Day 56: on summing up, redux

It was a good morning (with tea and Morning Pages), a crappy afternoon (as it looks like my best efforts to solve the riddle of the Queen Mother's Medi-Cal are going to be for naught), and a good evening (going to the synagogue with Himself and engaging in conversation with other functional adults).

Many of us are not necessarily in the same boat, but we're definitely cruising along in the same river. Many of us also agree that 2018 has been very long and very challenging.

Personally, I am totally DONE with the communication "oopsies" brought along by Mercury Retrograde and cannot wait for it to go direct next week!

I will see if I can elaborate tomorrow. The Queen Mother is just about ready for bed, so this brief update will have to do for this evening.

Day 55: on a rainy day

I did not go out as early as I had anticipated today, so I was able to stay home in the morning and ease into the day, with my Chai tea latte and my Morning Pages, while Himself braved the highways to take care of some business in Point Loma. The Pages are my way to dump my sometimes crazy thoughts onto the page, so I can get them out of my head. They also hold space for me when I'm working out a dilemma, or doing necessary Shadow-Work. With the onset of cooler Winter days, the Chai tea not only warms me up, it also helps me pause when I need to take a breath after some frenzied scribbling, or when my thoughts have scattered to the Four Directions and I need to regather them. Sip and Write, I jotted down this morning, Sip and Write.

When Himself returned, I braved the deluge and joined him to do some much needed grocery shopping. Then it was off to the eye doctor, because Himself needed an eye exam, and a form from the DMV filled out, before he could get his driver's license renewed. This entailed a dilation of the pupils, which meant that Yours Truly had to drive him home. Fortunately, not only was it a cloudy day, but the eye doctor isn't too far from where we live. To celebrate the completion of our errands, I got an eggnog beverage from Starbucks. We arrived home just as the next wave of rain began to fall.

Moment of confession: I am an Eggnog Fiend. It's one of my favorite things in the Universe, right behind dark chocolate and well ahead of anything Pumpkin Spiced. My challenge is to enjoy it In Moderation!

We enjoyed - and needed - an after dinner nap before I went along with Himself this evening, just in case, since his pupils were still oversized. I didn't have to drive after all, and that's just fine. We drove home through off and on rain, which is falling once more as I type. It is very much needed and welcomed after the recent fires up north, and after several years of drought in mainly sunny (and warm) SoCal. Right now, I have a small girl cat in my lap keeping me warm. :)

Tomorrow is shaping up to be a catch-up day, to tie off any loose ends that remain to be done from earlier in the week. I don't think it's supposed to rain again until Saturday, but we shall see.   

Day 54: on the unplanned breather

Today Himself got up early to take the car into the dealership to get the tires looked at. He wound up also going by Discount Tire before coming home; the good news is, the tires are basically fine. I stayed in bed until the Queen Mother emerged from the bathroom and was ready for me to help her with breakfast.

I really had intended to make some more phone calls and continue on with gathering together the necessary paperwork for mom's Medi-Cal evaluation, but I luxuriated in the gentle unfolding of the morning instead. After a nice long shower where I washed my hair (a major victory these days if I can get it washed once a week or so), we were off to one of my caregiver support groups. Himself dropped me off, then he went to a nearby Starbucks with his laptop to work on various things.

My goal is to make a support group a week, because I really get a lot out of them: we might not be in the exact same boats, but the people who gather around these tables are definitely floating down the same river. Today there was a presentation about emotional support for caregivers. It didn't go as in depth as I would have liked, but mainly because many of the members were needing to share their experiences. This is the beauty of these groups - we are all caring for someone, and we need to have these times where we can talk about what we're going through, without judgment. Advice flows freely, whether asked for or not, but most of the time it's well received.

I touched base with Himself just as the meeting ended, and we came directly home. We were greeted by the sight of several of the condo buildings tented for the fumigation. I don't think our building was the only one that opted out of this round, but it definitely looked a bit ominous with several huge tarps covering over so many of the buildings in the complex, maybe a third of all the buildings here.

I am feeling a lot lighter this evening. I hadn't realized I was needing a break from all of the hoop-jumping until I actually took it. Tomorrow, Himself has a pair of appointments which he's going to need my help with, and it looks to be an early start on a rainy day. I had been looking forward to enjoying the rain in the comfort of home, but there you are. Perhaps another day...

Day 53: on moving forward, sometimes slowly

As I mentioned yesterday, this week is fairly clear of appointments, so I've been taking advantage of the slower pace. Yesterday I tackled the kitchen and restored some much needed order. Today I got together the recycling and took it out, along with the trash in the bathrooms. This might not sound like much, until I share that for the last six months of last year (and the first few months of this year), I was in such a deep depression that just feeding myself, or taking a shower, on top of taking care of the Queen Mother, was a supreme achievement. Though my finances don't appear to be improving anytime soon - a significant trigger for my depression - I seem to be able to hold my head above water a lot better than I was this time last year.

The moments of huswifery help to break up the insanity of the phone calls I've been making for the past two days. Trying to get anywhere in an entrenched bureaucracy immediately after a holiday weekend is a hard slog. I have gotten mom's Medi-Cal appeal into the system, so that's good. (They say we should be scheduled for a hearing sometime within the next 30 days.) I haven't yet found any additional health programs I can enroll her in, so that's not so good. There are a few other options I need to investigate, but the goal of lowering her base income is not looking like it will be met at the moment.

I have a caregiver support group to attend tomorrow, which always helps to improve my state of mind. I also intend to do a chore or two - maybe get the trash out, maybe mop the kitchen floor - along with plugging away on the phone calls. I hope to be able to turn in the paperwork for the Queen Mother's Medi-Cal re-evaluation by the end of the week. With any luck, slow-but-steady will win the race.

That's enough out of me for the moment. Now to unplug my mind and Not Think for the rest of the evening.

Day 52: on remembering at the last minute

...oh yeah, I need to blog today!

There are dishes being washed in the dishwasher, and the kitchen looks much less cluttered. Still working on the Queen Mother's Medi-Cal paperwork; more phone calls tomorrow. Had a delicious dinner with leftovers from Himself's birthday dinner last night.

