backing into acceptance

Though we haven't received the Queen Mother's blood test results yet, we did receive word this past Friday of her CT scan: Yes, she has a brain; No, there still isn't anything apparent in it that would indicate Alzheimer's or a specific dementia. No news should be good news, BUT - the doors that would have opened with a definitive diagnosis remain closed, at least for now. So we slog on.

I vented in my Morning Pages the next day: mom is not sick enough, not poor enough, not this nor that. Then I wonder why I have a hard time asking for help these days; why should I even bother when the answer will most likely be some form of NO? No, we can't help because your mother doesn't quite fit our criteria. No, we can't help you unless you can pay through the nose, which at this moment, isn't possible.

So I heaved a huge raspberry at it all, and spent Friday night and Saturday night out, conversing with folks who have their cognitive faculties reasonably intact...and suddenly found myself enjoying myself in the company of Himself and our mutual friends. Sunday was a formal daytime support group, followed by more informal support in the evening, as Himself and I paid a visit to one of my dear sisters, who was in a car accident two weeks ago (!!) and was just now beginning to feel human again. We heard her, we helped her to laugh, I brought in some healing for her. Suddenly I'm feeling more Sane and Present than I have in quite some time.

Today I managed to gather myself together enough to work huswifery magic in the kitchen and remove the recycling, placing the assorted papers, bottles, and cans in their respective bins, then loading up the dishwasher. The bonus round was sweeping the living room floor clean. I have found myself slowing way down these past few days, reading a lot, napping some, and staying more or less inert. Lying Low seems to be my modus operandi for now, to what end is yet to be determined.

I need to get in a grocery run tomorrow before Himself disappears down to San Diego again to play in Quickbooks. Somehow he managed to get himself elected to being the Alano Club treasurer last month. Gods help us all. He did manage to take a breather from the drama llama stampedes this past weekend, though, and I got in some quality Spousal Time. This probably helped with my state of mind.

I have something very special cooked up for later in the week. Will do the big reveal later. Watch This Space! :)

a "bag lady" day

After the anxiety of yesterday, I delibrately made it a Chill Day today, doing a lot of reading. I have two on-screen sources these days: the AgingCare.com support forum, where I can sympathize and cheer on my fellow caregivers, and Flipboard, a site + app where one can browze a gazillion articles on practically every topic under the sun. I receive their "10 for Today" emails, scan the articles presented, and tag the email with a star if I want to return to it at a later date. I have a ton of Forum and Flipboard notifications tagged, so I have a LOT of reading material at my fingertips.

There is a bit of irony to this, if you know me at all: I was one of those people who refused to get a Kindle, refused to listen to Any Audiobooks Ever, because Real Books were the best and only "real" source of reading, didn't ya know! Now most of my reading is on a screen, and I'm looking forward to "retraining" myself to read Real Books over this upcoming Mercury Retrograde. Think of it as NaNoReMo, if you will.

When I started to feel a little restless, I picked up where I left off in my Huswifery: creating an alternative organizational system for all of our bags. Despite the "ban" that was enacted in California a few years back, there are still plenty of plastic bags to go around, especially if you take home anything from a restaurant to eat later. First I got all of the bags together in their various "categories," then I played a little Bag Tetris to slot everything in reasonably well in the bottom shelf of one of our below-the-counter cupboards. (For those who don't know, Tetris is a very simple-yet-addictive video game where you take variously shaped 3D puzzle pieces and try to slot them together with as few gaps as possible...and the rate at which you receive said pieces gets faster over time!)

When I was done, we had one bunch of Target bags ready to be returned to the store for reusing, one bunch each of Walmart and Ralph's bags in progress, the aforementioned "Thank You" bags for takeout ready to be reused for trash bags in the master bathroom, various newspaper bags ready to be used for litter box clearings, and an array of paper bags neatly tucked in the corner, to be used for whatever I can come up with. Finally there is our embarrassingly small collection of actual reusable canvas-with-insulation lunch bags. Perhaps this last bunch will grow as the other categories shrink with use.

