Day 358: on mingling with folks

In the early afternoon, Himself and I made it to our Sunday Support group. I shared about my eye-opening week with the Queen Mother. She woke up to watch her football game (as a once and future Chargers fan) and was happy that they actually won.

Once we were finished, Himself stopped at a clothes store to get a new dress shirt to fit him, since he wasn't sure any of the others would fit. I also got some more hot dogs for the Queen Mother. Other things will abide for now, but come Tuesday we will need to do some serious grocery shopping. We ate dinner before heading out for the first services of Rosh Hashanah this evening. It was lovely to see familiar faces and meet new folks, and someone made a quinoa-tabbouleh salad that was absolutely divine. There was also the customary apple slices in cups of honey, and challah bread, along with several apple-flavored pastries.

Himself discovered some of his ties were on the floor when we came home. One moment, he was attempting to hang up his ties; the next moment there was a very loud cracking sound as the clothes rod on his half of the closet snapped in half. Yes, he has a lot of clothes! Some of these clothes are now hanging in the Queen Mother's closet, but most are now lying in a neat pile on his side of the closet. I would say we will also need to get a new clothes rod come Tuesday as well.

Monday will be an early day for us, as we will be attending the main Rosh Hashanah services that start at 9am. I set intention here that we will get there in a Timely Manner!

Day 335: on ending with a thud

Today was mostly good, until the last half an hour or so. I had an excellent lunch with a good friend, and she reminded me of the importance of Doing for Myself. I got in some needed grocery shopping; yesterday was breakfast-oriented, today happened to be dinner-oriented. I listened in on an excellent webinar and will be working with this facilitator in the future, just not at this time. I enjoyed my dinner and dessert as well.

In the last half hour, we discovered ants swarming on the kitchen table, so now everything in the front of the house smells like vinegar. There are worse smells in the Universe, though. I dropped a lightbulb in the Queen Mother's bathroom and it shattered, so I got the broom and the dustpan and dutifully swept everything up.

Of greater concern is the fact that Himself's right leg has been bothering him pretty consistently all day. He has a call in to the Telephone Advice Nurse now, and we shall see what she says. It would not surprise me in the least if we wound up in the ER sometime in the next 24 hours, though we are hoping to avoid that scenario if at all possible. Working out tomorrow is definitely off of the table.

I choose to focus on the good stuff that happened today, and take some cleansing breaths to release the rest. Catch y'all tomorrow.

Day 332: on a day "free from labor"

Labor Day in the States is a holiday for many, and used to be for me (at times) when I was actually working. Being a caregiver, though, I don't have a Monday through Friday schedule anymore. In some ways, it's always a Saturday, but in other ways, it's always a Tuesday. It mainly depends on how the Queen Mother feels on a given day, and what tasks need to be done, whether in the company of Himself or just by myself.

The Alano Club that Himself belongs to had a Labor Day "picnic" today, which Himself and I attended. Despite bratwursts being the main entree, there were plenty of veggie sides, and I made a nice meal from all of the various salads. I ate very well today and didn't need a huge dinner this evening. All I had, in fact, was dessert when I got home, to give everything time to digest properly.

On my Calm app, I'm beginning (again) with the Seven Days of Calm introductory meditation series; today was the second day. I wanted the app, and am taking full advantage of it, because of the Work that I need to do. Life is good right now, better than it has been for a while, in fact; yet as I was reminded even today, my nervous system very much needs rewiring. I'm not getting triggered as often as I was, but it still doesn't take me very long at all to go from zero to Freaking Out. Using the tools on the app, and adding in techniques that work very well for me, will help me soothe what has been too often jangled, and detangle what has become a gnarled mess.

Everything comes "back online" tomorrow, so I will be a busy bee. All the better to start a practice of Greater Awareness and Serenity NOW.

Day 330: on a better day

Today was a day to sleep in after yesterday ended the week with a bang.

