productivity

As San Diego county proceeds cautiously with emerging from significant shutdown, I have been experiencing bouts of productivity, especially over this past week. The momentum I have been building up with my writing is starting to spill over into other areas of my life. I have helped Himself with cleaning up our bathroom, worked on cleaning the Queen Mother's bathroom, doing some hand-washing of summer dresses (as it promises to be a hot one this year), and sorting through various bills and receipts. Add this to the usual working on dishes and keeping the recycling corner in decent order, and I'm finally starting to feel a bit more like my old self.

I'm also pleased to say that I managed to make some phone calls today that I've been needing to make for a while. I am going to touch base with my case manager at the Southern Caregiver Resource Center to see if he can think of any transportaion options Himself and I haven't found yet for the Queen Mother. I also got some details on arranging a food donation to Jewish Family Services. They were a huge help to us in the lean days, and now we can start paying them back. I plan to send a couple of bags of food from our "pantry" with Himself sometime this week for him to drop off.

Our eye doctor has recently said they are resuming more normal business hours and appointments. I last saw them in March, just as the pandemic craziness was getting off the ground, and subsequently received my first pair of "Mature Woman's Glasses," aka bifocals, at the start of April. I love the lenses, but the glasses themselves don't fit quite right. Now I can go in and get them adjusted, which I will be doing on
Wednesday.

I have noticed that it's much easier to me to stay reasonably sane by staying away from all Social Media and turning my phone on only when I need to, like when Himself leaves to take care of Club business. (He takes all appropriate precautions when he goies out, so no worries there.) If you've been missing me, it's nothing personal. I just prefer to save the drama for the Dalai Lama's mama. ;)

One random thing before I sign off: the volume of mail has gone way down during the pandemic. There have even been days when there hasn't been any mail in our box at all. I must say, even though it's felt a little weird, I haven't missed the half ton of gratuitious ads clogging the mailbox one bit.

That will do it for the moment. Remember, may the odds be ever in your favor!

Day 326: on picking and choosing

I still have a list of items of huswifery to do, but many items on the list have been checked off. Today was less of a push-to-get-it-done day, and more of a do-what-strikes-my-fancy day. My lower back appreciated the slower pace.

We tried the new fancy water stand today, testing out the hot water portion. Himself and I agree that it's fabulous, and will make it much easier to do Tea and Morning Pages on a regular basis. (Yes, sometimes I skip this ritual because I don't think I have enough time to do it in the mornings!) True to form, the Queen Mother didn't like the new stand, claiming the hot water for her tea wasn't hot enough (?!) So she will stick with her routine and we will shift ours, just a little. 

Since it was majority rules, we took the old jug and stand back to Palomar Water's main office. When I received their bill earlier this month, I discovered we were actually "renting" the jug for $5 per month! As we no longer need to have the jug, why continue to pay for it? We won't be paying a monthly charge for our new stand, so that's a savings right there.

I continued to putter about in the kitchen: emptying out the dishwasher, cleaning up spoons we use exclusively for cat food, sweeping the kitchen floor. Minor things on the surface, but when one has suffered for months on end with near-debilitating Depression, as I have, these "minor things" build upon themselves, to end up (hopefully sooner than later) with a clean-ish house. I want to keep the momentum going now!

I rounded out the doings of the day with changing out a light bulb in the Queen Mother's bathroom. SDG&E gave us a whole bunch of the fancy fluorescent light bulbs once upon a time; they might be great for the electric bill, but they're horrible for the environment, because they leave traces of mercury behind when they're done. Word to the wise: don't use these kind of bulbs in any lamp or light fixture with a dimmer switch. They don't like the fluctuating energy levels and will burn out very quickly, as I found when I was trying to find a light bulb that would light up! (Use LED bulbs instead. They can handle the fluctuations and last almost forever.)

Tomorrow my focus shifts outward as Himself makes another attempt to make it to the Cardiac Rehab center, and I make another attempt to go with him. He has an appointment with the VA Pain Clinic for a follow up afterwards, so I will have an opportunity to go frolic in Jaguar Weather. I'm debating right now whether or not to try for the beach this weekend. On the one hand, we will have the resources to cover a trip; on the other, it will be Labor Day Weekend, so there will be traffic and crowds. Ugh. Choices, choices...

