time apart + veteran's day

Last week Himself traveled up to Seattle. He managed to finagle his way home on Sunday instead of Monday. I stayed home with the Queen Mother, who is plateauing - not getting better, but not getting any worse either.

Last Thursday was the hardest. Though I tried to look on the positive side, I also allowed myself to feel the disappointment of not being able to go. I did manage to make it to the Caregiver Support Group that evening, and it was exactly what I needed. My check in was long overdue, and it was good to share and be affirmed and witness other's stories.

Friday I made it to my Recovery meeting. Though I was tempted not to go, I needed to ensure the door was open for any "newcomers." It turned out to be a good meeting as well.

I had plans for the weekend, but they dissolved as my Introversion grew stronger. In theory, I was "conserving gas," but in practice, I really didn't want to go out. I was feeling overwhelmed and wanting nothing more than to rest. I did get myself out the door on Sunday to grab some groceries, and of course I made it down to the airport that evening to pick up Himself and bring himbhome.

I am noticing that I need to push myself just a little, especially when it's just me and the Queen Mother, and Himself is running around. I am tending toward Not Doing Anything when I don't have to. I'm not sure whether this is recovering from Burnout or a new iteration of my Depression; most likely it's some combination thereof. There's a part of me that needs to get out and connect with friends, so I need to make a bit of an effort to get off of my duff and get myself out there, for my sanity.

With Himself at home, we were able to take advantage of yesterday's Veteran's Day bargains. He wound up getting free breakfast and dinner, and graciously paid for mine. It's not that I was taking the day for granted, but being on a shoestring budget, and wanting some We Time with my significant other, it behooved me to take advantage of the situation. I had some lovely leftovers this evening for dinner.

I will finish my catching up tomorrow, as I'm feeling complete now. 

Day 358: on mingling with folks

In the early afternoon, Himself and I made it to our Sunday Support group. I shared about my eye-opening week with the Queen Mother. She woke up to watch her football game (as a once and future Chargers fan) and was happy that they actually won.

Once we were finished, Himself stopped at a clothes store to get a new dress shirt to fit him, since he wasn't sure any of the others would fit. I also got some more hot dogs for the Queen Mother. Other things will abide for now, but come Tuesday we will need to do some serious grocery shopping. We ate dinner before heading out for the first services of Rosh Hashanah this evening. It was lovely to see familiar faces and meet new folks, and someone made a quinoa-tabbouleh salad that was absolutely divine. There was also the customary apple slices in cups of honey, and challah bread, along with several apple-flavored pastries.

Himself discovered some of his ties were on the floor when we came home. One moment, he was attempting to hang up his ties; the next moment there was a very loud cracking sound as the clothes rod on his half of the closet snapped in half. Yes, he has a lot of clothes! Some of these clothes are now hanging in the Queen Mother's closet, but most are now lying in a neat pile on his side of the closet. I would say we will also need to get a new clothes rod come Tuesday as well.

Monday will be an early day for us, as we will be attending the main Rosh Hashanah services that start at 9am. I set intention here that we will get there in a Timely Manner!

Day 351: on re-aligning

I made it to my friend Amalya's place for the celebration of the Equinox today. Yeah, I know the Equinox is actually tomorrow, but we tend to gather on the Sunday before the major Pagan holidays. 

It felt so good to be with my sisters again - even better now that I'm free of the circumstances that triggered my episodes of Depression. I had a few opportunities to share my good news. Appropriate that today was about balancing our Brightness with our Shadows. We had a bit of a meditation, then crafted masks that showed our "light" and "dark" sides. I will be taking a pic and posting it on Instagram tomorrow; I will see if I can post it here as well.

One off my sisters brought her dog with her to the circle. He's a small-ish dog, a mix of something and something else. (Sorry, I'm a cat person.) He has been known to waddle over and plop down under or beside someone who needs a little extra Blessing energy; today was my day to receive his Medicine. I joked that he was trying to get me to come over to the "Dog Side." ;)

The scatter-brained-ness I felt yesterday has dissipated. I feel ready to consider the question of Who I Am Now, since I have finally made it to the Other Side, this week as the moon goes Dark. Tomorrow is the first day of what is called "Libra Season," and it's my Natal Season as well. Mama's coming home once again. :-)