Yesttrday, Himself had a pair of visits to make in the VA medical system: the Pharmacy in La Jolla first, to pick up a prescription, then his Primary doctor's office in Mission Valley. It was the second visit that threw everything off, as the people in the front failed to notify the doctor in the back that we were there, even though we let them know that we were waiting several times, and it was about an hour before we were actually seen. Then his actual appointment lasted another 45 minutes or so! Fortunately, he wasn't as sick as he thought he might have been - which is to say, not at all.

It was about 4:15 pm when I finally dropped him off at the Alano Club for his shift, and I still had to head back home to get the Queen Mother's dinner ready. I got smart and took an alternate route home to bypass most of the commuting traffic, but I had a bit of an adventure getting to said alternate route. Let's just say I'm super grateful that there's an anti-collision system in the car!

I got home in about an hour, all told, and got the Queen Mother her dinner. Then I thought I would be nice and have dinner with her, only to be regaled with her latest obsession: how the cats are "suffering" now that they are "indoor only." The only thing that stopped her was turning on the TV for the news, which gave me the excuse to leave the table, as I don't indulge in that drama these days. After I was done with dinner, I had a nap, and eventually gathered my energy together to make the drive down back to San Diego to pick Himself up at the end of his shift. We wound up getting home just in time for me to help the Queen Mother into bed.

Today was much better. We all slept in, and deservedly so. When Himself and I  finally left the house, we got some recycling cashed in, a few more necessities purchased, and a bill or two paid before the banks closed for Labor Day. We came home in time for me to get the Queen Mother's dinner ready, then I went with Himself to his usual Saturday meeting. We went out to eat afterwards at our favorite Greek restaurant, and finished up in time for the "Sky Show," a big fireworks display one of our radio stations puts on each year for the Labor Day Weekend. It was an awesome show, and a soundtrack that brought back memories if you listened along on the radio station. We caught most of the display before we returned home.

Tomorrow Himself has a business meeting or two to attend in the morning, so I will be staying home and doing some more Huswifery. It will be a nice change of pace after a few days of being the Social Butterfly. Balancing these two modes of activity - Staying In and Going Out - will be the key for me to preserve my Sanity as I move forward.

Day 328: on socializing and floating

Himself and I made it to the luncheon in plenty of time to find parking and settle in. There were about a dozen of us in total; some familiar faces, many new ones. We ate at the Olive Garden in Carlsbad. I tried their new Creamy Mushroom Ravioli, which was mighty tasty. Himself had their Lasagna, but we're not sure if it completely agreed with him.

We had to do a spot of grocery shopping before returning home, so I stopped in at both Trader Joe's (and enjoyed the Samples of the Day), and Major Market (in the same complex). At the latter store I got some cucumber sushi and seaweed salad, something I haven't done in a long time. The sushi and salad were my dinner for tonight.

It has been a bit more than a week since the "gift" from the Veteran's Adminstration, and I am very much feeling the difference. Before, I was very much in the depths: it was dark, I could barely see beyond my nose at times, and the pressure was so intense, there were times I thought the life would be squeezed out of me. If I was able to wash my hair on a given day, I felt like I had accomplished a lot. If I could get the trash out of the house on another day, it felt like a Big Deal. Some days I felt lucky if I could move forward by only fractions of inches.

Then the bonds that tied me to the weights broke, and I zoomed up to the surface. Now I can see far in every direction, and everything looks vibrant. Now I can move freely, and go far with only a little (comparative) effort. I will admit, that I've felt more like floating than actively moving these past few days, but I like to think I'm getting my bearings and feeling what it's like to live with a sense of "normalcy" again. I have told myself to wait and see what happens come the new moon, which is tomorrow, and then choose a direction to strike out in.

Genuinely looking forward to seeing what tomorrow brings, for the first time in a while. :)

Day 273: on the challenge of keeping the faith

A day of the Heavies, shot through here and there with Inspiration.

I am getting good at channeling the Blah energies into fuel for my workout. I can crush goals on a couple of the devices, and a couple of the other devices steep me in Humility. All in a day's work.

