I wound up not doing a "daycation" as I had planned after all. The Queen Mother had a fit last night when I informed her of our plans, and I wound up calling the woman who was going to come out to keep her company to cancel, once again.
This morning I had a good conversation with mom over breakfast; we wound up clearing a lot of air between us. Coming out of that conversation, I am going to see if I can try to get Himself to help me a bit more in cleaning up the house (because the Queen Mother is willing to entertain the idea of "having company" IF the house is tidier). I am also going to see if I can invite our friend over to lunch to introduce her to mom, so whe will be more comfortable with the idea of someone coming over to spell me for Respite care. The one thing she does NOT want is a "stranger" in the house. I don't blame her for being cautious. Yes, you can certify people to be caregivers, and/or ask friends who you know really well - but you don't really know what's going on in another person's mind...or if today's "bad" day is just one bad day too many.
I realized today that I had been listening to, and misinterpreting, the advice of caregivers who were totally stressed out, desperate for respite, and/or dealing with loved ones who were much more violent and unpredictable than the Queen Mother is. So many people have advised to all but run out the door the moment the respite caregiver arrives, lest their loved one throw a tantrum, or do something that will sabotage the caregiver's plans to step away and have a breather. This isn't the first time I have found myself heeding Other People's Opinions more than my own intuition. I never really liked the idea of springing a second caregiver on my mother and then bailing; then again, even though the Queen Mother's mental state isn't nearly as bad as I've heard some Dementia suferers are, there have been times when I've been ready to break out and lose myself In the Wind, so to speak.
I have come to realize that a lot of my suffering was "self-inflicted": that I could be the Caregiver, or I could be the Priestess, BUT I could not be both at the same time. For a long time, I didn't want to be the Caregiver, that it was presumed I would be the Caaregiver (as the Only Child), yet "no one" bothered to ask ME if I had any diiferent plans. In committing to going small, I say that I CAN be the Priestess and the Caregiver at the same time, but that my "ministry" has to be much smaller in numbers than I initially planned for...namely, Myself, Himself, the Queen Mother, and the cats. As much Content as I want to generate as a Priestess, both online and in Real Life, I don't have the bandwidth available at this time to devote to my Dreams and my Reality simultaneously. As I (re)cultivate healthy emotional, spiritual, and physical habits, and further emerge from my Situational Depression, perhaps down the line I will be able to share some of that bandwidth more evenly. Right now, it's a matter of living Day by Day, Moment by Moment, and Simplifying as much as I can - basically, everything!
So I recalibrate myself to observe my reality As It Is, and not As I Want It to Be. I see there is work to be done to get from Here to There, so I will do it One Day at a Time, and not have to (necessarily) wait for the Queen Mother to pass on in the meantime. I daresay I might actually be feeling Acceptance with my odyssey, rather than being Resigned to it. :)
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