Before I address the current state of affairs, I wanted to update everyone with Himself's test results...
Best news: it's NOT malignant cancer. It's benign. He is still technically In Remission! We both heaved huge sighs of relief at that news.
What it is: a Desmoid Tumor. It is associated with his specific genetic condition, which gave him a gazillion polyps in his GI system. They don't metastasize per se, but they can grow and become obnoxious if they come to block any key bodily processes.
At the moment, Himself only has the one desmoid in his mesentary, which means it can move/be moved about. We will see if the CBD oil has any effect upon it, now that we can afford to get CBD oil again in timely fashion. Everyone agreed just to keep an eye upon it for now, and do surgery to remove it only if it becomes obnoxious. This is because they tend to grow back; how likely they are to return depends upon who you ask.
Glad that we don't have to worry about that in our current situation. More about that to come in the next post. Stay tuned!
Showing posts with label Finding Answers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Finding Answers. Show all posts
Monday, March 23, 2020
Thursday, January 9, 2020
notes on the queen mother
Here we are, a bit more than a week into the new year/decade, and this is the first entry on this blog for 2020. I will be honest, I've been rather distracted by the Queen Mother for much of this time. She had a pair of doctors appointments on the 2nd, and has been on a downhill slope ever since. (Not a steep slope, but moving in a definite downhill direction nonetheless.) :(
What it looks like: she has been getting up later in the morning. She eats breakfast, but not as much as in the past, and then lies down again until sometime in the afternoon. Her dinner has also been shrinking, just a little. She will watch tv in the evening, then go to bed earlier than usual. She says something is "not right," but can't articulate exactly what is wrong. She is a bit more confused with her words, and has a little more trouble following along in a conversation.
Some of the problem was solved with her last Primary Care appointment; though we had received the letters with her test results, it was only when we were visiting with Dr. M. that we learned that mom's brain had shrunk, moreso than what can be accounted for with normal aging. He prescribed Aricept for her, but that might also be contributing to the severity of this "episode." (It has previously taken her a day or two to recover from going out and coming back home, but this has been going on for a week, with no sign of significant improvement.) As for the other appointment, she went to see the eye doctor, who declared she was now a "good candidate" for cataract surgery. We have the initial consultation scheduled for March.
On the one hand, I would like to take mom to urgent care to see if there's something underlying that might have been previously missed, that might be making its presence known now. On the other hand, getting her out of the house and returning home again is not only physically taxing, it also disrupts her routine, which is becoming ever more precious to her. So I'm not entirely sure how to proceed. Maybe find a doctor that can come to the house?
I have been pretty well staying home, reluctant to leave the house in case she needs help with something. Yesterday I helped her for the first time with taking a shower. The pain in her back and knees remains pretty well constant. I managed to get out for an hour today to pick up a few groceries, but what I really want to do is to get out and not have an errand or two to pursue, just have a wee respite. This, of course, would mean that Himself would have to stay at home for a few extra hours. Easier said than done, as he is up to his eyeballs in year-end financial reporting, since the Alano Club is a nonprofit organization. I remember a thing or two about that from my bookkeeping days, many moons ago.
So there you have it. Hopefully more to come later, Queen Mother permitting...
What it looks like: she has been getting up later in the morning. She eats breakfast, but not as much as in the past, and then lies down again until sometime in the afternoon. Her dinner has also been shrinking, just a little. She will watch tv in the evening, then go to bed earlier than usual. She says something is "not right," but can't articulate exactly what is wrong. She is a bit more confused with her words, and has a little more trouble following along in a conversation.
Some of the problem was solved with her last Primary Care appointment; though we had received the letters with her test results, it was only when we were visiting with Dr. M. that we learned that mom's brain had shrunk, moreso than what can be accounted for with normal aging. He prescribed Aricept for her, but that might also be contributing to the severity of this "episode." (It has previously taken her a day or two to recover from going out and coming back home, but this has been going on for a week, with no sign of significant improvement.) As for the other appointment, she went to see the eye doctor, who declared she was now a "good candidate" for cataract surgery. We have the initial consultation scheduled for March.
On the one hand, I would like to take mom to urgent care to see if there's something underlying that might have been previously missed, that might be making its presence known now. On the other hand, getting her out of the house and returning home again is not only physically taxing, it also disrupts her routine, which is becoming ever more precious to her. So I'm not entirely sure how to proceed. Maybe find a doctor that can come to the house?
I have been pretty well staying home, reluctant to leave the house in case she needs help with something. Yesterday I helped her for the first time with taking a shower. The pain in her back and knees remains pretty well constant. I managed to get out for an hour today to pick up a few groceries, but what I really want to do is to get out and not have an errand or two to pursue, just have a wee respite. This, of course, would mean that Himself would have to stay at home for a few extra hours. Easier said than done, as he is up to his eyeballs in year-end financial reporting, since the Alano Club is a nonprofit organization. I remember a thing or two about that from my bookkeeping days, many moons ago.
So there you have it. Hopefully more to come later, Queen Mother permitting...
Thursday, September 12, 2019
Day 341-ish: speaking of oopsies...
I didn't even realize I had not blogged yesterday until right before I went to bed! I thought briefly about turning my tablet back on and dashing off something quick, but I let it go and promised myself that I would pick up where I left off tomorrow, and here I am.
I might have been a bit perturbed for about thirty seconds, but I realized pretty quickly that it was actually a reflection on how good my Self-Care had been yesterday: keeping my exposure to ALL media at a minimum, as I am in a rebuilding and recentering process right now, and I really didn't have the bandwidth to witness any explorations of Collective Grieving and Angst at this time. Next year, I will share my story, because I do have one. If you live in the US, for sure you have one, and I saw one or two of them briefly today.
Though I was pretty well offline yesterday, I was not totally sequestered at home. I accompanied Himself to the VA Medical Center in La Jolla for his Neurology follow up appointment, which came at the perfect time, so we could discuss what was going on with his leg with the new resident. After some Q & A and evaluation, our current working hypothesis is that his leg issue doesn't have anything to do with his cholesterol medication at all, but is instead a pinched nerve that starts just below his abdomen and moves down into his thigh. That would explain 1) why he had cramping in just one leg and not the other one, as well as 2) the "Mystery Pain" he had earlier this year. He has a short-term solution (a new medication and an injection into his nerve to dampen down the signals) that will help him work on his long-term solution of Exercise to drop his weight and create some new blood vessels in his leg.
