my little friend, anxiety

The day shifted early, as Himself had planned on getting up very early for a morning meeting down at the Alano Club, but his get-up-and-go refused to cooperate. He also had a Club Executive Committee meeting this evening, so he opted to attend that instead.

Before he left, we needed to get a few grocery essentials. At the start of the day, I wasn't sure if I would be able to get cat food, but thanks to a tiny money miracle, I was. This Need to Get Cat Food probably contributed to the Low-Key Anxiety I felt today, some of which was not mine. At one point, I smudged our room with sage - something which is rapidly becoming a daily practice - and felt better.

Another contributing factor is probably the Santa Ana winds which are blowing all week this week, raising temperatures, lowering humidity, and increasing the fire risk. I know of some fires that were burning north of us in the Pacific Palisades area a day or so ago. We see a lot of the Santa Ana winds blowing in from the desert this time of year, and twice in recent years (in 2004 and 2007), we've had our own big wildfire experiences in San Diego, not to mention a few dozen smaller ones.

I will see if I can do a bit more huswifery tomorrow, as the anxiety threw me a bit off stride today. I do give myself credit for getting a full shower in, which basically means I washed my hair. Very important to do when I can't remember when I last washed it! ;)

Day 352: on being present

The day of the Equinox was very much a yin-and-yang day for me...

It was a warm day, lovely, with a light breeze and some clouds in the sky, but not entirely overcast. Color has been restored to my mind's eye, and I felt alive and whole, for the first time in a long time. I even went for a walk to get the mail, which was necessary because the Queen Mother was waiting upon her weekly TV magazine to help her navigate the days by telling her when her shows are on.

I needed that walk too, because it allowed my to tap into what was causing my stomach to feel a bit tight, and I allowed myself to feel the Worry fully and consciously. That was the "yin" part of the day - the Queen Mother had a significant episode today, and was in bed for most of the daylight hours. We were going to take her to get bloodwork today, but I suspect she got so upset about going, that she worked her way into this episode, as she doesn't allow herself to get emotional, have that temper tantrum, raise her voice in anger.

She learned early on in her life that "feeling sorry for herself" wouldn't get her anywhere, but I wonder if she learned that lesson too well. I can count on one hand, and have fingers left over, the number of times I ever heard her yell at anyone. I used to feel guilty about expressing my emotions and acting "just like (my) father," as mom would say; now I feel blessed that I allow myself to Feel the Feels and Move Through Them, more and more as I go along, rather than stuff everything so deep down that it has no choice but to emerge as a physical issue, like (perhaps) gallstones, dizziness, and nausea.

I sat with the worry and heard it out: there is still a part of my that thinks the Queen Mother will live forever, and is not ready for her to die. Truth is, I'm never going to be entirely "ready" for her to die. I can expect and anticipate it, yes, and prepare for it, most definitely, but still not be ready. Mommy's not going to get better, I tell my Little One Within, but we will take care of her the best that we can. I'm allowing the tears to fall as I write this, as a bit of Anticipatory Grief.

She says she feels better now. She had breakfast for dinner, watched the voice, and is now watching Bluff City Law (I believe that's the new show with Jimmy Smits starring in it). I'm going to back off tomorrow and bring up the idea of visiting the clinic to get the blood drawn for labs on Wednesday. In the meantime, I will continue to enjoy these final days of Jaguar Weather as we move from Hot to Not Hot in Mostly Sunny SoCal.

Day 305: on a trending up tuesday

I will admit, I started the day with some "existential anxiety," a dread that wondered who is next? where next? what next? It was not the best scene in my head initially. I almost stayed home when Himself went to his Cardiac session, but I talked myself into it, and was glad I went. I had missed those endorphins and needed them today.

I have a routine: cross-trainer (works arms and legs,) arm bike, recumbent bike (I will use the regular stationary bike if the recumbent ones are all occupied), recumbent elliptical, finally treadmill. Tomorrow Himself is planning on going again, and hitting the weights this next time. I might join him in lifting and toning.

We were delayed by traffic in getting home, plus I needed to stop in at Trader Joes for some breakfast essentials. I started water for pasta first, then got the Queen Mother's dinner together, then returned to my own. Pasta tonight, bean burritos tomorrow. I indulged in a little extra chocolate for dessert, because my body said so.

The Queen Mother is making her way into her bedroom, so I will finish up here and wait for her to call for me so I can tuck her in. :) 

Day 233: on sitting with the feelings

I am beginning to see how Luminous this time has been, being sick in the Moontime. Yesterday and today I have been active in my Morning Pages, tracking my feelings as they have unfolded, one after another, finding points where I could initiate Changes, and then feeling the Resistance to those changes - which basically boils down to, "I don't want to change until the Big Changes have come through, because I don't want to waste precious energy now that I might need later."

