blogging when i don't feel like it ;)

Yesterday I said I would see everyone today, and of course, today I don't feel like blogging, because for the past few days I have been anti-social and anti-people. Part of it is being tired, part of it is trying to keep my energy strong and open when I'm not feeling that way, and part of it is unintentionally carrying around the baggage from everyone else. For this last part, I have a little trick I use: I ask, deliberately and sometimes aloud, "How much of what I'm feeling is Actually Mine?" I always feel lighter after about a minute or two and can usually ascribe a percentage to what has sloughed off. Today, a whopping 80% I was feeling was NOT mine! Such are the joys of being a Sensitive. :p

I also know a part is directed toward the Queen Mother. Mom can be trying on the best of days, and as her Dementia progresses, she can get quite obsessive over things that wouldn't have bothered her ten years ago. Today it was about the cats "not being allowed to go outside anymore." She freely admits that she is projecting her limitations upon them, and she considers the coyote sightings we have had around her the equivalent of Fake News. Nothing that I have said to her makes a difference. Tonight, Himself called at just the perfect time to leave the room, and it was time for the evening news when I got off the phone with him, so I turned on the tv and left her to watch the news as I went into the other room to eat my dinner in peace.

It was another double laundry day for Himself and myself, as we each washed a load and took our loads to the laundromat for drying. Inkblot did some of his up close and personal supervising again, this time waiting until I had almost loaded the washer completely before jumping in. Of course I took him out before I started the washer up. I think he rebalanced the washer tub after his sojourn in it, which is a good thing; the unbalanced tub jolted me awake this morning as it went into its spin-dry and sounded like a train about ready to go off the tracks!

I also posted what seems to be my most popular Inktober drawing to date: the "Coffee Zombie," who is drawn more to coffee than to brains. I felt like I had lost the spark last night when I attempted to draw a dog looking at a fly that had landed on its nose. I posted it even though I didn't want to, because I felt like it wasn't at all good, even for a doodle. Not everything is going to be a winner as I exercise my doodling muscles, though - and in truth, I was feeling a little rushed because it was after 11pm when I realized I hadn't drawn anything, and it had already been a long day. So yeah, dog-with-fly wasn't my best, and Coffee Zombie, which I had the idea of doing and the time to doodle it, felt much better.

We will be shopping for groceries tomorrow and getting ready for Yom Kippur, the famous Day of Atonement in the Judaic tradition. Not sure if I'm going to blog tomorrow or Wednesday, so watch this space...

Day 360: on inktober and *feeling* my pluto

As I come into the home stretch of one project, I am starting a new one with Inktober. It's doing a drawing a day, ostensibly to sharpen one's drawing skills, but also to have some fun. I'm going to be sharing my "daily doodles" on Instagram, but I'll put the first one here as well...

Here's a wee story as to why I'm participating this year:
I consider myself a strong writer; my storytelling is mainly through my words. I have become pretty good with the art of collage. Photography is also something I work with rather well, when I put my mind to it. Drawing I have considered a "weaker" mode of creative self-expression, because my "realistic" drawing skills are not that good. Back in junior high and high school, I took the odd art class and tried very hard, but found myself being lapped by other students who were way more talented at drawing a shoe, a cat, a tree, and making them look really good.

However, as the years have passed, I've had a significant a-ha moment: though my shoe, cat, or tree might never approach photo-quality realism, I CAN draw a "cartoon" shoe, cat, or tree, and it looks halfway decent. My goal for Inktober is to exercise my doodling muscles, and see what happens from there. My plan is to draw something at random (though I already have some ideas in mind), and maybe go off a prompt now and then from the website, or maybe not.

I almost didn't start Inktober today because I felt so radically sick to my stomach earlier. Today had some good moments, but it was definitely an Out of Sorts day, the first one I've had since our financial windfall in August. I was feeling the Heavies pretty much from the time I woke up this morning. Part of it was feeling tired from not getting as much sleep as I optimally need for the past couple of nights; part of it was anxiety from having to leave the Queen Mother when she wasn't feeling very well (in her words). It's not the easiest, providing care and support for two people, even if one of them is striving to be as independent as he can.

A lot of other folks have been, or will be, feeling Super Heavy feels as Pluto stations direct in a few days. Pluto was the Lord of the Underworld in Roman Mythology, and this planet/oid stationing direct always tends to bring Dark Material from the Shadow Realm up to the surface of awareness to be examined and worked with/through. So no, you and I and she and he are not alone in this.