The Queen Mother has also been keeping me on my toes. Besides having another gallstone episode today, she has been complaining about the arrangements of the cushions and pillows on the couch. If you are familiar with the story of "The Princess and the Pea," you have an idea of what I'm talking about. The only difference is that the "pea" is her nerves that express constant discontent in sitting still on the sofa, and one group of nerves or another fires off - and she still strives to find the Perfect Arrangement of Soft Things that will shut them up, if only for a few hours at a time. At least she seems to be letting go of the cats being "imprisoned" indoors, at last!
I had one set of plans for today, and Himself had another set of plans. He fulfilled his, while I stayed home to watch after the Queen Mother (due to the gallstone episode I mentioned above). I move my plans to Saturday, and wait to see if I will actually get to them. Tomorrow looks to be a bit of a busy day, but I'm not 100% sure about that. It will depend on the Queen Mother's health.
I will be picking up where I left off, and look forward to completing the challenge of this Daily Blogging next month. :)
I might have been a bit perturbed for about thirty seconds, but I realized pretty quickly that it was actually a reflection on how good my Self-Care had been yesterday: keeping my exposure to ALL media at a minimum, as I am in a rebuilding and recentering process right now, and I really didn't have the bandwidth to witness any explorations of Collective Grieving and Angst at this time. Next year, I will share my story, because I do have one. If you live in the US, for sure you have one, and I saw one or two of them briefly today.
Though I was pretty well offline yesterday, I was not totally sequestered at home. I accompanied Himself to the VA Medical Center in La Jolla for his Neurology follow up appointment, which came at the perfect time, so we could discuss what was going on with his leg with the new resident. After some Q & A and evaluation, our current working hypothesis is that his leg issue doesn't have anything to do with his cholesterol medication at all, but is instead a pinched nerve that starts just below his abdomen and moves down into his thigh. That would explain 1) why he had cramping in just one leg and not the other one, as well as 2) the "Mystery Pain" he had earlier this year. He has a short-term solution (a new medication and an injection into his nerve to dampen down the signals) that will help him work on his long-term solution of Exercise to drop his weight and create some new blood vessels in his leg.
The Queen Mother has also been keeping me on my toes. Besides having another gallstone episode today, she has been complaining about the arrangements of the cushions and pillows on the couch. If you are familiar with the story of "The Princess and the Pea," you have an idea of what I'm talking about. The only difference is that the "pea" is her nerves that express constant discontent in sitting still on the sofa, and one group of nerves or another fires off - and she still strives to find the Perfect Arrangement of Soft Things that will shut them up, if only for a few hours at a time. At least she seems to be letting go of the cats being "imprisoned" indoors, at last!
I had one set of plans for today, and Himself had another set of plans. He fulfilled his, while I stayed home to watch after the Queen Mother (due to the gallstone episode I mentioned above). I move my plans to Saturday, and wait to see if I will actually get to them. Tomorrow looks to be a bit of a busy day, but I'm not 100% sure about that. It will depend on the Queen Mother's health.
I will be picking up where I left off, and look forward to completing the challenge of this Daily Blogging next month. :)
Saturday, September 7, 2019
Day 337: on a good outcome
Himself and I did not get to the VA Medical Center when we had planned, but not for lack of trying; his mind was willing, but his body was another matter. We arrived at the Emergency Room at about 11am, two hours later than what we had aimed for.
The good news: we were there for "only" 5 1/2 hours.
The better news: we were able to make his usual Saturday evening meeting in a timely fashion.
The best news: there are no blood clots or other worriesome developments. He did not need to be admitted (which we were both anticipating), nor did he need any horrid procedures to be done upon his legs (which we were also both anticipating). He has a pharmacy appointment on Monday, wherein he will be exploring Life-Without-a-Statin options. We have already found some promising leads in that regard.
While passing time in the Emergency Room, I managed to get a small salad of lettuce, kale, cranberries, almonds, and parmesan cheese slices, which I had with some peanut butter pretzels. I got Himself some cracker "sandwiches" and granola bars, because of his lack of a colon. Then the nurse brought us some turkey sandwiches; I gave Himself my turkey and ate his and my lettuce and tomato in a quasi-veggie sandwich. We both made up for the slender pickings after the meeting, with some very tasty Greek food, even if I wound up bringing home half of my dinner in a box for tomorrow. :q
Both of us are happy that there wasn't anything terrible (not) circulating in his legs, and that he will improve as he moves the statin out of his body. We are intending to attend our Sunday support group tomorrow, but will see, depending on how Himself's leg feels.
The good news: we were there for "only" 5 1/2 hours.
The better news: we were able to make his usual Saturday evening meeting in a timely fashion.
The best news: there are no blood clots or other worriesome developments. He did not need to be admitted (which we were both anticipating), nor did he need any horrid procedures to be done upon his legs (which we were also both anticipating). He has a pharmacy appointment on Monday, wherein he will be exploring Life-Without-a-Statin options. We have already found some promising leads in that regard.
While passing time in the Emergency Room, I managed to get a small salad of lettuce, kale, cranberries, almonds, and parmesan cheese slices, which I had with some peanut butter pretzels. I got Himself some cracker "sandwiches" and granola bars, because of his lack of a colon. Then the nurse brought us some turkey sandwiches; I gave Himself my turkey and ate his and my lettuce and tomato in a quasi-veggie sandwich. We both made up for the slender pickings after the meeting, with some very tasty Greek food, even if I wound up bringing home half of my dinner in a box for tomorrow. :q
Both of us are happy that there wasn't anything terrible (not) circulating in his legs, and that he will improve as he moves the statin out of his body. We are intending to attend our Sunday support group tomorrow, but will see, depending on how Himself's leg feels.
Tuesday, August 20, 2019
Day 319: on a plot twist
The Queen Mother does not want to leave the house unless she absolutely has to. When she came up to me and asked to visit Urgent Care, I knew it was something significant for her. Yes, I was a bit cranky about it at first, but between breakfast and showering, I got over myself, and we got her over to urgent care.
You see, she had developed these red spots on her hands, after developing one her upper arm, and before developing one on the side of her neck. She was examined and pronounced Shingle Free, at least. The official diagnosis was "contact dermatitis," which means her skin didn't like something she had touched. We are thinking perhaps a combination of too much Icy Hot cream (which she spreads liberally upon her one knee that complains all of the time) and a flea bite or two, which means it's time to re-up the flea treatment for the cats.
We got a prescription called in to the pharmacy to be picked up, where the darkly amusing part comes in: if I had picked up the combination anti-itch cream as originally prescribed, her insurance would not have covered it; when I agreed to pick up the two uncombined, separate anti-itch creams, her insurance covered them both. This is Government Logic in action! Go figure...
