Day 207: on a calm tuesday

The skies were actually just as cloudy today, and it rained a little in the morning. I did, however, sort through the mail that had arrived over the past few days (something I am getting better at), get a bill paid to get us back to current status, help the Queen Mother with her weekly-ish shower, and get the dishes re-sorted and washed in the dishwasher.

There are a few differences between the old dishwasher and the new: more room up top, a little less room down below, with a bigger rack for the silverware. I had to get a bit creative with dish arranging, and will probably have to wash dishes a bit more often, though that's not a bad thing at all.

I also got back on track with my walking and my intermittent fasting today. I am finding that it's becoming easier for me to pick up where I left off, rather than quit entirely and blame myself for not being "consistent" enough in my practices. Perhaps this daily blogging practice is starting to pay off.

I am also receiving another Infusion of Grace: I am Accepting Life, Taking Action, and Not Sweating the Small Stuff (near as much). I'm not entirely sure what the exact dynamic behind this is, but I'm not sneezing on it either!

Laundry day tomorrow, along with some good Moodling. Looking forward to seeing what loose ends I can tie off.

Day 206: on a marvelous monday

It rained off and on today, but that didn't stop me from enjoying a day out with an errand here and a commitment there. An actual April shower - who'da thunk it? ;)

I got a nice bonus today when I found a bigger total in my account than had been there yesterday. Seems my State Tax refund was direct deposited. Now to see when the Federal one might arrive. I was able to pick up a few other things besides chicken for the Queen Mother.

I was totally pleased to find a big jar of mixed nuts on our latest, and hopefully LAST, pantry visit. I have been looking for a healthy snack that I could indulge in on my own, and this will definitely do the trick. 

We would have gone to the peace vigil this evening, but we had a commitment we had made weeks before the insanity unfolded a few days ago. I honored that commitment, and Himself came along in support. Things unfolded rather nicely. We stopped off at the ocean afterwards for a few minutes, inhaling the salty air and doing a bit of stargazing. The skies were busy tonight, as we tracked airplane lights moving toward, and away from, San Diego proper.

We had to make a pit stop at a Hampton Inn. I had booked a stay there when we thought we were going to be fumigated in November, but cancelled it when the fumigation was postponed. We received word over the weekend that the fumigation is back on for mid-June, and I wanted to confirm that they would still accept the cats, and for how much. (Yes and not for much at all.) If the timing works out with the VA settlement money, we could go directly from fumigation into condo renovation, and I have the temporary accomodations worked out.

The skies look to be a bit clearer tomorrow, and it looks like I will have the time to tend to some domestic business. Looking forward to a productive day. :)

Day 205: on a nourishing sunday

My idea to switch off yesterday was interrupted, initially by participating in my monthly conference call, then by wanting to inform everyone that we were okay, and finally a reluctance to switch off again. I wasn't looking for drama; I just wanted to connect and feel connected. That's partly why I went with Himself to his regular Saturday night meeting, so I could converse with adults without cognitive issues!

I chose to switch off today, and I have been much more successful. I switched my phone on briefly this morning, and my tablet just now, but everything has been OFF in between, which has allowed me to read, and begin to color two mandalas. I keep getting stuck on the one mandala and found I could switch to the other one.

The weather was cool and breezy today, with gathering clouds. Earlier this evening it started to sprinkle. There's also the possibility of rain falling tomorrow, so I might carry my easy feeling over for another day or two.

I'm feeling okay. Money is good at the moment. We're all feeling good at the moment as well. We shall see what tomorrow brings.

Day 204: on reassuring...

I said that I would be mainly offline today, but I wanted to hop on and reassure everyone - We Are Okay.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about: there was a shooting at a synagogue in Poway, which is not terribly far down the road from us. We were not attending the service. We're fine.

Work with and through your Shadows! That is all the more I can say at the moment.

Day 203: on rebounding

It turns out Himself's stepmother didn't have our complete mailing address on the first attempt, but had it for the third attempt. We received the letter we've been waiting for, and the enclosed funds will see us through the end of the month. Huzzah.

Before it arrived, I was trying to explain why I had not filed a second appeal in the never-ending bureaucratic Quest, and I found myself edging into a full-blown pity party. I was rearing back to beat myself up yet again for "not following proper protocol in leaving no stone unturned," when it occurred to me: the Average Person would not have foreseen these delays happening. The Average Person would have expected the situation to be resolved by now. Ergo: I'm not actually Superwoman, nor am I Omniscient...I'm just an Average Person! Should I be relieved? ;)

We were able to make our meetings this evening, for we were able to fill up the gas tank. Tomorrow we will be able to buy some things we thought we would have to wait until the beginning of the month to get. Tomorrow I am also going to be mainly switched off, after an early morning conference call. I'm looking forward to the downtime after what has been a more intense than usual week.

We have some breathing room now. Huzzah.

Day 202: on improving further

I had a productive time writing in my Morning Pages. The question I posed was, "What can I do to occupy my mind in this time of Limbo?" The answer seemed at first to be a cliche - Chop Wood, Carry Water - but it spoke to staying more centered in the Present, taking care of my business (trash, recycling, decluttering), and taking care of myself (eating and moving with Intent and Purpose).

This answer might seem obvious, and it is rather obvious in truth, but when Catastrophizing and Apocalyptic Thinking have become second nature, sometimes I need an Obvious Answer to remind me of how best to proceed, and what I need to let go of.

I put my insight into action, taking care of the trash and the recycling. I started in on it yesterday, and will finish it off tomorrow, as I have been letting it slide a little between appointments and bouts of Depression. Himself helped out by running the vacuum. We also aired out the bedroom and the master bathroom; now it no longer stinks of bleach.