Feeling grateful that I have a week not packed with appointments this week, as we had cleared space for the fumigation, which has now been postponed for our building, and may be postponed altogether because of the rain that has been forecast starting sometime on Wednesday. I have an easier pace to get things done in the immediate future. :)

That sums it up nicely. More tomorrow.

Day 51: on celebrating with my husband

For those of you who don't know, this is Himself. Yes, he cleans up really well. He answers to Jonathan. Today he celebrates his birthday. He's a bit vain, so you will have to guess how old he is, but I can tell you he's ten years older than I am.

We met at a Cuddle Party in June of 2012, thirty three days after I had declared that I was ready to meet "my Beloved" to the Universe. I say he became a part of my life so that I could work through a few hangups that I had, one of which I mentioned in my Veterans Day post...you know, the one about not wanting to hook up with someone who had been in the military.

After we met, we exchanged phone numbers. I called him after a week, and he asked me why I hadn't responded to any of his texts. The only number I had at that point was a landline, not a cell phone. He was gobsmacked that people still had landlines.

Our first date was at a small restaurant called Ruby's, at the end of Oceanside Pier. While there, we exchanged eyeglasses, and noted that our prescriptions were remarkably similar - in other words, we were both blind as bats. We also share the last four digits of our Social Security numbers; no, I'm not going to tell you which four numbers those are. We share a love of the ocean, so of course that's where we had our first date.

He will tell you he knew I was "The One" immediately after the Cuddle Party. I needed a little more time to be convinced. I didn't take too much longer, though, as we had a very small & intimate Commitment Ceremony in August of 2012. Some of my friends raised concerns about how quickly we chose to be together, but I say there comes a time when you just Know when it's going to work, and the older you are, the less time you need to waste with the games of courtship. We have been together nearly 6 1/2 years.

Cancer was not even a consideration when we met, and was not going to be an excuse for me to leave him when it reared its ugly head. I take my commitments and vows seriously, and I meant it when I agreed to for better and for worse, in sickness and in health. We're stuck with one another until the very end, and I wouldn't have it any other way. He will be tumor-free 2 1/2 years at the end of January, and we are taking steps to keep him that way. 

Happy Birthday, Boo. Here's to many more. :)

Day 50: on saying "goodbye"

This was my Uncle Bob. He was 80 when he passed on September 30th. He had apparently been sick for a while, but no one one knew just how bad he was until he fell while picking oranges in his backyard, just before his birthday this past June...and a follow up exam led to a trip to the emergency room and a diagnosis of a pair of bone marrow disorders. His decline was fairly rapid, a smidge over three months. Judging by the turnout at his memorial service today, he will be sorely missed by many.

The day unfolded in classic Mercury Retrograde style: I believed the service was going to take place at the cemetary in Bonita this morning. We got there just before 11 am, when the services were scheduled to start. His name wasn't on the list of official services today, but we were advised that private services weren't always advertised. When my cousin texted me to see where I was, I told her we were at the cemetary but couldn't find them. When she mentioned the church where they were at, about 15-20 minutes away from where we were at - I burst out laughing at the miscommunication. We beat feet up to the church and arrived about 2/3 of the way through the service, but we made it. Fortunately there was a reception afterwards where we were able to properly mingle with family and friends. I wore a nametag to show exactly which branch I occupied on the family tree, as did the rest of my relatives.

My uncle's brief but wild medical journey gave me an opportunity to reconnect with the local portion of my family this year; my cousin actually reached out to me with the initial news about her dad, looking for any advice I could give them. The fact that I was able to share some of my expertise as a Caregiver, and offered to help my family with any research that they might need, actually helped to erase my depression, just a wee bit: my Caregiving was not in vain, and I could share my experience, so I didn't feel quite as isolated as I have in the past.

This Thanksgiving, I reconnected with many members of my uncle's family: his three kids (my first cousins), and most of their kids (my second cousins). I had not spoken with some of them in years, especially since my strange Odyssey began. There were times when I felt like the main character in one of those time travel stories - I don't feel like I've aged that much, but all of the "young 'uns" seem to have grown up when I wasn't looking...once small children have now started college! I find myself in the position the Queen Mother and her brothers must have occupied when we first cousins were playing around and starting our own journeys into the world.

Now I can switch gears, from remembering a life concluded to celebrating a life very much in progress, as tomorrow is Himself's birthday. Tomorrow I will brag on him a little. :) 

Day 49: on filling up my cup

Today Himself and I made a quick trip to the beach to celebrate "Blue Friday." It was a bit busier than I expected it to be. We could pretty well tell who was from the East Coast at the beach; they were the people wearing bikinis and shorts. After the recent cold snap, I'm sure the temperatures of San Diego feel downright balmy to them. ;)

I prepared the Queen Mother's dinner a bit early, so we could drive down to my cousin's house and dine with family. Thanksgiving is the one holiday my uncle Bob's family has traditionally come together for, arriving from hither and yon for a few days of feasting and catching up and playing games and sharing laughter. The festivities are somewhat tempered this year, as this is the first Thanksgiving without my uncle Bob. He passed away at the end of September, and his memorial service is tomorrow. This is how the family wanted it, so as to not have to gather twice in two months. I will go a bit more in depth tomorrow.

For the second time in two days, my belly is full, and as this is a later post, I will stop here. I shall be taking plenty of tissues with me in the morning.

Day 48: on feasting with friends

Himself and I started the holidays with a newer tradition: Thanksgiving Day dinner at the Live & Let Live Alano Club, a meeting place of 12-Step groups that is LGBTQ+ friendly. We took our veggie trays, collected a friend en route, and made it in time to partake in the feasting.

There were fewer familiar faces present this year, but the place was packed, and the food was plentiful. I made myself a "veggie plate": mashed potatoes, stuffing, green bean casserole, a carrot-almond dish, macaroni & cheese, cole slaw (one cabbage-based, the other kale-based, a green salad, a dinner roll, and a dollop of cranberry sauce. Only a dollop or so of each, but I was happily stuffed when all was said and done, especially after a modest slice of apple pie.