Back to today: our "quick trip" to the VA Medical Center turned out not to be quite as quick as we had intended. Yes, Himself got his port flushed, but we also picked up a prescription for his newest statin to try. He also stopped by the Gastro-Intestinal department to see about his next "coming and going" appointment, only to find out the combination Endoscopy and Flexible Sigmoidoscopy procedures had been put On Hold by the Cardiologists until he was off the medications he had been put on post-receipt of his stent, which was last May. Well then! No more GoLytely until next May! (oh gee, what a pity.) He also got his annual flu shot before we departed.

Once finished, we went to a nearby deli to grab some sandwiches, and the veggie wrap that I purchased had avocado on it. The avocado, I believe, is what did me in physically. I am one of those unfortunate people who gets wicked stomach cramps whenever I eat it, though they had subsided to nothing over the past ten years. Now, my body chemistry appears to have changed again, and I'm back to not being able to digest avocado properly. All things considered, though, I don't feel it's a big loss.

We ate lunch at the beach, saving Tashlich for another day, then did our necessary grocery shopping - those cats have to eat every day, ya know. I laid down when we got home, got up to fix mom dinner, then laid down again and eventually had an extended nap. I fixed myself a salad after waking up and feel much better now. :)

Himself is making noises once again about resuming his cardiac rehab workouts, so we will see how tomorrow unfolds. I can guarantee another drawing for Inktober, but that's about it.

Day 351: on re-aligning

I made it to my friend Amalya's place for the celebration of the Equinox today. Yeah, I know the Equinox is actually tomorrow, but we tend to gather on the Sunday before the major Pagan holidays. 

It felt so good to be with my sisters again - even better now that I'm free of the circumstances that triggered my episodes of Depression. I had a few opportunities to share my good news. Appropriate that today was about balancing our Brightness with our Shadows. We had a bit of a meditation, then crafted masks that showed our "light" and "dark" sides. I will be taking a pic and posting it on Instagram tomorrow; I will see if I can post it here as well.

One off my sisters brought her dog with her to the circle. He's a small-ish dog, a mix of something and something else. (Sorry, I'm a cat person.) He has been known to waddle over and plop down under or beside someone who needs a little extra Blessing energy; today was my day to receive his Medicine. I joked that he was trying to get me to come over to the "Dog Side." ;)

The scatter-brained-ness I felt yesterday has dissipated. I feel ready to consider the question of Who I Am Now, since I have finally made it to the Other Side, this week as the moon goes Dark. Tomorrow is the first day of what is called "Libra Season," and it's my Natal Season as well. Mama's coming home once again. :-)

Day 123: on the magic of play

So first off, let me share the picture of my finished vision board. I had promised I was going to share it last night, but I wasn't in the space to post anything at all...

I've also had the idea to alter the front of a little yellow notebook that I purchased on sale, as part of a set of three, and I've been doing that over the past couple of days. I want to share that with you as well:

For the last three days, I've been doing more than collaging; I've been playing. Playing wih images, playing with layout, playing with color. I have been Creating through this play, and I've noticed that the Heavies are not nearly as heavy as they were, especially today.

I consider it a minor miracle that, as cranky as I was yesterday, I woke up this morning with barely any crankiness. Yes, I tended to the laundry, and kept an ear open while the Queen Mother took her shower. Yes, I have some more financial concerns on the immediate horizon - but I mainly Played today, and the other things barely bothered me at all. I am surprised and deeply Grateful for this shift in attitude. I even did a reading for myself today, and got some good results from it. 

I'm shifting back to the mandalas in the next day or two, as I will be filling "long" stretches of time in waiting rooms. But I seem to have tapped into a source of Magick by switching up my modalities, so I'll have to see what other opportunities to Play arise for me as Winter begins to thaw subtly into Spring.

Day 121: on tapping into my creativity

Last Sunday I wrote about my friend who runs a cool circle for women. This Sunday, since Himself had a commitment in San Diego, I got a ride over to her place to join with several of my other sisters to come together and celebrate Imbolc, the pagan holiday that preceded Candlemas. (He came to pick me up afterwards.)

Not only was it good to reconnect with friends old and new, it was also good to reconnect with my creativity. One small piece of posterboard and roughly a dozen images later, I had a vibrant vision board. It wasn't a board of wishes to come true; rather, it was more a board to affirm I have survived the worst and am emerging from the Dim, transformed and ready, more or less, to return to the world around me. I'll share a picture of it tomorrow. We all feasted on a yummy potluck dinner that came together, and shared some of the meanings we had found in our boards.

It was good to be nurtured and supported in Sisterhood once more. And that's about all that I'm going to say, for I am very tired, and my Moonflow is about to begin once more...