We have a few days to go until the end of the month, but I have a few small tricks up my sleeve, so everyone should stay fed and happy until the next month begins, and the monthly pensions arrive.

In the meantime, I have to re-submit my request to the DMV. I received it in the mail today, and the section I thought was an "either/or" is actually a "both/and." So there will be another delay in processing, another delay in getting the Queen Mother off of Income-base Medi-Cal, and another delay in getting my pay. Par for the course at this point! (optional: insert eyeball roll here)

Meanwhile, life goes on, and I will do my best to go with it.

Day 201: on depression's lessons

There comes a point during each Moontime when I "rise back to the surface," and no longer feel like I'm swimming in the depths. Today was that point.

Every month when I bleed, emotions that are usually hidden under layers of psyche become more easily accessible. This isn't always a pleasant thing. The last few days have shown me what my Depression is most preoccupied with: the idea that Nothing Will Ever Change, and that I Am Stuck (in poverty and in the shadow of my mother and my husband) Forever - more, that I have become "Too Negative" to shift my circumstances. 

Thank you for your concern, Depression.

I managed to get a bit of tidying up done, including sweeping the kitchen floor, before my back started wanting to go out, so I needed to ease back on the throttle and take it a little easier. In the meantime, the toilet in the master bathroom decided to overflow, and I needed to help Himself the best that I could in cleaning up the mess. (Thanks to a friend's generosity, he is getting some bleach to finish said cleaning.) At one point, though, I could feel my mind wanting to "lock up" in Overwhelm. These episodes don't happen that often, but when they do, they are debilitating.

My challenge right now seems to be what will best occupy my mind, and distract my Depression, for however long it takes to receive the funds that have been promised to come our way. At this point, I am considering all options.

On *200* Days of Blogging!!

Blogging a little earlier than usual today, since I needed to send a note on behalf of the Queen Mother to one of her friends, who is having a birthday.

I am taking a moment to acknowledge that I have been keeping at this blog every day for 200 days straight! Whenever anything else falters in my life, I can at least look at this and say, "I'm meeting this challenge at least!" and I can take a little comfort in that.

Yesterday I was running on fumes. Interaction with anyone was totally excruciating, as I just wanted to be Left Alone so I could REST! I haven't felt that Introverted in a long time, perhaps ever. It points out just how tired I really am, and how much I am in need of some Quality Respite time. I have a plan ready to go; I just need some cashola to execute it!

Himself stepped up fabulously yesterday...he supervised the installation of the new dishwasher, and did two loads of dishes, unloading the first before putting in the second load. I even let him load up the dishwasher without rearranging everything afterwards - that's how Heavy I felt yesterday. As for where he put everything once it was all dry, that I need to work on. ;)

Today he is at the chiropractor as a patient through the VA, instead of being treated for an injury. He had to fill out some paperwork to switch over, and that gave the Queen Mother time to shower. (She prefers to shower when he's not around, when possible.)

I'm back to "Scrambling While I Wait for Money" mode, and that's not a whole lot of fun. The money that Himself's stepmother sent is playing hell to get here: the first check was lost in the mail, then the wire transfer was sent back by our credit union because there was no NAME specified in the transfer! Now a second check is supposedly making its way to us - by regular snail mail, again. Himself half-jokingly said the VA might give him money before that check arrives! 

Speaking of: his case has been assigned to a judge at the Board of Veteran's Appeals for review. All possible body parts remain crossed for a quick resolution in our favor.

Also: I am still waiting for any sort of document from the DMV as to when the Queen Mother was first certified as Disabled. If it winds up showing nothing, we will have to wait until we have more money to do a more in-depth investigation. I want to get her on that Working Disabled program so I can get PAID and not have to worry about the stupid Share of Cost for her Medi-Cal!

They say it is darkest before the dawn...and it's still looking rather dark around here, new dishwasher notwithstanding. Hoping the new days dawns Soon.

Day 199: on curling tight in the shell

I was pretty well useless today. The new dishwasher finally arrived and was installed. I managed to get some of the dishes out of the way, but that was about it. I have a new best friend in a little heating pad that helped my wombspace unclench. All I wanted was to be Left Alone by Everyone. It's been a while since I've felt this introverted and flat out BLAH.

Himself stepped up once again, keeping an eye on the installation process, then running the new dishwasher twice to clean up the dirty dishes. He even put the first load of dishes away. Of course, I will rearrange all of the dishes he put away, because Virgo Moons like things arranged Just So. ;)

Today has been a day of Instagram Cats and naps. Tomorrow might follow suit. I'm actively bleeding right now, and not feeling particularly perky or sociable at the moment.

Day 198: on a red moon rising

My Moonflow is starting a week earlier than I expected, part of the fun of Peri-Menopause, so this will be a bit shorter than I had planned.

Happy to have made it to our support group. Managed to get some evening business done. Things felt a bit Heavy at times today, but that was explained when I found the early Flow.

I am feeling very tired and about ready for bed. What will get done will get done over the next few days, and the rest will just have to abide.

Day 197: on unplugging (#2-ish)

Feels good to unplug on Saturday. I intend to make this a regular thing, especially once I finish this daily blog challenge. I might even stay off Social Media till Monday.

Need to stay on a little longer to write the Queen Mother's bestie (as our computer is on the fritz) and wait for Himself to check in, but I will be shutting down again very soon.

Maybe some insights to follow. Maybe not. To Be Determined...