Afterwards came some more reading, then dinner for the Queen Mother and myself. (Himself had another day of tending to Club business down in San Diego.) Next on my project list will be to reorganize the shelf above the bag shelf, along with the silverware drawer and junk drawer above them. I acknowledged today that organizing and reorganizing things does seem to help quiet my sometimes nervously chattering mind, so I will keep going and see what happens.

Tomorrow Himself and I plan to go to another "retirement planning" seminar to take advantage of the free dinner. I'll let y'all know if I hear anything remotely interesting. ;)

tying off loose ends

The first loose end I took care of today was laundry, as it was a bit overdue to be done! Inkblot was an "up close and personal" supervisor again, jumping down into the washer to inspect the drum and everything else in it. I twirled him around a couple of times in both directions before scooping him out of the washer so that I could finish loading it. Clothes washed, I made it over to the laundromat and colored a bit in my latest mandala while the clothes were drying. Then ther was a little party in the Queen Mother's bedroom as I sorted and put away her laundry, as both cats came to supervise the proceedings. They weren't nearly as interested with me putting away my laundry. ;)

As to other loose ends, there were some good things that happened last week. For my birthday, I used the free dinner I had been "gifted" by the newest local Mexican restaurant after they had messed up my order on a previous visit. They were able to deliver the promised vegetable enchiladas this time, which were paired with black beans and rice and very, very tasty. Afterward, Himself made me a chocolate "milk" shake afterwards (with almond milk) that was also very tasty, and very filling.

The best news came the day after my birthday, where Himself was declared to be Still In Remission. The oncologists are keeping an eye on an odd nodule or two (lymph nodes, perhaps) in his mesentery; they seem to be growing and shrinking, glowing and not glowing, with no rhyme nor reason. His next CT scan will be in January, and if the nodules don't grow between now and then, he will have been in remission and Tumor Free for three years. That is apparently a Big Number in the cancer world, and means the chances of recurrence drop sharply. So far, so very good!

Switching back to the present: I kept an eye on the time today, because I wanted to do the laundry before Himself left the house for his errands, but I didn't feel too rushed. I am (belatedly) noticing that whenever I am feeling pressed for time, especially in the morning, my temper starts to grow very short. Sometimes breakfast helps, but sometimes it doesn't. Today I had a good day overall. Once the laundry was done, I kept the ball rolling by straighening up in the kitchen, taking care of the recycling and reorganizing a few things in the recycling corner so that it didn't look quite so chaotic.

My next idea is to redo the collection of plastic bags I have by the cooler. Since we have a fancy cooler now (It dispenses hot AND cold water! Himself paid for it a few months ago, as it was on sale), the way I kept the plastic bags isn't working anymore, so I need to rework a few things. Organizing, and Reorganizing, is one of my strong suits - dare I call it a hobby, even? - so I'll see if I can keep going tomorrow. :)

Day 343: on making an effort

I didn't have to wake up when Himself did this morning, but I did, and received some rare Quiet Time to sip my tea and write most of my Morning Pages undisturbed. Himself had some business to attend to, and needed to make an early start of the day, which I used to my advantage.

Today was a day I treated myself by cooking for myself: egg sandwiches for breakfast, and an Asian-themed dinner of cream cheese wontons, veggie gyoza (dumplings), ramen noodles, and mango sticky rice rolls for dessert. I added a salad to my dinner for the greens. Granted, mostly it was a matter of heating and eating, but I enjoyed taking the time to prepare my meals today.

Before the feasting was some cleaning, of taking out the trash, two bags of recycling, and putting the right items in the right boxes. We are going to have some bottles and cans of our own to add to the recycling Himself brought home from the Alano Club, so we might get some nice change out of this at the start of the coming week. I capped off all of the tossing and sorting with a nice long shower, quite refreshing after a hot day.

After some discussion with Himself, I am keeping the car tomorrow, dropping him off at the Alano Club and coming back up to dry our laundry at the laundromat and do a bit of grocery shopping. We are going to see if we can attend our Sunday Support group first. It will be a kinda busy day, but not a crazy busy one. 