The Queen Mother is not completely cured this evening, but she is at least well on her way to being itch-free, and the redness has all but disappeared. Looks like we'll be keeping the follow up appointment with her doctor after all, even after I had dropped off the letter she had written explaining why she wasn't going to take her Fosamax. All's Well That Ends Well, as the Bard says.
Busy tomorrow, but I'm not unhappy at all. More to Be Revealed - !
Friday, August 9, 2019
Day 308: on a firmer friday
Even though I set the wrong alarm to get up this morning, the Queen Mother served as an excellent alarm clock, and we got her to her Bone Density appointment on time. There was some paperwork I had to (help her) fill out, and a couple of items had to be guessed at, because she could not remember the dates and I was not yet present in this lifetime to know the answer.
The biggest challenge was getting her up on the table for the examination. The tech was very helpful, but stepstools and beds down as far as they can go are still not "mother-sized." Not only is she more petite than the average bear, but the havoc wreaked on her knees and ankles by the osteoarthritis, the rickets, and so forth, make it more and more difficult for her to get up onto the stepstool-then-table and back down again. The time may come in the near future when she has to be lifted up and down; at any rate, today we managed and came home fairly quickly afterward. We will be discussing all of the tests with Dr. M. next week.
Once back home, later meals and extended naps became the order of the day. She was rather wiped out from her medical "adventure" out of the house, and I was happy to nap as well. After a few hours, I went to Rite Aid to get some glucosamine for her joints (and got a sweet deal: buy one get one for $1. Yes please!), a refill of our large water jug, and a quick trip to Trader Joe's for some ice cream, which I forgot yesterday. While out, I also ducked in to our local grocer for some fresh white vinegar.
This week we have been having some ant challenges, as they found the contents of the trash can particularly tasty. I was able to pull myself together enough to see what I could use for a non-toxic repellent - and white vinegar, in a 50/50 mix with water, fit the bill. I had to get some new vinegar to replace what we had to throw out after our "Fumigation Staycation" a couple of months ago. I got an unused spray bottle, mixed the water and vinegar, and went to town. So far so good. I also went out into our patio and cleaned up the mess I had made getting all of the ants out of our house. Not only do I have an ant repellent, the mix works well in cleaning countertops too! Bonus round. :)
The Queen Mother is fine right now; she's watching an episode of the rebooted Magnum PI at this moment. For the most part, I had a better today than I did yesterday, with just one gnarly Heavy episode that dissipated on its own. As tomorrow is going to be a stay-at-home venture, I'm looking forward to a bit of huswifery and a homemade egg sandwich for breakfast, along with some more Self-Care.
The biggest challenge was getting her up on the table for the examination. The tech was very helpful, but stepstools and beds down as far as they can go are still not "mother-sized." Not only is she more petite than the average bear, but the havoc wreaked on her knees and ankles by the osteoarthritis, the rickets, and so forth, make it more and more difficult for her to get up onto the stepstool-then-table and back down again. The time may come in the near future when she has to be lifted up and down; at any rate, today we managed and came home fairly quickly afterward. We will be discussing all of the tests with Dr. M. next week.
Once back home, later meals and extended naps became the order of the day. She was rather wiped out from her medical "adventure" out of the house, and I was happy to nap as well. After a few hours, I went to Rite Aid to get some glucosamine for her joints (and got a sweet deal: buy one get one for $1. Yes please!), a refill of our large water jug, and a quick trip to Trader Joe's for some ice cream, which I forgot yesterday. While out, I also ducked in to our local grocer for some fresh white vinegar.
This week we have been having some ant challenges, as they found the contents of the trash can particularly tasty. I was able to pull myself together enough to see what I could use for a non-toxic repellent - and white vinegar, in a 50/50 mix with water, fit the bill. I had to get some new vinegar to replace what we had to throw out after our "Fumigation Staycation" a couple of months ago. I got an unused spray bottle, mixed the water and vinegar, and went to town. So far so good. I also went out into our patio and cleaned up the mess I had made getting all of the ants out of our house. Not only do I have an ant repellent, the mix works well in cleaning countertops too! Bonus round. :)
The Queen Mother is fine right now; she's watching an episode of the rebooted Magnum PI at this moment. For the most part, I had a better today than I did yesterday, with just one gnarly Heavy episode that dissipated on its own. As tomorrow is going to be a stay-at-home venture, I'm looking forward to a bit of huswifery and a homemade egg sandwich for breakfast, along with some more Self-Care.
Thursday, July 18, 2019
Day 286: on getting some answers
Getting up three days in a row (relatively) early is not my cup of tea, especially when I feel like I'm back to carrying the weight of the world upon my shoulders, so I'll cut to the chase...
Good news: the Queen Mother's liver panel came back normal (no hepatitis), though the ultrasound revealed that she had gallstones. It's not life-threatening, though.
Great news: Himself is still in remission. There is one nodule in his belly area that looks a bit suspicious, even though it shrunk (according to the latest CT scan), so they want to do another PET scan next time just to be on the safe side. The doctors were not super worried, though.
A miracle: Himself and I paid a visit "across the way" to one of his friends who underwent brain surgery yesterday. Today he was alive, and awake, and talking, and eating! The wonders of modern medicine are underestimated at one's peril.
It was a long day of collecting test results and appointments, and I didn't make my support group. We arrived home at 4:45, but after feeding the cats and getting the Queen Mother's dinner ready, it was a choice between going to the support group and fixing my own dinner. Food is going to win Every Time, as it did here.
That wraps up today, so now I'm going to bed and will see what is most needful to be done tomorrow.
Monday, May 20, 2019
Day 227: on a break in the pattern
The skies were that mix of clouds and sun that inspires paintings. The rain is expected to come back overnight tonight, maybe a bit into tomorrow. Friday is our only day to have actual clear skies. If anyone back East is suffering from excess heat, they are welcome to come out here. Our Summer seems to have been postponed due to a longer than normal spring.
The good news: we DO NOT have a slab leak! What is really going on: the pipes for the kitchen, washer/dryer, and bathrooms are not set deeply into the ground, so if we take several showers consecutively, or use a lot of hot water otherwise, we might feel some heat. If the heat spreads out to cover the entire floor, and/or we find excessive moisture building up, THEN we have an issue. Happy that our homeowner's insurance covered the cost of the nice plumbing gentleman to come out and check for the slab leak.
