Day 277: on staying atop the waves

This morning, instead of doing the Morning Pages, I played a game called "Sorting Through the Queen Mother's Medical Records." In this second run-through, I actually found a handful of records from 2002-2003, so I took these with me to her appointment.

I was very proud of her when she spoke up and said directly to Dr. M. that she was experiencing nausea; I chimed in and said that her "episodes" were becoming more frequent and more intense. When Dr. M. pressed upon the left side of her abdomen, she admitted to feeling some pain. He then wanted her to get some blood drawn for labs and for us to schedule an ultrasound for her stomach and liver. We went around the corner to visit the "vampires" of Labcorp; fortunately, the Queen Mother tolerated their air conditioning better this time around, partly because we weren't stuck there for an hour! Once her blood had been drawn, we went down to Radiology to schedule her ultrasound. Dr. M. also wanted a Bone Density test next month; I lucked out and managed to schedule both appointments on the same day. In the meantime, she was given an antinausea medication to take as needed.

Before we left the doctor's office, I mentioned to him my challenge in getting the Queen Mother registered in the Working Disabled Program, and showed him the documents I had found. Although she didn't start seeing Dr. M. until 2005, he had his internship under the doctor she was seeing at that time. At any rate, not only did he advise me which of the documents would be helpful, I ALSO got a letter from him supporting our cause. I don't think Dr. M's letter will be sufficient in and of itself, but I can include an affidavit from me, along with a few other records I've been told would be useful. Now I just have to get it all pulled together and pay a visit to the County Office!

At any rate, when the Queen Mother's current appointment was finished and her future appointments were set, Himself and I took her home, then went to pay the bills I was going to pay yesterday, but wasn't able to till today. Between some road construction on the main thoroughfare, and an accident on the Southbound 15, traffic was a hairy mess. Nevertheless, the bills got paid, and we swung by Trader Joe's to grab some quick dinner. 

Once my dinner was finished, I joined the Queen Mother at the dining room table in eating. She had been asking me to eat with her more often; today I was able to do that. I've spent the rest of the evening putting the her medical records we have received in chronological order. I don't know if I'll be using anything else that we have, but at least we have it. 

The pace will slow a bit tomorrow, as Himself "only" has a Cardiac session scheduled. I might get around to some of the phone calls I need to make tomorrow; if I don't, there's always Thursday, which has nothing scheduled at the moment. :)

Day 245: on calming down

Today Himself and I went out to get a new cat carrier. Though the original plan was to get one more Inkblot-sized, we got one that was nicely Pippa-sized. If I have learned one thing through this whole process, it's to take advantage of the resources offered to us and not to quibble too much about specifics. Flexibility is key!

While we were out, we stopped by the motel and managed to check out one of the suites: it's big enough for the three of us, has decent privacy, and has a sofa bed at the perfect height for the Queen Mother. There is a Mexican restaurant a dozen or so steps away, and the motel also offers its own free hot breakfast daily. Nice!

The one downside is that they don't accommodate pets, but no worries there either: we have combined Plans A and B, wherein a good friend will cover the boarding of the cats at a Petsmart in town. They asked us lovely questions: would you like us to feed them with your food or our food? Would they like some fresh catnip toys? (Our food and some catnip toys, please and thank you. Inkblot tends to rip the toys apart, as catnip makes him a wee bit too excited.) They won't be happy away from us, but at least they will have a boutique experience, and a can of people tuna awaiting them when we're all reunited at home. ;)

We're feeling much better about everything after checking out the motel for ourselves, and with everything covered, can now focus on the bagging of the food we won't be taking with us (as the fridge in the suite is very small) and the trimming of the bouganvillea. 

I am noticing the handiwork of Goddess in all of this, making sure every piece of the puzzle has come together smoothly, even if the pieces didn't look like I expected them to. I am also noticing that I am still easily frazzled and thrown off-stride. Though I can recover quicker these days than I could in the past, I am still hoping for/desiring some Extended Downtime in the near future.

Tomorrow I will be refocusing on the homestead, as Himself tends to his business in San Diego. It's a bit of a bummer that he won't be around, but it can't be helped.

Day 184: on tackling the to-do list

It was a beautiful day...to take a look at my to-do list and see what the highest priority item was. That item: taxes.

