Day 281: on sliding in sideways

First, let me backtrack to yesterday...

It was time for Himself's quarterly blood draw and CT scan with contrast, to make sure the cancer is still in remission. I should have guessed it was going to be a wild day when I saw Northbound I-15 was closed due to a gnarly traffic accident; it was later revealed that someone had been on the freeway and hit by several cars (!!) I don't know the latest details, but traffic northbound, as of about 8am yesterday morning, was. not. moving. Fortunately we were going southbound, but we were still delayed because 1) of looky-loo syndrome 2) during the Friday morning commute.

Anyway, we got to the VA at 8:45am. Himself went up and got his port accessed and the blood drawn, and set up for the iodine injection. We got down to Radiology at 9:10am and didn't think there would be an issue. He didn't get scanned until nearly 11am, partly because the Radiology folks were waiting on the lab results, and partly because one of the machines went down and had to be fixed / coaxed back to life. Fortunately, I had brought along a protein bar with my mandala book, so I wasn't completely starving, but I definitely appreciated lunch: personal veggie pizza with a kale salad. A little naughty, a little nice. ;)

After that, we went back up to get the tubing removed and the port sterilized for another month or so, then back down to the Pharmacy. They, too, were busy, as we had a bit of a wait until they called Himself's number. He filed his Travel reimbursement request for the previous month's Cardiac Rehab sessions while we waited. I suppose it was worth it, as they didn't just refill the one prescription he needed, they gave him a kit-and-caboodle's worth of meds! That I will sort out later. By the time all was said and done, it was about 1:40pm when we finally left the VA and made our way just a bit north to Scripps La Jolla. I had just about finished coloring in the mandala I had been working upon. I finished it today and posted it to my Messenger Stories, if you're interested.

We had thought we were going to arrive at the Rehab session earlier than usual; instead, we were a bit later than usual. Our workout wound up being about half the length it's usually been, though, because Himself's leg was acting up. He is going to have someone take a look at his leg to make sure there isn't a blood clot involved. We got out at about 3:35pm, but between a delay in getting out of the parking lot and wending our way home through Friday Evening Commute traffic, we didn't get home until about 5:15. I still had dinner to get ready for the Queen Mother and myself before we left for our weekly meetings! At least we got to them in a timely manner. We got home about 10pm, and I was too wiped to do any significant thinking or writing, hence yesterday's brief post.

Today I had a conference call at 10am, which I managed to wake up in time for. Unlike previous calls, there was a LOT of drama that unfolded. By the time we finally wrapped up business at 1:45 this afternoon (we normally finish by 12!), I was hungry and angry - not a good combination. I started crying and I could. not. stop. I suspect it really wasn't the drama of the call, but more the fact that this has been a very trying week for me, and I took the "opportunity" to have the good cry that I've been needing to have for a while. I needed some eyedrops afterwards to soothe my eyeballs. I also got around to eating, finally.

Before I wrote this blog, I thought I had found a video to watch about hammerhead sharks (one of my favorite things, because I'm weird), but the buffering on the tablet was even worse than the buffering on my phone, which was bad enough! Once again, Mercury Retrograde can kiss my arse, thank you very little!

Tomorrow I have been invited to volunteer at Pride at the Recovery Village. I'm not sure if I'm going. I've been before, and had a blast, but this year I'm concerned about the Queen Mother, and there's a part of me that would rather stay home and do some work on the computer. I'm still thinking about it, and will let y'all know what I choose to do tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm going to use more eyedrops.

Day 270: on starting anew

It was back to the drawing board today, eventually.

Both Himself and I apparently needed very much to sleep in, as we woke up a bit later than we intended. We did get back into looking for resources and leaving messages, both online and over the phone.

Things got a bit complicated on my end because all of the feelings that I refused to feel yesterday came knocking today, so it didn't take much to catapult me into Overwhelm. I inched my way out of it several times over the course of the day. 

Tomorrow is another Cardiac session, so I will be moving my body again, hopefully burning off some of this anxious energy. I'm also looking at cutting out social media one more time, as I'm starting to find it difficult to remain neutral, even with all of the cute cats and kittens to distract me. I will see if I can reach out to a few more places in the morning before we leave.

