Day 118: on a damp adventure day

It was another one of those mornings where, after I took care of the cats, I chose to stay up instead of going back to bed, as the alarm was going to go off in the next half-hour. So I started the water for my tea and enjoyed the Quiet, before the alarm went off and Himself got up. We needed to made it an early start to the day, because there was a bit of an adventure to be had.

We went down to La Jolla to a shopping mall that was a curious indoor/outdoor hybrid, one that we had visited many times, but had never explored in depth. Our destination was a door hidden between the large movie multiplex and a yoga studio, subtly marked as the "Community Room." Today, a group of men and women gathered as the Society of Addiction Professionals, which makes up the amusing acronym of SOAP. For both of us, this was a scouting mission, to see if we could add a couple of key pieces to the Recovery puzzle these folks are putting together. 

There were a pair of speakers today, sharing their experiences with their peers. I paid dutiful attention and made a couple of mental notes. When everyone was done, to my pleasant surprise, there was a spread of food that had appeared behind the rows of chairs, so folks were free to nosh and schmooze (eat and network) if they so chose. Of course, it was this part of the day that proved to be the most fruitful, as our presence was warmly welcomed. The food was good, but not quite enough, so Himself and I found our way up and out and adjourned to the Starbucks on the upper level. "Payday" had come for both of us, so we were able to enjoy some hot beverages, and I got a tomato & mozzarella panini which hit the spot. I enjoyed it in house as I watched the skies get darker and darker...

Our plan had been to get home before the rain began, but we didn't make it, as the skies opened up in earnest as we got on the freeway to go north. There was a sound and light show to accompany the rain; true to the forecast, this was a thunderstorm passing through. At one point, Himself made a pit stop while I stayed in the car and listened to the thunder and the rain. Marvelous, except that I had on the wrong shoes. Open-toed shoes are not the best to splash around in.

Before we got home, bills were paid, the gas tank was refilled, and Trader Joe's was visited. Once home, Himself and I took turns napping, though I don't think my nap was quite long enough. As nice as listening to the rain is from inside a car, it's even nicer listening to it from inside the house. It has stopped now, but is expected to return late tomorrow night and go through at least Saturday.

Despite not being quite prepared for the wet weather, I am satisfied with how the day unfolded. :) 

Day 117: on working through the day

A little more shifting around of schedules today, as we got a later start than expected...

Himself had a follow up appointment with his Neurologist today. We were making good time to the VA Medical Center until we got onto I-5 from the local bypass. There was a gnarly accident less than a mile ahead, and traffic was quickly coming to a standstill. Fortunately, we were able to take the first exit off of the freeway without too much fuss. Once we arrived at the VAMC, he got out of the car and I took the wheel to find parking. There seemed to be more folks than usual today, because parking was at a premium, even in the parking garage. I wound up parking on the roof of the garage, then made my way down and around to the side entrance. Himself had already gone back to see his doctor, but called for me to come back and be with him once I had texted that I was in the waiting area. The appointment itself was quick and painless.

Afterwards, we pooled our money together and wound up having just enough for me to get a personal-sized veggie pizza. (Food at the VAMC is at least half of the price you would pay anywhere else. You just have to be mindful of what you get.) He surprised me afterward by going to Torrey Pines State Beach, where he pulled out a ham sandwich that he had made at home, and we had a wee picnic by the Pacific. 

Before you ask: yes, he is Jewish, but ham is one of the few meats that actually agrees with him post-colon removal. There's some weird cosmic joke in that somewhere.

After our picnic, we beat most of the commuting traffic home, and arrived in plenty of time to fix dinner. Himself steamed some rice, and I took some of the rice and added white beans and corn to it, then added a simple salad to the dish. He added his rice to some sweet and sour chicken from Trader Joe's. Tomorrow, Himself is expecting to get paid, and we can do a bit more grocery shopping after we take care of a little bit of business.

It was a good day - yet there was some Heaviness that wanted to creep in around the edges. It was enough to throw me off of my game a little bit (but not horribly), and I was content to stay home for the rest of the day, after dinner. I did a little rearranging in the kitchen in the evening: looking over all of Himself's meds and gathering together what has expired. The VAMC in La Jolla has a blue box we can dump expired meds in, near their main entrance, so we'll be doing exactly that next trip. I prefer doing that rather than throwing anything in the trash, or worse, flushing anything down the toilet. I'm all for anything that will help dispose of medications in a responsible way.

I suspect the Heavies were acting as a sort of "spritual barometer," indicating a change in the weather ahead. We are expecting rain on three out of the next six days, and they are all going to cool off the temperatures significantly. I'm not looking foward to the rain, but I'll manage. I have managed so far. :)

Day 116: on a day suddenly opening up

I thought we were going to have an early day today, but Himself and I talked it over last night, and chose to sleep in a little. Sleeping in turned out to be even less of a deal than I thought. We had planned to attend an event, but I had written down the wrong date; it actually unfolds on Thursday instead of today. This led to both of us looking at our calendars and pretty well shifting the rest of the week around. When we were done, the only thing we had to do today was grocery shopping, and that was it.

I am grateful when I can get up and get moving at a leisurely pace, instead of having to be mindful of any appointments or other events. I am doubly grateful when a busy day suddenly empties out and swings wide open. I feel like I can breathe a little deeper and put down my burdens, even if just for one day.

I informed the Queen Mother of our change of plans, and she took advantage of the situation by taking a shower, and (as usual) kvetching about it for an hour or so afterwards. I figure there will come a time when I will have to get in the shower with her and do all of the work while she sits still, but that time is (fortunately) not Now.

Once the Queen Mother was clean and lotioned, I took my shower and got ready to go grocery shopping. I had to watch the prices very carefully, and get only necessities, but I came in below my allotted limit and took care of our immediate needs. I always feel satisfied when I can go in, get what is on the priority list, and not have to put anything back. Is it the willpower? Is it some successful Adulting? I would have to think on that to give you a definitive answer.

The cats were very happy that we came back with more food for them, and the Queen Mother was happy to have more ice cream. So a good trip all in all. ;)

Both Himself and I should be getting our monthly payments before the week is out, so I am not terribly worried about running out of anything. Today was a good day, another one I can add to the tally of good days vs. bad ones. I'm having more good days than bad now, so I call that Progress and grow even more content. :)

Day 115: on flipping the script

Shortly after I got up this morning, I checked the bank accounts and found that we had been overdrawn by a withdrawal of an automatic payment. This was not the way I wanted to start my day, especially my Monday, and I felt the Stinking Thinking wanting to take over and jump with me down the nearest rabbit hole. Instead, I called a conscious stop, brewed my cup of tea, and dove into my Morning Pages. I didn't come up with any miraculous solutions, but the act of writing helped to calm down and stay out of the rabbit holes.

