Day 357: on considering balance

Today started out damp and has ended damp. I laugh at our weatherman's assertion that "the bulk of the moisture has moved on," considering I heard it rain, albeit lightly, three times after the local news was on this evening. It is definitely the season to wear pants and drink more warm teas, though we have been advised that things will warm up again starting the second half of next week. 

It was a good day to take a deep dive in the Morning Pages, and consider what I can do to strengthen my Spritual muscles. The Pages and this blog help keep my Mental and Emotional muscles in good shape, but my Spiritual practices have fallen by the wayside during the heavier and more intense parts of my Odyssey. The takeaway from my "thinking aloud" in the Pages is that I need to create opportunities to do super quick and easy things, as quick and easy as swiping up on my screen and tapping on Instagram or my Freecell game. 

The two things right now that I can do that are super easy and nurturing are Coloring and Reading. I wound up reorganizing a creative nook that I have, throwing out things that needed to be recycled or otherwise pitched, and gathering together my coloring books. I found that I have been gifted A LOT of coloring books over the past few years; I won't be running out of things to color any time soon! I was going to add some actual books in this nook, but I don't have the room at the moment to do so. I need to rearrange a bit more for that to happen. That's perfectly fine, as it's a work in progress, and I will be returning back to it later.

The rest of the day was easy as well: taking out the trash and keeping up with recycling, preparing dinner for the Queen Mother and myself, then leaving her to her TV programs (Saturday is all about Animal Planet) and enjoying the gift of being At Ease. Tomorrow will bring a new day and the start of services for the Jewish New Year. We will be attending at our synagogue after all.

Day 297: on pulling it together

I started doing some Spritual work today, to see if I could strengthen my connection to Divinity and the magick of the Unseen. Today I read up on Persephone, for She is the aspect I have been resonating with quite a bit in this wild Odyssey of mine.

Himself brought some recycling home yesterday, and took it to our favorite recyclers today. Adding our can collection to what he brought home, we got a nice bit of change which went into the gas tank, and helped to buy some much needed groceries. We're looking pretty good now to finish the month.

We also switched around a few things this week, so we're in for some "early" days ahead. Looks like I'll need to practice my Imitation of a Morning Person, which I did pretty well in the days of College and Working, for it's gotten a bit rusty. I'm looking forward to getting back in the Exercise saddle besides Himself. I've found that I've dropped a bit more weight, and am just about where I was when this Caregiver odyssey began. It's been moving my body here, trimming a few calories there...and my clothes are starting to fit better as well.

For those who joined me this year: a Healthy Weight has been a challenge for me all of my life. When I met Himself, I was about 40 pounds less than I am now, having radically restrucured my eating habits. I was all but vegan, and was a Medium size for the first time in my life in clothes. (Looking back, I also see I was on the verge of becoming anorexic, so I'm glad I met someone who enjoys food as much as I do.)

Between Himself's cancer adventure, and then the Queen Mother's mind adventures added on top of that, I went on an emotional eating spree, replacing all of the weight I had dropped in previous years, and then some. It's only been within the last few months that I have returned to healthier ways of eating for me and my body type, and I am both seeing and feeling the difference.

Tomorrow begins the fun. I might, or might not, be a bit sarcastic right now. ;)

Day 271: on screwing my head on straight

With the most intense of the eclipse energy ebbing, I managed to pick up my head and screw it back onto my body. The only thing I can do right now is Persevere, so that's what I set out to do.

I received a call from PACE - a group that helps with the elderly in San Diego County - and will be calling them back on Friday. I also talked with another group I was referred to, specifically for help with the Queen Mother's Medi-Cal situation, and set up a phone appointment to speak with them on Friday. Himself tied off his loose ends with applying for various programs online, then we made our way down to La Jolla to work out.

