Day 313: on needing more stepping

First, the Important Development: Himself had a vascular study done on his legs today, and it was confirmed that he DOES have something wonky in his right leg; a partially clogged femoral artery, in fact. I knew something was amiss when I looked at the monitor and saw the blood pressure in the right leg was much lower than it was in the left leg, the irony of that being that it was his left leg that was rather crunched in a bicycle accident in 2008 (he lost an argument with a car). There are surgical options, but he was advised that surgery was really not necessary at this moment. The best thing he could do was more walking, in fact, so we're going to figure out what the best way to accomplish this would be.

We got to the VA Medical Center an hour after we initially expected to, because we needed to fit in a shower for the Queen Mother. Her big appointment is tomorrow, where we sit down and go over ALL of her test results, and figure out what, if anything, we need to do next. We got most everything checked off at the VA today, save for a question about how best to treat Himself's weather-impacted sinuses with his heart issues. The Cardiac receptionist was not exactly cooperative, so Himself sent them a message directly. For the record, he will also be seeing his Primary doctor next week.

The other big thing today was my attitude: I got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, hit the reset button a few times, but always seemed to circle back to the growly-snappy state - and for the record, yes, the full moon is tomorrow. To bypass a bunch of whining and complaining: I realized I'm (once again) feeling "stuck and powerless," unable to move forward while I lack any sort of discretionary income to help me unstick myself. Back to the first steps again, I suppose...

After the Queen Mother's appointment tomorrow, I am intending to work out with Himself and take in a caregiver support group. Goddess grant me these things!  

Day 195: on a more orderly day

I got a bit more sleep overnight than I had the previous night, so that was one point of improvement. Today was also full, but not as chaotic.

I accompanied Himself to the all-important Oncology appointment today. In this case, no news was most definitely good news. He is still In Remission and "good to go" for another 90 days. :)

From there, we went over to have his port access removed, and then a trip over to where they schedule GI procedures. The GI folks had scheduled his next "coming and going" appointment for June, three months after the last one, but the Oncology folks say he doesn't need another one until September, six months after the last one. The GI folks saw reason, and his appointment was duly rescheduled. Good news all the way around. We also made notes to schedule the next CT scan (prior to his next Oncology appointment) in May, when we need to pay a visit to the eye clinic. His eyeballs are a whole 'nother story, which I will share later.

Our next stop was at Ralphs, where we got ourselves some sandwiches and chips for a little picnic lunch at the beach. The rip currents were very apparent today; fortunately, there weren't many swimmers in the water yet, as the ocean is still a bit too chilly. I got some quality beach time today, and I was happy.

We stopped at Trader Joe's on the way home, and arrived before dinnertime. We checked the mail just in case - still no letter. In this case, that was a good thing, as Himself's stepmother has stopped payment on the check she wrote and will wire him the money instead. With any luck, we will have it tomorrow; at worst, we might have to wait till Monday.

Between yesterday and today, I am moving to break up the Stinking Thinking that says I am "too damaged" to be helped, and "too negative" to be able to receive (financial) help. Stuff happens, and can happen to any of us, and the worst thing we can do is Suffer in Silence. I am working on telling my truth faster, and speaking up when I need help...and I AM Receiving Help. So there. :)

Tomorrow it's the Queen Mother's turn to visit the doctor for a follow up appointment, followed in the evening by the happy chaos that is a Passover Seder. With this in mind, I chose to skip the caregiver support group today in order to rest up. There will be another one next week that I can attend.

Today I made progress in climbing towards the summit of the mountain.

Day 80: on the "uninvited guest"

Depression came for a visit today. :p

My back was acting up a bit - the result of an ill-timed sneeze or two - and the Queen Mother was complaining about some of the yogurt we got from the pantry specifically for her. I never got my usual morning routine in, and taking a shower did not help my back (though I did get my hair washed). I managed to submit the other timesheet for November, but with the IHSS people doing their year-end processing, it might be the New Year before I get any money in the bank account. I was also expecting a fax that failed to arrive today.