After breakfast, I went to my credit union branch and explained my situation. I fully expected sympathy but no action; instead, I got sympathy and the reversal of not one, but two overdraft charges, leaving more money in my account than I had hoped for. I walked out pleasantly surprised and thinking that this might not be another horrid Monday after all...

I took care of some business on the computer, then made my phone calls. Almost all of them produced better than expected results: one place found where we were inadvertently being double-charged, and cancelled the charge that was no longer valid. Another place emailed me the forms I needed to fill out to get a hold of the Queen Mother's records. The one exception was to the Social Security office, so I could not make an appointment. It looks like the Queen Mother will have to visit in person, as a walk in, in order to get the information we need.

With all of my necessary items crossed off my to-do list for the day, I went into the kitchen and loaded dirty dishes into the dishwasher. I finished up after dessert had been eaten and started the dishwasher up. On top of everything else, I finished coloring my latest mandala.

So many days have started out crappy and gone downhill from there. Today was a flipping of the script - a bad start, but a good finish. Taking a few small breaks to stop and recenter helped immensely. :)

Day 114: on steeping in sisterhood

A bit of background: I have a good friend who runs a semi-formal circle, mainly for women and woman-oriented activities (though she offers some all gender activities as well) from a special studio she built on her property, and she lives about ten minutes away from me. She has been at it for 15 years and is going into her 16th year. She invited peeps to join her in an "envisioning ceremony" today, and several of us came together to discuss the future of this circle. She doesn't want it to die out when she does, down the line, so she wants to see how best we can carry it forward.

I have attended her rites and celebrations in the past. I co-created rituals with her for a year. I even trained under her to become an "official" Priestess. (I put official in quotes because I'm already a Priestess, but I wanted something in writing that I could show to anyone who asked.) So when she put the word out to consider what we could do to keep the magick going, of course I was going to be a Hell Yes! It was an opportunity to reconnect with friends I had lost touch with during some of the more challenging times over the past few years.

Originally, Himself was going to drop me off there and return home, but I double checked, and this wasn't a "woman-only" event. So I rang him up and invited him to come down. This time, he was the only man present, but I would not be surprised if other men came to join him in subsequent meetings, if only one or two others.

There was a delicious homemade quiche offered, along with a tasty salad, various fruits, and some yummy mint chocolate cookies. So we noshed and talked and brainstormed and opined...and it felt totally lovely to sink back in to the energy, which I have missed a lot. We came up with some good ideas and intriguing possibilities, and we all agreed to pursue this further. Personally, I took away some good energy in reconnecting with the energy and with my sisters, which I will need for this next week! 

I also intend to return next Sunday for the celebration of Imbolc, when we will gather to make Vision Boards. Yum! (Himself won't be attending that one.)

Day 113: on shifting my focus

I chose today to shift my focus away from the outside world and concentrate more on what was in front of me, at home. I had to get a business call out of the way first, and compose a to-do list for this aspect of my life for the next month.

Once I was finished, and breakfast was eaten, then I went to work in my "favorite" area of the house: the kitchen. I didn't get as much done as I had initially intended, but the bed linens got washed, the trash and some of the recycling got taken out, and I cleaned up the recycling area of the house. The dishes can abide till tomorrow. 

Inkblot "supervised" while I remade the Queen Mother's bed. I found one of the cats' little jingly balls under mom's dresser, so I fished it out and tossed it out in the hallway. Inkblot stared at the ball like he had no idea what to do with it, which is not true; he's just not as enthusiastic with playing with toy balls as much as his sister is. Sure enough, as I'm finishing up with the bed, Pippa started playing with the ball, if the jingling was any indication. Now they're both asleep on my bed, having taken full advantage of this sunny and warm Santa Ana day.

I had an early lunch and a late dinner, and am rather happy for the mental respite. Tomorrow I return my focus to the world outside my home, but in a good way: a meeting with friends to discuss pleasureable business. More to come on that... 

Day 112: on gathering more red tape

Today's information gathering excursion turned out to be a monumental waste of time. The Durable Power of Attorney that I have for the Queen Mother greases many wheels, but not all of them. I could not get the information I wanted from Social Security or the DMV, because they need to talk to the Queen Mother herself.

I can understand the reasoning why, because there are supremely dishonest people in the world, but when I'm just trying to validate basic information, and I'm told, "No, we need to speak with your mother personally," especially after the whirlwind week I've had, I was beyond frustrated. I couldn't even talk with her doctor's office, but that was because my phone kept cutting out while we were making our way home. :p

I'm trying to see if she was certified as Disabled before she began taking Social Security. I want to say she was, because I remember that she had disabled license plates on her car when I learned how to drive, back in 1998 (which is a story in itself; saving it for later), and she began to take Social Security when she opted for early retirement in 2004. Can I get anyone to agree with me? Not at the moment! (grrr...)

Somewhere along the line today, to provide a distraction for my short temper, either I dropped something on my foot or ran my foot into something, because the toenail on the second toe of my left foot looks more gnarly than usual, and feels horrid in a close-toed shoe. This toenail has been gnarly looking since college, nearly 20 years ago, but tonight it looks really bad, and seems to be about ready to fall off altogether. I'm keeping it in place for as long as I can, because I really don't want to bleed all over the house, so I have a bandaid on that toe for the moment. We'll see what happens. (It looks and sounds nastier than it actually is, trust me!)

I'm going to shelve the Epic Medi-Cal Quest till Monday, because I am totally over it right now, and I'm going to focus on more pleasant things this weekend. Hopefully I will be able to score some sort of outdoor time, because there's a mild Santa Ana this weekend, and everything is warming up nicely, in between the rainstorms. Come Monday I should be recharged enough to mount back up and return to tilting at the windmills; that's what it's felt like at times!

Day 111: on dispatching a nightmare

Himself and I attended the Queen Mother's Medi-Cal hearing today. I was going in not knowing exactly what was going to happen, and with the Deep Fear that I hinted at last night nipping at my heels: namely, I had a significant fear of being Judged, Convicted, and Punished. I am not terribly fond of official Authority Figures for this reason. The explanation for this fear is rather esoteric and convoluted, so I'll spare y'all the details, but I will be happy to discuss it privately.

So, the hearing...we arrived early, in case I had to wait forever for my number to be called. I met with the Appeals person who had been assigned to my case; she laid everything out in Plain English. We waited until the judge was ready, then entered. I will admit my shoulders dropped about a foot when I saw the judge was a woman. The appeals person talked first, then we responded, and had a very good discussion.

The wheels of bureaucracy turn slowly, and we were inspired with a couple of options to pursue - One I somehow hadn't thought of before, and one I had pursued earlier, but had dismissed as "unworkable." Having had it explained to me more distinctly, I see that it might be very workable. So to see whether or not this latter option is indeed workable, Himself and I will be making a wee trip to the DMV tomorrow. More to come...

