mystery spot

Here's another one of those damn curveballs Life is infamous for throwing at us...

Himself's oncology follow up brought some unexpected news: there is a "mystery spot" next to his liver that was found on the latest CT scan. It's about an inch in diameter and wasn't present three months ago. It's not a coincidence that Himself hasn't been able to have his CBD oil consistently over these past three months, thanks to our ongoing financial challenges. From that persepective, it's not a total surprise that something would come up.

I guess it wasn't alarming enough in and of itself to call about, but I would have appreciated a heads-up about the spot, and I'm willing to bet Himself would have as well.

The immediate course of action is to have a PET scan, which is scheduled for tomorrow, to see how significantly said mystery spot is glowing. (The brighter the glow, the more likely it's cancerous.) Then there will be a discussion about those results this Thursday, followed most likely by a biopsy. Treatment options, if needed, will be discussed after that.

Hellfire and damnation.

Though Himself is understandably unsettled by the prospect of more cancer and more treatment, that's not my top concern. My concern is returning to the role of caring for two people at the same time, with very little, if any, available help.

The Queen Mother is not the same as she was in 2016. Her body has definitely picked up the pace to catch up with her mind. True, she's not nose-diving into the ground, but she has not been the same since her dual appointments at the start of this month. This past Friday she went to bed super early, claiming not to be hungry and declining dinner, which just about triggered a full blown panic attack in me. She turned out to be fine - even getting up at midnight to take out her dentures - and is back to complaining about silly things, but I am very much aware that she is going to need Supervision sooner rather than later. She's also continuing to drop words and finding it harder to keep track of conversations, so her mind continues to lead the way Homeward.

I am trying to take each day as it comes and not "future trip," as a good friend of mine put it. My first priority is to stay Sane. I will work on Positivity later. For the record, the cats are taking turns in snoozing on me/beside me. (Inkblot is snoring beside me as I type this.) I would have lost it long ago if it hadn't been for their presence in my life.

Will return later with an update, when I have it. Prayers appreciated in the meantime. 

Day 250: on still dealing with life

I knew today was going to be busy, but not quite as crazy as this...!

I helped the Queen Mother get dressed and served her breakfast, then Himself and I went to a local restaurant, Pegah's, for our breakfast. Before we left, we got a phone call from Petsmart: the cats were not just unhappy, but they have apparently gone on a full hunger strike! Their in-house vet took a look at them (at no charge to us, fortunately), and determined they weren't constipated or in significant physical distress. Still, they wanted to know if we wanted to administer subcutaneous fluids. I advised them we would be in touch.

After we finished with breakfast, we chose to go over to Petsmart ourselves and inquire after the cats. It turns out the situation was not as serious as we had been led to believe, but they were still not happy campers. We spent some quality time with them, calming them down as best we could, though they both turned up their noses at the special "highly palatable" food we had been given to see if they would eat. Inkblot even started eyeing the door handle as though he was calculating how high to jump to grasp it just enough to yank it down and open the door! I went in to Petsmart wearing a black top; I emerged with it almost white due to shed cat fur. ;)

Though we were beginning to consider leaving the motel early and just going home as soon as the fumigation was complete, the vet confirmed our belief that one extra day would be much better for them, as their respiratory systems are much more sensitive than ours. So until Friday morning they will stay, and then we will take them over to Mohnacky Animal Hospital for evaluation. Once we explained our situation to them, they were gracious enough to offer to examine them for free.

We checked in quickly with the Queen Mother, then headed down to the VA Medical Center. Himself rescheduled his eye appointment one more time, to a day next week when we will be at the VA anyway. We did manage to renew some of his medications at the Pharmacy. Then we stopped at a dispensary to pick up some CBD oil to keep those nasty little gastro-intestinal polyps at bay. Finally there were stops at Trader Joe's for the Queen Mother's dinner, and Carl's Jr. for our dinners. I have become a big fan of their Beyond Star veggie burger; I'm also waiting to sink my teeth into an Impossible Whopper when it's introduced in San Diego County. (It's just been introduced in San Francisco.)

