climbing back on the blogging bandwagon

I have not had the best week this week. I went on what I'm calling a Depression Bender for a few days, starting on Wednesday (my birthday, as it happens). I felt better on Saturday after doing a bit of Shadow Work, but today has been an anxious day, and I got to the point where my nerves were completely fried and I could not do anything else but take a nap. I do feel more stable and less anxious after my nap, though.

I thought I had found the perfect set up for watching over the Queen Mother while I went on vacation with Himself to Seattle. When I talked with the lady at SCRC, though, she informed me that the (reasonable) daily rate was for housing mom at the residential facility they work with. Problem is, who would come in and feed the cats? We boarded them during the fumigation of our condo, and that was a near disaster, as they quit eating and pooping and were downright miserable. (Oh yes, and when we got them home again, they puked for nearly an entire week!) When I asked after the hourly rate, I was informed that it would be twice as expensive as the residential price - and the rate of $13.50 per hour is HALF of what any agency in the area would charge.

The tricky part is that the Queen Mother doesn't necessarily need someone to stay all night with her, but she does need help in going to bed the first time, as it is very painful for her, and she usually doesn't get to be till about midnight. (At the moment, she can manage getting up to pee in the wee hours by herself.) She has also mentioned several times that she gets lonely when we have to leave the house to take care of our business. Translation: she relies on me to keep her company. :p

The idea that we wouldn't have enough money to have someone come and watch her, combined with the idea that I would have to give up Yet Another Vacation, on top of the pressure I (unwittingly) put on myself to have a "good day" on my birthday...it was all too much. We're now back to square one to find someone who can come and watch her, hopefully at a reasonable cost. This time, fortunately, Himself is helping me to look for someone. I am saving the research I have already done, because when we get the next infusion of money, I will be going through one of these agencies to bring someone in to spell me for respite.

And about money - the financial windfall has been used up. I'm trying very hard not to blame either Himself or myself for not being more thrifty with the money, and it didn't help that we had to pay a third of what we had received to his DC attorney. I admit, the outlook today isn't as bleak as it once was: the personal injury settlement is in progress, and we are waiting to hear from one of the insurance companies. (The other one has responded in a less than satisfactory way, and he might be pursuing mediation against them.) Himself's attorney in DC is set to present the idea that he is Totally and Permanently Disabled, which would bring his "service connection" to 100%. This would mean a big jump in his monthly pension, dental work covered by the VA, forgiveness of his student loan debt, and insurance for me. Himself is also planning on pursuing the original carpal-tunnel case further, as 2015 doesn't go back far enough, not when he has evidence regarding his condition dating back to 1993. On top of all of that, Himself and the Queen Mother are both set to receive Cost of Living increases starting in January, which will help.

Our financial situation isn't as bleak as it was, as we have definitive progress...but try telling that to my beyond-frazzled nervous system, which has been waiting and waiting and has no cushion left to absorb any perceived blows. Try telling that to my frayed emotions, which have been waiting and waiting for some sort of Relief and takes every setback like it's thermonuclear devastation. Try telling that to my weary spirit, which has traded Expectation for Faith, and has clung to expectations so hard, in a This or Nothing way, that these expectations are becoming toxic. In other words, the windfall was nice, but it didn't alter the fact that I'm still a Hot Mess inside.

This is why I'm returning to daily, or at least weekdaily, posting on the blog. It's when I stopped doing it regularly that I realized its importance: it was serving as a place where I could vent, as well as share, regardless of whether or not I had an audience. (I did/do appreciate the comments, though, so please keep them coming!) More, it was something I could rely upon within myself, and help me get through the day. If I did nothing else on some days but post on my blog, I was doing Something, and often times that was just enough to keep me afloat, or at the very least, ignoring the pressure that threatened to squeeze me into a bloody pulp. I'm already feeling better having reclaimed my "voice" and letting loose here, in fact.

Next I need to share the Good Stuff that's transpired, but I'll save that for the next day or two. Promise. 

On *300* Days of Blogging!

Wow. I have reached the home stretch. Two more months (-ish) to go! When I began, I was only hoping I could reach this point. Now I am taking a moment to look at what I have accomplished in this space and am giving myself a wee pat on the back. :)

As for today: I returned to my Spiritual project. I went out and did some significant grocery shopping with Himself, as mom's Social Security money arrived. I paid some bills and figured out which other bills to pay tomorrow. I am coloring a new mandala to celebrate the start of the Harvest Season, Autumn.

We had to shift a few more plans around, namely when we could have someone come over to repair our rear windshield; yes, we found someone who could do a house call! Himself has already squirrled away the $250 for our deductible, and our insurance will pay the rest. I'm halfway expecting our rates to go up after this is all said and done, though...

