Day 360: on inktober and *feeling* my pluto

As I come into the home stretch of one project, I am starting a new one with Inktober. It's doing a drawing a day, ostensibly to sharpen one's drawing skills, but also to have some fun. I'm going to be sharing my "daily doodles" on Instagram, but I'll put the first one here as well...

Here's a wee story as to why I'm participating this year:
I consider myself a strong writer; my storytelling is mainly through my words. I have become pretty good with the art of collage. Photography is also something I work with rather well, when I put my mind to it. Drawing I have considered a "weaker" mode of creative self-expression, because my "realistic" drawing skills are not that good. Back in junior high and high school, I took the odd art class and tried very hard, but found myself being lapped by other students who were way more talented at drawing a shoe, a cat, a tree, and making them look really good.

However, as the years have passed, I've had a significant a-ha moment: though my shoe, cat, or tree might never approach photo-quality realism, I CAN draw a "cartoon" shoe, cat, or tree, and it looks halfway decent. My goal for Inktober is to exercise my doodling muscles, and see what happens from there. My plan is to draw something at random (though I already have some ideas in mind), and maybe go off a prompt now and then from the website, or maybe not.

I almost didn't start Inktober today because I felt so radically sick to my stomach earlier. Today had some good moments, but it was definitely an Out of Sorts day, the first one I've had since our financial windfall in August. I was feeling the Heavies pretty much from the time I woke up this morning. Part of it was feeling tired from not getting as much sleep as I optimally need for the past couple of nights; part of it was anxiety from having to leave the Queen Mother when she wasn't feeling very well (in her words). It's not the easiest, providing care and support for two people, even if one of them is striving to be as independent as he can.

A lot of other folks have been, or will be, feeling Super Heavy feels as Pluto stations direct in a few days. Pluto was the Lord of the Underworld in Roman Mythology, and this planet/oid stationing direct always tends to bring Dark Material from the Shadow Realm up to the surface of awareness to be examined and worked with/through. So no, you and I and she and he are not alone in this.

Back to today: our "quick trip" to the VA Medical Center turned out not to be quite as quick as we had intended. Yes, Himself got his port flushed, but we also picked up a prescription for his newest statin to try. He also stopped by the Gastro-Intestinal department to see about his next "coming and going" appointment, only to find out the combination Endoscopy and Flexible Sigmoidoscopy procedures had been put On Hold by the Cardiologists until he was off the medications he had been put on post-receipt of his stent, which was last May. Well then! No more GoLytely until next May! (oh gee, what a pity.) He also got his annual flu shot before we departed.

Once finished, we went to a nearby deli to grab some sandwiches, and the veggie wrap that I purchased had avocado on it. The avocado, I believe, is what did me in physically. I am one of those unfortunate people who gets wicked stomach cramps whenever I eat it, though they had subsided to nothing over the past ten years. Now, my body chemistry appears to have changed again, and I'm back to not being able to digest avocado properly. All things considered, though, I don't feel it's a big loss.

We ate lunch at the beach, saving Tashlich for another day, then did our necessary grocery shopping - those cats have to eat every day, ya know. I laid down when we got home, got up to fix mom dinner, then laid down again and eventually had an extended nap. I fixed myself a salad after waking up and feel much better now. :)

Himself is making noises once again about resuming his cardiac rehab workouts, so we will see how tomorrow unfolds. I can guarantee another drawing for Inktober, but that's about it.

Day 331: on getting calm

Today was a productive-yet-restful day for me.

I spent some good time with my Tea and Morning Pages ritual in the morning. I detangled my mind a bit by sorting through the last week's mail, reviewing my old lists, then making a new list which I can tackle starting on Tuesday, as tomorrow is a holiday for many. I cleaned off the main counter. I had my egg sandwiches for breakfast and mac-n-cheese for dinner, as I felt like I deserved some treats. After dinner, Himself and I went out for essential groceries and cat food. 

