Day 299: on establishing a theme

The theme of this week seems to be Flexibility.

Himself's money was deposited in his account today, so after his eye appointment, we were going to pay some bills and do an in-depth grocery run. The Universe, apparently, had other ideas: while we were having lunch, a call went out from the Alano Club (where Himself is still an active member) for someone to cover the evening shift tonight. Himself was the only person free to do that, so I needed to drive him down, because his pupils were still rather dilated from his exam. It reminded me of having the on-call pager at the answering service, back in the day: if you had it, and it went off, you either had to find someone who could cover the shift or you would have to go in yourself. No one liked having the pager for their assigned week.

For the record, everything in his eyeballs is relatively stable at this point. He does have the beginnings of cataracts, but at this time it's no biggie. We both managed to score some decent "free sunglasses," though I can't read anything when I'm wearing mine.

At any rate, I wasn't able to use our transponder to take advantage of the carpool lanes on the 15, because only carpoolers were able to use the lanes for the Northbound "evening" commute. I wasn't too delayed in getting home, but I did need to get the Queen Mother's dinner ready right after I walked in the door. She informed me that our next door neighbors dropped off a whole Rotisserie chicken for us while we were out. I was floored; the carnivores of the family would eat well tonight, and tomorrow too.

Personally, I'm in my tenth year of vegetarianism, and easing my way back into veganism. It works for me.

I picked himself up a little while ago, and he stopped into Target to get some water. He also got me a bit of dark chocolate as a token of sympathy for my challenging commute home. I appreciated it very much.

Hopefully the flux of the week will settle down a bit tomorrow. Good news, Mercury has stationed direct. Woohoo! Now I will dip my toe back into social media and catch up with the latest foster kittens! Human babies don't do a whole lot for me, but I swear some of those super cute kitten videos have made me ovulate! ;)

Day 298: on a necessary flexibility

Plans were in flux again today, as the amount of gas in ze tank was very much an issue. Some plans were changed, others were kept, and still others were added. 

Basically, Cardiac rehab was out (for today), the Queen Mother's shower was in, and we ran to Trader Joe's to secure some dinner (and breakfast) items. 

Tomorrow is an actual early day for us, as Himself is going to get his pupils dilated, and I will be the designated driver. Fun times! ;)

Day 297: on pulling it together

I started doing some Spritual work today, to see if I could strengthen my connection to Divinity and the magick of the Unseen. Today I read up on Persephone, for She is the aspect I have been resonating with quite a bit in this wild Odyssey of mine.

Himself brought some recycling home yesterday, and took it to our favorite recyclers today. Adding our can collection to what he brought home, we got a nice bit of change which went into the gas tank, and helped to buy some much needed groceries. We're looking pretty good now to finish the month.

We also switched around a few things this week, so we're in for some "early" days ahead. Looks like I'll need to practice my Imitation of a Morning Person, which I did pretty well in the days of College and Working, for it's gotten a bit rusty. I'm looking forward to getting back in the Exercise saddle besides Himself. I've found that I've dropped a bit more weight, and am just about where I was when this Caregiver odyssey began. It's been moving my body here, trimming a few calories there...and my clothes are starting to fit better as well.

For those who joined me this year: a Healthy Weight has been a challenge for me all of my life. When I met Himself, I was about 40 pounds less than I am now, having radically restrucured my eating habits. I was all but vegan, and was a Medium size for the first time in my life in clothes. (Looking back, I also see I was on the verge of becoming anorexic, so I'm glad I met someone who enjoys food as much as I do.)

Between Himself's cancer adventure, and then the Queen Mother's mind adventures added on top of that, I went on an emotional eating spree, replacing all of the weight I had dropped in previous years, and then some. It's only been within the last few months that I have returned to healthier ways of eating for me and my body type, and I am both seeing and feeling the difference.

Tomorrow begins the fun. I might, or might not, be a bit sarcastic right now. ;)

Day 296: on stoking the fires of Hope

Today I attended a free call from my friend Leonie about Ten Habits of Abundance. It was a good checklist to help get me back on track. It was also good to recognize some familiar names joining me on the group call. I won't be buying her e-course, as it's basically pay for that or pay our electric bill, and the electric bill is going to win. However, it was a good Energy Infusion that I sorely needed.

I was inspired to take a moment to review some of the Shadow Work I had previously done. Some of the messages I have been getting: Persevere. Trust. Believe it to See it. Reconnect to your Mystic Self. I have seen my obstacles not vanish, but change form and become easier to work with and through. I have also seen how Caregiving might appear to be the "Be All-End All" in my life, but it's only ONE aspect of my life. (Thank you Andrea!)

Something shifted due to my partaking of the energy, for we received a small money miracle this evening. This just might be what we need to carry us through the next few days until we receive the next automatic deposits on August First, or thereabout. Tonight I am grateful and thinking there just might be something to these Messages I've been receiving... ;)

Day 295: on a long siesta

The siesta is the mid-day rest one finds in Spain and other civilized countries. ;)

Today has been one long siesta. Overall, I am grateful for the rest.

The temperatures are supposed to start cooling down tomorrow, so I might actually get "something useful" done.

Day 294: on ending with hope

Before my official Tea and Morning Pages time, I got a call back from the folks who are already helping us, Jewish Family Services, this time from the woman who helps with Alzheimer's - and other dementia - patients and their families. We had a good conversation and did a bit of brainstorming over the phone. I have an appointment to see her next month, and some "homework" to do in the meantime. Though nothing she suggested might actually play out, speaking with her this morning gave me an infusion of Hope. I updated my to-do lists and actually have some action steps to take next week.