After himself gets checked in, the staff take his blood pressure and assign him a little heart monitor he wears in a pouch around his neck, so they can keep an eye on how well his heart is doing. As I am the "healthy" spouse, I don't get a little heart monitor. Then he is / we are put through his / our paces on the various machines. Today I diverged from what he was doing when I went to the reclining eliptical and he took on the Stairmaster, but we came back together to finish up on the treadmill. I got my Sparkle on once again. ;)

It was nearly 4:00 when we were finally finished, and there was the pre-holiday traffic to contend with on the way home - until we got to the 15. While the traffic was frightful on the highway itself, it was nearly delightful in the carpool lanes, which we were able to take full advantage of. We were not nearly as delayed as we thought we were going to be, but we kept to our plan of grabbing some takeout (our monthly treat) and stopped at Panda Express before we arrived home.

The fact that we stopped to grab takeout helped lift my spirits today. Just the idea that we were doing something that "normal" people do without a second thought (most of the time), brought a bit of "normalcy" back into my life. It might sound very weird, but if you're ever at the point where eating out is a rare luxury, especially when you once rarely gave it a second thought, you might get it.

Once home, I got dinner ready for the Queen Mother, and after a handful of  interruptions, got a chance to eat my own dinner. I especially enjoyed the fortune cookie with some dark chocolate. Then I had an evening shower because I could not stand my hair another minute, as it felt particularly gross after both working out and my not being able to wash it for a few days. It's nice and clean now, and I won't have to worry about trying to wash it before leaving tomorrow.

We have been invited to a couple of Independence Day parties tomorrow, and we shall be happy to attend them. It will be nice change of pace to get out and Be Social. I feel better about going out tomorrow than I felt about going out for Memorial Day.

For those who will be celebrating tomorrow: may your barbeque be delicious, may your pets be safely indoors, and may you emerge from the festivities with all of your body parts intact. Mind the Fireworks, people! (They are illegal in California, BTW).

Day 225: on stepping out

I got my contemplative walk in! It was so nice to be out in the fresh air and sunshine!

I went to Kit Carson Park - not the wildest of places, but they have a neat duck pond, which I have shared about previously. There were ducklings today swimming about with their moms and practicing their diving skills. As it was May, they were no longer the tiny cute fuzzy ducklings, but I identified them by their peeps and their slightly smaller size than the mature ducks.

I also took a small walk about the park, saving a long hike for another day. What struck me most was towards the end of my sojourn, when I saw an orange tree that had been previously burnt (?) that had new growth in its center, and was producing oranges again. It was in bloom, and the orange blossoms smelled Divine. I felt that tree was a lot like me: scorched by calamity in the past, but with new growth arising from its center today.

I find my Serenity and Inner Peace when I can step out of the Nonsense and Cacaphony of the human world, and connect directly with the Natural World, whether in a forest, at the beach, or even a semi-wild park. As I walk upon the bosom of Mother Earth, observing my Wild Relatives, I come back home to myself.

I have been needing to do this for some time, and I am needing to remember to do this more often. So I shall set down my Intention and see what happens. :)

Day 214: on what happened next

The Reader's Digest version: yes, Himself had a heart attack, but it wasn't as serious as the cardiologists feared. He is now the proud owner of a swank new stent.

The slightly longer version:

The Queen Mother took her weekly-ish shower First Thing, before breakfast. We had breakfast together, then I showered. I was left a message that Himself went to the Cath Lab while I was breakfasting, so I didn't have to rush down to the hospital. I got a few essential things from Trader Joe's and put some gas in the tank - thank you Federal Tax Refund! Then I went down.

The two hour procedure had an extra hour added onto it, due to the insertion of said swank new stent. Himself then called me on my cell to let me know he was back in his room, so upstairs I went. He/we received a few visitors today. His blood pressure and heart rate are way better today than they were yesterday, so they finally fed him some dinner, and he was ready to eat it..

I came home to feed the Queen Mother (and myself) dinner, then went back down to spend a bit more time with him. Both of them want more time with me, which makes it a challenge to juggle mom time with husband time; so far, though, I say it's working. (They would individually grumble.)

Playing it by ear tomorrow, depending on what the cardiologists and Physical Therapy folks have to say. The latter group wants to make sure he will be steady enough on his feet. We will also see if he can make his eye appointment (which happens to be in a different department in the same facility) in the afternoon; either way, I will be driving him home.

I managed to get the mail from the mailbox this evening. All will abide until he gets home, whenever that happens to be.