I have prepared my own taxes for years on end, as I am a very simple and easy person, tax wise. This year I printed out the "new and improved" 1040 form, and wasn't super impressed. Leave it to the government to fix a system that wasn't really broken in the first place! I opened up my trusty tablet and downloaded the instructions as a PDF, to save myself paper and headaches.

Anyway, I have been delaying doing my taxes because I figured I would be owing everyone significant amounts of money, due to the partial cash surrenders I had to take out last year. Imagine my surprise when I did the math and found, instead, I get a REFUND, thanks to that handy little thing called Earned Income Credit. Imagine my further surprise when I found that the State will also be sending me some refund money as well, also due to Earned Income Credit. They won't be huge windfalls in either case, but perhaps I can use them to get caught up on the electric bill, if nothing else!

I filled out the forms, then realized I forgot to include a 1099 that I had also received last year. It didn't affect the refunds on either the Federal or the State level, but I stil needed to throw it into the pot. So I redid the forms, and now they're ready to go into the mailbox. Yay me.

One more pleasant surprise was seeing an entire section of the newspaper devoted to Caregiving. I pulled it out and read just about all of it over breakfast. I'll probably finish it up tonight. It had some good information in it, along witb a guide to the Caregiver Expo that's going to take place next Saturday. I attended the first expo last year, but I'm not sure if I'm going to attend it this year. This section, however, covers many of the topics that are scheduled to be covered at the expo, so if I don't make it, it won't be that big of a deal.

Tomorrow is an "empty" day on the calendar, so once again I'll be playing things by ear. I'm actually looking forward to seeing what will unfold; that's a very good thing. :)

Day 180: on shifting my perspective

While writing in the Morning Pages, a radical idea came up: what if I am exactly where I'm supposed to be, doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing? What if many of those times I have been depressed have actually been instances where some of my Stuck Ego has died and been sloughed off and away? What if my down moments have contained secret gifts that I'm only now opening?

I am certainly a different person now than I was at the start of my Odyssey, and I have yet to sit down and try to quantify these changes. Thinking about my travails in this fashion has settled me down a bit, and I'm not so anxious as I have been.

I managed to get the washing of the sheets (for the Queen Mother and for myself) done today, and we managed to get to Walmart today. Score on both counts.

The evening was interesting: a dinner seminar about retirement at Carver Steakhouse in Rancho Bernardo. The topic piqued Himself's interest, because he's going to need some advice about what to do with his VA back pay when it finally comes. So we have a free appointment tomorrow morning, with no further obligation. I think we'll talk to this dude, one of the Credit Union's investment dudes, and maybe one or two others before we choose who will advise us. Himself was very impressed with Carver's Prime Rib, whereas I batted my eyes, smiled sweetly, and asked for a vegetarian substitution. I was rewarded with a penne pasta dinner with red peppers, asparagus, and broccoli in an alfredo sauce, along with some oh-so-divine garlic bread.

Dessert wasn't offered, but Himself got an idea in his head from an earlier conversation we'd had, and he took me to a Krispy Kreme donut shop. We got half a dozen donuts, three of them being the California equivalent of the "Boston Cream" donut. I had one, he had one, and the Queen Mother had one. We all agreed that they were lovely.

So we will see what happens tomorrow with the consultation, and afterwards. It might or might not rain; it didn't rain during the day today, but it had rained overnight Tuesday night into Wednesday morning. My ears are up and listening for more rain, just in case. April showers - what a concept!

Day 164: on remembering & receiving

Made it to the beach today. Didn't stay as long as I would have preferred, but I remembered the lesson of Going Small: sometimes a few minutes will expand and fill up all of the time. The beach was covered with rocks, with all of the Winter storming we've had, yet at low tide, there was plenty of sand to be seen. We got a chance to see fog actually rolling in. It was really cool watching wisps of mist blowing by only a few feet away at ground level.

I found a pair of magic stones to take home with me: one is a "holey stone" - that is, a hole has been drilled all the way through it by an industrious mollusk, or worn through it by water. (In my case, it was the former.) They are considered very lucky and are variously considered to be protective, and/or revealing the truth about another person if one looks through the hole in the stone. I am very happy to have one that is authentic. The other stone is a mottled black and white stone that fits perfectly in my left hand, and almost perfectly in my right hand. I'm calling it a "worry stone," because I can focus on releasing my worries while I'm holding it. I asked both of them if I could take them home with me, and they said yes.

