updates & picking up some pieces

This was one of those get-banged-up-and-slide-over-the-finish-line-sideways months.

Good news: I got my 24 hours of Respite in. :) I checked into a nearby, but not too near by, hotel on the 12th and stayed overnight, checking out on the 13th. I soaked in their hot tub under the full moon and in the mists as hot water met cold air. They offered a free breakfast, which I took advantage of, and enjoyed an hourlong, uninterrupted breakfast. When I left, I was downright blissy.

Bad news: This last week has been particularly rough, as my lower back seized up (again) and I got a head cold pretty much simultaneously, while still in the Moontime! My back is now good and I am getting over the cold. Today was the first day after several where I didn't feel like I was trying to reach down to touch my diaphragm and hack up a lung. :p

The "WTAF" moment comes courtesy of the County of San Diego: I turned in the 

Queen Mother's paperwork for her Medi-Cal and her CalFresh (food stamps) on the same day. They have since sent me three notices of her Medi-Cal Share of Cost going up, while simultaneously calling to inform me that they don't have her CalFresh form! As she was only getting $16 per month, I realized that I was getting angry over pretty much nothing. As the Cost of Living Adjustments both she and Himself are getting for the next year total more than that, I'm letting this situation go entirely. I am so completely over the bumbling incompetence!

As for the Queen Mother: her bloodwork results came back right after my last post; no surprise they turned out Absolutely Normal. So: no official Dementia diagnosis, and we slog on, with a little more money going forward. She has been complaining about being cold "all the time," and we are having a mild Winter, comparatively speaking. She has also been taking to bed for a post-breakfast "nap," more often than  not, since I had my Respite. Physically, she's slipped a little more downhill, as her body catches up to her mind, which continues to lose words and comprehension by degrees. :(

Himself thinks he will be getting his personal injury settlement from his rear-ender sometime this next month. The current challenge is the hardball the insurance companies for the other involved parties are playing. Negotiations are ongoing. In DC, meanwhile, his Veteran's attorneys are planning to get him classified as "Totally and Permanently Disabled," which comes with its own set of perks. After that is done, they plan to ask after the Carpal Tunnel decision: why did the VA go back to 2015 in its award, and not back to 1993, especially when there is evidence to support the latter date? That is the new million dollar question. There are also some access privileges he will be getting at military exchanges starting tomorrow, so that might be worth exploring.

A funny thing has happened as I have rested my back and coughed through my cold: I find the Heaviness has lifted from my spirit, the Depression has dissolved, and I am feeling some Hope for the first time in a while. It seems to be a bit more than the excitement over starting a new year & new decade. I am finding myself in a similar place to where I was at the end of 1997/start of 1998: very familiar with Shadows in Darkness, and desiring to cultivate a "lighter side" to my personality. In the spirit of Beginning Again, SARK's Living Juicy will be by my side once again as I wend my way through the days of 2020, definitely older, perhaps wiser. Yes, there will be some Ceremony tonight and tomorrow!

I also have some things to look forward to - Star Trek: Picard in a few weeks, and Wonder Woman 1984 next Summer. Both of the preview trailers look Awesome! ...and now you know two of my favorite things. I am a total Next Generation Trekker, and I watched Diana's adventures when she was played by Lynda Carter, way back in the day. I will be catching up with her current iteration on TNT sometime in the next month. ;)

I'm not a huge one for making New Year's Resolutions these days, but one Intention I will declare is to blog a bit more often here. To be honest, there have been times when I have wanted to, these past few weeks, but haven't, because I didn't want to sound like I'm kvetching and whining all of the time. With the clearing of my mind, perhaps I will be able to talk without it turning into a pity party...

backing into acceptance

Though we haven't received the Queen Mother's blood test results yet, we did receive word this past Friday of her CT scan: Yes, she has a brain; No, there still isn't anything apparent in it that would indicate Alzheimer's or a specific dementia. No news should be good news, BUT - the doors that would have opened with a definitive diagnosis remain closed, at least for now. So we slog on.

I vented in my Morning Pages the next day: mom is not sick enough, not poor enough, not this nor that. Then I wonder why I have a hard time asking for help these days; why should I even bother when the answer will most likely be some form of NO? No, we can't help because your mother doesn't quite fit our criteria. No, we can't help you unless you can pay through the nose, which at this moment, isn't possible.

So I heaved a huge raspberry at it all, and spent Friday night and Saturday night out, conversing with folks who have their cognitive faculties reasonably intact...and suddenly found myself enjoying myself in the company of Himself and our mutual friends. Sunday was a formal daytime support group, followed by more informal support in the evening, as Himself and I paid a visit to one of my dear sisters, who was in a car accident two weeks ago (!!) and was just now beginning to feel human again. We heard her, we helped her to laugh, I brought in some healing for her. Suddenly I'm feeling more Sane and Present than I have in quite some time.

Today I managed to gather myself together enough to work huswifery magic in the kitchen and remove the recycling, placing the assorted papers, bottles, and cans in their respective bins, then loading up the dishwasher. The bonus round was sweeping the living room floor clean. I have found myself slowing way down these past few days, reading a lot, napping some, and staying more or less inert. Lying Low seems to be my modus operandi for now, to what end is yet to be determined.

I need to get in a grocery run tomorrow before Himself disappears down to San Diego again to play in Quickbooks. Somehow he managed to get himself elected to being the Alano Club treasurer last month. Gods help us all. He did manage to take a breather from the drama llama stampedes this past weekend, though, and I got in some quality Spousal Time. This probably helped with my state of mind.

I have something very special cooked up for later in the week. Will do the big reveal later. Watch This Space! :)

getting through

Well, I managed to grab the salad fixings for the Turkey Day potluck dinner last week at the Alano Club, along with what I needed to hunker down through the holiday to get to the other side. I was all ready to brave the rain and the crazy driving with Himself last Thursday, until I was unexpectedly hurtled into Moontime. I still managed to make the salad and sent it off with Himself, and he brought back leftovers for me and the Queen Mother. Most of that day, though was spent flat on my back, in bed, with much napping.

It's not that I'm doubled over in pain when my Moonflow really gets going. Yes, I feel cramps, but they're more intense than actually painful, and that's only for the first day or two. What really stops me in my tracks is the feeling of all of my free energy retreating into my uterus and staying there, from a day or two before I actually start,  until the flow starts to ebb after a couple of days of significant bleeding. Adding to the fun is the dark river of emotions that rises close to the surface, instead of flowing in the depths of my mind. This time around, I was reacquainted with my Anger. Some of my boundaries still felt disregarded and stepped upon, and they were not happy about that. When I was awake, it was a good time for some Shadow Work - mainly in acknowledging that Yes, I was feeling these feelings, and Yes, these feelings are Valid. 

When I need to, and when I'm given enough warning, I can pull myself together sufficiently to go out into the world while in my Moontime. I got the (ahem) "opportunity" to skim along in the Black Friday shopping frenzy because cats need to eat and poop in their litter box, and people need to eat too. I managed to cross just about everything off of our grocery lists, and happily melted back into bed once we got home. It was good to ride the energetic waves to get the shopping done, and it was just as good to leave the waves behind and return to calm smooth waters.

The page has now turned to December, and with the new month came the all-important Blood Draw plus CT Scan for the Queen Mother. We did that earlier today, and it will probably take another day or two for her to recover. Her big challenges are 1) her diminutive stature, and 2) the osteoarthritis in her legs, which all but eliminates any range of motion. Just about all the medical equipment is scaled for folks at least five feet in height, and she's below that threshold by a good half-foot. She was in a great deal of pain when she returned home and was swearing up-down-and-sideways that she wouldn't be doing anything like that Ever Again. She has since napped and eaten, so her attitude has perked up a bit.

These tests will tell us if there is a specific species of Dementia in her brain, or if it's all just aggressive Cognitive Impairment. At the very worst, we will continue to slog along as we have been; at best, we will be able to access resources specific to certain Dementias once we have an official diagnosis in hand. I am looking for an answer, even if there is no obvious answer to be had. I should know the results sometime this week.

We are drying out again and anticipating a bit more rain this week, but not in the quantities that we've had the past two weeks. I'm keeping my shoes and socks handy. ;)

getting ready

Yesterday and today were all about getting some stuff done before the next rainstorm arrives, which they are predicting for sometime tomorrow morning. We are definitely in the Winter Storm track now. Last week was very much a drenching, and this week promises to follow suit. It looks like it's going to be a very soggy Turkey Day, much like last year's was, actually.

Yesterday I managed to get the laundry done. Today I got out the trash and the recycling. The "non-valuable" recycling went into the bins by the corner dumpster, while the valuable recycling went to the local recycling center. Between what we had gathered in the house and what Himself had brought home from the Club, we got enough to fill up the gas tank in the car...very important for the days to come!

Somehow I was "volunteered" to provide a green salad for the potluck celebration that the Alano Club holds every year. (Pausing to throw a little stinkeye at the husband.) Fortunately salads are my gig, so I will be taking my precious $20 and using some of it to grab a few ingredients I need for the salad. I need more lettuce anyway, so there you go. Himself's monthly pension arrives on Friday, so it's not as big a deal as it could have been. I will also be braving the food frenzied crowds tomorrow to pick up a few cans for the cats, as pretty well EVERYTHING will be closed on Thursday. Friday will be our next big grocery run, which will also be a hoot and a half, as we duck and dodge between rabid Black Friday zombie shoppers.

My local cousin and her family will be heading north to Sacramento this year for their annual "Turkey Week" celebration. While I'm a bit bummed that there won't be a family gathering this year for us to attend, I'm also relieved that there's one less event I have to schedule on the calendar. Besides, this also gives me the excuse of scheduling a get-together with family, perhaps before the end of the year, perhaps after. It will depend in part on my mood.