Getting through this one day at a time, because it's all I can do, really... 

Day 168: on feeling "on the edge"

Today I realized just how close I am to losing it completely...

My paycheck did NOT show up in my account today. I wasn't sure what to do about cat food. Himself pointed out that we had a ton of his water bottles to recycle, so why not take them to be recycled? (He likes the flavored fizzy water you can pick up at any grocery store. Hey, at least he drinks them!) So after Tea, Morning Pages, and breakfast, we loaded up the car and took the bottles and empty cat food cans over to our local recycling place. We got enough money from that to get enough cat food for the weekend, plus some of Himself's denture glue.

After we finished the recycling and shopping, we came home. I realized my nerves were completely shot, and that this had been building throughout the week. I had more patience with the cats than I did with my humans today! 

Speaking of the cats, Inkblot finally got his Cone of Shame removed. The first thing he did was start grooming himself. He took a brief break to have an early lunch, which was a can of "people tuna," the first he'd ever had, I believe. (I have a small stash handy, for emergencies and/or special occasions.) He ate way more of it than Pippa did, yet still came back later in the day for more to eat! I would have thought I would have had "tuna coma" after his special meal, but I guess he was too excited to have his life restored to normal. ;)

I had a later lunch than the cats did: veggie tortilla soup, with the last of the rice from the rice cooker mixed in, and a salad. It settled my nerves a little, but not my tension headache. We changed our plans for this evening and went to our weekly meetings in San Diego. After the meeting, I finally started to feel like something other than a raw nerve. (I can feel absolutely horrid going in, yet be restored to a level of sanity when I come out.) It came to me to say that I had been experimenting with new levels of Powerlessness and Unmanageability, so my sense of humor is still intact at least.

I had to go to a second Walmart after the meeting to get a flavor of cat food that wasn't at the first one. Before I went, I found fifty cents in my meeting bag. Good thing, because after all was said and done, the total at checkout was six cents more than I originally had. So something went my way at the end of the day.

I will see if I can get some rest this weekend. There may be some juggling of plans, but I'll see what I can do. Maybe I need to fantasize about my "dream vacation" again.

Day 166: on a vernal equinox adventure

On our way to grab groceries today, the skies opened up with rain, and there was thunder and lightning...and a German Shepherd running in and out of the traffic lanes! The poor dog had been spooked and was looking for her person, I guess. She ran right in front of our car, but we were going slow, and were able to stop in time. She came and looked in our windows, like she was looking for a ride.

There was a man in a white pickup truck coming from the opposite direction, and he and Himself were able to corral the dog, in the pouring rain. They discussed strategy for a few moments, as I talked to our police department, who suggested to take the dog to the Humane Society at the northeast part of town. So that's what Himself and I wound up doing.

For the most part, she stayed in the back seat of the car. She did try to come up with us at one point, but I managed to finagle her back. She was panting and shaking nonstop; she shook so hard, the car shook with her. (There's a pic of her in my Messenger Stories.) We made our way through the rain, lightning, and traffic, and made it to the Humane Society, with the help of Google Maps. Himself went in to get a leash, then came back to collect the dog. Most fortunately, she was tagged and microchipped, so she would have a happy reunion with her person at the end of the day.

We made it to Walmart after our little side excursion, and Trader Joe's after that. The rain fortunately let up by the time we made it to Trader Joe's. The car totally smelled like wet dog, as did my jeans, apparently - Inkblot gave them the third degree after we got home. (I would have loved to roll down the windows to air the car out, but it was raining too hard for me to do that.)

Usually, I get tense before a thunderstorm, then ease up as it passes. This time, I found myself holding more tension after we got home. I took a few moments after dinner to ground myself thoroughly. Coloring helped with that as well. Hopefully there will come a day when I'm not so tense all of the time... (le sigh)

There will be more rain tonight and tomorrow, but the thunderstorms were forecast only for today. We'll see if the sky growls again tomorrow. Hopefully it won't, because Inkblot is finally due to get his Cone of Shame removed! He'll be a much happier kitty.

