a "bag lady" day

After the anxiety of yesterday, I delibrately made it a Chill Day today, doing a lot of reading. I have two on-screen sources these days: the AgingCare.com support forum, where I can sympathize and cheer on my fellow caregivers, and Flipboard, a site + app where one can browze a gazillion articles on practically every topic under the sun. I receive their "10 for Today" emails, scan the articles presented, and tag the email with a star if I want to return to it at a later date. I have a ton of Forum and Flipboard notifications tagged, so I have a LOT of reading material at my fingertips.

There is a bit of irony to this, if you know me at all: I was one of those people who refused to get a Kindle, refused to listen to Any Audiobooks Ever, because Real Books were the best and only "real" source of reading, didn't ya know! Now most of my reading is on a screen, and I'm looking forward to "retraining" myself to read Real Books over this upcoming Mercury Retrograde. Think of it as NaNoReMo, if you will.

When I started to feel a little restless, I picked up where I left off in my Huswifery: creating an alternative organizational system for all of our bags. Despite the "ban" that was enacted in California a few years back, there are still plenty of plastic bags to go around, especially if you take home anything from a restaurant to eat later. First I got all of the bags together in their various "categories," then I played a little Bag Tetris to slot everything in reasonably well in the bottom shelf of one of our below-the-counter cupboards. (For those who don't know, Tetris is a very simple-yet-addictive video game where you take variously shaped 3D puzzle pieces and try to slot them together with as few gaps as possible...and the rate at which you receive said pieces gets faster over time!)

When I was done, we had one bunch of Target bags ready to be returned to the store for reusing, one bunch each of Walmart and Ralph's bags in progress, the aforementioned "Thank You" bags for takeout ready to be reused for trash bags in the master bathroom, various newspaper bags ready to be used for litter box clearings, and an array of paper bags neatly tucked in the corner, to be used for whatever I can come up with. Finally there is our embarrassingly small collection of actual reusable canvas-with-insulation lunch bags. Perhaps this last bunch will grow as the other categories shrink with use.

Afterwards came some more reading, then dinner for the Queen Mother and myself. (Himself had another day of tending to Club business down in San Diego.) Next on my project list will be to reorganize the shelf above the bag shelf, along with the silverware drawer and junk drawer above them. I acknowledged today that organizing and reorganizing things does seem to help quiet my sometimes nervously chattering mind, so I will keep going and see what happens.

Tomorrow Himself and I plan to go to another "retirement planning" seminar to take advantage of the free dinner. I'll let y'all know if I hear anything remotely interesting. ;)

Day 264: on single tasking

I chose to go with Himself to his Cardiac Rehab session today. We worked out for a little more than an hour; today I finally broke a sweat, or as I said to the staff, "I got my Sparkle on." ;) One thing I do know: I am not fond of the elliptical machine At All. I feel like I'm going to fall off of it at any moment. I think I'll stick with the recumbent version.

In moving my muscles, to paraphrase Julia Cameron once again, I am moving my mood. I suspect this is one of the reasons Life is not feeling quite so Heavy and Dim  these days. I am wanting to make this a priority in my life, at least for the next two months and a week (According to my calculations, he will finish with these sessions in the first week of September). I found that I didn't get "hangry" as I have in the past, and was able to get through assembling dinners - delayed by an hour and a half due to wending our way home through traffic - without wanting to lose my shit, pardon my French.

Working out was the only thing I managed to get done today, but that's okay. No one has an appointment tomorrow, so I can focus on the more domestic affairs, such as laundry and paperwork. Tomorrow I can feel a different sense of accomplishment. Today's was the satisfaction I had in moving my body, and listening to my body, and knowing when to push, and when to say I'd had enough.

I'm already noticing a difference in how my clothes are fitting. Tomorrow I will weigh myself and see where I am.

Day 206: on a marvelous monday

It rained off and on today, but that didn't stop me from enjoying a day out with an errand here and a commitment there. An actual April shower - who'da thunk it? ;)

I got a nice bonus today when I found a bigger total in my account than had been there yesterday. Seems my State Tax refund was direct deposited. Now to see when the Federal one might arrive. I was able to pick up a few other things besides chicken for the Queen Mother.

I was totally pleased to find a big jar of mixed nuts on our latest, and hopefully LAST, pantry visit. I have been looking for a healthy snack that I could indulge in on my own, and this will definitely do the trick. 

We would have gone to the peace vigil this evening, but we had a commitment we had made weeks before the insanity unfolded a few days ago. I honored that commitment, and Himself came along in support. Things unfolded rather nicely. We stopped off at the ocean afterwards for a few minutes, inhaling the salty air and doing a bit of stargazing. The skies were busy tonight, as we tracked airplane lights moving toward, and away from, San Diego proper.

We had to make a pit stop at a Hampton Inn. I had booked a stay there when we thought we were going to be fumigated in November, but cancelled it when the fumigation was postponed. We received word over the weekend that the fumigation is back on for mid-June, and I wanted to confirm that they would still accept the cats, and for how much. (Yes and not for much at all.) If the timing works out with the VA settlement money, we could go directly from fumigation into condo renovation, and I have the temporary accomodations worked out.