I prepared dinner for the Queen Mother, then ate my dinner with her. She said she had "gotten bored with reading" and looked through her suitcase in the other room, pulling out a few things that she had not been using. I have been helping her work the remote so she can watch TV (she's currently watching a Blue Bloods marathon, as she loves most cop shows), and I have been resting in the bedroom. Although she wants to go home badly, she wants to take the motel toilet and shower with her, since she likes them better. ;)

Tonight I'm going to add up our receipts so far to see how much money we really have left. Tomorrow I might actually get a full day of relaxing in! We shall see...

Day 216: on giving myself a break

As we had no appointments, nor significant commitments, on the calendar for the next few days, I declared the immediate future to be a time of Resting and Slow Moving. Today my big accomplishment was going through the mail that had build up over the last few days.

Himself's big accomplishment was making some phone calls, mainly to family and close friends. He also took it easy. His energy was up and down throughout the day, but he has improved overall, feeling significantly better than he has felt over these past few days.

The cats were quite pleased to have me at home (for the most part) today, though Himself was happy to accompany me on a couple of errands that I had to run in the afternoon. It has been raining off and on this week - more like a heavy mist much of the time, with the most significant rain forecast for tomorrow and Saturday, so the cats have been inclined to stay inside a bit more than usual for this time of year. (Rain in May is something of a novelty in my neck of the woods.)

While writing in the Morning Pages today, I realized how Overwhelmed I was feeling. Both Himself and I are going to be investigating some avenues that might get us some extra help, because I definitely need it, at least for the short term. In the meantime, our weekly Friday night meetings are coming up, and Himself has a chiropractic appointment tomorrow. I will be going along to clarify if there are any changes that need to be taken into account with Himself's Cardiac Adventure.

The crisis has passed, and now we adjust to the New Normal. I won't get all saccharine and trite after this latest chapter, but I will advise this: Stay On Top of Your Health. That is our biggest and best asset to have as we navigate through Life.

Day 201: on depression's lessons

There comes a point during each Moontime when I "rise back to the surface," and no longer feel like I'm swimming in the depths. Today was that point.

Every month when I bleed, emotions that are usually hidden under layers of psyche become more easily accessible. This isn't always a pleasant thing. The last few days have shown me what my Depression is most preoccupied with: the idea that Nothing Will Ever Change, and that I Am Stuck (in poverty and in the shadow of my mother and my husband) Forever - more, that I have become "Too Negative" to shift my circumstances. 

Thank you for your concern, Depression.

I managed to get a bit of tidying up done, including sweeping the kitchen floor, before my back started wanting to go out, so I needed to ease back on the throttle and take it a little easier. In the meantime, the toilet in the master bathroom decided to overflow, and I needed to help Himself the best that I could in cleaning up the mess. (Thanks to a friend's generosity, he is getting some bleach to finish said cleaning.) At one point, though, I could feel my mind wanting to "lock up" in Overwhelm. These episodes don't happen that often, but when they do, they are debilitating.

My challenge right now seems to be what will best occupy my mind, and distract my Depression, for however long it takes to receive the funds that have been promised to come our way. At this point, I am considering all options.

Day 154: on new medical adventures

I had a new curveball thrown my way today - not regarding Himself, the Queen Mother, or me. Today was Inkblot the cat's turn. :p

I noticed yesterday morning that he wasn't putting any weight on his right foreleg, so I felt his leg, but didn't feel anything broken. I thought I saw one owie on the upper foreleg, so I took a wait and see attitude. He was still cleaning his plate at mealtime, and still using the litterbox without an issue. Today he was much more sluggish, sleeping most of the day, feeling warmer than usual to the touch, and the upper part of his leg was swelling up. Not good signs. :(

Himself stepped up to the plate, as my mind totally locked up over this latest development. He made phone calls, looked at websites, and did the legwork; as a result, we found a vet clinic just down the street from where we live (and we have driven by their office many times), right next door to an organization called Helping Paws. They provide financial assistance to active military members, veterans, and their families. After speaking with them, they said they were willing to cover whatever costs we incurred. I am tremendously grateful both to them, and to Himself, who found them when I was struck dumb by Overwhelm.

