snapshot of a monday

On the verge of what looks to be an intense and turbulent Eclipse Season, the energy brings me back to the blog to share. I thought I would relate a bit more about what life is like outside of our complex, after the usual updates...

The Queen Mother had an obvious descent into the Land of Confusion for a week, then seemed to plateau this past week, pulling herself back together somewhat. The challenge is, she rarely tells me when she gets significantly Confused, partly because she is of the "I don't want to be a bother" mentality, and partly because she picked up the idea somewhere along the line that I was going to get mad at her and yell at her. I will grant you I am not the most copacetic woman in the world sometimes - especially first thing in the morning and perhaps the first day in the Moontime - but I make a significant effort not to fly off the handle, something much easier to accomplish now that my Depression is not actively flitting around in my head. I help her as I can, and especially when I notice something is a little "off."

She has also taken to talking a lot when she sees me. I suspect she is trying to Use Her Words as much as she can before the time comes when the brain-to-mouth connection no longer works for her. Honestly, I have mixed feelings about that possibility. As much as I might not want to her all the talking, what will it will be like when we basically have to play charades? I have thought of taking pictures of various objects around the house and making flash cards out of them, so she can find the picture of what she is wanting and point to it. I will cross that bridge when we get there.

As for Himself: his aunt (mother's sister) passsed on last Monday. We had an opportunity to tune in to the virtual memorial service yesterday, which was good. We got a chance to see family again, some in Connecticut, some in Texas (especially grateful as the suspicion is Covid paid them a recent visit!), some in Chicago, and some in San Francisco. It was good to schmooze, but as Himself pointed out, we need to do more schmoozing on other occasions than memorial services! We will see what germinates from the seeds that were planted yesterday.

He also went down to the VA last week to attend to a pair of appointments. One of them had been canceled without advising him beforehand, but for a very good reason - two of the wings on the fifth floor (ICU and the surgical ward) were literally taped off due to Covid patients being there, and one of his appointments was supposed to take place in the now off-limits area. It was rescheduled without a huge issue, but it was one of those moments that can really give one pause.

Now, in my neck of the woods...we do not have a curfew time. There are curfews in place in other parts of San Diego County. La Mesa, which is about 30-40 minutes to the south and east of us, experienced its own insanity this past Saturday night, because of a (non-fatal) confrontation between a (white) policeman and a (black) citizen last week. The closest area in curfew to us is Poway, which is about 10-15 minutes south and a little east of us. The North Coounty is, so far, incident and curfew free.  On the other front, most everyone is wearing a mask outside, and of the few who don't, most of them have a mask in hand to put on when they come near significant numbers of people. I'm not sure if folks are standing exactly six feet apart in the lines (mainly to get into Trader Joe's, but I have seen other lines), but social distancing is being practiced without complaint.

I continue to stay away from the news and social media as much as I can. I cycle in and out of the zeitgeist, being a Sensitive who picks up on the Collective energies rather easily. I have a pouch with certain crystals and stones in it that I tuck into a pocket when the energies get too intense to keep me from flying off the edge and/or down the nearest rabbit hole. I have Pandora to stream music when I need it, the playlists of videos I am steadily adding to on YouTube, and some sage and Palo Santo to burn as needed. I don't do a lot of aromatherapy witb Essential Oils because a lot of those oils are actually toxic to cats, and it's important to me that the furkids have fresh air to breathe!

Now for the good news: I have a story that is ready for prime time. Once I run it througb the Editor (a new feature on MS Word that I look forwatd to debating with) and give it a final read-through, it. will. be. finished. Holy shit! Then I'm sending it to a friend up north to see if she likes it. I have also been reading exerpts of things I've been working on to another friend over Zoom on Fridays. 

I have found something interesting in the process - I would rather you read something I wrote instead of me reading something aloud that I have written. When in the spotlight, so to speak, I tend to read very fast and stumble over words. I find myself wanting to work on that to get more comfortable in reading my own writing. There's a Judge in there somewhere...

As I can't think of anything else at the moment, I think I will leave off here and paddle back out into the Great Expanse, until the next time. 

words, worms, & worries

Peeking out from behind the Looking Glass once more...

I have not had a whole lot to say over the past month or so, as my days have a comfortable sameness to them. Enough different things have unfolded, though, that I can now provide an update. In reverse order, then:

The worries first, and most of them are around the Queen Mother. Her mental state continues to deteriorate. She forgets more and more as the days flow around us. She had a significant stomach issue about a month ago, and recovered from that. (No more takeout for her, period.) She mixed up her astringent and her mouthwash a couple of weeks ago, which put me on edge for a few days.

Most recently her cataract consultation was rescheduled, but we didn't reschedule it until we were at the office for the original appointment. (Yes, you have the right number; no, we never got a message on the answering machine.) En route to and from said trip, it became very apparent that 1) mom needed a wheelchair to transport her out of the house, and 2) she was super challenged getting into our car to go home. She is truly Homebound now, and I am making alternate arrangements. Her follow up appointment with her doctor is now going to be via teleconference, and I'm still considering the options for her cataract consult, which she might not even want in another month or two. She's definitely keeping me on my toes!

A much smaller worry is Himself. He is taking care of himself, and had his latest scan and appointment with Oncology this past week. The frenemy desmoid has grown a bit more, but not too much. Everyone has agreed to take a Wait and See approach for any possible future action.