I find myself feeling Stuck, yet not entirely willing to Unstick just yet. I find myself Tired on an emotional and spritual level, and wanting to conserve all the energy I can until we finally reach the Summit of the Mountain and receive the good Word: that our Waiting is Over, the Rulings are in our Favor, and we can start the business of Coming Back To Life at last.

My resistance is to moving forward despite the Stuckness, to consider what to do if This is as good as it's going to get, for I refuse to believe this is "It," that the be-all and end-all of my life is to be Broke and Caring for Other People while letting my life slip through my fingers. There MUST be more to it than what is around me now, even if I can't see the Something More just yet.

This is where the lesson of Going Small comes in handy: I remind myself one more time that it's not necessarily about the Huge Activity or the Big Goal, that small bites and mini-goals are just as feasible, if not more so. To paraphrase one of my friends: I know this is Temporary, but I don't know how long this Temporary IS. So if I Go Small, I can find those moments of Respite to carry me along until we reach the Summit. 

I hear the rain falling outside the bedroom door right now. It's been raining on ald off all day today; more, there may be some tomorrow, on Memorial Day itself, something unheard of in SoCal. I did see the forecast clearing up and warming up later in the week, so maybe it will finally start to feel like early Summer instead of early Spring!

My Himalayan Salt candle is lit, and SARK's Glad No Matter What is back by my side. I am using the tools at my disposal to, if not change my attitude, at least loosen it up a little. Tomorrow Himself and I are going to consider our options and see if we can't find a way to have some Fun, something which I could totally use at this point, to lighten up all of this "Serious Business" I've been engaging in.

Day 171: on a monday for the compost pile

Well, all of that lovely effort at decompression that I put in over the weekend ultimately went for naught. Today was definitely one of Those Mondays...

We made it back to the DMV, Queen Mother in tow, and learned that the records for a driver don't go back twenty-odd years at the field office. We needed yet another copy of the form we'd filled out initially and send it to Sacramento, with a slightly larger fee, because this would need to be copied from a microfilm entry. I put down the year I needed, explained One More Time why I needed this information, enclosed the fee with the form, and sent it off to Sacramento.

The only good thing about that trip was that it took only an hour in total, and we were able to bring the Queen Mother home in plenty of time for Ellen, as in Ellen DeGeneres' variety/talk show, which is on mid-afternoon here. This is must-see TV for her.

So when I had filled out the form, Himself and I went to the credit union to see if I could stop some automatic payments I had arranged. If I had set them up through  the credit union, yes; BUT since I had set them up with the companies, I would have to call them and request stoppage of said payments. If they tried to force them through anyway, then I could dispute them, and that would be another matter. Okay fine. I needed to make some calls anyway, so I would just fold this into my mission.

By the time we were finished with errands, I was starting to get hangry. I got the Queen Mother's dinner together, then went to make the first of the Important Phone Calls, and a paper that I needed was Nowhere To Be Found. I can safely say that I finally, truly, lost my mind for a short time. I'm happy to report that it came home when I called it, smelling oddly like soy sauce and dragging a bit of toilet paper under one foot. 

I eventually found another piece of paper that had the information I needed, made the phone call, and got my business done (in what probably sounded like as "Don't Mess With Me or I'll Reach Through the Phone and Slap You" tone of voice). Then I chose to set Everything aside and concentrate on having some dinner. By the time I was finished, I was calmer, and my mind was settling back into my head. 

Needless to say, I'm hoping for some Resolution sooner rather than later to all of the dangling situations, so I can get my life onto a more positive and consistent track. In the meantime, I will focus on the rest of the business that needs to be done this week, while giving some serious side-eye to that unrepentant Mercury Retrograde!

Day 148: on the turning of the day

By and large, it has been a good relaxing day. It rained off and on today, and there looks to be more rain coming along in the next week. March isn't coming in like an angry lion, but the lion is soggy and making its presence known. 

Today I've been listening to my body and pacing myself. Yes, I was on a conference call today. Yes, I did a bit of work on the computer. Mainly, though, I have been quietly reading and enjoying the respite.

