Day 353: on an unraveling mind

The Queen Mother proclaimed herself "much better" today, getting up at a decent hour and eating her breakfast, no problems. She ate her dinner as well, and I joined her in conversation, after a fashion. (More on that in a minute.) She lent credence to my working hypothesis that she had worked herself into a frenzy yesterday by saying, adamantly, that she did NOT want to go to the clinic to get her blood work done, because it would be "too cold" and she has "issues" with cold. While I was cleaning up in the kitchen, I mentioned to her that we needed to do the tests because it could get me some help, which I needed, since I was taking care of two people. That got through to her, and she agreed that getting help would be a good thing for me. I can build upon this for the future, so I am very happy I finally managed to get this point across.

The pharmacy called today to let me know her Prolia injection was ready, and when did we want to come by? Apparently they will give her the injection in the pharmacy, and she is willing to do that, since it will be both close by and a quick in-out-and-done deal. I'm going to call tomorrow and set up that appointment.

Though mom said she is better, I am seeing a significant difference in her: when our computer rebooted itself (becaause Windows can be a pain in the asterisk), she was completely lost as to how to get to her email, and I had to walk her through it. She had a nap today and fell asleep, saying it was the "first time" that has happened. (No, it wasn't.) Her challenge in finding the right words, or any words, I know about, but it's getting markedly worse. Today she threw in that she is losing the memory of plotlines of books as she's reading them. She can still read, at least, but it looks like her comprehension is slipping away big time. She is also completely lost as to what day of the week it is, what the date is, and is having more and more difficulty telling time.

This is more than simple "age-related cognitive impairment," I am certain. I would like to know what kind of dementia this is, and where she is on the timeline. I just need to work around her growing resistance to going to medical appointments, yet I believe today I was given the key to doing just that.

In other news, Himself has been cleared to return to Cardiac Rehab, so that's what he's planning on doing tomorrow. If the Queen Mother isn't doing too badly, I intend to join him. A good workout seems like just what the witch doctor ordered.

Day 352: on being present

The day of the Equinox was very much a yin-and-yang day for me...

It was a warm day, lovely, with a light breeze and some clouds in the sky, but not entirely overcast. Color has been restored to my mind's eye, and I felt alive and whole, for the first time in a long time. I even went for a walk to get the mail, which was necessary because the Queen Mother was waiting upon her weekly TV magazine to help her navigate the days by telling her when her shows are on.

I needed that walk too, because it allowed my to tap into what was causing my stomach to feel a bit tight, and I allowed myself to feel the Worry fully and consciously. That was the "yin" part of the day - the Queen Mother had a significant episode today, and was in bed for most of the daylight hours. We were going to take her to get bloodwork today, but I suspect she got so upset about going, that she worked her way into this episode, as she doesn't allow herself to get emotional, have that temper tantrum, raise her voice in anger.

She learned early on in her life that "feeling sorry for herself" wouldn't get her anywhere, but I wonder if she learned that lesson too well. I can count on one hand, and have fingers left over, the number of times I ever heard her yell at anyone. I used to feel guilty about expressing my emotions and acting "just like (my) father," as mom would say; now I feel blessed that I allow myself to Feel the Feels and Move Through Them, more and more as I go along, rather than stuff everything so deep down that it has no choice but to emerge as a physical issue, like (perhaps) gallstones, dizziness, and nausea.

I sat with the worry and heard it out: there is still a part of my that thinks the Queen Mother will live forever, and is not ready for her to die. Truth is, I'm never going to be entirely "ready" for her to die. I can expect and anticipate it, yes, and prepare for it, most definitely, but still not be ready. Mommy's not going to get better, I tell my Little One Within, but we will take care of her the best that we can. I'm allowing the tears to fall as I write this, as a bit of Anticipatory Grief.

She says she feels better now. She had breakfast for dinner, watched the voice, and is now watching Bluff City Law (I believe that's the new show with Jimmy Smits starring in it). I'm going to back off tomorrow and bring up the idea of visiting the clinic to get the blood drawn for labs on Wednesday. In the meantime, I will continue to enjoy these final days of Jaguar Weather as we move from Hot to Not Hot in Mostly Sunny SoCal.

Day 11: on being a year older

My original plan for this blog was to begin on this day, the 16th, since it was my birthday, and document everything that unfolded over the course of the year to come. It became my "odyssey" after I came up with this blog's title as a hashtag on Twitter, and it began ten days earlier instead. Fun fact: the doctors originally set my date of birth on 10/6; my mother, who was actually carrying me, disagreed, saying I would be born 10/17. Guess who was more accurate? ;)

I don't feel any older, and I haven't really felt "older" at any point along the way in my life. What does that mean anyway, to "feel older"? I do feel wiser, though, and I hope to continue growing in Wisdom.

Here's an interesting observation: as horrid as I felt yesterday, today I felt pretty good. As disjointed as yesterday felt, today I felt In Sync and On Point. I was back in the Flow, and some sychronicities popped up to add Sweetness. I also went to Trader Joe's and got some of their Queso (semi-spicy) cheese dip, a small birthday treat for myself.

This leads to my other interesting observation: I'm at the point where I really don't need a big party attended by a ton of friends, eating decadent food, and receiving a huge pile of presents. Some quiet time where I can do a birthday reading for myself, and grab a few birthday treats, while being honored by my loved ones, is more than enough. While it's true that I had some more elaborate birthday plans earlier this year, and that I went through some Resistance when I realized I had to let go of those plans, today - now - I am Content. Besides, Himself promised to spoil me rotten in the near future. ;) Nevertheless, I'm still content. 

Today I have completed another orbit around the sun and began my next orbit. We shall see what this year has in store for me...