That was the only part of the day that went "as planned" before the schedule went sideways. The Queen Mother would rather shower tomorrow instead of today, thank you, and Himself has a meeting tomorrow evening he needs to attend, so I had to change plans in the calendar - and found myself getting peeved at having to rearrange the calendar, because what had been laid out suited ME just fine. So I did a little Work around that.
I also noted I was feeling more like Isolating myself, as in "leave the dark chocolate at the door and step away, thank you kindly." I might not be actively Flowing yet, but I'm getting close. At least I had a chance today to fortify myself with some of the aforementioned dark chocolate.
Shower vs. Appointment tomorrow: we shall see which way the wind blows.
The good news: we DO NOT have a slab leak! What is really going on: the pipes for the kitchen, washer/dryer, and bathrooms are not set deeply into the ground, so if we take several showers consecutively, or use a lot of hot water otherwise, we might feel some heat. If the heat spreads out to cover the entire floor, and/or we find excessive moisture building up, THEN we have an issue. Happy that our homeowner's insurance covered the cost of the nice plumbing gentleman to come out and check for the slab leak.
That was the only part of the day that went "as planned" before the schedule went sideways. The Queen Mother would rather shower tomorrow instead of today, thank you, and Himself has a meeting tomorrow evening he needs to attend, so I had to change plans in the calendar - and found myself getting peeved at having to rearrange the calendar, because what had been laid out suited ME just fine. So I did a little Work around that.
I also noted I was feeling more like Isolating myself, as in "leave the dark chocolate at the door and step away, thank you kindly." I might not be actively Flowing yet, but I'm getting close. At least I had a chance today to fortify myself with some of the aforementioned dark chocolate.
Shower vs. Appointment tomorrow: we shall see which way the wind blows.
Tuesday, May 7, 2019
Day 214: on what happened next
The Reader's Digest version: yes, Himself had a heart attack, but it wasn't as serious as the cardiologists feared. He is now the proud owner of a swank new stent.
The slightly longer version:
The Queen Mother took her weekly-ish shower First Thing, before breakfast. We had breakfast together, then I showered. I was left a message that Himself went to the Cath Lab while I was breakfasting, so I didn't have to rush down to the hospital. I got a few essential things from Trader Joe's and put some gas in the tank - thank you Federal Tax Refund! Then I went down.
The two hour procedure had an extra hour added onto it, due to the insertion of said swank new stent. Himself then called me on my cell to let me know he was back in his room, so upstairs I went. He/we received a few visitors today. His blood pressure and heart rate are way better today than they were yesterday, so they finally fed him some dinner, and he was ready to eat it..
I came home to feed the Queen Mother (and myself) dinner, then went back down to spend a bit more time with him. Both of them want more time with me, which makes it a challenge to juggle mom time with husband time; so far, though, I say it's working. (They would individually grumble.)
Playing it by ear tomorrow, depending on what the cardiologists and Physical Therapy folks have to say. The latter group wants to make sure he will be steady enough on his feet. We will also see if he can make his eye appointment (which happens to be in a different department in the same facility) in the afternoon; either way, I will be driving him home.
I managed to get the mail from the mailbox this evening. All will abide until he gets home, whenever that happens to be.
Tuesday, March 12, 2019
Day 158: on clearing the "backlog"
I managed to take care of a few things that I wasn't able to take care of last week, with all of the craziness unfolding around me. One of the phone calls I made was to the DMV to see what had happened to the paperwork I requested last month. Would you believe they said they had already sent it out on February 20th? They assured me they would reprint the information today and resend it tomorrow.
I have also sighted the summit of the mountain. Himself managed to reach his VA attorney, who said they were actually going to submit their case in the next two weeks, and that we should have at least a verdict by the end of April. With Mercury in retrograde, we want them to take all the time they need to make sure all of their ducks are in a row. So the summit is a little further up than I thought it would be, but I have an endpoint here as well. Now I need to conjure up some Loaves and Fishes magick on my end, so I can get some bills paid.
I'm still edging out of Survival Mode, and writing around the thoughts and feelings that are arising. More on this as I continue processing.
Inkblot is finally interested in Going Outside, but he is still under "house arrest" until the Cone of Shame is removed. Hopefully the vet will be able to remove his drain on Thursday, which will make him feel better. I brushed him today, as he hasn't been able to groom himself while wearing his cone.
I am still rather Tired, so I think I will sign off here. I will definitely have more to share tomorrow.
I have also sighted the summit of the mountain. Himself managed to reach his VA attorney, who said they were actually going to submit their case in the next two weeks, and that we should have at least a verdict by the end of April. With Mercury in retrograde, we want them to take all the time they need to make sure all of their ducks are in a row. So the summit is a little further up than I thought it would be, but I have an endpoint here as well. Now I need to conjure up some Loaves and Fishes magick on my end, so I can get some bills paid.
I'm still edging out of Survival Mode, and writing around the thoughts and feelings that are arising. More on this as I continue processing.
Inkblot is finally interested in Going Outside, but he is still under "house arrest" until the Cone of Shame is removed. Hopefully the vet will be able to remove his drain on Thursday, which will make him feel better. I brushed him today, as he hasn't been able to groom himself while wearing his cone.
I am still rather Tired, so I think I will sign off here. I will definitely have more to share tomorrow.
Friday, February 8, 2019
Day 126: on a good ending to the week
We all agreed to stick to the agenda today, and pulled ourselves together to make it over to the Social Security office. We wound up being there for less than an hour (!), and with the Queen Mother present, we have obtained one of the magic numbers we were looking for: the year she began receiving her Social Security payments. If I am right, and either the doctor's records or the DMV records back me up, the other magic number - the year she was first certified as "disabled" - will be before this number, and this will help to qualify her for the "Working Disabled" program that the state of California has.
Having this documentation helped me to breathe a bit easier today. Hearing that we are going to receive some more support (in the form of gift cards for groceries and gas) also helped me to breathe a bit easier. Now I can focus of perhaps paying some of the more vital bills that we need to take care of!
Yesterday I couldn't see the way forward, for the fog had rolled in and obscured my Vision. Today the fog is lifting, and I am beginning to see the way forward once more. A very good way to end the week. :)
Having this documentation helped me to breathe a bit easier today. Hearing that we are going to receive some more support (in the form of gift cards for groceries and gas) also helped me to breathe a bit easier. Now I can focus of perhaps paying some of the more vital bills that we need to take care of!