Day 348: on (pleasant) surprises

The Queen Mother's doctor's appointment was today, and she brought her list along. We were actually early for once, but didn't have to wait long. We updated Dr. M. with how she is doing, and the medications she was, and was not, taking. Then she shared her main concern about her memory, and how words were failing her. The worst part about her dementia is that she knows she is losing her mind, so to speak, and can't really do anything about it. :-(

Dr. M. asked her some questions based on the memory test he had at the office. Her long term memory was decent, but her short-term memory was shot. Finally, he saw what I have been seeing for a while! She now has an order in for bloodwork (which we will take care of Monday morning) and they are going to ask for an authorization for a CT scan from her insurance. Although there wasn't anything untoward in her brain two-ish years ago, that might have changed by now. We will have a better idea of what is going on after the CT scan.

While I was with the Queen Mother, Himself went and got a new bus pass, and loaded it up. This way, once mom was safely home, all I had to do was drop him off at our nearby transit stop, and he could take the Express Bus down to San Diego to get to his business meeting at the Alano Club this evening. This allowed me to keep the car and have dinner with the Queen Mother before driving down to my Caregiver Support Group. I was pleasantly surprised and so happy to be able to make it back, at last...and boy did I need it after today!

Once I was done, I drove down to San Diego to pick Himself up, have a bit of a supper with him, and then return home. His bus pass will come in handy for both of us, I am sure!

Tomorrow morning he will be leaving early to open up the Alano Club and "work" his shift behind the coffee bar. We are still considering our options for tomorrow evening: meetings or Selichot services at the synagogue? To Be Determined...

Day 338: on another wild finish

Today started out well enough, as Himself and I managed to make it to our Sunday Support group, and had some good sharing. For once, we didn't have to stop for groceries on our way home. I had a "comfort" dinner of mac-n-cheese with my usual salad this evening, as the last few days had been a bit hairy, with Himself's leg issues. His leg IS hurting a bit less than it was yesterday, which was a bit less than the day before, so it looks like the statin was indeed the culprit.

Then I discovered the Queen Mother's toilet had overflowed without my knowledge, because much of her bathroom floor was wet. (I grabbed some already dirty towels to soak the water up.) Then Himself came home and the car alarm kept going off - because he had forgotten to turn off the driver side interior light before he had gotten out of the car. (Sometimes the car is smarter than we are!) Then I had to make sure Inkblot hadn't escaped out the back door while we were trying to figure out what was up with the car (he had not). Then Himself needed a bit of a leg massage. Then the Queen Mother wanted her nighty ice cream.

Lots of little things added up to a bundle of frayed nerves and I needed to do one of my Three Minute Breathing exercises and be in the Calm and Quiet before I felt like I could post this entry and move on. Inkblot did his part to help his mom calm down by asking for some head scritches, which I happily gave him. He even walked over to sit upon Himself for some head scritches, but Daddy doesn't do as well as Mommy does. ;) 

Once again, I acknowledge that MUCH healing and realignment need to be done if I am to "function" again.

The week to come might or might not be busy, depending on how Himself's leg is doing. We shall see...

Day 324: on being accommodating

The Queen Mother was complaining this morning that her itchy red spots were getting worse, not better. Since we haven't changed shampoo, hand soap, dish soap, laundry soap, or anything along those lines, I looked the one thing that had changed: Inkblot choosing her bed as one of his new "favorite spots." So when we got back home, I washed her sheets and blankets, our sheets and blankets, sprayed her bed (with a spray that happens to target fleas), changed out her linens, and treated the cats for fleas as well. (Pippa hates me at the moment; Inkblot forgave me when I offered him some treats.) I shall see if this helps her itching issues; if not, we might have to revisit Urgent Care and/or her doctor's office.

Before the additional huswifery, Himself and I made it to our Sunday Support group, where we happily shared the news of our good fortune. One of the members brought some books to give away, and I took three of them, one non-fiction and two fiction. Neither of the fiction books is Science-Fiction, so I'm going to be broadening my horizons a little. One looks to be a rom-com along the lines of Crazy Rich Asians, the other a story of how a woman put her life back together post-divorce. I'll update everyone on how the reads go.