Day 196: on wrapping up the week

I was happy to get in my Tea and Morning Pages ritual before turning my attention to the Queen Mother and getting her over to her appointment. I gave her a ten minute warning before the half hour I had allotted to get us over there, and it still wasn't quite enough. Looks like I will have to block out more time next time. :p

Anyway, we got over to the doctor's office and had a short wait before she was called back. Her quarterly weigh-in shows she had gained two whole pounds! A big concern with us is her weight; we want to make sure she's gaining or holding steady, and not dropping any. I jokingly attibuted it to the birthday donuts she'd had when we were conversing with her doctor. After discussion and a brief exam, she was proclaimed "good to go" for another three months. We just need to stop by the Lab next month for her annual (fasting) bloodwork. I called Himself on the phone and we met in the parking lot.

Once the Queen Mother was safely back home, I cooked Himself and myself some gnocchi, as we were going to a First Night Seder with the congregation we're a part of, and I suspected it might be a bit before we would eat again. We got to the Carlsbad Senior Center (where the seder is held every year) a bit early to help with putting everything together, and we also stayed a little later to help take everything apart. I was going to take a picture or two at the start, but my phone died just as I brought up my camera. Himself took plenty of pictures, though.

He was feeling a bit tired after the Seder, so I drove us home after a quick stop at a Starbucks, and I happened to drive through my first ever DUI checkpoint on the way to the 78. I can't imbibe any level of alcohol without winding up projectile vomiting, a fact I mentioned to the nice officer, who chuckled in sympathy. It was an uneventful trip home after that.

Once I got home, though, I had to clean up after one of our Efficient Hunters, namely Inkblot. The Queen Mother pointed out the ex-bird by the computer station, and I may or may not have gone a bit green around the gills in bagging the body for the trash. I suspect it was the same bird I had chased around the house a few days before.

I am happy to have arrived at the end of this busy week. It was a good week, but it was still a long week. Tomorrow feels like a good day to switch off all of my devices; so tomorrow evening will probably feature a short, late post. I feel like I need a bit of a mental holiday.

Take good care of yourselves this weekend, too. :) 

Day 195: on a more orderly day

I got a bit more sleep overnight than I had the previous night, so that was one point of improvement. Today was also full, but not as chaotic.

I accompanied Himself to the all-important Oncology appointment today. In this case, no news was most definitely good news. He is still In Remission and "good to go" for another 90 days. :)

From there, we went over to have his port access removed, and then a trip over to where they schedule GI procedures. The GI folks had scheduled his next "coming and going" appointment for June, three months after the last one, but the Oncology folks say he doesn't need another one until September, six months after the last one. The GI folks saw reason, and his appointment was duly rescheduled. Good news all the way around. We also made notes to schedule the next CT scan (prior to his next Oncology appointment) in May, when we need to pay a visit to the eye clinic. His eyeballs are a whole 'nother story, which I will share later.

Our next stop was at Ralphs, where we got ourselves some sandwiches and chips for a little picnic lunch at the beach. The rip currents were very apparent today; fortunately, there weren't many swimmers in the water yet, as the ocean is still a bit too chilly. I got some quality beach time today, and I was happy.

We stopped at Trader Joe's on the way home, and arrived before dinnertime. We checked the mail just in case - still no letter. In this case, that was a good thing, as Himself's stepmother has stopped payment on the check she wrote and will wire him the money instead. With any luck, we will have it tomorrow; at worst, we might have to wait till Monday.

Between yesterday and today, I am moving to break up the Stinking Thinking that says I am "too damaged" to be helped, and "too negative" to be able to receive (financial) help. Stuff happens, and can happen to any of us, and the worst thing we can do is Suffer in Silence. I am working on telling my truth faster, and speaking up when I need help...and I AM Receiving Help. So there. :)

Tomorrow it's the Queen Mother's turn to visit the doctor for a follow up appointment, followed in the evening by the happy chaos that is a Passover Seder. With this in mind, I chose to skip the caregiver support group today in order to rest up. There will be another one next week that I can attend.

Today I made progress in climbing towards the summit of the mountain.

Day 194: on the fly

Though the alarm went off this morning at 7am this morning, it became apparent that we weren't going to be able to make it to the La Jolla VA Medical Center by 8am for the all important CT scan. The scheduling for Radiology wasn't in until 10am; when Himself got a hold of them, they encouraged him to get there by 11:30, and they might be able to squeeze him in before his Port Access appointment at 1pm. I managed to get in my Tea and Morning Pages before breakfast and a quick shower, and then we were off.

When we got to Radiology, Himself asked if he could reschedule to later today. There did happen to be an opening - at midnight tonight. So guess where he's going in about an hour? Yup, back to La Jolla for the CT scan.

With time opening up, we had a serviceable brunch in the cafeteria: Himself had a breakfast sandwich, and I had soup (a creamy tomato bisque) and a salad. Then we went to his "regularly scheduled" appointments at 1pm (where he got some blood drawn for labs through his port), and 2pm to the Pain Clinic (where we went to see if we could get him re-authorized for a chiropractic referral). We learned that there was a yoga study going on to evaluate if yoga could help with lower back pain in veterans; if he qualifies, he could get paid to do yoga for a few weeks! We will definitely look into that further.

With traffic its usual hot mess, we managed to get home right after the usual dinner time, but not too late after. Once again, we checked the mailbox, and still didn't find what we were looking for: a little financial help from Himself's stepmother. He rang her up, and if we don't get anything in tomorrow's mail, she will stop payment on what she sent us and use Priority Mail to resend it. In the meantime, the generosity of friends has once again come through, and we have enough for gas and cat food...for now. (Thanks to Cancer Angels, an organization that helps Stage 4 cancer patients, we're good with people food...for now.)