I am also good at turning the attitude around in my Friday night meeting. Our stories are not identical, but there are enough similarities where we find Common Ground, and can commiserate.

Aside from these intervals, though, the day has been Heavy with all the things Yet To Be Done. Some of them are doable, but others seem to be well out of reach. I'm having a bit of difficulty keeping the faith at the moment, especially since the Light at the End of the Tunnel turned out to be, once again, a fast moving freight train.

I'm going to try my very best to Do Something this weekend, but if I wind up Doing Nothing again, c'est la guerre.

Day 272: on celebrating inTERdependence

Today I made some deliberate choices...
I chose to log out of Social Media, and will stay logged out for the rest of the month. I don't have the bandwidth right now to witness the struggles and the conflicts - and with communications only getting worse before they get better, I'm going to let the slings and arrows fly very far away from me.

I chose instead to seek out Joy in Fellowship, in being out in Fresh Air and Sunshine, surrounded by other human beings doing the best they can, one day at a time, and also choosing every day to make a solid change in their lives.

Although earlier in the day I was anxious about making it On Time, I chose later to let go of a strict timeline, and found things flowing easier as a result. (I am also choosing to take this anxiety to the altar of the Goddess and hand it over one more time.)

In the evening, Himself and I chose to be with a smaller circle of friends to eat pizza and watch fireworks. I chose to observe their beauty, and was amused when a few close booms kept setting off the alarm on a nearby truck. I chose to be in awe of the New Moon as she set in the sky in the west, just before the light show began.

Big and small, I have awesome Families of Choice, people I have grown to care for, and who have grown to care for me in return. People who ask me how the Queen Mother is doing; people who commiserate with us when we share our latest news.

Tomorrow will be a brief return to the business at hand before the (rest of the) weekend unfolds. Today I chose to step out of my routine, and I am full*filled and happy. :)

Day 218: on taking a full breath

Today was the first day that I felt I could take that full breath and let go of the Drama of the week that has just past. I took care of the laundry and the dishes, but not the trash; it was a little too damp today to carry things out, due to our May rain. Still, two out of three aren't bad, and there's tomorrow for the removal of the trash.

Himself got a ride back up after his commitment today, so I didn't have to accompany him down to his meeting, but I chose to go. I felt I needed to socialize, for one, and I also took a much needed NAP this afternoon, for two. I got my needed socialization, along with some nice hugs. One can never have too much Vitamin H!

I made an exception to my rule of Unplugging for the weekend, again out of a need for Connection. I balanced it well with my huswifing and my napping.

Himself and I will be attending our Sunday support group tomorrow, and take advantage of a bit more Breathing Room before we launch into two (!) full weeks of appointments. Oh what fun!

Day 165: on stepping out solo

I had lunch today at a good friend's place. She lives in an Independent Living complex and "hosts" her various friends in the main dining hall. Today it was my turn.

Himself was at home with the Queen Mother, so it was a rare opportunity to simply leave home and NOT think about Caregiving, or worry about mom (or the cats, for that matter), and leave all of the red tape and wolves at the door at home. Mom did come up in conversation, mainly because I was asked.

First course was (for me) a roasted red pepper and tomato bisque, with a trip to the salad bar. I had planned on the veggie rice bowl, but when the sandwich du jour turned out to be a three-cheese grilled cheese sandwich, with carmelized onions and a slice of tomato thrown on for good measure, I requested that instead. My sides were rice pilaf and lemon-garlic spinach, so I was good in that way. The meal was sufficiently decadent; to balance that out, I wound up having a second salad with my dinner (which was simply spaghetti).

When I returned home, everyone was fine and there was no drama to take care of, so I felt rather refreshed. I took a brief nap and did some more coloring in my "spring" mandala. I read my usual newspaper sections (Dear Abby and the comics) along with the monthly Caregiver section the paper is now publishing. It's always good to see what the topics are, and how I resonate with them.