On our way home, we stopped at Walmart so I could get myself something I have been wanting for some time: a new teapot. I had an electric one for a long time, until late last year when it was invaded by ants. (I wonder sometimes if our condo wasn't built atop an anthill!) They got into the circuitry part of the kettle, so I had to throw it out. I have been making do with a smail sauce pot, but I would often have to wash it out before brewing my tea. Now I have an actual teapot dedicated to nothing but water for tea! It has been treated to produce lovely rainbow style colors on the outside, so I'm calling it my "Groovy Teapot." I'll see if my phone cooperates enough to take a picture of it so I can share it here tomorrow.

I arrive at the end of another day tired but very satisfied. I still have my Master Huswifery list, and there are things still to be checked off of it. I continue to work my way down it. :)

Day 312: on stepping it up

I got myself going and got the laundry in the washer just in time for Himself and I to drive down to Jewish Family Service in San Diego. Today was a 2-for-1, as I told the receptionist: not only were we going to visit the food pantry, but I was also going to speak with the coordinator for their Alzheimer's Disease Initiative. As far as we know, the Queen Mother does not have Alzheimer's, but their doors are open for other species of dementia as well, and she definitely qualifies there.

My goal was to get a fresh set of eyes to look at everything I had done, and had not been able to do, at this point. The Coordinator was very friendly and enthusiastic, and by the time we were finished with our brainstorming, I was satisfied in what I had been able to do thus far, and I also had a decent game plan for the next steps.

Then it was a visit to the Pantry, which was a bit picked over by the time we got there, but I was still able to find some treasures, and Himself got some chocolate macaroons for me. Though he can't eat them anymore, I still can. We will be scheduling our final run for the year (if not permanently) for November. 

Even with a bit of traffic to contend with, and even with a stop to pick up a few necessities at Trader Joe's, we got home right around 4pm today. The only problem was that Himself was going to have to do a quick turnaround if he wanted to get to his scheduled Club Board meeting at 6pm. We ran out of time to make an official run to the laundromat to dry the clothes, so I went old school and hung everything up. The amazing part is that everything is almost dry, so we should be okay come the morning. 

Tomorrow the appointments become medical in nature, with Himself going first. There is a decent gap between his appointments, so we'll see about filling that gap. :)  

Day 310: on feeling fine, finally!

Some long awaited reimbursement for travel to the Cardiac Rehab Center and back finally arrived in Himself's bank account, so we have a bit of breathing room. We took the opportunity to fill up the gas tank all the way and get an extra treat or two from the grocery.

We also made it back to our Sunday Support Group for the first time in a month, at least! I was happy to share some decent updates, and we received a gift of dry kibble for the cats. Several of the group members "own" cats, and one member's cat did not like this kibble. Since our cats already eat Fancy Feast, we were willing to give it a shot. 

The past few days have been filled with getting to know all about Guan Yin and Mother Mary, from sources both online (Wikipedia) and off (various books). I was inspired to retrieve a set of mala beads and am now "counting prayers" as I have been directed to do in one of my several visions. My project is bearing fruit in my Spirit, as my anxiety and stress levels have been dropping considerably in the past few days...that and being able to Relax at deeper levels than I've previously been able to. 

Tomorrow will kick off a full week, so I'm grateful for the opportunity to rest this weekend. :)

Day 294: on ending with hope

Before my official Tea and Morning Pages time, I got a call back from the folks who are already helping us, Jewish Family Services, this time from the woman who helps with Alzheimer's - and other dementia - patients and their families. We had a good conversation and did a bit of brainstorming over the phone. I have an appointment to see her next month, and some "homework" to do in the meantime. Though nothing she suggested might actually play out, speaking with her this morning gave me an infusion of Hope. I updated my to-do lists and actually have some action steps to take next week.

The rest of the day was fairly calm...a quick grocery run to fortify us through the weekend, Himself departing for San Diego, making dinner for the Queen Mother, then myself. I napped briefly afterwards, and have kept it low-key this evening.

Himself is not doing well with the heat, and this is the second time he has put off a Cardiac session until later due to his sinus headache. He has to be careful, lest it bloom into a migrane. I'm considering a trip to SDG&E, or a phone call at the very least, to see if his cardiac issues (for which he needs to run the air conditioning more) might qualify us for a further discount. I'm already dreading the electric bill for this month.

We might work out tomorrow, we might not. It will depend on how Himself feels.

Day 282: on trying to catch my breath

Himself felt better after sleeping off most of most of his migrane, and talked me into visiting our Sunday Support Group. We were later than usual, but we made it, and it did feel good to check in and be witnessed.