I made a list this morning of all the things I needed to do this weekend. Checking things off one at a time is very satisfying. :)

Day 339: on a blessedly easier day

It was with a sense of relief that I was able to engage in my Tea and Morning Pages ritual to start off the day, though I only wrote one page in total before the words just stopped flowing out and refused to start again. Still, that one page helped to shift a lot around, judging by how the rest of the day actually flowed.

I went back to my favorite place of chaos, the kitchen. Between three adults and two cats, it can get messy in quite a hurry. Working by degrees, with zero pressure to get anything done, I managed to do quite a bit, and the kitchen looks light years better than it did at the start of the day. The dishwasher is humming as it washes the dirty dishes. 

Dinner this evening was leftover spanikopita and rice pilaf, to which I added some more rice, and a salad. Everything seemed to taste a little better than it did Saturday night, as the ingredients had a chance to blend flavors while in the fridge. I capped it off with a couple of chocolate chip cookies, also leftovers. 

My "mistake" was eating at the dining room table, because I got an earful from the Queen Mother. With a captive audience, she unloaded everything that was on her mind before she finally returned to her current novel she was reading and settled back in to that. I treated myself to some music from the Calm app while she was watching the news. 

Still playing it by ear, or in our case, how Himself's leg feels. He talked with one of the VA pharmacists on the phone, and is now taking a two week "vacation" from statins. Once that two weeks is up, he will be taking a non-statin medication and will be on it for a week before the next phone consultation. His leg is getting better by degrees, but it's a "painfully" slow process, pun fully intended.

Need to get in some grocery shopping tomorrow; otherwise, the day is wide open.

Day 326: on picking and choosing

I still have a list of items of huswifery to do, but many items on the list have been checked off. Today was less of a push-to-get-it-done day, and more of a do-what-strikes-my-fancy day. My lower back appreciated the slower pace.

We tried the new fancy water stand today, testing out the hot water portion. Himself and I agree that it's fabulous, and will make it much easier to do Tea and Morning Pages on a regular basis. (Yes, sometimes I skip this ritual because I don't think I have enough time to do it in the mornings!) True to form, the Queen Mother didn't like the new stand, claiming the hot water for her tea wasn't hot enough (?!) So she will stick with her routine and we will shift ours, just a little. 

Since it was majority rules, we took the old jug and stand back to Palomar Water's main office. When I received their bill earlier this month, I discovered we were actually "renting" the jug for $5 per month! As we no longer need to have the jug, why continue to pay for it? We won't be paying a monthly charge for our new stand, so that's a savings right there.

I continued to putter about in the kitchen: emptying out the dishwasher, cleaning up spoons we use exclusively for cat food, sweeping the kitchen floor. Minor things on the surface, but when one has suffered for months on end with near-debilitating Depression, as I have, these "minor things" build upon themselves, to end up (hopefully sooner than later) with a clean-ish house. I want to keep the momentum going now!

I rounded out the doings of the day with changing out a light bulb in the Queen Mother's bathroom. SDG&E gave us a whole bunch of the fancy fluorescent light bulbs once upon a time; they might be great for the electric bill, but they're horrible for the environment, because they leave traces of mercury behind when they're done. Word to the wise: don't use these kind of bulbs in any lamp or light fixture with a dimmer switch. They don't like the fluctuating energy levels and will burn out very quickly, as I found when I was trying to find a light bulb that would light up! (Use LED bulbs instead. They can handle the fluctuations and last almost forever.)

Tomorrow my focus shifts outward as Himself makes another attempt to make it to the Cardiac Rehab center, and I make another attempt to go with him. He has an appointment with the VA Pain Clinic for a follow up afterwards, so I will have an opportunity to go frolic in Jaguar Weather. I'm debating right now whether or not to try for the beach this weekend. On the one hand, we will have the resources to cover a trip; on the other, it will be Labor Day Weekend, so there will be traffic and crowds. Ugh. Choices, choices...