I chose to jump on Instagram earlier this evening and watch a Live from one of my favorite accounts, and that turned out to be a huge mistake. Yesterday there was an apparent misunderstanding that should have been settled privately, but it was taken public instead, and a molehill was turned into Mount Everest, with followers from both affected accounts getting into screaming arguments from behind their keyboards. The whole thing disgusted and sickened me...I had considered Instagram my Happy Place, relatively free from the drama flung around on Facebook and Twitter, but I guess I wasn't following enough accounts. At any rate, the drama llamas were still stampeding today, and I am officially Over It All.

I'm taking a long breather from ALL of the Social Media outposts, perhaps a permanent one. I simply don't have the bandwidth right now to wade through drama llama stuff, not with my current situation. I don't like what we as a species are becoming under the influence of Social Media - so rigid and inflexible in what we believe is "Right." This is how Inquisitions get off the ground, just saying. The other main takeaway from all of this is: if you want to get people to lose their minds, talk about Money and Pursuing Your Dreams. That's all I'm going to say about that.

I have talked with my cats, and feel calmer now. I will go back to my offline activities, add in a few more, and find a different happy place, one far far away from the Internet, as soon as it stops raining. ;)

Day 141: on turbulence

Definitely a mixed emotional bag today. I took care of my monthly conference call, then settled into breakfast proper. I went back to the Morning Pages as I continued my process of detangling my thoughts. I checked in briefly with my East Coast bestie, who has been going through as much physically as I have emotionally over these past few years, and also seems to be on the steady road of improvement.

I started reorganizing at the foot of the bed, as I had intended to do. I also swept some floors (in the kitchen and mom's bathroom) while Himself followed up with mopping. The floors look much nicer now. I should have felt good, and I did - but every time I felt I was getting ahead, I would feel like I was falling behind and failing miserably in the next moment. The Tired is definitely catching up with me. 

We managed to get a little grocery shopping in today, but I wasn't able to get everything I needed. That and the fact that the Queen Mother doesn't like the frozen chicken strips I got for her the other day, and would prefer the fresh strips from Trader Joe's instead - except we didn't have quite enough money to get the fresh chicken today, and will have to wait until Monday. 

I try to remember it's partly her dementia, and partly being set in her ways. I still wind up taking her opinions way too personally, and if I allow myself, can jump down that rabbit hole of Not Good Enough really quickly. Today I allowed myself some comfort food and finished off my reorganizing efforts. Then I could allow myself to feel better. 

Himself and I are still debating about everything we're going to do tomorrow. I think I'm going to take a decluttering break until Monday, then figure out where I going to start picking up next.

Day 87: on disappointment

This was not the New Year's Eve that I had planned, to be honest...

I went down with Himself to the new temporary location of the Alano Club, where I helped with the "smudging party." Himself treated me to a tasty brunch. We stayed there a little longer than either of us expected, and that was apparently our mistake.

When we got home, the Queen Mother was in a mood as I got dinner ready. Let's just say we had a significant Difference of Opinion over the state of the house and of the household. Himself convinced me to stick with our plans to go to the NYE event we had been planning to attend, and we would simply return home a little earlier than expected. I agreed and we left, but I had a very bitter taste in my mouth over the argument.

The party was okay. Some tables had a wide selection of party favors, others were all but bare. The dinner was a Mexican-style buffet, and I got the vegetarian goodies. There was going to be a speaker before the comedian, but after the speaker was finished, Himself said he was done, as he had a headache and his back was bothering him. So we left.

I guess I was clinging too tightly to my expectations about tonight, and I guess I was more upset at leaving than I thought. I cried out my frustrations on the way home. We did agree to stop for some dessert before heading home, but the whole day - afternoon and evening - just did not go my way at all, and I wound up super frustrated. I suppose there's always next year; hopefully we'll have someone looking after the Queen Mother besides us!

I will be staying close to home tomorrow. Perhaps that will be my contemplative post. Tonight just stunk.

Day 26: on putting myself back together

It would be safe to say the day did not go as planned.

After my Morning Pages, but before breakfast, I checked my bank app to make sure some money Himself had deposited into my account had indeed arrived. Well, it had, but not before a check had bounced, one which I thought would go through today instead of yesterday, since I had not seen it Pending. But the cashing of the check had been attempted, it had failed, and "once again" I was dinged with an NSF fee. Sure, I can cover the check, but "once again," there are also other bills due, and "once again," I'm going to be all but broke before a week has passed. I could feel myself sliding down into Depression - but I chose to push forward.

I took a shower and got myself dressed. I advised Himself that I was ready to head out, and off we went. As we were getting ready to leave the main interstate highway for the state highway, Himself had to slam on the brakes because traffic ahead of us was coming to abrupt standstill; we later saw that a bus and a car had pulled to the side of the overpass connecting the two freeeways, and CHP was there as well.