Afterwards, we did some grocery shopping today so we wouldn't have to worry about running around tomorrow, post Cardiac session. There are still a few things I will need to get, but not too much.

I have felt very Heavy much of the day. At one point I realized that I was missing the life that I had before Himself's cancer experience, before the unraveling of the Queen Mother's mind. Though I cried most of my tears yesterday, I found a few more today, and let them flow. 

Right now my main concern is to figure out what, if anything, is going on with the Queen Mother. Second to that is to get the All Clear for another three months from Himself's oncologist. These are the things I am going to focus on this week, and whatever else I can get done will be a bonus. 

Back to the grind tomorrow...

Day 272: on celebrating inTERdependence

Today I made some deliberate choices...
I chose to log out of Social Media, and will stay logged out for the rest of the month. I don't have the bandwidth right now to witness the struggles and the conflicts - and with communications only getting worse before they get better, I'm going to let the slings and arrows fly very far away from me.

I chose instead to seek out Joy in Fellowship, in being out in Fresh Air and Sunshine, surrounded by other human beings doing the best they can, one day at a time, and also choosing every day to make a solid change in their lives.

Although earlier in the day I was anxious about making it On Time, I chose later to let go of a strict timeline, and found things flowing easier as a result. (I am also choosing to take this anxiety to the altar of the Goddess and hand it over one more time.)

In the evening, Himself and I chose to be with a smaller circle of friends to eat pizza and watch fireworks. I chose to observe their beauty, and was amused when a few close booms kept setting off the alarm on a nearby truck. I chose to be in awe of the New Moon as she set in the sky in the west, just before the light show began.

Big and small, I have awesome Families of Choice, people I have grown to care for, and who have grown to care for me in return. People who ask me how the Queen Mother is doing; people who commiserate with us when we share our latest news.

Tomorrow will be a brief return to the business at hand before the (rest of the) weekend unfolds. Today I chose to step out of my routine, and I am full*filled and happy. :)

Day 263: on doing just enough

Today I woke up feeling a bit behind the 8-ball, which is more along the lines of how I expect to feel when I am in my Moontime. I still managed to pull myself together enough to help the Queen Mother take her weekly shower, then take my own shower and wash my hair (which badly needed it). While mom was showering, Himself went to his latest chiropractic appointment. Once everything was squared away, we went down to Jewish Family Services to hit up their Corner Market, aka the food pantry.

There was a lot of yummy vegetarian and vegan food present today; I tried very hard not to overload my cart, keeping my eyes in line with my stomach. I have enough now to make tasty salads to go along with my dinners, along with some bread to satisfy both Himself and myself. My one indulgence this time was a large squeezable jar of sweet pickle relish. What can I say, I miss pickles! We did pretty well, though at times I felt a bit rushed. I wanted to slow down a bit more and make sure I was making good choices. 

Afterward, I used the last of my cash to grab a few cans of cat food, and Himself used some cash out of his "electronic wallet" to grab a few shaving essentials - stuff that the food pantry does not carry. By the time we were all done, it was about 3:45pm, and there were accidents on the northbound I-15. Needless to say, we were a bit delayed arriving home. I called the Queen Mother to warn her beforehand.

Towards the end of the week we are expecting some more help, and I am hoping that between that and this latest pantry run, that will be the LAST of the help we need. If Himself's attorney is right, sometime between now and the end of August he should receive a judgment in his case, and we will see just how much cash he gets. Keeping our fingers crossed...

Depending on how fast I am flowing tomorrow, I might or might not go with Himself to his rehab appointment. If I don't, it will back to the pile of paperwork patiently waiting for me. Whatever else happens, I will be getting some good sleep tonight.

Day 261: on the calm before the storm

I am entering the Moontime this evening, and all indications are that it's going to be a doozy. What has been surfacing from the depths for me has been waves of Overwhelm ~ Too Much ~ Can't Do It All Anymore ~ Bone Deep Fatigue. For this next week at least, I truly need to Go Small, Micromove, focus on doing just One Thing, One Day at a Time.

I won't be going with Himself tomorrow to his Cardiac Rehab session; I will be fortunate to be out of bed for more than an hour at a stretch, methinks. It feels like a good time to tie off some loose ends for Shadow-Work, if I can avoid getting mired in the swamp of Stinking Thinking. 