Now to our "overachiever"...one owie wasn't good enough for him. He had multiple puncture wounds along his leg, a few of them deep enough to require draining, so he has a drain in place, and is wearing the Cone of Shame for the second time in his life. We came home with antibiotics and pain meds; now the trick will be to get him to ingest them, willingly or no! (Perhaps if they are chicken or tuna flavored?) If we didn't have financial assistance, the total cost was still a fraction of what we would have paid at our former vet clinic. In addition, this clinic has a membership which allows for free exams and vaccinations. Guess what we're signing up for, once we have the means?

We will be taking him back tomorrow to make sure his fever has gone down, and then again on Monday to get his drain removed. The Cone of Shame stays on for two weeks. 

If Himself is correct, his VA attorney has filed their argument on his behalf, along with their demand letter, with the Board of Veteran's Affairs this week. They are expecting a response by the end of this month/the start of April. PLEASE pray that this comes to pass!

Day 125: on the clouds returning

I'm not sure what set me off - if it was my "inability" to get going quick enough, or the Queen Mother's desire to postpone the trip to the Social Security office until tomorrow, or the fact that I finally got the proper paperwork filled out to request mom's medical records today, and sent it all off today, or the idea that I wouldn't find what I was looking for in these records, or a combination of all of these - whatever it was, I became overwhelmed by the idea of jumping through this set of hoops, and I wound up having a panic attack over it all.

*Le Sigh*

Then there was the need to get money out of my account at the credit union, and the fact that there won't be enough money to cover one of my bills (so I will have to see if I can negotiate something), and the realization that I will need to play "musical bills" for a month or two, in that These Bills get paid this month, and Those Bills will be paid next month, and I have no idea about when I'm going to get to the ones sulking in the corner...

Again, *Le Sigh*

Yet we have an update: all indications are pointing to Late March/Early April for news as to what ALL the decisions for Himself's outstanding cases will be, if not actual payment at that point. Making it to that point, by hook or by crook - aye, there's the rub! Then there is also the question, what happens if this latest "due date" gets delayed Yet Again? Can I stand yet more disappointment? I'm beyond ready for this uncertainty to be over and done with. Period.

At least I made it to my Caregiver Support Group tonight. I was able to vent, I will be receiving information about getting a definitve diagnosis for the Queen Mother next meeting, and I was assured that things could be Far Worse than they are now. Praying for some of my affected siblings tonight!

So tomorrow I try again to get all the balls rolling in the same direction. Once more unto the breach, as the Bard said.

And Once More, *Le Sigh* :p

Day 112: on gathering more red tape

Today's information gathering excursion turned out to be a monumental waste of time. The Durable Power of Attorney that I have for the Queen Mother greases many wheels, but not all of them. I could not get the information I wanted from Social Security or the DMV, because they need to talk to the Queen Mother herself.

I can understand the reasoning why, because there are supremely dishonest people in the world, but when I'm just trying to validate basic information, and I'm told, "No, we need to speak with your mother personally," especially after the whirlwind week I've had, I was beyond frustrated. I couldn't even talk with her doctor's office, but that was because my phone kept cutting out while we were making our way home. :p

I'm trying to see if she was certified as Disabled before she began taking Social Security. I want to say she was, because I remember that she had disabled license plates on her car when I learned how to drive, back in 1998 (which is a story in itself; saving it for later), and she began to take Social Security when she opted for early retirement in 2004. Can I get anyone to agree with me? Not at the moment! (grrr...)

Somewhere along the line today, to provide a distraction for my short temper, either I dropped something on my foot or ran my foot into something, because the toenail on the second toe of my left foot looks more gnarly than usual, and feels horrid in a close-toed shoe. This toenail has been gnarly looking since college, nearly 20 years ago, but tonight it looks really bad, and seems to be about ready to fall off altogether. I'm keeping it in place for as long as I can, because I really don't want to bleed all over the house, so I have a bandaid on that toe for the moment. We'll see what happens. (It looks and sounds nastier than it actually is, trust me!)