Speaking of, my mood is brightening a bit. I admit to being challenged by a bit of Seasonal Affective Disorder - the cool dark damp is not optimal Jaguar Weather - but I am finding something of a happy medium to navigate these shorter days and longer nights with. Perhaps the fact that my Shadow-Work during this last Mercury Retrograde was particularly informative and insightful has helped. I am looking over my results and drawing up a semi-formal action plan.

It might be akin to washing the car before a rainstorm, but I'm intending on washing my hair tomorrow, so I don't have to worry about washing it on Thursday, when we'll likely be running around like turkeys with our heads cut off. I might, or might not, blog again before month's end. If you are celebrating this week, eat well, but don't overdo it. They're called Leftovers for a reason! ;)

yup, still here ;)

I see it's been about a week, so I thought I would take advantage of the relative
quiet here and check in.

I had planned to write sooner, but I had another a visit from my "bestie," Depression. She stopped by after I had to cancel my planned therapy appointment because I did some math, and realized I needed to get cat food more than I needed to get my head shrunk. Of course, to my Very Little One, that represented yet another Broken Promise that I could not keep for myself.

I was recovering from that when I got waylaid by some sort of sinus issue. Cold or Infection, I'm not sure, but I felt like crap, had to force myself to eat, and spent more time asleep than awake. These are my signs that I'm really and truly sick, and when I added that to my Depression, oh was that loads of fun! Do not wake me until at least 2025, please! I did start feeling better yesterday with the clearing of the brain fog out of my head. Today, however, my lower back began protesting, so I've continued to keep my activity level low key.

It was not hard to stay chill. actually, as the skies opened up this afternoon and the rain came down with a vengeance for Southern California. Hello, Winter Storms of 2019! We're supposed to get more rain tomorrow, then have it taper off on Thursday, leading to seventy-degree temps for the weekend and beyond. I joke that I took a "second shower" when I went out with Himself to grab the yogurt he forgot to get yesterday. I splurged a little and got myself an Eggnog Greek Yogurt. Some folks go crazy for Pumpkin Spice. My holiday turn-on is all things Eggnog (the "unleaded" version, of course.)

Oh yes, we finally got the anticipated authorization for the Queen Mother's CT scan as well. I had the appointment set up for her, but had to cancel it due to the Creeping Crud. If I can play my cards right, I can get her bloodwork done in the same building prior to the CT scan, so I'm going to give that a shot. She seems to have improved physically, but is now having trouble telling time on a regular clock. I have resisted going totally digital, but might not have a choice any longer.

Though the first part of the week was trashed, I'm looking forward to some fun things in the second half of the week. Hopefully I can get myself back into at least a semblance of balance in the next few days, as I have not been a happy camper as of late...

time apart + veteran's day

Last week Himself traveled up to Seattle. He managed to finagle his way home on Sunday instead of Monday. I stayed home with the Queen Mother, who is plateauing - not getting better, but not getting any worse either.

Last Thursday was the hardest. Though I tried to look on the positive side, I also allowed myself to feel the disappointment of not being able to go. I did manage to make it to the Caregiver Support Group that evening, and it was exactly what I needed. My check in was long overdue, and it was good to share and be affirmed and witness other's stories.

Friday I made it to my Recovery meeting. Though I was tempted not to go, I needed to ensure the door was open for any "newcomers." It turned out to be a good meeting as well.

I had plans for the weekend, but they dissolved as my Introversion grew stronger. In theory, I was "conserving gas," but in practice, I really didn't want to go out. I was feeling overwhelmed and wanting nothing more than to rest. I did get myself out the door on Sunday to grab some groceries, and of course I made it down to the airport that evening to pick up Himself and bring himbhome.

I am noticing that I need to push myself just a little, especially when it's just me and the Queen Mother, and Himself is running around. I am tending toward Not Doing Anything when I don't have to. I'm not sure whether this is recovering from Burnout or a new iteration of my Depression; most likely it's some combination thereof. There's a part of me that needs to get out and connect with friends, so I need to make a bit of an effort to get off of my duff and get myself out there, for my sanity.

With Himself at home, we were able to take advantage of yesterday's Veteran's Day bargains. He wound up getting free breakfast and dinner, and graciously paid for mine. It's not that I was taking the day for granted, but being on a shoestring budget, and wanting some We Time with my significant other, it behooved me to take advantage of the situation. I had some lovely leftovers this evening for dinner.

I will finish my catching up tomorrow, as I'm feeling complete now. 

reaching (more) acceptance

I have a cat asleep on my legs at the moment, so it might take some time to get this particular post typed and published. I am typing mainly by touch at the moment, so although I might not move with lightning speed, I will be pretty accurate. Of all the classes I took in high school, typing has been the most useful by far, certainly more so than trigonometry. ;)

Anyway, tonight I come to the blog filled with more Acceptance than I've known in a very long time. I am accepting that when Himself and I drive down to the airport tomorrow morning, I'm staying behind and driving back home. Not only am I now okay with not going, but I've been considering what I will be able to do without him. As always, the Queen Mother will be my first priority, but I might be able to slip in a wee outing here and there.

A small update: originally we were going to come home on Monday, the 11th. When it became apparent that the excursion was going to be a solo one, Himself looked into flying home on Sunday instead. Today he confirmed that would indeed be the case, so I will be picking him up Sunday evening. This is nice because we'll be able to celebrate Veteran's Day together, if only in a low-key way.

Back to the topic: I accept that the Queen Mother's condition is continuing to decline. Her "Homeward Descent" seems to have plateaued a bit again, but she is still rather worse off than she was before her last "episode" a week ago, physically and mentally. I also accept that I don't know how long this process will take - six more months? six more years? My grandmother lived into her mid-90's, and while we all hope that doesn't happen with the Queen Mother, especially mom herself, there is the possibility that she could live as long as, or even longer than, her mother. I do have a plan coming together the longer this Odyssey goes, though.

I accept that all of my Big Plans - the ones that involve some quantity of money - are all officially On Hold until said money arrives, hopefully sooner than later, sometime next year. I turn back to the idea of Going Small and see what I can create for myself. I have already found myself a hotel room which I will be escaping to (for twenty-four hours) next month. There are places to eat within walking distance, and unless Google Maps is way out of date, there is a Hot Tub waiting for me to soak in at the hotel. Oh Simple Joys! :)

I accept that I need to work a bit more on asking for help, and just as significantly, receiving said help. Here is a place for me to examine my Shadow material and see what can be done.

I accept that, although the writing of the Morning Pages and the Timed Writing exercises are helpful, I could still use a neutral party to hear my vent and suggest things I might not be seeing. I start therapy next Thursday.

That's what I'm currently accepting now. There may be more later, but it looks like I will need to charge up the keyboard first. The cat is still asleep on my legs, too.

the "25 hour" day, and afterwards

I had been looking forward to the Falling Back of the Clocks in their one hour because it meant an extra hour of sleep. The sleep was okay, but what benefit I got out of it vanished as I chased Pippa around the house yesterday morning to try and help her clean her slightly poopy butt! Cat poop is perhaps the most noxious smell in the Universe, and it took everything in me not to hurl as I provided an assisting wipe or two. Pippa handled the rest of the work, though, and all was well, and blessedly non-poopy..

With the changing of the clocks, there is a Changing of the Seasons that one can feel around this time in Southern California. One changes from tank tops and shorts to t-shirts and pants. One smells the woodsmoke coming from the neighbors' fireplaces at night. One throws an extra blanket on the bed. One looks forwards to the warmth in one's morning beverage to help chase the chill away. One stops using the air conditioner and starts using the heater, especially in the early mornings, and doubly especially if one lives with one's mother who complains about being Cold All Of The Time!

On that note: the Queen Mother's body is definitely catching up with her mind now. The "blah feeling" in her body is not going away, and she's not as peppy as she has been. The colder weather is not helping her mood or her bones, I suspect. 

I am continuing my dalliance with Acceptance of my situation. My hidden motivations become more clear with all of the Shadow Work I am doing. I am starting to look forward to what I will be able to do while Himself is away; nothing grand, mind you, but maybe getting out a bit more than usual to enjoy some fresh air! I haven't yet dove into my pile of Real Books, but I am moving into my next Moontime, and I have been feeling the pull inward most significantly. I have to remind my Loved Ones: It's nothing personal, I just want to be left alone with the cats. M'kay. It will be tempting to sleep a lot during the next few days anyway.

Unlike previous weeks, this week is opening up as unscheduled and unfilled. With the Trickle about to become a Flood, I'm in no rush to fill it.  

on, and off, the rollercoaster

Well, that was unintentional. I had planned to blog again last Friday, but Himself and I were delayed in coming home, and then I chatted with a friend for about two hours (because it had been a while and reconnection was long overdue). By the time I got off the phone, it was late, and I was tired. I could have posted after midnight, since the strictures of this blogging process had been eased with the completion of my year long project, but I chose to wait instead, thinking I would post again by Monday at the latest.

Then everything got worse, at least in my headspace.

For me, the trip up to Seattle is not meant to be, not this year. The money is Just Not There for me to go along with Himself; moreover, the only reason he is able to go is because his way has been paid for by the local region! Every time I thought I had hit upon a solution that would work, the solution would dissolve after further inquiry. I have a few very good leads for some help Long-Term, but for right now, all the solutions lie just out of reach. I wound up Imploding, crying off and on (mostly on) through Monday night.

Tuesday was, by and large, a Do Nothing Day. I did help Himself clean up the bathroom a little (though he did most of the heavy work), but for most of the day I felt stuck and numb. Plans had fallen through one time too many, I thought, and I wasn't sure how I would be able to pull myself together once again.