I left the County office not just relieved, but reinvigorated. Everyone I've interacted with so far has been very nice and very patient with this somewhat overwhelmed and confused caregiver. I press on in my Epic Quest. I walked through a nightmare and watched it dissolve as I emerged on the other side.

The complicated part of the day came with our subsequent trip down to the VA Medical Center, as Himself needed to renew several of his medications. To summarize, one was delayed (but he got it renewed), and one was missing (and supposedly expired, so he will need to talk to his Primary doctor about that next week). Eventually we made it out, and eventually we made it home, rather late for dinner. The Queen Mother was a bit miffed, but settled down once her food was on the table. 

Pharmacy hijinx aside, today was a much better day than I thought it was going to be. Now to double check for the Queen Mother at the DMV tomorrow. :)

Day 110: on feeling vexed

The direct deposit arrived today, so we managed to restock what we needed to with groceries and filled up the tank with gas. I also spoke with SDG&E on behalf of the Queen Mother, and we are re-enrolled in their special cost-cutting program for another two years. Those are the good things that happened today.

The vexing part was the call to AARP. Apparently, since the Queen Mother already has a supplemental insurance plan, which we chose years ago, she can't "double dip" and get an additional plan. Apparently I was unclear about the whole Supplemental Insurance concept, so at the hearing tomorrow, I won't have anything to offer. Needless to say, I had a nice freakout over it all, as yet more Deep Fear had an opportunity to be recognized and rise to the surface. (More on that later.) 

I had thought briefly about blogging earlier, and I'm glad I didn't, because it would have sounded rather apocalyptic. Fortunately, a friend of ours who also happens to be in the Union that supports IHSS Providers called and talked to me. She didn't talk me off of the cliff, as I had already come down from the cliff at that point, but she did help to settle some jangled nerves, and she has offered further assistance tomorrow after the hearing. I plan to call her and stragetize, because I believe I will need it.

Can I say I'm not fond of trying to learn as I go? I prefer to have things mapped out before I take a plunge. With this part of the odyssey, though, I am, to borrow a sister blogger's phase, pantsing it - that is, navigating by the seat of my pants. I can only hope that I can pass along my experience down the line to some other caregiver who is entering the arena for the first time; that would make this hot mess of a Quest worthwhile.

I'm also glad that I'm allergic to alcohol, or I would have found a bottle to crawl into long before this, and not wanted to come out. I guess that's why I drink Arnold Palmers (tea + lemonade) and frappucchinos instead. :p

At any rate, whatever prayers you can send for tomorrow, at 1pm Pacific Time, would be most appreeciated. In the meantime, you'll find me in a mandala, coloring away... 

Day 109: on coming out from under

The Heavies from yesterday followed me into today. :p

Basically, I'm waiting on a direct deposit from the State to replenish my account so I can take care of the essentials (like grocery shopping), as well as to get the Queen Mother signed up with her supplemental insurance. I was advised she would need to rejoin AARP in order to take advantage of the insurance. The fee to rejoin is not horrid, but as I currently have less than a dollar in the bank, it's Not Doable at the moment. Add to that the fact the Queen Mother's Medi-Cal hearing is this Thursday, and I'm more than a little antsy about that money coming in, hopefully sooner rather than later! Fortunately, Himself found a small check that he was able to deposit today, so we were able to nip to Trader Joe's and grab a few essentials.

Yesterday and part of today, I felt like I was back in the 2018 dumpster fire again: money all around me, but swirling just out of reach, and no knowing exactly when I would be getting any of it. I think I'm making progress in moving forward in my life and replenishing my well, but when something like this happens, I see how little progress I've made after all, and I find myself stuck like the turtle on my back, limbs flailing as I try to find purchase on something, anything, to grab onto and right myself. 

Today, though, I did find purchase, and righted myself. I took a nap during the day and woke up to get the Queen Mother's dinner ready. Usually I try to keep going, and wind up crashing, totally mentally and emotionally spent, in the evening, after dinner; of course, this doesn't help my trying to get a good night's sleep one bit. With the daytime nap, though, I felt as though I finally had a chance to unclench, and take full breaths again. 

Now I am listening to some "meditative" music on Pandora, something I am beginning to practice consistently this year: from roughly 6:30 to 7:30 in the evening, I'm in my room, listening to my calm music instead of the news, which the Queen Mother chooses instead. I call it my Sanity Hour. ;)

I'm going to tidy up a bit when I'm done here, check on the Queen Mother, then settle back in and color some more of my latest mandala. Tomorrow is indeed another day, and hopefully, one with money! 

Day 108: on feeling a step off

It was definitely a typical Monday, if there is such a thing.

Today I felt like I was a step off in everything. I didn't get a whole lot of sleep overnight, so that put me behind the 8-ball to begin with. Most everything I wanted to accomplish today had to be postponed until Tuesday, thanks to key holiday closures. The Queen Mother was in a mood today, and I responded badly to it. Himself was not feeling his best, and I responded badly to that too. I tried a few tricks to avoid Depression, but I wound up going down that rabbit hole anyway. (not very far down, but still)

I would say the eclipse last night brought up a lot of the old patterns from last year, and with everything being quieter than usual due to the holiday, I fell back into the snarly knee-jerk reactions that I had cultivated during the more stressful times. Feeling Stuck all the time is tiring, and I want to move past that and unstick. Hopefully, with business returning to usual tomorrow, I will feel like I'm moving again. Today was not a good day, and I'm glad that it's almost over.

I think I will call this a post, and save any further kvetching for my Morning Pages. Until the morrow...

Day 107: on being in a rebuilding phase

We are a bit more than halfway through the new year, and I feel like I'm in a Rebuilding phase. I have let go of a lot of stuff from the past few years, and a lot has been sandblasted off of me over the past few years. I feel rather empty, yet cleaned up and ready to be refilled. My question is, with what?

One of the reasons I composed a "100 Things " list was to mine my previous dreams and goals for clues as to what remains within me, now that the Dumpster Fire has all but burned out. I found a little girl who still wants to create, but perhaps not in ways she previously has. I found the Priestess, a bit banged up and bruised, perhaps, but she still carries Magick within her spirit. I found a woman who wants to travel with her husband and have new adventures. I found a social butterfly, her wings pumping to get some life back into them, after staying folded for a long time. I found these aspects of myself that I was afraid I had lost.

My challenge is to navigate the rebuilding in situ, while life continues to unfold around me. Just because this Dumpster Fire is out doesn't mean there aren't hot spots buried deep in the rubble, or that other dumpsters won't catch fire on their own accord. 