I'm going to shelve the Epic Medi-Cal Quest till Monday, because I am totally over it right now, and I'm going to focus on more pleasant things this weekend. Hopefully I will be able to score some sort of outdoor time, because there's a mild Santa Ana this weekend, and everything is warming up nicely, in between the rainstorms. Come Monday I should be recharged enough to mount back up and return to tilting at the windmills; that's what it's felt like at times!

Day 95: on feeling like a fool

Today did not go as expected.

Yes, I cleared up the paperwork I wanted to, turning a huge pile into a bag filled with essentials. Yes, I made the phone call earlier today - and that's where everything went sideways.

We have been looking for supplemental insurance for the Queen Mother that will get her back under the "Federal Poverty" line. I was given an amount that we had to cover. I have been thinking that I take this amount, divide it by twelve, and find a policy to cover each smallish portion per month. I was advised today that I had to cover the original amount each month to get her back under the line. This is why I feel like a fool, because I have been operating under this misunderstanding since November. Realizing that I made a mistake has been the most excruciating part of the whole day, and I'm not in a space right now to bounce back from this easily. Once again, ye olde ego has taken a pounding.

So I have to make a few more phone calls than I initally intended. So there is the possibility that I won't find what I'm looking for, and I will have to admit defeat, and quit being the Queen Mother's paid Provider. (I would still be looking after her, but I just wouldn't be paid to do it.) That's probably also part of what's eating at me, that there might not be a "payoff" to all of my hard work.

I step back into "Appointment Week" tomorrow - and I also start bleeding in earnest tomorrow. Oh what fun. :p

Day 65: on being at my wits' end

Today I thought was going to receive an infusion of hope, but I wound up getting punched in the Shadow gut. I came hope from a formerly safe space feeling like a leper. All of my Stinking Thinking was turned up full blast. I was bawling for a couple of hours. I'm better now, but still emotionally very sore.

I took down the GoFundMe and deleted all mention of it off of my Facebook. I feel like those who could pitch in with support already have, and to keep it up was simply exacerbating the shame I've been feeling.

Honestly, I don't know where to go from here, except possibly into bankruptcy, and if that happens, I'm pretty sure we can kiss any and all money coming our way goodbye. At the rate things ar going in DC, though, we could conceivably be in and out of bankruptcy before Himself's attorneys get anything from the VA. Go figure.

I'm beyond tired this evening, hoping a good night's sleep can provide some answers. Yes, tomorrow is a new day, but a new day of what? The same old (ahem) stuff?

I have no answers or witty ending comments this evening. Peace Out, peeps.

Day 29: on chasing the money

So let me back up a step...we didn't make it to the seminar yesterday. There is something ironic in not being able to make an event called "The Economics of Caregiving" because of economic hardship; specifically, not having enough gas to make it to San Diego and back twice in one day. The immediate problem has been solved, thanks to some well-timed generosity, but the overall problem remains: too many bills + needs, and not enough money to pay for everything.

It's interestihg that I can talk at length about my mental health, but that I have felt blocked from sharing that much about my financial health. This is what I have been processing over the past two days. I have found where I have been Shamed into Silence around money, and I have been working around deconstructing that Shame, and letting it go.

Our primary issue is this: we know there is a decent amount of money coming; we just don't know WHEN it's coming, and those horizons seem to get reset further and further out, just when we think relief is around the corner. Suffice it to say that the main issue - and main windfall - hinges upon the Veteran's Administration acknowledging that Himself has carpal-tunnel in both of his arms and hands. Currently, they acknowledge it in his right hand, but not in his left...and he is left-handed! The sad/frustrating part is, he's been fighting this for 25 years, and has yet to get it corrected. Now add to this some bureaucratic shenanigans the state of California is pulling in regards to the Queen Mother, as to whether or not she falls below the Federal Poverty Line, and you can see why I'm about ready to pull my hair out.