I turned to what I knew best - writing - and took some deep dives, both within my Morning Pages and outside of them in some Timed Writing sessions. As the words came together, so did the Insights. To summarize, I started out questioning why I clung so hard to Expectations, and wound up staring at my Very Little Inner Child sitting atop a pile of Broken Promises, thinking there must be "Something Wrong" with her. It made sense as well: my Depression felt so Heavy not just out of Frustration, but out of Disappointment, that Yet Another Promise had been broken, Yet Again.

This, I can work with. I can meet these images and visions with Healing Ceremonies, speaking the language of Metaphor and Archetype. Once I reached the A-Ha! moment, life began to lighten and clear up again.

In the meantime, I need to back up half a step. Today both Himself and the Queen Mother received their monthly deposits in their respective accounts. Yesterday, we came up a bit short financially, and had to "Make Do" in a few areas. The cats did not complain when they were fed "people" tuna, but the Queen Mother sure did! She did a lot of ranting yesterday, for she felt certain parts of her Daily Routine had been altered in Ways She Did Not Like. Today she paid the price for her stressing with her worst "episode" yet. She still hasn't quite recovered from yesterday, and I might be calling the Nurse Advice line tomorrow if she's still in a Bad Way.

The Queen Mother, you see, is not very good at Screaming or Crying or throwing any sort of temper tantrum. Sometimes I wonder if she tried to "Vulcanize" herself (a la Mr. Spock in Star Trek, as she always prided herself at remaining cool and UNemotional, unlike my father, who never felt the need to restrain himself, at least in mom's eyes. (If I had a dollar for every time she said, "You're just like your father," and not meaning it as a compliment, I wouldn't have near the money issues that I do now!) With her mind unraveling, and gallstones now present, I suspect that she's now paying the price for Stuffing It All Deep Down for most of her life.

Last night was a grabbing of Essentials, as Himself got a wee windfall before the Main Payday; tomorrow is the Full Shopping day, along with Laundry and paying a few bills. We shall be making hay as the sun shines! With any luck, I won't be gone for so long in between blog posts, either. :)

"it could be worse"

Today was not the best day. It wasn't even a good day.

I started with some deep and necessary conversation with Himself, and felt a bit better afterwards. Then the Queen Mother was upset that the cats were in the kitchen and there was no food at that moment for them, never mind that they had eaten their "second breakfast" roughly an hour before. I was in the middle of my "first" breakfast, and Insisted that I was going to Finish My Breakfast before going out and replenishing the cat food. She's all about taking care of everyone else before yourself - and I am So Over that, with my Caregiver Burnout.

I did set out after breakfast and got a decent amount of cat food while Himself stayed home and worked on a grant application for the Alano Club on the computer. After I decompressed a bit, we went out to take care of a few moree errands. As the afternoon progressed, I realized I was going to need to prepare my go-to of mac-n-cheese and stay home this evening, as the crowds were starting to feel oppressive. My already frazzled nerves were fraying all the way down, and I was needing to breathe deeply just to maintain a modicum of control. Anxiety is no fun, folks.

Himself was still considering going to the seminar when he was called down to the Club for emergency coverage of the Coffee Bar shift. When we found out why, I realized that my problems really weren't that bad, and at least one other person was having a worse day than I was. He is on his way home with recycling in tow, which will help with making sure we have enough to cover us for the next week.

I watched a few funny videos earlier to lighten my mood, and they seemed to work, along with the mac-n-cheese. We will take care of the recycling tomorrow, and maybe, just maybe, get a workout in before our joint Friday meetings. As with everything else these days, I am not holding my breath. 

a "bag lady" day

After the anxiety of yesterday, I delibrately made it a Chill Day today, doing a lot of reading. I have two on-screen sources these days: the AgingCare.com support forum, where I can sympathize and cheer on my fellow caregivers, and Flipboard, a site + app where one can browze a gazillion articles on practically every topic under the sun. I receive their "10 for Today" emails, scan the articles presented, and tag the email with a star if I want to return to it at a later date. I have a ton of Forum and Flipboard notifications tagged, so I have a LOT of reading material at my fingertips.

There is a bit of irony to this, if you know me at all: I was one of those people who refused to get a Kindle, refused to listen to Any Audiobooks Ever, because Real Books were the best and only "real" source of reading, didn't ya know! Now most of my reading is on a screen, and I'm looking forward to "retraining" myself to read Real Books over this upcoming Mercury Retrograde. Think of it as NaNoReMo, if you will.

When I started to feel a little restless, I picked up where I left off in my Huswifery: creating an alternative organizational system for all of our bags. Despite the "ban" that was enacted in California a few years back, there are still plenty of plastic bags to go around, especially if you take home anything from a restaurant to eat later. First I got all of the bags together in their various "categories," then I played a little Bag Tetris to slot everything in reasonably well in the bottom shelf of one of our below-the-counter cupboards. (For those who don't know, Tetris is a very simple-yet-addictive video game where you take variously shaped 3D puzzle pieces and try to slot them together with as few gaps as possible...and the rate at which you receive said pieces gets faster over time!)

When I was done, we had one bunch of Target bags ready to be returned to the store for reusing, one bunch each of Walmart and Ralph's bags in progress, the aforementioned "Thank You" bags for takeout ready to be reused for trash bags in the master bathroom, various newspaper bags ready to be used for litter box clearings, and an array of paper bags neatly tucked in the corner, to be used for whatever I can come up with. Finally there is our embarrassingly small collection of actual reusable canvas-with-insulation lunch bags. Perhaps this last bunch will grow as the other categories shrink with use.

Afterwards came some more reading, then dinner for the Queen Mother and myself. (Himself had another day of tending to Club business down in San Diego.) Next on my project list will be to reorganize the shelf above the bag shelf, along with the silverware drawer and junk drawer above them. I acknowledged today that organizing and reorganizing things does seem to help quiet my sometimes nervously chattering mind, so I will keep going and see what happens.

Tomorrow Himself and I plan to go to another "retirement planning" seminar to take advantage of the free dinner. I'll let y'all know if I hear anything remotely interesting. ;)

my little friend, anxiety

The day shifted early, as Himself had planned on getting up very early for a morning meeting down at the Alano Club, but his get-up-and-go refused to cooperate. He also had a Club Executive Committee meeting this evening, so he opted to attend that instead.

Before he left, we needed to get a few grocery essentials. At the start of the day, I wasn't sure if I would be able to get cat food, but thanks to a tiny money miracle, I was. This Need to Get Cat Food probably contributed to the Low-Key Anxiety I felt today, some of which was not mine. At one point, I smudged our room with sage - something which is rapidly becoming a daily practice - and felt better.

Another contributing factor is probably the Santa Ana winds which are blowing all week this week, raising temperatures, lowering humidity, and increasing the fire risk. I know of some fires that were burning north of us in the Pacific Palisades area a day or so ago. We see a lot of the Santa Ana winds blowing in from the desert this time of year, and twice in recent years (in 2004 and 2007), we've had our own big wildfire experiences in San Diego, not to mention a few dozen smaller ones.

I will see if I can do a bit more huswifery tomorrow, as the anxiety threw me a bit off stride today. I do give myself credit for getting a full shower in, which basically means I washed my hair. Very important to do when I can't remember when I last washed it! ;)

tying off loose ends

The first loose end I took care of today was laundry, as it was a bit overdue to be done! Inkblot was an "up close and personal" supervisor again, jumping down into the washer to inspect the drum and everything else in it. I twirled him around a couple of times in both directions before scooping him out of the washer so that I could finish loading it. Clothes washed, I made it over to the laundromat and colored a bit in my latest mandala while the clothes were drying. Then ther was a little party in the Queen Mother's bedroom as I sorted and put away her laundry, as both cats came to supervise the proceedings. They weren't nearly as interested with me putting away my laundry. ;)

As to other loose ends, there were some good things that happened last week. For my birthday, I used the free dinner I had been "gifted" by the newest local Mexican restaurant after they had messed up my order on a previous visit. They were able to deliver the promised vegetable enchiladas this time, which were paired with black beans and rice and very, very tasty. Afterward, Himself made me a chocolate "milk" shake afterwards (with almond milk) that was also very tasty, and very filling.

The best news came the day after my birthday, where Himself was declared to be Still In Remission. The oncologists are keeping an eye on an odd nodule or two (lymph nodes, perhaps) in his mesentery; they seem to be growing and shrinking, glowing and not glowing, with no rhyme nor reason. His next CT scan will be in January, and if the nodules don't grow between now and then, he will have been in remission and Tumor Free for three years. That is apparently a Big Number in the cancer world, and means the chances of recurrence drop sharply. So far, so very good!

Switching back to the present: I kept an eye on the time today, because I wanted to do the laundry before Himself left the house for his errands, but I didn't feel too rushed. I am (belatedly) noticing that whenever I am feeling pressed for time, especially in the morning, my temper starts to grow very short. Sometimes breakfast helps, but sometimes it doesn't. Today I had a good day overall. Once the laundry was done, I kept the ball rolling by straighening up in the kitchen, taking care of the recycling and reorganizing a few things in the recycling corner so that it didn't look quite so chaotic.

My next idea is to redo the collection of plastic bags I have by the cooler. Since we have a fancy cooler now (It dispenses hot AND cold water! Himself paid for it a few months ago, as it was on sale), the way I kept the plastic bags isn't working anymore, so I need to rework a few things. Organizing, and Reorganizing, is one of my strong suits - dare I call it a hobby, even? - so I'll see if I can keep going tomorrow. :)

climbing back on the blogging bandwagon

I have not had the best week this week. I went on what I'm calling a Depression Bender for a few days, starting on Wednesday (my birthday, as it happens). I felt better on Saturday after doing a bit of Shadow Work, but today has been an anxious day, and I got to the point where my nerves were completely fried and I could not do anything else but take a nap. I do feel more stable and less anxious after my nap, though.