The worms are from the cats. Apparently, Flea Season is going to be extra nasty this year, because the fleas gave the cats a case of tapeworms. They are now de-flead and de-wormed, and seem to be fine - aside from when they coordinate and hork up hairballs on the same day. I will be adding a cat brush to my list.

Most of my energy these days goes to playing with the words of the stories I am putting on the computer. I am in the middle of my third project now, and I recently re-read all of the short stories I wrote some twenty years ago. Some are just about ready for Prime Time, and others need some more work yet. I found the personalized rejection letter I received all those years ago, and after reading the story I thought was ready to be submitted, I can see why. No, it wasn't quite ready at the time. I even cringed a couple of times as I re-read it! 

My dream is to publish these stories, and with Self-Publishing, that dream will soon be a reality. My Big Dream is to find an artist who can put pictures to my words and really bring my stories to life. The one thing that has frustrated me over the years is my inability to illustrate my own stories beyond primitive cartoons. What this envisioning will look like, I don't know; it could be anything from a graphic novel to a filmed project. I would just be thrilled for other people to see these characters as I see them, and see them outside of the "confines" of my Imagination.

So, my days are filled with keeping an eye on the Queen Mother, and feeding cats, and writing, and stepping out with Himself one or two days per week to grab the necessary groceries, and reading. I am rarely on any social media platform these days and I'm reading fewer screens and more actual books! I started by revisting some old friends, then switched to read new-to-me adventures. I'm currently working through the Hunger Games trilogy of books, as the phrase, "May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor" seems to be entirely too appropriate to describe our current state of affairs. I will add that working on my emotional eating issues has paid off very well, as I am down another ten pounds since this Shift started. Portion Control is a wonderful thing.

When more interesting things happen, I will be back to share them. In the meantime, watch those odds. ;)  

life in the time of corona (virus)

A tip of the hat to Gabriel Garcia Marquez, who wrote Love in the Time of Cholera and provided the inspiration for the title...

In truth, the overall structure of my life hasn't really changed that much, to be honest. I left my job four years ago after Himself's initial cancer diagnosis, because trying to help him, keep an eye on the Queen Mother, and hold down a full time job to boot felt like too much. I have been practicing Staying Home pretty much the whole time.

I will say the timing of the Queen Mother getting back on "deluxe" Medi-Cal could not have been better. (I received my first paycheck today. I found that I need to restart direct deposit into my account, since I didn't realized the check had been mailed to me until I called to see where it was!) She was re-evaluated by In Home Supportive Services just before all hell broke loose, and will actually be getting more hours as of April First. In this way, I am very blessed. Once I get a few bills taken care of, I will see about paying some of my blessings forward.

The fact that casual trips out of the home are all but verboten is a bit of a challenge. Fortunately we live in a gated condo complex, so our exposure to the "outside world" is at a minimum. I joke that we were practicing Social Distancing before it came into vogue. I'm able to step out and take a lap around the complex when I feel like getting some fresh air and sunshine. I'm not the only one who does, as the hour right before dinner recently looked like "social hour," with family units keeping to themselves as they walked. I can adjust my timing accordingly, depending on whether or not I feel like talking to anyone.

The biggest adjustment I've had to make is to runs to the grocery store. I am working on consolidating runs to only once a week, and making do if I run short on something before the "official" day. I'm also rotating the stores I go to, to minimize my exposure at any one location. I wear gloves when I go get the groceries, as the Queen Mother will be 78 on Sunday, and Himself is still somewhat immuno-compromised due to his cancer adventures. So far, though, so good. I've been lucky to get what we've most needed more often than not. Once I had to improvise with cereal, as the options were sparse; another time I've had to wait on getting rice because the rice we normally get was right out. Still, I've managed to keep everyone's belly full.

I have felt challenged with doing anything around the house, or looking at mail, or scheduling tasks...unless it has to do with writing. I have found myself writing consistently more often than not; in fact, I am almost done getting the novel I started with onto the computer. I've done some revising as I've gone along, with notes on further revisions once I review this particular draft. I also have the next few projects lined up to continue writing. Now if only I could channel this ambition into some of the other areas of my life! Perhaps it will come in time.

Most of the time, I feel rather decent. I do have spells of anxiety, but I find myself cycling through them instead of getting stuck within them. I remind myself now and again that I am emerging from a gnarly bout of depression that visited on and off for two and a half years, which followed Himself's cancer adventures, which followed a miscarriage, which followed a high-stress work situation! So there is absolutely no rush, nor reason to rush, getting into deep cleaning the house or aligning with the world as it is now. All things in the fullness of time.

So this is my snapshot of how life is behind the looking glass. I will update as things continue to unfold.

hello from bizarro-land

With visions of Coronavirus skewing the worldview, it seems appropriate to pop in with an update. I did not intend for February to slide completely down the rabbit hole, but it did, and now we have ended up behind the looking-glass. So without further ado, let me bring y'all up to speed...

Regarding Himself: the Mystery Spot turned out to be a lymph node gone rogue. It might, or might not, be related to the genetic condition that gave him a gazillion polyps in his GI tract. He had the biopsy last week, and we have an appointment at the VA this coming Monday to discuss results and next moves. Said appointment might be changed to a phone consult; we shall see.

