mystery spot

Here's another one of those damn curveballs Life is infamous for throwing at us...

Himself's oncology follow up brought some unexpected news: there is a "mystery spot" next to his liver that was found on the latest CT scan. It's about an inch in diameter and wasn't present three months ago. It's not a coincidence that Himself hasn't been able to have his CBD oil consistently over these past three months, thanks to our ongoing financial challenges. From that persepective, it's not a total surprise that something would come up.

I guess it wasn't alarming enough in and of itself to call about, but I would have appreciated a heads-up about the spot, and I'm willing to bet Himself would have as well.

The immediate course of action is to have a PET scan, which is scheduled for tomorrow, to see how significantly said mystery spot is glowing. (The brighter the glow, the more likely it's cancerous.) Then there will be a discussion about those results this Thursday, followed most likely by a biopsy. Treatment options, if needed, will be discussed after that.

Hellfire and damnation.

Though Himself is understandably unsettled by the prospect of more cancer and more treatment, that's not my top concern. My concern is returning to the role of caring for two people at the same time, with very little, if any, available help.

The Queen Mother is not the same as she was in 2016. Her body has definitely picked up the pace to catch up with her mind. True, she's not nose-diving into the ground, but she has not been the same since her dual appointments at the start of this month. This past Friday she went to bed super early, claiming not to be hungry and declining dinner, which just about triggered a full blown panic attack in me. She turned out to be fine - even getting up at midnight to take out her dentures - and is back to complaining about silly things, but I am very much aware that she is going to need Supervision sooner rather than later. She's also continuing to drop words and finding it harder to keep track of conversations, so her mind continues to lead the way Homeward.

I am trying to take each day as it comes and not "future trip," as a good friend of mine put it. My first priority is to stay Sane. I will work on Positivity later. For the record, the cats are taking turns in snoozing on me/beside me. (Inkblot is snoring beside me as I type this.) I would have lost it long ago if it hadn't been for their presence in my life.

Will return later with an update, when I have it. Prayers appreciated in the meantime. 

notes on the queen mother

Here we are, a bit more than a week into the new year/decade, and this is the first entry on this blog for 2020. I will be honest, I've been rather distracted by the Queen Mother for much of this time. She had a pair of doctors appointments on the 2nd, and has been on a downhill slope ever since. (Not a steep slope, but moving in a definite downhill direction nonetheless.) :(

What it looks like: she has been getting up later in the morning. She eats breakfast, but not as much as in the past, and then lies down again until sometime in the afternoon. Her dinner has also been shrinking, just a little. She will watch tv in the evening, then go to bed earlier than usual. She says something is "not right," but can't articulate exactly what is wrong. She is a bit more confused with her words, and has a little more trouble following along in a conversation.

Some of the problem was solved with her last Primary Care appointment; though we had received the letters with her test results, it was only when we were visiting with Dr. M. that we learned that mom's brain had shrunk, moreso than what can be accounted for with normal aging. He prescribed Aricept for her, but that might also be contributing to the severity of this "episode." (It has previously taken her a day or two to recover from going out and coming back home, but this has been going on for a week, with no sign of significant improvement.) As for the other appointment, she went to see the eye doctor, who declared she was now a "good candidate" for cataract surgery. We have the initial consultation scheduled for March.

On the one hand, I would like to take mom to urgent care to see if there's something underlying that might have been previously missed, that might be making its presence known now. On the other hand, getting her out of the house and returning home again is not only physically taxing, it also disrupts her routine, which is becoming ever more precious to her. So I'm not entirely sure how to proceed. Maybe find a doctor that can come to the house?

I have been pretty well staying home, reluctant to leave the house in case she needs help with something. Yesterday I helped her for the first time with taking a shower. The pain in her back and knees remains pretty well constant. I managed to get out for an hour today to pick up a few groceries, but what I really want to do is to get out and not have an errand or two to pursue, just have a wee respite. This, of course, would mean that Himself would have to stay at home for a few extra hours. Easier said than done, as he is up to his eyeballs in year-end financial reporting, since the Alano Club is a nonprofit organization. I remember a thing or two about that from my bookkeeping days, many moons ago.