I have returned to that wonderful calm and stable place. Things might not be that great, but they're not that horrible either. I'm looking forward to building on this momentum and perhaps even getting back to some decent Adulting next week.

Tomorrow I will be dropping Himself off at the Alano Club in the afternoon - for a planned shift, this time - and gifting myself with a small treat before heading over for my Friday meeting. The energy is shifting, and Just for Today, I am breathing much easier.

Day 266: on entering the last hundred days

This is the first day of the last hundred days of my year-long blogging project. I am totally pleased with myself that I have not missed a day, though I have tweaked the clock several times to make sure I fit into the parameters. I intend to continue this blog after the initial project comes to a graceful conclusion, though I don't think I will be posting every day. If nothing else, I will be taking weekends off, perhaps holidays as well, and I will think very hard about posting during a Mercury Retrograde period. ;)

As I enter these last hundred days, I am finally seeing some shifting in my attitude. I'm not quite ready to sing about the hills and the Sound of Music just yet, but I am not nearly as dense and Heavy as I was when I started. A lot of this I attribute to working out with Himself as he rehabilitates his heart. I seem to be getting as much out of the sessions as he is, if not a little more. Today Himself and I tackled the Stairmaster, after which my legs were hating on me for a few minutes. I rested and finished up my day on the hand bike, after which my arms started hating on me for a few minutes. The stiffness and soreness were short-lived, though, as I rested and drank my water. Once again, I got my Sparkle on (aka, broke a sweat).

I move my body and breathe in more oxygen. I move my body and start dropping some weight. Right now, I'm down some 15 pounds from when I first considered Intermittent Fasting a few months ago, and some 25 pounds from my heaviest point. Not eating as much for as long is also helping me regain some focus and some Serenity. I'm no longer trying to Eat My Emotions as fast as I could shovel food down my throat, and I'm making an effort to eat more nutritious things and cut back on those comfort foods. I stray outside the "fasting zone" on occasion, but I've so far managed to get back on track within the next day or so. Tomorrow in fact I'm going to have a fruit breakfast because I had a little extra today.

I am still hopeful that I will finish this blogging odyssey in a radically different place than when I started it; at the very least, I have begun Unsticking myself in significant ways. This weekend I have that paperwork that I will tackle for good before I move on to the next task. As Himself will be fulfilling some commitments in San Diego, this gives me some windows of opportunity to get some good work done. Though my words might be few and my posts brief, I will be checking in.

Here's to everyone having a nice restful weekend before we enter the July Fry...and Eclipse Season.

Day 182: on reaching the halfway point in blogging

Well, friends, I've been at this for six whole months and not yet missed a day! Considering the craziness that has been my life over these past six months, that's something I can take a bit of pride in. :)

I was hoping this consistency would spill over to other parts of my life. In that, the result has been Not Yet. Projects that I've started had petered out, but I have gotten quite a bit done if I look at the number of things that I have started, even if I have piled a lot of Incomplete/In Progress things on my plate.

Part of it is the presence of my Depression - even if it's not active in the foreground, it waits poised in the background, ready to come in and take over all of my thoughts, and encourage me to sleep and sleep some more, and eat All The Things, no matter how fatty or sugary they might be. Depression thinks it's safer for me to stuff my anger down and "implode" rather than project it out and "explode" in fiery rage that might burn a lot before the flames go out.

It's easy to be angry when I'm tired and really needing some significant Respite Time. It's easy to be angry when processes that should be easy turn out to have unexpected twists and turns, and take forever to complete, and might not even bring the desired outcome. It's easy to be angry when this thing called "Caregiving" threatens to drown me and wipe out every single dream and desire that I have, along with every dollar and cent in my bank account, especially when I'm the only child and I don't have any siblings to help me, voluntarily or otherwise.

The most sobering thing is realizing that nearly HALF of all caregivers die before their loved ones do, because the stress and anger become too much to handle. This is why I need to take the more challenging route, and turn that anger into Something Else, and do as much as I can, as soon as I can.

Halfway through this daily blog documenting my Odyssey, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, and it's not a freight train coming at me. I have gotten this far on this part of the journey, and every step I take brings me closer to the Payoff, literally. I see myself in a completely different place by the time this year of blogging ends, and Believing that This Will Come to Pass keeps me going. It has to, right now.

It was a decent day, rain notwithstanding, with cleaning up in the kitchen and laughing at the cats and paying off about half of the electric bill. Himself and I also managed to indulge in our monthly dinner treat at our favorite Vietnamese restaurant. It was good to fill up the belly before heading down to our meetings in San Diego this evening.

The next few days will be played by ear as well. I will see if I can finally bring myself to scratch a few things off of the eternal to-do list. Just for Today, I take one step forward, if nothing else.

