turning tides

So I am sitting here, writing a new blog post and sipping some "Candy Cane Green Tea" from Trader Joes, a gift from a friend. There is a lot of Peppermint in this tea, as my mouth tingles a little after every sip! I am wanting an Evening Teatime as of late, to bookend the Tea and Morning Pages time that seems to help me anchor myself as I start my day. Perhaps it is my version of a digestif; if nothing else, it's definitely much lower in calories than anything I could munch on, and I've done enough of that already in this Odyssey, to my detriment!

Anyway, some better updates:
The Queen Mother seems to be improving incrementally. She is no longer spending half the day in bed, and is sounding more like her usual self. I say that she's not truly decent unless she has something to complain about, and she is picking up about where she left off, which was the day of her doctor's appointments. She is emailing her friends again, so this is also good.

Himself received an update from his personal injury attorney. One of the insurance agencies for one of the other drivers involved in the car accident in 2018 had agreed to what Himself's attorney had asked for, and had cut a check. Now there is the matter of persuading the other insurance agency to follow suit. Even if this agency agrees tomorrow and cuts the check, though, we're still not finished. There is the matter of asking our insurance agency if they would be willing to reduce their reimbursement request for the Med-Pay that Himself received to take care of his various post-accident complaints. Then we circle back once again to your friend and mine, the Veteran's Administration. Apparently they need to be asked if they would be willing to settle for less than their billed amount - which also happens to contain items that had nothing to do with the accident. We might be waiting until the next decade starts for a response, and I'm only half-joking.

Something interesting has been happening to me in the interim. I found a post on Instagram about something called the "30 Day Perfectionism Challenge," which is about breaking out of perfectionist tendencies. I embraced this challenge and have been doing it imperfectly in a big way. I've fallen behind and caught up. I've swapped days around as I've needed to. I have also made videos in response to some of these prompts. In so doing, parts of myself that I thought had been lost during this Odyssey have been found, and I feel like I'm getting back into my groove. I'm not sure what will happen once the challenge is over, but I will see if I can keep the momentum going.

May these tides continue to turn in my favor! :)

Day 293: on wading through the molasses

I ran out of my regular chai tea I get from Trader Joe's, so I needed to sniff around in my tea tins. I found a bag with a couple of teabags from (I believe) the Republic of Tea company. I don't know what flavor it was, but it was very tasty. It went very well with my Morning Pages today.

I needed all of the delights I could get, for today was a Heavy day off and on. My Depression is convinced that this is as good as it's going to get, so Giving Up would be a good idea. I steadfastly ignored it and did some decent Adulting instead: updating my to-do list, sorting through mail, dealing with paperwork, making return phone calls.

I managed to get a hold of a woman in the PACE program that St. Paul's church runs. (No, you don't have to be Catholic to benefit. They helped out my local uncle and his family and he was Presbyterian.) They primarily help with medical support, and some adult day care. I am bookmarking them because the Queen Mother doesn't need that level of help at this moment - and getting her over to a daycare situation would be challenging at best, with her chronic pain issues.

Himself was invited to speak at a meeting tonight, so I went with him. Getting out actually helped lighten me up a bit, as I felt a bit more Reconnected with life and the world. He will need the car tomorrow, as he will be pinch-hitting at the Club for an evening shift, so I will be staying home. I'm going to try to see about tackling the kitchen and a bit of recycling, which should, in turn, help my frame of mind. 

Day 103: on finding some motivation

I got a good night's sleep last evening into morning, something that had been eluding me recently. Waking up feeling moderately refreshed makes a world of difference. I got going a bit later than I had intended, but this time I managed to cross several items off of my to-do list.

One item I took care of was finding a good possibility in supplemental insurance, through the good folks of AARP. I will be phoning them tomorrow. I am also currently playing phone tag with a lady in the Appeals department at Medi-Cal; we might actually have something for them at the hearing next week!

I also paid a quick visit to Trader Joe's in the afternoon, to grab ourselves some tea. We are a tea family; even Himself is drinking more tea, especially in the morning, because coffee is becoming a bit too acidic for his stomach to handle. With the tea and a few other necessities in the bag, we got home and had dinner. (I assembled the Queen Mother's dinner before Himself and I left.)

I have some paperwork to drop off at the County Health & Human Services office tomorrow, and will try to do that before the rain starts up again tomorrow afternoon. I'm also looking forward to my caregiver support group tomorrow, since Himself's "Appointment Week" diverted me from attending last week's group. I try to attend a group every week; the two groups I found are not in the same location, but they both fit in to the schedule nicely - at least, when there aren't any appointments scheduled.

Good day overall. They're starting to outnumber the bad ones... :)

Day 96: on small favors

Today felt like it was going to be one of those Heavy Days when I first woke up, partially because I didn't really want to get up, since I was beginning to bleed in earnest. I exercised a bit of patience, though, and as soon as the Queen Mother was settled in with breakfast, and I was settled in with my tea, I took to my Morning Pages and wrote a nice long pitiful rant about one of my favorite subjects - the complete idiocy that is the Medi-Cal system today.