I am feeling the Heaviness of Depression wanting to weigh me down, and insist that I am a permanent resident of ScarCity. Part of that comes from being tired, as it has been a long day. Part of it is a test of my pragmatism. I still feel like I'm moving forward, even though it also feels like snails are moving faster than I am.

Tomorrow is Himself's all important Oncology follow up, where we intend to hear the magic word Remission being spoken again, and then he'll be good for another three months. If we're not delayed too badly, I think a detour to the beach will be good for both of us. Fingers crossed in both cases.

Day 193: on testing the resolve

We have been awaiting a key piece of mail for a bit more than a week, now, and it hasn't arrived in our mailbox yet. I find my new resolve to take it day by day, and not worry about (financial) things that I can't control, tested a bit. So far, the pragmatism is holding. So far.

I finished coloring my latest mandala and posted it on Messenger as part of my Daily Stories. I'm probably going to take pictures of my recent mandalas and post them on Instagram. I finally returned to it last night, and I was okay. I don't feel a call to return to Facebook at this time. I'm not sure if I will return to Facebook, and I don't feel like I will be on Instagram for long stretches of time. I need some more Stability in my life for that to happen, as I have enough on my plate without having to worry about random Drama Llama stampedes on Social Media.

I went with Himself to the first of his latest round of VA appointments. Today was his next to last Cognitive Behavioral Therapy session. He will return in a month for a final "progress report" before finishing this round. Tomorrow we have a grand total of three appointments in La Jolla, starting bright and early with a "last minute" CT scan that everyone forgot was needed before the next Oncology appointment! This is what happens when things don't get scheduled right away... ;-p

Sometime tomorrow we will also need to get cat food, and I am hoping we'll be able to do that sooner rather than later.

Hoping and praying for the next miracle to arrive...

Day 192: on reflecting in the calm...

I have had a restful day today. The closest I came to doing any sort of work was proofreading a document Himself had typed up before he sent it out. Other than that, the day has been filled with Morning Pages and mandala coloring.

I am happy to confirm that Himself's VA attorney has filed his case with the Board of Veteran's Appeals (I've been calling it the Board of Veteran's "Affairs" all this time. Oops!). Now we are officially scaling the last of the mountain, aiming for the summit.

In the meantime, we are still awaiting a key piece of mail, and as of today, it still hasn't arrived. Instead of my previous reaction to this development, I am experimenting on letting go of the pity poverty party that's been playing in my head. Yes, money is coming, and until it does, I still have Life to deal with, so that's what I'm going to do. I even drew and colored in a mantra in my Happy Yellow Book: "Expect Miracles Every Day!" Doubtless there is some irony in being inspired to do that on the same day Notre Dame is engulfed in flames...

For dinner this evening I successfully pan-fried some of my Veggie Gyoza and had it with some steamed rice and a salad. I used some of my Goddess Dressing as a dip, and oh yes indeedy that was a delicious choice! I will definitely be doing that again in the future. 

Riffing off of that: I am leaning toward joining the Intermittent Fasting posse and seeing how that works for me. I am thinking of doing the 16:8 variation, wherein one eats normally for eight hours in the day, then fasts for the other sixteen hours. It actually makes sense, and it's something that I can see myself doing more days than not. In the near future, I'm thinking of returning to (mostly) Veganism as well, because I feel better when I'm eating plant-based, Living Food than when I'm not. I say "mostly" because I love Honey, and I'm not quite ready to let that go yet. ;)

Tomorrow begins the latest iteration of "Appointment Week," which includes Himself's all important Oncology follow up. Our intention is to learn that Nothing is Untoward and All Is Still Well, and then perhaps have a picnic at the beach. Wish us luck. 

Day 191: on pausing for a moment

Between the mental exertion of yesterday's meetings and the physical unpleasantness of last evening's walk, Himself let Discretion be the better part of Valor today and chose not to attend our Sunday Support group. I didn't blame him. This meant it was a good day to rest, and move forward in Ease, and take inventory of life. My "new" pragmatic perspective is fitting nicely,

The only "practical" thing we managed to get done was grocery shopping: using some of my remaining funds to get a few cans of cat food, using our gift cards to get some essentials, with a few "treats" thrown in - nothing too crazy, mainly things we haven't usually had an opportunity to eat recently. We're still good for the rest of the month if absolutely nothing else happens, and of course other things will happen.

Inkblot was feeling particularly ambitious today, as he brought in a dove (!) while I was preparing my dinner. That was tricky to get out of the house, even with Himself removing the cats from the immediate vicinity, but I successfully got it into our special Critter Transportation box, and the dove flew onto a neighbor's roof, so it didn't look like much damage had been done. Then Inkblot went and got a decent-sized moth (!!) and brought it in; this was much easier to get out of the house, as I was able to open the patio door and shoo it out. Poor boy must think we are "hopeless parents," unable to fend for ourselves and hunt down basic meals! ;)

After dinner, Himself tended to his business down in Point Loma, and I colored some more in my mandala, then had myself a walk of two (consecutive) laps around the complex. I took a moment to appreciate some rosemary (that plant I can recognize, at least!) and took a picture of the sunset. Towards the end of the second lap, I looked up at several flying creatures feeding on the nocturnal bugs, and realized that the wings weren't quite right for birds. Instead, I realized I was watching BATS! I got very excited, as this is the first time I've knowingly seen them. They're good totem animals in my book.

After tomorrow, next week is filled with appointments and the Seder of Pesach at week's end, so it will be a busy time. I will be taking full advantage of the Downtime.

