Day 29: on chasing the money

So let me back up a step...we didn't make it to the seminar yesterday. There is something ironic in not being able to make an event called "The Economics of Caregiving" because of economic hardship; specifically, not having enough gas to make it to San Diego and back twice in one day. The immediate problem has been solved, thanks to some well-timed generosity, but the overall problem remains: too many bills + needs, and not enough money to pay for everything.

It's interestihg that I can talk at length about my mental health, but that I have felt blocked from sharing that much about my financial health. This is what I have been processing over the past two days. I have found where I have been Shamed into Silence around money, and I have been working around deconstructing that Shame, and letting it go.

Our primary issue is this: we know there is a decent amount of money coming; we just don't know WHEN it's coming, and those horizons seem to get reset further and further out, just when we think relief is around the corner. Suffice it to say that the main issue - and main windfall - hinges upon the Veteran's Administration acknowledging that Himself has carpal-tunnel in both of his arms and hands. Currently, they acknowledge it in his right hand, but not in his left...and he is left-handed! The sad/frustrating part is, he's been fighting this for 25 years, and has yet to get it corrected. Now add to this some bureaucratic shenanigans the state of California is pulling in regards to the Queen Mother, as to whether or not she falls below the Federal Poverty Line, and you can see why I'm about ready to pull my hair out.

As nuch as I would like to go back to work, I can't right now, not with mom steadily declining. Bankruptcy is our absolute last option, because if we go that route, it's all but certain we won't see dime one of any money. So we flounder, and scramble, and pray a lot.

Mom's Medi-Cal is up for renewal in December, so we have that paperwork to review. I have started the process - and unfortunately, it is a process - to get reimbursed for the paycheck that was deducted from me due to the despised Share of Cost, while hoping that I won't have any more paychecks deducted. I'm also getting a GoFundMe set up, and I'm going to see if I can get on the state's dole for (hopefully) a few months. They call it Cal-Works, but let's call it what is really is: welfare. Himself, in the meantime, is readying his demand letter in his Personal Injury case to send off. If we're lucky, we might see that resolved by the end of the year. I'm no longer holding my breath.

I'm totally tired of it all - the scrambling, the setbacks, the disappointments, the insecurity, the jumping through hoops, the never-ending waiting. Still, we've come this far, and there is still a light at the end of the tunnel...and I have just enough room to step aside in case it's yet another freight train. Today, I have "enough." Today, I managed to stay home and rest, and ground myself in a few chores, and give myself a day off from worrying so much about money.  Tomorrow I can get back, just a little, into the grind.