In addition, his personal injury case (from the car accident in July 2018!) FINALLY settled. All accounting has been squared away, and we received enough to pay the property taxes (done), get new eyeglasses for Himself and Myself (next week), and to buy a new set of tires for the car (in about 2-3 months). Still waiting to see what happens in DC, but the squaring away of this has brought some profound relief.

Regarding the Queen Mother: she has continued to decline, then plateau, with her mental processes slipping a few more gears along the way. I am now documenting when she has her Episodes, and I find that she slips a little more each time. Since we found the cause - her incredible shrinking brain - I am finding that Patience is easier to come by.

Now for the bonus round...there is something called the Pickle Amendment (I kid you not, that's really what it's called) that has apparently opened the door for mom to be back on the Deluxe version of Medi-Cal! In true Mercury Retrograde/Bureaucratic fashion, I received the notifications from Social Security and Health & Human Services before I received the notice from the County office of this miracle. Earlier this week, she was re-evaluated for In-Home Suppportive Services, and I confirmed that I'm still an active Provider on her roster, so guess who is submitting a timesheet on Monday to be PAID to take care of mom! She is also getting more hours per month starting in April, and she is good to go for at least the rest of this year.

Regarding Moi: Besides all of the above good financial news which has really brought a considerable peace of mind, I have gotten back into Writing again, with my first love (Science-Fiction) and the first novel I ever wrote, which has undergone two or three major revisions and will doubtless undergo two or three more before I am satisfied. An unofficial inventory revealed two complete full-length novels, two in-progress full-length novels, a handful of intermediate-length works, a dozen short stories, and several notebooks/notepads full of ideas and snippets.

I was bound and determined to be an Author and Writer in the 90's. The closest I got to actual publication was receiving a personalized rejection letter. I jumped headlong into Metaphysics with the new millennium, but have usually had pen and paper handy to jot something down in the interim. Going back to my original manuscripts has "Sparked Joy" in my spirit, and I have a motivation to get me through the days that I didn't have previously, or even recently. With the advent of Self-Publication, I have the advantage today of not needing to submit to magazines or publishing houses before seeing my work in print out in the world. I won't however, put out garbage stories just so I can see my name in lights. This will be high-quality stuff, if Science-Fiction is your cup of tea. (If anyone is interested in seeing excerpts, holler back. I have come to appreciate the wisdom of a second set of eyes seeing what I might miss.)

So yes, I am alive and feeling better than I have for quite a while - just in time to combat apocalyptic cooties! I will definitely try to post here more often, and might even do a bit of vlogging as well, provided I can figure out the technical aspects. If not, there's always Instagram, though I'm going to be stepping back from that for a few days while people lose their minds. Huh boy...

getting ready

Yesterday and today were all about getting some stuff done before the next rainstorm arrives, which they are predicting for sometime tomorrow morning. We are definitely in the Winter Storm track now. Last week was very much a drenching, and this week promises to follow suit. It looks like it's going to be a very soggy Turkey Day, much like last year's was, actually.

Yesterday I managed to get the laundry done. Today I got out the trash and the recycling. The "non-valuable" recycling went into the bins by the corner dumpster, while the valuable recycling went to the local recycling center. Between what we had gathered in the house and what Himself had brought home from the Club, we got enough to fill up the gas tank in the car...very important for the days to come!

Somehow I was "volunteered" to provide a green salad for the potluck celebration that the Alano Club holds every year. (Pausing to throw a little stinkeye at the husband.) Fortunately salads are my gig, so I will be taking my precious $20 and using some of it to grab a few ingredients I need for the salad. I need more lettuce anyway, so there you go. Himself's monthly pension arrives on Friday, so it's not as big a deal as it could have been. I will also be braving the food frenzied crowds tomorrow to pick up a few cans for the cats, as pretty well EVERYTHING will be closed on Thursday. Friday will be our next big grocery run, which will also be a hoot and a half, as we duck and dodge between rabid Black Friday zombie shoppers.

My local cousin and her family will be heading north to Sacramento this year for their annual "Turkey Week" celebration. While I'm a bit bummed that there won't be a family gathering this year for us to attend, I'm also relieved that there's one less event I have to schedule on the calendar. Besides, this also gives me the excuse of scheduling a get-together with family, perhaps before the end of the year, perhaps after. It will depend in part on my mood.

Speaking of, my mood is brightening a bit. I admit to being challenged by a bit of Seasonal Affective Disorder - the cool dark damp is not optimal Jaguar Weather - but I am finding something of a happy medium to navigate these shorter days and longer nights with. Perhaps the fact that my Shadow-Work during this last Mercury Retrograde was particularly informative and insightful has helped. I am looking over my results and drawing up a semi-formal action plan.

It might be akin to washing the car before a rainstorm, but I'm intending on washing my hair tomorrow, so I don't have to worry about washing it on Thursday, when we'll likely be running around like turkeys with our heads cut off. I might, or might not, blog again before month's end. If you are celebrating this week, eat well, but don't overdo it. They're called Leftovers for a reason! ;)

on, and off, the rollercoaster

Well, that was unintentional. I had planned to blog again last Friday, but Himself and I were delayed in coming home, and then I chatted with a friend for about two hours (because it had been a while and reconnection was long overdue). By the time I got off the phone, it was late, and I was tired. I could have posted after midnight, since the strictures of this blogging process had been eased with the completion of my year long project, but I chose to wait instead, thinking I would post again by Monday at the latest.