Day 190: on accepting...

I was originally going to title this "on resigning," but after a nap, a walk, a tasty dinner, and some time in the Morning Pages, I was inspired to change the title to something more positive.

I was planning to go to the Caregiver Expo today, but my/our priority right now is to Conserve Resources as much as we can. We were expecting some money yesterday, but it hasn't arrived yet. Combined with some work Himself needs to do tomorrow in Point Loma (aka "down south,") I chose to let discretion be the better part of valor and stay home. It turns out the expected funds didn't arrive today, either, so that was a bit of validation for my choice. That doesn't mean I was happy about it; in fact, it took all of the activities that I mentioned above to bring me back to the Happy Medium.

I was, however, freed up to make an important phone call, which I would not have been able to make had I attended the Expo. I learned therein that I'm not the only one who has "experimented with new levels of Powerlessness and Unmanageability" as of late! Right now, I'm not in a position to do more than I'm currently doing, and sometimes that almost feels like I'm doing too much. Hopefully, that will change in the near future, and I'll be able to step up and be more of Service, helping to carry the load.

Because the call took place mid-morning, my Morning Pages were more of a late afternoon/early evening affair. I took my gripes to the Pages and came to the sense of Acceptance I had been seeking. Many times in the past year or so I have felt like I was in a basic "Survival Mode." Each time I would think I was moving forward, I would be slammed back, hard, into that mindset. Today I embraced the idea of not continually craning my head, looking for the gleam on the distant horizon, but focusing on what I have NOW and what I can do NOW instead. (Besides, all indications point to this being a Temporary Situation, and perhaps more temporary than I/we expect.)

I have a list of thirteen no-cost things I can do for Respite, and an additional seven low-cost things to go with it. If I actually concentrate on "Just for Today," if I actually move forward "One Day at a Time," I just might be able not only to hang on to my remaining Sanity, but perhaps even start rebuilding it. Time to put some Energy where my mouth is. :)

Himself and I are intending to make our Support group tomorrow. We shall see what happens.

Day 189: on revisiting...

Depression paid me a visit today, feeling very Heavy and sad. I dialogued with it on in the Morning Pages, and found the reason for Depression's visit, which could be summed up thusly: Still Waiting.

I resonated with both of those words...the "Waiting," yes, as I/we have several projects still in progress, hopefully with resolutions in the near future, emphasis on hopefully. As for "Still," I feel like I'm frozen in place, waiting for Something Positive and Prosperous To Happen, so I can start moving again. As I've mentioned before, I don't handle Ambiguity very well, so some days end with me ready to climb the walls and walk across the ceiling!

Once I had identified what was feeling out of sorts, though, I did feel better.

We revisited the VA today, as Himself had a follow up appointment with his dietician. She praised him for recording his meals in a food journal of sorts on his phone; now his challenges are 1) measuring out his portions to establish Portion Control parameters, and 2) being more aware of his late night eating habits, which is where he tends to stumble.

Once we were done there, it was time to hit up Pharmacy again, to get some of prescriptions renewed. He doesn't get his meds mailed to the home, because we have at least one active drug addict in our complex who will steal VA packages when they come, in a quest to obtain pain medications. So we waited while his prescriptions were filled. I noted that the overhead music was from the 80's, which took me back to my pre-teen and teen years. I don't actively listen to 80's music today, so hearing it played was a pleasant surprise. It also speaks volumes as to the "average age" of the veterans receiving medical treatment these days.

With medications and supplies in tow, we started home. As if the freeway traffic wasn't bad enough, which it was, we had the unfortunate timing of hitting a key stoplight en route just in time for both the Northbound and Southbound commuter rails to pass by. (The Coaster goes from Oceanside to San Diego and back again.) We wove our way along the surface streets and finally got home, where we had just enough time to get dinner prepared and consumed in our bellies. Then we were off and running again to our Friday meetings. We both had good ones.

I have taken stock and made my choice: tomorrow I head south for an adventure. More to be revealed...

Day 188: on revising...

Himself had an appointment with his "civilian" podiatrist today, then figured that Club Business was going to take up much of the rest of his day, so instead of grabbing a few things at Trader Joe's after his appointment, we went before his appointment, and I stayed home afterwards with the Queen Mother.

So what did I do with my free time?

I walked my own lap around the complex. I took a picture of what I believe is pink jasmine to post on my Daily Story thread. I might do some "Eye Candy" pictures of flowers over the next few days. Just don't ask me what they are, because I have no idea without googling them. I got to our mailbox at the back of the complex and got yesterday's mail just as the postman pulled up in his USPS truck, so all Himself and I had to worry about this evening was getting today's mail. 

I colored some more of my latest mandala, with Lemon Yellow today. It's a very tricky color to see in anything but natural sunlight, so I colored with it while the light in our room was good.

Once I was done, I filled out my renewal papers for Medi-Cal. I had to revise some of the information on it, because it was way out of date. It's all ready to be dropped off at the County office in plenty of time before the deadline.

I watched some television tonight with the Queen Mother. Normally she watches her programs just fine without me, but I suspect she likes it better when she has a Viewing Buddy. Most of the time it's Himself, but occasionally I'll come in and watch something. Tonight I watched SWAT, one of her cop shows, and the main reason I watched it was that it featured an "updated" version of the Symbionese Liberation Army for our heroes to try to outwit. I was alive at that time, though I only needed one hand to count my age on. I have, however, seen the relevant footage from that time when I was actually old enough to understand it, so I knew what they were talking about. I thought the show was well done.