Tomorrow and Thursday we get some more rain (almost unheard of in our neck of the woods), so we'll be staying close to home, at least for most of the day tomorrow. It is shaping up to be a rather decent week. :)

Day 128: on a rather decent day

Made it to our support group today. We took turns in sharing. I felt better after we left than I did before we arrived. Post group, we paid a visit to one of our members who had developed bursitis in one of her heels, and had just finished one week of a strict two week "no walking or driving" regimen. Between the group and the chat, we got home a bit later than we had expected. I got the Queen Mother's dinner ready, then had my own dinner.

It's rained off and on today, more off than on, but enough so that the cats were more inside than out. There was enough sunlight for me to see a segment of a rainbow on oour way home, so I took a picture for my Daily Stories on Messenger. I've missed a few days here and there, mainly because I don't want to take boring pictures, and partly because it would be way too easy to post pics of the cats. That's not necessarily a bad thing, yet I want to show there's more to my life than cats. ;)

We are skipping the Grammys this evening. Mom is having her own unofficial "NCIS: Los Angeles" marathon, and I am catching up on my reading of the Sunday paper. Tomorrow, I step back into the grind; tonight, I take a much needed breather. Even though I don't have a strict "workweek" as a caregiver, I still appreciate the weekend, as I give myself permission to stop worrying about the world, and our affairs in it, for those two days.

As for our affairs, I can summarize them thusly: we have finally arrived at the mountain - but we still have to climb it. If we can get through March, possibly April, the tide should turn for good. All prayers are welcome.

Day 74: on shifting focus

Errands and Fun Outside the Home were the order of today.

Once a month or so, I have a lunch date with one of my sisters from the support group Himself and I attend on Sundays. She helps me keep my head on straight, and when I need it, very gently helps me remove my head from my arse. Lunches with her are lovely - just the two of us, sharing conversation and yummy food. She has been, and will continue to be, a lovely angel in my life.

Once we finished up at lunch, we went our separate ways, and Himself picked me up en route to the VA Medical Center. He had an access port implanted before he started chemotherapy a couple of years ago, and kept it when his regimen was over. He goes in once a month or so to have it flushed, and when blood needs to be drawn for lab work, the nurses use the port to draw the blood. Having the port has come in very handy in the nearly two years post-chemotherapy, as he's been hospitalized several times since his cancer adventure, and having IV needles inserted into his arm has been problematic at best! At any rate, we were also finally able to nail down the elusive PET scan appointment, which he needs before his next oncology appointment, and made a trip to the Pharmacy for some medication renewals.

We were delayed on the trip home by some heavier traffic than usual, thanks to some gnarly accidents on the 15. We eventually made it, though, and I prepared mom's dinner while Himself grabbed a bite to eat before heading back out into the fray, for more business. I finally grabbbed a few things to munch on about three hours ago; lunch was that filling. I've also tidied up the kitchen a bit, mostly in gathering up everything that needs to be recycled.

I have a chiropractic appointment for myself tomorrow, as the muscles in my lower back have been tensing up the past few days, which normally means my back is about ready to go out. Before it does, I'm going to get it re-aligned. Then there's a quick trip to the post office that needs to be made, to get some vital documents up to Sacramento to see if I can get those elusive paychecks from October. After that will be the usual grocery shopping, then home to (hopefully) tackle the dishes!

Winter Solstice is on Friday, and I'm feeling a lift in my energy as we get closer to that Longest Night... :)

Day 68: on feeling supported

It took a while to get started today. I felt very tired for the first half of the day. I managed to get my hair washed before going down to the caregiver support group this afternoon. I always call it a good day when I can wash my hair along with the rest of me.

Support group today was large, and most everyone got to share. One or two people were new; we begain with one of the newbies, who simply wanted "to listen," and doubtless got an earful as we went around the circle. It can get a little chaotic sometimes, with advice flowing as freely as water, but everyone in the end walks out a little lighter, as we are reminded that we're all in this together.

While I was waiting for Himself to stop by and pick me up, I discovered the reason I was tired: I was starting my Moonflow a bit earlier than expected! Welcome to the wild world of Perimenopause, eh wot! I got myself some proper padding on when we got home.