The rest of the day was fairly calm...a quick grocery run to fortify us through the weekend, Himself departing for San Diego, making dinner for the Queen Mother, then myself. I napped briefly afterwards, and have kept it low-key this evening.

Himself is not doing well with the heat, and this is the second time he has put off a Cardiac session until later due to his sinus headache. He has to be careful, lest it bloom into a migrane. I'm considering a trip to SDG&E, or a phone call at the very least, to see if his cardiac issues (for which he needs to run the air conditioning more) might qualify us for a further discount. I'm already dreading the electric bill for this month.

We might work out tomorrow, we might not. It will depend on how Himself feels.

Day 293: on wading through the molasses

I ran out of my regular chai tea I get from Trader Joe's, so I needed to sniff around in my tea tins. I found a bag with a couple of teabags from (I believe) the Republic of Tea company. I don't know what flavor it was, but it was very tasty. It went very well with my Morning Pages today.

I needed all of the delights I could get, for today was a Heavy day off and on. My Depression is convinced that this is as good as it's going to get, so Giving Up would be a good idea. I steadfastly ignored it and did some decent Adulting instead: updating my to-do list, sorting through mail, dealing with paperwork, making return phone calls.

I managed to get a hold of a woman in the PACE program that St. Paul's church runs. (No, you don't have to be Catholic to benefit. They helped out my local uncle and his family and he was Presbyterian.) They primarily help with medical support, and some adult day care. I am bookmarking them because the Queen Mother doesn't need that level of help at this moment - and getting her over to a daycare situation would be challenging at best, with her chronic pain issues.

Himself was invited to speak at a meeting tonight, so I went with him. Getting out actually helped lighten me up a bit, as I felt a bit more Reconnected with life and the world. He will need the car tomorrow, as he will be pinch-hitting at the Club for an evening shift, so I will be staying home. I'm going to try to see about tackling the kitchen and a bit of recycling, which should, in turn, help my frame of mind. 

Day 292: on dealing with the "july fry"

We have officially hit the hot time of the year in my part of SoCal. Temperatures are in the low-to-mid 90's these days, and with some humidity factored in, it feels closer to triple digit heat. It's not like it is east of the Rockies, with temps in the 90's (and above!) with humidity to match, but for those who aren't fond of the heat, it's bad enough. 

Today Himself had a laundry list of things to do, starting with, appropriately enough, the laundry. His plans wound up changing fairly radically in the heat, and he wound up paring way back in his activities. I've called him "my Penguin" since I met him (he never liked heat to begin with), but after his heart attack earlier this year, his heat intolerance has gotten worse.

This wouldn't be too bad but for the fact that the Queen Mother loves the heat, since her osteoarthritis calms down enough for her to be out of constant pain. Were it strictly up to her, we might very well be living in the desert right now. All this means is that the thermostat argument is a bit more (ahem) heated these days.

Himself wisely waited until it had cooled down somewhat before going to his Cardiac session; I'm almost ready to return myself, as my Moonflow is nearly done. (Thank you perimenopause!) For dinner I indulged in my comfort food of macaroni and cheese today, with my usual salad. I took a break from my Shadow Work this evening, allowing for what I have done to process. 

Tomorrow is an open day. Right now I feel like I might try to gather up some loose ends that have been lying around for several days. Hopefully that will carry over to the next day.

Day 291: on clearing a path through

We actually got up and going in plenty of time to make it down to San Diego to the Compensation and Pension building, so well that we were actually a few minutes early for once. I had taken my mandala coloring book, but my mind was not in the mood to cooperate, so I wound up looking at all of the pretty pages I had already colored instead.

When Himself was called back, the doctor who met us at least appeared to be sympathetic to our cause, especially when he shared that both of his parents had been forced to "correct" their left-handedness when they were growing up, which is still one of the stupidest things I have ever heard of. After half an hour of questioning, along with a brief examination of both Himself and his records, the doctor sounded pretty confident that Himself would indeed be Certified in his left hand - and that the Carpal Tunnel was indeed traceable back to his time in active duty in the Navy. 

After we left the Compensation and Pension folks, it was off to breakfast at Denny's. We had just enough to get some coffee (for Himself) and tea (for Myself) and a short stack of pancakes for each of us, thanks to their "cheap eats" menu. As we were waiting for our pancakes, Himself's Veteran's attorney called, and they discussed the situation. The next step will be for the VA to send Himself a Statement of the Case, which he will share with the attorney, and then the next round of arguing can begin.

Himself had more Club business to attend to, and I was not really feeling up to accompanying him on adventures that might not finish in a timely manner. I honored my No by voicing it, and he honored my No by taking me home. The Queen Mother was finishing up her breakfast when we arrived, then Himself went back down to the Club.

While mom went online to read and respond to her emails, then played some Solitaire, I had myself my promised nap. I woke up in time to help her with her shower, which she takes once a week; more often is too painful for her these days. Once she had lotion applied to her back and legs, I thought I would go back to napping, but it seems I was good to go, so I did a bit of Shadow Work instead through some timed writing exercises. I have felt so frustrated by Ambiguity in my life, I wanted to find out Why. I found the real cause of my frustrations, and have some new prompts to work with. More to be revealed later...