Case in Point: I received letters from the County of San Diego office yesterday. According to them, all of the answers I have gathered are now moot, because the questions have been changed. There are three different options for the Queen Mother now, and her Social Security paymet looks like it's too much for all of them. My initial reaction on seeing these letters was, What the Actual Fuck! (pardon my Swahili) 

My new bestie the Pragmatist chimed in as I began to eye the familiar rabbit holes: "Look, call AARP, get a quote from them, take the quote to the county and see what that number will get us. We can move forward from there." Sensible plan. Now I want to go to the hearing, if for no other reason than to get someone there to sit down and explain what is going on in Plain English. My working hypothesis is that they are rolling out April's new Federal Poverty guidelines now, to minimize the hot mess that is gaining momentum in DC and theatening to spill over even more into the other states. So we shall see what happens this week.

Despite all of this, my initial impulse this time is not to isolate, but to reach out, reconnect, sympathize in some areas, but also to return to communities beyond mere support groups. I've done the surviving part; more and more, I want to return to a place of Thriving again. For the first part of this year, I will need to limit myself to "free" activities, especially if I come up with a solution to the Queen Mother's Medi-Cal that everyone can live with. The second part of the year looks much brighter, at least in this moment, and I am happy to go with that.

I'm going to see if I can work up some old-fashioned momentum and get as much done as I can, on a holiday that some folks don't really want to celebrate. It may be hit and miss tomorrow, but if nothing else, my ducks should all be in a row come Tuesday, when business will be back to usual. Pray that I find that magic number!

Day 106: on a quick word

I have been full today - of yummy food, of the support of friends, of naps and stillness, of coloring a new mandala. I'm still digesting, and the words don't seem to want to come together quite yet. So I will let the digestion continue, and perhaps be better able to gather up words to put on the page tomorrow.

It's a happy fullness this time, and not a depressed one, but I'm loath to disturb it too much more. So I will type this sentence and declare myself complete for tonight. :)

Day 105: on some more successful adulting

It's a very good thing I utilize the phone on my calendar, because it wasn't until after I had logged off yesterday that I realized the Queen Mother had her quarterly doctor's appointment today! These days I allow an hour for her to get dressed, get into her trusty "chariot," get her to the car, help her into the car, drive to the doctor's office, get her out of the car, get her back into her "chariot," and get her wheeled up to the office in time for her appointment. It's as elaborate and exhausting as it reads.

Good news: the Queen Mother has gained a little weight since her last visit. Possibly not so good news: her blood pressure went up a little more than I would have liked. The doctor wasn't concerned, but I will keep an eye on it. It's my intuition giving me a little nudge, you know? We paid a visit to Radiology afterwards, to get an X-ray of her middle back and see if she had any compression fractures that might be causing her pain. Fortunately, there weren't any. Aside from sticking with what we're doing, I will need to find a B-complex vitamin that isn't the size of a horse pill sometime next week, per the doctor's recommendation.

Meanwhile, in the Epic Medi-Cal Quest, I spoke with a nice and helpful lady in the Appeals department, who explained things in a way that made a whole lot of sense: the Federal Poverty line is reset each April, not January, so it was that reset that increased the amount the Queen Mother's income was over the line by tenfold, but no one informed us about this until October. So our appeal is to make sure we have the last year covered, to ensure the state doesn't start asking for their money back. I believe I will have the required supplemental insurance ready to present to the Medi-Cal folks early next week, so that should take care of this particular Quest. Then we will have to see what the guidelines become for this coming April...and I really hope we don't have to do this whole dog and pony show again. :p

The whole process has become this larger-than-life game where everyone I interact with gives me a piece of the puzzle, and my road map becomes clearer and better defined as I put the pieces together.

I kind of botched dinner this evening, as I didn't quite follow the directions on the bag of garlic pasta shells, and I didn't realize that the seasoning wasn't in its own little individual packet, to be added once the pasta was cooked. I managed to salvage it enough, as the shells were still edible, and the salad was good. After dinner, Himself and I went to our usual Friday night meetings, and mine was rather good. I can feel like total crap before I go, but when the meeting is over, I feel refreshed and reinvigorated. This too is a source of support, even if some of the connections aren't as tight as in some of my other groups.

Speaking of - tomorrow the Sunday group that Himself and I attend are gathering for our "annual" luncheon. I'm looking very much forward to good food eaten in good company. The rest of the day will be played by ear, but I'm sure we'll manage quite nicely. :)

Day 104: on making a list of "100 things"

Today was mainly a rainy day. There was a gap in the downpour this morning, and Inkblot chose that moment to ask to be let outside. I let him out, and realized that it was a lot brighter than usual, because it was a lot later than usual - 9:40am, in fact! I had a choice: to go back to sleep for 20 minutes, or to go ahead and start my day. I chose to embrace this gift of Quiet Time that I had been given and moved into the day, starting with a shower, feeding Pippa (the much smarter cat of the household), and easing into my Tea and Morning Pages ritual. I actually finished writing in the pages before the Queen Mother arose, as the rest of the household rose and began to shine much later than I had.

Yesterday and today I have been doing an exercise I learned from a planner I have gotten in the past, and will get again in the future, when I have the means to do so. It's writing down a list of things to do in 2019, whch can range to the most basic and practical to the most elaborate and fantastic. I have actually gone back through some old lists and found things I didn't do, sat with them to see which were still doable and which I needed/wanted to let go of, and wrote down those that still sparked a little in my heart. Many of the things from the older lists turned out to be creative in nature, something that found a deep resonance in my spirit, as creating artsy things has been the furthest thing from my mind these last few years!

I combined those things with things that I would like to do for myself as a Caregiver, as well as things I would like to do to make myself healthier, things that I would like to start doing again, and things that I need to do once we get some decent money coming into the house again. It took a couple of days, but I did come up with 100 things that were not repeats or reiterations of earlier items.

A random sampling of a few of these items:
4) Read Mark Twain's Autobiography (which I still haven't done)
87) Get new glasses and sunglasses (the latter pair snapped in half last year)
36) Drink half my weight in water
77) Retrieve (from storage) and resume my art journal (combining words with hand-drawn pictures brings a whole new dimension to my journaling practice)
58) Get rid of all electronic waste (taking items to a special recycler instead of just dumping them in the trash)
You get the idea.

It was a good day today. Though we got to the support group a little later than I would have liked, the group was small, and I was still able to share at length. It was misty off and on this evening, and I got a nice "mood shot" for my Daily Story. Between the easy pace, the composing of my list, and the support group, I am feeling a measure of peace and serenity. There are still challenges ahead, but they feel much more achievable now.

Tomorrow is supposed to be partly to mostly sunny for much of the day, so there will be a change in the weather, and the start of a drying out period. There are one or two things that we will need to do outside of the house, but I might also do a little wandering about. We shall see...

Day 103: on finding some motivation

I got a good night's sleep last evening into morning, something that had been eluding me recently. Waking up feeling moderately refreshed makes a world of difference. I got going a bit later than I had intended, but this time I managed to cross several items off of my to-do list.