We made up a plate for the Queen Mother before we left, and I grabbed a bit of potato salad to pair with the excess stuffing for later. We also gathered up what remained of our veggie trays, which I will happily incorporate into many a salad for days to come. (Some folks have leftover turkey for days; I will have leftovere veggies. Works for me.) The Queen Mother enjoyed her special dinner when we got home. I spent much of the rest of the day napping, coloring my latest mandala, and snacking.

It was a good start to the holiday weekend all in all. Tomorrow, I will be feasting with members of my blood family, some of whom I haven't seen in years. It will be bittersweet this year, as we will also be formally saying goodbye to my uncle, who passed away in September. But we will make the best of it. :)

Day 47: on the day before

Today there was a sense of, "If you need anything, better get it NOW, before everything shuts down for the next few days." After an easy start to the day, that's what we wound up doing.

Our first stop was at Jewish Family Services. They have been extraordinarily helpful on this journey, since Himself was going through his cancer experience. They have a pantry for folks in need, and we have availed ourselves of this pantry from time to time. Today we received a "holiday bag" of food. There was a small Hormel turkey dinner (which the Queen Mother will enjoy), some pumpkin spice protein bars (heh - I have dibs on those), and various cans of food. I laid claim to the corn, and there are some things that we'll be able to share with friends who are also going through a rough patch.

Himself received some birthday money (a generous gift from his stepmother) a little early, so we went to Target to pick up a few things, including a pumpkin pie half the size of the usual pies available. Then we swung by Sprouts to grab a veggie tray for a potluck lunch we're going to attend tomorrow. Though the grocery stores were jumping yesterday and today, it was the calm before the storm at places like Target. No one in our family is planning to participate in the special insanity that is Black Friday this year.

We got some great news when we returned home: the property management company and the pest control company had agreed to postpone the fumigation in our complex until January. We all heaved a sigh of relief; now I have some time to see if we can squirrel away a bit of money for the hotel, or perhaps make an alternative arrangement, and also see if I can get Inkblot leash-trained. He is the more adventurous of the cats, and it would give us all greater peace of mind if I'm able to take him out on "supervised outings" while we have to be away from our home during the fumigation process.

After dinner, I tackled the paperwork that had piled up on the dining room table. Most got recycled, some of the rest went into a "reading pile" for Himself, and I have a short stack of catalogs to peruse. While sorting everything, I also pulled most of the necessary paperwork I needed to send along with the Queen Mother's Medi-Cal renewal. Now that we don't have to worry about the fumigation next week, I can focus on completing this process and dropping off the necessary forms at the county office. Dare I think December might actually be serene??

Although I see the Autumn Equinox as my time of Gratitude and Giving Thanks for the Bounty of Nature, there will be plenty for me, and us, to celebrate over the next few days. For my friends who will also be celebrating, enjoy the Feast.

Day 46: on "getting it done"

It's never a good thing when I wake up and my mind is galloping along so fast that I can't go back to sleep. Instead of allowing it to continue galloping into a panic attack or a depressive episode, though, I took some time to brew some tea and dive into my Morning Pages. One nice raging rant later, I realized that I was taking everything WAY too Personally. I found a belief that I was somehow being "singled out" somehow for some sort of "punishment." The interesting places my Stinking Thinking takes me sometimes!

Anyway, once I finished my tea and my Pages, I went on with the day: breakfast for the Queen Mother, gathering up necessary documents, and a quick shower before we were off to the Credit Union to get a copy of my bank statement (since their systems were down, I couldn't print it off at home), and finally to my appointment with the County of San Diego to see if I could get any other help.

The appointment took about an hour and a half, and when it was done, my mind was goo. Answering tons of questions, presenting various documents, filling out and signing a couple of affidavits - and after all of that, I am probably going to be denied a spot on the dole because 1) I co-own a home (with the Queen Mother) and 2) I have a bank account (again, with the Queen Mother). Somehow, if things continue in the slow-yet-steady pace of Cultural Erosion that I've noticed, I think there's a good chance more people like me will start looking for help, and the criteria might need to be changed. Perhaps.

I was asked a question that momentarily stumped me, though, when I was invited to discuss everything I owned. It struck me as odd because most of the household items we have were purchased by the Queen Mother, or at the very least, in a joint effort. I had to think about things that I, personally, had purchased myself and could claim sole "ownership" of. Aside from clothes or a few pieces of costume jewelry, there isn't that much I could say that I actually owned. (As far as the cats go, they own me. Am I right?) When I look at our home as the Queen Mother's Power of Attorney, though, then I come into "ownership" of the items in the household, and that's the card I chose to play.

When I was done at the County offices, I really wanted a stiff drink, but as alcohol does NOT agree with me, I settled for an Arnold Palmer (black tea + lemonade) from Starbucks before Himself and I finished off the day. We paid the car registration and swung by the grocery (which was busy today and will only get busier tomorrow) to grab some essentials before going home. I put my brain in the fridge (metaphorically), had some comfort food for dinner (actually), and promised myself not to Think Deeply until tomorrow.

I have returned to a mandala I started to color in last year, then abandoned part-way through. I am planning to post more of my mandalas on Instagram, if anyone is interested. So once I finish here, I'm going back to coloring and taking it easy. Tomorrow is another day and there is still much to be done.

Day 45: on keeping an even keel

Looks like I'm going to get this one in just under the wire...

Definitely a mixed bag today. After a week of uncertainty, Himself was able to turn over his personal injury case to an attorney he knows. In return, we were able to get an advance on the anticipated settlement. Much of that money will go toward our hotel that we're staying at during the mass fumigation that's going to take place at our condo complex next week, provided the weather is nice. The rest has either gone to, or is going to go to, pay the most necessary bills. Unfortunately, I'm not sure if that's going to get us to the end of the month, as there is also grocery shopping that needs to be done as well! It does not end, at least, not right now.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the County of San Diego to see if I can possibly get any more financial assistance. The forms they were supposed to send me "in three to five business days" arrived today, the day before my appointment -  and it turned out to be one piece of paper that refers to other forms in a packet yet to arrive in my mailbox. So, if you've ever wondered what Mercury Retrograde is all about, this is a prime example! I actually got a good laugh out of it. Fortunately, I have most of the required paperwork on hand, and the rest is easily downloadable.