I finished up in time for dinner for everyone, cats and people alike, and wound up having spaghetti (with a side salad; I try to have a salad with most every dinner) this evening. Himself came home a bit earlier than usual, so it's been a restful evening. We shall see what wants to unfold tomorrow, and whether any plans need to change.

Day 290: on deep quiet

Himself arrived home late last night, so we both agreed we were going to sleep in this morning, and figure out breakfast after we awoke. We did and we did, as there was just enough cereal left for all three of us to partake. The cats, of course, had other ideas, and woke me up well before the alarm went off for our breakfast, but I did come back to bed after they had received theirs.

Once we were awake enough, Himself and I went out to get more cereal, and cat food, and a few other things. He returned home long enough to drop me off, then took off again for his Cardiac session and Club business. I stayed home and rested. Mom was reading, the cats were occupying themselves, and I noticed a Deep Quiet settle in the house. I wasn't particularly sleepy today - a little odd, considering it's the most vigorous part of my Moonflow - but I felt my spirit soaking it up like a sponge. More of this, with thanks, I recall thinking. 

My Morning Pages became "Afternoon Pages" today, because my mind was in no mood to create coherent sentences when I first woke up. I did enjoy my usual Chai Tea Latte, though. 

I finished off the rice I had steamed yesterday, pairing it with a bean and cheese burrito. I am feeling the need for a little extra iron and am eating accordingly.  Himself is having a late dinner, so I steamed some more rice for him while he was on his way home. I wish I could record and share smells on the blog, because the veggie broth makes everything smell so Divine when the rice is just about done. You'll just have to use your imagination. ;)

Tomorrow we have to get up rather early for the all important Compensation and Pension appointment. Pray hard that this is truly the beginning of the end for Himself's fight for rightful compensation! Regardless, I look forward to some luxurious napping when we're done!

Day 289: on expanding my horizons a little

Himself got up and moving early, and I only got up to feed the cats before returning to bed. I didn't get up until the Queen Mother had left her bathroom.

It's a sure sign that things are heating up when the cats stay in more than they are out, at least at mid-day. I wouldn't want to run around in a fur coat that I couldn't take off either.

What makes the cats (and Himself) miserable makes the Queen Mother (and Myself) happy: the hot weather makes her arthritis more tolerable, and seems to give me an energy boost. There's a reason I call myself a Jaguar. I am so totally affected by the seasons it isn't even funny.

Despite starting my monthly adventure in the Moontime, I got all of the trash out and took care of the recycling: some in the blue bins by the dumpster, some in the blue bins outside of our house. The latter we empty out periodically and recycle their contents for cash.

We've run a bit short on water, so I had to figure out what to have for dinner that didn't involve it. (Unfortunately, our tap water is not the best for drinking.) I steamed some rice in vegetable broth in our rice cooker, and opened up a can of "Black Bean Fiesta" from Bush's. It was seasoned just right, and was mighty tasty after I added the rice and put together a salad for good measure. I had not planned on cooking for myself, but improvised very nicely.

I'm back to listening to music on Pandora, the same "exotic" station I was listening to last night. I haven't heard some of these songs for a while, and I am enjoying hearing some of the subtleties I missed previously.

I have no idea as to what will unfold tomorrow, or this next week, so I shall be playing it by ear, as usual.

Day 288: on taking advantage, once more

Had an easy day today. :)

Managed to keep Himself at home long enough to run over to Target and grab some things that the Queen Mother had run out of; got some iced tea while we were at it. Then Himself went back down to San Diego to see if there were any other fires to put out, while I stayed home.

I finished coloring my mandala, but didn't post it. Not sure if I will in the future. While coloring, I turned on Pandora and listened to some music, first the Meditation station we had "created," then some Middle Eastern / Indian music from another station, when I felt like picking up the pace a little.

Besides listening to Pandora, I did something else that I hadn't done in too long: took my little portable chair and sat Outside under the maple tree that is in front of our home. The cats stayed near me while I put my bare feet on the grassy lawn and listened to the birdsong and watched butterflies flit by - all because I rescued a grasshoper that Inkblot had brought in the house, and thought it was way too nice of a day to let go to waste! Let me see if I can cut through the cortisol haze and sit outside more often!

Tomorrow Himself will be going Yet Again to San Diego, so I will see about making it a day for some Huswifery! I really need to tackle the mess again.

Day 287: on shaking off the eclipse hangover

I started the return journey to myself, three days after the lunar eclipse shook up my second house. I took a deep dive into the Morning Pages, and felt my mind clear out and my attitude lighten up as I wrote. I have taken several deep dives in the Pages as of late; not surprising, as a lot has been on my mind.

We also (finally!) saw some Movement in Himself's cases: the VA Compensation and Pension folks have scheduled an appointment to see him early next week, to evaluate the "non existent" carpal tunnel in his left hand. His personal injury attorney then called with news that he had received a bill from the VA. As soon as Himself looks it over and makes sure they aren't trying to sneak on extra expenses, that case can finally progress as well. 

The movement I managed to do today was the laundry, for the Queen Mother and myself. I have to take everything to the laundromat to dry because, as I've mentioned previously, our dryer gave up the ghost last month. As I sat and waited, I colored some more of the mandala that I started during Himself's doctor's appointments earlier in the week. Whenever small children come in to the laundromat, they are absolutely fascinated to see an adult coloring in a coloring book. ;)

We had to skip our Friday meetings this week as Himself had some pressing business to attend to; even the Cardiac session is "rescheduled" for tomorrow. This is good because I can get back into the exercise saddle and start working out with him again.I didn't want to fall into the pattern of skipping two sessions, then four, then suddenly find myself not going anymore, which would be all too easy to do!