One item I took care of was finding a good possibility in supplemental insurance, through the good folks of AARP. I will be phoning them tomorrow. I am also currently playing phone tag with a lady in the Appeals department at Medi-Cal; we might actually have something for them at the hearing next week!

I also paid a quick visit to Trader Joe's in the afternoon, to grab ourselves some tea. We are a tea family; even Himself is drinking more tea, especially in the morning, because coffee is becoming a bit too acidic for his stomach to handle. With the tea and a few other necessities in the bag, we got home and had dinner. (I assembled the Queen Mother's dinner before Himself and I left.)

I have some paperwork to drop off at the County Health & Human Services office tomorrow, and will try to do that before the rain starts up again tomorrow afternoon. I'm also looking forward to my caregiver support group tomorrow, since Himself's "Appointment Week" diverted me from attending last week's group. I try to attend a group every week; the two groups I found are not in the same location, but they both fit in to the schedule nicely - at least, when there aren't any appointments scheduled.

Good day overall. They're starting to outnumber the bad ones... :)

Day 102: on an un-rushed day

Another easy day today. :)

Between my Morning Pages and my journal, I did a lot of mental decluttering. It's interesting how some things I discovered early on in my Shadow Work have resurfaced in this Odyssey, and how much I wound up forgetting, thanks to all of the "cortisol baths" my brain has taken over the past two-ish years. I meet the lessons again, on a different level of the spiral, and my epiphanies feel familiar, and still ring true.

It feels like I have had a lot of Fear cleared out of me. Now I can see where I started projects and other things out of a place of Fear, so of course they weren't going to work out. I see where I have moved from Resistance into Acceptance and life has flowed Much More Easily, and with a modicum of Grace. There are still places where I am experiencing Resistance in my life; there are good times to work on switching to Acceptance, and there are times when I need to let the Resistance have a say, and see what I am resisting, and why. I sorted out a lot in my mental closet today, and reaffirmed a few things, and saw how a few other things now make a whole lotta sense. (Perhaps I'll be a little less vague at a future time.)

I did have to do a bit of grocery shopping today, so I prodded Himself into action, and we stepped out (into a bit of rain) and got the most necessary things. The rest can abide for later in the week, when I have a bit more wiggle room in the account. I am, however, still in the positive, and that's the most important thing.

The rain let up, but is now falling again, light but steady. I no longer feel like I need to hibernate my way through the wet weather, as my Moontime has come to an end for this month. Granted, I didn't get much, if any, "practical work" done today, but sometimes the Inner Work needs to get done first, before the Outer Work can be tackled.

We will see what the morrow brings, besides more rain... ;)

Day 101: on the lure of hibernating

It's been raining on and off today, and actually just started again a few minutes ago...and for much of this day, all I've wanted to do is sleep. It's something about cold wet windy weather that tempts me to shut down for a day or three and stay in bed. I got a nap in, but it's not the same.

I did manage to perk up now and again, and got a few things done: the laundry is cleaned and hung up, the Queen Mother has had her shower, and I checked off a few things from my weekly list, instead of postponing everything till Tuesday. More often than not, though, I wanted to leave Responsibility outside of the door and just sleep.

Pardon me for not being more exciting in this entry, but when the Queen Mother goes to bed, I will be following her lead. Perhaps the rain will be my lullaby this evening.

On *100* Days of Blogging!

I'm pleasantly surprised that I've arrived at one hundred days of blogging. There have been days when I didn't want to sit and blog, and days when I didn't think I would to be able to squeeze a blog post in, but I have persevered through it all, and have typed out at least a handful of words for every day since I started. Yay me. :)

I'm also surprised that I still have actual readers of this blog, day in and day out. I don't think I intended it to be a faithful report of The Daily Grind, but I didn't want to sugarcoat my Caregiving journey. I didn't want to come in on a given day and say "All Is Well" when all actually and totally sucked huge moldy cheese balls. Having said that, I can only hope that my Odyssey thus far hasn't sounded like one huge and never-ending pity party.

Although I long suspected that I would wind up taking care of my mother in her dotage, I did not anticipate that my actual initiation into the World of Caregiving was going to be through my Husband's cancer experience, nor did I think I would have to "switch gears" from looking after Himself to looking after the Queen Mother so quickly. Whereas Caregiving for him was more like a sprint, especially in comparison, Caregiving for her is shaping up to be an epic Ultra-Marathon. My grandmother (my mom's mom) lived until she was 95; although no one expects the Queen Mother to live that long, that possibility IS on the table (and I would be 65 at that point). Only Goddess knows how much longer the Queen Mother will be extant on this side of the equation, and She hasn't given me any clues as to when mom will be shuffling off her mortal coil. (Both of us have asked, believe me!)

The Uncertainty has been one of my greatest challenges - on the one hand, I have been absolutely convinced that I am Not At All suited to be a Caregiver, and that I'm throwing the best years of my life away. On the other hand, I am certain that I can and will get through this, and that this will inform and deepen my life in ways I have yet to understand. Slowly I move more toward the latter view and away from the former view. I am definitely in this for the long haul. Now the question is, how do I navigate this: with a modicum of grace, or kicking and screaming the whole way through? Kicking and Screaming, I have found, has simply flooded my system with cortisol and sent me down the rabbit hole of Depression more times than I can count. I'm changing gears and trying out Grace for a while; so far, it's working a lot better. :)

I had planned on writing lovely lyrical philosophical things, and reports of marvelous miracles, when I started this blog. Those entries have been few and far between, but perhaps I needed to haul myself out of the muck of Despair first before I could be that clear channel of wonderful words. I wlll say that Blogging on the Daily has been a strong lifeline, along with my renewed commitment to my Morning Pages. I also believe there has been a change of tone from the first day until now. Perhaps it's been subtle, perhaps fleeting, but I do seem to be bouncing back a wee bit quicker from Life's curveballs so far in 2019. I can only hope the momentum continues forward.

As for this day itself - I talked myself into going to my usual Sunday Support Group, and was glad I did. There is a labyrinth being built at the church we meet at, and I will definitely be walking it when it's ready. I took a picture of it for my Daily Story on Messenger. After we were done, we made a quick stop at Wal-Mart, then arrived home in plenty of time for getting the Queen Mother's dinner ready. I ate the rest of my Mock Chili, along with a green salad, for my dinner. I also put some procrastination to bed as I gathered together the latest stack of papers and sorted everything out. The paper trail is never-ending, and at least half of it goes into recycling. I am pretty ready for the new week, though; I just need to look at my weekly to-do list out and update it.

Looking very much forward to starting a new week with a bit of enthusiasm to Get Stuff Done, and do some necessary legwork. With the first of several days' worth of rain starting tomorrow, it will be a very good day to "work from home," if you will. :) 

Day 99: on a rainy saturday

The first of several days of ran unfolded today, mainly in the morning to early afternoon. I enjoy the rain the most when I can observe it from indoors. ;)

Much of my morning was taken up by a business call; fortunately, my phone was on mute most of the time, so I was able to get breakfast together for the Queen Mother, and get my breakfast together by degrees. I was finished with the call by about 12:30.