We got the news we had been waiting for, yet it is but a drop in the bucket. Right now, I would ask everyone to pray for rain next week. Southern CA needs it anyway, and we could really use a postponement of that fumigation! That's all I'll say for today so I can publish this post. More (I intend) tomorrow. :)

Day 44: on the gift of resting

Today I chose to stay home and REST. It had been a trying week, one more I somehow survived. I also knew that the next couple of weeks were also going to present their own challenges, so since today was/is the first significant day of my Moonflow, it would be best to consolidate my energies as much as I could...and with the exception of a quick run to Trader Joe's for some necessities, I did.

I sipped tea and wrote in my Morning Pages. I caught up in reading the blogs of the other members of the Squad. I looked through the brochures and flyers I picked up from the most recent seminar I attended. I finished coloring a mandala I had started last month. I had dinner and napped for a time. I feel nicely relaxed.

Besides recalling how well I deal with Ambiguity - which is to say, not that well at all - I'm also coming to recall the Wisdom in a phrase I once heard somewhere, though I don't recall exactly where: Hard times will either make a person Better, or it will make them Bitter. I'm noting that it's frighteningly easy to allow myself to become Bitter... many days I feel like I'm taking two steps forward, then three steps back. I wonder if anyone is seeing my GoFundMe request on Facebook, or if I'm just being ignored. I question if we're ever going to get out of this seemingly unending cycle of Lack and Poverty. I wonder how long the Queen Mother is going to last before she finally dies - and what shape I will be in when she finally does.

*A note about the GoFundMe: yes, people have seen it, and shared it, and donated to it, and I am grateful for the response I've gotten so far. Having said that, when I see other campaigns meet their goals in one or two days - and I haven't reached a tenth of my asking goal after almost two weeks - I'm tempted to throw my hands in the air and wonder what's the use, and wonder if all of my friends are secretly Judging me for caving in and begging online for money. There's a part of me that's just about ready to quit Facebook for good, or at the very least, significantly pare down my Friends List. Okay, rant over.*

It's super tempting to close up my heart, withdraw from interacting with the "outside world," and just forge forward along, to Hell with everyone else. I know, however, that the more challenging option, keeping my heart open and continuing to show up for what Life has to offer, is ultimately going to be what sustains me after the Queen Mother passes, and for many years beyond, Goddess willing. Basically, though it might be easier to allow myself to become Bitter, I need to put in the effort to become Better through all of these challenges. I believe I'm up to (the latter) task.

Fortunately, I can ease into the craziness of the week/s ahead tomorrow, so I'll make an effort to pace myself. I'm getting pretty good at doing just that. :)

Dsy 43: on helping out

So we have a friend who had a pretty bad fall a few months ago and had to be hospitalized because he broke his shoulder. He had two surgeries and two separate stints in nursing homes while he rehabilitated. This meant that he spent an extensive amount of time away from his home, and away from his cat.

Initally, Himself and I went over to our friend's place as we could, scooping out the litter box, making sure there was enough food and water, and putting down some wet food. When it became obvious that our friend wasn't going to be able to return home anytime soon, after the second surgery, he found a friend who would be able to foster his cat until he was ready to take her back. He's not there quite yet.

Today I drove our friend up to see his cat for the first time in quite awhile. She started purring the moment he picked her up, and pretty well purred the whole time I was there. The visit did them both a world of good.

Next month, our friend will be having a pair of cataract surgeries to restore his vision. With a new battery in his car, he expects to be healthy enough to be able to drive at the start of the new year, which is very good news indeed.

I did not feel like driving this morning when I woke up, but I managed to get myself into a decent mood by the time Himself and I had to leave the house, and I'm glad that I did. Tomorrow I will have plenty of time and opportunity to rest, as I return to my Moon Hut. :)

Day 42: on breaking the circuit

Somewhere between coming home from a quick grocery run and accompanying Himself down to the VA for his latest Physical Therapy appointment, the circuit of Depression was broken, and I began to feel better. The explanation I could provide is a bit long and rather esoteric, so I will save it for those who are most interested. Suffice to say that there was enough of a Cosmic Shift that allowed me to breathe deeply again, and that lifted a heavy weight off of my shoulders. :)

One thing I realized/remembered with all of this: I don't handle Ambiguity very well. I like to know What is going to happen, When and Where it shall happen, and if applicable, How it's going to happen. I don't like vague "someday" answers, especially when I have a need for promises to be fulfilled Sooner rather than Later. Combine Ambiguity with some of the stress I have been feeling recently, and I am one very unhappy camper.

For the record, Himself isn't a big fan of Ambiguity either. He did his best to comfort me at the start of the week; now the pendulum swings in my direction, and I have been comforting him. Even if we can't see all of the details at this moment, we reassure each other - we'll get through this rough patch too.

I am grateful that this round of Depression has dissolved; I would be naive to believe it will never return. It always does, but perhaps next time, I will be a bit better prepared to handle it and work my way through it. Perhaps. Another thing I have noticed: Depression has been really good at wiping my memory clean of tools and techniques to combat it, leading me to forget everything Spiritual and Positive until my mind can successfully reboot itself. Though I've been able to reboot more quickly now than I could even a year ago,  I still find myself having to Ride Out the Storm once Depression anchors in.

Now tha I am clear of this latest episode, I can return to Practicing Good Form, as my karate teacher used to say, and return to being Productive. There are tasks yet ahead that need my attention, and puzzles to solve...

Day 41: on depression

Depression came by today, with a new set of Heavies in tow.

I tried, but failed, to stem the tide of Stinking Thinking. Very little seemed to go right.
Today.

Perhaps tomorrow will be better. Here's hoping so.

Pardon me if I don't write more in depth. I'm not feeling it at all, so these few words will have to suffice. :(

Day 40: on being "appreciated" (day 2)

So today it was the County of San Diego's turn to appreciate their Providers. We arrived at the venue a bit later than I had planned, but in time to hear the first presentation of the day, about Mental Health Issues for both the Care Provider and the Care Receiver. I was reminded of the guidance we receive while traveling on an airplane: we have to put our OWN oxygen masks first, THEN assist our loved ones as necessary. I am considering signing up for the free training seminar to add some my tools to my toolbox.