I thought I had found the perfect set up for watching over the Queen Mother while I went on vacation with Himself to Seattle. When I talked with the lady at SCRC, though, she informed me that the (reasonable) daily rate was for housing mom at the residential facility they work with. Problem is, who would come in and feed the cats? We boarded them during the fumigation of our condo, and that was a near disaster, as they quit eating and pooping and were downright miserable. (Oh yes, and when we got them home again, they puked for nearly an entire week!) When I asked after the hourly rate, I was informed that it would be twice as expensive as the residential price - and the rate of $13.50 per hour is HALF of what any agency in the area would charge.

The tricky part is that the Queen Mother doesn't necessarily need someone to stay all night with her, but she does need help in going to bed the first time, as it is very painful for her, and she usually doesn't get to be till about midnight. (At the moment, she can manage getting up to pee in the wee hours by herself.) She has also mentioned several times that she gets lonely when we have to leave the house to take care of our business. Translation: she relies on me to keep her company. :p

The idea that we wouldn't have enough money to have someone come and watch her, combined with the idea that I would have to give up Yet Another Vacation, on top of the pressure I (unwittingly) put on myself to have a "good day" on my birthday...it was all too much. We're now back to square one to find someone who can come and watch her, hopefully at a reasonable cost. This time, fortunately, Himself is helping me to look for someone. I am saving the research I have already done, because when we get the next infusion of money, I will be going through one of these agencies to bring someone in to spell me for respite.

And about money - the financial windfall has been used up. I'm trying very hard not to blame either Himself or myself for not being more thrifty with the money, and it didn't help that we had to pay a third of what we had received to his DC attorney. I admit, the outlook today isn't as bleak as it once was: the personal injury settlement is in progress, and we are waiting to hear from one of the insurance companies. (The other one has responded in a less than satisfactory way, and he might be pursuing mediation against them.) Himself's attorney in DC is set to present the idea that he is Totally and Permanently Disabled, which would bring his "service connection" to 100%. This would mean a big jump in his monthly pension, dental work covered by the VA, forgiveness of his student loan debt, and insurance for me. Himself is also planning on pursuing the original carpal-tunnel case further, as 2015 doesn't go back far enough, not when he has evidence regarding his condition dating back to 1993. On top of all of that, Himself and the Queen Mother are both set to receive Cost of Living increases starting in January, which will help.

Our financial situation isn't as bleak as it was, as we have definitive progress...but try telling that to my beyond-frazzled nervous system, which has been waiting and waiting and has no cushion left to absorb any perceived blows. Try telling that to my frayed emotions, which have been waiting and waiting for some sort of Relief and takes every setback like it's thermonuclear devastation. Try telling that to my weary spirit, which has traded Expectation for Faith, and has clung to expectations so hard, in a This or Nothing way, that these expectations are becoming toxic. In other words, the windfall was nice, but it didn't alter the fact that I'm still a Hot Mess inside.

This is why I'm returning to daily, or at least weekdaily, posting on the blog. It's when I stopped doing it regularly that I realized its importance: it was serving as a place where I could vent, as well as share, regardless of whether or not I had an audience. (I did/do appreciate the comments, though, so please keep them coming!) More, it was something I could rely upon within myself, and help me get through the day. If I did nothing else on some days but post on my blog, I was doing Something, and often times that was just enough to keep me afloat, or at the very least, ignoring the pressure that threatened to squeeze me into a bloody pulp. I'm already feeling better having reclaimed my "voice" and letting loose here, in fact.

Next I need to share the Good Stuff that's transpired, but I'll save that for the next day or two. Promise. 

missing the daily posting, sort of

Confession time: yes, a part of me misses the daily posting on the blog here. A bigger part of me was preoccupied with my Moontime these last few days, so that part was glad not to post, because I wasn't sure if I would have any words to bring to the table. My rational mind goes fuzzy while I bleed, and I disconnect from the outside world. Once the heaviest of the bleeding has passed, though, I feel myself starting to "ascend" from the depths of my mind and I begin to reconnect with the world and start using words again.

I finally managed to schedule the Queen Mother's Prolia injection for her osteoporosis, which will take place next Monday. We are still waiting for the authorization for her CT scan; we plan to take care of her bloodwork on the same day. She is doing better physically - not as many naps, and she seems to be not so loopy and grumpy - but she has slipped a little more mentally, finding it more difficult to get the words to express herself from mind to mouth. I'm wondering if asking for a urinalysis to look for a UTI might not be a bad idea, since that seems to plague folks the Queen Mother's age (and older) a lot.

Himself has a big week coming up this week. He has a PET scan tomorrow, to track an "odd nodule" somewhere in his intestines and see if it's glowing more, or less. He will also be getting some blood drawn for labs prior to the PET scan. Then we visit the oncologist on Thursday to hear the results of this latest round of tests and see if he's still in remission. I'm betting he will be. Friday brings us a follow up with the weight control people, where he will be updating them on his progress. In the meantime, the Alano Club (where he's the Secretary of the Board of Directors) is keeping him plenty busy. He's had to "imitate a morning person" for the past few days, and he doesn't do as good of a job as I do. ;)

A little something interesting: when Himself and I first got together, I got to the point where I didn't want to do Everything Together because I didn't want to cultivate any codependency. Now that he has been away more than he's been at home as of late, I find myself both missing him, and also wondering where that Independent Streak of mine went! Things at the Club should start slowing down now, with a bit more stability being introduced, so perhaps I'll get my husband back.

I'm also going to enroll in a program that the Southern Caregiver Resource Center is offering, where we pay half of the going rate for an Agency-supplied caregiver, and SCRC will pay the other half. I've narrowed it down to two agencies, and I have a few questions I need answered before I make my selection, the most important being whether or not we can get someone who likes cats! I'm thinking I will need to get another bags of bribes - I mean, treats - in order for the caregiver to win the cats over. One big step in getting ready to go to Seattle!

Thus and so, what has been going on for me over the past few days, and what is to come.

after fasting and feasting

Indeed it is Thursday and not Wednesday, but yesterday was another long day, and I was ready for bed by the time all was said and done.

Yesterday was Yom Kippur, often considered the most important Jewish holy day of the year. It is the Day of Atonement, of fasting from sundown the day before to sundown the day of. Himself and I fasted most of the time, breaking the fast only midday to have a croissant and some tea from Starbucks. With his cancer adventures, it's not medically advisable for him to fast the entire day, and his digestive system is thrown off kilter if he doesn't eat a lot, which can lead to other messy and nasty issues. So he did eat a small bit, but adhered to the fasting overall. I also snacked on a few baby carrots before we returned to the synagogue.

It's true that I didn't need to fast with him. We are an "Interfaith" family officially, as Himself is Jewish and I am Pagan, which leads to some interesting conversations. However, I also believe that occasional fasting is a good way to reset the body and the spirit (prayer work optional), and I'm not going to be completely rude and eat in front of him when he can't eat at all. I wasn't in significant discomfort, thanks to my little "cheats," and I didn't get terribly bent out of shape as happens occasionally when I get Hangry. Part of it, I bet, is in the Expectation: when I am expecting to eat, vs. when I am fasting and not expecting to eat, at least not before sundown.

Back to yesterday: after sundown, there were "appetizers" of juice, challah bread, and apples with honey to dip them in, which were consumed most enthusiastically. Then we caravanned up to the home of one of the congregants for the Breaking of the Fast, where we did indeed break the fast with a potluck feast. After attending a few of these potlucks, I have decided I am going to start bringing salads, as there has been a marked deficit of veggies!

Everything, of course, was very tasty, with the exception of some macaroni and cheese that was very cold and off-putting. There was good conversation to be had during and after the feasting, with Himself doing most of the talking. It's not that I'm a bad conversationalist at all. He is quite happy to talk about his naval adventures, his cancer adventures, and all of his adventures, and I'm happy to let him have the spotlight in these situations. When all was said and done, we wound up bringing home more food than we had taken, some of which has been eaten today. I gathered together a few of our own leftovers and combined them with a can of beans to have with my salad for dinner tonight. 

I slept long and well last night into today. This day has been very slow and quiet, as I am re-entering the Moon Lodge and am waiting for the trickle to become a flood. The days immediately before, and the first days of, my Moonflow, I become super introverted and not at all willing to do more than the bare minimum of interaction. The fact that I'm doing this blog tonight is a minor miracle. Whatever else my life looks like, I am super blessed to be able to ease back on the throttle and REST, and be very quiet, for a few days out of every month.

Inkblot is dozing on the bed beside me as I type, and Pippa has claimed the top of the dresser for the moment. The top of the dresser is Prime Territory for both of them. Sometimes they're good at sharing, other times they're not. Today has been a good sharing day so far.

I think that will do it for now. Until next time...

blogging when i don't feel like it ;)

Yesterday I said I would see everyone today, and of course, today I don't feel like blogging, because for the past few days I have been anti-social and anti-people. Part of it is being tired, part of it is trying to keep my energy strong and open when I'm not feeling that way, and part of it is unintentionally carrying around the baggage from everyone else. For this last part, I have a little trick I use: I ask, deliberately and sometimes aloud, "How much of what I'm feeling is Actually Mine?" I always feel lighter after about a minute or two and can usually ascribe a percentage to what has sloughed off. Today, a whopping 80% I was feeling was NOT mine! Such are the joys of being a Sensitive. :p

I also know a part is directed toward the Queen Mother. Mom can be trying on the best of days, and as her Dementia progresses, she can get quite obsessive over things that wouldn't have bothered her ten years ago. Today it was about the cats "not being allowed to go outside anymore." She freely admits that she is projecting her limitations upon them, and she considers the coyote sightings we have had around her the equivalent of Fake News. Nothing that I have said to her makes a difference. Tonight, Himself called at just the perfect time to leave the room, and it was time for the evening news when I got off the phone with him, so I turned on the tv and left her to watch the news as I went into the other room to eat my dinner in peace.