As we say, Never a Dull Moment. It was very interesting: sometimes you feel Providence moving in and through your life, other times, you are the Providence moving through someone else's life. Paying it forward. :)

Day 135: on feeling out of sorts

I figured the day would be off-kilter when we wound up waking up at 11:30am after setting the alarm for 10am. Needless to say, we did not make the support group. I further compounded the mood by managing to forget to eat breakfast; I never got that hungry today and didn't realize what was off until I started being extra snarly.

I had a small litterbox accident to clean up when we got home from grocery shopping because I had allowed the litter in the box to get a smidge too low. Fortunately, I grabbed some new litter today, and all was forgiven. Even my meditation felt a bit off this evening, like I was trying to force it, or perhaps rush through it.

Yes, I have a hundred niggling little worries that are taking turns running through my rational mind. No, I am not a fan of cold winter weather, as it rained off and on today. I suspect I would be downright miserable right now if I lived just about anywhere else in the country. There is also a part of me that wishes it was all concluded, the moountain scaled, and I could just let go and REST, and ski down the other side of the mountain.

With Federal and State agencies closed tomorrow, I'm going to consider some more cleaning up around the house and making sure my ducks are all in a row. Then I re-enter the fray on Tuesday. Perhaps tomorrow I won't feel like my fur is being rubbed the wrong way. :p

Day 119: on moving through the cranky

Had another early start to the day today, which didn't flow quite as smoothly as it did yesterday...

Today we had some items to pursue on the agenda. First was a visit to Jewish Family Services, where instead of an interview, we found that we had already been magically "recertified" for the pantry, and did we want to visit it today? Himself went to get the bags and I considered all of my options. I believe we were the first to visit, and we had the pick of the bounty. It was an unexpected blessing to start the day, yet I was on a bit of an edge for much of it. 

Going into a Wal-Mart that reeked of acetone from the beauty salon they had on site did not help my mood, nor did only finding half of the items we needed on our list. Making a couple of other stops to pick up essential items was okay, yet my phone didn't seem to work when the Queen Mother called to see where we were, and I had to yell into the phone that we would be home soon. Not sleeping as much as I prefer for a couple of days in a row didn't help. Mars in conflict with Pluto didn't help either. (When the "God of War" squares off against the "God of Shadows," you get cranky people, basically, and I was one of them.)

I had a nap after lunch, and that helped for a bit, until I went to get the rest of the cat food - something not readily available at the food pantry - at our local Wal-Mart. Then there were several more small misadventures in the store that rubbed me completely the wrong way. Fortunately, Himself came in to save the day, and we went to our weekly meeting after that. We made it home before the next storm began. 

Some days, I move easily and effortlessly through the world outside of my house; other days, it feels like it's all I can do to keep my temper in check and get home as quickly as possible, so I can relax (somewhat) and nest. Fortunately, I have an empty agenda for tomorrow, and a fun thing lined up for Sunday. I will be okay.

Day 112: on gathering more red tape

Today's information gathering excursion turned out to be a monumental waste of time. The Durable Power of Attorney that I have for the Queen Mother greases many wheels, but not all of them. I could not get the information I wanted from Social Security or the DMV, because they need to talk to the Queen Mother herself.

I can understand the reasoning why, because there are supremely dishonest people in the world, but when I'm just trying to validate basic information, and I'm told, "No, we need to speak with your mother personally," especially after the whirlwind week I've had, I was beyond frustrated. I couldn't even talk with her doctor's office, but that was because my phone kept cutting out while we were making our way home. :p

I'm trying to see if she was certified as Disabled before she began taking Social Security. I want to say she was, because I remember that she had disabled license plates on her car when I learned how to drive, back in 1998 (which is a story in itself; saving it for later), and she began to take Social Security when she opted for early retirement in 2004. Can I get anyone to agree with me? Not at the moment! (grrr...)

Somewhere along the line today, to provide a distraction for my short temper, either I dropped something on my foot or ran my foot into something, because the toenail on the second toe of my left foot looks more gnarly than usual, and feels horrid in a close-toed shoe. This toenail has been gnarly looking since college, nearly 20 years ago, but tonight it looks really bad, and seems to be about ready to fall off altogether. I'm keeping it in place for as long as I can, because I really don't want to bleed all over the house, so I have a bandaid on that toe for the moment. We'll see what happens. (It looks and sounds nastier than it actually is, trust me!)