After the first speaker came lunch: a simple meal of penne pasta and green salad, with breadsticks on the side. I wound up eating Himself's salad, since he can't metabolize raw vegetables properly as a "semicolon." I snagged a few dark chocolate Hershey's Kisses for dessert.

The second speaker came on after lunch, discussing some Resources for Providers. I didn't take as many notes as I had with the first speaker, but she provided some good information as well. We left before the third and final speaker discussed "Caregiving Through the Holidays." Since we really don't celebrate the holidays anymore, it's something of a moot issue.

The flow to this event was much better than yesterday's event...there was a schedule, which they followed closely. They announced when lunch was being served, and it didn't hurt that Himself just happened to be first in the line. They had a survey for the Providers to fill out, to get our feedback; yes, I took the time to fill it out. There was a variety of vendors there, including my friends from SCRC, and I wound up bringing home a ton of brochures and flyers, along with three moree pens. (With the amount of journaling I do these days, I will take all of the free pens I can get!) Today's swag haul,  besides one of the aforementioned pens, was a nice grocery tote, an insulated lunch bag, and another coffee mug, which I can easily use for tea instead. ;)

Mind you, I don't go to these events just to get the free swag, or to grab a gazillion pens; I go to soak up the Information that's presented, whether through speakers or brochures. I go because, just maybe, someone knows about a resource that I don't, or someone is offering a program that would be totally helpful to me, or someone's experience might resonate with me, and give me the reassurance I need in that moment. Having said all that...I shall be happy to sleep in a little longer tomorrow. With any luck, I'll find that desire to be productive that I somehow misplaced on Monday. ;)

Day 39: on being "appreciated" (day 1)

Today was the first of two "Provider Appreciation Days" I'm planning on attending. This one was put on by the union tht supports caregivers that have signed up to be Providers through In Home Supportive Services; as the Queen Mother's Provider, I was invited to come with a guest, if I so desired. (That's where Himself comes in.)

The event felt a bit haphazard at times, as there was no clear agenda set out for the event. They provided free swag, and I scored some - a scrub shirt, a sun screen for the car, and a reusable coffee mug - along with a "Certificate of Appreciation." The program consisted of some celebration of the election of union-friendly officials following the midterm elections, and an offer to sign up to go through their Leadership Academy. I filled out their application to see if I would qualify; the thought of advocating for other caregivers besides myself appeals to me.

Then there was the promised free lunch: salad and rolls for an appetizer, and some tasty cheese & spinach ravioli for vegetarians like myself. (Himself had the main chicken dish and didn't like his pasta. I ate his broccoli.) Dessert was cookies that had been left as a centerpiece at each table. During lunch, they had a belly dancer perform for us; she was very good, and striking with her body control, especially how delicately and precisely she could dance while balancing a sword upon her head! Finally there was a never-ending raffle (they had to keep drawing numbers because half of the providers had already left!) with various gift cards as the prizes. Unfortunately, we didn't win any of them. :(

Himself and I stopped at Starbucks before we headed home. I prepared the Queen Mother's dinner, and had my own later. Tonight feels like a night to get cozy, as the nighttime temperatures continue to fall. It's beginning to feel a lot like Winter, SoCal style. I'm just waiting for the Santa Ana to fall apart and for humidity to return to more normal levels...everything is so blessedly DRY right now, which is NOT helping the fire situation to the north of us. The weather forecasts are hinting at actual Rain next week (!!), so keep those prayers coming!

Tomorrow it's the County of San Diego's turn to appreciate "us Providers," so it will be interesting to compare notes. and lunches. ;) 

Day 38: on a rather uneventful day

Well, I had planned to be somewhat productive today, but that didn't work out quite as envisioned. I got the laundry done, and helped the Queen Mother with her shower, but that was about it. I never really managed to get out of first gear.

Part of it was getting off on the wrong foot in the morning, and not quite managing to reset; part of it was not knowing when the gas & electric technician was due to stop by today. He finally did, around 5:15. He checked the central gas furnace in our small crawl space; other than needing to replace the air filter - easily done with a trip to Lowe's - we were okay. Tonight we have blessed heat and feel much more comfortable. We might actually experience a Winter season this year.

Himself and I celebrated "Veterans Day Part 2" with a trip to Black Angus. Though it was a bit pricier than we had initially expected, we managed to cover the outing. Yes, I'm a vegetarian, and I didn't eat any meat...they had a veggie Cobb Salad (with asparagus and tiny mushrooms) which was so big, I will able to enjoy it tomorrow as well! We did pretty well celebrating this year. :)

I'm looking forward to tomorrow, as that will be the first of the two "Provider Appreciation" days I'll be attending this week. They won't be true respites, as I'll have one of my trusty notebooks with me to take notes, but they will be welcome changes of pace, and they will have free lunches. ;)

Although the wildfires are well to the north of where we live, the smoky haze is coming down our way, and my nose is taking the brunt of it. I've been sniffly-snorty for a day or so, and expect it to continue for a while yet. Along with your prayers, if you could pray for Rain, we in California would most appreciate it.

That's it for now. Until tomorrow...

Day 37: on veteran's day

Today has been a good day, flowing smoothly and with Ease. We made it back to our Sunday support group, and we updated everyone with what has been going on in our lives. It's lovely to be among other people who are not necessarily in the same boat, but who are traveling in the same river. Originally we were invited to attend because of Himself's colon cancer, but when I was advised that any chronic condition was welcome, I knew I had found a place where I could share about my Depression...and for a time, I wasn't the only person working with/through Depression, nor have I been the only Caregiver, so I am happy to have a place where Himself and I can share equally, and be regarded equally as well. :)

For the past week, I've been keeping an eye on the special Veteran's Day dinners, sharing the deals with Himself. We finally agreed on meeting one of his fellow vets tonight at the Macaroni Grill. As the veteran's spouse, I didn't get a special meal, but I did find a reasonably priced entree - some Eggplant Parmesan. All of the food was very tasty. :q

If you had asked me about my "ideal partner" at the start of this decade, getting into a relationship with someone either currently or formerly in the military would not have been on the list. I am not a warmonger, nor am I a big fan of the military. Having said that, my father was a nurse in the Navy, so perhaps I was "predisposed," in a sense, to find myself falling for a former sailor. Stepping into Himself's world has been eye-opening, and I have developed a feeling of compassion for veterans in general, and for his friends and associates in particular.