Today I gathered up trash and recycling from the master bathroom, the Queen Mother's bathroom, and her bedroom. One of the items of recycling was taking down a mini "tower " of cardboard glove boxes that had built up over the past few months. (Himself gets medical gloves from the VA to help with his bathroom hygiene.) As I got each box ready to recycle, I was met with an unexpected surprise: a lizard had taken up residence in one of the boxes! I suspect one of the cats had brought it in, and it had eluded being lunch by hiding in our bathroom. I was surprised to see it alive and hale! So I took it outside (after it had stopped raining) and I released it atop a low brick wall across the way. It was long gone when I stepped out a few minutes later to double check. I finished up by rearranging a few things in our bathroom.

I made a second round of Mock Chili for dinner. This time I used black beans and kept the "bean juice" to add a bit of flavor. I was going to have it with some pre-cooked quinoa, but it had gone very bad, so I combined it with some rice instead. I also added a bit of salsa for spice, and it turned out to be delicious.

Before blogging this evening, I had a bit of a nap, as the sense of Tired I was feeling finally became too much to ignore, and I found myself getting cranky with the Queen Mother. I'll be off to bed at my usual time, no worries.

We're not expecting any rain tomorrow, but it is forecast to restart on Monday, and could possibly go all week. We haven't received a lot of rainfall as of late, so it will go a long way toward replenishing some of our reservoir lakes. We will be grateful, but the cats - not so much. ;)

Day 98: on keeping my claws in

Today was one of those days where I was a little bit tired, and I felt a little bit introverted, and the Queen Mother and Himself seemed to have horrid timing. There were times when I wanted to come out of my room with claws out, ready to shred to pieces anyone who disturbed my Me Time! Fortunately, I managed to keep my temper, and pull my claws back in. Eating at my regular times helped as well.

I finished my mandala today. Here it is...

Overall, I'm pleased with the results.

Himself played phone tag with the attorney working on his VA case (trying to show he has carpal-tunnel in both hands, not just his right hand), but never got in touch with him. He'll try again Monday, hoping for the best but expecting the worst.

Other than finishing the Mandala, not a whole lot of note happened today. I'm looking forward to sleeping after I put the Queen Mother to bed. We'll see if I can be slightly more productive tomorrow...

Day 97: on a good easy day

It's the first full day of my Moonflow, and I didn't feel super heavy, slow, or melancholy. I find that when I'm given an opportunity to truly rest, and I'm not rushed into any sort of activity, I'm able to keep an even keel much more effectively throughout the day, especially during my Moontime!

I spent much of today coloring in the mandala I had started on Monday, while Himself was getting his PET scan. I made some bold choices toward the end; as the full moon during a lunar eclipse is more often than not red-orange in color (Google it for some spectacular pictures), I made that choice with some of my moons. I'll post the finished picture in the next day or so.

Speaking of Himself, the Oncology case manager called both of us with his test results: all of his bloodwork in regard to his cancer came back happily normal. He had a normal PSA, which means that the "minimal activity" they picked up on the PET scan is indeed related to his tailbone (and surrounding areas) mending. He has been tumor free for 2 1/2 years, and he will be celebrating his 2 year end-of-chemo anniversary at the end of this month. Though we are over the moon happy with him being cancer free, he's still dealing with some of the lingering side effects of his chemotherapy, and he has an appointment with his general doctor next week to discuss that.

I also puttered around in the kitchen a little, putting away clean dishes and corralling some of the recycling together. Maybe I'll load some dishes into the dishwasher tomorrow to get that ball rolling. We'll see how I feel.

Yes, I could have spiralled back into Depression earlier this week, but I made a concerted effort NOT to, and I am continuing my way out of that rut. I find myself able to bounce back a bit quicker than before each time life starts to get Heavy, and I catch it before I go bounding back down the rabbit hole. For this, I am grateful. :)

Day 96: on small favors

Today felt like it was going to be one of those Heavy Days when I first woke up, partially because I didn't really want to get up, since I was beginning to bleed in earnest. I exercised a bit of patience, though, and as soon as the Queen Mother was settled in with breakfast, and I was settled in with my tea, I took to my Morning Pages and wrote a nice long pitiful rant about one of my favorite subjects - the complete idiocy that is the Medi-Cal system today.

When I was done, I was visited by my Inner Pragmatist. Yes, I will give it the old college try, one more time, to find something that will be acceptible by Medi-Cal standards to bring the Queen Mother back under The Line. However, bridging a $12 gap is one thing; bridging a gap ten times as wide is another matter entirely. Is it really worth the loss of income in the face of the monthly march of bills? If I don't find anything, and I have to stop being an Official Paid Provider for the Queen Mother, is it going to be that big of a loss in the light of her increased monthly Social Security payment, which will actually help with the bills? If I don't succeed, perhaps I won't be that disappointed after all.

Himself went on to his chiropractic appointment while I was pulling myself together, then I joined him when we went down to the VA Medical Center for the next round of appointments. While he was getting his monthly port flushing (he still has his chemo port, and actually prefers using it when necessary, instead of having a nurse trying to find a useful vein in his arm), we were visited by the Oncology case manager. His PET scan results didn't show anything untoward in his gastro-intestinal system (YES!), but she said there was a "little bit of activity" around his prostate...which could be explained by the fact that he fell straight onto his tailbone the day after Christmas, two weeks ago. They called for a PSA test to be sure, but there's a good possibility that he's still clear and in remission. We will know tomorrow for sure. The best news: we wouldn't have to return tomorrow morning to the VAMC, as Oncology is way overbooked.

"Appointment Week" then came to an early conclusion after a follow up visit to the Pain Clinic, where Himself's protocols were reviewed, and new Authorizations to continue Acupuncure, Chiropractic, and Physical Therapy were written up and sent off. We made it home in decent time, getting off the freeway just before all the traffic backed up due to a major accident that had shut down the entirety of Northbound I-15!

I munched on some dry stuffing (basically it's like croutons before you add water and cook it) as I got the dinners for the Queen Mother and myself ready, while Himself steamed some rice to have with his mock chicken. I had some tea with my dinner, courtesy of an error from Starbucks, when I ordered a tall black tea and they gave me a Treinta (extra large) tea instead. Yes, I had tea for days.

I noticed these little details - the tea mixup, the pragmatic perspective, the ending of appointment obligations, and the fortuitous exiting of the freeway - along with the golden light as sunset approached, and the antics of my cats. Going Small has helped me to see these Love Notes from the Universe when I might have otherwise missed them, and I will take all of the cheering up and recentering that I can get.

Tomorrow is an open day for much of the day, and it will also be my first Heavy Bleeding day. Perfect Timing. :)

Day 95: on feeling like a fool

Today did not go as expected.