Then everything got worse, at least in my headspace.

For me, the trip up to Seattle is not meant to be, not this year. The money is Just Not There for me to go along with Himself; moreover, the only reason he is able to go is because his way has been paid for by the local region! Every time I thought I had hit upon a solution that would work, the solution would dissolve after further inquiry. I have a few very good leads for some help Long-Term, but for right now, all the solutions lie just out of reach. I wound up Imploding, crying off and on (mostly on) through Monday night.

Tuesday was, by and large, a Do Nothing Day. I did help Himself clean up the bathroom a little (though he did most of the heavy work), but for most of the day I felt stuck and numb. Plans had fallen through one time too many, I thought, and I wasn't sure how I would be able to pull myself together once again.

I turned to what I knew best - writing - and took some deep dives, both within my Morning Pages and outside of them in some Timed Writing sessions. As the words came together, so did the Insights. To summarize, I started out questioning why I clung so hard to Expectations, and wound up staring at my Very Little Inner Child sitting atop a pile of Broken Promises, thinking there must be "Something Wrong" with her. It made sense as well: my Depression felt so Heavy not just out of Frustration, but out of Disappointment, that Yet Another Promise had been broken, Yet Again.

This, I can work with. I can meet these images and visions with Healing Ceremonies, speaking the language of Metaphor and Archetype. Once I reached the A-Ha! moment, life began to lighten and clear up again.

In the meantime, I need to back up half a step. Today both Himself and the Queen Mother received their monthly deposits in their respective accounts. Yesterday, we came up a bit short financially, and had to "Make Do" in a few areas. The cats did not complain when they were fed "people" tuna, but the Queen Mother sure did! She did a lot of ranting yesterday, for she felt certain parts of her Daily Routine had been altered in Ways She Did Not Like. Today she paid the price for her stressing with her worst "episode" yet. She still hasn't quite recovered from yesterday, and I might be calling the Nurse Advice line tomorrow if she's still in a Bad Way.

The Queen Mother, you see, is not very good at Screaming or Crying or throwing any sort of temper tantrum. Sometimes I wonder if she tried to "Vulcanize" herself (a la Mr. Spock in Star Trek, as she always prided herself at remaining cool and UNemotional, unlike my father, who never felt the need to restrain himself, at least in mom's eyes. (If I had a dollar for every time she said, "You're just like your father," and not meaning it as a compliment, I wouldn't have near the money issues that I do now!) With her mind unraveling, and gallstones now present, I suspect that she's now paying the price for Stuffing It All Deep Down for most of her life.

Last night was a grabbing of Essentials, as Himself got a wee windfall before the Main Payday; tomorrow is the Full Shopping day, along with Laundry and paying a few bills. We shall be making hay as the sun shines! With any luck, I won't be gone for so long in between blog posts, either. :)

Day 357: on considering balance

Today started out damp and has ended damp. I laugh at our weatherman's assertion that "the bulk of the moisture has moved on," considering I heard it rain, albeit lightly, three times after the local news was on this evening. It is definitely the season to wear pants and drink more warm teas, though we have been advised that things will warm up again starting the second half of next week. 

It was a good day to take a deep dive in the Morning Pages, and consider what I can do to strengthen my Spritual muscles. The Pages and this blog help keep my Mental and Emotional muscles in good shape, but my Spiritual practices have fallen by the wayside during the heavier and more intense parts of my Odyssey. The takeaway from my "thinking aloud" in the Pages is that I need to create opportunities to do super quick and easy things, as quick and easy as swiping up on my screen and tapping on Instagram or my Freecell game. 

The two things right now that I can do that are super easy and nurturing are Coloring and Reading. I wound up reorganizing a creative nook that I have, throwing out things that needed to be recycled or otherwise pitched, and gathering together my coloring books. I found that I have been gifted A LOT of coloring books over the past few years; I won't be running out of things to color any time soon! I was going to add some actual books in this nook, but I don't have the room at the moment to do so. I need to rearrange a bit more for that to happen. That's perfectly fine, as it's a work in progress, and I will be returning back to it later.

The rest of the day was easy as well: taking out the trash and keeping up with recycling, preparing dinner for the Queen Mother and myself, then leaving her to her TV programs (Saturday is all about Animal Planet) and enjoying the gift of being At Ease. Tomorrow will bring a new day and the start of services for the Jewish New Year. We will be attending at our synagogue after all.

Day 291: on clearing a path through

We actually got up and going in plenty of time to make it down to San Diego to the Compensation and Pension building, so well that we were actually a few minutes early for once. I had taken my mandala coloring book, but my mind was not in the mood to cooperate, so I wound up looking at all of the pretty pages I had already colored instead.

When Himself was called back, the doctor who met us at least appeared to be sympathetic to our cause, especially when he shared that both of his parents had been forced to "correct" their left-handedness when they were growing up, which is still one of the stupidest things I have ever heard of. After half an hour of questioning, along with a brief examination of both Himself and his records, the doctor sounded pretty confident that Himself would indeed be Certified in his left hand - and that the Carpal Tunnel was indeed traceable back to his time in active duty in the Navy. 

After we left the Compensation and Pension folks, it was off to breakfast at Denny's. We had just enough to get some coffee (for Himself) and tea (for Myself) and a short stack of pancakes for each of us, thanks to their "cheap eats" menu. As we were waiting for our pancakes, Himself's Veteran's attorney called, and they discussed the situation. The next step will be for the VA to send Himself a Statement of the Case, which he will share with the attorney, and then the next round of arguing can begin.