It is shameful to see how veterans are treated in certain circles; though I might not agree with the wars and conflicts they have fought in, I do believe they should be given the opportunity to heal from their physical and mental wounds, and be welcomed back into society - and if the government says they shall receive "special" support, they should receive that support, instead of being hung out to dry or left to fend for themselves with no support. Unfortunately, red tape is red tape, no matter whether or not you're military.

Tomorrow we will both resume pursuing the next chapter in our own bureaucratic adventures, yet if all goes well, perhaps we will cap off the day with another special Veteran's dinner, as there will be a few places still offering specials. Hopefully I will be able to carry the Ease of today over into tomorrow, as there will be something of a "holiday" feel, and I'm sure some places will be closed. 

Day 36: on course corrections

I wound up not doing a "daycation" as I had planned after all. The Queen Mother had a fit last night when I informed her of our plans, and I wound up calling the woman who was going to come out to keep her company to cancel, once again.

This morning I had a good conversation with mom over breakfast; we wound up clearing a lot of air between us. Coming out of that conversation, I am going to see if I can try to get Himself to help me a bit more in cleaning up the house (because the Queen Mother is willing to entertain the idea of "having company" IF the house is tidier). I am also going to see if I can invite our friend over to lunch to introduce her to mom, so whe will be more comfortable with the idea of someone coming over to spell me for Respite care. The one thing she does NOT want is a "stranger" in the house. I don't blame her for being cautious. Yes, you can certify people to be caregivers, and/or ask friends who you know really well - but you don't really know what's going on in another person's mind...or if today's "bad" day is just one bad day too many.

I realized today that I had been listening to, and misinterpreting, the advice of caregivers who were totally stressed out, desperate for respite, and/or dealing with loved ones who were much more violent and unpredictable than the Queen Mother is. So many people have advised to all but run out the door the moment the respite caregiver arrives, lest their loved one throw a tantrum, or do something that will sabotage the caregiver's plans to step away and have a breather.  This isn't the first time I have found myself heeding Other People's Opinions more than my own intuition. I never really liked the idea of springing a second caregiver on my mother and then bailing; then again, even though the Queen Mother's mental state isn't nearly as bad as I've heard some Dementia suferers are, there have been times when I've been ready to break out and lose myself In the Wind, so to speak.

I have come to realize that a lot of my suffering was "self-inflicted": that I could be the Caregiver, or I could be the Priestess, BUT I could not be both at the same time. For a long time, I didn't want to be the Caregiver, that it was presumed I would be the Caaregiver (as the Only Child), yet "no one" bothered to ask ME if I had any diiferent plans. In committing to going small, I say that I CAN be the Priestess and the Caregiver at the same time, but that my "ministry" has to be much smaller in numbers than I initially planned for...namely, Myself, Himself, the Queen Mother, and the cats. As much Content as I want to generate as a Priestess, both online and in Real Life, I don't have the bandwidth available at this time to devote to my Dreams and my Reality simultaneously. As I (re)cultivate healthy emotional, spiritual, and physical habits, and further emerge from my Situational Depression, perhaps down the line I will be able to share some of that bandwidth more evenly. Right now, it's a matter of living Day by Day, Moment by Moment, and Simplifying as much as I can - basically, everything!

So I recalibrate myself to observe my reality As It Is, and not As I Want It to Be. I see there is work to be done to get from Here to There, so I will do it One Day at a Time, and not have to (necessarily) wait for the Queen Mother to pass on in the meantime. I daresay I might actually be feeling Acceptance with my odyssey, rather than being Resigned to it. :)

Day 35: on taking stock

First off, I want to say we are way south of the two fires that are burning near Hollywood. We are in San Diego county, and are unaffected this far. Pray for Rain to come and quench the flames. Thanks.

Today I looked over all the notes I took yesterday, and looked over all the forms we've received, and I came up with an Action Plan: documents to gather together, questions to ask, topics to research. As we have an appointment to have someone from our gas and electric company come out on Monday to check our furnace (in our little crawl space that wants to call itself an attic), I will be home on that day crossing items off of my list. We're having someone come to check the furnace because the first time we turned it on, I could smell something burning - usually not a good sign - and I shut the furnace off again. Fortunately, the smell went away, and a quick check didn't show anything amiss, but I'm not taking ANY chances.

This Sunday is also Veteran's Day, and as Himself is a veteran, he is planning to go out with some of his buddies Sunday and Monday to see what free meals they can get. I would like to go with them, but as I'm not a veteran, I would have to pay for my own meal, something I will need to see if I'll be able to do. Still, it's been fun looking at the list with all of the deals on it.

Next week also gives me an opportunity to practice Receiving, as there are two events geared towards Caregivers that I plan on attending because 1) they will have presentations I'm interested in, and 2) they will have free lunches. So there will be something for both of us next week :)

Tomorrow is my "daycation." Hopefully I can get out of my way to enjoy that too. I will be taking my mandala coloring book and some reading material, and probably this tablet as well. :)

Day 34: on making progress

I made several phone calls today (in the interest of saving gas and stress) and have a much clearer picture of what is going on. For the record, everyone I have talked to has been very nice and courteous, both in person and on the phone. :)

At any rate...the Share of Cost is NOT something we owe the state of California. (whew!) It's actually a deductible that needs to be met before the state will cover the Queen Mother's expenses. The confusion started when we asked Social Security to cover her dental plan premium payment; yes, they will actually do that, depending on the health plan and (I presume) the state you live in. Once that happened, mom got bumped back over the Poverty Line. Technically, she should have had a Share of Cost attached to her Medi-Cal starting in April, but no one realized what was up (including us) until October.

With the help of a lovely social worker from our local Legal Aid, we managed to get the Share of Cost set aside again, until the Queen Mother's annual re-evaluation in December. This time I'm waiting until I have the Notice of Action letter in my hot little hands before I return to IHSS and get the reimbursement process going. In the meatime, I have a decision to appeal, paperwork to fill out, and a bit of sleuthing to do. I have a lot of notes that I jotted down today to assist me, along with a helpful ally in the form of the above-mentioned social worker.