Day 325: on fitting things in

Himself had the idea to take our old water jugs back to Palomar Water and switch them out for a pair of full ones. When we got to the office, there were a couple of refurbished models on sale for decent prices, cash only. Himself paid $30 to upgrade us to a hot-and-cold water dispenser. True to their advertising, the hot water was hot and the cold water was cold. I thought briefly about returning my Groovy Teapot, but both Himself and the Queen Mother said I should keep it, so I will. Besides, I owe y'all a picture of it at least. 

As we were leaving for Palomar Water, Inkblot tried to sneak out of the house. I caught him and put him back inside before he had gotten too far, but because he was showing interest, I put his harness on him and took him outside after we got back. He sat for a long time in the shade, then abruptly stood up and began to walk to the left. I let him lead me around, so he wound up taking me for a walk to the other side of the complex. He ate some grass, then looked like he was starting to eye the back fence to see if he could jump it. 

I turned him around and took him home, carrying him half of the time, and walking with him half the time. I knew it was time for us to go home because he was starting to pant. (Yep, it was hot.) I gave him some water and treats when we finally returned, and he spent a lot of time resting on the cool tiles of the kitchen and bathroom floors. From what the Queen Mother told me, it looks like one of our next purchases will be for Pippa, as she seems to have gotten over whatever spooked her and is now interested in Going Outside once more. 

Once I had rested and had dinner, I moved to gather up the trash. All of our bins are now empty, and what hasn't gone to the complex dumpster already is waiting in the green wheeled bin in our patio, which we cart over to the main dumpster when it's full. I was happy to get that done in slightly cooler weather, before sunset. 

Tomorrow may or may not be an early day; we shall see what happens.

Day 324: on being accommodating

The Queen Mother was complaining this morning that her itchy red spots were getting worse, not better. Since we haven't changed shampoo, hand soap, dish soap, laundry soap, or anything along those lines, I looked the one thing that had changed: Inkblot choosing her bed as one of his new "favorite spots." So when we got back home, I washed her sheets and blankets, our sheets and blankets, sprayed her bed (with a spray that happens to target fleas), changed out her linens, and treated the cats for fleas as well. (Pippa hates me at the moment; Inkblot forgave me when I offered him some treats.) I shall see if this helps her itching issues; if not, we might have to revisit Urgent Care and/or her doctor's office.

Before the additional huswifery, Himself and I made it to our Sunday Support group, where we happily shared the news of our good fortune. One of the members brought some books to give away, and I took three of them, one non-fiction and two fiction. Neither of the fiction books is Science-Fiction, so I'm going to be broadening my horizons a little. One looks to be a rom-com along the lines of Crazy Rich Asians, the other a story of how a woman put her life back together post-divorce. I'll update everyone on how the reads go.

On our way home, we stopped at Walmart so I could get myself something I have been wanting for some time: a new teapot. I had an electric one for a long time, until late last year when it was invaded by ants. (I wonder sometimes if our condo wasn't built atop an anthill!) They got into the circuitry part of the kettle, so I had to throw it out. I have been making do with a smail sauce pot, but I would often have to wash it out before brewing my tea. Now I have an actual teapot dedicated to nothing but water for tea! It has been treated to produce lovely rainbow style colors on the outside, so I'm calling it my "Groovy Teapot." I'll see if my phone cooperates enough to take a picture of it so I can share it here tomorrow.

I arrive at the end of another day tired but very satisfied. I still have my Master Huswifery list, and there are things still to be checked off of it. I continue to work my way down it. :)

Day 323: on diving in

Today was a good day for huswifery. :)

I got the laundry done, dried, and put away. The dishwasher is taking care of our dishes as I type. I helped Himself with recycling, and finally got the glass bin in our patio emptied out. I took a couple of bags of our miscellaneous recycling out to the bins closest to our unit in the complex; they were mostly empty, which was very good. Sometimes the weekends are when they fill up the fastest. I also got very brave and tackled cleaning out the Queen Mother's commode. It's going to be a multi-day project, but even there I made some headway.

Himself and I also paid a visit to Target while the laundry was being washed. I needed to make an exchange of items first. I had asked Himself to grab some things from Target yesterday, and he got some dish soap when I had asked him for dishwasher detergent. They are two different things, and I really didn't want a foamy mess coming out of the dishwasher midway through its cycle. I showed him the difference in the store. I also found what looked like the last spray bottle in the store. Now that I have it, the ants had better run for their little lives! (The last one broke while I was using it, and I didn't have a replacement immediately handy.)