Yesterday I couldn't see the way forward, for the fog had rolled in and obscured my Vision. Today the fog is lifting, and I am beginning to see the way forward once more. A very good way to end the week. :)
Thursday, January 24, 2019
Day 111: on dispatching a nightmare
Himself and I attended the Queen Mother's Medi-Cal hearing today. I was going in not knowing exactly what was going to happen, and with the Deep Fear that I hinted at last night nipping at my heels: namely, I had a significant fear of being Judged, Convicted, and Punished. I am not terribly fond of official Authority Figures for this reason. The explanation for this fear is rather esoteric and convoluted, so I'll spare y'all the details, but I will be happy to discuss it privately.
So, the hearing...we arrived early, in case I had to wait forever for my number to be called. I met with the Appeals person who had been assigned to my case; she laid everything out in Plain English. We waited until the judge was ready, then entered. I will admit my shoulders dropped about a foot when I saw the judge was a woman. The appeals person talked first, then we responded, and had a very good discussion.
The wheels of bureaucracy turn slowly, and we were inspired with a couple of options to pursue - One I somehow hadn't thought of before, and one I had pursued earlier, but had dismissed as "unworkable." Having had it explained to me more distinctly, I see that it might be very workable. So to see whether or not this latter option is indeed workable, Himself and I will be making a wee trip to the DMV tomorrow. More to come...
I left the County office not just relieved, but reinvigorated. Everyone I've interacted with so far has been very nice and very patient with this somewhat overwhelmed and confused caregiver. I press on in my Epic Quest. I walked through a nightmare and watched it dissolve as I emerged on the other side.
The complicated part of the day came with our subsequent trip down to the VA Medical Center, as Himself needed to renew several of his medications. To summarize, one was delayed (but he got it renewed), and one was missing (and supposedly expired, so he will need to talk to his Primary doctor about that next week). Eventually we made it out, and eventually we made it home, rather late for dinner. The Queen Mother was a bit miffed, but settled down once her food was on the table.
Pharmacy hijinx aside, today was a much better day than I thought it was going to be. Now to double check for the Queen Mother at the DMV tomorrow. :)
Friday, January 18, 2019
Day 105: on some more successful adulting
It's a very good thing I utilize the phone on my calendar, because it wasn't until after I had logged off yesterday that I realized the Queen Mother had her quarterly doctor's appointment today! These days I allow an hour for her to get dressed, get into her trusty "chariot," get her to the car, help her into the car, drive to the doctor's office, get her out of the car, get her back into her "chariot," and get her wheeled up to the office in time for her appointment. It's as elaborate and exhausting as it reads.
Good news: the Queen Mother has gained a little weight since her last visit. Possibly not so good news: her blood pressure went up a little more than I would have liked. The doctor wasn't concerned, but I will keep an eye on it. It's my intuition giving me a little nudge, you know? We paid a visit to Radiology afterwards, to get an X-ray of her middle back and see if she had any compression fractures that might be causing her pain. Fortunately, there weren't any. Aside from sticking with what we're doing, I will need to find a B-complex vitamin that isn't the size of a horse pill sometime next week, per the doctor's recommendation.
Meanwhile, in the Epic Medi-Cal Quest, I spoke with a nice and helpful lady in the Appeals department, who explained things in a way that made a whole lot of sense: the Federal Poverty line is reset each April, not January, so it was that reset that increased the amount the Queen Mother's income was over the line by tenfold, but no one informed us about this until October. So our appeal is to make sure we have the last year covered, to ensure the state doesn't start asking for their money back. I believe I will have the required supplemental insurance ready to present to the Medi-Cal folks early next week, so that should take care of this particular Quest. Then we will have to see what the guidelines become for this coming April...and I really hope we don't have to do this whole dog and pony show again. :p
The whole process has become this larger-than-life game where everyone I interact with gives me a piece of the puzzle, and my road map becomes clearer and better defined as I put the pieces together.
I kind of botched dinner this evening, as I didn't quite follow the directions on the bag of garlic pasta shells, and I didn't realize that the seasoning wasn't in its own little individual packet, to be added once the pasta was cooked. I managed to salvage it enough, as the shells were still edible, and the salad was good. After dinner, Himself and I went to our usual Friday night meetings, and mine was rather good. I can feel like total crap before I go, but when the meeting is over, I feel refreshed and reinvigorated. This too is a source of support, even if some of the connections aren't as tight as in some of my other groups.
Speaking of - tomorrow the Sunday group that Himself and I attend are gathering for our "annual" luncheon. I'm looking very much forward to good food eaten in good company. The rest of the day will be played by ear, but I'm sure we'll manage quite nicely. :)
Thursday, November 8, 2018
Day 34: on making progress
I made several phone calls today (in the interest of saving gas and stress) and have a much clearer picture of what is going on. For the record, everyone I have talked to has been very nice and courteous, both in person and on the phone. :)
At any rate...the Share of Cost is NOT something we owe the state of California. (whew!) It's actually a deductible that needs to be met before the state will cover the Queen Mother's expenses. The confusion started when we asked Social Security to cover her dental plan premium payment; yes, they will actually do that, depending on the health plan and (I presume) the state you live in. Once that happened, mom got bumped back over the Poverty Line. Technically, she should have had a Share of Cost attached to her Medi-Cal starting in April, but no one realized what was up (including us) until October.
With the help of a lovely social worker from our local Legal Aid, we managed to get the Share of Cost set aside again, until the Queen Mother's annual re-evaluation in December. This time I'm waiting until I have the Notice of Action letter in my hot little hands before I return to IHSS and get the reimbursement process going. In the meatime, I have a decision to appeal, paperwork to fill out, and a bit of sleuthing to do. I have a lot of notes that I jotted down today to assist me, along with a helpful ally in the form of the above-mentioned social worker.
My brain was a bit fried after all of those phone calls, but I have rested for a few hours since then, and I feel better. I definitely feel better than I did at the beginning the week! :)
I'm also pretty certain that I will be able to swing a "daycation" on Saturday. It's more of a business trip for Himself, but it will be an opportunity to color in my mandala book for me. Our friend who was going to stay with the Queen Mother while we were away on vacation last month - until those plans were torpedoed - will come and stay with mom on Saturday. This will be a better introduction anyway, with mom being watched for just one day instead of four or five.
By degrees, I begin to feel hopeful again, that perhaps there are solutions within easy reach. :D
At any rate...the Share of Cost is NOT something we owe the state of California. (whew!) It's actually a deductible that needs to be met before the state will cover the Queen Mother's expenses. The confusion started when we asked Social Security to cover her dental plan premium payment; yes, they will actually do that, depending on the health plan and (I presume) the state you live in. Once that happened, mom got bumped back over the Poverty Line. Technically, she should have had a Share of Cost attached to her Medi-Cal starting in April, but no one realized what was up (including us) until October.