In between dinner and grocery shopping, the Heavies decided to pay an unannounced visit. Though I was tempted to skip the shopping for this evening, I made myself go, partly because the cats would not wait, partly because I wasn't sure exactly what would be open and what would be closed tomorrow. Better to be safe than sorry, and I did perk up while I was out and about. Sometimes Depression has no rhyme nor reason, but I am happy to say it has dissipated.

Another treat for myself was to download the Calm app for my phone. If you're not familiar with it, it's about meditation and (ahem) mindfulness. It's become very popular. There is a free "regular" section and a paid "premium" section, but the freebies are extensive, so I have a lot of material to work through before I would even consider unlocking the premium parts. I've used it before, but ran out of memory on my old phone, so I had to uninstall it. I very highly recommend downloading it if you're going through stressful times, or even just for the daily grind. 

There are some parties tomorrow that we are planning to attend, so I will stop here and get ready to grab forty winks. 

Day 304: on a manageable monday

I Got some bills paid, which always makes me feel good. Himself did some laundry, which makes him feel good. Treated myself to some frozen yogurt and sat outside, because that's how Jaguars thrive. Veggie gyoza that I fried and steamed myself + veggie ramen noodles = fun in my belly for dinner.

On the flip side, there were some very Heavy moments in the day that I had to breathe through. I was planning to stay home and let Himself go to his Cardiac session alone, until he realized he had a business meeting (not Alano Club oriented, for once!) that he needed to atttend. So it looks like I will be joining him tomorrow. I would like to get back in the exercise groove and keep my health momentum going! :)

I'm also going to see if I can get Inkblot's harness tomorrow. He's adjusting okay, but I know he misses his Outdoor Adventure time. 

Day 293: on wading through the molasses

I ran out of my regular chai tea I get from Trader Joe's, so I needed to sniff around in my tea tins. I found a bag with a couple of teabags from (I believe) the Republic of Tea company. I don't know what flavor it was, but it was very tasty. It went very well with my Morning Pages today.

I needed all of the delights I could get, for today was a Heavy day off and on. My Depression is convinced that this is as good as it's going to get, so Giving Up would be a good idea. I steadfastly ignored it and did some decent Adulting instead: updating my to-do list, sorting through mail, dealing with paperwork, making return phone calls.

I managed to get a hold of a woman in the PACE program that St. Paul's church runs. (No, you don't have to be Catholic to benefit. They helped out my local uncle and his family and he was Presbyterian.) They primarily help with medical support, and some adult day care. I am bookmarking them because the Queen Mother doesn't need that level of help at this moment - and getting her over to a daycare situation would be challenging at best, with her chronic pain issues.

Himself was invited to speak at a meeting tonight, so I went with him. Getting out actually helped lighten me up a bit, as I felt a bit more Reconnected with life and the world. He will need the car tomorrow, as he will be pinch-hitting at the Club for an evening shift, so I will be staying home. I'm going to try to see about tackling the kitchen and a bit of recycling, which should, in turn, help my frame of mind. 

Day 282: on trying to catch my breath

Himself felt better after sleeping off most of most of his migrane, and talked me into visiting our Sunday Support Group. We were later than usual, but we made it, and it did feel good to check in and be witnessed.

Afterwards, we did some grocery shopping today so we wouldn't have to worry about running around tomorrow, post Cardiac session. There are still a few things I will need to get, but not too much.

I have felt very Heavy much of the day. At one point I realized that I was missing the life that I had before Himself's cancer experience, before the unraveling of the Queen Mother's mind. Though I cried most of my tears yesterday, I found a few more today, and let them flow. 

Right now my main concern is to figure out what, if anything, is going on with the Queen Mother. Second to that is to get the All Clear for another three months from Himself's oncologist. These are the things I am going to focus on this week, and whatever else I can get done will be a bonus. 

Back to the grind tomorrow...

Day 273: on the challenge of keeping the faith

A day of the Heavies, shot through here and there with Inspiration.

I am getting good at channeling the Blah energies into fuel for my workout. I can crush goals on a couple of the devices, and a couple of the other devices steep me in Humility. All in a day's work.