I did go yesterday to the Rehab session, which was a bit shorter than before, with Himself's body putting up more of a fuss. We did get some good work in, though. Then he surprised me with a trip over to the beach for a little ocean time. It was most appreciated.

Today I managed to pull myself together, by degrees, and we made it back to the Support Group that comes together on Sundays, for the first time this month. We had a new person join us, who fit right in nicely. I shared primarily about our fumigation adventure, between helping the Queen Mother and how the cats fared (not well, but not horribly either). We shared longer than usual today, so were a bit later coming home than I had planned, but we got home in plenty of time for dinner.

I managed to get back into the mandalas tonight, continuing on one while starting another for the Solstice. I'm running a bit behind, true, but I plan on finishing by the end of the week, so I'll be timely enough.

Let the Red River rafting begin! 

Day 257: on mixing and (minor) miracles

We started the day early with a run to our local recycling center to turn in Himself's fizzy flavored water bottles. I gave the cashier three pennies so she could give me eleven dollars; not bad for a full bin and two bags! This provided some much needed cash for later grocery shopping.

From there, we went down to the VA Medical Center to participate in their Cancer Survivor Mixer, complete with information tables, a snack bar, and some nice swag for the veterans. Since I journal a lot, I'm always on the lookout for pens, and I like the ones that have a rubber grip to them, as I tend to grip my pens quite firmly. I scored a couple of them today.

Himself had an opportunity to say hello to some of the doctors, nurses, and techs who we had met at the start of his cancer experience, but the most opportune meeting with with the Social Worker. She gave us a list of resources to look through (including some key Financial ones) and advised Himself to be re-evaluated for Aid and Attendance - a monthly stipend for Veterans to hire someone to help care for them. In this case, I would be the Paid Caregiver. We have some new leads to research! :)

Once the mixer was over, we went to his eye appointment. We were there at least an hour before we were actually seen, as the joint was apparently jumping quite a bit. He did not want to get his pupils dilated, as he was complaining of a bit of sinus pressure behind his eyes, and he was concerned that if he went through with the dilation, the extra light would trigger a migraine. So we scheduled a follow-up appointment in September. A relatively quick trip to the Pharmacy followed, to collect some new moisturizing eye drops, as Himself's eyes were diagnosed as "very dry" (using the scientific term) ;)

As it became apparent that he would not have time to work out at the Cardiac Treatment Center today, since it was after three when we were finally done, and we had to consider traffic, we chose to go home instead. We made a couple of stops en route, at Target (for the Queen Mother's hot dogs) and Trader Joe's (for other necessities). I chose to use food we had been saving at home over buying more at TJ's, so the actual total was a wee bit less than I had calculated. Yay me.

Everyone was rather hungry by the time we got home, so the getting of the cat food was postponed till after dinner, which was okay. I was not able to find all of the flavors they liked, which would have ordinarily bummed me out, but today was actually a good thing, for again, I spent less money than expected. Yay me.

Tomorrow Himself has an appointment with the Cardiac Center's dietician, to see if he can get advice on what to eat as a semicolon, aka someone who had a great deal of his colon removed due to cancer. There is also a Caregiver Support Group  in the evening, and damn skippy I will be attending!

It occurred to me earlier this evening: slowly but surely, I am working my way out of the rut once more and inching my way forward. Things are ever so slightly lighter than they were even at the start of the month. To quote a bit of literature that I read on the daily: "Slowly, new persons emerge. Change is Taking Place."

Day 245: on calming down

Today Himself and I went out to get a new cat carrier. Though the original plan was to get one more Inkblot-sized, we got one that was nicely Pippa-sized. If I have learned one thing through this whole process, it's to take advantage of the resources offered to us and not to quibble too much about specifics. Flexibility is key!

While we were out, we stopped by the motel and managed to check out one of the suites: it's big enough for the three of us, has decent privacy, and has a sofa bed at the perfect height for the Queen Mother. There is a Mexican restaurant a dozen or so steps away, and the motel also offers its own free hot breakfast daily. Nice!

The one downside is that they don't accommodate pets, but no worries there either: we have combined Plans A and B, wherein a good friend will cover the boarding of the cats at a Petsmart in town. They asked us lovely questions: would you like us to feed them with your food or our food? Would they like some fresh catnip toys? (Our food and some catnip toys, please and thank you. Inkblot tends to rip the toys apart, as catnip makes him a wee bit too excited.) They won't be happy away from us, but at least they will have a boutique experience, and a can of people tuna awaiting them when we're all reunited at home. ;)

We're feeling much better about everything after checking out the motel for ourselves, and with everything covered, can now focus on the bagging of the food we won't be taking with us (as the fridge in the suite is very small) and the trimming of the bouganvillea. 