So there you have it. Hopefully more to come later, Queen Mother permitting...

time apart + veteran's day

Last week Himself traveled up to Seattle. He managed to finagle his way home on Sunday instead of Monday. I stayed home with the Queen Mother, who is plateauing - not getting better, but not getting any worse either.

Last Thursday was the hardest. Though I tried to look on the positive side, I also allowed myself to feel the disappointment of not being able to go. I did manage to make it to the Caregiver Support Group that evening, and it was exactly what I needed. My check in was long overdue, and it was good to share and be affirmed and witness other's stories.

Friday I made it to my Recovery meeting. Though I was tempted not to go, I needed to ensure the door was open for any "newcomers." It turned out to be a good meeting as well.

I had plans for the weekend, but they dissolved as my Introversion grew stronger. In theory, I was "conserving gas," but in practice, I really didn't want to go out. I was feeling overwhelmed and wanting nothing more than to rest. I did get myself out the door on Sunday to grab some groceries, and of course I made it down to the airport that evening to pick up Himself and bring himbhome.

I am noticing that I need to push myself just a little, especially when it's just me and the Queen Mother, and Himself is running around. I am tending toward Not Doing Anything when I don't have to. I'm not sure whether this is recovering from Burnout or a new iteration of my Depression; most likely it's some combination thereof. There's a part of me that needs to get out and connect with friends, so I need to make a bit of an effort to get off of my duff and get myself out there, for my sanity.

With Himself at home, we were able to take advantage of yesterday's Veteran's Day bargains. He wound up getting free breakfast and dinner, and graciously paid for mine. It's not that I was taking the day for granted, but being on a shoestring budget, and wanting some We Time with my significant other, it behooved me to take advantage of the situation. I had some lovely leftovers this evening for dinner.

I will finish my catching up tomorrow, as I'm feeling complete now. 

Day 364: on playing some catch up

Today has been a completely chill day: catching up on some reading, taking a nap, being in no hurry to eat breakfast. I fixed my dinner right after I fixed the Queen Mother's dinner: for me, it was a Japanese style dinner with vegetarian gyoza and a miso ramen cup, combined with a salad. I indulged a little with some chocolate ice cream for dessert.

Today and yesterday, Himself has been dealing with some Club challenges. Tempers there are getting short these days. See, they lost the lease at their original location last December, and moved into what they thought was going to be their temporary space, for about three months, in January. Three have since become ten-and-counting, and now they might move into their intended permanent home at the start of next year, or maybe find somewhere else entirely. Needless to say, some members of the Club are not taking all of the Uncertainty as well as others. 

I feel significant sympathy for Himself and all of them, for I/we have also been in a "permanent temporary" situation with our finances. The tide finally turned in our case, and I feel it will also turn with them as well. When, of course, is the Big Question.

Yesterday, Himself took the bus down to San Diego to tend to his part of Club business. I kept the car, filled the gas tank, grabbed a few groceries, and paid a visit to Starbucks for an iced Chai Tea Latte. I made a mini-outing for the day and enjoyed myself. In the evening I stepped out and attended my first meeting in a few weeks. I am responsible for "anchoring" this particular meeting the first Friday of each month. Last night I was grateful for the opportunity to meet up with my West Coast Bestie and bring her up to speed, even if folks were driving like it was a full moon on the freeway. (though it wasn't even a First Quarter moon last night!)

Today, Himself took the car and I have been home, so it has been super chill. I did do a bit of adulting: putting away the receipts for the paid bills, and setting up a few reminders. I also charted what I need to do in order to bring in "vacation care" for the Queen Mother so I can go with Himelf up to Seattle in November. I'm not feeling excited about my upcoming vacation quite yet, but once all of the pieces of this particular puzzle have been put together, I will. 

I just realized tomorrow will be my Completion Day of this 365-day blogging challenge. I will be sharing a bit about my future plans for this blog, so watch this space tomorrow as I tie it off and put a fancy bow on this past year. :) 

Day 353: on an unraveling mind

The Queen Mother proclaimed herself "much better" today, getting up at a decent hour and eating her breakfast, no problems. She ate her dinner as well, and I joined her in conversation, after a fashion. (More on that in a minute.) She lent credence to my working hypothesis that she had worked herself into a frenzy yesterday by saying, adamantly, that she did NOT want to go to the clinic to get her blood work done, because it would be "too cold" and she has "issues" with cold. While I was cleaning up in the kitchen, I mentioned to her that we needed to do the tests because it could get me some help, which I needed, since I was taking care of two people. That got through to her, and she agreed that getting help would be a good thing for me. I can build upon this for the future, so I am very happy I finally managed to get this point across.

