Day 338: on another wild finish

Today started out well enough, as Himself and I managed to make it to our Sunday Support group, and had some good sharing. For once, we didn't have to stop for groceries on our way home. I had a "comfort" dinner of mac-n-cheese with my usual salad this evening, as the last few days had been a bit hairy, with Himself's leg issues. His leg IS hurting a bit less than it was yesterday, which was a bit less than the day before, so it looks like the statin was indeed the culprit.

Then I discovered the Queen Mother's toilet had overflowed without my knowledge, because much of her bathroom floor was wet. (I grabbed some already dirty towels to soak the water up.) Then Himself came home and the car alarm kept going off - because he had forgotten to turn off the driver side interior light before he had gotten out of the car. (Sometimes the car is smarter than we are!) Then I had to make sure Inkblot hadn't escaped out the back door while we were trying to figure out what was up with the car (he had not). Then Himself needed a bit of a leg massage. Then the Queen Mother wanted her nighty ice cream.

Lots of little things added up to a bundle of frayed nerves and I needed to do one of my Three Minute Breathing exercises and be in the Calm and Quiet before I felt like I could post this entry and move on. Inkblot did his part to help his mom calm down by asking for some head scritches, which I happily gave him. He even walked over to sit upon Himself for some head scritches, but Daddy doesn't do as well as Mommy does. ;) 

Once again, I acknowledge that MUCH healing and realignment need to be done if I am to "function" again.

The week to come might or might not be busy, depending on how Himself's leg is doing. We shall see...

Day 335: on ending with a thud

Today was mostly good, until the last half an hour or so. I had an excellent lunch with a good friend, and she reminded me of the importance of Doing for Myself. I got in some needed grocery shopping; yesterday was breakfast-oriented, today happened to be dinner-oriented. I listened in on an excellent webinar and will be working with this facilitator in the future, just not at this time. I enjoyed my dinner and dessert as well.

In the last half hour, we discovered ants swarming on the kitchen table, so now everything in the front of the house smells like vinegar. There are worse smells in the Universe, though. I dropped a lightbulb in the Queen Mother's bathroom and it shattered, so I got the broom and the dustpan and dutifully swept everything up.

Of greater concern is the fact that Himself's right leg has been bothering him pretty consistently all day. He has a call in to the Telephone Advice Nurse now, and we shall see what she says. It would not surprise me in the least if we wound up in the ER sometime in the next 24 hours, though we are hoping to avoid that scenario if at all possible. Working out tomorrow is definitely off of the table.

I choose to focus on the good stuff that happened today, and take some cleansing breaths to release the rest. Catch y'all tomorrow.

Day 321: on remembering "the rest of the story"

Today I was reminded of what had not changed: the cats will still snub food that I put down for them. The Queen Mother will tell me what's on her mind, good bad and indifferent, before she forgets it entirely. Himself will be called in on an "emergency basis" because someone flaked on their shift at the Alano Club. The "outside world" will once again seem to lose its collective mind. I will wind up feeling just enough out of sorts that macaroni & cheese for dinner sounds like a really good idea. Oh yes - and the ants are still refusing to cooperate with me. 

At least I can begin to look forward to a well-deserved vacation: Seattle, WA, early November. Goddess willing we won't be derailed this time! 

Day 259: on hope and hunting

The Hope comes from one of the phone calls I managed to make today, to the office of the Queen Mother's doctor. It had been two weeks since I had put in a request to get a letter from them to see if I could get mom onto the Working Disabled program. I had expected a "sorry, no can do" from the office; instead, they were going to remind the doctor to write the letter and let me know when it was done!

The possibility yet exists that I can bring a positive end to this - which would be really nice, since the State of California is no longer paying the Queen Mother's Medicare Part B, and they will be going back to taking it out of her Social Security payment. In theory, this would qualify her for the deluxe version of Medi-Cal, until the state started paying her Part B again. Then her Social Security payment would be over the limit, and she would be booted out. So the Part B would once again be taken out of her monthly payment, ad nauseum. Getting her enrolled in the Working Disabled program would get her out of the revolving door and get her the deluxe version of Medi-Cal without worrying about her income. So, keep your fingers crossed, y'all.