When I was done, I was visited by my Inner Pragmatist. Yes, I will give it the old college try, one more time, to find something that will be acceptible by Medi-Cal standards to bring the Queen Mother back under The Line. However, bridging a $12 gap is one thing; bridging a gap ten times as wide is another matter entirely. Is it really worth the loss of income in the face of the monthly march of bills? If I don't find anything, and I have to stop being an Official Paid Provider for the Queen Mother, is it going to be that big of a loss in the light of her increased monthly Social Security payment, which will actually help with the bills? If I don't succeed, perhaps I won't be that disappointed after all.

Himself went on to his chiropractic appointment while I was pulling myself together, then I joined him when we went down to the VA Medical Center for the next round of appointments. While he was getting his monthly port flushing (he still has his chemo port, and actually prefers using it when necessary, instead of having a nurse trying to find a useful vein in his arm), we were visited by the Oncology case manager. His PET scan results didn't show anything untoward in his gastro-intestinal system (YES!), but she said there was a "little bit of activity" around his prostate...which could be explained by the fact that he fell straight onto his tailbone the day after Christmas, two weeks ago. They called for a PSA test to be sure, but there's a good possibility that he's still clear and in remission. We will know tomorrow for sure. The best news: we wouldn't have to return tomorrow morning to the VAMC, as Oncology is way overbooked.

"Appointment Week" then came to an early conclusion after a follow up visit to the Pain Clinic, where Himself's protocols were reviewed, and new Authorizations to continue Acupuncure, Chiropractic, and Physical Therapy were written up and sent off. We made it home in decent time, getting off the freeway just before all the traffic backed up due to a major accident that had shut down the entirety of Northbound I-15!

I munched on some dry stuffing (basically it's like croutons before you add water and cook it) as I got the dinners for the Queen Mother and myself ready, while Himself steamed some rice to have with his mock chicken. I had some tea with my dinner, courtesy of an error from Starbucks, when I ordered a tall black tea and they gave me a Treinta (extra large) tea instead. Yes, I had tea for days.

I noticed these little details - the tea mixup, the pragmatic perspective, the ending of appointment obligations, and the fortuitous exiting of the freeway - along with the golden light as sunset approached, and the antics of my cats. Going Small has helped me to see these Love Notes from the Universe when I might have otherwise missed them, and I will take all of the cheering up and recentering that I can get.

Tomorrow is an open day for much of the day, and it will also be my first Heavy Bleeding day. Perfect Timing. :)

Day 93: on having a slightly off day

I thought I had licked the ant problem last night. I was wrong. They were invading Himself's coffee maker today, and I found that they had invaded the electric part of my electric teakettle, meaning I wouldn't be able to get them out without flushing them out, which would ruin the kettle entirely. I had to toss the teakettle and go on a spraying and wiping rampage in the kitchen. I still don't know if Himself's coffee maker will be salvageable yet. Although I have removed ALL possible crumbs they might try to get their little antennae on, I can't tell where they're coming in, except that they seem to be behind the cupboards, or way in the back of them at the very least. :p

I wound up filling up one of my small pots and using it as an ersatz kettle to boil water in, both for my tea and for my oatmeal. Between losing my trusty electric kettle, rampaging all over the kitchen, and chatting online with a friend who is going through challenges halfway around the world, I didn't get a good start to the day, and I was a bit out of sorts the entire day. I also acknowledge 1) It's been something of a high-vibe week, that culminated in yesterday's birthday party, and 2) I haven't gotten as much sleep as I would have liked for the past few nights. So I've been a little tired all day. Let me just take a moment to accept that...

I did manage to get myself some tea and breakfast before tidying up the dining room table and taking out the trash. I read the parts of the Sunday paper I wanted to over dinner.

I also did a bit of an experiment: I have participated in a friend's "plan out your year" program for about four or five years, and have saved bits of the old books along the way. One of the activities in the program is to write a list of "100 things to do" during the year. I went through some of the old lists that I had to see what had been done in the time since I first filled out the lists, what could not be done anymore, and what I had yet to do. In gathering the yet-to-be-done things together, I found many of them were creative, arty projects that I had once intended to do, but inadvertently left behind (once I met my husband, and/or once everything began to go haywire). I found myself wondering if any of those forgotten projects could be brought forth and realized, so that's percolating in the back of my head. I came up with 63 things total, which would be a good foundation for a 2019 version of the list! I plan to return to the list later in the week.

It feels like I will be turning in once the Queen Mother is safely in bed, which is a good thing, as tomorrow is Himself's PET scan, and I will need to drive him home. I will be taking my mandala coloring book with me and starting a new mandala. If I'm fortunate, I'll be able to wash my hair before we need to hit the road.