I am also good at turning the attitude around in my Friday night meeting. Our stories are not identical, but there are enough similarities where we find Common Ground, and can commiserate.

Aside from these intervals, though, the day has been Heavy with all the things Yet To Be Done. Some of them are doable, but others seem to be well out of reach. I'm having a bit of difficulty keeping the faith at the moment, especially since the Light at the End of the Tunnel turned out to be, once again, a fast moving freight train.

I'm going to try my very best to Do Something this weekend, but if I wind up Doing Nothing again, c'est la guerre.

Day 140: on wading through the Heavies

I didn't get a good night's sleep last night, and woke up out of sorts. I knew the best place to take my turbulent thoughts was to my Morning Pages, and I made the full three page entry today, objectively dissecting my thought processes and seeing exactly what was going on in my Stinking Thinking.

90% of that which drags me down, whatever form it takes, stems from the feeling of being Super Tired all of the time. I know I'm not Physically Tired; it's more Mentally and especially Emotionally Tired. My biggest fantasy right now is to take an entire week away from Caregiving and all of the Heaviness that surrounds it. Room service wouldn't be necessary, and a spa day or two would be nice! As you can tell, this would involve some money for this fantasy to become reality.

In the meantime, I put the decluttering and reorganizing aside for today, and stepped out into the clear and cold day to accompany Himself to his Cognitive Behavior Therapy appointment to see if it could help him with his pain. I go along with him to remember what he might forget, at least in theory. Getting back home took forever, as there were several accidents on the 78 going east, and we had to detour onto surface streets, and their traffic lights. Le Sigh...

We did get home, and we did eat, and I did rouse myself up to venture back out into the clear and colder night to attend Erev Shabbat services at our synagogue. Even though I don't actively pray with the congregation, I do enjoy mingling with other reasonably functional adults, and we are greeted warmly every time we show up. Socializing is one of my lifelines that I'm making an effort to attend to this year. I came home feeling better than I did when I left, which is always a good thing.

Perhaps I shall shelve all ideas of doing constructive work this weekend and focus on Recharging my Batteries. Hopefully I'll sleep better tonight. Regardless, I am still climbing that mountain.

Day 117: on working through the day

A little more shifting around of schedules today, as we got a later start than expected...

Himself had a follow up appointment with his Neurologist today. We were making good time to the VA Medical Center until we got onto I-5 from the local bypass. There was a gnarly accident less than a mile ahead, and traffic was quickly coming to a standstill. Fortunately, we were able to take the first exit off of the freeway without too much fuss. Once we arrived at the VAMC, he got out of the car and I took the wheel to find parking. There seemed to be more folks than usual today, because parking was at a premium, even in the parking garage. I wound up parking on the roof of the garage, then made my way down and around to the side entrance. Himself had already gone back to see his doctor, but called for me to come back and be with him once I had texted that I was in the waiting area. The appointment itself was quick and painless.

Afterwards, we pooled our money together and wound up having just enough for me to get a personal-sized veggie pizza. (Food at the VAMC is at least half of the price you would pay anywhere else. You just have to be mindful of what you get.) He surprised me afterward by going to Torrey Pines State Beach, where he pulled out a ham sandwich that he had made at home, and we had a wee picnic by the Pacific. 

Before you ask: yes, he is Jewish, but ham is one of the few meats that actually agrees with him post-colon removal. There's some weird cosmic joke in that somewhere.

After our picnic, we beat most of the commuting traffic home, and arrived in plenty of time to fix dinner. Himself steamed some rice, and I took some of the rice and added white beans and corn to it, then added a simple salad to the dish. He added his rice to some sweet and sour chicken from Trader Joe's. Tomorrow, Himself is expecting to get paid, and we can do a bit more grocery shopping after we take care of a little bit of business.

It was a good day - yet there was some Heaviness that wanted to creep in around the edges. It was enough to throw me off of my game a little bit (but not horribly), and I was content to stay home for the rest of the day, after dinner. I did a little rearranging in the kitchen in the evening: looking over all of Himself's meds and gathering together what has expired. The VAMC in La Jolla has a blue box we can dump expired meds in, near their main entrance, so we'll be doing exactly that next trip. I prefer doing that rather than throwing anything in the trash, or worse, flushing anything down the toilet. I'm all for anything that will help dispose of medications in a responsible way.