My brain was a bit fried after all of those phone calls, but I have rested for a few hours since then, and I feel better. I definitely feel better than I did at the beginning the week! :)

I'm also pretty certain that I will be able to swing a "daycation" on Saturday. It's more of a business trip for Himself, but it will be an opportunity to color in my mandala book for me. Our friend who was going to stay with the Queen Mother while we were away on vacation last month - until those plans were torpedoed - will come and stay with mom on Saturday. This will be a better introduction anyway, with mom being watched for just one day instead of four or five.

By degrees, I begin to feel hopeful again, that perhaps there are solutions within easy reach. :D

Day 33: on seizing opportunities

Today has certainly been a mixed bag...

Himself left early to hit up the DMV for the renewal of his driver's license. Although he was advised to make an appointment, the only appointment available was at an office some 2-3 hours away from our home! Not having the gas to make a 4-6 hour round trip, he went to a much closer office to see if he could get a place in their  queue. It turns out he has to take a driver's test first, and the earliest slot available is in mid-December, after his birthday! He has a temporary license to bridge the gap, but still! He also has to get a doctor's note regarding his vision, because his left eye is wonky. Best of all: although he has a passport card, he has to provide his Social Security card if he wants to "upgrade" his driver's license to one of these Real ID cards. A Federal passport card isn't good enough?! I'm at a loss for words here.

Then there are my governmental misadventures: through talking with IHSS, I found out that either the Medi-Cal official's waiving of this Share of Cost nonsense was ignored, or it was waived, then immediately reinstated. The Share of Cost looms large, and until it gets rescinded for good, IHSS can't give me any of my money back. I don't blame them, as their hands are tied in this situation. As for Medi-Cal, this iceberg is shaping up to be a honking big Glacier, and it looks more and more like I'm going to need some significant help to get this huge mess straightened out. More phone calls tomorrow - oh joy! :p

The opportunities I seized upon provided some glimpses of Sanity through this nonsense. As Himself managed to walk out of the DMV before noon, I was able to finagle a trip out to Questhaven and walk the labyrinth! It was nice to immerse myself in Nature and walk upon "holy ground." I could feel myself unclench, which turned out to be a very good thing, as I visited the County Offices after we returned home. I might have caused a bit of a scene otherwise!

This Wednesday evening also happened to be the evening The Unity Center had their quarterly Mindful Meditation service. I went to that while Himself took in a (separate) meeting. I had a very good experience tonight, feeling like I could (and for a brief time, DID) transcend the Insanity and re-anchor myself in my Spirituality. Himself picked me up when all was said and done, and we came home. Despite the Governmental hijinks, I feel lighter and less stressed now, and also very tired. I almost posted another of my brief "filler" entries, but as you can see, I managed to write and publish a full post. :)

Tonight I actually asked for some prayers on my/our behalf. I am definitely going to need some good prayers for tomorrow, as I turn my full attention to straightening out this whole Medi-Cal situation... 

Day 32: on responding to having my hand forced

Well my friends, the Share of Cost bugaboo bit me again! It ate another paycheck of mine! I should have known it was going to be bad tidings when I couldn't get the notification email from IHSS to come up properly on my phone. The Medi-Cal people are sending me forms to fill out anyway, so it looks like I will be asking for reimbursement for all of October. (Le Sigh...)

My hand was forced because this one hurts more than the grabbing of my "vacation" pay - this paycheck was going to help me with paying a key bill or two, and now I'm totally scrambling. One more phone call, at least, to add to the other phone calls I need to make tomorrow to see if 1) I can figure out what's going on and 2) do some damage control. (Again, Le Sigh...)

So I finally bit the bullet and started my GoFundMe page. I am deeply grateful that I'm already getting support, and I will be officially thanking people starting tomorrow, once I get my head a little straighter. I'm also 2/3 of the way in filling out the "Cash Aid" application (apparently it's no longer called Cal-Works), and I should be ready to drop that off tomorrow, after Himself renews his driver's license at the DMV. I'll share more on that tomorrow, as it's yet another tale of Government Inaction, instead of Government In Action :p

Even though I had a craptastic day, I still managed to get to my polling place and vote today. Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer to go and vote In Person; besides, all I have to do is walk out my front door, walk to the end of my block, cross the street, and there I am. Today there were way more cars in the parking lot than there had been in years past. Granted, I voted later in the day than usual, but it was still a heartening sight to see. I'm sure I'll get all the election results once Himself returns home this evening.

How things unfold tomorrow will depend on how long Himself has to stay at the DMV. I'm praying it's not the whole damn day. (One more time, Le Sigh...!)

Day 31: on hitting the highlights of the day

So I will summarize...

After hunting down a bit more paperwork needed for Himself's personal injury case, we managed to get our glass, plastic bottles, and empty cat food cans over to our local recycling company. Our total haul came out to a bit under $19.00, which doesn't seem like much, but might wind up being the difference in getting the bills paid and overdrawing in the bank. I'm hoping to visit the credit union early tomorrow before the next round of (Himself's) appointments, and voting.

I'm starting to put a bit more effort into cooking dinners for myself again. (It's pretty well a to each their own household at mealtime - I'm the vegetarian, Himself is the "semicolon," and the Queen Mother eats whatever she damn well pleases, unless it might cause constipation.) Today I cooked up a package of gnocchi and topped it with some marinara sauce. Tomorrow I plan to take a Spanish rice packet and add some seasoned Pinto beans to them. This might carry me through the rest of the week. I usually manage to have a fresh salad with my meals; right now it's mixed greens with some mushrooms added to them. By degrees, I begin to take better care of myself. There are more adjustments I can make, but they will come with time...and money.

I colored some more in my mandala and humored mother by watching some TV with her. I know I'm playing a little hide and seek with the paperwork I need to fill out; let's see if I can manage to fill it out tomorrow. Perhaps...