Day 205: on a nourishing sunday

My idea to switch off yesterday was interrupted, initially by participating in my monthly conference call, then by wanting to inform everyone that we were okay, and finally a reluctance to switch off again. I wasn't looking for drama; I just wanted to connect and feel connected. That's partly why I went with Himself to his regular Saturday night meeting, so I could converse with adults without cognitive issues!

I chose to switch off today, and I have been much more successful. I switched my phone on briefly this morning, and my tablet just now, but everything has been OFF in between, which has allowed me to read, and begin to color two mandalas. I keep getting stuck on the one mandala and found I could switch to the other one.

The weather was cool and breezy today, with gathering clouds. Earlier this evening it started to sprinkle. There's also the possibility of rain falling tomorrow, so I might carry my easy feeling over for another day or two.

I'm feeling okay. Money is good at the moment. We're all feeling good at the moment as well. We shall see what tomorrow brings.

Day 145: on adjusting

I did one of the two things I had planned on doing today: the laundry. I chose to wash my hair today as well, since it had been a little over a week since I was last able to. I didn't make it to the support group because we had to do a bit of essential grocery shopping to get a few things we either had just run out of, or were just about to run out of. That we were successful in, and I still have a bit of money left over in the bank. I also used a freebie to get a Venti black tea lemonade from Starbucks, which I will finish off tomorrow.

Since I switched off my devices on Sunday, I have been more mindful of how much time I'm spending on Social Media, which in my case, means Instagram. I'm all but off of Facebook at the moment; the only thing I am "saving" it for is the Livestream that the Southern Caregiver Resource Center presents with its monthly classes. If I can't get to their main office, something that I haven't been able to do for the past several months, I can still tune in to the presentation. Now if there was a Livestreamed support group available, that would probably make my life a lot easier.

Back to Instagram: I have started making changes there as well, not just in which accounts I'm following, but also in when I put it down and pick up a book instead. I am still wanting to fill time, but not in a way that will get me super upset. Though the accounts I follow online are mainly positive, it is still part of the Internet, and all it takes is one insensitive comment to get the snowball going. Then I (am learning to) step away before I wind up saying something I would later regret. Between these last tumultuous few years and my inherent Scorpio rising tendencies, my patience with fools has been wittled very far down, and it's only because I know better that I'm able to do better, or at least, not do worse.

Tomorrow, in theory, is Himself's prep day before his next "coming and going" appointment (an endoscopy combined with a flexible sigmoidoscopy) to check on his innards. However, we have just learned that a friend is visiting the ER right now, so plans might have to change. We shall know more tomorrow; in the meantime, a prayer or two on our friend's behalf would be appreciated.

Day 107: on being in a rebuilding phase

We are a bit more than halfway through the new year, and I feel like I'm in a Rebuilding phase. I have let go of a lot of stuff from the past few years, and a lot has been sandblasted off of me over the past few years. I feel rather empty, yet cleaned up and ready to be refilled. My question is, with what?

One of the reasons I composed a "100 Things " list was to mine my previous dreams and goals for clues as to what remains within me, now that the Dumpster Fire has all but burned out. I found a little girl who still wants to create, but perhaps not in ways she previously has. I found the Priestess, a bit banged up and bruised, perhaps, but she still carries Magick within her spirit. I found a woman who wants to travel with her husband and have new adventures. I found a social butterfly, her wings pumping to get some life back into them, after staying folded for a long time. I found these aspects of myself that I was afraid I had lost.

My challenge is to navigate the rebuilding in situ, while life continues to unfold around me. Just because this Dumpster Fire is out doesn't mean there aren't hot spots buried deep in the rubble, or that other dumpsters won't catch fire on their own accord. 

Case in Point: I received letters from the County of San Diego office yesterday. According to them, all of the answers I have gathered are now moot, because the questions have been changed. There are three different options for the Queen Mother now, and her Social Security paymet looks like it's too much for all of them. My initial reaction on seeing these letters was, What the Actual Fuck! (pardon my Swahili) 

My new bestie the Pragmatist chimed in as I began to eye the familiar rabbit holes: "Look, call AARP, get a quote from them, take the quote to the county and see what that number will get us. We can move forward from there." Sensible plan. Now I want to go to the hearing, if for no other reason than to get someone there to sit down and explain what is going on in Plain English. My working hypothesis is that they are rolling out April's new Federal Poverty guidelines now, to minimize the hot mess that is gaining momentum in DC and theatening to spill over even more into the other states. So we shall see what happens this week.