As nuch as I would like to go back to work, I can't right now, not with mom steadily declining. Bankruptcy is our absolute last option, because if we go that route, it's all but certain we won't see dime one of any money. So we flounder, and scramble, and pray a lot.

Mom's Medi-Cal is up for renewal in December, so we have that paperwork to review. I have started the process - and unfortunately, it is a process - to get reimbursed for the paycheck that was deducted from me due to the despised Share of Cost, while hoping that I won't have any more paychecks deducted. I'm also getting a GoFundMe set up, and I'm going to see if I can get on the state's dole for (hopefully) a few months. They call it Cal-Works, but let's call it what is really is: welfare. Himself, in the meantime, is readying his demand letter in his Personal Injury case to send off. If we're lucky, we might see that resolved by the end of the year. I'm no longer holding my breath.

I'm totally tired of it all - the scrambling, the setbacks, the disappointments, the insecurity, the jumping through hoops, the never-ending waiting. Still, we've come this far, and there is still a light at the end of the tunnel...and I have just enough room to step aside in case it's yet another freight train. Today, I have "enough." Today, I managed to stay home and rest, and ground myself in a few chores, and give myself a day off from worrying so much about money.  Tomorrow I can get back, just a little, into the grind.

Day 17: on the curse of the monkeywrench

Share of Cost.
This is the monkeywrench. These are the words I'm hating on right now.

The call to the electronic timesheet help desk led to a call to the IHSS office, where I was informed, very apologetically by the woman on the other end of the line, that the Share of Cost for the Queen Mother to receive IHSS assistance had eaten up my paycheck. More, it would eat up all subsequent paychecks, since this Share of Cost is slightly more than double what I receive per month to take care of the Queen Mother. The decision was made late last month - and by the way, I should receive notification of said decision this week.

I really needed this money, this week. I will challenge Medi-Cal's decision and do my damndest to rectify this, since nothing in our income has changed. I can even get my union involved if it comes to that. I see resolution...in a month. Maybe two months.

In the meantime, all of our carefully laid vacation plans are now Kaput.

Tomorrow I'm taking my paperwork to my local office, which is just on the other side of town. If I had tried to go today, I would very likely be in jail right now.  I was that upset. I'm still simmering.

In the middle of all this, the dentist finally fixed the Queen Mother's dentures to her satisfaction. I will delve more into this later. She's reasonably happy with them today; tomorrow might be another story. Regardless, we're returning to the dentist in a week to see if any further modifications are needed.

The MOMENT Himself gets money from his personal injuty case, I am taking my vacation. Until then, I shall be growling at a few mindless bureaucrats. Pray for them... 

Day 4: on balancing time commitments

Today was a more "typical" day for us, as far as the quality of our days go...

After we got up in the morning (and fed the cats), I helped the Queen Mother assemble her breakfast. I grabbed things out of the fridge and carried her bowl and tea mug to the dining room table, for mom is unstable on her feet and needs to hold on to her canes for balance. I got her chair ready to sit in and opened the curtains behind her so the sunlight could illuminate her dining area.

Once Queen Mother was squared away, Himself and I set about fixing our breakfasts and finishing the process of waking up. I got in a quick shower, and we set off to our "home away from home," aka the Veterans Administration Medical Center. Since his cancer diagnosis, we've had numerous trips down to the VAMC, so many that 1) I can put the car on autopilot to drive down there, and 2) I could find my way around inside the hospital blindfolded. Today there were a pair of routine appointments on the docket: a port access with bloodwork to be drawn for lab analysis (for his next oncology appointment on Thursday), and a follow up visit with the pain clinic to make sure his pain management was on track. We're trying to see if the VA will cover future chiropractic visits for him after his Personal Injury treatment is finished...and for those of you joining this journey who aren't in the know via Facebook, it's a story I will share at another time. We also got the written report of the CT scan he had this past Sunday (another piece of the Personal Injury puzzle), and stopped by the Neurology department to see if there is an appointment available before January 30th, 2019. That is to be determined, as he was told to expect a phone call sometime this week.