I am noticing the handiwork of Goddess in all of this, making sure every piece of the puzzle has come together smoothly, even if the pieces didn't look like I expected them to. I am also noticing that I am still easily frazzled and thrown off-stride. Though I can recover quicker these days than I could in the past, I am still hoping for/desiring some Extended Downtime in the near future.

Tomorrow I will be refocusing on the homestead, as Himself tends to his business in San Diego. It's a bit of a bummer that he won't be around, but it can't be helped.

Day 226: on rainy day activities

The rain was falling when we got up this morning. Needless to say, Inkblot wasn't happy. He started in on his "protest nap" before we left for our Sunday Support Group.

Himself and I arrived at the group at a reasonable time this time, and we managed to hear everyone sharing. I want to tell everyone I meet to write a letter to their Higher Power! I'm not quite as serene as I was on Friday, but I'm still feeling Lighter.

As we finished group, it started raining again, so I quickly reviewed my mental shopping list and determined we could grab groceries tomorrow, so we headed home instead. Wouldn't you know that the rain became just a little heavier the moment we stepped out of the car!

I finally talked myself into doing a bit of cooking for dinner, so I took a can of lentil soup, added some pinto beans and half a can of corn, then added it to some of our rice for another round of my "Iron Stew." I have been advised in the past that I have a tendency towards Iron deficiency, and as I'm expecting to enter my Moontime within the next day or two, I thought I would eat some iron-rich food to bolster my blood.

I find myself returning to my Step-Work these days, and have picked up where I left off. I have my own Recovery Program I am working. I started this particular set of steps in November 2017, then went way off course; the time finally felt right to pick up and continue on.

Tomorrow we have someone coming in to see if indeed we have a dreaded Slab Leak in the house, and what steps need to be taken next. There is also the matter of asking the pest control company that is in charge of the fumigation about their chemicals. So I'll be jumping back in with both feet, but not completely in the deep end. I'm going to remember: Easy Does It. :)

Day 223: on consciously slowing down

Today was a good day to put my brain in the fridge and chill out. I made a choice to put business to the side and allow my mind to empty out and stay empty; for the most part, I was successful. I finished coloring in my most recent mandala, and started to read a new to me book.

I did have to proofread a letter Himself had written, and help the Queen Mother to sort through her shoes (She's down to two pairs now). I also had to return a call from her doctor's office, to find out her Vitamin D levels are a bit low, and her cholesterol levels are a bit high, so we need to make a few tweaks to her diet. Whether she will go along with said tweaks is to be determined.

Mom received her DVT diagnosis, and began this journey in earnest, just before Himself finished chemotherapy. When he had his heart attack a week and a half ago, I started waiting for "the other shoe to drop" in regards to mom. If this is the worst that is going to happen, I will gladly accept it!

I made it to my caregiver support group this evening. Two new caregivers showed up, one who had just connected with SCRC, and one who was possibly looking to connect. It was good to share and to listen, to be with people who Get It, and won't look at you cross-eyed when you go into detail about how crazy your odyssey has been.

I feel refreshed today, enough to tackle some of the business waiting on me tomorrow. Himself was doing his part of the legwork today, so perhaps tomorrow will be his day off. Doubtful, though - just before he was admitted into the hospital, we received word that the fumigation is back on, for the middle of next month, so we need to see if we can take care of that.

Once I'm past Friday, I can put my brain back into the fridge and chill some more. :)

Day 219: on a day for mothers

Made our Sunday Support group today. Himself was in the spotlight, as he updated our friends on his Cardiac Adventure this past week. We will be going to the Cardiology department tomorrow, and I have a list of questions to ask them.

On the way back, we stopped at Trader Joes for some shopping, and to pick up a Mother's Day treat for the Queen Mother. We settled on a six-pack of chocolate mousse cakes with white and yellow icing. The Queen Mother will have them tonight for her dessert/last snack of the day. I also managed to get the trash out, so the weekend list is successfully completed.