I did some more mandala coloring this evening, then quit. Perhaps I will finish it over the weekend. Other than the Cardiac session, I don't have any plans.

Day 286: on getting some answers

Getting up three days in a row (relatively) early is not my cup of tea, especially when I feel like I'm back to carrying the weight of the world upon my shoulders, so I'll cut to the chase...

Good news: the Queen Mother's liver panel came back normal (no hepatitis), though the ultrasound revealed that she had gallstones. It's not life-threatening, though.

Great news: Himself is still in remission. There is one nodule in his belly area that looks a bit suspicious, even though it shrunk (according to the latest CT scan), so they want to do another PET scan next time just to be on the safe side. The doctors were not super worried, though.

A miracle: Himself and I paid a visit "across the way" to one of his friends who underwent brain surgery yesterday. Today he was alive, and awake, and talking, and eating! The wonders of modern medicine are underestimated at one's peril.

It was a long day of collecting test results and appointments, and I didn't make my support group. We arrived home at 4:45, but after feeding the cats and getting the Queen Mother's dinner ready, it was a choice between going to the support group and fixing my own dinner. Food is going to win Every Time, as it did here.

That wraps up today, so now I'm going to bed and will see what is most needful to be done tomorrow.

Day 285: on resettting

The cats woke me up before the alarm went off, as their bellies were wanting to be filled with breakfast. I turned on my phone after I fed them, and there was a message from Dr. M's office: today was good to go with a 10:15am appointment for the Queen Mother's ultrasound. Even when I gave her a head's up at 8:30, we barely managed to make it there on time.

The ultrasound went off without too much of a hitch. The biggest challenge was in getting the Queen Mother up on and down from the bed, but the tech and I managed that quite well. I'm neither a doctor nor a tech, so I have no real idea of what I was looking at on the screen, but my intuition was telling me something was not quite right. The tech said she couldn't give us any indications one way or another, but she said the radiologist would look at all the pretty gray pictures later on.

After we were done in Radiology, we went back up to Labcorp to get the additional blood drawn for testing. The good news, we waited only half an hour this time, and the Queen Mother passed much of the time in conversation with one of the other patients. The bad news: I didn't know until I looked in her purse that she had removed her wallet with her ID cards in it, so I didn't have any identification for her. Forturnately, between giving the receptionist her birthdate and the fact that we had visited there the week before, they were able to pull up her records and Dr. M's orders. The blood was drawn and we returned home.

After I got mom's breakfast together, I had some cheese and nuts for a lunchtime snack, then pretty well crashed. I had faced enough and my brain insisted upon a nap. So while Himself went to his next Cardiac session, I joined the Queen Mother and the cats in an extended siesta. Saturday's plans unfolded, in part, today, and I did not object.

Tomorrow Himself has a couple of appointments, including the all important Oncology Follow Up, at the VA Medical Center, so I will be getting up early-ish once more. There will be a caregiver support group in the afternoon, which I will try very hard to make. I am definitely needing a check in with my peeps!

Day 284: on another swerve

For once, Mercury Retrograde worked in my favor: Dr. M's office called just after I woke to call them, and both of us agreed that the possible ultrasound appointment at 10:15 am wouldn't work. We will try the game again tomorrow morning, and I asked them pretty please to call my cell number first!

I took a shower and washed my hair, had my tea and Morning Pages, and got ready to go to our friend's place for lunch. The lunch itself was lovely, and we did get some help that we gratefully received.

Now the swerve: we left my friend's place sans rear windshield. Yup, it's totally busted. Himself emptied the car of all things valuable when we got home, and we have rigged an improvised cover with some plastic and duct tape. We have also filed a claim with AAA to see what can be done, and how much money will need to be spent. Worst case, we will have to wait till August 1st to pay for everything.

I did manage to remain calm, but that's only because my brain locked up and stayed that way for about 20 minutes afterwards. Then it was some resigned acceptance: sure, let's add this to the ongoing Dumpster Fire, why not! At this point, a meteor could fall on our condo and I would just shrug and accept it, albeit with a dramatic sigh - Par for the course! Himself is trying to keep a stiff upper lip as well, but it's starting to quiver.

Staying in bed all day Saturday sounds like an excellent plan. In the meantime, there's another Cardiac session tomorrow. Maybe then I'll be in a mood to smash my records on the machines once more. As the song goes, "If it weren't for bad luck, (we) would have no luck at all!"

Day 283: on a furious flip-flop day

Lots of Seat of the Pants choices that needed to be made! We started out with one agenda and wound up with another. The Cardiac session was the only thing that didn't wind up changing. We added weight training to the aerobic components today; Himself has his own ideas as to what to tone up, but I want to start working on my "chicken wings," those gathering places of fat from 'pit to elbow, and see if I can't shrink them just a bit. 

As we were starting on our way home, Dr. M's office called the home number, NOT my cell number, and left a message asking if we could bring the Queen Mother in tomorrow morning at 10:15? Not only did I not receive the message until after 5:00, when it was too late for me to return the call, I have told them, several times, my cell phone is the best way to reach me! I have half a mind to tell them to get rid of the landline number entirely!

At any rate, I will wake up when the cats want First Breakfast (or 8am, whichever comes first), and call them to say that Won't Work, as we had already said yes to another commitment (which will help us out quite a bit!) because we didn't know about their request. I'm also halfway ready to ask them to refer us out to a nearby Radiology center with a more open schedule!