The Queen Mother herself continues to micromove her way through the days. She can be rather grumpy when she first wakes up, especially if her nausea is present. She has taken mid-day naps, which sometimes help, and sometimes don't. Once she has dinner, though, I see signs of improvement, and she seems to be better in the evenings. I continue to play it by ear.

Tomorrow will feature more Huswifery, for there is still recycling that needs to be carried back into the patio, and trash to be gathered and carted away. Himself and I are also going to attend our Sunday Support group, provided the Queen Mother isn't feeling too blah in the morning...

Day 309: on a summery saturday

With Himself down in San Diego, it was a good day to read, to write, to color, and to nap with the cats. It was also a good day to bring the trash can back in, load the dishwasher, and wipe down the counter tops. The Queen Mother put in her two cents, so we started going through her closet as well. I found some pairs of slippers she had forgotten she had, so she tried them on. These slippers will stay and those slippers can be given away. So it begins once more...

Looking in the closet, I see the boxes and boxes full of wrapping paper and ribbons and bows; along with the bags, we probably have enough materials right now to give a holiday and/or birthday present to everyone in San Diego county, at the very least! It comes from the family tradition of Saving the Wrapping Paper instead of ripping it to shreds when opening one's presents. Looks like I'll have that to co-sort through as well. Meaning: I'm going to be doing the "heavy lifting" and the Queen Mother will be giving her ayes and nays.

The one bad thing about being home by myself with the Queen Mother is her lack of short-term memory, particularly when she's obsessing over something, whether it's the part of the rug that needs vacuuming or the alleged mental health of the cats. I suspect she forgets that she made the same point ten minutes, half an hour, three hours before, and it comes off sounding like she's nagging or harping. I have to remind myself several times over, It's not her, it's her disease, and NOT to take it personally, Just for Today if nothing else! I'm still working on retraining my mind in that regard. 

Fun with food today as well: an egg sandwich for breakfast, veggie gyoza with ramen noodles and a salad for dinner. As Saturdays are my "easy" days, most of the time, schedule-wise, I don't feel rushed or pressured to whip up something quickly to eat. I actually have the opportunity to enjoy my meals, unless the Queen Mother has a bee in her bonnet. ;)

Planning on attending the Sunday Support Group with Himself tomorrow. We shall see what unfolds. 

Day 303: on a superb sunday

I made myself an egg sandwich for breakfast, then brought some much needed order to the chaos that is the recycling area. I changed out the litter in the cats' box, took some newspaper and cans outside into their bins, and took out the trash, along with a bag of old pill botttles, with their labels removed. I got a jump on the next load for the dishwasher and swept the kitchen floor. Dinner was some much needed comfort food: my mac and cheese with a salad, then some dark chocolate balls for dessert.

Besides paying bills tomorrow, I am going to do a bit of harness shopping. There have been coyote sightings in our complex this week, and something scared Pippa so badly last Monday that she hasn't been outside again since, and has only recently emerged from hiding in our closet! The harness is going to be for Inkblot, who is not a happy boy being "indoor only." He has the right temperament to be harness trained and to go on adventures. (I lost one little boy cat in 1998 to an outdoor tragedy, and I'm NOT going to lose another one.) I've been pricing harnesses online and I can get a decent one for between $15-$20, which is doable right now.

There was one final change of plans for the week: the Sunday evening person "forgot" they were supposed to have a shift at the Club this evening, so Himself found himself pinch hitting once more. He's back home and showering as I type.

Personally, I had a good day, even though some did not. I will be lighting my Peace Candle tonight and chanting some mantras for Kuan Yin.

Day 289: on expanding my horizons a little

Himself got up and moving early, and I only got up to feed the cats before returning to bed. I didn't get up until the Queen Mother had left her bathroom.

It's a sure sign that things are heating up when the cats stay in more than they are out, at least at mid-day. I wouldn't want to run around in a fur coat that I couldn't take off either.