The Hunting part comes from our (too) industrious boy, Inkblot, who seems to be bound and determined to teach his poor starving parents to hunt, or at least provide nutritious meals for them. First he brings home a lizard, which made a beeline for the writing desk and promply hid behind it. Fortunately, I was able to coax it out from hiding with the extendable rod portion of a broken cat toy, and Himself boxed it up. I then took it around the corner, well away from our home, and released it. Save for missing a tail, it appeared to be just fine. 

When we came home from our meetings tonight, we discovered the second critter he had brought in: an adult mourning dove. I went to bag it up, thinking it was dead, but lo - not only was it alive, it could still fly, which it did straight into the bathroom mirror when Himself tried to gather it up! I grabbed an old shoebox, and Himself wrapped it up in a small towel and put it in the box. It is currently safe and secure on top of the dryer in the washer/dryer alcove, which has a door that can be closed. The cats might smell the dove, but they have no idea where it is. The Humane Society is going to stop by to pick it up tomorrow morning. We were planning to get up a bit early anyway to drive down to Scripps La Jolla for a Cardiac Rehab (workout) session.

I found myself a bit more shaken up than I expected I would be, with the dove still alive and injured. I smudged the bathroom with a bit of white sage (after checking to make sure the smoke wouldn't be toxic to the cats; it's not) due to the smell, and started to feel better. Maybe I needed to smudge myself as well!

I was going to say that it was an unremarkable day, critter corraling aside, but that was before I remembered the husky dog that was wandering around on a busy road as we came home from Wal-Mart with a bag full of cat food. Fortunately, two gentlemen in front of us managed to guide the husky out of the way of the traffic. They were calling the number on the dog's collar to see if they could get in touch with its owner. Himself had called the non-emergency police line, and they had gotten in touch with Highway Patrol to send someone out. As the dog was on Eastbound 78, technically he was on a highway. 

Then there was the heavy mist/drizzle in San Diego this evening. It's the Summer Solstice in these parts, and it's basically raining. What der Flerbdy-Flooben?! The skies are scheduled to clear up next week, and we might actually have Summer-like temperatures again. We will see if we have our "July Fry" as usual this year.

Okay, now I'm done. For real. I'm going to help the Queen Mother into bed, then hit the hay myself.

Day 148: on the turning of the day

By and large, it has been a good relaxing day. It rained off and on today, and there looks to be more rain coming along in the next week. March isn't coming in like an angry lion, but the lion is soggy and making its presence known. 

Today I've been listening to my body and pacing myself. Yes, I was on a conference call today. Yes, I did a bit of work on the computer. Mainly, though, I have been quietly reading and enjoying the respite.

I chose to jump on Instagram earlier this evening and watch a Live from one of my favorite accounts, and that turned out to be a huge mistake. Yesterday there was an apparent misunderstanding that should have been settled privately, but it was taken public instead, and a molehill was turned into Mount Everest, with followers from both affected accounts getting into screaming arguments from behind their keyboards. The whole thing disgusted and sickened me...I had considered Instagram my Happy Place, relatively free from the drama flung around on Facebook and Twitter, but I guess I wasn't following enough accounts. At any rate, the drama llamas were still stampeding today, and I am officially Over It All.

I'm taking a long breather from ALL of the Social Media outposts, perhaps a permanent one. I simply don't have the bandwidth right now to wade through drama llama stuff, not with my current situation. I don't like what we as a species are becoming under the influence of Social Media - so rigid and inflexible in what we believe is "Right." This is how Inquisitions get off the ground, just saying. The other main takeaway from all of this is: if you want to get people to lose their minds, talk about Money and Pursuing Your Dreams. That's all I'm going to say about that.

