Day 9: on doing the shadow work

As I mentioned previously, I started in on journaling around the Heaviness I was experiencing a couple of days ago, in order to unpack what, exactly, was stinking in my thinking. Whereas I would normally wait until the entire process was finished before sharing my results, I was inspired by a video made by a friend about sharing during the messy in-between times, as well as sharing the nice shiny journey when it was all over - and frankly, this whole blog is about sharing during the messy in-between times! So, a bit of sharing the preliminary results of my digging down to find the root, if you will...

The main source of my Stinking Thinking is feeling Overwhelmed by life, whether I'm thinking about what I still have to do around our home in order to get it a bit more "reasonable" (I abandoned the "Grandma Clean" standard a long time ago, trust me!), or whether I find myself carrying the angst of the world upon my shoulders. In the latter case, I seem to have this idea that I (and I alone) need to "transmute the suffering of the world" so that everyone will feel better. I'm not quite sure where I picked up this Goddess complex - heh, I just came up with that - and I'm not quite sure how to drop it Once and For All. Still working on that.

Both of these concepts were part of the Heavies, but neither was ultimately the real root. Beneath these concepts, however, the word Sacrifice suddenly leapt into my mind. I dug a little further, and found the root at last: I have been feeling for some time that I've just been Sacrificing more and more and more of myself - whether financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically, or whatever - and getting nothing in return. It has that "Suffering in Silence" quality to it as well.

I found some resentment towards Himself brewing there, for I don't feel like he's been Sacrificing "as much" as I have. I challenged that resentment immediately: "So how many times have I asked for help on a Social Media platform? or in Real Life, for that matter?" I acknowledged I haven't asked for help near as much as he has, when push has come to shove. "Why not?" I asked next...and I don't have an answer to that question. Yet.

This is where I am now - what is the Block within me that prevents me from asking for help more?

Asking questions and receiving answers, which often lead to more questions, is how I do my Shadow Work. Finding the root of my Stinking Thinking solves half of the puzzle; then I know what I need to do to edit my Story, and how best to go about that. There will be a Part 2 to this, which will arise in the fullness of time. I just need to keep digging, keep writing, and keep percolating.

In the meantime, there is another week to look forward to, with one very special occasion set to unfold on Tuesday. :)