I'm hoping to get a few more phone calls made tomorrow as well, once we are home and settled in the afternoon. I know I'll be able to work it all out - having said that, I needed a bit of extra Quiet Time this evening after fixing the Queen Mother's dinner and eating my own, and then digesting. A lot of change in a short period of time left my head spinning, and I needed to Decompress.

Tomorrow will be a good day, whatever chooses to unfold for us.

Day 282: on trying to catch my breath

Himself felt better after sleeping off most of most of his migrane, and talked me into visiting our Sunday Support Group. We were later than usual, but we made it, and it did feel good to check in and be witnessed.

Afterwards, we did some grocery shopping today so we wouldn't have to worry about running around tomorrow, post Cardiac session. There are still a few things I will need to get, but not too much.

I have felt very Heavy much of the day. At one point I realized that I was missing the life that I had before Himself's cancer experience, before the unraveling of the Queen Mother's mind. Though I cried most of my tears yesterday, I found a few more today, and let them flow. 

Right now my main concern is to figure out what, if anything, is going on with the Queen Mother. Second to that is to get the All Clear for another three months from Himself's oncologist. These are the things I am going to focus on this week, and whatever else I can get done will be a bonus. 

Back to the grind tomorrow...

Day 281: on sliding in sideways

First, let me backtrack to yesterday...

It was time for Himself's quarterly blood draw and CT scan with contrast, to make sure the cancer is still in remission. I should have guessed it was going to be a wild day when I saw Northbound I-15 was closed due to a gnarly traffic accident; it was later revealed that someone had been on the freeway and hit by several cars (!!) I don't know the latest details, but traffic northbound, as of about 8am yesterday morning, was. not. moving. Fortunately we were going southbound, but we were still delayed because 1) of looky-loo syndrome 2) during the Friday morning commute.

Anyway, we got to the VA at 8:45am. Himself went up and got his port accessed and the blood drawn, and set up for the iodine injection. We got down to Radiology at 9:10am and didn't think there would be an issue. He didn't get scanned until nearly 11am, partly because the Radiology folks were waiting on the lab results, and partly because one of the machines went down and had to be fixed / coaxed back to life. Fortunately, I had brought along a protein bar with my mandala book, so I wasn't completely starving, but I definitely appreciated lunch: personal veggie pizza with a kale salad. A little naughty, a little nice. ;)

After that, we went back up to get the tubing removed and the port sterilized for another month or so, then back down to the Pharmacy. They, too, were busy, as we had a bit of a wait until they called Himself's number. He filed his Travel reimbursement request for the previous month's Cardiac Rehab sessions while we waited. I suppose it was worth it, as they didn't just refill the one prescription he needed, they gave him a kit-and-caboodle's worth of meds! That I will sort out later. By the time all was said and done, it was about 1:40pm when we finally left the VA and made our way just a bit north to Scripps La Jolla. I had just about finished coloring in the mandala I had been working upon. I finished it today and posted it to my Messenger Stories, if you're interested.

We had thought we were going to arrive at the Rehab session earlier than usual; instead, we were a bit later than usual. Our workout wound up being about half the length it's usually been, though, because Himself's leg was acting up. He is going to have someone take a look at his leg to make sure there isn't a blood clot involved. We got out at about 3:35pm, but between a delay in getting out of the parking lot and wending our way home through Friday Evening Commute traffic, we didn't get home until about 5:15. I still had dinner to get ready for the Queen Mother and myself before we left for our weekly meetings! At least we got to them in a timely manner. We got home about 10pm, and I was too wiped to do any significant thinking or writing, hence yesterday's brief post.

Today I had a conference call at 10am, which I managed to wake up in time for. Unlike previous calls, there was a LOT of drama that unfolded. By the time we finally wrapped up business at 1:45 this afternoon (we normally finish by 12!), I was hungry and angry - not a good combination. I started crying and I could. not. stop. I suspect it really wasn't the drama of the call, but more the fact that this has been a very trying week for me, and I took the "opportunity" to have the good cry that I've been needing to have for a while. I needed some eyedrops afterwards to soothe my eyeballs. I also got around to eating, finally.

Before I wrote this blog, I thought I had found a video to watch about hammerhead sharks (one of my favorite things, because I'm weird), but the buffering on the tablet was even worse than the buffering on my phone, which was bad enough! Once again, Mercury Retrograde can kiss my arse, thank you very little!

Tomorrow I have been invited to volunteer at Pride at the Recovery Village. I'm not sure if I'm going. I've been before, and had a blast, but this year I'm concerned about the Queen Mother, and there's a part of me that would rather stay home and do some work on the computer. I'm still thinking about it, and will let y'all know what I choose to do tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm going to use more eyedrops.

Day 280: on saving it for the morrow

Today turned out to be a very long day. I am "napping" while waiting on the Queen Mother to be ready for bed.

Tomorrow I will be forthcoming. Tonight I am checking in, leaving this, and proceeding to sleep posthaste.

Day 279: on feeling flabbergasted

I end this day flabbergasted and at a bit of a loss for ideas...

The day started with a call from Dr. M's office: the Queen Mother's liver results were abnormal. He wants to do further bloodwork and get the ultrasound done sooner than early August. Checking with Radiology, there was an appointment tomorrow, but it was at the same time as Himself's quarterly CT scan, so that wasn't going to work. I left that situation with them looking either for another "stat" Radiology opening or another place that they can refer us out to. 