So Depression stopped by, to say hello to the Comparison Monster. For much of the day I didn't feel Enough...I didn't do enough to get money in a timely fashion; we don't have enough food to make it however long we need to before we get more money (which is not true, BTW); we don't have enough "Quality Food" and we have to subsist on "scraps." Oh yes - we don't have enough Holiday Spirit and Christmas is doomed to fail! This last one arises when I listen to the Comparison Monster as we look at everyone's cheery Christmas posts on social media. The irony: I haven't celebrated Christmas for years. My big holiday is Yuletide at the Winter Solstice. I did manage to miss most of the celebrations this year, between my unexpected Moonflow and my wonky back.

The gloom has lifted a bit, after dinner and a nap, and the unexpected treat of some Reeses peanut butter cups from the Queen Mother, who got them from her bestie. The cats have provided some solace as well. Strangely enough, they seems to be content with food in their bellies, a roof over their heads, and nice bags to lie upon when they get tired of sharing bedspace with mom and grandma. I could stand to take a lesson from them!

I suspect I'll feel better tomorrow. I just feel a little run down and drained tonight. Bah Humbug, and all of that, ya know.

Day 79: on finding acceptance through "giving up"

Ever since my last major meltdown a few weeks ago, a new attitude has emerged from deep within - very subtly at first, but quite noticeable in the last week or so. It is a deep Knowing that everything is going to be okay in the end; it is also the "Peace that Passeth All Understanding" that boggles some of the more logical parts of my mind. It wasn't until I read my friend Maitri's blog post today that the elusive word for this attitude finally appeared in my mind: Acceptance.

In the past, I have resisted Life As It Is, and resisted hard. I would think that if I just tried a little harder, focussed my atterntion just a little more, I would find The Solution to this problem and all would be well. In practice, this served to amplify the Stinking Thinking going on in my head, more often than not, and would drive me even more crazy than before. Yet I would still persevere in my Resistance, like a bad habit I knew I needed to break, but didn't really want to, if I'm going to be totally honest.

When I had the last major meltdown, I Gave Up. I was done. I had jumped through my last hoop, turned over my last stone. I felt Untouchable and Irrevocably Broken and I was ready to quit bothering with anything and everything entirely. The meltdown was on a Sunday; when I woke up on Monday and found myself still alive and Incarnate on Earth, the Shift began to germinate in earnest.

It came to me later: pre-meltdown, I was still expecting a Dea Ex Macnina move, some master stroke of Divine Intervention from "Goddess Outside of the Machine," that would make everything All Better. Post-meltdown, that hopeful part of me died...but when it did, the source of my Resistance died with it. When I Gave Up, I was finally able to open the door to Real Acceptance, instead of just giving lip service to it.

The shenanigans my lower back is engaging in have tested that Acceptance, but I've come to be okay with the idea of lots of Stillness and Rest, and be thankful that it's ONLY a few tweaked nerves and muscles that have sidelined me temporarily. I have prayed for much more extreme disabilities in the past, when I was deep in my Resistance and desperate for some way, Any Way, out of the bottomless pit my life seemed to have become.

I'm sure there will be futher tests of my Acceptance in the future. For now, I am finding my motivation to resume the hoop-jumping and the storne-turning, because there is work to be done, to be attempted at the very least, to secure my position as the Queen Mother's IHSS provider, and keep that source of income viable. There is still work to be done, and I am motiviating myself to do it. :) 

Day 65: on being at my wits' end

Today I thought was going to receive an infusion of hope, but I wound up getting punched in the Shadow gut. I came hope from a formerly safe space feeling like a leper. All of my Stinking Thinking was turned up full blast. I was bawling for a couple of hours. I'm better now, but still emotionally very sore.

I took down the GoFundMe and deleted all mention of it off of my Facebook. I feel like those who could pitch in with support already have, and to keep it up was simply exacerbating the shame I've been feeling.

Honestly, I don't know where to go from here, except possibly into bankruptcy, and if that happens, I'm pretty sure we can kiss any and all money coming our way goodbye. At the rate things ar going in DC, though, we could conceivably be in and out of bankruptcy before Himself's attorneys get anything from the VA. Go figure.

I'm beyond tired this evening, hoping a good night's sleep can provide some answers. Yes, tomorrow is a new day, but a new day of what? The same old (ahem) stuff?

I have no answers or witty ending comments this evening. Peace Out, peeps.