Despite all of this, my initial impulse this time is not to isolate, but to reach out, reconnect, sympathize in some areas, but also to return to communities beyond mere support groups. I've done the surviving part; more and more, I want to return to a place of Thriving again. For the first part of this year, I will need to limit myself to "free" activities, especially if I come up with a solution to the Queen Mother's Medi-Cal that everyone can live with. The second part of the year looks much brighter, at least in this moment, and I am happy to go with that.

I'm going to see if I can work up some old-fashioned momentum and get as much done as I can, on a holiday that some folks don't really want to celebrate. It may be hit and miss tomorrow, but if nothing else, my ducks should all be in a row come Tuesday, when business will be back to usual. Pray that I find that magic number!

Day 92: on ringing in the new

Himself and I have just returned from a friend's birthday party. It was lovely seeing folks we knew, and making friends with folks we didn't know. After we got home, though, I found that some ants had snuck into the house, and were crawling all over my teakettle, and were setting up to crawl all over Himself's coffee maker! So I had to tend to them quickly before coming in and blogging.

I had arranged to Skype with a friend earlier today, and then I was going to do some online work. It turned out I did the online work before talking with my friend, and I may have finally found a solution to the Queen Mother's ongoing Med-Cal challenge, with a potential bonus to boot! I need to make a phone call or two to check things out, but I'm feeling hopeful for the first time in a long while.

I got the dishes in the dishwasher and started it up before we left for the party. Our friend's house turned out to be closer than I had thought, which was a good thing. It was starting to rain when we left for the party, and was coming down at a pretty good clip when we returned home.

One of my intentions this year is to be More Sociable. I have been isolated, more or less, for a few years now, so to see and to be seen, and to have conversations with other reasonably functional adults, is like water to a very thirsty plant. My roots are drinking up all of the water and beginning to bring vital moisture to wilted leaves. I rejuvenate, gratefully.

Tomorrow will be a quieter day, perfect to do some more in-depth planning. Tonight, ants notwithstanding, I am content.

Day 72: on allowing myself to rest

I didn't go to the holiday tea party today. I woke up as it was scheduled to start, in fact.

I have realized that my Moonflow actually provides an answer to one of my prayers: once a month, ready or not, I am given a few days to rest, because my energy levels ebb and my mind goes totally introverted. I don't want to interact with the outside world while I bleed! So I took advantage of the downtime by journaling, and catching up on blogs, and generally moving very slowly. The realization is that I can give myself the "staycation" I desire every single month, if I plan it right. The trick is to listen to and observe my body closely, especially now that I'm moving through perimenopause, and schedule things accordingly.

Tomorrow I'll begin to ease myself back into the fast tempo of the world. Tonight I just might brew myself some green tea and consider plotting out the week ahead.

Day 71: on getting along

First, the fabulous news: I turned in my IHSS Provider timesheet for the first half of Novenmber, and the paycheck was NOT gobbled up by the dreaded Share of Cost! So by Monday, I will have some money in my bank account! Woohoo!

With this, I am inspired to fill out the (always) necessary paperwork and see if I can get my lost pay for October resent to me. I thought I would have to go back to the County office yesterday and see if I could finagle a form that I need from them, but then I found that the form I already have is undated. So I made a copy of the form and will attach them to the other papers to fill out.

Tis the season, apparently, to fill out forms - besides tracking down my lost pay, the electric company wants to re-evaluate our household (to make sure we still qualify for a rate discount), and I need to fill out some forms to see if we can get a little help for the HELOC while we wait for Himself's personal injury treatment to finish up. As I mentioned previously, we're not expecting any settlement money for about 4-6 months, so I need to take some action.