I'm going to shelve the Epic Medi-Cal Quest till Monday, because I am totally over it right now, and I'm going to focus on more pleasant things this weekend. Hopefully I will be able to score some sort of outdoor time, because there's a mild Santa Ana this weekend, and everything is warming up nicely, in between the rainstorms. Come Monday I should be recharged enough to mount back up and return to tilting at the windmills; that's what it's felt like at times!

Day 110: on feeling vexed

The direct deposit arrived today, so we managed to restock what we needed to with groceries and filled up the tank with gas. I also spoke with SDG&E on behalf of the Queen Mother, and we are re-enrolled in their special cost-cutting program for another two years. Those are the good things that happened today.

The vexing part was the call to AARP. Apparently, since the Queen Mother already has a supplemental insurance plan, which we chose years ago, she can't "double dip" and get an additional plan. Apparently I was unclear about the whole Supplemental Insurance concept, so at the hearing tomorrow, I won't have anything to offer. Needless to say, I had a nice freakout over it all, as yet more Deep Fear had an opportunity to be recognized and rise to the surface. (More on that later.) 

I had thought briefly about blogging earlier, and I'm glad I didn't, because it would have sounded rather apocalyptic. Fortunately, a friend of ours who also happens to be in the Union that supports IHSS Providers called and talked to me. She didn't talk me off of the cliff, as I had already come down from the cliff at that point, but she did help to settle some jangled nerves, and she has offered further assistance tomorrow after the hearing. I plan to call her and stragetize, because I believe I will need it.

Can I say I'm not fond of trying to learn as I go? I prefer to have things mapped out before I take a plunge. With this part of the odyssey, though, I am, to borrow a sister blogger's phase, pantsing it - that is, navigating by the seat of my pants. I can only hope that I can pass along my experience down the line to some other caregiver who is entering the arena for the first time; that would make this hot mess of a Quest worthwhile.

I'm also glad that I'm allergic to alcohol, or I would have found a bottle to crawl into long before this, and not wanted to come out. I guess that's why I drink Arnold Palmers (tea + lemonade) and frappucchinos instead. :p

At any rate, whatever prayers you can send for tomorrow, at 1pm Pacific Time, would be most appreeciated. In the meantime, you'll find me in a mandala, coloring away... 

Day 109: on coming out from under

The Heavies from yesterday followed me into today. :p

Basically, I'm waiting on a direct deposit from the State to replenish my account so I can take care of the essentials (like grocery shopping), as well as to get the Queen Mother signed up with her supplemental insurance. I was advised she would need to rejoin AARP in order to take advantage of the insurance. The fee to rejoin is not horrid, but as I currently have less than a dollar in the bank, it's Not Doable at the moment. Add to that the fact the Queen Mother's Medi-Cal hearing is this Thursday, and I'm more than a little antsy about that money coming in, hopefully sooner rather than later! Fortunately, Himself found a small check that he was able to deposit today, so we were able to nip to Trader Joe's and grab a few essentials.

Yesterday and part of today, I felt like I was back in the 2018 dumpster fire again: money all around me, but swirling just out of reach, and no knowing exactly when I would be getting any of it. I think I'm making progress in moving forward in my life and replenishing my well, but when something like this happens, I see how little progress I've made after all, and I find myself stuck like the turtle on my back, limbs flailing as I try to find purchase on something, anything, to grab onto and right myself. 

Today, though, I did find purchase, and righted myself. I took a nap during the day and woke up to get the Queen Mother's dinner ready. Usually I try to keep going, and wind up crashing, totally mentally and emotionally spent, in the evening, after dinner; of course, this doesn't help my trying to get a good night's sleep one bit. With the daytime nap, though, I felt as though I finally had a chance to unclench, and take full breaths again. 