Here's the thing: we didn't get into an accident, but I was looking down at the time; though we stopped, I felf myself moving forward, and all but saw/felt the airbag deploy. Here's the other thing: this was our second Near Miss in as many weeks.

So when we stopped at a Starbucks halfway between home and Questhaven, I was totally dialed in to Flight Mode, and I could NOT go forward in the day anymore. When I tried to talk myself out of it, I went into a full-blown Panic Attack instead.

I absolutely Do NOT break down and cry hysterically in public, unless I'm in the car. Inside the Starbucks, though, I came very close to losing it completely. At least I had the presence of mind to recognize my distress as a Panic Attack - maybe the second (or third?) time in my life I've experienced one. So we sat quietly for a time, Himself and I, attending to our respective beverages, until I had composed myself enough to walk out the door again.

Sometimes you push through. Sometimes you fall back. Sometimes you can figure out a compromise, and that's what I did...before we returned to the normal routines of the day, we paid a quick visit to Kit Carson Park, and the duck pond that I love so much. We managed a half an hour there in total. Today, an egret was paying a visit to the pond, viz:

Even though this wasn't the Big Outing in Nature I had promised myself, this small slice proved enough to soothe my jarred spirits for today. I have also rescheduled my Big Outing for next Wednesday, when the timing feels equally fortuitous, if not a bit more so. :)

I finished my business in the outside world with a bit of grocery shopping, grabbing some food & necessities while we had the cash to do so. I even treated myself to some cucumber sushi and seaweed salad for a late lunch. I have since eaten dinner and will soon be coloring one of my mandalas, gentle music playing via Pandora, and Pippa by my side. Thus I finish the process of Putting Myself Back Together, for today.

I am grateful for the flexibility to change my plans when the need arises. I am grateful we're okay and the car is okay. I am grateful for black tea with lemonade and healthy tasty things. I am grateful for the presence of the duck pond so close to home. I am grateful that tomorrow is a new day. I count my Blessings, and I am complete.

Day 14: on finishing a busy day

I am feeling tired on several levels, but here I am in my commitment, checking in.

The flow of the day went well enough. Himself got to his appointments, and I got the Queen Mother to her doctor's appointment. In her case, we are going to stay the course, for now. She has been experiencing more pain as the weather has gotten colder. If she needs to take her pain meds, we will get her a stool softener to take with those meds, to see if we can avoid a repeat experience of the gastrointestinal "roller coaster" she rode a month ago.

Part of why I'm tired now is because the Queen Mother was in a foul mood when she woke up and came out of her room. She despises going anywhere outside the home, mainly because going to and fro is a significant physical challenge. Every bump in the road, every jolt of uneven pavement, causes her pain. Of course, as her dutiful daughter, I'm trying to keep everything flowing as smoothly as possible. We made it to the doctor's office and back again today, but - whew!

Part of why I'm tired is that tomorrow I am most likely going to accompany Himself on a quick trip to LA, helping a friend get to LAX. I found myself super triggered by the idea: Why do I have to Sacrifice my precious time? Why am I making All Of The Sacrifices? How much more do I have to Sacrifice before I/we can emerge from the LACK I/we have been swimming in, sometimes just managing to keep my/our head/s above water? I wound up emotionally vomiting all over Himself on our way to our weekly meetings this evening, but he didn't get angry. He just assured me that everything was going to be okay; and after a while, I did start to feel better - but not before I had done some soul-deep venting.

Fortunately, the day is over, and I can mark this day as done. Tomorrow will be a fresh new opportunity... :)

Day 10: on walking the tightrope

Mixed emotions today.

I was faced with needing to change plans on the fly, a rude driver on the freeway, getting nowhere trying to navigate an automated phone menu - and then being put on hold forever, feeling the need to eat but needing to do another errand or two to get home...just little annoyances when looked at individually. My challenge is, though I could have let it all go in the past, my capacities for not taking life so seriously have significantly diminished.

Call it a fervent wish for Life to go my way "for once," call it a need to be In Control and On Point at all times, call it being worn down by the vagaries of Fate over the past few years; whatever it is, I know my ability to walk that tightrope by myself has diminished, and that I need a few more cheerleaders on my Pep Squad these days. Himself has been wonderful in this regard, and does his level best to help keep me afloat. I am grateful for that. I think I'm finally ready to start telling my truth faster, as SARK would say. If you're not familiar with her work, look her up. She is amazeballs!

I'm going to conclude here. I'm done with today. Tomorrow will definitely be a better day. :)