Yesterday and today have been particularly slow days, for I have been on my Moonflow and loath to do much of anything. Yesterday I got a few more "glad rags" while I was out of the house; tonight Himself and I accepted an invite to a holiday party and spaghetti dinner. It was an okay party, but nothing that knocked my socks off, and the dinner portions were a bit on the small side, since there were many people there and only so much spaghetti (and salad) to go around, plus the pasta sauce had meat in it. We managed, though.

I have plans to attend a Yule Tea Party tomorrow, but I'll need to see how I feel first. If I continue to feel this tired, I might cancel my plans. To be determined...

Day 57: on gifting myself with time

Today is a good day to do an afternoon blog, where I can let my thoughts stretch out a bit and have some breathing room, instead of trying to cram everything in at 11:30 at night after either a late event, or putting my brain into neutral and not thinking too much more at the end of a given day. So here we go...

One of the downers yesterday was that my plan to "catch up" with a couple of chores I didn't get done earlier in the week got derailed with more extensive-than-anticipated phone calls, and those calls didn't give me the outcome I had hoped for. Today, however, I caught up on those chores, by sweeping up the kitchen floor and taking out all the trash. The recycling will have to abide for the moment, as all of the bins are full, awaiting the city trucks to come and empty them.

About those calls...on the one hand, I will be able to get the necessary paperwork (for the Queen Mother's annual Medi-Cal evaluation) together tomorrow to be able to turn it in on Monday. I will also see if I can get my Provider's pay from the state on Monday, as there is not a share of cost, in theory, attached to her Medi-Cal at this time. (In practice, we shall see!) The situation basically boils down to this: with the state paying her Medicare Part B premium, she is over the "Federal Poverty line" and has a share of cost attached to her Medi-Cal. If the state were to not pay her Medicare premium, she would be below the line, and there would be no share of cost on her Medi-Cal. So I'm going to take a shot in the dark and see if we can ask the state to not pay her premium. I have no idea what the answer is going to be, but at this point, I have nothing left to lose.

Last night, Himself and I went to the synagogue, and then to dinner with some of our fellows for a "Nosh-n-Shmooze." I had all but forgotten how nice it is to be able to converse with other functional adults, outside of the family unit! I had a lovely time and felt re-energized on some levels. Tonight we're going to see if we can do some more noshing and shmoozing with some of my sister Priestesses (and their Priestly consorts) at a party this evening. Being with peeps is good; being with peeps who share your vibe is even better. Last night was Himself's turn, and tonight (Goddess willing) it will be my turn.

I have come to the question of how I can balance all of these things in my life, or at least, inviting some more consistency to my times of respite. That's where Scheduling comes in. I have tried before to schedule the vagaries of my Caregiving life, but my efforts didn't get very far. This time I'm coming at it from a differeng angle: putting in the blocks of time where I have to help out the Queen Mother, or tend to appointments, first; then taking into account what necessary Chores are needing to be done; and finally seeing which times are going to be Strictly for Me, and where I have some wiggle room for whatever chooses to arise. This way, I have a solid foundation to work off of every week, which has the flexibility to change from week to week. This feels like it will serve me better; I'll keep y'all posted.

It appears that I will have the opportunity to practice good form and settle into a nice groove this month, as December has only a few appointments to worry about. January is a different story; we're not exactly hitting the ground running, but we are going to picking up the pace soon after the New Year begins. I will deal with it all as best as I can, per my usual. :)  

Day 46: on "getting it done"

It's never a good thing when I wake up and my mind is galloping along so fast that I can't go back to sleep. Instead of allowing it to continue galloping into a panic attack or a depressive episode, though, I took some time to brew some tea and dive into my Morning Pages. One nice raging rant later, I realized that I was taking everything WAY too Personally. I found a belief that I was somehow being "singled out" somehow for some sort of "punishment." The interesting places my Stinking Thinking takes me sometimes!

Anyway, once I finished my tea and my Pages, I went on with the day: breakfast for the Queen Mother, gathering up necessary documents, and a quick shower before we were off to the Credit Union to get a copy of my bank statement (since their systems were down, I couldn't print it off at home), and finally to my appointment with the County of San Diego to see if I could get any other help.