What makes the cats (and Himself) miserable makes the Queen Mother (and Myself) happy: the hot weather makes her arthritis more tolerable, and seems to give me an energy boost. There's a reason I call myself a Jaguar. I am so totally affected by the seasons it isn't even funny.

Despite starting my monthly adventure in the Moontime, I got all of the trash out and took care of the recycling: some in the blue bins by the dumpster, some in the blue bins outside of our house. The latter we empty out periodically and recycle their contents for cash.

We've run a bit short on water, so I had to figure out what to have for dinner that didn't involve it. (Unfortunately, our tap water is not the best for drinking.) I steamed some rice in vegetable broth in our rice cooker, and opened up a can of "Black Bean Fiesta" from Bush's. It was seasoned just right, and was mighty tasty after I added the rice and put together a salad for good measure. I had not planned on cooking for myself, but improvised very nicely.

I'm back to listening to music on Pandora, the same "exotic" station I was listening to last night. I haven't heard some of these songs for a while, and I am enjoying hearing some of the subtleties I missed previously.

I have no idea as to what will unfold tomorrow, or this next week, so I shall be playing it by ear, as usual.

Day 262: on being slow and steady

Instead of waking up "weighed down," I woke up surprisingly energized and buoyant today. I didn't question why; I took the ball and strode forward with it. Running with the ball will abide till the end of the week. ;)

I deliberately paced myself, moving slowly and steadily through the day. I made headway in some of the paperwork I needed to get done. I finally rounded up all of the recycling in the kitchen - washing out glass jars and bottles, bagging empty cat food cans, putting together empty yogurt cups - and put everything in its place. I also started loading up the dishwasher. 

I even managed to cook myself some dinner: black beans, rice, a bit of salsa, one packet of chili sauce, and (ahem) four packets of ketchup. I wound up with something tasty, yet only had a little heat in it. It paired well with my salad. A few days ago I paired "chili" beans, basically pinto beans in a yummy tomato based sauce with added spices, with some of my remaining tri-color quinoa. I boosted up the iron content in my food to help fortify me in my Moontime; perhaps that's why I felt rather awake this morning.

Tonight I felt sociable, watching some TV with the Queen Mother: American Ninja Warrior along with the first half of the Spain vs. US women's soccer game. I watched the second half of the game with Himself. Not bad at all for a Monday, and a full bleeding Monday yet!

Tomorrow, though, I will have to leave the home while bleeding, but it should be okay. Just need to figure out how to work on the "administrative" tasks before me. I will, as always, do my best.

Day 254: on keeping the keel even

Another one of those "mixed bag" days...

On one side of the ledger I can put the unpacking of the kitchen "preservation" bags and reorganizing the pantry cupboards on the stove side of the kitchen. Somehow I actually freed up some space and arranged things more logically. I have a few lingering organizational thoughts about the top right cupboard, but that can wait till later in the week. 

On the other side of the ledger I need to put the cats. They are drinking and using the litter box just fine, but they are still not eating very well, and they were vomiting overnight - so much fun to wake up to! We're not taking any chances with them; so we're going to stop by our veteran-friendly veteranarian first thing tomorrow. Himself's first cardiac rehab appointment isn't until mid-afternoon, so that should still work out.

On this side of the ledger, the Queen Mother has been in a bit of a mood today. If the cats stay outside too long, she panics. As they aren't well, she panics. If she's not wanting immediate answers to her questions, she makes comments about things we discussed earlier in the day, or yesterday. I have to keep reminding myself: It's not her, it's her disease, and her mind is Simplifying, breaking down past and future to function merely in the Now. I'm beginning to wonder if she's starting to experience the events in her day "as if for the first time," and I'm thinking of treating her and her questions as if that were truth. This approach might just save the last bits of my sanity.