Day 323: on diving in

Today was a good day for huswifery. :)

I got the laundry done, dried, and put away. The dishwasher is taking care of our dishes as I type. I helped Himself with recycling, and finally got the glass bin in our patio emptied out. I took a couple of bags of our miscellaneous recycling out to the bins closest to our unit in the complex; they were mostly empty, which was very good. Sometimes the weekends are when they fill up the fastest. I also got very brave and tackled cleaning out the Queen Mother's commode. It's going to be a multi-day project, but even there I made some headway.

Himself and I also paid a visit to Target while the laundry was being washed. I needed to make an exchange of items first. I had asked Himself to grab some things from Target yesterday, and he got some dish soap when I had asked him for dishwasher detergent. They are two different things, and I really didn't want a foamy mess coming out of the dishwasher midway through its cycle. I showed him the difference in the store. I also found what looked like the last spray bottle in the store. Now that I have it, the ants had better run for their little lives! (The last one broke while I was using it, and I didn't have a replacement immediately handy.)

The Queen Mother herself continues to micromove her way through the days. She can be rather grumpy when she first wakes up, especially if her nausea is present. She has taken mid-day naps, which sometimes help, and sometimes don't. Once she has dinner, though, I see signs of improvement, and she seems to be better in the evenings. I continue to play it by ear.

Tomorrow will feature more Huswifery, for there is still recycling that needs to be carried back into the patio, and trash to be gathered and carted away. Himself and I are also going to attend our Sunday Support group, provided the Queen Mother isn't feeling too blah in the morning...

Day 322: on arriving at a pivot point

Stayed home again this evening, as the Queen Mother woke up nauseous and in a foul mood this morning. Her mood improved after I cleaned up in the kitchen, but the nausea lingered. I have a feeling that my ability to get out of the house for long stretches of time is going to be compromised, unless and until I can find someone to come and keep an eye on her. I will be getting in touch with my agent at the Southern California Resource Center to explore my options. My best guess is that her gallstones are not behaving and are causing her discomfort. Question is, would surgery at the age of 77 be worth it?

Another thing to think about is whether or not she could receive an injection for her osteoporosis. Her doctor's office called today and presented this option. If I recall correctly, she would only have to receive the injection twice a year, and it would be better than taking pills. I will be looking into this over the weekend and discussing this with mom to see what she wants to do. 

Tomorrow will be a deep dive into Huswifery, as I shake off some of the lethargy I've been inching my way through and bringing some much needed order to the bits of chaos around the house!

Day 277: on staying atop the waves

This morning, instead of doing the Morning Pages, I played a game called "Sorting Through the Queen Mother's Medical Records." In this second run-through, I actually found a handful of records from 2002-2003, so I took these with me to her appointment.

I was very proud of her when she spoke up and said directly to Dr. M. that she was experiencing nausea; I chimed in and said that her "episodes" were becoming more frequent and more intense. When Dr. M. pressed upon the left side of her abdomen, she admitted to feeling some pain. He then wanted her to get some blood drawn for labs and for us to schedule an ultrasound for her stomach and liver. We went around the corner to visit the "vampires" of Labcorp; fortunately, the Queen Mother tolerated their air conditioning better this time around, partly because we weren't stuck there for an hour! Once her blood had been drawn, we went down to Radiology to schedule her ultrasound. Dr. M. also wanted a Bone Density test next month; I lucked out and managed to schedule both appointments on the same day. In the meantime, she was given an antinausea medication to take as needed.

Before we left the doctor's office, I mentioned to him my challenge in getting the Queen Mother registered in the Working Disabled Program, and showed him the documents I had found. Although she didn't start seeing Dr. M. until 2005, he had his internship under the doctor she was seeing at that time. At any rate, not only did he advise me which of the documents would be helpful, I ALSO got a letter from him supporting our cause. I don't think Dr. M's letter will be sufficient in and of itself, but I can include an affidavit from me, along with a few other records I've been told would be useful. Now I just have to get it all pulled together and pay a visit to the County Office!

At any rate, when the Queen Mother's current appointment was finished and her future appointments were set, Himself and I took her home, then went to pay the bills I was going to pay yesterday, but wasn't able to till today. Between some road construction on the main thoroughfare, and an accident on the Southbound 15, traffic was a hairy mess. Nevertheless, the bills got paid, and we swung by Trader Joe's to grab some quick dinner. 