I suspect the Heavies were acting as a sort of "spritual barometer," indicating a change in the weather ahead. We are expecting rain on three out of the next six days, and they are all going to cool off the temperatures significantly. I'm not looking foward to the rain, but I'll manage. I have managed so far. :)

Day 109: on coming out from under

The Heavies from yesterday followed me into today. :p

Basically, I'm waiting on a direct deposit from the State to replenish my account so I can take care of the essentials (like grocery shopping), as well as to get the Queen Mother signed up with her supplemental insurance. I was advised she would need to rejoin AARP in order to take advantage of the insurance. The fee to rejoin is not horrid, but as I currently have less than a dollar in the bank, it's Not Doable at the moment. Add to that the fact the Queen Mother's Medi-Cal hearing is this Thursday, and I'm more than a little antsy about that money coming in, hopefully sooner rather than later! Fortunately, Himself found a small check that he was able to deposit today, so we were able to nip to Trader Joe's and grab a few essentials.

Yesterday and part of today, I felt like I was back in the 2018 dumpster fire again: money all around me, but swirling just out of reach, and no knowing exactly when I would be getting any of it. I think I'm making progress in moving forward in my life and replenishing my well, but when something like this happens, I see how little progress I've made after all, and I find myself stuck like the turtle on my back, limbs flailing as I try to find purchase on something, anything, to grab onto and right myself. 

Today, though, I did find purchase, and righted myself. I took a nap during the day and woke up to get the Queen Mother's dinner ready. Usually I try to keep going, and wind up crashing, totally mentally and emotionally spent, in the evening, after dinner; of course, this doesn't help my trying to get a good night's sleep one bit. With the daytime nap, though, I felt as though I finally had a chance to unclench, and take full breaths again. 

Now I am listening to some "meditative" music on Pandora, something I am beginning to practice consistently this year: from roughly 6:30 to 7:30 in the evening, I'm in my room, listening to my calm music instead of the news, which the Queen Mother chooses instead. I call it my Sanity Hour. ;)

I'm going to tidy up a bit when I'm done here, check on the Queen Mother, then settle back in and color some more of my latest mandala. Tomorrow is indeed another day, and hopefully, one with money! 

Day 108: on feeling a step off

It was definitely a typical Monday, if there is such a thing.

Today I felt like I was a step off in everything. I didn't get a whole lot of sleep overnight, so that put me behind the 8-ball to begin with. Most everything I wanted to accomplish today had to be postponed until Tuesday, thanks to key holiday closures. The Queen Mother was in a mood today, and I responded badly to it. Himself was not feeling his best, and I responded badly to that too. I tried a few tricks to avoid Depression, but I wound up going down that rabbit hole anyway. (not very far down, but still)

I would say the eclipse last night brought up a lot of the old patterns from last year, and with everything being quieter than usual due to the holiday, I fell back into the snarly knee-jerk reactions that I had cultivated during the more stressful times. Feeling Stuck all the time is tiring, and I want to move past that and unstick. Hopefully, with business returning to usual tomorrow, I will feel like I'm moving again. Today was not a good day, and I'm glad that it's almost over.

I think I will call this a post, and save any further kvetching for my Morning Pages. Until the morrow...

Day 62: on rainy day reality

I have mentioned before how much I have wanted to have a rainy day at home. Today I did - and the reality didn't match up to the fantasy. Sir Isaac Newton says it best in his Third Law of Motion: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

My action was to cultivate a sense of Abundant Gratitude within. The reaction was a doubling down on my Depression. I had a massive case of the Heavies, a sense of Why Bother? flowing and ebbing through the day. Instead of curling up in bed and settling in for a 24 hour nap, this time, I resolved to Push Through...