This turned out to be Himself's last physical therapy appointment through the VA, at least for the time being. He's inspired now to find a program he can sign up for to start swimming and doing some hydrotherapy, as his leg and back muscles won't hurt while exercising in the water. On the way home, the Queen Mother called up all upset about a minor deal. I found myself doing my usual wind-up-to-get-angry, until I realized: if it truly was a minor deal, why was I about to make it a major deal? I actually managed to let it go and not grab it back again; in so doing, I found the Courage to Change the Things That I Can, that is, my own reaction to what I had been given. Hopefully I will remember this beyond today!

After getting Home, Himself went on to the chiropractor to get his final "personal injury" treatment and evaluation. He already has the ball rolling with the VA to get monthly "maintenance" appointments moving forward. I had a phone call to make with one of our more obnoxious creditors, and it went much better than I had anticipated; I made a deal with them that we can live with, at least in the short term. Afterwards, I had a very tasty dinner with a veggie pot pie and a bowl of split pea soup. It boggles my mind that I went so long in life without knowing the joy of split pea soup, but at least I rectified that "error" in my education. ;)

Looking very much forward to tomorrow, as I shall be getting some time out with a good friend, and Himself will be looking after the Queen Mother for once. This Equinox Week is shaping up to be a good one, so far!

Day 124: on the parting of the clouds

I got up a bit later than I had anticipated today, because a certain four-legged member of our family thought he wanted to go out in the very cold, then changed his mind, then wanted to try again an hour or so later, and finally went out in the sorta cold. When my alarm went off at its usual time, I hit the snooze button more than once. I finally got up when the Queen Mother shuffled out of her bathroom and into the front of the house.

Despite my late start, I tidied up the table and had just enough time for my shower before our "guest" arrived, a gentleman representing our life insurance company. (It was a scheduled visit, to be clear.) We spent a few minutes reviewing everything, then he left a quote for Himself, should he be interested in purchasing a policy of his own in the near future.

Speaking of Himself, I accompanied him to his appointment with his Primary Care doctor in Mission Valley. His blood pressure was taken, his list of medications was reviewed (and was finally up to date!), his recent "adventures" were reviewed, his concerns were addressed, his heart was listened to, and all was judged to be well, and he'll be seen again next year, barring any new complaints. It was a painless trip, if not a quick one - we were there for an hour and a half total, and still needing to navigate commuter traffic home, along with needing to make a quick stop at Trader Joe's to boot! We wound up arriving home about 5pm.

We stopped by the mailboxes at the back of the complex before we called it a day, and there was a little present in the mail for me. I opened it after dinner and found a most wonderful gift: cards and stationery, with envelopes already stamped, ready for snailing. There were also a pair of gift cards tucked in among the cards, and some fun stick-on bling! I loved all of it, and was so deeply appreciative. I inadvertently rang the sender of my present (I had wanted to send her a video response, but we wound up video chatting instead!), but we had a nice brief chat. I am very happy. :)

Let's see if I can bottle up some of this happiness for tomorrow, when the Queen Mother and I finally pay our visit to the Social Security office!

Day 123: on the magic of play

So first off, let me share the picture of my finished vision board. I had promised I was going to share it last night, but I wasn't in the space to post anything at all...

I've also had the idea to alter the front of a little yellow notebook that I purchased on sale, as part of a set of three, and I've been doing that over the past couple of days. I want to share that with you as well:

For the last three days, I've been doing more than collaging; I've been playing. Playing wih images, playing with layout, playing with color. I have been Creating through this play, and I've noticed that the Heavies are not nearly as heavy as they were, especially today.

I consider it a minor miracle that, as cranky as I was yesterday, I woke up this morning with barely any crankiness. Yes, I tended to the laundry, and kept an ear open while the Queen Mother took her shower. Yes, I have some more financial concerns on the immediate horizon - but I mainly Played today, and the other things barely bothered me at all. I am surprised and deeply Grateful for this shift in attitude. I even did a reading for myself today, and got some good results from it. 

I'm shifting back to the mandalas in the next day or two, as I will be filling "long" stretches of time in waiting rooms. But I seem to have tapped into a source of Magick by switching up my modalities, so I'll have to see what other opportunities to Play arise for me as Winter begins to thaw subtly into Spring.