Himself has a VA Medical Center appointment tomorrow, and I will be tagging along to make sure he hits up the Pharmacy for some of his medications. Beyond that, we shall see what happens.

Day 187: on realizing...

For someone who said she was a "poor" multitasker these days, I think I did a pretty good job today, weaving various threads of cleaning together to make up a nice little tapestry of huswifery.

I didn't do several things at once, but used momentum to flow along from one task to another: washing a load of laundry, taking some recycling out to the main bins, taking some more recycling out to our personal bins, clearing out the trash from the bathrooms, cleaning the Queen Mother's toilet, sweeping the walls clear of cobwebs, and bringing a little more order to our recycling station. 

I paced myself between tasks, taking breaks when I started to feel overwhelmed (from the Queen Mother's "helpful input"), and finding the wherewithal to do a little more. 

As I cleaned, it occurred to me that mom and I might be seeing two completely different houses: where I see some clutter here and there between significant clear spaces, it's entirely possible that she sees the clutter first and foremost, and that's what takes up the most space in her perspective. This is something good to keep in mind - not to blow off cleaning altogether, but to realize her perspective is way different from mine, so when she starts up on one of her rants, I can choose NOT to Take It Personally, and make notes of what bothers her, and possibly take action on those notes.

As we head toward sunset on the West Coast, I am in my "happy place": with the Himalayan Salt Candle holding a tealight flickering away, Pandora streaming some relaxing music, and Pippa napping beside me in a ridiculously adorable pose. I feel like coloring a new mandala in, so I will pick one out, grab my pencils, and go to work. :)

Day 186: on recognizing...

It's silly to expect Himself to be "sacrificing" as much as I do in this Caregiving odyssey. He can help, and he does, but he also has his own life, and his own commitments in this life. To expect him to give everything up to help me is a mark of Insanity.

Come to think of it, it's also silly to say that I'm "sacrificing" myself in the name of Caregiving. Some of my boundaries need to be redrawn, yes. Some things that I enjoyed doing need to be picked up again, yes. To say that I am "ruined" or "broken," though, is another mark of Insanity.

When I looked over at the clock today, and it was just after noon, and I hadn't had breakfast or showered yet, I figured I wasn't going to the new Caregiver Support Group, as there were groceries to purchase, and money to purchase them with. I did my Tea and Morning Pages after helping the Queen Mother with her breakfast, and helping Himself with a bit of Pain Management, and hadn't realized where in the day I stood. Even if I had caught myself a bit earlier, I still might not have rushed.

I'm also recognizing that, at least right now, multitasking is right out, until I get my Respite Vacation in. On days where there are no appointments, I pick one thing I need to do, and then do that. Anything else that gets done on a given day is gravy. I'm criticizing myself less and understanding myself more.

Per Himself's VA attorney, the case hasn't been filed quite yet, but they have until the 15th to file it. While I appreciate their thoroughness in reviewing all the details of the case, there a part of me that just wishes they would hurry up and file already! So here we sit, waiting for the right time to start scaling the summit of the mountain.

Another "empty day" tomorrow, so I will peruse my options, choose one, and take action.

Day 185: on remembering...

Today I remembered to Receive. My bestie on the east coast saw Himself's Facebook posting about our dishwasher blues and offered to help out. Today we received the money she sent us. We went over to Lowe's to score a new dishwasher, only to find that they were out of stock of the one we paid for! So I also get to remember Patience as we wait a little longer for the dishwasher to be delivered and installed.

Today I remembered to call my bestie and thank her for her assistance. :)

Today I remembered what nice warm summery days felt like. It's not summer quite yet, but this felt like a gorgeous early-to-mid summer day. Hopefully when more of these days arrive, I can take full advantage of them, and not just enjoy them piecemeal while I'm out running errands.

Today I remembered to sort through the mail. I wound up recycling nearly half of it in the form of discarded envelopes, forms I no longer needed to keep - anything with confidential information on it got placed in the Shredding pile - and gratuitous inserts. Some of it I will consider more deeply later, and some of it I placed in the Appointment pile (to keep track of Himself's appointments at the VA Medical Center) on the dining room table.

Today I remembered to get some legal sized envelopes. I found a small package of them for only a couple of dollars at Staples, so I was happy that I didn't have to buy an entire box of them. I was able to mail out my tax returns today.

Today I received a gentle reminder that I needed to turn in MY Medi-Cal forms for my annual evaluation. I will see if I can get completed and turned in this week.

Tonight Himself and I remembered to walk. We did a lap around the complex. His nerves weren't happy when we were done. He remembered to see if he could get an earlier appointment with his neurologist, but that's yet to be determined. In the meantime, we have some more mysteries to ponder.

Tomorrow I will see if I can remember to attend the new caregiver support group that is starting in Vista, which is closer than the ones down in San Diego are. Getting back to having a support group to go to weekly feels like a good move.

I am beginning to remember a little thing called Hope. I throw open the windows of my mind to allow her to return.

Day 184: on tackling the to-do list

It was a beautiful day...to take a look at my to-do list and see what the highest priority item was. That item: taxes.

I have prepared my own taxes for years on end, as I am a very simple and easy person, tax wise. This year I printed out the "new and improved" 1040 form, and wasn't super impressed. Leave it to the government to fix a system that wasn't really broken in the first place! I opened up my trusty tablet and downloaded the instructions as a PDF, to save myself paper and headaches.

Anyway, I have been delaying doing my taxes because I figured I would be owing everyone significant amounts of money, due to the partial cash surrenders I had to take out last year. Imagine my surprise when I did the math and found, instead, I get a REFUND, thanks to that handy little thing called Earned Income Credit. Imagine my further surprise when I found that the State will also be sending me some refund money as well, also due to Earned Income Credit. They won't be huge windfalls in either case, but perhaps I can use them to get caught up on the electric bill, if nothing else!