Once my dinner was finished, I joined the Queen Mother at the dining room table in eating. She had been asking me to eat with her more often; today I was able to do that. I've spent the rest of the evening putting the her medical records we have received in chronological order. I don't know if I'll be using anything else that we have, but at least we have it. 

The pace will slow a bit tomorrow, as Himself "only" has a Cardiac session scheduled. I might get around to some of the phone calls I need to make tomorrow; if I don't, there's always Thursday, which has nothing scheduled at the moment. :)

Day 224: on finishing strong

I rose to the occasion today, making some of my necessary phone calls, finding a new lead or two, and keeping some balls rolling. I washed my hair (which is one of my new barometers for a successful day), got some groceries, and hit up my/our weekly meetings. I handled today Like a Boss.

My renewed vigor was partly the result of the chillaxing day I had yesterday, and partly a suggestion that I followed: Write a Letter to (Your Higher Power). Between writing that letter, reading it aloud, and the meditation I was inspired to do afterwards, I had a significant Come to Mama moment. I experienced a profound Reconnection, and woke up today feeling more grounded and centered than I have in quite a while.

The second part of the suggestion is to take a quiet contemplative walk. I think I can manage that tomorrow, before the next round of rain moves in. The trick might be to get away for a few moments By Myself! I'll see what I can do.

Suddenly Life doesn't seem quite so Heavy, so I'll go with this Flow for now. :) 

Day 187: on realizing...

For someone who said she was a "poor" multitasker these days, I think I did a pretty good job today, weaving various threads of cleaning together to make up a nice little tapestry of huswifery.

I didn't do several things at once, but used momentum to flow along from one task to another: washing a load of laundry, taking some recycling out to the main bins, taking some more recycling out to our personal bins, clearing out the trash from the bathrooms, cleaning the Queen Mother's toilet, sweeping the walls clear of cobwebs, and bringing a little more order to our recycling station. 

I paced myself between tasks, taking breaks when I started to feel overwhelmed (from the Queen Mother's "helpful input"), and finding the wherewithal to do a little more. 

As I cleaned, it occurred to me that mom and I might be seeing two completely different houses: where I see some clutter here and there between significant clear spaces, it's entirely possible that she sees the clutter first and foremost, and that's what takes up the most space in her perspective. This is something good to keep in mind - not to blow off cleaning altogether, but to realize her perspective is way different from mine, so when she starts up on one of her rants, I can choose NOT to Take It Personally, and make notes of what bothers her, and possibly take action on those notes.

As we head toward sunset on the West Coast, I am in my "happy place": with the Himalayan Salt Candle holding a tealight flickering away, Pandora streaming some relaxing music, and Pippa napping beside me in a ridiculously adorable pose. I feel like coloring a new mandala in, so I will pick one out, grab my pencils, and go to work. :)

Day 160: on some (more) good adulting

First up today was Inkblot's vet appointment. The good news: he got his drain tube removed. The bad news: he still has some sutures in place, so he will need to wear his cone for one more week. No one is happy about that, least of all him.

Once we got back, I had a late breakfast, then "stood guard" for the Queen Mother while she showered. She said she felt much better today, so that's good. I'm toying with the idea to build in a bit of "downtime" while Himself and/or I am running around taking care of errands, and on days when we don't have to do anything, staying with mom to keep her company. Once we get the money flowing once again, then we can bring in someone once or twice a week so I can get some much needed Respite. I feel (today) like I'm willing to do that.

Speaking of money, today I made several phone calls to work a little more magic to feed the wolves at the door, and they worked. Everyone was willing to work with me. I also found that I could resubmit the form to mom's doctor's office, and they would be willing to dig further back into her records, so I will get that ball rolling post haste.

One appointment tomorrow, in Oceanside, and then we will be free to consider when the best time will be to stop by the beach over the weekend, as the weather will be lovely, and I could definitely use some Doin Nothin by the Ocean! :)

Day 141: on turbulence

Definitely a mixed emotional bag today. I took care of my monthly conference call, then settled into breakfast proper. I went back to the Morning Pages as I continued my process of detangling my thoughts. I checked in briefly with my East Coast bestie, who has been going through as much physically as I have emotionally over these past few years, and also seems to be on the steady road of improvement.