The pharmacy called today to let me know her Prolia injection was ready, and when did we want to come by? Apparently they will give her the injection in the pharmacy, and she is willing to do that, since it will be both close by and a quick in-out-and-done deal. I'm going to call tomorrow and set up that appointment.

Though mom said she is better, I am seeing a significant difference in her: when our computer rebooted itself (becaause Windows can be a pain in the asterisk), she was completely lost as to how to get to her email, and I had to walk her through it. She had a nap today and fell asleep, saying it was the "first time" that has happened. (No, it wasn't.) Her challenge in finding the right words, or any words, I know about, but it's getting markedly worse. Today she threw in that she is losing the memory of plotlines of books as she's reading them. She can still read, at least, but it looks like her comprehension is slipping away big time. She is also completely lost as to what day of the week it is, what the date is, and is having more and more difficulty telling time.

This is more than simple "age-related cognitive impairment," I am certain. I would like to know what kind of dementia this is, and where she is on the timeline. I just need to work around her growing resistance to going to medical appointments, yet I believe today I was given the key to doing just that.

In other news, Himself has been cleared to return to Cardiac Rehab, so that's what he's planning on doing tomorrow. If the Queen Mother isn't doing too badly, I intend to join him. A good workout seems like just what the witch doctor ordered.

Day 336: on some kind of day

It was definitely one of those days, when I had to keep an eye on both Himself and the Queen Mother. There were one or two occasions when I had to yell out, "Prioritize!" when both of them had simultaneous crises. The Queen Mother is relatively well and still plugging along; as for Himself, we are paying a visit to the VA Medical Center in La Jolla tomorrow, as he is not getting better. :(

Our working hypothesis right now is that his anti-cholesterol medication is causing the severe cramping in his right leg; the same leg that had the "mystery pain" a few months ago - and has the clogging in the femoral artery. It was strongly suggested to Himself that he go tomorrow so they could rule out any blood clots or anything gnarly like that, so out of an abundance of caution, that is what we'll be doing.

It hasn't been an easy day, but it hasn't been a truly bad one, either. I helped Himself do the laundry today, and I seem to have forced a detante with the ants. Hopefully the latter situation will continue to improve.

I'm hopeful that by this time tomorrow we will have an answer to what is going on with Himself's leg, and I can refocus the majority of my attention onto the Queen Mother.

Day 308: on a firmer friday

Even though I set the wrong alarm to get up this morning, the Queen Mother served as an excellent alarm clock, and we got her to her Bone Density appointment on time. There was some paperwork I had to (help her) fill out, and a couple of items had to be guessed at, because she could not remember the dates and I was not yet present in this lifetime to know the answer.

The biggest challenge was getting her up on the table for the examination. The tech was very helpful, but stepstools and beds down as far as they can go are still not "mother-sized." Not only is she more petite than the average bear, but the havoc wreaked on her knees and ankles by the osteoarthritis, the rickets, and so forth, make it more and more difficult for her to get up onto the stepstool-then-table and back down again. The time may come in the near future when she has to be lifted up and down; at any rate, today we managed and came home fairly quickly afterward. We will be discussing all of the tests with Dr. M. next week.

Once back home, later meals and extended naps became the order of the day. She was rather wiped out from her medical "adventure" out of the house, and I was happy to nap as well. After a few hours, I went to Rite Aid to get some glucosamine for her joints (and got a sweet deal: buy one get one for $1. Yes please!), a refill of our large water jug, and a quick trip to Trader Joe's for some ice cream, which I forgot yesterday. While out, I also ducked in to our local grocer for some fresh white vinegar.

