract myself from worrying about money all the damn time!

Continuing to inch my way up the mountain...

Day 129: on picking and choosing

Today I sorted through the mail, recycling half of it, and putting in our shredding bag half of what was left. I looked through everything and endeavored to figure out what to pay and when we absolutely needed to pay it. We wound up going to our gas and electric provider, ready to make a payment on our bill, and wound up negotiating a bit more time, until I get my next paycheck sometime next week. (President's Day on Monday is another Federal holiday, and will need to be taken into account.)

We then stopped by Trader Joe's to grab some necessities, and again needed to figure out what we could get now, and what needed to wait until later. Fortunately, we are getting a small stipend each month in food stamps - which are now automatically loaded onto an ordinary looking plastic card these days - and I was able to use that today to pay for our one bag. Also fortunately, some gift cards from Cancer Angels arrived today, and will help to make life much easier for the rest of the month.

I don't feel terribly depressed at the moment, as 1) things worked out better than I thought they would, and 2) Himself and I are both confident that the end of our struggles is coming sooner, instead of later. We have begun to climb the mountain.

I will be starting my next mandala after I finish with this post. Onward...

Day 107: on being in a rebuilding phase

We are a bit more than halfway through the new year, and I feel like I'm in a Rebuilding phase. I have let go of a lot of stuff from the past few years, and a lot has been sandblasted off of me over the past few years. I feel rather empty, yet cleaned up and ready to be refilled. My question is, with what?

One of the reasons I composed a "100 Things " list was to mine my previous dreams and goals for clues as to what remains within me, now that the Dumpster Fire has all but burned out. I found a little girl who still wants to create, but perhaps not in ways she previously has. I found the Priestess, a bit banged up and bruised, perhaps, but she still carries Magick within her spirit. I found a woman who wants to travel with her husband and have new adventures. I found a social butterfly, her wings pumping to get some life back into them, after staying folded for a long time. I found these aspects of myself that I was afraid I had lost.

My challenge is to navigate the rebuilding in situ, while life continues to unfold around me. Just because this Dumpster Fire is out doesn't mean there aren't hot spots buried deep in the rubble, or that other dumpsters won't catch fire on their own accord. 

Case in Point: I received letters from the County of San Diego office yesterday. According to them, all of the answers I have gathered are now moot, because the questions have been changed. There are three different options for the Queen Mother now, and her Social Security paymet looks like it's too much for all of them. My initial reaction on seeing these letters was, What the Actual Fuck! (pardon my Swahili) 

My new bestie the Pragmatist chimed in as I began to eye the familiar rabbit holes: "Look, call AARP, get a quote from them, take the quote to the county and see what that number will get us. We can move forward from there." Sensible plan. Now I want to go to the hearing, if for no other reason than to get someone there to sit down and explain what is going on in Plain English. My working hypothesis is that they are rolling out April's new Federal Poverty guidelines now, to minimize the hot mess that is gaining momentum in DC and theatening to spill over even more into the other states. So we shall see what happens this week.

Despite all of this, my initial impulse this time is not to isolate, but to reach out, reconnect, sympathize in some areas, but also to return to communities beyond mere support groups. I've done the surviving part; more and more, I want to return to a place of Thriving again. For the first part of this year, I will need to limit myself to "free" activities, especially if I come up with a solution to the Queen Mother's Medi-Cal that everyone can live with. The second part of the year looks much brighter, at least in this moment, and I am happy to go with that.

I'm going to see if I can work up some old-fashioned momentum and get as much done as I can, on a holiday that some folks don't really want to celebrate. It may be hit and miss tomorrow, but if nothing else, my ducks should all be in a row come Tuesday, when business will be back to usual. Pray that I find that magic number!

Day 96: on small favors

Today felt like it was going to be one of those Heavy Days when I first woke up, partially because I didn't really want to get up, since I was beginning to bleed in earnest. I exercised a bit of patience, though, and as soon as the Queen Mother was settled in with breakfast, and I was settled in with my tea, I took to my Morning Pages and wrote a nice long pitiful rant about one of my favorite subjects - the complete idiocy that is the Medi-Cal system today.

When I was done, I was visited by my Inner Pragmatist. Yes, I will give it the old college try, one more time, to find something that will be acceptible by Medi-Cal standards to bring the Queen Mother back under The Line. However, bridging a $12 gap is one thing; bridging a gap ten times as wide is another matter entirely. Is it really worth the loss of income in the face of the monthly march of bills? If I don't find anything, and I have to stop being an Official Paid Provider for the Queen Mother, is it going to be that big of a loss in the light of her increased monthly Social Security payment, which will actually help with the bills? If I don't succeed, perhaps I won't be that disappointed after all.

Himself went on to his chiropractic appointment while I was pulling myself together, then I joined him when we went down to the VA Medical Center for the next round of appointments. While he was getting his monthly port flushing (he still has his chemo port, and actually prefers using it when necessary, instead of having a nurse trying to find a useful vein in his arm), we were visited by the Oncology case manager. His PET scan results didn't show anything untoward in his gastro-intestinal system (YES!), but she said there was a "little bit of activity" around his prostate...which could be explained by the fact that he fell straight onto his tailbone the day after Christmas, two weeks ago. They called for a PSA test to be sure, but there's a good possibility that he's still clear and in remission. We will know tomorrow for sure. The best news: we wouldn't have to return tomorrow morning to the VAMC, as Oncology is way overbooked.

"Appointment Week" then came to an early conclusion after a follow up visit to the Pain Clinic, where Himself's protocols were reviewed, and new Authorizations to continue Acupuncure, Chiropractic, and Physical Therapy were written up and sent off. We made it home in decent time, getting off the freeway just before all the traffic backed up due to a major accident that had shut down the entirety of Northbound I-15!

I munched on some dry stuffing (basically it's like croutons before you add water and cook it) as I got the dinners for the Queen Mother and myself ready, while Himself steamed some rice to have with his mock chicken. I had some tea with my dinner, courtesy of an error from Starbucks, when I ordered a tall black tea and they gave me a Treinta (extra large) tea instead. Yes, I had tea for days.

I noticed these little details - the tea mixup, the pragmatic perspective, the ending of appointment obligations, and the fortuitous exiting of the freeway - along with the golden light as sunset approached, and the antics of my cats. Going Small has helped me to see these Love Notes from the Universe when I might have otherwise missed them, and I will take all of the cheering up and recentering that I can get.

Tomorrow is an open day for much of the day, and it will also be my first Heavy Bleeding day. Perfect Timing. :)