On *100* Days of Blogging!

I'm pleasantly surprised that I've arrived at one hundred days of blogging. There have been days when I didn't want to sit and blog, and days when I didn't think I would to be able to squeeze a blog post in, but I have persevered through it all, and have typed out at least a handful of words for every day since I started. Yay me. :)

I'm also surprised that I still have actual readers of this blog, day in and day out. I don't think I intended it to be a faithful report of The Daily Grind, but I didn't want to sugarcoat my Caregiving journey. I didn't want to come in on a given day and say "All Is Well" when all actually and totally sucked huge moldy cheese balls. Having said that, I can only hope that my Odyssey thus far hasn't sounded like one huge and never-ending pity party.

Although I long suspected that I would wind up taking care of my mother in her dotage, I did not anticipate that my actual initiation into the World of Caregiving was going to be through my Husband's cancer experience, nor did I think I would have to "switch gears" from looking after Himself to looking after the Queen Mother so quickly. Whereas Caregiving for him was more like a sprint, especially in comparison, Caregiving for her is shaping up to be an epic Ultra-Marathon. My grandmother (my mom's mom) lived until she was 95; although no one expects the Queen Mother to live that long, that possibility IS on the table (and I would be 65 at that point). Only Goddess knows how much longer the Queen Mother will be extant on this side of the equation, and She hasn't given me any clues as to when mom will be shuffling off her mortal coil. (Both of us have asked, believe me!)

The Uncertainty has been one of my greatest challenges - on the one hand, I have been absolutely convinced that I am Not At All suited to be a Caregiver, and that I'm throwing the best years of my life away. On the other hand, I am certain that I can and will get through this, and that this will inform and deepen my life in ways I have yet to understand. Slowly I move more toward the latter view and away from the former view. I am definitely in this for the long haul. Now the question is, how do I navigate this: with a modicum of grace, or kicking and screaming the whole way through? Kicking and Screaming, I have found, has simply flooded my system with cortisol and sent me down the rabbit hole of Depression more times than I can count. I'm changing gears and trying out Grace for a while; so far, it's working a lot better. :)

I had planned on writing lovely lyrical philosophical things, and reports of marvelous miracles, when I started this blog. Those entries have been few and far between, but perhaps I needed to haul myself out of the muck of Despair first before I could be that clear channel of wonderful words. I wlll say that Blogging on the Daily has been a strong lifeline, along with my renewed commitment to my Morning Pages. I also believe there has been a change of tone from the first day until now. Perhaps it's been subtle, perhaps fleeting, but I do seem to be bouncing back a wee bit quicker from Life's curveballs so far in 2019. I can only hope the momentum continues forward.

As for this day itself - I talked myself into going to my usual Sunday Support Group, and was glad I did. There is a labyrinth being built at the church we meet at, and I will definitely be walking it when it's ready. I took a picture of it for my Daily Story on Messenger. After we were done, we made a quick stop at Wal-Mart, then arrived home in plenty of time for getting the Queen Mother's dinner ready. I ate the rest of my Mock Chili, along with a green salad, for my dinner. I also put some procrastination to bed as I gathered together the latest stack of papers and sorted everything out. The paper trail is never-ending, and at least half of it goes into recycling. I am pretty ready for the new week, though; I just need to look at my weekly to-do list out and update it.

Looking very much forward to starting a new week with a bit of enthusiasm to Get Stuff Done, and do some necessary legwork. With the first of several days' worth of rain starting tomorrow, it will be a very good day to "work from home," if you will. :) 

Day 60: on consistency

I'm noting today is the 60th day that I have written something on this blog, and that I haven't missed one single solitary day! This is significant because doing something consistently, day in and day out, has been a challenge, at times, on this odyssey of mine. This blog is a thread of possibility, a Yes I Can item for myself that I can build upon.

As an example: I had restarted a practice to keep my energy clear. I was doing well, until it was time for my Moonflow. Since it has come and gone, I haven't been able to get back into that practice. What I need to do is figure out how best to practice while menstruating, so that it just doesn't drop off and I lose the momentum I had built up. I'm good with it on one level, but super frustrated on another level.

On a related note: I still haven't done the two things I assigned myself to do at the start of the week: tidy up the kitchen and complete + turn in the Queen Mother's Medi-Cal paperwork. Today felt like an "off" day for much of the day; I wound up grocery shopping today because I didn't want to do it in the rain. (Did some of that last week. Not radically fun.) It turns out that the forms for the re-evaluation of the Queen Mother's CalFresh (food stamps) arrived in the mail this evening, so now I don't feel so bad. Tomorrow I can take care of ALL the paperwork in one fell swoop, and leave the kitchen for the rainy times coming up.