I started reorganizing at the foot of the bed, as I had intended to do. I also swept some floors (in the kitchen and mom's bathroom) while Himself followed up with mopping. The floors look much nicer now. I should have felt good, and I did - but every time I felt I was getting ahead, I would feel like I was falling behind and failing miserably in the next moment. The Tired is definitely catching up with me. 

We managed to get a little grocery shopping in today, but I wasn't able to get everything I needed. That and the fact that the Queen Mother doesn't like the frozen chicken strips I got for her the other day, and would prefer the fresh strips from Trader Joe's instead - except we didn't have quite enough money to get the fresh chicken today, and will have to wait until Monday. 

I try to remember it's partly her dementia, and partly being set in her ways. I still wind up taking her opinions way too personally, and if I allow myself, can jump down that rabbit hole of Not Good Enough really quickly. Today I allowed myself some comfort food and finished off my reorganizing efforts. Then I could allow myself to feel better. 

Himself and I are still debating about everything we're going to do tomorrow. I think I'm going to take a decluttering break until Monday, then figure out where I going to start picking up next.

Day 137: on multi-level cleaning

I managed to turn around my mood last night when I chose to dive back into my writing, something I managed not to do over the weekend. I didn't wind up writing a whole lot, but it inspired me to do a little research over on Wikipedia, which is one of my best friends. The data available there was simply not present some fifteen-odd years ago, when I first came up with the idea for this story. Totally inspired, with my inner learning geek satisfied, I went to bed in a much better mindset than I had when I got up in the morning - which had been an improvement over the day before.

With another good night's sleep under my belt, and a bright sunny sky, I took another incremental step forward up the mountain. We all took showers today, a total Shower-palooza, and in the middle of it all, the nail on the second toe of my left foot, the one that's looked a little funky for quite a while, and the one that I did a number on last month, finally fell off. I got the chance to see what a toe looks like under its nail, and I saw there was already a wee toenail growing in to replace the nasty gnarly one. Whether it grows back all the way remains to be seen. In the meantime, I have a cute Hello Kitty bandaid on it, and I will for a few more days, to keep it protected.

We had to go out to get some more cat food today, and I was about ready to put the huswifery aside and not worry about it, simply because I was going to have to leave the house! Then I talked some sense into myself, and tidied up the top of the main dresser in our room, and picked up trash on that side of the room. Another small project that makes me feel worlds better. 

Now I have one cat upset that he can't go outside, but the temperatures are getting close to freezing tonight, and sometimes mom has to be more sensible than the furry adopted offspring. The rain is supposed to come back tomorrow evening, then last until Friday, so it will continue to be cold and, just maybe, a tiny bit of snow might fall in the wee hours, as the temperature is supposed to be just about freezing Thursday night. The last time it snowed in my neck of the woods was in 1969 - two years before I was born! You know you live in SoCal when possible snow is a source of excitement, instead of dread. ;)

Before the rain returns, there is trash and recycling to be taken out to their respective dumpsters, and I will see how part three of Huswifery unfolds...

Day 130: on returning to fiction

I have felt a return to writing fiction bubbling below the surface for the past few months. I have even gone back to a story I had previously written and done some editing on it. Yesterday, though, the pot finally boiled over, and I called up Word on my tablet, and began to write fiction again. I. am. writing. fiction. again.

I would say that this would be a bit of a departure from the past, but thinking about it a bit more, that's not true. I am equally comfortable writing longhand with a pen on paper or typing words onto a blank screen. Overall, I might have done more of the former kind of writing, as I have easily half a dozen steno pads (the smaller notebooks bound at the top that are used for taking shorthand) that are full of notes, snippets, and short stories. I also write my Morning Pages in longhand on loose leaf paper held together in a large blue three ring binder. However, in my college years, and for a time afterward, I wrote stories directly into a word processor or computer, so I can't really say I prefer one modality over the other.

I have no target number of words or pages in mind, nor can I say for certain that this material will ever see the light of day. It would definitely need to be researched for accuracy in the details, but I can worry about that later. I'm writing the "origin stories" of a pair of characters that arose for me at least ten years ago, if not more, in what would be an "historical fiction" story, should I choose to pursue it. It's not fantasy, as I don't envision those traditional tropes - mythical beasties, magick, hidden realms - popping up in the story, but it definitely isn't science fiction either, which is what I have written since I was in my teens. So it's a good exercise in stretching ye olde writing wings.