Day 104: on making a list of "100 things"

Today was mainly a rainy day. There was a gap in the downpour this morning, and Inkblot chose that moment to ask to be let outside. I let him out, and realized that it was a lot brighter than usual, because it was a lot later than usual - 9:40am, in fact! I had a choice: to go back to sleep for 20 minutes, or to go ahead and start my day. I chose to embrace this gift of Quiet Time that I had been given and moved into the day, starting with a shower, feeding Pippa (the much smarter cat of the household), and easing into my Tea and Morning Pages ritual. I actually finished writing in the pages before the Queen Mother arose, as the rest of the household rose and began to shine much later than I had.

Yesterday and today I have been doing an exercise I learned from a planner I have gotten in the past, and will get again in the future, when I have the means to do so. It's writing down a list of things to do in 2019, whch can range to the most basic and practical to the most elaborate and fantastic. I have actually gone back through some old lists and found things I didn't do, sat with them to see which were still doable and which I needed/wanted to let go of, and wrote down those that still sparked a little in my heart. Many of the things from the older lists turned out to be creative in nature, something that found a deep resonance in my spirit, as creating artsy things has been the furthest thing from my mind these last few years!

I combined those things with things that I would like to do for myself as a Caregiver, as well as things I would like to do to make myself healthier, things that I would like to start doing again, and things that I need to do once we get some decent money coming into the house again. It took a couple of days, but I did come up with 100 things that were not repeats or reiterations of earlier items.

A random sampling of a few of these items:
4) Read Mark Twain's Autobiography (which I still haven't done)
87) Get new glasses and sunglasses (the latter pair snapped in half last year)
36) Drink half my weight in water
77) Retrieve (from storage) and resume my art journal (combining words with hand-drawn pictures brings a whole new dimension to my journaling practice)
58) Get rid of all electronic waste (taking items to a special recycler instead of just dumping them in the trash)
You get the idea.

It was a good day today. Though we got to the support group a little later than I would have liked, the group was small, and I was still able to share at length. It was misty off and on this evening, and I got a nice "mood shot" for my Daily Story. Between the easy pace, the composing of my list, and the support group, I am feeling a measure of peace and serenity. There are still challenges ahead, but they feel much more achievable now.

Tomorrow is supposed to be partly to mostly sunny for much of the day, so there will be a change in the weather, and the start of a drying out period. There are one or two things that we will need to do outside of the house, but I might also do a little wandering about. We shall see...

Day 81: on finding a bit of merry after all

It was raining when I woke up this morning. In colder climes, this would have been snow, and the perfect recipe for the fabled "White Christmas." As it's SoCal with its "Liquid Snow," it turned out to be a Wet Christmas for most of the day, much to the cats' dismay. ;)

With an invitation to attend the annual Christmas feast and party at the Live & Live Alano Club in San Diego, I had a choice: part of me saw the rain and wanted to stay home, nice and quiet. Part of me wanted to get out of the damn house and be a Social Person, to see and to be seen, and see if I could find a smidgen of the holiday spirit I seem to have misplaced with my back misbehaving. I had a choice, and I chose to push through the quiet melancholy in search of a bit of jolly for my holly. Glad I did!

After a quick breakfast, Himself and I grabbed some holiday beverages ("unleaded" eggnog for me, coffee for him) and braved the soggy roads for the trip south. We passed a handful of accidents along the way; people seem to forget how to Drive in Weather in SoCal on an annual basis. We made it unscathed, fortunately, and our prayers went out to those who wound up having a way worse Christmas, thanks to the slippery highway.

I've posted pictures of the festivities on both Messenger and Instagram in my Stories sections. There was plenty of food to be had and plenty of gifts to be opened and exchanged. I dutifully picked the ham out of my collard greens and enjoyed a vegetarian plate, while Himself enjoyed the meat. We split a dessert plate with cheesecake and chocolate chip cookies. As for the White Elephant gift exchange: we started with a hand soap + lotion set, then wound up with a set of tealights. This made me very happy - in taking care of myself and the family, "getting tealight candles" has been far down the priority list, well behind "securing cat food and people food," and also such matters as "paying bills." So to finally get my hands on some tealights made my Inner Priestess very happy.

By the time we were ready to leave, the rain had stopped, the skies were much clearer, and the roads were much drier. We made up two plates to go: one for Doug, a friend who's going through some challenging times these days, and the other for the Queen Mother, with smaller portions this time (lesson learned from Thanksgiving). Now it's a quiet evening, and I have rested my back sufficiently to be able to blog about my day.

Christmas turned out to be not bad at all, and perhaps I can carry this serenity and sense of Grace through the rest of my Yuletide. :)