I filled out the forms, then realized I forgot to include a 1099 that I had also received last year. It didn't affect the refunds on either the Federal or the State level, but I stil needed to throw it into the pot. So I redid the forms, and now they're ready to go into the mailbox. Yay me.

One more pleasant surprise was seeing an entire section of the newspaper devoted to Caregiving. I pulled it out and read just about all of it over breakfast. I'll probably finish it up tonight. It had some good information in it, along witb a guide to the Caregiver Expo that's going to take place next Saturday. I attended the first expo last year, but I'm not sure if I'm going to attend it this year. This section, however, covers many of the topics that are scheduled to be covered at the expo, so if I don't make it, it won't be that big of a deal.

Tomorrow is an "empty" day on the calendar, so once again I'll be playing things by ear. I'm actually looking forward to seeing what will unfold; that's a very good thing. :)

Day 183: on taking full advantage

Today started out slowly, for which I was grateful. It was also much sunnier and a bit warmer than yesterday had been. Himself stayed home during the day and did a load of laundry, and I wrote in my Morning Pages and lingered over breakfast. When he mentioned that he would have to be away on Sunday to tend to some business, I immediately shifted to Chill Mode and luxuriated in an easy day. Tomorrow I can do the things; today I read a little and napped a little more.

I did break out my special purple notebook after dinner and engage in some Timed Writing exercises. I gained some clarity and peace of mind when I was done, even though I had to take a bit of a breather in between topics. I did manage to find some treasures buried in the muck, and put them aside for later consideration.

Now I have two sleeping cats on the bed with me, and I shall follow suit shortly. I have some open days next week, so once again I am hopeful I can do some things that need to be done. I also look forward to warmer, longer days to recharge in. Adjusting to the time shift is always annoying, but these are the days that make the shift worthwile. :)

Day 182: on reaching the halfway point in blogging

Well, friends, I've been at this for six whole months and not yet missed a day! Considering the craziness that has been my life over these past six months, that's something I can take a bit of pride in. :)

I was hoping this consistency would spill over to other parts of my life. In that, the result has been Not Yet. Projects that I've started had petered out, but I have gotten quite a bit done if I look at the number of things that I have started, even if I have piled a lot of Incomplete/In Progress things on my plate.

Part of it is the presence of my Depression - even if it's not active in the foreground, it waits poised in the background, ready to come in and take over all of my thoughts, and encourage me to sleep and sleep some more, and eat All The Things, no matter how fatty or sugary they might be. Depression thinks it's safer for me to stuff my anger down and "implode" rather than project it out and "explode" in fiery rage that might burn a lot before the flames go out.

It's easy to be angry when I'm tired and really needing some significant Respite Time. It's easy to be angry when processes that should be easy turn out to have unexpected twists and turns, and take forever to complete, and might not even bring the desired outcome. It's easy to be angry when this thing called "Caregiving" threatens to drown me and wipe out every single dream and desire that I have, along with every dollar and cent in my bank account, especially when I'm the only child and I don't have any siblings to help me, voluntarily or otherwise.

The most sobering thing is realizing that nearly HALF of all caregivers die before their loved ones do, because the stress and anger become too much to handle. This is why I need to take the more challenging route, and turn that anger into Something Else, and do as much as I can, as soon as I can.

Halfway through this daily blog documenting my Odyssey, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, and it's not a freight train coming at me. I have gotten this far on this part of the journey, and every step I take brings me closer to the Payoff, literally. I see myself in a completely different place by the time this year of blogging ends, and Believing that This Will Come to Pass keeps me going. It has to, right now.

It was a decent day, rain notwithstanding, with cleaning up in the kitchen and laughing at the cats and paying off about half of the electric bill. Himself and I also managed to indulge in our monthly dinner treat at our favorite Vietnamese restaurant. It was good to fill up the belly before heading down to our meetings in San Diego this evening.

The next few days will be played by ear as well. I will see if I can finally bring myself to scratch a few things off of the eternal to-do list. Just for Today, I take one step forward, if nothing else.

Day 181: on taking strides forward

There are times when I wake up in the morning and can't return to sleep: when it's an a-ha! or when it's an oh no! Today it was one of the former moments, for I thought I had found a solution to my overarching problem of showing when the Queen Mother first was certified as Disabled: perhaps the Auto Insurance policy that we had once been on together could be traced back far enough to show her as a disabled driver! I called my company this morning, and would later stop by in person in the early afternoon.

Both times, though, I wound up a little disappointed: after I called in the morning, I received an email with some records attached. They didn't go back quite as far as I had requested, and even if they had, the cars were listed by their VIN numbers instead of by the license plates, which wouldn't prove anything. As for the office visit, the Queen Mother had apparently been a non-driver for so long, that she was no longer in their system. Whereas I might have had a meltdown in the past, today I took these (non) developments in stride. I had nothing to lose by asking.

After visiting the auto insurance company, Himself and I stopped by Trader Joes to grab groceries. Inkblot "helped" me with some recycling when I got home. I had the main meal of my day a little earlier than usual, so I was able to finish up everything in plenty of time to make it to my Caregiver Support Group. It was a small group tonight, but it was good to be among my main peeps. Himself and I then went to one of his meetings, and it was good to see some familiar faces.