Right now I am delighted that I have been returning to older, familiar ways of Creating that I have done in the past (fiction writing, collage). I am throwing back the storm doors that were locked during the turbulent years and bringing out aspects of myself that had taken cover during the worst of my mental and emotional turbulence. There is still some rough ground to cover before the end of this part of the odyssey, but I am recovering some bits of myself that I had feared I had lost, and it feels very good, on this day. :)

Day 68: on feeling supported

It took a while to get started today. I felt very tired for the first half of the day. I managed to get my hair washed before going down to the caregiver support group this afternoon. I always call it a good day when I can wash my hair along with the rest of me.

Support group today was large, and most everyone got to share. One or two people were new; we begain with one of the newbies, who simply wanted "to listen," and doubtless got an earful as we went around the circle. It can get a little chaotic sometimes, with advice flowing as freely as water, but everyone in the end walks out a little lighter, as we are reminded that we're all in this together.

While I was waiting for Himself to stop by and pick me up, I discovered the reason I was tired: I was starting my Moonflow a bit earlier than expected! Welcome to the wild world of Perimenopause, eh wot! I got myself some proper padding on when we got home.

I went back out with Himself after a quick-ish dinner, where we met up with a friend in San Diego. She gave us some food, which was very helpful, along with a pair of pumpkins. I must confess, Cooking From Scratch is not a strong suit of mine, and my first thought was, "What are we going to do with these pumpkins?!" Fortunately, they're not very large; unfortunately, we don't have a working oven, just a modest-sized convection oven. Even if we wanted to, we couldn't do these gourds justice! I'll think of something, though...

On the way home, I caught sight of a large procession of people. They weren't shouting any slogans, so they weren't protesting. Then I remembered: today is the feast day for the Virgin of Guadalupe (a variant of the Virgin Mary), and I had probably seen a posada (procession) making the rounds. My spirit was a bit lighter afterwards, though I had to take a moment and explain it to Himself.

Each day, I'm feeling a little better after my epic meltdown on Sunday. Seeing the pretty holiday lights around town is helping lift my spirits up as well. Hopefully, this gentle momentum continues to build. :)

Day 60: on consistency

I'm noting today is the 60th day that I have written something on this blog, and that I haven't missed one single solitary day! This is significant because doing something consistently, day in and day out, has been a challenge, at times, on this odyssey of mine. This blog is a thread of possibility, a Yes I Can item for myself that I can build upon.

As an example: I had restarted a practice to keep my energy clear. I was doing well, until it was time for my Moonflow. Since it has come and gone, I haven't been able to get back into that practice. What I need to do is figure out how best to practice while menstruating, so that it just doesn't drop off and I lose the momentum I had built up. I'm good with it on one level, but super frustrated on another level.

On a related note: I still haven't done the two things I assigned myself to do at the start of the week: tidy up the kitchen and complete + turn in the Queen Mother's Medi-Cal paperwork. Today felt like an "off" day for much of the day; I wound up grocery shopping today because I didn't want to do it in the rain. (Did some of that last week. Not radically fun.) It turns out that the forms for the re-evaluation of the Queen Mother's CalFresh (food stamps) arrived in the mail this evening, so now I don't feel so bad. Tomorrow I can take care of ALL the paperwork in one fell swoop, and leave the kitchen for the rainy times coming up.

That's what my rational mind says, yet there's a part of me that's listening to the whispers of the Comparison Monster in my head, that insists I should have been able to do what I needed to do by now, and pick up where I had left off with my energetic + spiritual work, and why can't I summon up the wherewithal to get things done? Furthermore, what good is a schedule going to be if I can't stick to it for more than a week? The Stinking Thinking can and will get out of hand if I let it.

Part of my response is that I'm really very Tired, and this bone-deep Tired gets in the way sometimes. It's not as bad as it was, true, but I don't see it going away anytime soon, not without a week completely AWAY from the whole idea of caregiving. Part of my response it to give myself a break...much of the time, I have to be a one-woman show, and as long as I don't miss any important deadlines, I'm doing just fine. Even if I do miss a deadline here and there, the world isn't going to come to a screeching halt. Part of my response is that I am improving, and as long as I continue to improve (and sneak in a little REST here and there), I will return to a place where I can "get things done," and stick with routines, on a more consistent basis.