With the help of a lovely social worker from our local Legal Aid, we managed to get the Share of Cost set aside again, until the Queen Mother's annual re-evaluation in December. This time I'm waiting until I have the Notice of Action letter in my hot little hands before I return to IHSS and get the reimbursement process going. In the meatime, I have a decision to appeal, paperwork to fill out, and a bit of sleuthing to do. I have a lot of notes that I jotted down today to assist me, along with a helpful ally in the form of the above-mentioned social worker.
My brain was a bit fried after all of those phone calls, but I have rested for a few hours since then, and I feel better. I definitely feel better than I did at the beginning the week! :)
I'm also pretty certain that I will be able to swing a "daycation" on Saturday. It's more of a business trip for Himself, but it will be an opportunity to color in my mandala book for me. Our friend who was going to stay with the Queen Mother while we were away on vacation last month - until those plans were torpedoed - will come and stay with mom on Saturday. This will be a better introduction anyway, with mom being watched for just one day instead of four or five.
By degrees, I begin to feel hopeful again, that perhaps there are solutions within easy reach. :D
Monday, October 29, 2018
Day 24: on suiting up & showing up
I did not want to get going today. I woke up with a case of the Heavies and it took me a while to shake it off, but I'm glad I did.
The first stop was at the County Health & Human Services office; fortunately there is a branch on the other side of town, so I didn't have to make the drive all the way down to San Diego. The IHSS people told me to talk to the Medi-Cal people a few doors down, so that was my next stop. Himself was with me, mainly to get out of the Queen Mother's hair, and his presence paid off when the attendant at the kiosk machines took one look at his cane and gave us a Disabled "Express" ticket.
When our number was called, we went to the assigned desk and I explained the situation again. The woman at the desk was very polite and understanding, even laughing at Himself's jokes as he cracked wise. She passed the Queen Mother's file along to one of the case workers, who we went to see when our number was called again. (I passed the time mainly by reading Caregiver articles from emails I had tagged "for future interest" on my phone.) The case worker was also very polite, and just as confused as I was. Not sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Eventually, she rescinded the dreaded IHSS Share of Cost for October and November...but we have until December to figure out how to get the Queen Mother back under the Federal Poverty Line. What, we have to be more broke than we already are?
Moving on: we nipped from one bureaucratic institution to another and drove down to the VA Medical Center (which is looking more and more SANE, if you can believe it! Himself received his physical therapy treatment for his right shoulder and inquired about his left shoulder; he will need to be referred back to PT by his primary doctor. Then came a trip to the Pharmacy to renew some of his medications. I'm in charge of keeping track of his meds, both in getting them ready for the week and making sure he doesnt run out of them, because of his TBI. This is my primary role for him right now - making sure he doesn't forget stuff, like taking his meds, or what a doctor might tell him at one of his numerous appointments.
On the way home, we stopped at Target to grab groceries, mainly for mom and the cats, and some for us as well. Tried to pay for the Queen Mother's groceries with her EBT card, but the darn thing wouldn't work! Fortunately, I had enough cash to cover everything, but my mood was not the best when we got home. I fixed the Queen Mother's dinner, then cooked up some mushroom ravioli for Himself and myself. Felt better after eating.
Then it was time to suit up and show up in a different way, as I accompanied Himself down to Beth Israel in La Jolla for a community rally. The place was SRO, and it was a lovely sight to see. Basically, the spiritual and civic leaders came together to affirm and promote Tolerance and Inclusivity in San Diego County. Many words were well said. Afterwards, Himself and I made our way to Denny's for some dessert. I had the Tres Leches "dessert" pancakes, and Holy Mother they were Deeeeeeeeee-Viiiiiiine!
I believe a good way to counter the Fear Culture is to find and cultivate as much JOY in life as possible. Tres Leches pancakes go a long way in doing that. :q
The first stop was at the County Health & Human Services office; fortunately there is a branch on the other side of town, so I didn't have to make the drive all the way down to San Diego. The IHSS people told me to talk to the Medi-Cal people a few doors down, so that was my next stop. Himself was with me, mainly to get out of the Queen Mother's hair, and his presence paid off when the attendant at the kiosk machines took one look at his cane and gave us a Disabled "Express" ticket.
When our number was called, we went to the assigned desk and I explained the situation again. The woman at the desk was very polite and understanding, even laughing at Himself's jokes as he cracked wise. She passed the Queen Mother's file along to one of the case workers, who we went to see when our number was called again. (I passed the time mainly by reading Caregiver articles from emails I had tagged "for future interest" on my phone.) The case worker was also very polite, and just as confused as I was. Not sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Eventually, she rescinded the dreaded IHSS Share of Cost for October and November...but we have until December to figure out how to get the Queen Mother back under the Federal Poverty Line. What, we have to be more broke than we already are?
Moving on: we nipped from one bureaucratic institution to another and drove down to the VA Medical Center (which is looking more and more SANE, if you can believe it! Himself received his physical therapy treatment for his right shoulder and inquired about his left shoulder; he will need to be referred back to PT by his primary doctor. Then came a trip to the Pharmacy to renew some of his medications. I'm in charge of keeping track of his meds, both in getting them ready for the week and making sure he doesnt run out of them, because of his TBI. This is my primary role for him right now - making sure he doesn't forget stuff, like taking his meds, or what a doctor might tell him at one of his numerous appointments.
On the way home, we stopped at Target to grab groceries, mainly for mom and the cats, and some for us as well. Tried to pay for the Queen Mother's groceries with her EBT card, but the darn thing wouldn't work! Fortunately, I had enough cash to cover everything, but my mood was not the best when we got home. I fixed the Queen Mother's dinner, then cooked up some mushroom ravioli for Himself and myself. Felt better after eating.
Then it was time to suit up and show up in a different way, as I accompanied Himself down to Beth Israel in La Jolla for a community rally. The place was SRO, and it was a lovely sight to see. Basically, the spiritual and civic leaders came together to affirm and promote Tolerance and Inclusivity in San Diego County. Many words were well said. Afterwards, Himself and I made our way to Denny's for some dessert. I had the Tres Leches "dessert" pancakes, and Holy Mother they were Deeeeeeeeee-Viiiiiiine!