Now I am listening to some "meditative" music on Pandora, something I am beginning to practice consistently this year: from roughly 6:30 to 7:30 in the evening, I'm in my room, listening to my calm music instead of the news, which the Queen Mother chooses instead. I call it my Sanity Hour. ;)

I'm going to tidy up a bit when I'm done here, check on the Queen Mother, then settle back in and color some more of my latest mandala. Tomorrow is indeed another day, and hopefully, one with money! 

Day 16: on the breaking of tension by my moonflow

(aka, "holy crap! she's gonna be writing about her menstrual period!")

Today I received the unmistakable notice that "Auntie Flow" was once again making her monthly-ish visit. I'm steadily creeping forward in the lunar cycle, thanks to the gift of Peri-Menopause. I'm no longer a spring chicken - more likely a midsummer one - so I'm not quite going an entire month between times of bleeding. I'm not as bad as I used to be, though, when my hormones were so out of whack that there wasn't a real rhyme or reason to any part of my cycle! That, however, is story in and of itself, which I will save for another time.

Anyway...I'm not entirely surprised that I'm starting my Moonflow today, because I've been feeling the Tension building within me for a couple of days prior. I call it part of my Pre-Menstrual Sensitivity: my temper grows shorter, and my patience dissipates much faster, as my desire to Go Within and Turn Away from "the outside world" increases exponentially. For a few days before, and for the first part of my Moonflow, I might as well have a sign on my door that says, "Deposit Dark Chocolate at Entry and Walk Away. Will Emerge Eventually." With the initial trickle, however, I always heave a huge sigh of relief; as I seem to regain a bit of my patience and stability, I can now stand down and pull the claws back in. ;)

Those couple of days beforehand this time were doozies. The Queen Mother was in a foul mood on Friday, because she had to see her doctor. Just as her mood got better, Himself and I advised her of our plan to help a friend with transportation up to LAX - and right back into Foulness she went. I found myself in a foul mood that reflected her foul mood, and there were times when we unfortunately amplified one another. As yesterday unfolded, though, the words of Wisdom a friend had shared with me finally sunk in. I am responsible, to a certain degree, for mom's Health. I am NOT responsible, to ANY degree, for her Happiness! If she wants to be in a bitchy mood all day, that's Her Choice, and I can just let her stew in her own juices until she chooses otherwise. Some days will be easier to remember this than others; when I forget, Himself has promised to remind me.

As for the trip up to LAX and back home itself, it wasn't bad at all. Outside of the airport, traffic was actually behaving, a rare event in Los Angeles County! Inside, of course, was another story, but we followed our noses and everything worked out for the best. We even had time for a necessary Pit Stop before returning home. We got back before midnight, which is the Queen Mother's usual bedtime, and I tucked her in per usual. :)

The bad news: the next day or so will not be fun, as the Queen Mother has a dental appointment tomorrow, and I have to go with her to make sure everything gets communicated smoothly. She's not only "losing words" from her vocabulary, she's also mostly deaf and refuses to wear hearing aids. Once that's taken care of, there will be the matter of breaking the news to her that Himself and I will be flying out to Phoenix for a long weekend. It's a service conference for him, but it will be a much needed Vacation for me! Since I've had my a-ha moment, though, I'm not nearly as worried as to what her reaction will be once she learns of our plans. We are having a friend with caregiving experience come over for those days that we're gone, to keep an eye on her and keep her company. Mom is complaining more and more of loneliness, so this will be helpful, especially if she and her designated caregiver hit it off.

The good news: I should be finished with my Moonflow by the time the conference begins, so I'll be able to take advantage of the waterslide and the heated swimming pool at the hotel! I envision myself spending a lot of time poolside, in fact.

Some vexing news: I'm registered with In Home Supportive Services, an organization run by the state of California that treats me as the "employee" of the Queen Mother, so I'm paid by the state government. Somehow, they've messed up my paycheck for the first part of the month - my income for this pay period has been "eaten up" completely by deductions. I don't understand it either, and I was counting on that money to make this vacation a smooth one! So I'll be making a phone call tomorrow morning and hope that someone merely put a decimal point in the wrong place, and this can be resolved sooner rather than later!

If it's not one thing, it's another, am I right?
And all I want right now is some dark chocolate and my mandala coloring book. :p
Ah, well. This will all work out for the best...