Himself had more Club business to attend to, and I was not really feeling up to accompanying him on adventures that might not finish in a timely manner. I honored my No by voicing it, and he honored my No by taking me home. The Queen Mother was finishing up her breakfast when we arrived, then Himself went back down to the Club.

While mom went online to read and respond to her emails, then played some Solitaire, I had myself my promised nap. I woke up in time to help her with her shower, which she takes once a week; more often is too painful for her these days. Once she had lotion applied to her back and legs, I thought I would go back to napping, but it seems I was good to go, so I did a bit of Shadow Work instead through some timed writing exercises. I have felt so frustrated by Ambiguity in my life, I wanted to find out Why. I found the real cause of my frustrations, and have some new prompts to work with. More to be revealed later...

I finished up in time for dinner for everyone, cats and people alike, and wound up having spaghetti (with a side salad; I try to have a salad with most every dinner) this evening. Himself came home a bit earlier than usual, so it's been a restful evening. We shall see what wants to unfold tomorrow, and whether any plans need to change.

Day 267: on a nice slow day

If you're in the mood, honeydew + key lime yogurt (dairy-based or otherwise) = Divinely Inspired Bliss. Highly recommended.

Most of my paperwork is done. I need to consult with Himself on a point or two, do some writing on the computer, and copy a few documents. These last two parts will need to wait until I have a new ink cartridge for the printer, because we're all out of black ink.

I re-listened to a recording my friend Andrea made about finding magic in the hard parts of life, because yesterday wasn't as serene as I had thought it would be. I did a bit of Timed Journaling with the prompts. I realized that Caregiving, though an important part of my life, isn't the biggest part, nor the only part. I need to be reminded of that sometimes.

Looking forward to more Open Time tomorrow. I might not be vacationing in a semi-exotic local right now, but I'm getting the Respite I have been so desperately craving. :)

Day 251: on finally decompressing

Today finally matched my expectations about how I had envisioned this "staycation" to be like. My mind was relaxing on Tuesday, then jumped back into Overwhelm on Wednesday. Without any outside commitments today, I was able to sink into the relaxed pace and enjoy myself (at least until my lower back started kvetching).

I have reorganized the various bags we brought with us: Our Bathroom, the Queen Mother's Bathroom, the Kitchen. It wasn't as complex as I first thought it would be, which is good. I also did a Timed Writing exercise that I had been putting off for a whlle, considering my What If's. I only came up with two this time around, but I tucked this into the back of my brain in case I needed to use it again later. 

We will be doing some packing up tonight, as tomorrow will be another early morning and we have much to do after breakfast: a bit of vacuuming and opening up the windows, schlepping things back to the house, then bringing home the Queen Mother and the cats. (We didn't get any calls from Petsmart today, so I will take that as No News Is Good News). We actually visited the home today, and I am very glad that we are taking this extra night away: within about five minutes of being inside, I could feel tightening in my front sinuses and a tickle in the back of my throat...and if I could feel these things, the cats would feel even worse. So yes, one more night away, with the central fan on at home. I do have my house keys back. :)

The "forced adventure" is almost over, and we will be easing back into more normal routines tomorrow and through the weekend. I will share more thoughts about everything in my next entry.

Day 183: on taking full advantage

Today started out slowly, for which I was grateful. It was also much sunnier and a bit warmer than yesterday had been. Himself stayed home during the day and did a load of laundry, and I wrote in my Morning Pages and lingered over breakfast. When he mentioned that he would have to be away on Sunday to tend to some business, I immediately shifted to Chill Mode and luxuriated in an easy day. Tomorrow I can do the things; today I read a little and napped a little more.

I did break out my special purple notebook after dinner and engage in some Timed Writing exercises. I gained some clarity and peace of mind when I was done, even though I had to take a bit of a breather in between topics. I did manage to find some treasures buried in the muck, and put them aside for later consideration.

Now I have two sleeping cats on the bed with me, and I shall follow suit shortly. I have some open days next week, so once again I am hopeful I can do some things that need to be done. I also look forward to warmer, longer days to recharge in. Adjusting to the time shift is always annoying, but these are the days that make the shift worthwile. :)

Day 162: on listening in the shadows

Today was a day to note all the little aggravations, sit down with them, and listen to them one at a time to see what story they were trying to tell me. 

The main aggravation was in not getting to the beach today. Between me pulling myself together, Himself pulling himself together, the Queen Mother putting in her two cents, and the absolute chaos on the freeways, I figured that by the time we actually got to the beach, it would be just in time to turn around and come back, to help the Queen Mother with her dinner. 

However, with the first refreshing Spring Beverage in hand (my go-to of Black Tea & Lemonade), I came up with an excellent Plan B: the duck pond at Kit Carson Park, less than five minutes away. We made it there and had a good breather there instead. The pond was almost full to its brim, thanks to all of the Winter rains, and there were many ducks and coots enjoying the renewed pond. There were also at least two turtles there, but they were more secretive, preferring to avoid the attention of all of the people who were out enjoying the fabulous weather.