Day 30: on appreciating the "little things"

With the switch back to (Pacific) Standard Time, we received the gift of a "25 hour" day. Though I appreciated the extra hour of sleep, the day got off to a bit of a rocky start, with the Queen Mother freaking out over the fact that we were temporarily out of cat food. The irony is, she didn't want to be adopted by the cats (yes, that's how it happened), but now she seems more invested in them than I am at times. I had to remind myself: it's not my mother, it's her dementia. At any rate, I showered, dressed, then went to get the cat food. When I returned home, I delberately slowed down and brewed myself a cup of tea to Reset my morning. There is nothing like a good cup of one's favorite morning beverage (looking at all of my coffee-loving peeps), enjoyed Slowly and Mindfully, to get one's day (re)started right.

In my case, it "sorta" worked...there was a bit of miscommunication between Himself and me in the early afternoon, which fouled up my mood until I returned to my mandala and colored some more of it in. When he had finished his errands, then we went grocery shopping, and came back to have dinner before moving into the evening.

There was a meeting that I wanted to attend tonight, which I did, pushing through my resistance. It wound up having a very good vibe, and I'm grateful for finding a new outlet of support. On the way home, we noticed that the fog was rolling in significantly on the coast, the first real fog of the cooler weather. The fog didn't lift until we were about halfway home.

I am taking a moment now to pat myself on the back for blogging consistently for an entire month - Yay Me! I know that I have reconnected with my Morning Pages through blogging; I'm writing in the Pages with more consistency than I have in the recent past. I also know that writing here and in the Pages led me to the idea of Going Small, and that is beginning to produce some dividends in my life. :)

One thing I didn't manage to do was start on the paperwork for Medi-Cal or Cal-Works. I gave it the old college try, but my mind went into vapor-lock within about five minutes, and I chose not to try to push through. Monday is a fresh start, and is mostly empty, so I will try again then. As is said in Recovery, Easy Does It.

Day 29: on chasing the money

So let me back up a step...we didn't make it to the seminar yesterday. There is something ironic in not being able to make an event called "The Economics of Caregiving" because of economic hardship; specifically, not having enough gas to make it to San Diego and back twice in one day. The immediate problem has been solved, thanks to some well-timed generosity, but the overall problem remains: too many bills + needs, and not enough money to pay for everything.

It's interestihg that I can talk at length about my mental health, but that I have felt blocked from sharing that much about my financial health. This is what I have been processing over the past two days. I have found where I have been Shamed into Silence around money, and I have been working around deconstructing that Shame, and letting it go.

Our primary issue is this: we know there is a decent amount of money coming; we just don't know WHEN it's coming, and those horizons seem to get reset further and further out, just when we think relief is around the corner. Suffice it to say that the main issue - and main windfall - hinges upon the Veteran's Administration acknowledging that Himself has carpal-tunnel in both of his arms and hands. Currently, they acknowledge it in his right hand, but not in his left...and he is left-handed! The sad/frustrating part is, he's been fighting this for 25 years, and has yet to get it corrected. Now add to this some bureaucratic shenanigans the state of California is pulling in regards to the Queen Mother, as to whether or not she falls below the Federal Poverty Line, and you can see why I'm about ready to pull my hair out.

As nuch as I would like to go back to work, I can't right now, not with mom steadily declining. Bankruptcy is our absolute last option, because if we go that route, it's all but certain we won't see dime one of any money. So we flounder, and scramble, and pray a lot.

Mom's Medi-Cal is up for renewal in December, so we have that paperwork to review. I have started the process - and unfortunately, it is a process - to get reimbursed for the paycheck that was deducted from me due to the despised Share of Cost, while hoping that I won't have any more paychecks deducted. I'm also getting a GoFundMe set up, and I'm going to see if I can get on the state's dole for (hopefully) a few months. They call it Cal-Works, but let's call it what is really is: welfare. Himself, in the meantime, is readying his demand letter in his Personal Injury case to send off. If we're lucky, we might see that resolved by the end of the year. I'm no longer holding my breath.

I'm totally tired of it all - the scrambling, the setbacks, the disappointments, the insecurity, the jumping through hoops, the never-ending waiting. Still, we've come this far, and there is still a light at the end of the tunnel...and I have just enough room to step aside in case it's yet another freight train. Today, I have "enough." Today, I managed to stay home and rest, and ground myself in a few chores, and give myself a day off from worrying so much about money.  Tomorrow I can get back, just a little, into the grind.

Day 28: on being brief

Today was an intense day. Everyone is fine, healthwise, so no worries there. I have some internal processing I need to finish before I post at length.

I am going to be at home all day tomorrow, mainly doing laundry and looking over some paperwork. I will share all the details then.

Day 27: on filling time

Today started out as an "empty" day, but filled up quickly.

Himself took the car to the Mazda dealership to get the final (cosmetic) repair done; while he was gone, I helped the Queen Mother with breakfast, then showered and washed my hair. These days, I manage to wash my hair once a week, twice a week if I'm lucky. I was eating my breakfast when Himself came home; he showered while I finished up. Then we were off to take care of some errands...

First was a trip to the VA Outpatient clinic in Mission Valley for some x-rays. Himself's right hip has been acting up significatly over the past few days, and his doctor wanted to get a better look. Then we went to the County Registrar of Voters so that he could get a replacement of the absentee ballot that he put in a place so secure, he forgot where he put it. Next was a trip to the Mankind Dispensary to get some more CBD oil, which he takes every night to keep the polyps away. (It turns out his colon cancer was caused in part from a genetic condition  that filled his gastro-intestinal system with hundreds, if not thousands, of polyps. The CBD oil has been shown to reduce, if not eliminate, these polyps - and so far, it's working!)

After grabbing a pair of burritos and weaving our way through traffic, we made a couple of quick stops before we got home, to pay the car and phone bills. I finally settled down to eat right around 5pm, so I knew that I wouldn't be making it to the caregiver support group tonight. No biggie, in part because we're going to be attending a seminar tomorrow by SCRC, about "the Economics of Caregiving." Hopefully we can get some inspiration from this!

Besides, Himself needed to finish up the demand letter for his Personal Injury case. When he was done, I sat down and cleaned up the grammar. He's going to have one other friend look it over tomorrow before he sends it off.

Tomorrow is going to be an early day, so I think I will stop here and say I am complete. :)