On a deep level, I realize I have been waiting for "the other shoe to drop." Himself had his heart attack a couple of months ago, and I've wondered when it would be the Queen Mother's "turn." This might be it. Whatever happens, I'll handle it like I've handled everything else so far.

I made my phone calls but wound up playing a bit of phone tag with them. If I get home too late tomorrow, I'll simply try again on Tuesday. I did reach someone at the Consumer Center, which helps out with Medi-Cal challenges. After explaining my situation, I was informed that it was actually Social Security who needed to certify the Queen Mother as disabled! She might have been certified as a teenager (with all of her surgeries on her legs), but that would have been way back in the late 50's / early 60's. Let's just say I'm not holding my breath in finding any records for her from that long ago! I could still continue with my current plan of gathering key documents, but it's a much longer shot for her to get approved without Social Security's previous seal of approval. 

The other option is to go back and see if I can add any sort of "supplemental" insurance that would basically be equivalent to the Queen Mother's Medicare Part B payment. THAT is what is messing us up: if Social Security deducts it, the Queen Mother is just under the Poverty Line; if the state pays it, she goes back over the Poverty Line by that exact amount.

Although I'm not sure of my next move, I know it would be incredibly foolish to cancel the Medicare Part B membership, because that covers (basically) everything outside the hospital and a few things in the hospital. Beyond that, though, I'm clueless in this moment. 

I know that tomorrow is Himself's turn, as (I mentioned earlier) it's time for his quarterly CT scan, preceding his quarterly Oncology follow up appointment next week. So my plan right now is to take the weekend to have a good think over everything, then take the next indicated step, whatever that might be. 

Nobody said this would be easy, but it would have been nice if I had been given warning about how Challenging this would be! 

Day 278: on powering through

I took a deep dive in the Morning Pages today. Most of the time I can only manage one page, though when I have more time in the morning, I can often whip out two. Now and again, I manage to do the three pages that are recommended. Today was a three-page day; I was about to wind down, but a bit of Frustration needed a platform to be witnessed, so I let my pen continue to flow across the paper until it was done. 

The gist of the Frustration: my biggest drain in Caregiving is not Physical; it's Mental. It's having to remember to be patient when I'm trying to say something to the Queen Mother for the fifth time before she can understand me. It's having to remind Himself of things he needs to do, because the Traumatic Brain Injury has ruined his (short-term) memory. It's having to keep track of what appointment is coming up next, and what tasks need to be handled next - which is why I'm a list making fiend. Sometimes I feel like I need a (virtual) secretary to help keep track of everything!

Be it venting in the Morning Pages, or be it having two days in a row of significant errand-running, I felt Depression on the other side of the mental door, wanting to persuade me how it would be So Much Better to Stay Home and Let Go of All the Responsibility. I got in touch with the Anger that was wanting to turn inward and let it out in my workout today. Once again, I crushed it on the various machines, burning the calories and breaking a decent sweat. Today I got my Hardcore Sparkle on. ;)

Once again, we got a bit of a late start out the door, so once again, we were rather late getting back to the house. The Queen Mother grumbled a little bit, but not too much. After dinner I finally relented and had a bit of a nap, then colored in my mandala book when I woke back up, finishing up one mandala (which I posted in my Messenger Stories) and worked some more on another one. I've drifted away from the coloring, and I want to get back into it on a more regular basis.

Tomorrow there are no appointments, so it feels like a good time to tie off some loose ends of a domestic nature, and perhaps finally get around to returning those phone calls I received late last week! At least I won't have to jump out of bed in the morning...

Day 277: on staying atop the waves

This morning, instead of doing the Morning Pages, I played a game called "Sorting Through the Queen Mother's Medical Records." In this second run-through, I actually found a handful of records from 2002-2003, so I took these with me to her appointment.

I was very proud of her when she spoke up and said directly to Dr. M. that she was experiencing nausea; I chimed in and said that her "episodes" were becoming more frequent and more intense. When Dr. M. pressed upon the left side of her abdomen, she admitted to feeling some pain. He then wanted her to get some blood drawn for labs and for us to schedule an ultrasound for her stomach and liver. We went around the corner to visit the "vampires" of Labcorp; fortunately, the Queen Mother tolerated their air conditioning better this time around, partly because we weren't stuck there for an hour! Once her blood had been drawn, we went down to Radiology to schedule her ultrasound. Dr. M. also wanted a Bone Density test next month; I lucked out and managed to schedule both appointments on the same day. In the meantime, she was given an antinausea medication to take as needed.

Before we left the doctor's office, I mentioned to him my challenge in getting the Queen Mother registered in the Working Disabled Program, and showed him the documents I had found. Although she didn't start seeing Dr. M. until 2005, he had his internship under the doctor she was seeing at that time. At any rate, not only did he advise me which of the documents would be helpful, I ALSO got a letter from him supporting our cause. I don't think Dr. M's letter will be sufficient in and of itself, but I can include an affidavit from me, along with a few other records I've been told would be useful. Now I just have to get it all pulled together and pay a visit to the County Office!

At any rate, when the Queen Mother's current appointment was finished and her future appointments were set, Himself and I took her home, then went to pay the bills I was going to pay yesterday, but wasn't able to till today. Between some road construction on the main thoroughfare, and an accident on the Southbound 15, traffic was a hairy mess. Nevertheless, the bills got paid, and we swung by Trader Joe's to grab some quick dinner. 