The appointment took about an hour and a half, and when it was done, my mind was goo. Answering tons of questions, presenting various documents, filling out and signing a couple of affidavits - and after all of that, I am probably going to be denied a spot on the dole because 1) I co-own a home (with the Queen Mother) and 2) I have a bank account (again, with the Queen Mother). Somehow, if things continue in the slow-yet-steady pace of Cultural Erosion that I've noticed, I think there's a good chance more people like me will start looking for help, and the criteria might need to be changed. Perhaps.

I was asked a question that momentarily stumped me, though, when I was invited to discuss everything I owned. It struck me as odd because most of the household items we have were purchased by the Queen Mother, or at the very least, in a joint effort. I had to think about things that I, personally, had purchased myself and could claim sole "ownership" of. Aside from clothes or a few pieces of costume jewelry, there isn't that much I could say that I actually owned. (As far as the cats go, they own me. Am I right?) When I look at our home as the Queen Mother's Power of Attorney, though, then I come into "ownership" of the items in the household, and that's the card I chose to play.

When I was done at the County offices, I really wanted a stiff drink, but as alcohol does NOT agree with me, I settled for an Arnold Palmer (black tea + lemonade) from Starbucks before Himself and I finished off the day. We paid the car registration and swung by the grocery (which was busy today and will only get busier tomorrow) to grab some essentials before going home. I put my brain in the fridge (metaphorically), had some comfort food for dinner (actually), and promised myself not to Think Deeply until tomorrow.

I have returned to a mandala I started to color in last year, then abandoned part-way through. I am planning to post more of my mandalas on Instagram, if anyone is interested. So once I finish here, I'm going back to coloring and taking it easy. Tomorrow is another day and there is still much to be done.

Day 33: on seizing opportunities

Today has certainly been a mixed bag...

Himself left early to hit up the DMV for the renewal of his driver's license. Although he was advised to make an appointment, the only appointment available was at an office some 2-3 hours away from our home! Not having the gas to make a 4-6 hour round trip, he went to a much closer office to see if he could get a place in their  queue. It turns out he has to take a driver's test first, and the earliest slot available is in mid-December, after his birthday! He has a temporary license to bridge the gap, but still! He also has to get a doctor's note regarding his vision, because his left eye is wonky. Best of all: although he has a passport card, he has to provide his Social Security card if he wants to "upgrade" his driver's license to one of these Real ID cards. A Federal passport card isn't good enough?! I'm at a loss for words here.

Then there are my governmental misadventures: through talking with IHSS, I found out that either the Medi-Cal official's waiving of this Share of Cost nonsense was ignored, or it was waived, then immediately reinstated. The Share of Cost looms large, and until it gets rescinded for good, IHSS can't give me any of my money back. I don't blame them, as their hands are tied in this situation. As for Medi-Cal, this iceberg is shaping up to be a honking big Glacier, and it looks more and more like I'm going to need some significant help to get this huge mess straightened out. More phone calls tomorrow - oh joy! :p

The opportunities I seized upon provided some glimpses of Sanity through this nonsense. As Himself managed to walk out of the DMV before noon, I was able to finagle a trip out to Questhaven and walk the labyrinth! It was nice to immerse myself in Nature and walk upon "holy ground." I could feel myself unclench, which turned out to be a very good thing, as I visited the County Offices after we returned home. I might have caused a bit of a scene otherwise!

This Wednesday evening also happened to be the evening The Unity Center had their quarterly Mindful Meditation service. I went to that while Himself took in a (separate) meeting. I had a very good experience tonight, feeling like I could (and for a brief time, DID) transcend the Insanity and re-anchor myself in my Spirituality. Himself picked me up when all was said and done, and we came home. Despite the Governmental hijinks, I feel lighter and less stressed now, and also very tired. I almost posted another of my brief "filler" entries, but as you can see, I managed to write and publish a full post. :)

Tonight I actually asked for some prayers on my/our behalf. I am definitely going to need some good prayers for tomorrow, as I turn my full attention to straightening out this whole Medi-Cal situation... 

Day 31: on hitting the highlights of the day

So I will summarize...

After hunting down a bit more paperwork needed for Himself's personal injury case, we managed to get our glass, plastic bottles, and empty cat food cans over to our local recycling company. Our total haul came out to a bit under $19.00, which doesn't seem like much, but might wind up being the difference in getting the bills paid and overdrawing in the bank. I'm hoping to visit the credit union early tomorrow before the next round of (Himself's) appointments, and voting.