While Himself watched the "never ending" coverage of the last journey of former President Bush (the elder), I put on headphones, found a jazzy station on Pandora, and tidied up the kitchen. That helped a little. Eating a late lunch helped a little. Doing some Shadow Work in the shower helped a little. The Heavies stayed stubbornly with me.

Finally I chose to step out into the Wild Wet Weather and check in with one of my caregiver support groups. There was actually a thunderstorm on the way down, and I felt the Heavies dissipating with each visible lightning strike. Suddenly, my angst didn't feel so big and overwhelming, when compared to the Awesome Power of Nature - not to mention that i felt rather grounded when we reached our destination.

The axiom When you don't want to go to a meeting, is when you really need a meeting, rang quite true. Himself and I got to the group at about 6pm. Both of us got a chance to share, and both of us got a chance to Witness. I came away with the idea that being an Only Child isn't necessarily a bad thing. Sibling rivalries, particularly around Wills and Trusts, can be very ugly.

Himself had originally considered hitting up a casino after the support group (he's rather good at Blackjack, and we're willing to try and curry Dame Fortune's favor at this point), but looking at the weather, and considering the winding twisty roads we would need to navigate to get to one of the decent non-smoking casinos, we chose to wait for the weekend (when it won't be raining), and chose to have a nice dinner instead (with a bit of his birthday money that he had stashed away).

I realized this was another thing I miss: just the two of us, having a nice dinner out, putting aside Duty and Responsibility for a couple of hours, eating tasty food and enjoying the ambiance. This is something I can prioritize, particularly in my "Going Small" perspective; dining out once a month doesn't seem too much to ask.

So we are back home, with a pair of coping cats who don't like the rain, and the Queen Mother, who is shuffling along the best that she can. Aren't we all...coping and shuffling along the best that we can?

Day 24: on suiting up & showing up

I did not want to get going today. I woke up with a case of the Heavies and it took me a while to shake it off, but I'm glad I did.

The first stop was at the County Health & Human Services office; fortunately there is a branch on the other side of town, so I didn't have to make the drive all the way down to San Diego. The IHSS people told me to talk to the Medi-Cal people a few doors down, so that was my next stop. Himself was with me, mainly to get out of the Queen Mother's hair, and his presence paid off when the attendant at the kiosk machines took one look at his cane and gave us a Disabled "Express" ticket.

When our number was called, we went to the assigned desk and I explained the situation again. The woman at the desk was very polite and understanding, even laughing at Himself's jokes as he cracked wise. She passed the Queen Mother's file along to one of the case workers, who we went to see when our number was called again. (I passed the time mainly by reading Caregiver articles from emails I had tagged "for future interest" on my phone.) The case worker was also very polite, and just as confused as I was. Not sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Eventually, she rescinded the dreaded IHSS Share of Cost for October and November...but we have until December to figure out how to get the Queen Mother back under the Federal Poverty Line. What, we have to be more broke than we already are?

Moving on: we nipped from one bureaucratic institution to another and drove down to the VA Medical Center (which is looking more and more SANE, if you can believe it! Himself received his physical therapy treatment for his right shoulder and inquired about his left shoulder; he will need to be referred back to PT by his primary doctor. Then came a trip to the Pharmacy to renew some of his medications. I'm in charge of keeping track of his meds, both in getting them ready for the week and making sure he doesnt run out of them, because of his TBI. This is my primary role for him right now - making sure he doesn't forget stuff, like taking his meds, or what a doctor might tell him at one of his numerous appointments.

On the way home, we stopped at Target to grab groceries, mainly for mom and the cats, and some for us as well. Tried to pay for the Queen Mother's groceries with her EBT card, but the darn thing wouldn't work! Fortunately, I had enough cash to cover everything, but my mood was not the best when we got home. I fixed the Queen Mother's dinner, then cooked up some mushroom ravioli for Himself and myself. Felt better after eating.

Then it was time to suit up and show up in a different way, as I accompanied Himself down to Beth Israel in La Jolla for a community rally. The place was SRO, and it was a lovely sight to see. Basically, the spiritual and civic leaders came together to affirm and promote Tolerance and Inclusivity in San Diego County. Many words were well said. Afterwards, Himself and I made our way to Denny's for some dessert. I had the Tres Leches "dessert" pancakes, and Holy Mother they were Deeeeeeeeee-Viiiiiiine!