Day 60: on consistency

I'm noting today is the 60th day that I have written something on this blog, and that I haven't missed one single solitary day! This is significant because doing something consistently, day in and day out, has been a challenge, at times, on this odyssey of mine. This blog is a thread of possibility, a Yes I Can item for myself that I can build upon.

As an example: I had restarted a practice to keep my energy clear. I was doing well, until it was time for my Moonflow. Since it has come and gone, I haven't been able to get back into that practice. What I need to do is figure out how best to practice while menstruating, so that it just doesn't drop off and I lose the momentum I had built up. I'm good with it on one level, but super frustrated on another level.

On a related note: I still haven't done the two things I assigned myself to do at the start of the week: tidy up the kitchen and complete + turn in the Queen Mother's Medi-Cal paperwork. Today felt like an "off" day for much of the day; I wound up grocery shopping today because I didn't want to do it in the rain. (Did some of that last week. Not radically fun.) It turns out that the forms for the re-evaluation of the Queen Mother's CalFresh (food stamps) arrived in the mail this evening, so now I don't feel so bad. Tomorrow I can take care of ALL the paperwork in one fell swoop, and leave the kitchen for the rainy times coming up.

That's what my rational mind says, yet there's a part of me that's listening to the whispers of the Comparison Monster in my head, that insists I should have been able to do what I needed to do by now, and pick up where I had left off with my energetic + spiritual work, and why can't I summon up the wherewithal to get things done? Furthermore, what good is a schedule going to be if I can't stick to it for more than a week? The Stinking Thinking can and will get out of hand if I let it.

Part of my response is that I'm really very Tired, and this bone-deep Tired gets in the way sometimes. It's not as bad as it was, true, but I don't see it going away anytime soon, not without a week completely AWAY from the whole idea of caregiving. Part of my response it to give myself a break...much of the time, I have to be a one-woman show, and as long as I don't miss any important deadlines, I'm doing just fine. Even if I do miss a deadline here and there, the world isn't going to come to a screeching halt. Part of my response is that I am improving, and as long as I continue to improve (and sneak in a little REST here and there), I will return to a place where I can "get things done," and stick with routines, on a more consistent basis.

With that, I shall return to the blog, and note with satisfacttion: 60 consecutive days. One-sixth of this journey. Yay me. Perhaps, today, that will be Enough. :)

Day 46: on "getting it done"

It's never a good thing when I wake up and my mind is galloping along so fast that I can't go back to sleep. Instead of allowing it to continue galloping into a panic attack or a depressive episode, though, I took some time to brew some tea and dive into my Morning Pages. One nice raging rant later, I realized that I was taking everything WAY too Personally. I found a belief that I was somehow being "singled out" somehow for some sort of "punishment." The interesting places my Stinking Thinking takes me sometimes!

Anyway, once I finished my tea and my Pages, I went on with the day: breakfast for the Queen Mother, gathering up necessary documents, and a quick shower before we were off to the Credit Union to get a copy of my bank statement (since their systems were down, I couldn't print it off at home), and finally to my appointment with the County of San Diego to see if I could get any other help.

The appointment took about an hour and a half, and when it was done, my mind was goo. Answering tons of questions, presenting various documents, filling out and signing a couple of affidavits - and after all of that, I am probably going to be denied a spot on the dole because 1) I co-own a home (with the Queen Mother) and 2) I have a bank account (again, with the Queen Mother). Somehow, if things continue in the slow-yet-steady pace of Cultural Erosion that I've noticed, I think there's a good chance more people like me will start looking for help, and the criteria might need to be changed. Perhaps.

I was asked a question that momentarily stumped me, though, when I was invited to discuss everything I owned. It struck me as odd because most of the household items we have were purchased by the Queen Mother, or at the very least, in a joint effort. I had to think about things that I, personally, had purchased myself and could claim sole "ownership" of. Aside from clothes or a few pieces of costume jewelry, there isn't that much I could say that I actually owned. (As far as the cats go, they own me. Am I right?) When I look at our home as the Queen Mother's Power of Attorney, though, then I come into "ownership" of the items in the household, and that's the card I chose to play.