It was another double laundry day for Himself and myself, as we each washed a load and took our loads to the laundromat for drying. Inkblot did some of his up close and personal supervising again, this time waiting until I had almost loaded the washer completely before jumping in. Of course I took him out before I started the washer up. I think he rebalanced the washer tub after his sojourn in it, which is a good thing; the unbalanced tub jolted me awake this morning as it went into its spin-dry and sounded like a train about ready to go off the tracks!

I also posted what seems to be my most popular Inktober drawing to date: the "Coffee Zombie," who is drawn more to coffee than to brains. I felt like I had lost the spark last night when I attempted to draw a dog looking at a fly that had landed on its nose. I posted it even though I didn't want to, because I felt like it wasn't at all good, even for a doodle. Not everything is going to be a winner as I exercise my doodling muscles, though - and in truth, I was feeling a little rushed because it was after 11pm when I realized I hadn't drawn anything, and it had already been a long day. So yeah, dog-with-fly wasn't my best, and Coffee Zombie, which I had the idea of doing and the time to doodle it, felt much better.

We will be shopping for groceries tomorrow and getting ready for Yom Kippur, the famous Day of Atonement in the Judaic tradition. Not sure if I'm going to blog tomorrow or Wednesday, so watch this space...

Day 365: on "running away from home" + what comes next

Himself had arranged to train a new volunteer about opening up the Club and working at the coffee bar today. I thought, Wouldn't it be nice to join him and have some breakfast before we headed back home? So I woke up bright and early (thanks again to our fuzzy alarm clocks, aka the cats) and had enough time to wash my hair before getting the Queen Mother's breakfast put together and hitting the road. There was almost no traffic to speak of as we headed down to San Diego.

Here's the Plot Twist: the new volunteer never showed up today. We did have our Yummy Sunday breakfast, courtesy of take out from the cafe two doors down from us. I had a breakfast sandwich, which was decent but not great. Himself had scrambled eggs with country style potatoes and toast. We each got an orange slice and a cantaloupe slice; I gave him my cantaloupe (as I can't stand them) and took his orange (as he can't digest it with his "semicolon").

Then it was up to me to choose what to do. The Dutiful Daughter wanted to go home and be with the Queen Mother and do the laundry, but the Loyal Wife wanted to stay with Himself at the Club. This time, the Loyal Wife won, and I jokingly said I had "run away" from home. We wound up staying for the entire "morning" shift, then Himself briefed the "evening" shift volunteer about what was going on. I think we finally left about 3:30, did a couple of errands, and got home about an hour later. The next order of business was dinner, which Himself took care of for himself, and I took care of for the Queen Mother, the cats, and myself.

I don't regret staying with Himself today. If anything, I would have been peeved if he had gone down by himself and then been unable to come back up because of the no-show. I made the best out of the curveball Life had thrown my way.

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So, now that I have reported on the day, normally this would be the time I would sum up and log off. However, this is the last blog entry of the 365-day challenge that I set out upon exactly one year ago today. I've pleasantly surprised myself by blogging every single - less one - day in this challenge. I have gained a sense of Consistency from doing this daily posting, even if it hasn't always translated over into my Real Life adventures. It was my through-line to get through the deepest and Heaviest of my feelings, and saw me out of the long dark tunnel and to the other side. That bit I think I'll share more about in the near future.

Moving forward, I'm not going to blog every day. I will blog more than once a week. 3 times, possibly 4, sounds doable. I will be non-blogging every weekend for sure, and as a heads-up, I'm going to be offline most of, if not all of, November, as Mercury Retrograde starts on the 31st of this month. Yep, we kick it off on Halloween/Samhain this year (ooh, scary)! I'm also going to drop the day counter and the "on..." conceit of the title, and title things in a more straightforward fashion.

For those who have traveled with me this far: we did it! And I will still read your blogs. Switching phones, though, knocked out my ability to comment on other Wordpress blogs, so I will have to use Messenger instead.

With that, I will see y'all tomorrow for sure. The pace of blogging might slow a bit, but the pace of Life definitely is not. ;)

Day 364: on playing some catch up

Today has been a completely chill day: catching up on some reading, taking a nap, being in no hurry to eat breakfast. I fixed my dinner right after I fixed the Queen Mother's dinner: for me, it was a Japanese style dinner with vegetarian gyoza and a miso ramen cup, combined with a salad. I indulged a little with some chocolate ice cream for dessert.

Today and yesterday, Himself has been dealing with some Club challenges. Tempers there are getting short these days. See, they lost the lease at their original location last December, and moved into what they thought was going to be their temporary space, for about three months, in January. Three have since become ten-and-counting, and now they might move into their intended permanent home at the start of next year, or maybe find somewhere else entirely. Needless to say, some members of the Club are not taking all of the Uncertainty as well as others. 

I feel significant sympathy for Himself and all of them, for I/we have also been in a "permanent temporary" situation with our finances. The tide finally turned in our case, and I feel it will also turn with them as well. When, of course, is the Big Question.

Yesterday, Himself took the bus down to San Diego to tend to his part of Club business. I kept the car, filled the gas tank, grabbed a few groceries, and paid a visit to Starbucks for an iced Chai Tea Latte. I made a mini-outing for the day and enjoyed myself. In the evening I stepped out and attended my first meeting in a few weeks. I am responsible for "anchoring" this particular meeting the first Friday of each month. Last night I was grateful for the opportunity to meet up with my West Coast Bestie and bring her up to speed, even if folks were driving like it was a full moon on the freeway. (though it wasn't even a First Quarter moon last night!)

Today, Himself took the car and I have been home, so it has been super chill. I did do a bit of adulting: putting away the receipts for the paid bills, and setting up a few reminders. I also charted what I need to do in order to bring in "vacation care" for the Queen Mother so I can go with Himelf up to Seattle in November. I'm not feeling excited about my upcoming vacation quite yet, but once all of the pieces of this particular puzzle have been put together, I will. 

I just realized tomorrow will be my Completion Day of this 365-day blogging challenge. I will be sharing a bit about my future plans for this blog, so watch this space tomorrow as I tie it off and put a fancy bow on this past year. :) 

Day 363: on a quick word

It's late and we have finally returned home. I will be able to go into more detail tomorrow, but there are no crises or significant worries. All is well; I'm just ready to put today to bed.

Day 362: on making it a tiny adventure

Today was Bill-Paying day, where I visited the credit union to get the cash I need to pay the homeowner's insurance, the water bill, and the gas & electric bill. As the Queen Mother is feeling better, Himself and I turned it into a fun outing day. 

In between paying bills, we stopped by Michael's, ostensibly to get some double-sided tape that would help keep Himself's kippah (the little cap he wears for religious services and during special occasions, like High Holidays) securely attached to his head. Then we took turns drooling over our special sections: he drooled over the baking & food decorating sections; I drooled over the journals and lettering in the scrapbooking section. We escaped there with our wallets intact. ;)

The topic of eating came up, so we went elsewhere in the ersatz mall to visit Firehouse Subs for the first time. I got a veggie sub and he got a turkey with avocado and cheese sub. I didn't realized the subs were toasted, so getting a warm sandwich with melting cheese was a pleasant surprise. The Five-Cheese Mac and Cheese, however, left much to be desired, and I shall be informing them of such on their website.

The bills have been paid, the tummies have been filled, the double sided tape has been secured and is being used, and I managed to get more cat litter and ice cream - you know, the important things in life. I got the Queen Mother's dinner ready, then settled down and drew my Inktober doodle for the day. I believe that I will jump on to Instagram very briefly during the weekends, just long enough to post the day's drawing, before jumping off again. I feel good about this because I'm going to be off social media for most of November, avoiding the drama llama stampedes during Mercury Retrograde. I'm three drawings in and having a lot of fun. 

Not sure how the day is going to unfold tomorrow, other than I will be completing another drawing. 

Day 361: on returning to duty

I dipped my toe back into Adulting today, paying some bills, figuring out how much I would need to withdraw to pay other bills, making phone calls, and starting to solidify my plans for who would be watching the Queen Mother while Himself and I were on vacation. I also posted a doodle of Inkblot, who was originally going to kick off Inktober, until I made that wrong turn with the avocado in my veggie wrap.

Tomorrow I will continue to reach out and contact folks on my short list to check their availability, after I go out and pay the bills. Once again, I will actually have Money Left Over when all is said and done, which is a wonderful feeling.

Now I will consider "napping" until it's time for the Queen Mother to be tucked in to bed, then I will definitely sleep soundly afterwards.

Day 360: on inktober and *feeling* my pluto

As I come into the home stretch of one project, I am starting a new one with Inktober. It's doing a drawing a day, ostensibly to sharpen one's drawing skills, but also to have some fun. I'm going to be sharing my "daily doodles" on Instagram, but I'll put the first one here as well...

Here's a wee story as to why I'm participating this year:
I consider myself a strong writer; my storytelling is mainly through my words. I have become pretty good with the art of collage. Photography is also something I work with rather well, when I put my mind to it. Drawing I have considered a "weaker" mode of creative self-expression, because my "realistic" drawing skills are not that good. Back in junior high and high school, I took the odd art class and tried very hard, but found myself being lapped by other students who were way more talented at drawing a shoe, a cat, a tree, and making them look really good.

However, as the years have passed, I've had a significant a-ha moment: though my shoe, cat, or tree might never approach photo-quality realism, I CAN draw a "cartoon" shoe, cat, or tree, and it looks halfway decent. My goal for Inktober is to exercise my doodling muscles, and see what happens from there. My plan is to draw something at random (though I already have some ideas in mind), and maybe go off a prompt now and then from the website, or maybe not.