There was also an astounding number of butterflies fluttering through the air. Their migration has been going on for a week or two now, as they have been flying roughly east-to-west. I also noticed them after we got home, and even took some video of them temporarily inhabiting a flowering tree in front of the condo directly across from us. You can see the video in my Messenger Stories. (I'm not quite ready to pick up the Daily Story thread again just yet; I thought I would give myself until April before I tried again.)

So, I prepared the Queen Mother's dinner, had my dinner, then settled in for some Timed Writing exercises in my trusty Writing Circle journal. The first idea was to write around the idea of "Sacrifice," because I was feeling it coming up again within me. I poured out a lot onto the page in ten minutes, and there was a lot of Resentment that came out as well. Then I turned my attention to how I felt whenever I was requested to do something "Right Now." That didn't flow as smoothly as the first, but more juicy material flowed out through my pen onto the paper. Finally, I put the two together, and found myself writing about the fear of Erasure: that since my needs "didn't matter," I felt like I was in danger of being Erased. What came up and flowed out here was pure gold, and perfectly expressed what I have been feeling, on and off, since I began my Odyssey. I have a few ideas about how to proceed from here.

As I allowed the Shadow Material to percolate, Himself passed along some shocking news: one of our friends (who is a bit older than Himself) is currently in Intensive Care at a nearby hospital, having suffered TWO significant strokes in three days! His situation right now is touch and go, and any prayers that can be made on his behalf would be most appreciated.

I am very glad we will be going to our support group tomorrow. Perhaps our beach time was meant to unfold after that. We shall see.

 

Day 137: on multi-level cleaning

I managed to turn around my mood last night when I chose to dive back into my writing, something I managed not to do over the weekend. I didn't wind up writing a whole lot, but it inspired me to do a little research over on Wikipedia, which is one of my best friends. The data available there was simply not present some fifteen-odd years ago, when I first came up with the idea for this story. Totally inspired, with my inner learning geek satisfied, I went to bed in a much better mindset than I had when I got up in the morning - which had been an improvement over the day before.

With another good night's sleep under my belt, and a bright sunny sky, I took another incremental step forward up the mountain. We all took showers today, a total Shower-palooza, and in the middle of it all, the nail on the second toe of my left foot, the one that's looked a little funky for quite a while, and the one that I did a number on last month, finally fell off. I got the chance to see what a toe looks like under its nail, and I saw there was already a wee toenail growing in to replace the nasty gnarly one. Whether it grows back all the way remains to be seen. In the meantime, I have a cute Hello Kitty bandaid on it, and I will for a few more days, to keep it protected.

We had to go out to get some more cat food today, and I was about ready to put the huswifery aside and not worry about it, simply because I was going to have to leave the house! Then I talked some sense into myself, and tidied up the top of the main dresser in our room, and picked up trash on that side of the room. Another small project that makes me feel worlds better. 

Now I have one cat upset that he can't go outside, but the temperatures are getting close to freezing tonight, and sometimes mom has to be more sensible than the furry adopted offspring. The rain is supposed to come back tomorrow evening, then last until Friday, so it will continue to be cold and, just maybe, a tiny bit of snow might fall in the wee hours, as the temperature is supposed to be just about freezing Thursday night. The last time it snowed in my neck of the woods was in 1969 - two years before I was born! You know you live in SoCal when possible snow is a source of excitement, instead of dread. ;)

Before the rain returns, there is trash and recycling to be taken out to their respective dumpsters, and I will see how part three of Huswifery unfolds...

Day 130: on returning to fiction

I have felt a return to writing fiction bubbling below the surface for the past few months. I have even gone back to a story I had previously written and done some editing on it. Yesterday, though, the pot finally boiled over, and I called up Word on my tablet, and began to write fiction again. I. am. writing. fiction. again.

I would say that this would be a bit of a departure from the past, but thinking about it a bit more, that's not true. I am equally comfortable writing longhand with a pen on paper or typing words onto a blank screen. Overall, I might have done more of the former kind of writing, as I have easily half a dozen steno pads (the smaller notebooks bound at the top that are used for taking shorthand) that are full of notes, snippets, and short stories. I also write my Morning Pages in longhand on loose leaf paper held together in a large blue three ring binder. However, in my college years, and for a time afterward, I wrote stories directly into a word processor or computer, so I can't really say I prefer one modality over the other.

I have no target number of words or pages in mind, nor can I say for certain that this material will ever see the light of day. It would definitely need to be researched for accuracy in the details, but I can worry about that later. I'm writing the "origin stories" of a pair of characters that arose for me at least ten years ago, if not more, in what would be an "historical fiction" story, should I choose to pursue it. It's not fantasy, as I don't envision those traditional tropes - mythical beasties, magick, hidden realms - popping up in the story, but it definitely isn't science fiction either, which is what I have written since I was in my teens. So it's a good exercise in stretching ye olde writing wings.

Right now I am delighted that I have been returning to older, familiar ways of Creating that I have done in the past (fiction writing, collage). I am throwing back the storm doors that were locked during the turbulent years and bringing out aspects of myself that had taken cover during the worst of my mental and emotional turbulence. There is still some rough ground to cover before the end of this part of the odyssey, but I am recovering some bits of myself that I had feared I had lost, and it feels very good, on this day. :)

Day 115: on flipping the script

Shortly after I got up this morning, I checked the bank accounts and found that we had been overdrawn by a withdrawal of an automatic payment. This was not the way I wanted to start my day, especially my Monday, and I felt the Stinking Thinking wanting to take over and jump with me down the nearest rabbit hole. Instead, I called a conscious stop, brewed my cup of tea, and dove into my Morning Pages. I didn't come up with any miraculous solutions, but the act of writing helped to calm down and stay out of the rabbit holes.