I have talked with my cats, and feel calmer now. I will go back to my offline activities, add in a few more, and find a different happy place, one far far away from the Internet, as soon as it stops raining. ;)

Day 93: on having a slightly off day

I thought I had licked the ant problem last night. I was wrong. They were invading Himself's coffee maker today, and I found that they had invaded the electric part of my electric teakettle, meaning I wouldn't be able to get them out without flushing them out, which would ruin the kettle entirely. I had to toss the teakettle and go on a spraying and wiping rampage in the kitchen. I still don't know if Himself's coffee maker will be salvageable yet. Although I have removed ALL possible crumbs they might try to get their little antennae on, I can't tell where they're coming in, except that they seem to be behind the cupboards, or way in the back of them at the very least. :p

I wound up filling up one of my small pots and using it as an ersatz kettle to boil water in, both for my tea and for my oatmeal. Between losing my trusty electric kettle, rampaging all over the kitchen, and chatting online with a friend who is going through challenges halfway around the world, I didn't get a good start to the day, and I was a bit out of sorts the entire day. I also acknowledge 1) It's been something of a high-vibe week, that culminated in yesterday's birthday party, and 2) I haven't gotten as much sleep as I would have liked for the past few nights. So I've been a little tired all day. Let me just take a moment to accept that...

I did manage to get myself some tea and breakfast before tidying up the dining room table and taking out the trash. I read the parts of the Sunday paper I wanted to over dinner.

I also did a bit of an experiment: I have participated in a friend's "plan out your year" program for about four or five years, and have saved bits of the old books along the way. One of the activities in the program is to write a list of "100 things to do" during the year. I went through some of the old lists that I had to see what had been done in the time since I first filled out the lists, what could not be done anymore, and what I had yet to do. In gathering the yet-to-be-done things together, I found many of them were creative, arty projects that I had once intended to do, but inadvertently left behind (once I met my husband, and/or once everything began to go haywire). I found myself wondering if any of those forgotten projects could be brought forth and realized, so that's percolating in the back of my head. I came up with 63 things total, which would be a good foundation for a 2019 version of the list! I plan to return to the list later in the week.

It feels like I will be turning in once the Queen Mother is safely in bed, which is a good thing, as tomorrow is Himself's PET scan, and I will need to drive him home. I will be taking my mandala coloring book with me and starting a new mandala. If I'm fortunate, I'll be able to wash my hair before we need to hit the road.

Day 88: on starting somewhere

It turns out a good night's sleep did wonders for everyone's dispositions. The unpleasantness of the night before was left in the past, by unspoken mutual agreement. Himself and I also decided to tackle some of the "problem areas" the Queen Mother has been grousing about.

Mom can't use the shower in her bathroom, because it's one of those tub/shower combos, and the bathtub ledge is too high for her to step over safely. She comes and uses the shower in our bathroom, because it's a dedicated shower, and has a very low lip she can step over much more easily. It was beginning to show the effects of much use, shall we say, so Himself devoted his efforts to cleaning the shower. None of us use the bath/shower combo in the other bathroom, because 1) that shower head is broken, and 2) neither Himself nor I can fit into the shallow bathtub. Queen Mother could, but she would never be able to get up out of it again without a lot of help.

My task for today was to tackle the mountain of paperwork we had accumulated since 2016, when the Caregiver role began to take over my life, and anything that wasn't a high priority was swept aside. My first step was to sort all of the papers into three piles: mine, his, and mom's. Needless to say, mom's pile is the smallest, and it's a toss up between Himself and myself as to which of us has the longer paper trail! The next step is to sort each of our piles into three smaller piles: stuff to be recycled now, stuff to be held back for shredding, and stuff that's actually important enough to keep. I suspect the third pile will be the smallest, at least for me!

While all of this was going on, I also dove into the linen hamper and grabbed all of the towels and dishcloths for a long overdue washing. Drying is still in progress, as our dryer is no longer the most efficient appliance in the home, and the lint filter seems to fill up every five seconds!