I almost didn't start Inktober today because I felt so radically sick to my stomach earlier. Today had some good moments, but it was definitely an Out of Sorts day, the first one I've had since our financial windfall in August. I was feeling the Heavies pretty much from the time I woke up this morning. Part of it was feeling tired from not getting as much sleep as I optimally need for the past couple of nights; part of it was anxiety from having to leave the Queen Mother when she wasn't feeling very well (in her words). It's not the easiest, providing care and support for two people, even if one of them is striving to be as independent as he can.

A lot of other folks have been, or will be, feeling Super Heavy feels as Pluto stations direct in a few days. Pluto was the Lord of the Underworld in Roman Mythology, and this planet/oid stationing direct always tends to bring Dark Material from the Shadow Realm up to the surface of awareness to be examined and worked with/through. So no, you and I and she and he are not alone in this.

Back to today: our "quick trip" to the VA Medical Center turned out not to be quite as quick as we had intended. Yes, Himself got his port flushed, but we also picked up a prescription for his newest statin to try. He also stopped by the Gastro-Intestinal department to see about his next "coming and going" appointment, only to find out the combination Endoscopy and Flexible Sigmoidoscopy procedures had been put On Hold by the Cardiologists until he was off the medications he had been put on post-receipt of his stent, which was last May. Well then! No more GoLytely until next May! (oh gee, what a pity.) He also got his annual flu shot before we departed.

Once finished, we went to a nearby deli to grab some sandwiches, and the veggie wrap that I purchased had avocado on it. The avocado, I believe, is what did me in physically. I am one of those unfortunate people who gets wicked stomach cramps whenever I eat it, though they had subsided to nothing over the past ten years. Now, my body chemistry appears to have changed again, and I'm back to not being able to digest avocado properly. All things considered, though, I don't feel it's a big loss.

We ate lunch at the beach, saving Tashlich for another day, then did our necessary grocery shopping - those cats have to eat every day, ya know. I laid down when we got home, got up to fix mom dinner, then laid down again and eventually had an extended nap. I fixed myself a salad after waking up and feel much better now. :)

Himself is making noises once again about resuming his cardiac rehab workouts, so we will see how tomorrow unfolds. I can guarantee another drawing for Inktober, but that's about it.

Day 359: on starting a new year (#1)

Before our alarm went off this morning, my "fuzzy alarm" came and woke me up. Inkblot is very good at waking me up to ask for First Breakfast for himself and his sister. Often he will even wait until after sunrise. So I got up and fed the cats, and hopped into the shower. Himself went through his own morning routine when I got out of the shower. As I was going out to get the Queen Mother's breakfast items together, I had the "pleasure" of stepping in fresh cat puke. How lovely. I cleaned that up before getting to the matter of breakfast.

We got out of the house and breakfast in our bellies in decent time, and avoided much of the Morning Commute traffic by using Google Maps to figure out when to take surface streets vs when to use the highway. We actually made it to the synagogue with a few minutes to spare, which was a good thing, as we needed to pass through security and get our "assignment" for the services. Himself and I "opened the Ark" for a key portion of the service, which allowed everyone to gaze upon the two large scrolls that comprise the Torah, aka the first five "books" of the Old Testament, as they sang and/or recited the prayers of that portion.

The Rosh Hashanah services ended about 1pm, so we headed home to check upon the Queen Mother, feed the cats, and (as it turns out) pay a few bills. By the time all was said and done, it was far past time to try and make it to the congregation's Tashlich ceremony, so Himself and I will be doing our own version of Tashlich tomorrow, and I will explain what that is to my fellow gentiles (non-Jews) at that time. We both agreed to go home, nap, then consider our dinner options after I put the Queen Mother's dinner together.

Roughly two blocks from where we live, in the same strip mall that our now-favorite laundromat is located, there is a new Mexican restaurant that took the place of another Mexican restaurant that we frequented now and again. We chose to try them out, and so far, the experience has been very underwhelming, to be honest. I ordered a veggie enchiladas plate, expecting enchilaldas with actual vegetables in them. We were then told that they had run out of vegetables for the day in the kitchen. Yes, I can eat cheese enchiladas, and I did, and they were decent, but it wasn't what I had ordered, and I felt like I really needed some vegetables.

One of the new owners happened to be present, and when he came over to our table, I let him know exactly what had happened and how I felt about it - nicely, because I am a Libra after all. He gave me a card to present on our next visit for a free plate of veggie enchiladas and a free dessert as well, so that was a pleasant outcome. We will try them again, but we'll definitely check to make sure they actually have the necessary veggies first!

I will most likely be heading to bed after I help the Queen Mother into bed for the evening. Himself has an appointment tomorrow, but it's not till late morning, so I will have an opportunity to sleep in...provided my fuzzy alarm clock can behave himself. ;)

Day 358: on mingling with folks

In the early afternoon, Himself and I made it to our Sunday Support group. I shared about my eye-opening week with the Queen Mother. She woke up to watch her football game (as a once and future Chargers fan) and was happy that they actually won.

Once we were finished, Himself stopped at a clothes store to get a new dress shirt to fit him, since he wasn't sure any of the others would fit. I also got some more hot dogs for the Queen Mother. Other things will abide for now, but come Tuesday we will need to do some serious grocery shopping. We ate dinner before heading out for the first services of Rosh Hashanah this evening. It was lovely to see familiar faces and meet new folks, and someone made a quinoa-tabbouleh salad that was absolutely divine. There was also the customary apple slices in cups of honey, and challah bread, along with several apple-flavored pastries.

Himself discovered some of his ties were on the floor when we came home. One moment, he was attempting to hang up his ties; the next moment there was a very loud cracking sound as the clothes rod on his half of the closet snapped in half. Yes, he has a lot of clothes! Some of these clothes are now hanging in the Queen Mother's closet, but most are now lying in a neat pile on his side of the closet. I would say we will also need to get a new clothes rod come Tuesday as well.

Monday will be an early day for us, as we will be attending the main Rosh Hashanah services that start at 9am. I set intention here that we will get there in a Timely Manner!

Day 357: on considering balance

Today started out damp and has ended damp. I laugh at our weatherman's assertion that "the bulk of the moisture has moved on," considering I heard it rain, albeit lightly, three times after the local news was on this evening. It is definitely the season to wear pants and drink more warm teas, though we have been advised that things will warm up again starting the second half of next week. 

It was a good day to take a deep dive in the Morning Pages, and consider what I can do to strengthen my Spritual muscles. The Pages and this blog help keep my Mental and Emotional muscles in good shape, but my Spiritual practices have fallen by the wayside during the heavier and more intense parts of my Odyssey. The takeaway from my "thinking aloud" in the Pages is that I need to create opportunities to do super quick and easy things, as quick and easy as swiping up on my screen and tapping on Instagram or my Freecell game. 

The two things right now that I can do that are super easy and nurturing are Coloring and Reading. I wound up reorganizing a creative nook that I have, throwing out things that needed to be recycled or otherwise pitched, and gathering together my coloring books. I found that I have been gifted A LOT of coloring books over the past few years; I won't be running out of things to color any time soon! I was going to add some actual books in this nook, but I don't have the room at the moment to do so. I need to rearrange a bit more for that to happen. That's perfectly fine, as it's a work in progress, and I will be returning back to it later.

The rest of the day was easy as well: taking out the trash and keeping up with recycling, preparing dinner for the Queen Mother and myself, then leaving her to her TV programs (Saturday is all about Animal Planet) and enjoying the gift of being At Ease. Tomorrow will bring a new day and the start of services for the Jewish New Year. We will be attending at our synagogue after all.

Day 356: on a non-frentic friday

Today was dry and cooler, and another slow, easy day. I took pictures of the cats and posted them on Instagram. I tried some maple bread from Trader Joe's with peanut butter for breakfast and found it to be a tasty combo. I got my hair washed for the first time in nearly a week - always a significant accomplishment when five-minute showers are the norm. I snuck a dinner date out with Himself, eating cheap burritos. We went out to the synagogue afterwards, for Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year) is just around the corner. On the way back home, we indulged in some ice cream from Baskin Robbins, and even brought a scoop home for the Queen Mother.

Speaking of mom...she was better today, for the first time this week. She still had her mid-day nap, but wasn't out for as long. She says she was "over" getting on the computer for the daily emailing she does with her bestie, but I think she is covering for the fact she might not remember how to get on the computer and what to do when she is on. I have found a website where I can construct a "personal website" for her and update family and friends on her behalf; it might be time to visit that site. As for the tests, she has decided to wait until we get the authorization letter (from her insurance) for her CT scan, then will go get bloodwork when I schedule the procedure with whichever radiology department she's referred to.

As for my other "patient," the GI folks at the VA managed to get a hold of Himself; he has rescheduled his combination endoscopy + flex sigmoid appointment for mid- December. He also rescheduled his next visit to get his port flushed so that it stays free of infections. He elected to keep the port that was inserted in him for his chemotherapy, mainly because nurses have had difficulty accessing the veins in his arms, not to mention the fact that he has a significant aversion to needles. It has proven very handy in the years following his chemotherapy infusions, but he needs to visit the VA Medical Center to get it flushed with Heparin once a month. If there's a need to draw blood for labs, the nurses draw the blood first, then do the flushing. So far, this has worked out quite nicely.

I'm intending on doing a bit of cleaning up tomorrow morning, then going down with Himself to the Alano Club, followed by joining him at the regular Saturday night meeting he attends, as he has the all-important duty of Coffee-Maker for this meeting. Of course, this will depend upon how decent the Queen Mother is feeling that day. Although it would be nice if she started to feel better during the day, I'm not exactly holding my breath. For a long time, I said her mind was declining faster than her body; now her body might be playing some catch-up. I'm just taking life one day at a time right now... 