I went back out with Himself after a quick-ish dinner, where we met up with a friend in San Diego. She gave us some food, which was very helpful, along with a pair of pumpkins. I must confess, Cooking From Scratch is not a strong suit of mine, and my first thought was, "What are we going to do with these pumpkins?!" Fortunately, they're not very large; unfortunately, we don't have a working oven, just a modest-sized convection oven. Even if we wanted to, we couldn't do these gourds justice! I'll think of something, though...

On the way home, I caught sight of a large procession of people. They weren't shouting any slogans, so they weren't protesting. Then I remembered: today is the feast day for the Virgin of Guadalupe (a variant of the Virgin Mary), and I had probably seen a posada (procession) making the rounds. My spirit was a bit lighter afterwards, though I had to take a moment and explain it to Himself.

Each day, I'm feeling a little better after my epic meltdown on Sunday. Seeing the pretty holiday lights around town is helping lift my spirits up as well. Hopefully, this gentle momentum continues to build. :)

Day 58: on the gift of a calm day

Today I was able to shift into having a "Day Off." As a caregiver, I don't usually grant myself permission to have a day of doing little to nothing. Being honest, when there aren't appointments to make or chores to tend to, my mind is usually preoccupied with something that I have to Get Done Now, or Tomorrow At The Latest! Today, however, I declared that everything on the to-do list would abide until tomorrow, and kicked off the Ease with a nap after I had helped the Queen Mother with her breakfast. I didn't bother to get up for good until after 1pm.

One of the reasons I'm feeling so refreshed is because I actually got out and socialized for a few nights. (We made it to the Yule Party right on time last evening, and I enjoyed the Sister- and Brother-hood for the first time in what seems like forever, though I'm sure it's only been a few months.) I realized as I wrote in my Morning Pages today that as much as I need Me Time out in Nature, I also need We Time with peeps of like vibe. This came as a bit of a surprise to me, as I had previously not been aware of the Hunger I had to relate to folks who could relate back, and not necessarily be a part of a support group. I love and need my support groups, don't get me wrong, but I'm more than "just" a Caregiver, and I need to be in situations where I can perhaps bring out those parts of me that I might otherwise forget and give them some fresh air and sunshine as well.

All of this more or less started with an observation I had made about myself (in the Morning Pages), and the question I then asked myself: What is wanting to take everything so Personally within me? because I was taking everything that Life was throwing at me Very Personally. I remembered stories I had found within my Shadow Realm from earlier inquiries, but looked at them from a different angle this time. Not only did this lead to my current ideas around parceling out my days, but I've also let go of a lot of hard feelings and excessive mental gunk that I was carrying around. In a nutshell - my Caregiving experience is MY experience, but I've allowed Other People's Experiences to influence me a little too much. Knowing this, it becomes much easier to keep my own counsel about what works and what doesn't, and allow the opinions of others to slide off my back.

Today was a good, restful day, and I will be in a much better place to tackle what lies before me in the week ahead. :)

Day 54: on the unplanned breather

Today Himself got up early to take the car into the dealership to get the tires looked at. He wound up also going by Discount Tire before coming home; the good news is, the tires are basically fine. I stayed in bed until the Queen Mother emerged from the bathroom and was ready for me to help her with breakfast.

I really had intended to make some more phone calls and continue on with gathering together the necessary paperwork for mom's Medi-Cal evaluation, but I luxuriated in the gentle unfolding of the morning instead. After a nice long shower where I washed my hair (a major victory these days if I can get it washed once a week or so), we were off to one of my caregiver support groups. Himself dropped me off, then he went to a nearby Starbucks with his laptop to work on various things.

My goal is to make a support group a week, because I really get a lot out of them: we might not be in the exact same boats, but the people who gather around these tables are definitely floating down the same river. Today there was a presentation about emotional support for caregivers. It didn't go as in depth as I would have liked, but mainly because many of the members were needing to share their experiences. This is the beauty of these groups - we are all caring for someone, and we need to have these times where we can talk about what we're going through, without judgment. Advice flows freely, whether asked for or not, but most of the time it's well received.