This week we have been having some ant challenges, as they found the contents of the trash can particularly tasty. I was able to pull myself together enough to see what I could use for a non-toxic repellent - and white vinegar, in a 50/50 mix with water, fit the bill. I had to get some new vinegar to replace what we had to throw out after our "Fumigation Staycation" a couple of months ago. I got an unused spray bottle, mixed the water and vinegar, and went to town. So far so good. I also went out into our patio and cleaned up the mess I had made getting all of the ants out of our house. Not only do I have an ant repellent, the mix works well in cleaning countertops too! Bonus round. :)

The Queen Mother is fine right now; she's watching an episode of the rebooted Magnum PI at this moment. For the most part, I had a better today than I did yesterday, with just one gnarly Heavy episode that dissipated on its own. As tomorrow is going to be a stay-at-home venture, I'm looking forward to a bit of huswifery and a homemade egg sandwich for breakfast, along with some more Self-Care.

Day 294: on ending with hope

Before my official Tea and Morning Pages time, I got a call back from the folks who are already helping us, Jewish Family Services, this time from the woman who helps with Alzheimer's - and other dementia - patients and their families. We had a good conversation and did a bit of brainstorming over the phone. I have an appointment to see her next month, and some "homework" to do in the meantime. Though nothing she suggested might actually play out, speaking with her this morning gave me an infusion of Hope. I updated my to-do lists and actually have some action steps to take next week.

The rest of the day was fairly calm...a quick grocery run to fortify us through the weekend, Himself departing for San Diego, making dinner for the Queen Mother, then myself. I napped briefly afterwards, and have kept it low-key this evening.

Himself is not doing well with the heat, and this is the second time he has put off a Cardiac session until later due to his sinus headache. He has to be careful, lest it bloom into a migrane. I'm considering a trip to SDG&E, or a phone call at the very least, to see if his cardiac issues (for which he needs to run the air conditioning more) might qualify us for a further discount. I'm already dreading the electric bill for this month.

We might work out tomorrow, we might not. It will depend on how Himself feels.

Day 284: on another swerve

For once, Mercury Retrograde worked in my favor: Dr. M's office called just after I woke to call them, and both of us agreed that the possible ultrasound appointment at 10:15 am wouldn't work. We will try the game again tomorrow morning, and I asked them pretty please to call my cell number first!

I took a shower and washed my hair, had my tea and Morning Pages, and got ready to go to our friend's place for lunch. The lunch itself was lovely, and we did get some help that we gratefully received.

Now the swerve: we left my friend's place sans rear windshield. Yup, it's totally busted. Himself emptied the car of all things valuable when we got home, and we have rigged an improvised cover with some plastic and duct tape. We have also filed a claim with AAA to see what can be done, and how much money will need to be spent. Worst case, we will have to wait till August 1st to pay for everything.

I did manage to remain calm, but that's only because my brain locked up and stayed that way for about 20 minutes afterwards. Then it was some resigned acceptance: sure, let's add this to the ongoing Dumpster Fire, why not! At this point, a meteor could fall on our condo and I would just shrug and accept it, albeit with a dramatic sigh - Par for the course! Himself is trying to keep a stiff upper lip as well, but it's starting to quiver.

Staying in bed all day Saturday sounds like an excellent plan. In the meantime, there's another Cardiac session tomorrow. Maybe then I'll be in a mood to smash my records on the machines once more. As the song goes, "If it weren't for bad luck, (we) would have no luck at all!"

Day 279: on feeling flabbergasted

I end this day flabbergasted and at a bit of a loss for ideas...

The day started with a call from Dr. M's office: the Queen Mother's liver results were abnormal. He wants to do further bloodwork and get the ultrasound done sooner than early August. Checking with Radiology, there was an appointment tomorrow, but it was at the same time as Himself's quarterly CT scan, so that wasn't going to work. I left that situation with them looking either for another "stat" Radiology opening or another place that they can refer us out to. 

On a deep level, I realize I have been waiting for "the other shoe to drop." Himself had his heart attack a couple of months ago, and I've wondered when it would be the Queen Mother's "turn." This might be it. Whatever happens, I'll handle it like I've handled everything else so far.