Day 355: on a damp day

Autumn has officially arrived in my part of SoCal. We awoke to cloudy skies and wet ground, as it rained overnight - not much, but enough to give everything a good soaking. It was a good day to move slowly and gently and just focus on what was needful.

Today was a rare double laundry day, as I went first with the washing of clothes, and Himself followed after me. Inkblot wanted to make sure I was properly separating the dark clothes from the light ones and hopped into the washer as I was loading it. I took some video of him in the washer and posted it on Instagram. Afterwards, Himself and I took both loads to the laundromat for drying. Then it was home to prepare dinner and put away a few groceries that we needed to get before tomorrow morning.

With the day opening up tomorrow, I'm not sure what we're going to do. If the Queen Mother is faring a bit better, I will check with Himself to see if he has any ideas.

Day 354: on shifting focus

The Queen Mother might say she's a bit better, but she is still mid-episode with her gallstones. She took another nap mid-day, waited a while before having me get her dinner ready, yet seemed to perk up a little at night so she can watch her programs. Although she said it was all right for me to go work out with Himself today, I don't feel right leaving her alone for long periods of time, especially when she's like this, so I stayed home.

Himself wound up not working out today. Yesterday was a long day for him, and he didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Besides being tired, his sinuses were acting up on him, so he didn't get moving until late. He had a combination endoscopy/sigmoidoscopy on Friday, but he needs to reschedule it because of some of the heart medications he is on, and we need better instructions as to how to proceed. He will be calling to reschedule tomorrow, and will see if he can't get a fresh appointment before his next oncology appointment mid-October. Personally, I'm not holding my breath.

Speaking of appointments, when I called Rite-Aid to schedule the Queen Mother's Prolia injection, not only did they not have it on record, but they said the woman who called me did not work at their Pharmacy! A follow up call to Dr. M's office revealed that we are going to a totally different pharmacy, so I looked them up on Google and left a message on their voicemail. I never got a call back today, so I will try again tomorrow before I do laundry.

I did manage to review my to-do lists today, shift a few things around, prioritize some other things, and set myself some reminders for tomorrow and early next week. I'm easing my way back into the "administrative" parts of my life, slowly, for I acknowledge I'm still burnt out in many aspects of my mind and my life, and this is one of them.

Besides laundry, I'm not sure what will unfold tomorrow, but that's okay. It feels like I'm entering the Next Phase of this Odyssey, and my main task will be to restore Balance in my life - perfectly appropriate for Libra Season. :)

Day 353: on an unraveling mind

The Queen Mother proclaimed herself "much better" today, getting up at a decent hour and eating her breakfast, no problems. She ate her dinner as well, and I joined her in conversation, after a fashion. (More on that in a minute.) She lent credence to my working hypothesis that she had worked herself into a frenzy yesterday by saying, adamantly, that she did NOT want to go to the clinic to get her blood work done, because it would be "too cold" and she has "issues" with cold. While I was cleaning up in the kitchen, I mentioned to her that we needed to do the tests because it could get me some help, which I needed, since I was taking care of two people. That got through to her, and she agreed that getting help would be a good thing for me. I can build upon this for the future, so I am very happy I finally managed to get this point across.

The pharmacy called today to let me know her Prolia injection was ready, and when did we want to come by? Apparently they will give her the injection in the pharmacy, and she is willing to do that, since it will be both close by and a quick in-out-and-done deal. I'm going to call tomorrow and set up that appointment.

Though mom said she is better, I am seeing a significant difference in her: when our computer rebooted itself (becaause Windows can be a pain in the asterisk), she was completely lost as to how to get to her email, and I had to walk her through it. She had a nap today and fell asleep, saying it was the "first time" that has happened. (No, it wasn't.) Her challenge in finding the right words, or any words, I know about, but it's getting markedly worse. Today she threw in that she is losing the memory of plotlines of books as she's reading them. She can still read, at least, but it looks like her comprehension is slipping away big time. She is also completely lost as to what day of the week it is, what the date is, and is having more and more difficulty telling time.

This is more than simple "age-related cognitive impairment," I am certain. I would like to know what kind of dementia this is, and where she is on the timeline. I just need to work around her growing resistance to going to medical appointments, yet I believe today I was given the key to doing just that.

In other news, Himself has been cleared to return to Cardiac Rehab, so that's what he's planning on doing tomorrow. If the Queen Mother isn't doing too badly, I intend to join him. A good workout seems like just what the witch doctor ordered.

Day 352: on being present

The day of the Equinox was very much a yin-and-yang day for me...

It was a warm day, lovely, with a light breeze and some clouds in the sky, but not entirely overcast. Color has been restored to my mind's eye, and I felt alive and whole, for the first time in a long time. I even went for a walk to get the mail, which was necessary because the Queen Mother was waiting upon her weekly TV magazine to help her navigate the days by telling her when her shows are on.

I needed that walk too, because it allowed my to tap into what was causing my stomach to feel a bit tight, and I allowed myself to feel the Worry fully and consciously. That was the "yin" part of the day - the Queen Mother had a significant episode today, and was in bed for most of the daylight hours. We were going to take her to get bloodwork today, but I suspect she got so upset about going, that she worked her way into this episode, as she doesn't allow herself to get emotional, have that temper tantrum, raise her voice in anger.

She learned early on in her life that "feeling sorry for herself" wouldn't get her anywhere, but I wonder if she learned that lesson too well. I can count on one hand, and have fingers left over, the number of times I ever heard her yell at anyone. I used to feel guilty about expressing my emotions and acting "just like (my) father," as mom would say; now I feel blessed that I allow myself to Feel the Feels and Move Through Them, more and more as I go along, rather than stuff everything so deep down that it has no choice but to emerge as a physical issue, like (perhaps) gallstones, dizziness, and nausea.

I sat with the worry and heard it out: there is still a part of my that thinks the Queen Mother will live forever, and is not ready for her to die. Truth is, I'm never going to be entirely "ready" for her to die. I can expect and anticipate it, yes, and prepare for it, most definitely, but still not be ready. Mommy's not going to get better, I tell my Little One Within, but we will take care of her the best that we can. I'm allowing the tears to fall as I write this, as a bit of Anticipatory Grief.

She says she feels better now. She had breakfast for dinner, watched the voice, and is now watching Bluff City Law (I believe that's the new show with Jimmy Smits starring in it). I'm going to back off tomorrow and bring up the idea of visiting the clinic to get the blood drawn for labs on Wednesday. In the meantime, I will continue to enjoy these final days of Jaguar Weather as we move from Hot to Not Hot in Mostly Sunny SoCal.

Day 351: on re-aligning

I made it to my friend Amalya's place for the celebration of the Equinox today. Yeah, I know the Equinox is actually tomorrow, but we tend to gather on the Sunday before the major Pagan holidays. 

It felt so good to be with my sisters again - even better now that I'm free of the circumstances that triggered my episodes of Depression. I had a few opportunities to share my good news. Appropriate that today was about balancing our Brightness with our Shadows. We had a bit of a meditation, then crafted masks that showed our "light" and "dark" sides. I will be taking a pic and posting it on Instagram tomorrow; I will see if I can post it here as well.

One off my sisters brought her dog with her to the circle. He's a small-ish dog, a mix of something and something else. (Sorry, I'm a cat person.) He has been known to waddle over and plop down under or beside someone who needs a little extra Blessing energy; today was my day to receive his Medicine. I joked that he was trying to get me to come over to the "Dog Side." ;)

The scatter-brained-ness I felt yesterday has dissipated. I feel ready to consider the question of Who I Am Now, since I have finally made it to the Other Side, this week as the moon goes Dark. Tomorrow is the first day of what is called "Libra Season," and it's my Natal Season as well. Mama's coming home once again. :-)

Day 350: on feeling a little off

Today was unusual. I have finished my Moontime physically, but my mind feels like it's still back in the menstrual hut. It's an odd feeling of Disconnect, inevitable now that my circumstances have shifted, and are most likely shifting again. I have a question floating about in my awareness: Who am I now? I remember all of my dreams, desires, and plans, but they don't carry the same oomph that they once did. I am floating on the surface of the ocean and I have no idea which way to go next.

Instead of panicking or getting upset, I see this as an opportunity to sit and listen to myself, the deep stirrings of my spirit, and see what wants to arise. The only thing I did of any importance was catch up a bit in my Happy Yellow Book, which is becoming a place to stash oracular readings and snippets of lists, nothing serious, but whimsical.

I am grateful to have an opportunity to mingle with my sisters tomorrow as I join in the celebration of the Equinox. This does not make the Queen Mother happy, as I am leaving the house and leaving Himself "in charge." Of course she wants me to be with her 24/7, but I have a life I need to live as well. Caregiving may be a part of my life these days, but it isn't the totality of my life...something I am having an easier time remembering.

So I move further into the Autumnal days and towards the new moon with curiosity, as it is time for me to consider my harvest, and separate the wheat from the chaff.

Day 349: on re-entering

I wound up not doing a whole lot today, partly because Himself woke up early and I went back to bed once everything had settled down, so I wound up sleeping in. I was also completing my Moontime and am still a little scattered. Tomorrow will be a better day to do the things.

We also got a late start this evening and wound up not making our meetings; however, we stopped by the ocean and had a good heart-to-heart conversation, one that was a bit overdue. Once we got home, we stepped out quickly to refill one of our water jugs, and have now declared ourselves Done for the Evening.

I'm still a bit tired from the early wake-up call, so this will be another brief entry.