I believe a good way to counter the Fear Culture is to find and cultivate as much JOY in life as possible. Tres Leches pancakes go a long way in doing that. :q
Sunday, October 28, 2018
Day 23: on "going small"
I try to keep myself moving in a good direction by looking for the lesson in what unfolds before me, a task I usually find easier once I have moved through a rough patch than when I'm trying to slog my way through the middle of it. What has arisen from this vacation debacle is this: I need to stop putting all of my Expectations into ONE event that will "restore" me, and instead focus on creating for myself smaller opportunities during the week to release the dross of Caregiving - and Life in general - and find myself points of equilibrium.
I also need to keep in mind that I am a LOT more Sensitive to the energetic ebbs and flows of the world, both at home and at large, than I might have cared to admit. I need to build in for myself plenty of good downtime without allowing myself to get caught up in the special Inertia that Depression will swallow me whole in. Specifically, I need regular trips Out Into Nature, to listen to birdsong and wind whispering through trees, or the consistent, steady breathing flow of sea water as it eternally moves back and forth over the sand at the continent's edge. Nature is my spiritual tonic, the balm for my soul when Life's edges become a little too cutting.
I opened up the calendar on my phone earlier today and had a look at the near future. This coming Wednesday had nothing scheduled; it looked perfect for walking the labyrinth at one of my favorite retreat spots. The Wednesday after that has a Mindfulness Meditation day scheduled for the evening; why not Deepen the Juciness of that day with a park excursion beforehand? So there are two weekly sojourns taken care of right there, two I can commit to for improving my mental - and spiritual - health.
As for each "normal" day, I have an hour or two in the evenings when the Queen Mother is watching TV and Himself is either watching TV with her or is out taking care of his own business. It would not be difficult at all to put on gentle music and color in a mandala, or do some therapeutic writing, or even (gasp) read an actual book! I used to be a voracious reader, and I still do enjoy reading articles on my smartphone, but it's not the same as picking up a nice old-school BOOK and reading it cover to cover. There's something about the heft of a good-sized book, the smoothness of the paper under your hand, the smell of time and the bookbinding glue, that comforts a bibliophile like me...but I digress.
This feels like a good focus for the next month, this going small. I will report regularly upon my progress, along with the rest of the minutiae that make up this Odyssey.
By the way - we elected to sleep in this morning instead, rather than check off a list of activities. I appreciated the leisurely start to my day today, as I have plenty of opportunities to Rush In and Speed Ahead these days! Truly easing into the day might also be something to practice more often! ;)
I also need to keep in mind that I am a LOT more Sensitive to the energetic ebbs and flows of the world, both at home and at large, than I might have cared to admit. I need to build in for myself plenty of good downtime without allowing myself to get caught up in the special Inertia that Depression will swallow me whole in. Specifically, I need regular trips Out Into Nature, to listen to birdsong and wind whispering through trees, or the consistent, steady breathing flow of sea water as it eternally moves back and forth over the sand at the continent's edge. Nature is my spiritual tonic, the balm for my soul when Life's edges become a little too cutting.
I opened up the calendar on my phone earlier today and had a look at the near future. This coming Wednesday had nothing scheduled; it looked perfect for walking the labyrinth at one of my favorite retreat spots. The Wednesday after that has a Mindfulness Meditation day scheduled for the evening; why not Deepen the Juciness of that day with a park excursion beforehand? So there are two weekly sojourns taken care of right there, two I can commit to for improving my mental - and spiritual - health.
As for each "normal" day, I have an hour or two in the evenings when the Queen Mother is watching TV and Himself is either watching TV with her or is out taking care of his own business. It would not be difficult at all to put on gentle music and color in a mandala, or do some therapeutic writing, or even (gasp) read an actual book! I used to be a voracious reader, and I still do enjoy reading articles on my smartphone, but it's not the same as picking up a nice old-school BOOK and reading it cover to cover. There's something about the heft of a good-sized book, the smoothness of the paper under your hand, the smell of time and the bookbinding glue, that comforts a bibliophile like me...but I digress.
This feels like a good focus for the next month, this going small. I will report regularly upon my progress, along with the rest of the minutiae that make up this Odyssey.
By the way - we elected to sleep in this morning instead, rather than check off a list of activities. I appreciated the leisurely start to my day today, as I have plenty of opportunities to Rush In and Speed Ahead these days! Truly easing into the day might also be something to practice more often! ;)
Wednesday, October 24, 2018
Day 19: on digging deeper
So after writing down my frustrations and sorrows, I allowed things to percolate, and further insights arose...
I realized I have been projecting a lot of my frustrations about my life onto my mother. As a single mom for much of my childhood, she did her best to shield me from the world's unpleasantries, and did her best to stay independent, despite her physical challenges. My frustrations are mine to own and work through; perhaps I could have flown further from the home nest at times, but what would additional adventuring have brought me?
This leads to the second, and deeper, realization: I might be more sensitive than I care to admit. I was introduced to the harsher vagaries of the world when I entered junior high school, and it was a HUGE shock to my system. I renounced much of the popular culture I observed around me in the 8th grade and vowed to "go it alone" until such time as I felt differently...and I find myself repeating some of the same Vows of Renunciation more than thirty years later!
"Losing" my vacation has helped me look within and given me some prime Shadow material to work through - absolutely necessary if I'm going to complete this odyssey! So now I will allow these further insights to percolate, and go from there. In the meantime, I have a Toolbox of tips and techniques to look through to help with Life On the Daily.
One day at a time... :)
I realized I have been projecting a lot of my frustrations about my life onto my mother. As a single mom for much of my childhood, she did her best to shield me from the world's unpleasantries, and did her best to stay independent, despite her physical challenges. My frustrations are mine to own and work through; perhaps I could have flown further from the home nest at times, but what would additional adventuring have brought me?
This leads to the second, and deeper, realization: I might be more sensitive than I care to admit. I was introduced to the harsher vagaries of the world when I entered junior high school, and it was a HUGE shock to my system. I renounced much of the popular culture I observed around me in the 8th grade and vowed to "go it alone" until such time as I felt differently...and I find myself repeating some of the same Vows of Renunciation more than thirty years later!
"Losing" my vacation has helped me look within and given me some prime Shadow material to work through - absolutely necessary if I'm going to complete this odyssey! So now I will allow these further insights to percolate, and go from there. In the meantime, I have a Toolbox of tips and techniques to look through to help with Life On the Daily.
One day at a time... :)
Monday, October 22, 2018
Day 17: on the curse of the monkeywrench
Share of Cost.
This is the monkeywrench. These are the words I'm hating on right now.