When I was done at the County offices, I really wanted a stiff drink, but as alcohol does NOT agree with me, I settled for an Arnold Palmer (black tea + lemonade) from Starbucks before Himself and I finished off the day. We paid the car registration and swung by the grocery (which was busy today and will only get busier tomorrow) to grab some essentials before going home. I put my brain in the fridge (metaphorically), had some comfort food for dinner (actually), and promised myself not to Think Deeply until tomorrow.

I have returned to a mandala I started to color in last year, then abandoned part-way through. I am planning to post more of my mandalas on Instagram, if anyone is interested. So once I finish here, I'm going back to coloring and taking it easy. Tomorrow is another day and there is still much to be done.

Day 18: on being still and listening

Today was not a day to move mountains after all. When I checked in with myself, I really wanted to rest, so that's what I did. There's always another day to fight battles in the outside world.

Instead, I did some writing , which provided me a snapshot of my thoughts...and they happened to be filled with Stinking Thinking. They were also an extension of the writing that had emerged on Sunday; I knew I had to pay attention when my first sentence was, I hate caregiving! To sum up what I wrote today: I'm feeling like I had a shot to realize my Dreams, but I didn't have the courage to manifest them fully. Now, I'm living out my "punishment" of taking care of my mother, alone.

I know from past Shadow Work that I have challenges arising from parental Shadows, and that a lot of my challenges around relating to/with my mom involve my identity as an Individual Person, versus "just" being my mother's daughter - a dance informed and complicated by being an Only child. How much do I owe her for birthing and caring for me as I grew up? How much do I owe myself to live my best life and pursue my dreams, now that I am an adult? Finding the balance between these two poles is tricky at best, and this dilemma is complicated by the notion that I have NO idea how long the Queen Mother will be around. Aside from osteoarthritis (and a body shaped by rickets), she's actually in good health...so she could live for another three, five, ten years, or even longer. Her mother lived to 95, and she's only 76!

With this knowledge, I look at the words that spilled upon the page today and I see a story that needs to be rewritten. For better and for worse, I am my mother's caregiver right now. I do not want to be one of the 40% (at least) of caregivers whose lives are shortened, or even prematurely ended, by the stress caregiving can bring. So as the moon comes to fullness, I can consider the rewriting of my Caregiving story, and the rewiring of my Lone Wolf attitude!

Day 14: on finishing a busy day

I am feeling tired on several levels, but here I am in my commitment, checking in.

The flow of the day went well enough. Himself got to his appointments, and I got the Queen Mother to her doctor's appointment. In her case, we are going to stay the course, for now. She has been experiencing more pain as the weather has gotten colder. If she needs to take her pain meds, we will get her a stool softener to take with those meds, to see if we can avoid a repeat experience of the gastrointestinal "roller coaster" she rode a month ago.

Part of why I'm tired now is because the Queen Mother was in a foul mood when she woke up and came out of her room. She despises going anywhere outside the home, mainly because going to and fro is a significant physical challenge. Every bump in the road, every jolt of uneven pavement, causes her pain. Of course, as her dutiful daughter, I'm trying to keep everything flowing as smoothly as possible. We made it to the doctor's office and back again today, but - whew!

Part of why I'm tired is that tomorrow I am most likely going to accompany Himself on a quick trip to LA, helping a friend get to LAX. I found myself super triggered by the idea: Why do I have to Sacrifice my precious time? Why am I making All Of The Sacrifices? How much more do I have to Sacrifice before I/we can emerge from the LACK I/we have been swimming in, sometimes just managing to keep my/our head/s above water? I wound up emotionally vomiting all over Himself on our way to our weekly meetings this evening, but he didn't get angry. He just assured me that everything was going to be okay; and after a while, I did start to feel better - but not before I had done some soul-deep venting.

Fortunately, the day is over, and I can mark this day as done. Tomorrow will be a fresh new opportunity... :)

Day 9: on doing the shadow work

As I mentioned previously, I started in on journaling around the Heaviness I was experiencing a couple of days ago, in order to unpack what, exactly, was stinking in my thinking. Whereas I would normally wait until the entire process was finished before sharing my results, I was inspired by a video made by a friend about sharing during the messy in-between times, as well as sharing the nice shiny journey when it was all over - and frankly, this whole blog is about sharing during the messy in-between times! So, a bit of sharing the preliminary results of my digging down to find the root, if you will...