Yes, I cleared up the paperwork I wanted to, turning a huge pile into a bag filled with essentials. Yes, I made the phone call earlier today - and that's where everything went sideways.

We have been looking for supplemental insurance for the Queen Mother that will get her back under the "Federal Poverty" line. I was given an amount that we had to cover. I have been thinking that I take this amount, divide it by twelve, and find a policy to cover each smallish portion per month. I was advised today that I had to cover the original amount each month to get her back under the line. This is why I feel like a fool, because I have been operating under this misunderstanding since November. Realizing that I made a mistake has been the most excruciating part of the whole day, and I'm not in a space right now to bounce back from this easily. Once again, ye olde ego has taken a pounding.

So I have to make a few more phone calls than I initally intended. So there is the possibility that I won't find what I'm looking for, and I will have to admit defeat, and quit being the Queen Mother's paid Provider. (I would still be looking after her, but I just wouldn't be paid to do it.) That's probably also part of what's eating at me, that there might not be a "payoff" to all of my hard work.

I step back into "Appointment Week" tomorrow - and I also start bleeding in earnest tomorrow. Oh what fun. :p

Day 94: on keeping those appointments

We resumed Himself's "Appointment Week" ant-free and freshly showered. I talked myself out of, then back in to, washing my hair, and I'm glad I did. I get a subtle boost when I'm able to honor my basic needs, and I look ten times better with clean hair than with not-so-clean hair. I wound up doing the driving, as Himself had stayed up later than he had planned, partly because he was freaking out over the possible results of the PET scan, and partly because he had neglected to take his night-time meds. He can be a very curious creature at times...

At any rate, we both made the drive down with empty tummies, as he wasn't allowed to eat after midnight, and I wasn't going to torture him with food he couldn't eat. There was a choice parking spot that just happened to be waiting for us, so I got a chance to practice my parallel parking with the help of the car's wee camera mounted above the license plate. I situated myself within the boundaries of the disabled spot (as both Himself and the Queen Mother are Officially Disabled), so I will take that as a win. ;)

We were a little late to his appointment, but the waiting room was all but empty, and remained empty for most of Himself's session. Once he had been taken back to start the scan, I went down to the coffee shop and got a Chai Tea Latte (with soymilk - they aren't yet offering coconut milk at the VAMC) with an apple-cinnamon muffin. I ate the muffin, then went back up and made myself at home in the waiting room, where I chose my next mandala to color in and went to work. I realized that I had forgotten to pack one of the small pencil sharpeners in my pencil box, so a few small places of coloring needed to wait until I could get home and give my pencils sharper points.

About two hours later, Himself emerged from his procedure, and we went down to the main cafeteria to see what they had for lunch. I got a veggie hummus wrap (which wasn't bad, it just had a LOT of hummus in it) and a bag of chips, while Himself grabbed a turkey sandwich to go with his chips. We split a chocolate pudding parfait for dessert. One thing I can say about the VA's cafe, the food is rather cheap, and you often get what you pay for. Sometimes that's a good thing; other times, not so much. Today it was decent.

I saved about a third of the wrap for later, and we headed to the second appointment of the day: a follow up with General Surgery, the department that had performed Himself's first surgery: the removal of his colon and appendix, the latter having become the size of a cucumber. (Apparently the cancer had jumped first thing into his appendix, instead of spreading more widely through his body, which is probably one of the reasons he's still alive today.) I colored a bit more of my mandala as we waited, and also as he was examined.

They didn't find anything untoward, so we made a final stop at the coffee shop (for his strategic caffeine infusion), and wrangled our way around some road construction to make our way home. See, the VA Medical Center is on the University of Califonia, San Diego campus, and the trolley is being extended from San Diego up to UCSD, the VAMC, and La Jolla. This necessitates detours from time to time, which snarls up traffic, which was compounded today by students returning from Winter Break.

We got home a bit late, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been, for the Queen Mother said she was not feeling well, and had not felt well all day. Instead of her regular dinner, I heated up some chicken broth for her to drink. She did later perk up enough to ask for her usual chocolate ice cream, though. Himself went down to San Diego for a meeting, and I stayed home to keep an eye on mom. I later grabbed a package of mock chicken "morsels," heated them up in the oven, and had them with some rice, along with the rest of my lunch. After dinner, I sharpened several of my pencils and colored in the smaller spaces that needed sharp points. Here's what my mandala looked like when I finished for today:

I expect to color in some more when we return to the VAMC on Wednesday for the next round of appointments.

Tomorrow is appointment-free, so I'm declaring it an "Administration Day" to use for phone calls and to go through the various letters and papers that have been quietly waiting for me to tend to them. I will need to do a bit of grocery shopping as well, but that won't take all day, and will probably serve as a nice change of pace.

Thus do we move forward into the new year... :)

Day 93: on having a slightly off day

I thought I had licked the ant problem last night. I was wrong. They were invading Himself's coffee maker today, and I found that they had invaded the electric part of my electric teakettle, meaning I wouldn't be able to get them out without flushing them out, which would ruin the kettle entirely. I had to toss the teakettle and go on a spraying and wiping rampage in the kitchen. I still don't know if Himself's coffee maker will be salvageable yet. Although I have removed ALL possible crumbs they might try to get their little antennae on, I can't tell where they're coming in, except that they seem to be behind the cupboards, or way in the back of them at the very least. :p

I wound up filling up one of my small pots and using it as an ersatz kettle to boil water in, both for my tea and for my oatmeal. Between losing my trusty electric kettle, rampaging all over the kitchen, and chatting online with a friend who is going through challenges halfway around the world, I didn't get a good start to the day, and I was a bit out of sorts the entire day. I also acknowledge 1) It's been something of a high-vibe week, that culminated in yesterday's birthday party, and 2) I haven't gotten as much sleep as I would have liked for the past few nights. So I've been a little tired all day. Let me just take a moment to accept that...

I did manage to get myself some tea and breakfast before tidying up the dining room table and taking out the trash. I read the parts of the Sunday paper I wanted to over dinner.

I also did a bit of an experiment: I have participated in a friend's "plan out your year" program for about four or five years, and have saved bits of the old books along the way. One of the activities in the program is to write a list of "100 things to do" during the year. I went through some of the old lists that I had to see what had been done in the time since I first filled out the lists, what could not be done anymore, and what I had yet to do. In gathering the yet-to-be-done things together, I found many of them were creative, arty projects that I had once intended to do, but inadvertently left behind (once I met my husband, and/or once everything began to go haywire). I found myself wondering if any of those forgotten projects could be brought forth and realized, so that's percolating in the back of my head. I came up with 63 things total, which would be a good foundation for a 2019 version of the list! I plan to return to the list later in the week.