Day 55: on a rainy day

I did not go out as early as I had anticipated today, so I was able to stay home in the morning and ease into the day, with my Chai tea latte and my Morning Pages, while Himself braved the highways to take care of some business in Point Loma. The Pages are my way to dump my sometimes crazy thoughts onto the page, so I can get them out of my head. They also hold space for me when I'm working out a dilemma, or doing necessary Shadow-Work. With the onset of cooler Winter days, the Chai tea not only warms me up, it also helps me pause when I need to take a breath after some frenzied scribbling, or when my thoughts have scattered to the Four Directions and I need to regather them. Sip and Write, I jotted down this morning, Sip and Write.

When Himself returned, I braved the deluge and joined him to do some much needed grocery shopping. Then it was off to the eye doctor, because Himself needed an eye exam, and a form from the DMV filled out, before he could get his driver's license renewed. This entailed a dilation of the pupils, which meant that Yours Truly had to drive him home. Fortunately, not only was it a cloudy day, but the eye doctor isn't too far from where we live. To celebrate the completion of our errands, I got an eggnog beverage from Starbucks. We arrived home just as the next wave of rain began to fall.

Moment of confession: I am an Eggnog Fiend. It's one of my favorite things in the Universe, right behind dark chocolate and well ahead of anything Pumpkin Spiced. My challenge is to enjoy it In Moderation!

We enjoyed - and needed - an after dinner nap before I went along with Himself this evening, just in case, since his pupils were still oversized. I didn't have to drive after all, and that's just fine. We drove home through off and on rain, which is falling once more as I type. It is very much needed and welcomed after the recent fires up north, and after several years of drought in mainly sunny (and warm) SoCal. Right now, I have a small girl cat in my lap keeping me warm. :)

Tomorrow is shaping up to be a catch-up day, to tie off any loose ends that remain to be done from earlier in the week. I don't think it's supposed to rain again until Saturday, but we shall see.   

Day 30: on appreciating the "little things"

With the switch back to (Pacific) Standard Time, we received the gift of a "25 hour" day. Though I appreciated the extra hour of sleep, the day got off to a bit of a rocky start, with the Queen Mother freaking out over the fact that we were temporarily out of cat food. The irony is, she didn't want to be adopted by the cats (yes, that's how it happened), but now she seems more invested in them than I am at times. I had to remind myself: it's not my mother, it's her dementia. At any rate, I showered, dressed, then went to get the cat food. When I returned home, I delberately slowed down and brewed myself a cup of tea to Reset my morning. There is nothing like a good cup of one's favorite morning beverage (looking at all of my coffee-loving peeps), enjoyed Slowly and Mindfully, to get one's day (re)started right.

In my case, it "sorta" worked...there was a bit of miscommunication between Himself and me in the early afternoon, which fouled up my mood until I returned to my mandala and colored some more of it in. When he had finished his errands, then we went grocery shopping, and came back to have dinner before moving into the evening.

There was a meeting that I wanted to attend tonight, which I did, pushing through my resistance. It wound up having a very good vibe, and I'm grateful for finding a new outlet of support. On the way home, we noticed that the fog was rolling in significantly on the coast, the first real fog of the cooler weather. The fog didn't lift until we were about halfway home.

I am taking a moment now to pat myself on the back for blogging consistently for an entire month - Yay Me! I know that I have reconnected with my Morning Pages through blogging; I'm writing in the Pages with more consistency than I have in the recent past. I also know that writing here and in the Pages led me to the idea of Going Small, and that is beginning to produce some dividends in my life. :)

One thing I didn't manage to do was start on the paperwork for Medi-Cal or Cal-Works. I gave it the old college try, but my mind went into vapor-lock within about five minutes, and I chose not to try to push through. Monday is a fresh start, and is mostly empty, so I will try again then. As is said in Recovery, Easy Does It.

Day 7: on making it through a "heavy" day

I knew from the moment I woke up this morning that it was going to be one of the Heavy days, when Life seems to press down so hard and so completely it took great effort to get even a simple task done. This is the form my Depression takes, when Life lacks even a smidge of excitement, and my interior vision is made up solely of shades of gray. The color of the world doesn't seem to stick.

Each time I tried to do something to emerge from the Heavies, I would make a little progress, then slide back down and in. Tidy up in the home and take out the trash? Nope. Radically cut back on my social media intake? Nope. Get out of the house and go with Himself to the VA? Nope. Finally manage to cross a few things off my to-do list? Nope. Have dinner? Nope. Nothing worked long enough to snap me out of my funk.

I had committed to attend a meeting in the evening, but was not feeling it at all on the way down to San Diego, where the meeting was to take place. I'm glad I went, though, for three reasons: 1) I happened to mention to a dear friend that my Depression was getting the better of me. She was not able to come with us this evening, but she did give Himself a care package to give to me, which contained various flavors of tea - which will come in handy in the Winter months to come. 2) I usually leave the meeting much better than I enter it; tonight was, fortunately, no exception. 3) We had an actual thunderstorm in San Diego proper, and the lightning cut through the tension that had resided within me all day. For each of these reasons, I am grateful.

I have a clearer idea of what felt so Heavy today. I'm going to sit with it and journal on it before I share about it, if y'all don't mind...