I could have felt sorry for myself today, but I chose to take a step into the chaos and began to wrest some much needed Order out of it. This is one of my goals for 2019, and the first for the home.

Day 76: on easing my way through chaos

There is a reason why I like a slow morning to ease into the day: it makes whatever happens later in the day much easier to handle.

Like today...it was an easy morning, with plenty of time to drink my tea and write in my Morning Pages. Once I made up my mind to take action in the afternoon, the tempo picked up.

First, I cleaned out the refrigerator to make room for the food we were going to get later. Though we do our best to eat what we have, sometimes we get down to that final nibble we plan to finish off "tomorrow," or we lose track of where we've tucked something away behind all the other jars and bowls, or there's just something that someone don't like and arrangements will be made to pass it along, or get someone else to eat it - except Life takes over, and before we know it, there are some funky "science experiments" happily growing in the fridge that would continue growing ad infinitum, if we didn't step in and throw them out. I took advantage of the situation and took all of the trash out to the dumpster today, as they will be full-to-overflowing in a few days' time, and our trash service is going to be delayed one day.

Just as I was going to step into the shower, the attorney from Legal Aid who is going to help me with the Queen Mother's Medi-Cal appeal called me. I called him back after my shower. I like him already, because he provided some clarity as to what I could and could not do for mom and her Medi-Cal, and he was very sympathetic. We chose to postpone the appeal hearing for (approximately) one month, and I'm going to investigate all of the information I have received one more time to see if there's anything I can purchase, supplemental insurance-wise, that would help our cause. I was not previously in good place mentally to do that, but I'm feeling a bit more motivated to do it now.

After dressing, I got the Queen Mother's dinner ready a bit earlier than usual, and grabbed a protein bar to munch on for the drive down. Himself and I then took off to visit the food pantry at Jewish Family Serices. Getting down there wasn't too bad of a drive, but the traffic leaving San Diego proper was downright Insane! We agreed to stay in the area until after the traffic had died down; we had a few errands we needed to take care of anyway.

We have visited the pantry several times in the last two-ish years, first with Himself and his cancer experience, then because of the Queen Mother's situation. They have a good selection of food, and we have been satisfied with what we have picked up. We have even found unexpected treats there, such as Tim Tams (only the best non-ice cream dessert EVER!) direct from Austrailia. Today we were able to take care of some immediate needs, and stock up on a few things to be used for future Winter meals. I was pleased with what we carried out to the car.

We did eventually make it home, starting back on the road a bit after 8pm, well after the worst of the pre-holiday traffic. There were several instances today where I could have gotten angry, or upset at yet another change of destination, but I felt strangely At Ease with everyone and everything instead. Something has Shifted within me over the last two weeks, and I no longer feel on the brink of disaster. I'm still trying to find the words to express and process this properly.

Tomorrow I have to get Yet One More document filled out and turned in, and then I can begin to dive into the deep waters of Yuletide. I have much to unpack and make peace with, and I'm finally at a point where I can do just that. :)

Day 3: on decluttering and downsizing

After I finished up yesterday's post, I returned to a project that has been ongoing for a while: decluttering the master bedroom in our home (where Himself and I sleep). One thing about depression is that there are times when I really don't want to Do Anything, so the bedroom got rather bad with clutter and mess. I've been cleaning it up by degrees, and got a lot of work done yesterday. The floor in front of our bed is visible again! and one can get to the side door now!

The Queen Mother and I moved into our current home just before New Year's, 2000. We went from a decent sized, 3 bedroom 2 bath home into a 2 bedroom, 2 bath condo just under 1000 square feet. We did a lot of downsizing then, and still left a lot behind. As time as gone on, more of the upkeep has shifted to my shoulders - and then our shoulders, when Himself joined us in the condo in 2013. Between his cancer adventure, Queen Mother's diminishing capacities, and my depression...well, things got chaotic. It didn't get Hoarder-level bad (though Queen Mother might disagree with that), but we are definitely planning to get some help with keeping up the condo once our financial situation improves. In the meantime, when the prospect of decluttering and reorganizing stuff doesn't seem too overwhelming - and sometimes it does, as I wonder if I'm ever going to get back on top of things when I'm in Stinking Thinking mode - I manage to carve out pockets of Order in the Chaos, one part of one room at a time.