I made my phone calls but wound up playing a bit of phone tag with them. If I get home too late tomorrow, I'll simply try again on Tuesday. I did reach someone at the Consumer Center, which helps out with Medi-Cal challenges. After explaining my situation, I was informed that it was actually Social Security who needed to certify the Queen Mother as disabled! She might have been certified as a teenager (with all of her surgeries on her legs), but that would have been way back in the late 50's / early 60's. Let's just say I'm not holding my breath in finding any records for her from that long ago! I could still continue with my current plan of gathering key documents, but it's a much longer shot for her to get approved without Social Security's previous seal of approval. 

The other option is to go back and see if I can add any sort of "supplemental" insurance that would basically be equivalent to the Queen Mother's Medicare Part B payment. THAT is what is messing us up: if Social Security deducts it, the Queen Mother is just under the Poverty Line; if the state pays it, she goes back over the Poverty Line by that exact amount.

Although I'm not sure of my next move, I know it would be incredibly foolish to cancel the Medicare Part B membership, because that covers (basically) everything outside the hospital and a few things in the hospital. Beyond that, though, I'm clueless in this moment. 

I know that tomorrow is Himself's turn, as (I mentioned earlier) it's time for his quarterly CT scan, preceding his quarterly Oncology follow up appointment next week. So my plan right now is to take the weekend to have a good think over everything, then take the next indicated step, whatever that might be. 

Nobody said this would be easy, but it would have been nice if I had been given warning about how Challenging this would be! 

Day 270: on starting anew

It was back to the drawing board today, eventually.

Both Himself and I apparently needed very much to sleep in, as we woke up a bit later than we intended. We did get back into looking for resources and leaving messages, both online and over the phone.

Things got a bit complicated on my end because all of the feelings that I refused to feel yesterday came knocking today, so it didn't take much to catapult me into Overwhelm. I inched my way out of it several times over the course of the day. 

Tomorrow is another Cardiac session, so I will be moving my body again, hopefully burning off some of this anxious energy. I'm also looking at cutting out social media one more time, as I'm starting to find it difficult to remain neutral, even with all of the cute cats and kittens to distract me. I will see if I can reach out to a few more places in the morning before we leave.

Getting through this one day at a time, because it's all I can do, really... 

Day 269: on passing the buck

Be advised, there is some coarse language in this one.

Himself got a judgment from DC.

The judge did not look at the addendum.

The judge said since the (San Diego VA) Region messed up in the first place, it was on the Region to fix their decision.

The judgment calls for all pertinent medical records to be provided to the region, and to have an "expert" evaluate Himself's condition and say "in his opinion," is this an injury that was sustained during active combat.

How fucking hard is it to admit that y'all made a mistake and man up and correct it?!

Oh right - to correct your error means you would need to pay out MONEY, which you would rather spend on shiny new weapons you probably won't be able to use anyway, and why pay money to a veteran who has a "terminal" diagnosis and will probably die "any day now"!

The level of Patriarchal Bureaucratic Bullshitting here is mind-numbing.

Make no mistake, Himself will continue to fight this, and I will be by his side, even if we wind up going to DC so he can argue his case before the goddamn Supreme Court if necessary! 

In the meantime, we need to do some major scrambling to see if we can get ANY extra help at all, and a Chapter 13 bankruptcy filing may be our only solution.

Needless to say, I crushed it on several of the exercise devices during our workout today. I also chose to load up the dishwasher rather than sit around and feel sorry for myself. 

I'm also glad I started thinking about Acting As If we might not get any money at all at the end of May, so when this blow came, it did not send me into a complete tailspin. 

Still, I'm not happy.

Bloody Hell...or as Himself would say, Shit, Piss, and Corruption!

Day 265: on finding the solution

Today was finally Laundry Day for the entire family unit, as Himself chose to wash two loads (darks and lights) and I chose to wash one load (for the Queen Mother and myself). With the clothes washed and ready to be dried, the natural next step was to dry the laundry.

Small problem: Himself had some cash in his e-wallet, which we could use for grocery shopping (which we did), but in using his e-wallet to pay, he/we could not get cash back. This was our challenge because the laundromat by our home kicks it old school, as the popular vernacular goes, and needs real quarters, not e-cash, to power its dryers.

I had a solution ready to go: we gather our change, I get the last remaining dollar out of my account at the credit union, convert the change to quarters while we were at it, and we would each have enough cash to dry our load of laundry. The challenge came to convince Himself to go along with me; he had become so put out by the fact he could not get cash back from his e-wallet, he was ready just to fold up his tent and go home. I had to growl at him to go with my plan, which by the way, worked out perfectly.