After breakfast, I went to my credit union branch and explained my situation. I fully expected sympathy but no action; instead, I got sympathy and the reversal of not one, but two overdraft charges, leaving more money in my account than I had hoped for. I walked out pleasantly surprised and thinking that this might not be another horrid Monday after all...

I took care of some business on the computer, then made my phone calls. Almost all of them produced better than expected results: one place found where we were inadvertently being double-charged, and cancelled the charge that was no longer valid. Another place emailed me the forms I needed to fill out to get a hold of the Queen Mother's records. The one exception was to the Social Security office, so I could not make an appointment. It looks like the Queen Mother will have to visit in person, as a walk in, in order to get the information we need.

With all of my necessary items crossed off my to-do list for the day, I went into the kitchen and loaded dirty dishes into the dishwasher. I finished up after dessert had been eaten and started the dishwasher up. On top of everything else, I finished coloring my latest mandala.

So many days have started out crappy and gone downhill from there. Today was a flipping of the script - a bad start, but a good finish. Taking a few small breaks to stop and recenter helped immensely. :)

Day 104: on making a list of "100 things"

Today was mainly a rainy day. There was a gap in the downpour this morning, and Inkblot chose that moment to ask to be let outside. I let him out, and realized that it was a lot brighter than usual, because it was a lot later than usual - 9:40am, in fact! I had a choice: to go back to sleep for 20 minutes, or to go ahead and start my day. I chose to embrace this gift of Quiet Time that I had been given and moved into the day, starting with a shower, feeding Pippa (the much smarter cat of the household), and easing into my Tea and Morning Pages ritual. I actually finished writing in the pages before the Queen Mother arose, as the rest of the household rose and began to shine much later than I had.

Yesterday and today I have been doing an exercise I learned from a planner I have gotten in the past, and will get again in the future, when I have the means to do so. It's writing down a list of things to do in 2019, whch can range to the most basic and practical to the most elaborate and fantastic. I have actually gone back through some old lists and found things I didn't do, sat with them to see which were still doable and which I needed/wanted to let go of, and wrote down those that still sparked a little in my heart. Many of the things from the older lists turned out to be creative in nature, something that found a deep resonance in my spirit, as creating artsy things has been the furthest thing from my mind these last few years!

I combined those things with things that I would like to do for myself as a Caregiver, as well as things I would like to do to make myself healthier, things that I would like to start doing again, and things that I need to do once we get some decent money coming into the house again. It took a couple of days, but I did come up with 100 things that were not repeats or reiterations of earlier items.

A random sampling of a few of these items:
4) Read Mark Twain's Autobiography (which I still haven't done)
87) Get new glasses and sunglasses (the latter pair snapped in half last year)
36) Drink half my weight in water
77) Retrieve (from storage) and resume my art journal (combining words with hand-drawn pictures brings a whole new dimension to my journaling practice)
58) Get rid of all electronic waste (taking items to a special recycler instead of just dumping them in the trash)
You get the idea.

It was a good day today. Though we got to the support group a little later than I would have liked, the group was small, and I was still able to share at length. It was misty off and on this evening, and I got a nice "mood shot" for my Daily Story. Between the easy pace, the composing of my list, and the support group, I am feeling a measure of peace and serenity. There are still challenges ahead, but they feel much more achievable now.

Tomorrow is supposed to be partly to mostly sunny for much of the day, so there will be a change in the weather, and the start of a drying out period. There are one or two things that we will need to do outside of the house, but I might also do a little wandering about. We shall see...

Day 102: on an un-rushed day

Another easy day today. :)

Between my Morning Pages and my journal, I did a lot of mental decluttering. It's interesting how some things I discovered early on in my Shadow Work have resurfaced in this Odyssey, and how much I wound up forgetting, thanks to all of the "cortisol baths" my brain has taken over the past two-ish years. I meet the lessons again, on a different level of the spiral, and my epiphanies feel familiar, and still ring true.

It feels like I have had a lot of Fear cleared out of me. Now I can see where I started projects and other things out of a place of Fear, so of course they weren't going to work out. I see where I have moved from Resistance into Acceptance and life has flowed Much More Easily, and with a modicum of Grace. There are still places where I am experiencing Resistance in my life; there are good times to work on switching to Acceptance, and there are times when I need to let the Resistance have a say, and see what I am resisting, and why. I sorted out a lot in my mental closet today, and reaffirmed a few things, and saw how a few other things now make a whole lotta sense. (Perhaps I'll be a little less vague at a future time.)

I did have to do a bit of grocery shopping today, so I prodded Himself into action, and we stepped out (into a bit of rain) and got the most necessary things. The rest can abide for later in the week, when I have a bit more wiggle room in the account. I am, however, still in the positive, and that's the most important thing.

The rain let up, but is now falling again, light but steady. I no longer feel like I need to hibernate my way through the wet weather, as my Moontime has come to an end for this month. Granted, I didn't get much, if any, "practical work" done today, but sometimes the Inner Work needs to get done first, before the Outer Work can be tackled.