It feels like I will be turning in once the Queen Mother is safely in bed, which is a good thing, as tomorrow is Himself's PET scan, and I will need to drive him home. I will be taking my mandala coloring book with me and starting a new mandala. If I'm fortunate, I'll be able to wash my hair before we need to hit the road.

Day 92: on ringing in the new

Himself and I have just returned from a friend's birthday party. It was lovely seeing folks we knew, and making friends with folks we didn't know. After we got home, though, I found that some ants had snuck into the house, and were crawling all over my teakettle, and were setting up to crawl all over Himself's coffee maker! So I had to tend to them quickly before coming in and blogging.

I had arranged to Skype with a friend earlier today, and then I was going to do some online work. It turned out I did the online work before talking with my friend, and I may have finally found a solution to the Queen Mother's ongoing Med-Cal challenge, with a potential bonus to boot! I need to make a phone call or two to check things out, but I'm feeling hopeful for the first time in a long while.

I got the dishes in the dishwasher and started it up before we left for the party. Our friend's house turned out to be closer than I had thought, which was a good thing. It was starting to rain when we left for the party, and was coming down at a pretty good clip when we returned home.

One of my intentions this year is to be More Sociable. I have been isolated, more or less, for a few years now, so to see and to be seen, and to have conversations with other reasonably functional adults, is like water to a very thirsty plant. My roots are drinking up all of the water and beginning to bring vital moisture to wilted leaves. I rejuvenate, gratefully.

Tomorrow will be a quieter day, perfect to do some more in-depth planning. Tonight, ants notwithstanding, I am content.

Day 91: on ringing out the old

First, what happened today: Himself kicked off "Appointment Week" with a follow up appointment with the dietician. They discussed where he had made progress and where he still needed to do some work. He will follow up again in three months. We also straighened out a wee snag with his blood pressure medication (a version of which had been recalled recently). We got home a bit late, but everyone managed to have dinner before it was time for our weekly meetings.

Once home, I set to work finishing my Year in Review process, which turned out to be a YearS in Review, as the Dumpster Fire that was 2018 for me had its roots in earlier years. I saw how this process actually started back in 2014, and devoted a few days to write it all out, one day per year, and then a day to synthesize it all. I saw how I was still trying to recover from work stress (in 2014) and a miscarriage (in 2015) when Himself was diagnosed with colon cancer (in 2016) and then the Queen Mother had her blood clot adventure (in 2017). Looking at everything that way, of course 2018 was going to be a Dumpster Fire!

Several pieces of paper have been ripped to shreds and placed in a small brown paper bag, along with a couple of sage stems, ready to be burned. We are going to a friend's party tomorrow and she says she will have a fire for burning things, weather permitting! (I have a Plan B ready to go just in case.) 

As of tomorrow, I will be ready to move forward into the new year...

Day 90: on clearing more space

Quick post, since I have some laundry to put away and the Queen Mother to help into  bed in a bit...

Got some more laundry done today, this time a load of clothes. I was planning on doing the dishes today, but did a round of recycling instead. Our condo complex has shared trash and recycling bins, both of which were full to overflowing with the detrius of the holidays. It also didn't help that pick-up was delayed a day due to New Year's. I found an empty bin and took full advantage of it. I also rearranged our "cans" and "bottles" bins in our patio to a more advantageous location.

I had an early dinner today because I wanted to attend the first Caregiver Support Group tonight, which I did. It was a small group, with some good sharing, and it felt nice to check in and share my experiences. I went with Himself to his meeting afterward, and had a late supper when we came home.

I didn't get everything accomplished on my list today, but that's okay. I have plenty of time and no need to be rushed - quite a change in perspective from last year! With that, I'll post this entry and go organize shirts and pants and other things.

Day 89: on moving into a new day

Since I stayed inside yesterday, I chose to turn the focus outside today. We had groceries we needed to get, a car payment to make, and money to get things done. The errands unfolded one after the other without a hitch, and we got home in plenty of time before we needed to fix mom dinner.

Before we launched into the grocery shopping, Himself and I treated ourselves to a nice brunch at a local diner that has reasonable prices. It was a nice little treat for ourselves to start off the new year. I had something I don't usually eat: a breakfast burrito, vegetarian style, so it had no bacon or sausage in it. I got a fruit cup to go with it and gave Himself the cantaloupe pieces and I had the rest of the fruit. (Fun fact: I don't like cantaloupe. It has a gnarly aftertaste that I've never gotten used to.) The brunch was so filling, that I wound up having a later dinner than usual, tucking in to my "mock chili" I described a few days ago.

I also started a second small experiment: while out shopping at Trader Joe's, and waiting for Himself to join me in the store, I took a pic of one of the pretty flower bouquets they sell there and posted it on Messenger, with a Daily Story hashtag. I want to post a pic (or two) and/or a video on my Messenger Stories every day for the next year. I don't guarantee that I will make it every day, and some of the pics will be totally random, but I'm feeling ready to reach out a little more on social media again, after being off of it for over a year (July 2017 - August 2018) and keeping a low profile since I returned.

Tonight is forecast to be a chilly night, with temperatures at or slightly below (!) freezing. Fortunately the cats are in, the central heater is working, and I have on socks. We are going to be quite cozy tonight. :)

Day 88: on starting somewhere

It turns out a good night's sleep did wonders for everyone's dispositions. The unpleasantness of the night before was left in the past, by unspoken mutual agreement. Himself and I also decided to tackle some of the "problem areas" the Queen Mother has been grousing about.

Mom can't use the shower in her bathroom, because it's one of those tub/shower combos, and the bathtub ledge is too high for her to step over safely. She comes and uses the shower in our bathroom, because it's a dedicated shower, and has a very low lip she can step over much more easily. It was beginning to show the effects of much use, shall we say, so Himself devoted his efforts to cleaning the shower. None of us use the bath/shower combo in the other bathroom, because 1) that shower head is broken, and 2) neither Himself nor I can fit into the shallow bathtub. Queen Mother could, but she would never be able to get up out of it again without a lot of help.

My task for today was to tackle the mountain of paperwork we had accumulated since 2016, when the Caregiver role began to take over my life, and anything that wasn't a high priority was swept aside. My first step was to sort all of the papers into three piles: mine, his, and mom's. Needless to say, mom's pile is the smallest, and it's a toss up between Himself and myself as to which of us has the longer paper trail! The next step is to sort each of our piles into three smaller piles: stuff to be recycled now, stuff to be held back for shredding, and stuff that's actually important enough to keep. I suspect the third pile will be the smallest, at least for me!

While all of this was going on, I also dove into the linen hamper and grabbed all of the towels and dishcloths for a long overdue washing. Drying is still in progress, as our dryer is no longer the most efficient appliance in the home, and the lint filter seems to fill up every five seconds!

I could have felt sorry for myself today, but I chose to take a step into the chaos and began to wrest some much needed Order out of it. This is one of my goals for 2019, and the first for the home.