I'm starting to put a bit more effort into cooking dinners for myself again. (It's pretty well a to each their own household at mealtime - I'm the vegetarian, Himself is the "semicolon," and the Queen Mother eats whatever she damn well pleases, unless it might cause constipation.) Today I cooked up a package of gnocchi and topped it with some marinara sauce. Tomorrow I plan to take a Spanish rice packet and add some seasoned Pinto beans to them. This might carry me through the rest of the week. I usually manage to have a fresh salad with my meals; right now it's mixed greens with some mushrooms added to them. By degrees, I begin to take better care of myself. There are more adjustments I can make, but they will come with time...and money.

I colored some more in my mandala and humored mother by watching some TV with her. I know I'm playing a little hide and seek with the paperwork I need to fill out; let's see if I can manage to fill it out tomorrow. Perhaps...

Day 4: on balancing time commitments

Today was a more "typical" day for us, as far as the quality of our days go...

After we got up in the morning (and fed the cats), I helped the Queen Mother assemble her breakfast. I grabbed things out of the fridge and carried her bowl and tea mug to the dining room table, for mom is unstable on her feet and needs to hold on to her canes for balance. I got her chair ready to sit in and opened the curtains behind her so the sunlight could illuminate her dining area.

Once Queen Mother was squared away, Himself and I set about fixing our breakfasts and finishing the process of waking up. I got in a quick shower, and we set off to our "home away from home," aka the Veterans Administration Medical Center. Since his cancer diagnosis, we've had numerous trips down to the VAMC, so many that 1) I can put the car on autopilot to drive down there, and 2) I could find my way around inside the hospital blindfolded. Today there were a pair of routine appointments on the docket: a port access with bloodwork to be drawn for lab analysis (for his next oncology appointment on Thursday), and a follow up visit with the pain clinic to make sure his pain management was on track. We're trying to see if the VA will cover future chiropractic visits for him after his Personal Injury treatment is finished...and for those of you joining this journey who aren't in the know via Facebook, it's a story I will share at another time. We also got the written report of the CT scan he had this past Sunday (another piece of the Personal Injury puzzle), and stopped by the Neurology department to see if there is an appointment available before January 30th, 2019. That is to be determined, as he was told to expect a phone call sometime this week.

I go with Himself to his VAMC appointments to help him answer the questions his doctors ask him, since he has Traumatic Brain Injury, and is challenged with dates and times. I also go with him so we can take advantage of the carpool lane that runs in the center of I-15, which is a necessity coming home; otherwise, he would either be stuck in the Commuter traffic, which starts up somewhere between 3-4pm on weekdays, or he would have to pay a pretty penny to use the carpool lane during peak hours - which can get up to $9 one way - before it goes "HOV Only," meaning there must be at least one other passenger in the car if you want to use the carpool lane, no exceptions. We returned home just a bit after 4pm, and I switched back to helping the Queen Mother, this time getting her dinner assembled and carried out to the table.

My husband needs my support. My mother needs my support. Though Himself rarely complains about the situation, Queen Mother often tries to play the guilt card: talking about how "lonely" she is when I'm not there, or complaining about the house being a mess "because nobody is home to clean it up," among other things. To be fair, she feels challenged by her physical disabilities, more so as she gets older, and I suspect that there are times she gets jealous of Himself because she has to "share" me with him after my many years of being a Singleton. Some days I can let her complaints slide, and reassure her that I won't abandon her, and that I'm doing the best I can. Other days, I get short tempered and resentful, and I retreat to be alone in my room for a time, lest I unleash my anger upon her. It's a fine line to walk some days, and that's even before I consider where my energy levels are, and whether I need to support myself, and what I need to do to support myself.

Today wasn't a bad day in that regard; everyone got their needs met, and I'm satisfied overall. If I could string a few days like this together, it would help...but tomorrow might be different. Fortunately I have an opportunity to attend a Caregiver Support group tomorrow, so I'll check in after I get home and speak on that...or maybe I'll speak about something else. We shall see.