Once my dinner was finished, I joined the Queen Mother at the dining room table in eating. She had been asking me to eat with her more often; today I was able to do that. I've spent the rest of the evening putting the her medical records we have received in chronological order. I don't know if I'll be using anything else that we have, but at least we have it. 

The pace will slow a bit tomorrow, as Himself "only" has a Cardiac session scheduled. I might get around to some of the phone calls I need to make tomorrow; if I don't, there's always Thursday, which has nothing scheduled at the moment. :)

Day 276: on a promising start

I'm not sure if I hit the ground running, exactly, but it was fluid movement from task to task today, so that was a good thing.

While Himself was on the computer after showers and breakfasts, I made an "Executive Decision" to go get cat food and other essentials By Myself. This way, I could address my latent Time Anxiety by doing what I needed to do and not have to worry about waiting on anyone else before getting to the doing. That part was successful.

Once I got back home, Himself was ready to go, so we stopped off at the credit union. I dropped off my paperwork and got some money for bills, and he disputed a payment that was withdrawn from his account without his consent. Though the bills were ready to go, they didn't get paid today. One day more or less won't make a huge difference, though.

Himself and I got good workouts in today. I wound up working out for the equivalent of four miles: one on the cross trainer, one on the recumbent elliptical, one on the hand bike, half a mile on the stationary bike, and half a mile on the treadmill. I am beginning to challenge myself on some of the machines now. 

Though we are officially in "Vacation Season," there were a couple of accidents in the carpool lanes, so we had to take surface streets to bypass the worst of the traffic. By the time we finished the latest Cardiac session and navigated our way home, it was nearly 6:00! Fortunately the Queen Mother wasn't too upset, as she isn't quite back to feeling her usual self. I set about to get her dinner together, then made myself some spaghetti dinner with a nice salad.

I had a good start today, even if I spent some decent time juggling all of the tasks I need to see about getting done this week. Moving on to tomorrow, and the Queen Mother's next doctor's appointment!

Day 275: on getting my act together

My plans changed today when the Queen Mother arose briefly, said she was not feeling well at all, and went back to bed. I made her some Jello and stayed home with her while Himself went to our Sunday support group. I enjoyed some egg sandwiches I made for myself, and I also made one for Himself as well.

The Queen Mother seemed to get better as the day went on, and had a bit more to eat. I am getting concerned, though, since these weird "spells" of hers are getting more frequent and more intense. They might also be tied to insomnia, as she mentioned that she didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Fortunately we have a doctor's appointment for her already scheduled for Tuesday, so we will definitely be bringing this up in conversation.

In truth, I was glad to stay home today, because I needed to get myself together and make the copies of the necessary paperwork that I am going to be dropping off tomorrow at the Credit Union. Yesterday I pulled together everything I needed to make copies of, which turned out not to be as hard as I thought it would be.

Not only did I finish off that task, but I also updated one of my budget spreadsheets and pulled the call log for the last few months. These items are for our legal and financial advisor, who may or may not become a significant player in all of this. We have an appointment to revisit her next Monday.

Tomorrow shall feature a visit to the credit union for both myself and Himself, to discuss a few matters and get some cash to pay a couple of bills. Then I will have a better idea of where I stand for the rest of the month. After all of the adulting is finished, we will head down for the next Cardiac session. I am looking forward to these workouts now, as I feel they are helping me to improve in both body and mind. 

Perseverance is my new word now. As Himself attempts to get positive results for his cases, I am doing my own legwork, focusing on getting some help for the Queen Mother (and myself if at all possible). I need to keep going and play out this game to whatever end awaits us; rolling over and praying that it all goes away is no longer an option.

Besides the physical legwork, I am also investing in some spiritual legwork as well: journaling deeply about all the Shadows that rise and ebb away, and meditating on the matters at hand in order to receive Divine Guidance. That's where I got the whole concept of Perseverance, in fact :)

Tomorrow I will be able to hit the ground running and start taking care of some very necessary business. Hopefully I will be met halfway.

Day 274: on holding space

Almost lost the thread, but here are a few words.

Working on gathering the loose threads back together and weaving a new tapestry of Perseverance.

More to come tomorrow.

Day 273: on the challenge of keeping the faith

A day of the Heavies, shot through here and there with Inspiration.

I am getting good at channeling the Blah energies into fuel for my workout. I can crush goals on a couple of the devices, and a couple of the other devices steep me in Humility. All in a day's work.

I am also good at turning the attitude around in my Friday night meeting. Our stories are not identical, but there are enough similarities where we find Common Ground, and can commiserate.

Aside from these intervals, though, the day has been Heavy with all the things Yet To Be Done. Some of them are doable, but others seem to be well out of reach. I'm having a bit of difficulty keeping the faith at the moment, especially since the Light at the End of the Tunnel turned out to be, once again, a fast moving freight train.

I'm going to try my very best to Do Something this weekend, but if I wind up Doing Nothing again, c'est la guerre.

Day 272: on celebrating inTERdependence

Today I made some deliberate choices...
I chose to log out of Social Media, and will stay logged out for the rest of the month. I don't have the bandwidth right now to witness the struggles and the conflicts - and with communications only getting worse before they get better, I'm going to let the slings and arrows fly very far away from me.

I chose instead to seek out Joy in Fellowship, in being out in Fresh Air and Sunshine, surrounded by other human beings doing the best they can, one day at a time, and also choosing every day to make a solid change in their lives.