Both of us can be very stubborn at times, as we both come by it naturally (his parents and my parents could also be said to have wide stubborn streaks in their spirits). Some other emotions came up around today's dryer adventures, so it occurred to me that this would be a good time to write about my control issues, and what I struggled to control, and what I really needed to let go of. While Himself attended a meeting (his therapy), I journaled and got a few things ready to burn in Fire Ceremony (my therapy).

We have since communicated and clarified our positions to each other, and talked our way through the feelings that came up today. Just as importantly, all of the laundry is clean and dry, folded up / hung up and put away.

Tomorrow is the next Cardiac session, so we will burn off any excess emotional energy that needs to be released. :)

Day 255: on cats and cardiac rehab

We made the error of not calling the vet's place before bundling up the cats in their carriers and driving over to the office this morning, as they were full and had no same-day appointments available. Fortunately, the cats can be seen tomorrow morning, and that's what I plan to do. The vet tech suggested we go get some Sheba food and some chicken baby food - both of which got big Hard No's from the cats. They did, however, nibble on their regular food, which is good. Now the trick is to see if they keep said food down in their bellies the entire night!

Himself called the Cardiac Rehab folks, once we had returned from our ultimately futile foray to Target, to check on the time of his appointment. It's a good thing that he did, because he was due to be seen two hours before the time we had in the calendar! We actually made it there a bit early, which is a good thing, because trying to figure out where to park was a bit challenging. He parked in the "ER only" parking lot; I wound up reparking in the "normal" parking lot.

He filled out some paperwork and was given a folder with schedules. They made him walk for about six minutes to measure his heart rate and oxygen saturation. He even did a bit of exercise. A highlight is that I will be able to work out with him for $10 per month. The VA is going to cover 36 sessions over six months' time, though if he goes three times per week, he will work through his sessions in about three months. We'll see how things work out.

We got back home just in time for dinner. I got the Queen Mother's dinner together, Himself fixed his dinner, then I fixed my dinner. We're due for another grocery shopping run in a day or two, so we will need to pool our resources. I think we'll be okay.

I had a low-level headache for much of the day, and the Queen Mother was in one of her blah moods, so I was not the most diplomatic of Libras today. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better.

Day 250: on still dealing with life

I knew today was going to be busy, but not quite as crazy as this...!

I helped the Queen Mother get dressed and served her breakfast, then Himself and I went to a local restaurant, Pegah's, for our breakfast. Before we left, we got a phone call from Petsmart: the cats were not just unhappy, but they have apparently gone on a full hunger strike! Their in-house vet took a look at them (at no charge to us, fortunately), and determined they weren't constipated or in significant physical distress. Still, they wanted to know if we wanted to administer subcutaneous fluids. I advised them we would be in touch.

After we finished with breakfast, we chose to go over to Petsmart ourselves and inquire after the cats. It turns out the situation was not as serious as we had been led to believe, but they were still not happy campers. We spent some quality time with them, calming them down as best we could, though they both turned up their noses at the special "highly palatable" food we had been given to see if they would eat. Inkblot even started eyeing the door handle as though he was calculating how high to jump to grasp it just enough to yank it down and open the door! I went in to Petsmart wearing a black top; I emerged with it almost white due to shed cat fur. ;)

Though we were beginning to consider leaving the motel early and just going home as soon as the fumigation was complete, the vet confirmed our belief that one extra day would be much better for them, as their respiratory systems are much more sensitive than ours. So until Friday morning they will stay, and then we will take them over to Mohnacky Animal Hospital for evaluation. Once we explained our situation to them, they were gracious enough to offer to examine them for free.

We checked in quickly with the Queen Mother, then headed down to the VA Medical Center. Himself rescheduled his eye appointment one more time, to a day next week when we will be at the VA anyway. We did manage to renew some of his medications at the Pharmacy. Then we stopped at a dispensary to pick up some CBD oil to keep those nasty little gastro-intestinal polyps at bay. Finally there were stops at Trader Joe's for the Queen Mother's dinner, and Carl's Jr. for our dinners. I have become a big fan of their Beyond Star veggie burger; I'm also waiting to sink my teeth into an Impossible Whopper when it's introduced in San Diego County. (It's just been introduced in San Francisco.)