Day 348: on (pleasant) surprises

The Queen Mother's doctor's appointment was today, and she brought her list along. We were actually early for once, but didn't have to wait long. We updated Dr. M. with how she is doing, and the medications she was, and was not, taking. Then she shared her main concern about her memory, and how words were failing her. The worst part about her dementia is that she knows she is losing her mind, so to speak, and can't really do anything about it. :-(

Dr. M. asked her some questions based on the memory test he had at the office. Her long term memory was decent, but her short-term memory was shot. Finally, he saw what I have been seeing for a while! She now has an order in for bloodwork (which we will take care of Monday morning) and they are going to ask for an authorization for a CT scan from her insurance. Although there wasn't anything untoward in her brain two-ish years ago, that might have changed by now. We will have a better idea of what is going on after the CT scan.

While I was with the Queen Mother, Himself went and got a new bus pass, and loaded it up. This way, once mom was safely home, all I had to do was drop him off at our nearby transit stop, and he could take the Express Bus down to San Diego to get to his business meeting at the Alano Club this evening. This allowed me to keep the car and have dinner with the Queen Mother before driving down to my Caregiver Support Group. I was pleasantly surprised and so happy to be able to make it back, at last...and boy did I need it after today!

Once I was done, I drove down to San Diego to pick Himself up, have a bit of a supper with him, and then return home. His bus pass will come in handy for both of us, I am sure!

Tomorrow morning he will be leaving early to open up the Alano Club and "work" his shift behind the coffee bar. We are still considering our options for tomorrow evening: meetings or Selichot services at the synagogue? To Be Determined...

Day 347: on being somewhat useful

I felt rather good today, so I agreed to help Himself with the recycling. Between what we had and what he had brought home with him from the Alano Club, we got ourselves nearly $31, and for recycling, that's pretty good!

After that, we washed the car down and vacuumed it out and cleaned it rather well. I helped out a bit there too, then started to feel a bit overextended. By the time we finished with a spot of grocery shopping, I was rather overextended. Just because the heaviest part of my Moonflow was behind me didn't mean I was free and clear. Once I put together dinner for the Queen Mother, I had a nice lie-down on the bed.

Himself wanted to go out to dinner, and I felt rested enough - and hungry enough, to join him. We went over to Red Robin, one of the places where they serve Impossible Burgers. I had a Mushroom-Swiss burger with an Impossible Burger substitution.

Full disclosure: I have been a vegetarian for ten years. I haven't had red meat since my college years - nearly thirty years if I'm counting right. The last hamburger I had made me horribly sick. When I first bit into this burger - Oh. My. Goddess. I was convinced that it was beef. My mouth was absolutely convinced I had been tricked. I asked the waiter, who assured me it was an Impossible Burger. I waited to get sick, but my stomach said Plant Material - okay to digest! I was beside myself. Indeed, it was Impossible! :-)

If you're into Organic Everything, though, this is not the burger substitute for you. There is some genetic modification involved to make this taste more beef-like, but it doesn't have any meat added to it At All and is 100% Plant Based. I did the research.

Himself dropped me off and went to his meeting, and I rested. I'm feeling much better. This is a good thing, because the next appointment the Queen Mother has is tomorrow, when we follow up with her doctor. Yes, she has her list. We will see what happens. I am planning to ask if bringing a geriatrician on board would be a good move, not that I don't trust her doctor, but it might be time for a fresh set of eyes to look at her.

Day 346: on one more day

I'm no longer feeling Super Tired, but I'm not back up to snuff just yet. So I had another quiet day. The one thing I managed to do was to put away the medications he picked up from the VA Pharmacy yesterday, and made sure his medication regimen for the week was up to date.

Speaking of - Himself did his laundry today, saving the recycling for tomorrow in case I feel like I can help him. He was also totally lovely in picking up the Queen Mother's prescription for Zofran, which helps her with her gallstone episodes. She has a doctor's appointment on Thursday and she says she's going to "write a chart" of all of her maladies. This will be interesting.

I had a Trader Joe's dinner tonight: Veggie Biryani with a salad (of baby greens, mushrooms, artichoke hearts, and one olive), with some Mango Sticky Rice rolls (and a syrup dip) for dessert. Very tasty all the way around.

I might actually be a little more useful tomorrow. I feel like I'm beginning the Ascent. We shall see...

Day 345: on deep resting

Another brief post, as I have spent most of the day resting. Immediately before and during the first half of my Moonflow, I all but can't do anything except rest. I did have to grab some towels to sop up another toilet overflow in the Queen Mother's bathroom, and plunge that sucker three times to make sure it would flush, but flush it finally did. Himself wants to do some laundry tomorrow, so I'm going to see if we can piggyback the washing of the icky towels with drying out his clothes. I believe there are one or two other things that I will be taking care of as well. More on that tomorrow.

And now, back to the bleeding. 

Day 344: on doing before the flow

I have felt the introversion building all day as I get ready to bleed in earnest, most likely starting tomorrow. Even so, I managed to drive Himself down to the Alano Club, then return home and get the necessary groceries and do the necessary laundry. Not only that, my Very Tired moments were just that today...Very Tired. I didn't find myself jumping down any rabbit holes of Depression. Yay for me.
tired.

Being Very Tired, though, I am going to be brief this evening, and leave it at that. 

Day 343: on making an effort

I didn't have to wake up when Himself did this morning, but I did, and received some rare Quiet Time to sip my tea and write most of my Morning Pages undisturbed. Himself had some business to attend to, and needed to make an early start of the day, which I used to my advantage.

Today was a day I treated myself by cooking for myself: egg sandwiches for breakfast, and an Asian-themed dinner of cream cheese wontons, veggie gyoza (dumplings), ramen noodles, and mango sticky rice rolls for dessert. I added a salad to my dinner for the greens. Granted, mostly it was a matter of heating and eating, but I enjoyed taking the time to prepare my meals today.

Before the feasting was some cleaning, of taking out the trash, two bags of recycling, and putting the right items in the right boxes. We are going to have some bottles and cans of our own to add to the recycling Himself brought home from the Alano Club, so we might get some nice change out of this at the start of the coming week. I capped off all of the tossing and sorting with a nice long shower, quite refreshing after a hot day.

After some discussion with Himself, I am keeping the car tomorrow, dropping him off at the Alano Club and coming back up to dry our laundry at the laundromat and do a bit of grocery shopping. We are going to see if we can attend our Sunday Support group first. It will be a kinda busy day, but not a crazy busy one. 

I made a list this morning of all the things I needed to do this weekend. Checking things off one at a time is very satisfying. :)

Day 342: on a "freya power day"

I call Friday the 13th's Freya Power Days: Friday is "Freya's Day," for the Norse Goddess. 13 is a traditional Power Feminine number as there are 13 moons in a year - and it was the tracking of the moons that led us to start charting time in the first place. (Google the Earth Mother of Laussel for more on this.)

I found this day to be rather prickly, energetically; I found myself easily thrown off by changes in plans. I called this a "Porcupine Day" as I felt ready to fluff out defensive quills in every direction. So I took it extra easy today, staying home and helping the Queen Mother with her shower, not making too many plans. I was called by my sponsor and welcomed the opportunity to converse with her; afterwards, that seemed to be the stabilizing event that I needed. It didn't hurt that I declared this a Comfort Food day and indulged in some mac-n-cheese tonight for dinner.

I'm feeling a lot calmer and at ease tonight, looking forward to staying home again tomorrow and taking care of the trash and recycling. Yay for Huswifery! ;)
(I'm only sightly sarcastic here...)

Day 341-ish: speaking of oopsies...

I didn't even realize I had not blogged yesterday until right before I went to bed! I thought briefly about turning my tablet back on and dashing off something quick, but I let it go and promised myself that I would pick up where I left off tomorrow, and here I am.

I might have been a bit perturbed for about thirty seconds, but I realized pretty quickly that it was actually a reflection on how good my Self-Care had been yesterday: keeping my exposure to ALL media at a minimum, as I am in a rebuilding and recentering process right now, and I really didn't have the bandwidth to witness any explorations of Collective Grieving and Angst at this time. Next year, I will share my story, because I do have one. If you live in the US, for sure you have one, and I saw one or two of them briefly today.

Though I was pretty well offline yesterday, I was not totally sequestered at home. I accompanied Himself to the VA Medical Center in La Jolla for his Neurology follow up appointment, which came at the perfect time, so we could discuss what was going on with his leg with the new resident. After some Q & A and evaluation, our current working hypothesis is that his leg issue doesn't have anything to do with his cholesterol medication at all, but is instead a pinched nerve that starts just below his abdomen and moves down into his thigh. That would explain 1) why he had cramping in just one leg and not the other one, as well as 2) the "Mystery Pain" he had earlier this year. He has a short-term solution (a new medication and an injection into his nerve to dampen down the signals) that will help him work on his long-term solution of Exercise to drop his weight and create some new blood vessels in his leg.

The Queen Mother has also been keeping me on my toes. Besides having another gallstone episode today, she has been complaining about the arrangements of the cushions and pillows on the couch. If you are familiar with the story of "The Princess and the Pea," you have an idea of what I'm talking about. The only difference is that the "pea" is her nerves that express constant discontent in sitting still on the sofa, and one group of nerves or another fires off - and she still strives to find the Perfect Arrangement of Soft Things that will shut them up, if only for a few hours at a time. At least she seems to be letting go of the cats being "imprisoned" indoors, at last!

I had one set of plans for today, and Himself had another set of plans. He fulfilled his, while I stayed home to watch after the Queen Mother (due to the gallstone episode I mentioned above). I move my plans to Saturday, and wait to see if I will actually get to them. Tomorrow looks to be a bit of a busy day, but I'm not 100% sure about that. It will depend on the Queen Mother's health.

I will be picking up where I left off, and look forward to completing the challenge of this Daily Blogging next month. :)