This year I was pretty neutral for Mother's Day. What makes that remarkable: I had a miscarriage in 2015. The pregnancy was a surprise; the miscarriage, not so much. I had no idea what to FEEL on Mother's Day that year. With 2016 the year of Himself's cancer adventure, and 2017 the year that the Queen Mother's Dementia journey started, I really didn't have time to process anything.

Come 2018, and nothing else to occupy my attention, I fell apart on Mother's Day, and wound up doing a ton of processing. I came away with a greater sense of Inner Peace, something I had previously been missing. I wound up writing a letter to the child I knew for only a short period of time, and was able to let that go on some deeper levels. This year, I find myself still in that place of peace, for which I am grateful.

It will be an early night tonight, so let me end here and grab my to-do lists for this upcoming week.

Day 185: on remembering...

Today I remembered to Receive. My bestie on the east coast saw Himself's Facebook posting about our dishwasher blues and offered to help out. Today we received the money she sent us. We went over to Lowe's to score a new dishwasher, only to find that they were out of stock of the one we paid for! So I also get to remember Patience as we wait a little longer for the dishwasher to be delivered and installed.

Today I remembered to call my bestie and thank her for her assistance. :)

Today I remembered what nice warm summery days felt like. It's not summer quite yet, but this felt like a gorgeous early-to-mid summer day. Hopefully when more of these days arrive, I can take full advantage of them, and not just enjoy them piecemeal while I'm out running errands.

Today I remembered to sort through the mail. I wound up recycling nearly half of it in the form of discarded envelopes, forms I no longer needed to keep - anything with confidential information on it got placed in the Shredding pile - and gratuitous inserts. Some of it I will consider more deeply later, and some of it I placed in the Appointment pile (to keep track of Himself's appointments at the VA Medical Center) on the dining room table.

Today I remembered to get some legal sized envelopes. I found a small package of them for only a couple of dollars at Staples, so I was happy that I didn't have to buy an entire box of them. I was able to mail out my tax returns today.

Today I received a gentle reminder that I needed to turn in MY Medi-Cal forms for my annual evaluation. I will see if I can get completed and turned in this week.

Tonight Himself and I remembered to walk. We did a lap around the complex. His nerves weren't happy when we were done. He remembered to see if he could get an earlier appointment with his neurologist, but that's yet to be determined. In the meantime, we have some more mysteries to ponder.

Tomorrow I will see if I can remember to attend the new caregiver support group that is starting in Vista, which is closer than the ones down in San Diego are. Getting back to having a support group to go to weekly feels like a good move.

I am beginning to remember a little thing called Hope. I throw open the windows of my mind to allow her to return.

Day 181: on taking strides forward

There are times when I wake up in the morning and can't return to sleep: when it's an a-ha! or when it's an oh no! Today it was one of the former moments, for I thought I had found a solution to my overarching problem of showing when the Queen Mother first was certified as Disabled: perhaps the Auto Insurance policy that we had once been on together could be traced back far enough to show her as a disabled driver! I called my company this morning, and would later stop by in person in the early afternoon.

Both times, though, I wound up a little disappointed: after I called in the morning, I received an email with some records attached. They didn't go back quite as far as I had requested, and even if they had, the cars were listed by their VIN numbers instead of by the license plates, which wouldn't prove anything. As for the office visit, the Queen Mother had apparently been a non-driver for so long, that she was no longer in their system. Whereas I might have had a meltdown in the past, today I took these (non) developments in stride. I had nothing to lose by asking.

After visiting the auto insurance company, Himself and I stopped by Trader Joes to grab groceries. Inkblot "helped" me with some recycling when I got home. I had the main meal of my day a little earlier than usual, so I was able to finish up everything in plenty of time to make it to my Caregiver Support Group. It was a small group tonight, but it was good to be among my main peeps. Himself and I then went to one of his meetings, and it was good to see some familiar faces.

Once we got home, Himself wanted to take a walk around the condo complex (where we live) to get back on the exercise bandwagon, and partly to help break in his new boots, which he purchased to get better support for his feet. They turned out to support his feet just fine, but other parts of his body chimed in their displeasure with actually moving and walking. My lower back has been acting up a bit, and I still walked faster than he did! We stopped to get the mail (the mailboxes are at the back of the complex), and once or twice more, but we made it back home. I'm hoping Himself makes this a regular part of our routine, as I generally like walking, and it helps me clear out my mind when everything is running riot.

We might or might not have plans for tomorrow during the day, so I will be playing it by ear once again.