I prepared dinner for the Queen Mother, then ate my dinner with her. She said she had "gotten bored with reading" and looked through her suitcase in the other room, pulling out a few things that she had not been using. I have been helping her work the remote so she can watch TV (she's currently watching a Blue Bloods marathon, as she loves most cop shows), and I have been resting in the bedroom. Although she wants to go home badly, she wants to take the motel toilet and shower with her, since she likes them better. ;)

Tonight I'm going to add up our receipts so far to see how much money we really have left. Tomorrow I might actually get a full day of relaxing in! We shall see...

Day 243: on romping in the patio

Today's focus was to trim the pepper tree in the patio away from the house. It seemed more intimidating than it actually turned out to be - you see, this tree has been cut back to the trunk several times, and within a year has grown crazy big again. With all of the Spring Rains, it grew crazier bigger than usual. It turns out, however, with the removal of a few choice branches, 90% of the work has been done. There are a few branches yet to be removed, and a bit trimmed off the top of a branch close to the unit, but we are pretty well there.

We emptied out our wheeled green trash can and put three loads' worth of foliage in it, then hauled each load out to the dumpsters. Actually, Himself did most of the cutting, I did most of the loading, and we hauled the trash can out together.

The reason we were playing out in the patio was because the fumigators need all the plants trimmed back from the unit by about a foot, otherwise they will get cranky and possibly charge us for the work they would have to do. (Yes, it's ass-backwards, but these are trying times.) The biggest challenge in trimming back the pepper tree is trying not to annoy the bees that are pollinating the current generation of flowers on said tree right now. We inadvertently came close a couple of times, but they settled down as we went about our business. I'm pretty sure this means they aren't the infamous "Killer Bees" that wreak havoc on unsuspecting humans.

There is a bigger challenge looming, though, in the form of the bouganvillea bush outside our bedroom door. Unlike the pepper tree, that plant has long nasty thorns that will gouge you if you're not careful. We will be much more careful around it.

For the record, both plants survived the fumigation that we underwent in 2001, even though the bouganvillea looked like it had given up the ghost. Hardy plants, we have!

Tomorrow we are most likely taking a breather from patio work, as I have to get a second carrier for Inkblot, and see if we can find him a harness. I also have a Union meeting I am planning to attend in the afternoon/evening, as they are going to be talking about possible changes to the IHSS program that are being considered on the Federal Level. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" seems to be lost on our Politicians these days...

Anyway, I feel like I will be investing some more time in pruning and such in the patio post-fumigation, when it might be a bit easier to tend to the plants.

Day 241: on a whitewater ride

Stepping back into the normal flow of Life these days...

Yesterday was a good day to finish cleaning up the kitchen. Today was a good day to pay some bills, which I did. We are now current on some things, almost so on others. I was feeling pretty good about the flow until I got today's mail. There was a monkey wrench contained therein: a "love note" from our credit union kindly asking for the past due amount on our Home Equity Line of Credit if we did not want them to consider foreclosing on our condo.

We had opened up this HELOC in 2015 to get our bills under control, ironically enough. It worked until Himself was diagnosed with colon cancer, and the Odyssey began. Even so, the wheels didn't start to wobble too badly until the end of last year/start of this year, when it all started to become Too Much financially, and we had to start making Significant Choices...all because we are (still!) waiting to see how the bureaucratic side of the Veteran's Administration is going to resolve Himself's carpal-tunnel claim (They agreed that he had it in his right hand, but he has it documented in both of his hands - and he is left-handed!).

To my credit, I didn't panic or break down. My first thought, in fact, was along the lines of, Well this is bloody inconvenient, especially since our main focus is on the upcoming fumigation next week. My second thought was to see what we could work out with the credit union; after all, we've worked out solutions for every other obstacle that's crossed our path. The truth is, though, if we don't hear from someone in DC by the end of this month, things are really going to start hurting. I'm saying that I'm saving up my panic till month's end, and am only half-joking in this.