Once we got home, Himself wanted to take a walk around the condo complex (where we live) to get back on the exercise bandwagon, and partly to help break in his new boots, which he purchased to get better support for his feet. They turned out to support his feet just fine, but other parts of his body chimed in their displeasure with actually moving and walking. My lower back has been acting up a bit, and I still walked faster than he did! We stopped to get the mail (the mailboxes are at the back of the complex), and once or twice more, but we made it back home. I'm hoping Himself makes this a regular part of our routine, as I generally like walking, and it helps me clear out my mind when everything is running riot.

We might or might not have plans for tomorrow during the day, so I will be playing it by ear once again. 

Day 180: on shifting my perspective

While writing in the Morning Pages, a radical idea came up: what if I am exactly where I'm supposed to be, doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing? What if many of those times I have been depressed have actually been instances where some of my Stuck Ego has died and been sloughed off and away? What if my down moments have contained secret gifts that I'm only now opening?

I am certainly a different person now than I was at the start of my Odyssey, and I have yet to sit down and try to quantify these changes. Thinking about my travails in this fashion has settled me down a bit, and I'm not so anxious as I have been.

I managed to get the washing of the sheets (for the Queen Mother and for myself) done today, and we managed to get to Walmart today. Score on both counts.

The evening was interesting: a dinner seminar about retirement at Carver Steakhouse in Rancho Bernardo. The topic piqued Himself's interest, because he's going to need some advice about what to do with his VA back pay when it finally comes. So we have a free appointment tomorrow morning, with no further obligation. I think we'll talk to this dude, one of the Credit Union's investment dudes, and maybe one or two others before we choose who will advise us. Himself was very impressed with Carver's Prime Rib, whereas I batted my eyes, smiled sweetly, and asked for a vegetarian substitution. I was rewarded with a penne pasta dinner with red peppers, asparagus, and broccoli in an alfredo sauce, along with some oh-so-divine garlic bread.

Dessert wasn't offered, but Himself got an idea in his head from an earlier conversation we'd had, and he took me to a Krispy Kreme donut shop. We got half a dozen donuts, three of them being the California equivalent of the "Boston Cream" donut. I had one, he had one, and the Queen Mother had one. We all agreed that they were lovely.

So we will see what happens tomorrow with the consultation, and afterwards. It might or might not rain; it didn't rain during the day today, but it had rained overnight Tuesday night into Wednesday morning. My ears are up and listening for more rain, just in case. April showers - what a concept!

Day 179: on looking for the reset button

I realized today that I have had my fill with obligations, deadlines, and appointments. My mind is feeling rather fried at the moment, and all I really want is quiet and calm. 

Once again I got some, but not all, of the errands done that I wanted to do today, and I'm thinking that tomorrow will be a better day to finish off the to-do list. Tomorrow is the first of three days without any set obligations or appointments - and it's also the first of three days with the possibility of rain forecast. I should be able to dance between raindrops, though, and find some ways of recharging, renewing, and recentering.

Now I think I will go back to my quiet and calm, and let my frazzled nerves rest.

Day 178: on all tricksters day

Way back in November/December, I took what Himself told me and calculated that we would see results in 4-6 months, and I needed to work some magic to get to that point. With our arrival in April, we are entering that "golden" period, and I have worked the magic to get here. Himself is going to check this week to make sure his VA attorney has filed his case; once he has, we will begin to scale the summit of the mountain, so to speak.

Today's visit to the VA Medical Center entailed a flushing of Himself's chemo port. He does this every month or so because he has chosen to keep it implanted in his body. When he needs blood drawn, as he did today, all anyone has to do is access his port and they can get all the blood they need, thus sparing everyone the challenge of trying to access a vein in his arm, or elsewhere.

That was his only appointment for the day, so the next stop was the nearby Ralph's deli, where we got some sandwiches. We wound up re-registering with the store because his phone number got flushed out of their system, so that delayed us a bit, and I began to get frustrated and angry, as I felt this was cutting into precious time I could be spending at the ocean!

While it's true that I'm getting better at catching myself before I plunge headlong down the rabbit hole of Depression, the reverse seems to be true as well: my fuse has become much shorter, and it's easier for me to start looking for the rabbit hole to dive into. I find myself becoming way less tolerant of delays and interruptions to "my" agenda - a sure sign that I'm heading back toward Burnout, and more spectacularly than the first time to boot!

Today I brought myself out of the rabbit hole by remembering my endeavors of Going Small...sometimes I can only carve out a little beach time, or I have to fold in some fun while I am out taking care of errands, because it's too challenging to set aside an entire day. So let me Enjoy what I can carve out, when I can carve it out, and not sweat it if plans change half a dozen times during the day. Memo to Self - !

Once we got everything straight at the grocery store, the law of You Will Hit Every Red Light When You Are In a Hurry to Get Somewhere kicked in. I'm sure the tricksters got a good laugh today. We eventually made it to the ocean, however, and had just enough time for a nice picnic lunch at the beach. I even shot some video on my phone for my Messenger Daily Stories, which I'm going to attempt to start again. (Whatever it takes to stave off insanity, right?)

We were a bit delayed in getting home, but the Queen Mother wasn't too put out. I timed how long it would take to get her dinner ready, as the increase in her IHSS hours became effective, at least theoretically, as of today. So once I establish my "baseline," then I can fill in the rest of the hours with laundry, grocery shopping, and things like that. Now we hope the DMV comes through with the right records!

While Himself went down to take care of business in San Diego, I stayed home and decompressed, first listening to some gentle meditative music, then switching over to some more upbeat "Chill Lounge" music. I've just now switched back to the gentle meditative music to start winding down.

Here's hoping that we begin to receive Resolution to our various quests!