I'm not alone in this.

At the start of the year, the Queen Mother had two brothers. The younger of the two brothers passed away last Sunday, on September 30th. (If you follow along on Facebook, you'll know this.) We went to visit my aunt/his widow today...and she has a monumental task in front of her. Their house was a bit larger than our original one, and they had three kids they raised and watched fly out of the nest. Decades of memories and items are still present there, and she needs to downsize radically in order to move into an Independent Living facility. Her room is slightly more than half the size of the condo we live in! We managed to take home a few things today, and we've called dibs on a few things we need to figure out how to transport home. She's a bit overwhelmed and slightly panicked at the enormity of the task, but she seems to be keeping her composure quite well. We've offered to help schlep stuff as needed.

As I type these words onto the screen, the sense of I'm Not Alone In This arises in my mind, and I can breathe just a little easier. If my aunt can summon up the gumption to whittle a lifetime down to Essentials, perhaps I can be inspired to sort through the things that have informed my life up to this point and get a little sleeker, and clutter-free. Wish me luck.

Day 2: on where I put my attention

Let me start this off by saying, I am a writer. I have not been focusing on writing anything for publication lately, but I have been journaling extensively. One of my practices (which I would like to bring a little more consistency to!) is writing Morning Pages during the early part of my day. I found a little gem today that I wanted to bring here...

In today's Pages, I found myself writing about Where I Am Putting My Attention. I realized that as a caregiver, my attention is all too often on the chaos around me: why is the Queen Mother yelling for me? Why is Himself needing me? Oh yes, it's time to feed the cats. Oh Goddess, what are they talking about on the TV now? (This last one is usually my signal to go into my room and play soothing music on Pandora.) I find myself putting more of my attention on the Chaos that is surrounding me and less of my attention on my needs, my thoughts, my self-care practices. Then I wonder why I get cranky and resentful.

When I do focus my attention on myself, I often run into what I call "Stinking Thinking" - I'm obsessing about our finances, or why is the Queen Mother being so pissy, or what Himself should have done instead of what he did do, or trying to figure out how to squeeze One More Chore on the to-do list, or obsessing about our finances - you get the idea. Is it any wonder that I need to find a distraction in the Chaos around me?! It takes an effort to shift OUT of Stinking Thinking and IN to considering Self-Care...what would best soothe and recenter me: coloring a mandala? Journaling? A good shake in the shower to get all of the Energetic Gunk out of my system? Going for a walk?

So with this wee reminder that I tend to focus on Chaos first, regardless of whether it's outside or inside, I can use the question, "Where Am I Putting My Attention?" as a prompt to redirect myself from the useless noisy Chaos and find something more Orderly, look in my toolbox of Self-Care, and choose something from that to consider instead. I know I have gotten way out of practice with Self-Care, and I need to get back into regular trips to the well of Self-Care if I'm going to make it through this odyssey.

Here's a small confession: I have forgotten So Much of what I used to do for Self-Care. It's like when I started taking this whole caregiving task seriously, all of my previous learning and research and  Wisdom went completely out the window. It's like my Journey of Spirit was erased in one swift stroke, and I went back to being an "ordinary" woman trying to cope with extraordinary demands, because Cancer and Dementia demand ALL of your attention, and then some! Now I am trying to regather the pieces of myself to see what is still here, what is salvageable, and what I need to toss. I am starting from Square One all over again, with this blog, with my Morning Pages, with a bare bones morning routine, and now with a prompt. Where Am I Putting My Attention now? and now? and oh yes, now?