We will see what the morrow brings, besides more rain... ;)

Day 93: on having a slightly off day

I thought I had licked the ant problem last night. I was wrong. They were invading Himself's coffee maker today, and I found that they had invaded the electric part of my electric teakettle, meaning I wouldn't be able to get them out without flushing them out, which would ruin the kettle entirely. I had to toss the teakettle and go on a spraying and wiping rampage in the kitchen. I still don't know if Himself's coffee maker will be salvageable yet. Although I have removed ALL possible crumbs they might try to get their little antennae on, I can't tell where they're coming in, except that they seem to be behind the cupboards, or way in the back of them at the very least. :p

I wound up filling up one of my small pots and using it as an ersatz kettle to boil water in, both for my tea and for my oatmeal. Between losing my trusty electric kettle, rampaging all over the kitchen, and chatting online with a friend who is going through challenges halfway around the world, I didn't get a good start to the day, and I was a bit out of sorts the entire day. I also acknowledge 1) It's been something of a high-vibe week, that culminated in yesterday's birthday party, and 2) I haven't gotten as much sleep as I would have liked for the past few nights. So I've been a little tired all day. Let me just take a moment to accept that...

I did manage to get myself some tea and breakfast before tidying up the dining room table and taking out the trash. I read the parts of the Sunday paper I wanted to over dinner.

I also did a bit of an experiment: I have participated in a friend's "plan out your year" program for about four or five years, and have saved bits of the old books along the way. One of the activities in the program is to write a list of "100 things to do" during the year. I went through some of the old lists that I had to see what had been done in the time since I first filled out the lists, what could not be done anymore, and what I had yet to do. In gathering the yet-to-be-done things together, I found many of them were creative, arty projects that I had once intended to do, but inadvertently left behind (once I met my husband, and/or once everything began to go haywire). I found myself wondering if any of those forgotten projects could be brought forth and realized, so that's percolating in the back of my head. I came up with 63 things total, which would be a good foundation for a 2019 version of the list! I plan to return to the list later in the week.

It feels like I will be turning in once the Queen Mother is safely in bed, which is a good thing, as tomorrow is Himself's PET scan, and I will need to drive him home. I will be taking my mandala coloring book with me and starting a new mandala. If I'm fortunate, I'll be able to wash my hair before we need to hit the road.

Day 91: on ringing out the old

First, what happened today: Himself kicked off "Appointment Week" with a follow up appointment with the dietician. They discussed where he had made progress and where he still needed to do some work. He will follow up again in three months. We also straighened out a wee snag with his blood pressure medication (a version of which had been recalled recently). We got home a bit late, but everyone managed to have dinner before it was time for our weekly meetings.

Once home, I set to work finishing my Year in Review process, which turned out to be a YearS in Review, as the Dumpster Fire that was 2018 for me had its roots in earlier years. I saw how this process actually started back in 2014, and devoted a few days to write it all out, one day per year, and then a day to synthesize it all. I saw how I was still trying to recover from work stress (in 2014) and a miscarriage (in 2015) when Himself was diagnosed with colon cancer (in 2016) and then the Queen Mother had her blood clot adventure (in 2017). Looking at everything that way, of course 2018 was going to be a Dumpster Fire!

Several pieces of paper have been ripped to shreds and placed in a small brown paper bag, along with a couple of sage stems, ready to be burned. We are going to a friend's party tomorrow and she says she will have a fire for burning things, weather permitting! (I have a Plan B ready to go just in case.) 

As of tomorrow, I will be ready to move forward into the new year...

Day 85: on refilling my well

While Himself went down to San Diego for Moving Day, I chose to focus on my Inner Work today. I did some more therapeutic writing, clearing out old stagnant energy from the past; now I'm finally ready to review 2018! I also did a whole bunch of coloring on my Yuletide mandala, which I posted a little earlier over on Instagram. It felt good to focus on myself and put the Inner Work first, something I haven't always been successful in doing.

I also did some cooking for myself for dinner tonight, something I was getting into right before I met Himself. It turns out he was a cook in the Navy, and I acted as his sous chef after we got together. Our initial quest was a search for the perfect Palak Paneer, and I think we had just about nailed it when cancer raised its ugly head and put an end to our dual cooking adventures. 

Anyway - I cooked a cup of rice in our handy rice cooker. As that was going, I combined a can of pinto beans and a can of corn in a pot, and added half a box of tomato & red pepper soup, which covered the beans and the corn. I warmed that up on low heat, and took half a "log" of faux meat, crumbled it into a skillet, then browned it on medium heat, adding water as needed. The log said to use oil, but I really didn't want oil spattering everywhere and burning me, or making a big mess. When the rice was done, I combined the "meat" with the bean-corn-soup mixture, then scooped some of the rice into a bowl and covered it with a few ladle-fuls of the mock chili I had just made. This allowed me to combine the rest of the rice and the soup mix in one bowl to refrigerate for later. I ate the small bowl with some tortilla strips...delicious! (I should get 2-3 servings out of what I made tonight.) I'm going to be doing both black and white beans next time, and maybe a bit less soup, but I'm definitely making it again. :q

Himself has returned home with the news that the move from Point A to Point B is complete, and now only a bit of cleanup at the old place remains. He's also planning to rest and sleep in a bit tomorrow. I can't say as I blame him.

Our Sunday support group is tomorrow, a bit earlier than usual due to the holiday schedule. We're looking forward to going.