That's what my rational mind says, yet there's a part of me that's listening to the whispers of the Comparison Monster in my head, that insists I should have been able to do what I needed to do by now, and pick up where I had left off with my energetic + spiritual work, and why can't I summon up the wherewithal to get things done? Furthermore, what good is a schedule going to be if I can't stick to it for more than a week? The Stinking Thinking can and will get out of hand if I let it.

Part of my response is that I'm really very Tired, and this bone-deep Tired gets in the way sometimes. It's not as bad as it was, true, but I don't see it going away anytime soon, not without a week completely AWAY from the whole idea of caregiving. Part of my response it to give myself a break...much of the time, I have to be a one-woman show, and as long as I don't miss any important deadlines, I'm doing just fine. Even if I do miss a deadline here and there, the world isn't going to come to a screeching halt. Part of my response is that I am improving, and as long as I continue to improve (and sneak in a little REST here and there), I will return to a place where I can "get things done," and stick with routines, on a more consistent basis.

With that, I shall return to the blog, and note with satisfacttion: 60 consecutive days. One-sixth of this journey. Yay me. Perhaps, today, that will be Enough. :)

Day 30: on appreciating the "little things"

With the switch back to (Pacific) Standard Time, we received the gift of a "25 hour" day. Though I appreciated the extra hour of sleep, the day got off to a bit of a rocky start, with the Queen Mother freaking out over the fact that we were temporarily out of cat food. The irony is, she didn't want to be adopted by the cats (yes, that's how it happened), but now she seems more invested in them than I am at times. I had to remind myself: it's not my mother, it's her dementia. At any rate, I showered, dressed, then went to get the cat food. When I returned home, I delberately slowed down and brewed myself a cup of tea to Reset my morning. There is nothing like a good cup of one's favorite morning beverage (looking at all of my coffee-loving peeps), enjoyed Slowly and Mindfully, to get one's day (re)started right.

In my case, it "sorta" worked...there was a bit of miscommunication between Himself and me in the early afternoon, which fouled up my mood until I returned to my mandala and colored some more of it in. When he had finished his errands, then we went grocery shopping, and came back to have dinner before moving into the evening.

There was a meeting that I wanted to attend tonight, which I did, pushing through my resistance. It wound up having a very good vibe, and I'm grateful for finding a new outlet of support. On the way home, we noticed that the fog was rolling in significantly on the coast, the first real fog of the cooler weather. The fog didn't lift until we were about halfway home.

I am taking a moment now to pat myself on the back for blogging consistently for an entire month - Yay Me! I know that I have reconnected with my Morning Pages through blogging; I'm writing in the Pages with more consistency than I have in the recent past. I also know that writing here and in the Pages led me to the idea of Going Small, and that is beginning to produce some dividends in my life. :)

One thing I didn't manage to do was start on the paperwork for Medi-Cal or Cal-Works. I gave it the old college try, but my mind went into vapor-lock within about five minutes, and I chose not to try to push through. Monday is a fresh start, and is mostly empty, so I will try again then. As is said in Recovery, Easy Does It.

Day 8: on feeling satisfied

First, I am congratulating myself on making it a week with blogging; more, to set up my blog on my little tablet, which I can use to make entries while the TV is on in the other room - and I don't have to feel distracted or upset or whatever.

Second, I'm also satisfied that I got some housework done today: the laundry is done, the kitchen is cleared of recycling and trash, and the dishes are in the dishwasher, which I will start once I finish this entry. It hasn't always been easy to find or generate enough motivation to work on the house, and put things (back) in order, and sometimes it's really super challenging to bust out of the Stinking Thinking and see a task through to completion. Today, order prevailed, for once I can actually GET started, momentum will carry me through to the end.

Today was a calm Autumn day, with rain in the morning and cool breezes in the afternoon. Typical of Southern California, though, a Santa Ana is supposed to be set up by the start of the week. Basically, hot dry desert winds blow in from the north and east, warming everything up and making it feel more like Summer, minus the humidity. I am one of those "weird" people who actually enjoy the heat, so I will be quite satisfied with the weather for my birthday next week.

I also had a good day with the Queen Mother. With Himself out taking care of his business today, mom was able to relax a bit more than usual, sine Himself usually watches "too much" TV, and has the house "too cold" for her to be comfortable. She mentioned lasrt week she wanted to eat a TV dinner, so I found a Hungry Man dinner for her. Yes there are leftovers, but she seemed to enjoy it well enough. After talking about the dinner, I made a note to look for some of the Stouffers dinners she "used to eat all the time." I wonder if she will remember what dhe used to like and not likem or if she'll simply eat what I put down in front of her.

It feels good to conclude here. We shall see what tomorrow brings...