On that side of the ledger, I read the next chapter of It's Okay if You're Not Okay, which happened to be about Letting Go of What You Can't Control, and Remembering God/dess IS In Control, complete with an analysis of the Biblical story of Joseph. While my spiritual path is rather different from the author's, and of her intended readers', I am familiar enough with Joseph's story to understand her point, and more, take comfort from it. Although things aren't unfolding as fast as we'd like them to, or even necessarily as we need them to, we have been watched over and provided for by our Higher Power throughout all of these travails as we climb for the summit of our mountain. In reading over the exercises at the end of the chapter, I'm seeing a Fire Ceremony on the Solstice, yes indeedy!

So back into the Flow of Life we go, post-fumigation. Good thoughts for the cats would be appreciated as we figure out how best to help them de-stress. 

Day 253: on cleaning up

I have Inkblot snoozing beside me and Pippa asleep on the Queen Mother's bed. Last night they snuggled together for the first time in a while, so I know they felt relief that the "ordeal" was over.

I have spent the day with my devices off and moved through it with an easy pace. I washed two loads of laundry - one of clothes, the other of blankets, and took everything to the nearby laudromat to dry out. Our beloved dryer, which has been in the condo almost since the day we moved in, was on its last legs prior to the fumigation, and finally gave up the ghost sometime during the fumigation, we think. 

At any rate, one dollar buys about half an hour of drying time, and the dryer actually works! We came home with dry clothes and blankets, but had to rush back to the laundromat because I couldn't find my keys when we stopped to get the mail. Somehow the keys had fallen out of my purse into the laundry cart; fortunately they were still there, untouched. Once retrieved, I got the day's mail and came home to prepare dinner.

Besides hanging up my clothes, I "rotated my wardrobe," moving the Winter clothes to the side and bringing forward the Summer clothes in my closet. I think this is the latest date I have rotated, as usually I need more Summery clothes in May, sometimes even in April. I made a mental note.

Yesterday we put away the things that belong in the bathrooms and unbagged everything that had been patiently waiting in the fridge and freezer; tomorrow I tackle the rest of the bags in the kitchen. Himself will be down in San Diego pretty much all day tomorrow, so I will be able to pace myself again quite nicely. Then I need to sit down to sort mail and plan out the next week. I also want to see about finishing up the latest mandala I've been coloring.

Day 238: on a strong finish to the week

I'm feeling pretty good about how this day went. 

I faxed the fumigation paperwork over to the pest control folks, and finally got the ball rolling on seeing whether I could get a letter from the Queen Mother's doctor's office to say she was disabled before she started receiving her Social Security. Whether or not they can is another matter entirely, as the office manager said she would have to do "a little research." Wait, you mean you might have records about my mother that you didn't send to me when I requested them?? (note to self: look over what I received from the Queen Mother's doctor One More Time!)

In between the administrative items, I tackled the kitchen and significantly improved its state. I also cleared out a lot of trash and recycling, so the chaos has been repelled for now. All of the work got me my thirty minutes of exercise for the day.  :)

This evening Himself and I paid a visit to the synagogue. It's a bit of a challenge, balancing our firm commitments vs. our desired activities, and what can be exchanged for what else. The service was small, but very heartfelt and fulfilling. The schmoozing afterward was a bit more political than I generally like, but Himself was right at home: he has an opinion and is not afraid to share it! We came home a bit latr than expected, but that's okay. Our agenda for tomorrow is pretty open.

I wind down with the intention to Unplug for the weekend, as usual, so there will be a couple of shorter posts...or I might write something in depth on Sunday evening. I will see what I feel like come then. 

Day 218: on taking a full breath

Today was the first day that I felt I could take that full breath and let go of the Drama of the week that has just past. I took care of the laundry and the dishes, but not the trash; it was a little too damp today to carry things out, due to our May rain. Still, two out of three aren't bad, and there's tomorrow for the removal of the trash.

Himself got a ride back up after his commitment today, so I didn't have to accompany him down to his meeting, but I chose to go. I felt I needed to socialize, for one, and I also took a much needed NAP this afternoon, for two. I got my needed socialization, along with some nice hugs. One can never have too much Vitamin H!

I made an exception to my rule of Unplugging for the weekend, again out of a need for Connection. I balanced it well with my huswifing and my napping.

Himself and I will be attending our Sunday support group tomorrow, and take advantage of a bit more Breathing Room before we launch into two (!) full weeks of appointments. Oh what fun!