The skies look to be a bit clearer tomorrow, and it looks like I will have the time to tend to some domestic business. Looking forward to a productive day. :)

Day 173: on a forward-looking wednesday

Today I could lift my head out of the murky waters I'm swimming through, and consider the immediate and near future.

Tomorrow I will be finished with all of the "distateful" calls, and I can put them behind me. I wrote in my Morning Pages before making today's calls, and it helped to recenter me; moreover, I was able to give voice to some of the deeper emotions I was feeling just under the surface stress, so that was good.

After breakfast, Himself went to re-sign up for the MOVE clinic at the VA Medical Center. MOVE is an acronym for the VA's weight management program, though I forget what the exact acronym is at the moment. Nevertheless, he had just completed their initial eight week course in 2016 when he was diagnosed with his cancer, so whatever else they could have offered him was put on hold. After talking with one of the nurses affiliated with the program, we all agreed that a Refresher Course would be a good idea, and we could go from there.

In as much as I'm able to, I am going to do the course alongside him. I can stand to drop some weight myself, as the last few years have not been kind to my waistline, nor to my dietary habits. To be completely accountable, my goal is to drop 50 pounds by the time I reach my 50th birthday, which will be in 2021. I have some time to accomplish that. :)

After we were done at the VAMC, we went "across the street" from the UCSD campus to the Jewish Community Center. They have a decent gym and a lovely swimming pool, and their rates are way more reasonable than any of the mainstream gyms around. We are going to do their free one-week trial while we wait for our monthly "stipends," and then Himself will finagle a way to pay the dues.

On the way home, we figured that once Himself received one (or both) of his cash influxes, we need to refurbish the condo after paying the bills. We will probably bundle up the Queen Mother and the cats and stay at a Homewood Suites while the condo is being redone. The diswasher going kaput is only the latest minor calamity that's happened in the condo, and a total refurbishing would do us a lot of good.

Speaking of the dishwasher: We went to Lowe's to price some new dishwashers, and saw that hand washing would be the norm for us for a little while. (FYI: the best prices are available on both July 4th and Black Friday, per the agent in the Appliance department.)

Though I'm feeling tired - as it's just about That Time of the Month - I'm also feeling hopeful for the first time in a while. Starting to see a future in which I am functioning reasonably well again, with some goals to match, gives me just enough buoyancy to keep on swimming, at least for today.

Bonus points if you notice that today's metaphor is different from yesterday's. ;)

Day 89: on moving into a new day

Since I stayed inside yesterday, I chose to turn the focus outside today. We had groceries we needed to get, a car payment to make, and money to get things done. The errands unfolded one after the other without a hitch, and we got home in plenty of time before we needed to fix mom dinner.

Before we launched into the grocery shopping, Himself and I treated ourselves to a nice brunch at a local diner that has reasonable prices. It was a nice little treat for ourselves to start off the new year. I had something I don't usually eat: a breakfast burrito, vegetarian style, so it had no bacon or sausage in it. I got a fruit cup to go with it and gave Himself the cantaloupe pieces and I had the rest of the fruit. (Fun fact: I don't like cantaloupe. It has a gnarly aftertaste that I've never gotten used to.) The brunch was so filling, that I wound up having a later dinner than usual, tucking in to my "mock chili" I described a few days ago.

I also started a second small experiment: while out shopping at Trader Joe's, and waiting for Himself to join me in the store, I took a pic of one of the pretty flower bouquets they sell there and posted it on Messenger, with a Daily Story hashtag. I want to post a pic (or two) and/or a video on my Messenger Stories every day for the next year. I don't guarantee that I will make it every day, and some of the pics will be totally random, but I'm feeling ready to reach out a little more on social media again, after being off of it for over a year (July 2017 - August 2018) and keeping a low profile since I returned.

Tonight is forecast to be a chilly night, with temperatures at or slightly below (!) freezing. Fortunately the cats are in, the central heater is working, and I have on socks. We are going to be quite cozy tonight. :)

Day 61: on considering a wee experiment

While writing in my Morning Pages today, I came to see how good I had gotten at Stinking Thinking. I didn't do any venting onto the page, but I saw how my thought patterns would go straight to considering the "bad" outcomes, if not start to catastrophize outright (envisioning the worst case scenario in an attempt to "cushion the blow" somehow).

Then I had an idea: since I had become an expert at seeing the clouds gathering on the horizon, perhaps I could cultivate a knack at seeing the Silver Linings to the clouds instead. I have heard a ton of messages about Gratitude and Getting More of What You Focus Upon, and so forth, especially over the last few weeks. So, why not try to count my Blessings before I count my Woes? Perhaps I could start counting my Blessings instead of my Woes! Now there's a radical thought...

Starting tomorrow, then, I'm going to try what I'm calling "Abundant Gratitude" for one month. I'm choosing tomorrrow because it's a new moon, perfect for beginning new things, and Mercury is going direct, which will make communications much easier. I can manage tracking Gratitude, and practicing seeing Abundance, for one month. At the end of the month, I will review any progress that I have made and determine whether I'm going to continue.