The main source of my Stinking Thinking is feeling Overwhelmed by life, whether I'm thinking about what I still have to do around our home in order to get it a bit more "reasonable" (I abandoned the "Grandma Clean" standard a long time ago, trust me!), or whether I find myself carrying the angst of the world upon my shoulders. In the latter case, I seem to have this idea that I (and I alone) need to "transmute the suffering of the world" so that everyone will feel better. I'm not quite sure where I picked up this Goddess complex - heh, I just came up with that - and I'm not quite sure how to drop it Once and For All. Still working on that.

Both of these concepts were part of the Heavies, but neither was ultimately the real root. Beneath these concepts, however, the word Sacrifice suddenly leapt into my mind. I dug a little further, and found the root at last: I have been feeling for some time that I've just been Sacrificing more and more and more of myself - whether financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically, or whatever - and getting nothing in return. It has that "Suffering in Silence" quality to it as well.

I found some resentment towards Himself brewing there, for I don't feel like he's been Sacrificing "as much" as I have. I challenged that resentment immediately: "So how many times have I asked for help on a Social Media platform? or in Real Life, for that matter?" I acknowledged I haven't asked for help near as much as he has, when push has come to shove. "Why not?" I asked next...and I don't have an answer to that question. Yet.

This is where I am now - what is the Block within me that prevents me from asking for help more?

Asking questions and receiving answers, which often lead to more questions, is how I do my Shadow Work. Finding the root of my Stinking Thinking solves half of the puzzle; then I know what I need to do to edit my Story, and how best to go about that. There will be a Part 2 to this, which will arise in the fullness of time. I just need to keep digging, keep writing, and keep percolating.

In the meantime, there is another week to look forward to, with one very special occasion set to unfold on Tuesday. :)

Day 2: on where I put my attention

Let me start this off by saying, I am a writer. I have not been focusing on writing anything for publication lately, but I have been journaling extensively. One of my practices (which I would like to bring a little more consistency to!) is writing Morning Pages during the early part of my day. I found a little gem today that I wanted to bring here...

In today's Pages, I found myself writing about Where I Am Putting My Attention. I realized that as a caregiver, my attention is all too often on the chaos around me: why is the Queen Mother yelling for me? Why is Himself needing me? Oh yes, it's time to feed the cats. Oh Goddess, what are they talking about on the TV now? (This last one is usually my signal to go into my room and play soothing music on Pandora.) I find myself putting more of my attention on the Chaos that is surrounding me and less of my attention on my needs, my thoughts, my self-care practices. Then I wonder why I get cranky and resentful.

When I do focus my attention on myself, I often run into what I call "Stinking Thinking" - I'm obsessing about our finances, or why is the Queen Mother being so pissy, or what Himself should have done instead of what he did do, or trying to figure out how to squeeze One More Chore on the to-do list, or obsessing about our finances - you get the idea. Is it any wonder that I need to find a distraction in the Chaos around me?! It takes an effort to shift OUT of Stinking Thinking and IN to considering Self-Care...what would best soothe and recenter me: coloring a mandala? Journaling? A good shake in the shower to get all of the Energetic Gunk out of my system? Going for a walk?

So with this wee reminder that I tend to focus on Chaos first, regardless of whether it's outside or inside, I can use the question, "Where Am I Putting My Attention?" as a prompt to redirect myself from the useless noisy Chaos and find something more Orderly, look in my toolbox of Self-Care, and choose something from that to consider instead. I know I have gotten way out of practice with Self-Care, and I need to get back into regular trips to the well of Self-Care if I'm going to make it through this odyssey.

Here's a small confession: I have forgotten So Much of what I used to do for Self-Care. It's like when I started taking this whole caregiving task seriously, all of my previous learning and research and  Wisdom went completely out the window. It's like my Journey of Spirit was erased in one swift stroke, and I went back to being an "ordinary" woman trying to cope with extraordinary demands, because Cancer and Dementia demand ALL of your attention, and then some! Now I am trying to regather the pieces of myself to see what is still here, what is salvageable, and what I need to toss. I am starting from Square One all over again, with this blog, with my Morning Pages, with a bare bones morning routine, and now with a prompt. Where Am I Putting My Attention now? and now? and oh yes, now?