I believe a good way to counter the Fear Culture is to find and cultivate as much JOY in life as possible. Tres Leches pancakes go a long way in doing that. :q   

Day 9: on doing the shadow work

As I mentioned previously, I started in on journaling around the Heaviness I was experiencing a couple of days ago, in order to unpack what, exactly, was stinking in my thinking. Whereas I would normally wait until the entire process was finished before sharing my results, I was inspired by a video made by a friend about sharing during the messy in-between times, as well as sharing the nice shiny journey when it was all over - and frankly, this whole blog is about sharing during the messy in-between times! So, a bit of sharing the preliminary results of my digging down to find the root, if you will...

The main source of my Stinking Thinking is feeling Overwhelmed by life, whether I'm thinking about what I still have to do around our home in order to get it a bit more "reasonable" (I abandoned the "Grandma Clean" standard a long time ago, trust me!), or whether I find myself carrying the angst of the world upon my shoulders. In the latter case, I seem to have this idea that I (and I alone) need to "transmute the suffering of the world" so that everyone will feel better. I'm not quite sure where I picked up this Goddess complex - heh, I just came up with that - and I'm not quite sure how to drop it Once and For All. Still working on that.

Both of these concepts were part of the Heavies, but neither was ultimately the real root. Beneath these concepts, however, the word Sacrifice suddenly leapt into my mind. I dug a little further, and found the root at last: I have been feeling for some time that I've just been Sacrificing more and more and more of myself - whether financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically, or whatever - and getting nothing in return. It has that "Suffering in Silence" quality to it as well.

I found some resentment towards Himself brewing there, for I don't feel like he's been Sacrificing "as much" as I have. I challenged that resentment immediately: "So how many times have I asked for help on a Social Media platform? or in Real Life, for that matter?" I acknowledged I haven't asked for help near as much as he has, when push has come to shove. "Why not?" I asked next...and I don't have an answer to that question. Yet.

This is where I am now - what is the Block within me that prevents me from asking for help more?

Asking questions and receiving answers, which often lead to more questions, is how I do my Shadow Work. Finding the root of my Stinking Thinking solves half of the puzzle; then I know what I need to do to edit my Story, and how best to go about that. There will be a Part 2 to this, which will arise in the fullness of time. I just need to keep digging, keep writing, and keep percolating.

In the meantime, there is another week to look forward to, with one very special occasion set to unfold on Tuesday. :)

Day 7: on making it through a "heavy" day

I knew from the moment I woke up this morning that it was going to be one of the Heavy days, when Life seems to press down so hard and so completely it took great effort to get even a simple task done. This is the form my Depression takes, when Life lacks even a smidge of excitement, and my interior vision is made up solely of shades of gray. The color of the world doesn't seem to stick.

Each time I tried to do something to emerge from the Heavies, I would make a little progress, then slide back down and in. Tidy up in the home and take out the trash? Nope. Radically cut back on my social media intake? Nope. Get out of the house and go with Himself to the VA? Nope. Finally manage to cross a few things off my to-do list? Nope. Have dinner? Nope. Nothing worked long enough to snap me out of my funk.

I had committed to attend a meeting in the evening, but was not feeling it at all on the way down to San Diego, where the meeting was to take place. I'm glad I went, though, for three reasons: 1) I happened to mention to a dear friend that my Depression was getting the better of me. She was not able to come with us this evening, but she did give Himself a care package to give to me, which contained various flavors of tea - which will come in handy in the Winter months to come. 2) I usually leave the meeting much better than I enter it; tonight was, fortunately, no exception. 3) We had an actual thunderstorm in San Diego proper, and the lightning cut through the tension that had resided within me all day. For each of these reasons, I am grateful.

I have a clearer idea of what felt so Heavy today. I'm going to sit with it and journal on it before I share about it, if y'all don't mind...