I go with Himself to his VAMC appointments to help him answer the questions his doctors ask him, since he has Traumatic Brain Injury, and is challenged with dates and times. I also go with him so we can take advantage of the carpool lane that runs in the center of I-15, which is a necessity coming home; otherwise, he would either be stuck in the Commuter traffic, which starts up somewhere between 3-4pm on weekdays, or he would have to pay a pretty penny to use the carpool lane during peak hours - which can get up to $9 one way - before it goes "HOV Only," meaning there must be at least one other passenger in the car if you want to use the carpool lane, no exceptions. We returned home just a bit after 4pm, and I switched back to helping the Queen Mother, this time getting her dinner assembled and carried out to the table.

My husband needs my support. My mother needs my support. Though Himself rarely complains about the situation, Queen Mother often tries to play the guilt card: talking about how "lonely" she is when I'm not there, or complaining about the house being a mess "because nobody is home to clean it up," among other things. To be fair, she feels challenged by her physical disabilities, more so as she gets older, and I suspect that there are times she gets jealous of Himself because she has to "share" me with him after my many years of being a Singleton. Some days I can let her complaints slide, and reassure her that I won't abandon her, and that I'm doing the best I can. Other days, I get short tempered and resentful, and I retreat to be alone in my room for a time, lest I unleash my anger upon her. It's a fine line to walk some days, and that's even before I consider where my energy levels are, and whether I need to support myself, and what I need to do to support myself.

Today wasn't a bad day in that regard; everyone got their needs met, and I'm satisfied overall. If I could string a few days like this together, it would help...but tomorrow might be different. Fortunately I have an opportunity to attend a Caregiver Support group tomorrow, so I'll check in after I get home and speak on that...or maybe I'll speak about something else. We shall see.

Day 3: on decluttering and downsizing

After I finished up yesterday's post, I returned to a project that has been ongoing for a while: decluttering the master bedroom in our home (where Himself and I sleep). One thing about depression is that there are times when I really don't want to Do Anything, so the bedroom got rather bad with clutter and mess. I've been cleaning it up by degrees, and got a lot of work done yesterday. The floor in front of our bed is visible again! and one can get to the side door now!

The Queen Mother and I moved into our current home just before New Year's, 2000. We went from a decent sized, 3 bedroom 2 bath home into a 2 bedroom, 2 bath condo just under 1000 square feet. We did a lot of downsizing then, and still left a lot behind. As time as gone on, more of the upkeep has shifted to my shoulders - and then our shoulders, when Himself joined us in the condo in 2013. Between his cancer adventure, Queen Mother's diminishing capacities, and my depression...well, things got chaotic. It didn't get Hoarder-level bad (though Queen Mother might disagree with that), but we are definitely planning to get some help with keeping up the condo once our financial situation improves. In the meantime, when the prospect of decluttering and reorganizing stuff doesn't seem too overwhelming - and sometimes it does, as I wonder if I'm ever going to get back on top of things when I'm in Stinking Thinking mode - I manage to carve out pockets of Order in the Chaos, one part of one room at a time.

I'm not alone in this.

At the start of the year, the Queen Mother had two brothers. The younger of the two brothers passed away last Sunday, on September 30th. (If you follow along on Facebook, you'll know this.) We went to visit my aunt/his widow today...and she has a monumental task in front of her. Their house was a bit larger than our original one, and they had three kids they raised and watched fly out of the nest. Decades of memories and items are still present there, and she needs to downsize radically in order to move into an Independent Living facility. Her room is slightly more than half the size of the condo we live in! We managed to take home a few things today, and we've called dibs on a few things we need to figure out how to transport home. She's a bit overwhelmed and slightly panicked at the enormity of the task, but she seems to be keeping her composure quite well. We've offered to help schlep stuff as needed.

As I type these words onto the screen, the sense of I'm Not Alone In This arises in my mind, and I can breathe just a little easier. If my aunt can summon up the gumption to whittle a lifetime down to Essentials, perhaps I can be inspired to sort through the things that have informed my life up to this point and get a little sleeker, and clutter-free. Wish me luck.