The call to the electronic timesheet help desk led to a call to the IHSS office, where I was informed, very apologetically by the woman on the other end of the line, that the Share of Cost for the Queen Mother to receive IHSS assistance had eaten up my paycheck. More, it would eat up all subsequent paychecks, since this Share of Cost is slightly more than double what I receive per month to take care of the Queen Mother. The decision was made late last month - and by the way, I should receive notification of said decision this week.
I really needed this money, this week. I will challenge Medi-Cal's decision and do my damndest to rectify this, since nothing in our income has changed. I can even get my union involved if it comes to that. I see resolution...in a month. Maybe two months.
In the meantime, all of our carefully laid vacation plans are now Kaput.
Tomorrow I'm taking my paperwork to my local office, which is just on the other side of town. If I had tried to go today, I would very likely be in jail right now. I was that upset. I'm still simmering.
In the middle of all this, the dentist finally fixed the Queen Mother's dentures to her satisfaction. I will delve more into this later. She's reasonably happy with them today; tomorrow might be another story. Regardless, we're returning to the dentist in a week to see if any further modifications are needed.
The MOMENT Himself gets money from his personal injuty case, I am taking my vacation. Until then, I shall be growling at a few mindless bureaucrats. Pray for them...
This is the monkeywrench. These are the words I'm hating on right now.
The call to the electronic timesheet help desk led to a call to the IHSS office, where I was informed, very apologetically by the woman on the other end of the line, that the Share of Cost for the Queen Mother to receive IHSS assistance had eaten up my paycheck. More, it would eat up all subsequent paychecks, since this Share of Cost is slightly more than double what I receive per month to take care of the Queen Mother. The decision was made late last month - and by the way, I should receive notification of said decision this week.
I really needed this money, this week. I will challenge Medi-Cal's decision and do my damndest to rectify this, since nothing in our income has changed. I can even get my union involved if it comes to that. I see resolution...in a month. Maybe two months.
In the meantime, all of our carefully laid vacation plans are now Kaput.
Tomorrow I'm taking my paperwork to my local office, which is just on the other side of town. If I had tried to go today, I would very likely be in jail right now. I was that upset. I'm still simmering.
In the middle of all this, the dentist finally fixed the Queen Mother's dentures to her satisfaction. I will delve more into this later. She's reasonably happy with them today; tomorrow might be another story. Regardless, we're returning to the dentist in a week to see if any further modifications are needed.
The MOMENT Himself gets money from his personal injuty case, I am taking my vacation. Until then, I shall be growling at a few mindless bureaucrats. Pray for them...
Sunday, October 14, 2018
Day 9: on doing the shadow work
As I mentioned previously, I started in on journaling around the Heaviness I was experiencing a couple of days ago, in order to unpack what, exactly, was stinking in my thinking. Whereas I would normally wait until the entire process was finished before sharing my results, I was inspired by a video made by a friend about sharing during the messy in-between times, as well as sharing the nice shiny journey when it was all over - and frankly, this whole blog is about sharing during the messy in-between times! So, a bit of sharing the preliminary results of my digging down to find the root, if you will...
The main source of my Stinking Thinking is feeling Overwhelmed by life, whether I'm thinking about what I still have to do around our home in order to get it a bit more "reasonable" (I abandoned the "Grandma Clean" standard a long time ago, trust me!), or whether I find myself carrying the angst of the world upon my shoulders. In the latter case, I seem to have this idea that I (and I alone) need to "transmute the suffering of the world" so that everyone will feel better. I'm not quite sure where I picked up this Goddess complex - heh, I just came up with that - and I'm not quite sure how to drop it Once and For All. Still working on that.
Both of these concepts were part of the Heavies, but neither was ultimately the real root. Beneath these concepts, however, the word Sacrifice suddenly leapt into my mind. I dug a little further, and found the root at last: I have been feeling for some time that I've just been Sacrificing more and more and more of myself - whether financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically, or whatever - and getting nothing in return. It has that "Suffering in Silence" quality to it as well.
I found some resentment towards Himself brewing there, for I don't feel like he's been Sacrificing "as much" as I have. I challenged that resentment immediately: "So how many times have I asked for help on a Social Media platform? or in Real Life, for that matter?" I acknowledged I haven't asked for help near as much as he has, when push has come to shove. "Why not?" I asked next...and I don't have an answer to that question. Yet.
This is where I am now - what is the Block within me that prevents me from asking for help more?
Asking questions and receiving answers, which often lead to more questions, is how I do my Shadow Work. Finding the root of my Stinking Thinking solves half of the puzzle; then I know what I need to do to edit my Story, and how best to go about that. There will be a Part 2 to this, which will arise in the fullness of time. I just need to keep digging, keep writing, and keep percolating.
In the meantime, there is another week to look forward to, with one very special occasion set to unfold on Tuesday. :)
The main source of my Stinking Thinking is feeling Overwhelmed by life, whether I'm thinking about what I still have to do around our home in order to get it a bit more "reasonable" (I abandoned the "Grandma Clean" standard a long time ago, trust me!), or whether I find myself carrying the angst of the world upon my shoulders. In the latter case, I seem to have this idea that I (and I alone) need to "transmute the suffering of the world" so that everyone will feel better. I'm not quite sure where I picked up this Goddess complex - heh, I just came up with that - and I'm not quite sure how to drop it Once and For All. Still working on that.
Both of these concepts were part of the Heavies, but neither was ultimately the real root. Beneath these concepts, however, the word Sacrifice suddenly leapt into my mind. I dug a little further, and found the root at last: I have been feeling for some time that I've just been Sacrificing more and more and more of myself - whether financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically, or whatever - and getting nothing in return. It has that "Suffering in Silence" quality to it as well.
I found some resentment towards Himself brewing there, for I don't feel like he's been Sacrificing "as much" as I have. I challenged that resentment immediately: "So how many times have I asked for help on a Social Media platform? or in Real Life, for that matter?" I acknowledged I haven't asked for help near as much as he has, when push has come to shove. "Why not?" I asked next...and I don't have an answer to that question. Yet.
This is where I am now - what is the Block within me that prevents me from asking for help more?
Asking questions and receiving answers, which often lead to more questions, is how I do my Shadow Work. Finding the root of my Stinking Thinking solves half of the puzzle; then I know what I need to do to edit my Story, and how best to go about that. There will be a Part 2 to this, which will arise in the fullness of time. I just need to keep digging, keep writing, and keep percolating.
In the meantime, there is another week to look forward to, with one very special occasion set to unfold on Tuesday. :)
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