Day 186: on recognizing...

It's silly to expect Himself to be "sacrificing" as much as I do in this Caregiving odyssey. He can help, and he does, but he also has his own life, and his own commitments in this life. To expect him to give everything up to help me is a mark of Insanity.

Come to think of it, it's also silly to say that I'm "sacrificing" myself in the name of Caregiving. Some of my boundaries need to be redrawn, yes. Some things that I enjoyed doing need to be picked up again, yes. To say that I am "ruined" or "broken," though, is another mark of Insanity.

When I looked over at the clock today, and it was just after noon, and I hadn't had breakfast or showered yet, I figured I wasn't going to the new Caregiver Support Group, as there were groceries to purchase, and money to purchase them with. I did my Tea and Morning Pages after helping the Queen Mother with her breakfast, and helping Himself with a bit of Pain Management, and hadn't realized where in the day I stood. Even if I had caught myself a bit earlier, I still might not have rushed.

I'm also recognizing that, at least right now, multitasking is right out, until I get my Respite Vacation in. On days where there are no appointments, I pick one thing I need to do, and then do that. Anything else that gets done on a given day is gravy. I'm criticizing myself less and understanding myself more.

Per Himself's VA attorney, the case hasn't been filed quite yet, but they have until the 15th to file it. While I appreciate their thoroughness in reviewing all the details of the case, there a part of me that just wishes they would hurry up and file already! So here we sit, waiting for the right time to start scaling the summit of the mountain.

Another "empty day" tomorrow, so I will peruse my options, choose one, and take action.

Day 14: on finishing a busy day

I am feeling tired on several levels, but here I am in my commitment, checking in.

The flow of the day went well enough. Himself got to his appointments, and I got the Queen Mother to her doctor's appointment. In her case, we are going to stay the course, for now. She has been experiencing more pain as the weather has gotten colder. If she needs to take her pain meds, we will get her a stool softener to take with those meds, to see if we can avoid a repeat experience of the gastrointestinal "roller coaster" she rode a month ago.

Part of why I'm tired now is because the Queen Mother was in a foul mood when she woke up and came out of her room. She despises going anywhere outside the home, mainly because going to and fro is a significant physical challenge. Every bump in the road, every jolt of uneven pavement, causes her pain. Of course, as her dutiful daughter, I'm trying to keep everything flowing as smoothly as possible. We made it to the doctor's office and back again today, but - whew!

Part of why I'm tired is that tomorrow I am most likely going to accompany Himself on a quick trip to LA, helping a friend get to LAX. I found myself super triggered by the idea: Why do I have to Sacrifice my precious time? Why am I making All Of The Sacrifices? How much more do I have to Sacrifice before I/we can emerge from the LACK I/we have been swimming in, sometimes just managing to keep my/our head/s above water? I wound up emotionally vomiting all over Himself on our way to our weekly meetings this evening, but he didn't get angry. He just assured me that everything was going to be okay; and after a while, I did start to feel better - but not before I had done some soul-deep venting.

Fortunately, the day is over, and I can mark this day as done. Tomorrow will be a fresh new opportunity... :)

Day 9: on doing the shadow work

As I mentioned previously, I started in on journaling around the Heaviness I was experiencing a couple of days ago, in order to unpack what, exactly, was stinking in my thinking. Whereas I would normally wait until the entire process was finished before sharing my results, I was inspired by a video made by a friend about sharing during the messy in-between times, as well as sharing the nice shiny journey when it was all over - and frankly, this whole blog is about sharing during the messy in-between times! So, a bit of sharing the preliminary results of my digging down to find the root, if you will...

The main source of my Stinking Thinking is feeling Overwhelmed by life, whether I'm thinking about what I still have to do around our home in order to get it a bit more "reasonable" (I abandoned the "Grandma Clean" standard a long time ago, trust me!), or whether I find myself carrying the angst of the world upon my shoulders. In the latter case, I seem to have this idea that I (and I alone) need to "transmute the suffering of the world" so that everyone will feel better. I'm not quite sure where I picked up this Goddess complex - heh, I just came up with that - and I'm not quite sure how to drop it Once and For All. Still working on that.

Both of these concepts were part of the Heavies, but neither was ultimately the real root. Beneath these concepts, however, the word Sacrifice suddenly leapt into my mind. I dug a little further, and found the root at last: I have been feeling for some time that I've just been Sacrificing more and more and more of myself - whether financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically, or whatever - and getting nothing in return. It has that "Suffering in Silence" quality to it as well.

I found some resentment towards Himself brewing there, for I don't feel like he's been Sacrificing "as much" as I have. I challenged that resentment immediately: "So how many times have I asked for help on a Social Media platform? or in Real Life, for that matter?" I acknowledged I haven't asked for help near as much as he has, when push has come to shove. "Why not?" I asked next...and I don't have an answer to that question. Yet.

This is where I am now - what is the Block within me that prevents me from asking for help more?

Asking questions and receiving answers, which often lead to more questions, is how I do my Shadow Work. Finding the root of my Stinking Thinking solves half of the puzzle; then I know what I need to do to edit my Story, and how best to go about that. There will be a Part 2 to this, which will arise in the fullness of time. I just need to keep digging, keep writing, and keep percolating.

In the meantime, there is another week to look forward to, with one very special occasion set to unfold on Tuesday. :)