I touched base with Himself just as the meeting ended, and we came directly home. We were greeted by the sight of several of the condo buildings tented for the fumigation. I don't think our building was the only one that opted out of this round, but it definitely looked a bit ominous with several huge tarps covering over so many of the buildings in the complex, maybe a third of all the buildings here.

I am feeling a lot lighter this evening. I hadn't realized I was needing a break from all of the hoop-jumping until I actually took it. Tomorrow, Himself has a pair of appointments which he's going to need my help with, and it looks to be an early start on a rainy day. I had been looking forward to enjoying the rain in the comfort of home, but there you are. Perhaps another day...

Dsy 43: on helping out

So we have a friend who had a pretty bad fall a few months ago and had to be hospitalized because he broke his shoulder. He had two surgeries and two separate stints in nursing homes while he rehabilitated. This meant that he spent an extensive amount of time away from his home, and away from his cat.

Initally, Himself and I went over to our friend's place as we could, scooping out the litter box, making sure there was enough food and water, and putting down some wet food. When it became obvious that our friend wasn't going to be able to return home anytime soon, after the second surgery, he found a friend who would be able to foster his cat until he was ready to take her back. He's not there quite yet.

Today I drove our friend up to see his cat for the first time in quite awhile. She started purring the moment he picked her up, and pretty well purred the whole time I was there. The visit did them both a world of good.

Next month, our friend will be having a pair of cataract surgeries to restore his vision. With a new battery in his car, he expects to be healthy enough to be able to drive at the start of the new year, which is very good news indeed.

I did not feel like driving this morning when I woke up, but I managed to get myself into a decent mood by the time Himself and I had to leave the house, and I'm glad that I did. Tomorrow I will have plenty of time and opportunity to rest, as I return to my Moon Hut. :)

Day 5: on receiving support

As I had hoped yesterday, today I made it out to my caregiver support group. This is one of several groups sponsored by the Southern Caregiver Resource Center, an organization unique in that its focus is on providing resouces to the caregiver first, instead of on the loved one who needs care. I have taken advantage of SCRC's many resources over the past 2 1/2 years; their support groups are free and ongoing - no registration required. If you want to, you could attend 2-3 groups per week. After not being able to attend for a few months, I am self-committing to attend one support group per week: the 1st and 3rd Thursdays + the 2nd and 4th Wednesdays.

The caregiver support group has become a safe place for me...I am part of a circle of people who can totally relate to my trials and tribulations, as I can (more and more) relate to theirs. We provide one another the listening ear, wihout judgment or criticism. We share our hard-won experience, strength, and hope. If someone has a question about caregiving for their loved one, there is almost certainly someone else who has an answer, and the facilitator from SCRC is always there to help with access to resources.

Today I was the "newbie" in the group, though there was one other who had arrived the week before me. We commiserated over the challenges of caring for our loved ones, particularly if Dementia is involved (which I have found is an all too common denominator). As one of the other participants noted, "there always seems to be someone who has it worse than you." After this meeting, I walked out grateful that the Queen Mother wasn't even worse off, mentally - though that may yet come in the future.

I received the unexpected gift of some downtime as I waited for Himself to come and pick me up, since he had gone to help one of his friends with some necessary transportation while I circled in group. So I walked to the large mall across the street from the meeting place, and treated myself to a tall green tea frappuccino, which I enjoyed outside, in the waning of the warm days. We are actually expecting some RAIN in the forecast, and the temperature will be dipping a bit. I had just about finished the frappuccino when Himself pulled up, and after a quick caffeine reload for him, we were off to a spot of grocery shopping, then home for dinner.

Finally done with my day, I am winding down. Tomorrow has another trip to the VAMC, and the all-important oncology report. I am expecting continued good news, but I/we will happily accept good thoughts and prayers.