In other news, we made it to City Hall, and the kind staff looked at us cross-eyed when we asked them about Public Records. They don't have them there; perhaps at the County office? I know for sure that office really don't have anything to offer, so I will need to wait to see what the Queen Mother's doctor's office has to say. It is terribly ironic that I can look up the marriage record of my paternal great-grandfather from the start of the 20th Century but cannot seem to find any note about mom becoming officially "disabled" some twenty years ago! 

I am still hoping to get some pruning done tomorrow, even though it looks like both Himself and I are going to be making a few phone calls. The summit of the mountain is so close, yet so far, in the latest glimpse through the mists.

Day 193: on testing the resolve

We have been awaiting a key piece of mail for a bit more than a week, now, and it hasn't arrived in our mailbox yet. I find my new resolve to take it day by day, and not worry about (financial) things that I can't control, tested a bit. So far, the pragmatism is holding. So far.

I finished coloring my latest mandala and posted it on Messenger as part of my Daily Stories. I'm probably going to take pictures of my recent mandalas and post them on Instagram. I finally returned to it last night, and I was okay. I don't feel a call to return to Facebook at this time. I'm not sure if I will return to Facebook, and I don't feel like I will be on Instagram for long stretches of time. I need some more Stability in my life for that to happen, as I have enough on my plate without having to worry about random Drama Llama stampedes on Social Media.

I went with Himself to the first of his latest round of VA appointments. Today was his next to last Cognitive Behavioral Therapy session. He will return in a month for a final "progress report" before finishing this round. Tomorrow we have a grand total of three appointments in La Jolla, starting bright and early with a "last minute" CT scan that everyone forgot was needed before the next Oncology appointment! This is what happens when things don't get scheduled right away... ;-p

Sometime tomorrow we will also need to get cat food, and I am hoping we'll be able to do that sooner rather than later.

Hoping and praying for the next miracle to arrive...

Day 191: on pausing for a moment

Between the mental exertion of yesterday's meetings and the physical unpleasantness of last evening's walk, Himself let Discretion be the better part of Valor today and chose not to attend our Sunday Support group. I didn't blame him. This meant it was a good day to rest, and move forward in Ease, and take inventory of life. My "new" pragmatic perspective is fitting nicely,

The only "practical" thing we managed to get done was grocery shopping: using some of my remaining funds to get a few cans of cat food, using our gift cards to get some essentials, with a few "treats" thrown in - nothing too crazy, mainly things we haven't usually had an opportunity to eat recently. We're still good for the rest of the month if absolutely nothing else happens, and of course other things will happen.

Inkblot was feeling particularly ambitious today, as he brought in a dove (!) while I was preparing my dinner. That was tricky to get out of the house, even with Himself removing the cats from the immediate vicinity, but I successfully got it into our special Critter Transportation box, and the dove flew onto a neighbor's roof, so it didn't look like much damage had been done. Then Inkblot went and got a decent-sized moth (!!) and brought it in; this was much easier to get out of the house, as I was able to open the patio door and shoo it out. Poor boy must think we are "hopeless parents," unable to fend for ourselves and hunt down basic meals! ;)

After dinner, Himself tended to his business down in Point Loma, and I colored some more in my mandala, then had myself a walk of two (consecutive) laps around the complex. I took a moment to appreciate some rosemary (that plant I can recognize, at least!) and took a picture of the sunset. Towards the end of the second lap, I looked up at several flying creatures feeding on the nocturnal bugs, and realized that the wings weren't quite right for birds. Instead, I realized I was watching BATS! I got very excited, as this is the first time I've knowingly seen them. They're good totem animals in my book.

After tomorrow, next week is filled with appointments and the Seder of Pesach at week's end, so it will be a busy time. I will be taking full advantage of the Downtime.

Day 179: on looking for the reset button

I realized today that I have had my fill with obligations, deadlines, and appointments. My mind is feeling rather fried at the moment, and all I really want is quiet and calm. 

Once again I got some, but not all, of the errands done that I wanted to do today, and I'm thinking that tomorrow will be a better day to finish off the to-do list. Tomorrow is the first of three days without any set obligations or appointments - and it's also the first of three days with the possibility of rain forecast. I should be able to dance between raindrops, though, and find some ways of recharging, renewing, and recentering.

Now I think I will go back to my quiet and calm, and let my frazzled nerves rest.