Day 217: on wrapping up the week

Himself and I made some more phone calls today, both of us finding still more resources to investigate further in the coming days. I am also undergoing the process to get my Medi-Cal renewed, so I responded to a request that I found in the mail pile from the start of the week, and dropped off copies of the necessary paperwork today. 

Then Himself and I got into a disagreement as to the time of his chiropractic appointment, so I dropped him off at the chiropractor's office and headed home to get dinner ready for the Queen Mother. It turns out his calendar was the correct one. Good news was that there was no change necessary to the adjustments that he gets, due to his cardiac adventure this week.

Something I need to work on: taking the reins completely and making all of the decisions. Himself's mental faculties are still reasonably intact, and we originally agreed to make choices together As A Team. I need to give him his space and value his input, and not automatically assume that He's Wrong and I'm Right.

Something that is working: since I leaned in to the 16:8 Intermittent Fasting, I am not Emotionally Eating. That was one of my big character defects, and I am happy to say that it has all but vanished. I had some significant opportunities to "eat my emotions," this past week, but I have stayed reasonably healthy, and not resorted to midnight snacking or gone to my big Comfort Foods, namely macaroni and cheese. I have been briefly tempted, but the feelings have passed in time.

Focusing on chores tomorrow: laundry and dishes and trash, oh my! Then I'm going to take advantage of needing to pick up Himself (after his monthly commitment) to get out of the house and do some much needed socializing! Taking care of my needs as well...

Day 202: on improving further

I had a productive time writing in my Morning Pages. The question I posed was, "What can I do to occupy my mind in this time of Limbo?" The answer seemed at first to be a cliche - Chop Wood, Carry Water - but it spoke to staying more centered in the Present, taking care of my business (trash, recycling, decluttering), and taking care of myself (eating and moving with Intent and Purpose).

This answer might seem obvious, and it is rather obvious in truth, but when Catastrophizing and Apocalyptic Thinking have become second nature, sometimes I need an Obvious Answer to remind me of how best to proceed, and what I need to let go of.

I put my insight into action, taking care of the trash and the recycling. I started in on it yesterday, and will finish it off tomorrow, as I have been letting it slide a little between appointments and bouts of Depression. Himself helped out by running the vacuum. We also aired out the bedroom and the master bathroom; now it no longer stinks of bleach.

We have a few days to go until the end of the month, but I have a few small tricks up my sleeve, so everyone should stay fed and happy until the next month begins, and the monthly pensions arrive.

In the meantime, I have to re-submit my request to the DMV. I received it in the mail today, and the section I thought was an "either/or" is actually a "both/and." So there will be another delay in processing, another delay in getting the Queen Mother off of Income-base Medi-Cal, and another delay in getting my pay. Par for the course at this point! (optional: insert eyeball roll here)

Meanwhile, life goes on, and I will do my best to go with it.

Day 201: on depression's lessons

There comes a point during each Moontime when I "rise back to the surface," and no longer feel like I'm swimming in the depths. Today was that point.

Every month when I bleed, emotions that are usually hidden under layers of psyche become more easily accessible. This isn't always a pleasant thing. The last few days have shown me what my Depression is most preoccupied with: the idea that Nothing Will Ever Change, and that I Am Stuck (in poverty and in the shadow of my mother and my husband) Forever - more, that I have become "Too Negative" to shift my circumstances. 

Thank you for your concern, Depression.

I managed to get a bit of tidying up done, including sweeping the kitchen floor, before my back started wanting to go out, so I needed to ease back on the throttle and take it a little easier. In the meantime, the toilet in the master bathroom decided to overflow, and I needed to help Himself the best that I could in cleaning up the mess. (Thanks to a friend's generosity, he is getting some bleach to finish said cleaning.) At one point, though, I could feel my mind wanting to "lock up" in Overwhelm. These episodes don't happen that often, but when they do, they are debilitating.

My challenge right now seems to be what will best occupy my mind, and distract my Depression, for however long it takes to receive the funds that have been promised to come our way. At this point, I am considering all options.