I have begun Gratitude journals in the past, but they have always seemed to peter out sooner or later. By committing to just one month, I'm making a definitive container that I can pretty easily fill, and if I choose to continue, I can do so month to month, so no big pressure. I really don't have anything to lose, except for my Depression and a good deal of Stinking Thinking.

Wish me luck... :)

Day 51: on celebrating with my husband

For those of you who don't know, this is Himself. Yes, he cleans up really well. He answers to Jonathan. Today he celebrates his birthday. He's a bit vain, so you will have to guess how old he is, but I can tell you he's ten years older than I am.

We met at a Cuddle Party in June of 2012, thirty three days after I had declared that I was ready to meet "my Beloved" to the Universe. I say he became a part of my life so that I could work through a few hangups that I had, one of which I mentioned in my Veterans Day post...you know, the one about not wanting to hook up with someone who had been in the military.

After we met, we exchanged phone numbers. I called him after a week, and he asked me why I hadn't responded to any of his texts. The only number I had at that point was a landline, not a cell phone. He was gobsmacked that people still had landlines.

Our first date was at a small restaurant called Ruby's, at the end of Oceanside Pier. While there, we exchanged eyeglasses, and noted that our prescriptions were remarkably similar - in other words, we were both blind as bats. We also share the last four digits of our Social Security numbers; no, I'm not going to tell you which four numbers those are. We share a love of the ocean, so of course that's where we had our first date.

He will tell you he knew I was "The One" immediately after the Cuddle Party. I needed a little more time to be convinced. I didn't take too much longer, though, as we had a very small & intimate Commitment Ceremony in August of 2012. Some of my friends raised concerns about how quickly we chose to be together, but I say there comes a time when you just Know when it's going to work, and the older you are, the less time you need to waste with the games of courtship. We have been together nearly 6 1/2 years.

Cancer was not even a consideration when we met, and was not going to be an excuse for me to leave him when it reared its ugly head. I take my commitments and vows seriously, and I meant it when I agreed to for better and for worse, in sickness and in health. We're stuck with one another until the very end, and I wouldn't have it any other way. He will be tumor-free 2 1/2 years at the end of January, and we are taking steps to keep him that way. 

Happy Birthday, Boo. Here's to many more. :)

Day 14: on finishing a busy day

I am feeling tired on several levels, but here I am in my commitment, checking in.

The flow of the day went well enough. Himself got to his appointments, and I got the Queen Mother to her doctor's appointment. In her case, we are going to stay the course, for now. She has been experiencing more pain as the weather has gotten colder. If she needs to take her pain meds, we will get her a stool softener to take with those meds, to see if we can avoid a repeat experience of the gastrointestinal "roller coaster" she rode a month ago.

Part of why I'm tired now is because the Queen Mother was in a foul mood when she woke up and came out of her room. She despises going anywhere outside the home, mainly because going to and fro is a significant physical challenge. Every bump in the road, every jolt of uneven pavement, causes her pain. Of course, as her dutiful daughter, I'm trying to keep everything flowing as smoothly as possible. We made it to the doctor's office and back again today, but - whew!

Part of why I'm tired is that tomorrow I am most likely going to accompany Himself on a quick trip to LA, helping a friend get to LAX. I found myself super triggered by the idea: Why do I have to Sacrifice my precious time? Why am I making All Of The Sacrifices? How much more do I have to Sacrifice before I/we can emerge from the LACK I/we have been swimming in, sometimes just managing to keep my/our head/s above water? I wound up emotionally vomiting all over Himself on our way to our weekly meetings this evening, but he didn't get angry. He just assured me that everything was going to be okay; and after a while, I did start to feel better - but not before I had done some soul-deep venting.

Fortunately, the day is over, and I can mark this day as done. Tomorrow will be a fresh new opportunity... :)

Day 7: on making it through a "heavy" day

I knew from the moment I woke up this morning that it was going to be one of the Heavy days, when Life seems to press down so hard and so completely it took great effort to get even a simple task done. This is the form my Depression takes, when Life lacks even a smidge of excitement, and my interior vision is made up solely of shades of gray. The color of the world doesn't seem to stick.

Each time I tried to do something to emerge from the Heavies, I would make a little progress, then slide back down and in. Tidy up in the home and take out the trash? Nope. Radically cut back on my social media intake? Nope. Get out of the house and go with Himself to the VA? Nope. Finally manage to cross a few things off my to-do list? Nope. Have dinner? Nope. Nothing worked long enough to snap me out of my funk.

I had committed to attend a meeting in the evening, but was not feeling it at all on the way down to San Diego, where the meeting was to take place. I'm glad I went, though, for three reasons: 1) I happened to mention to a dear friend that my Depression was getting the better of me. She was not able to come with us this evening, but she did give Himself a care package to give to me, which contained various flavors of tea - which will come in handy in the Winter months to come. 2) I usually leave the meeting much better than I enter it; tonight was, fortunately, no exception. 3) We had an actual thunderstorm in San Diego proper, and the lightning cut through the tension that had resided within me all day. For each of these reasons, I am grateful.

I have a clearer idea of what felt so Heavy today. I'm going to sit with it and journal on it before I share about it, if y'all don't mind...