Although earlier in the day I was anxious about making it On Time, I chose later to let go of a strict timeline, and found things flowing easier as a result. (I am also choosing to take this anxiety to the altar of the Goddess and hand it over one more time.)

In the evening, Himself and I chose to be with a smaller circle of friends to eat pizza and watch fireworks. I chose to observe their beauty, and was amused when a few close booms kept setting off the alarm on a nearby truck. I chose to be in awe of the New Moon as she set in the sky in the west, just before the light show began.

Big and small, I have awesome Families of Choice, people I have grown to care for, and who have grown to care for me in return. People who ask me how the Queen Mother is doing; people who commiserate with us when we share our latest news.

Tomorrow will be a brief return to the business at hand before the (rest of the) weekend unfolds. Today I chose to step out of my routine, and I am full*filled and happy. :)

Day 271: on screwing my head on straight

With the most intense of the eclipse energy ebbing, I managed to pick up my head and screw it back onto my body. The only thing I can do right now is Persevere, so that's what I set out to do.

I received a call from PACE - a group that helps with the elderly in San Diego County - and will be calling them back on Friday. I also talked with another group I was referred to, specifically for help with the Queen Mother's Medi-Cal situation, and set up a phone appointment to speak with them on Friday. Himself tied off his loose ends with applying for various programs online, then we made our way down to La Jolla to work out.

After himself gets checked in, the staff take his blood pressure and assign him a little heart monitor he wears in a pouch around his neck, so they can keep an eye on how well his heart is doing. As I am the "healthy" spouse, I don't get a little heart monitor. Then he is / we are put through his / our paces on the various machines. Today I diverged from what he was doing when I went to the reclining eliptical and he took on the Stairmaster, but we came back together to finish up on the treadmill. I got my Sparkle on once again. ;)

It was nearly 4:00 when we were finally finished, and there was the pre-holiday traffic to contend with on the way home - until we got to the 15. While the traffic was frightful on the highway itself, it was nearly delightful in the carpool lanes, which we were able to take full advantage of. We were not nearly as delayed as we thought we were going to be, but we kept to our plan of grabbing some takeout (our monthly treat) and stopped at Panda Express before we arrived home.

The fact that we stopped to grab takeout helped lift my spirits today. Just the idea that we were doing something that "normal" people do without a second thought (most of the time), brought a bit of "normalcy" back into my life. It might sound very weird, but if you're ever at the point where eating out is a rare luxury, especially when you once rarely gave it a second thought, you might get it.

Once home, I got dinner ready for the Queen Mother, and after a handful of  interruptions, got a chance to eat my own dinner. I especially enjoyed the fortune cookie with some dark chocolate. Then I had an evening shower because I could not stand my hair another minute, as it felt particularly gross after both working out and my not being able to wash it for a few days. It's nice and clean now, and I won't have to worry about trying to wash it before leaving tomorrow.

We have been invited to a couple of Independence Day parties tomorrow, and we shall be happy to attend them. It will be nice change of pace to get out and Be Social. I feel better about going out tomorrow than I felt about going out for Memorial Day.

For those who will be celebrating tomorrow: may your barbeque be delicious, may your pets be safely indoors, and may you emerge from the festivities with all of your body parts intact. Mind the Fireworks, people! (They are illegal in California, BTW).

Day 270: on starting anew

It was back to the drawing board today, eventually.

Both Himself and I apparently needed very much to sleep in, as we woke up a bit later than we intended. We did get back into looking for resources and leaving messages, both online and over the phone.

Things got a bit complicated on my end because all of the feelings that I refused to feel yesterday came knocking today, so it didn't take much to catapult me into Overwhelm. I inched my way out of it several times over the course of the day. 

Tomorrow is another Cardiac session, so I will be moving my body again, hopefully burning off some of this anxious energy. I'm also looking at cutting out social media one more time, as I'm starting to find it difficult to remain neutral, even with all of the cute cats and kittens to distract me. I will see if I can reach out to a few more places in the morning before we leave.

Getting through this one day at a time, because it's all I can do, really... 

Day 269: on passing the buck

Be advised, there is some coarse language in this one.

Himself got a judgment from DC.

The judge did not look at the addendum.

The judge said since the (San Diego VA) Region messed up in the first place, it was on the Region to fix their decision.

The judgment calls for all pertinent medical records to be provided to the region, and to have an "expert" evaluate Himself's condition and say "in his opinion," is this an injury that was sustained during active combat.

How fucking hard is it to admit that y'all made a mistake and man up and correct it?!

Oh right - to correct your error means you would need to pay out MONEY, which you would rather spend on shiny new weapons you probably won't be able to use anyway, and why pay money to a veteran who has a "terminal" diagnosis and will probably die "any day now"!

The level of Patriarchal Bureaucratic Bullshitting here is mind-numbing.

Make no mistake, Himself will continue to fight this, and I will be by his side, even if we wind up going to DC so he can argue his case before the goddamn Supreme Court if necessary! 

In the meantime, we need to do some major scrambling to see if we can get ANY extra help at all, and a Chapter 13 bankruptcy filing may be our only solution.

Needless to say, I crushed it on several of the exercise devices during our workout today. I also chose to load up the dishwasher rather than sit around and feel sorry for myself. 

I'm also glad I started thinking about Acting As If we might not get any money at all at the end of May, so when this blow came, it did not send me into a complete tailspin. 

Still, I'm not happy.

Bloody Hell...or as Himself would say, Shit, Piss, and Corruption!