With that, I shall return to the blog, and note with satisfacttion: 60 consecutive days. One-sixth of this journey. Yay me. Perhaps, today, that will be Enough. :)

Day 12: on the magic of momentum

The ease and grace that began to flow yesterday continued today. :)

Practically, I made some more headway in cleaning up the master bedroom. I had a modest pile of clothes in one corner. They had been tagged originally for Giveaway, but then I got the idea in my head that perhaps I could sell my clothes for some much needed cash. Well, the first time I tried to sell clothes was the last time; I don't think I got more than $5 combined from the two places we visited. Then I got the idea to rent a booth at a swap meet and sell the fruits of my decluttering efforts there. That got swept away shortly after Himself's cancer diagnosis, and the subsequent onset of my Depression saw me not doing anything in the way of decluttering or offloading, and the planned castoffs just kept piling up.

Today I picked those clothes up, shook them clear, and placed them neatly in bags. My lesson has been learned: for me, Giveaway is the Only Way. Neither Himself nor I have the bandwidth to secure a place at the swap meet - and the horror stories I hear about selling stuff online far outweigh the success stories. Giveaway is SO much easier for me/us all the way around!  At any rate, between decluttering and taking out trash + recycling, I feel like I got a fair amount done today, with more to come tomorrow.

Later in the day, I went with Himself to his follow-up appointment with the "civilian" neurologist (one he found outside the VA) to discuss the results of the CT scan he had 10 days ago. You see, he was rear-ended while driving on the I-5 freeway this past July (on the first day of Comi-Con, so traffic was more horrendous than usual!), and got whiplash. Then he began to have nearly nonstop migrane headches. I had an offer from my chiropractor for a free exam; between that and the coverage provided by our car insurance, he started going for treatment. He's now getting all of the bills together (that have been incurred from the accident), and he will be submitting everything to the other driver's insurance company soon for a settlement. For a car accident claim, things have been moving rather fast, and I am hoping for a swift resolution.

Following the neurology appointment, we were advised that the hard copy of the records would be available in a couple of days. Friday is a full appointment day, and as I looked at the calendar, I could feel myself starting to feel a bit anxious. This time, however, I was able to stop, take a deep breath, and bring myself back to the present. "There's no use in borrowing from Tomorrow's problems for Today," I told myself. There's another mantra in that; let me put it in the back of my mind and let it percolate for a bit. Regardless, I have faith we'll be able to navigate Friday's gauntlet of appointments with ease.

If this is the start of a better personal year, I won't have any complaints. :)

Day 8: on feeling satisfied

First, I am congratulating myself on making it a week with blogging; more, to set up my blog on my little tablet, which I can use to make entries while the TV is on in the other room - and I don't have to feel distracted or upset or whatever.

Second, I'm also satisfied that I got some housework done today: the laundry is done, the kitchen is cleared of recycling and trash, and the dishes are in the dishwasher, which I will start once I finish this entry. It hasn't always been easy to find or generate enough motivation to work on the house, and put things (back) in order, and sometimes it's really super challenging to bust out of the Stinking Thinking and see a task through to completion. Today, order prevailed, for once I can actually GET started, momentum will carry me through to the end.

Today was a calm Autumn day, with rain in the morning and cool breezes in the afternoon. Typical of Southern California, though, a Santa Ana is supposed to be set up by the start of the week. Basically, hot dry desert winds blow in from the north and east, warming everything up and making it feel more like Summer, minus the humidity. I am one of those "weird" people who actually enjoy the heat, so I will be quite satisfied with the weather for my birthday next week.

I also had a good day with the Queen Mother. With Himself out taking care of his business today, mom was able to relax a bit more than usual, sine Himself usually watches "too much" TV, and has the house "too cold" for her to be comfortable. She mentioned lasrt week she wanted to eat a TV dinner, so I found a Hungry Man dinner for her. Yes there are leftovers, but she seemed to enjoy it well enough. After talking about the dinner, I made a note to look for some of the Stouffers dinners she "used to eat all the time." I wonder if she will remember what dhe used to like and not likem or if she'll simply eat what I put down in front of her.

It feels good to conclude here. We shall see what tomorrow brings...