words, worms, & worries

Peeking out from behind the Looking Glass once more...

I have not had a whole lot to say over the past month or so, as my days have a comfortable sameness to them. Enough different things have unfolded, though, that I can now provide an update. In reverse order, then:

The worries first, and most of them are around the Queen Mother. Her mental state continues to deteriorate. She forgets more and more as the days flow around us. She had a significant stomach issue about a month ago, and recovered from that. (No more takeout for her, period.) She mixed up her astringent and her mouthwash a couple of weeks ago, which put me on edge for a few days.

Most recently her cataract consultation was rescheduled, but we didn't reschedule it until we were at the office for the original appointment. (Yes, you have the right number; no, we never got a message on the answering machine.) En route to and from said trip, it became very apparent that 1) mom needed a wheelchair to transport her out of the house, and 2) she was super challenged getting into our car to go home. She is truly Homebound now, and I am making alternate arrangements. Her follow up appointment with her doctor is now going to be via teleconference, and I'm still considering the options for her cataract consult, which she might not even want in another month or two. She's definitely keeping me on my toes!

A much smaller worry is Himself. He is taking care of himself, and had his latest scan and appointment with Oncology this past week. The frenemy desmoid has grown a bit more, but not too much. Everyone has agreed to take a Wait and See approach for any possible future action.

The worms are from the cats. Apparently, Flea Season is going to be extra nasty this year, because the fleas gave the cats a case of tapeworms. They are now de-flead and de-wormed, and seem to be fine - aside from when they coordinate and hork up hairballs on the same day. I will be adding a cat brush to my list.

Most of my energy these days goes to playing with the words of the stories I am putting on the computer. I am in the middle of my third project now, and I recently re-read all of the short stories I wrote some twenty years ago. Some are just about ready for Prime Time, and others need some more work yet. I found the personalized rejection letter I received all those years ago, and after reading the story I thought was ready to be submitted, I can see why. No, it wasn't quite ready at the time. I even cringed a couple of times as I re-read it! 

My dream is to publish these stories, and with Self-Publishing, that dream will soon be a reality. My Big Dream is to find an artist who can put pictures to my words and really bring my stories to life. The one thing that has frustrated me over the years is my inability to illustrate my own stories beyond primitive cartoons. What this envisioning will look like, I don't know; it could be anything from a graphic novel to a filmed project. I would just be thrilled for other people to see these characters as I see them, and see them outside of the "confines" of my Imagination.

So, my days are filled with keeping an eye on the Queen Mother, and feeding cats, and writing, and stepping out with Himself one or two days per week to grab the necessary groceries, and reading. I am rarely on any social media platform these days and I'm reading fewer screens and more actual books! I started by revisting some old friends, then switched to read new-to-me adventures. I'm currently working through the Hunger Games trilogy of books, as the phrase, "May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor" seems to be entirely too appropriate to describe our current state of affairs. I will add that working on my emotional eating issues has paid off very well, as I am down another ten pounds since this Shift started. Portion Control is a wonderful thing.

When more interesting things happen, I will be back to share them. In the meantime, watch those odds. ;)  

parallel paths

Of course, after I post about how wonderful and optimistic everything was feeling, along came some other rising tides that were not so fun, although they turned out to be very insightful.

There was the anger that arose from deep within as I moved through some Pre-Menstrual Sensitivity. Once I had fully felt the anger, I realized it was arising from a big unmet need that I have been challenged by on this Odyssey: the need for Respite. Finding breathing space for myself is not easy with only one car to split between two drivers, along with a limited gas budget. I would love for Himself to stay home a bit more so I could "escape" for a few hours while he keeps an eye on the Queen Mother, but he has "Year End Obligations" as Treasurer of the Alano Club: reports to put together, donor thank you letters to send, information to get together for tax purposes. I try not to get resentful as he fulfills his obligations, but sometimes it's sorely tempting.

I feel like I am traveling on parallel paths: the path of the Burdened Caregiver, taking care of a mother who is sliding once again downhill (slowly, easily, but definitely downhill), and the path of the Home-Based Entrepreneur, who has found her voice  again and is re-establishing herself after a significant absence. As much as I would like to set up shop and perhaps even start making a little money for myself, without opportunities for Respite, doing anything with any sort of consistency will be impossible, as long as taking care of the Queen Mother is my top, and overwhelming, priority.

As long as I'm on this topic, there is also something a little disconcerting about feeling like I'm coming back to life at the same time the Queen Mother is getting nearer, however incrementally, to her passing. It almost feels like I'm doing her a disservice by not waiting till after she's gone before fully stepping back into my life. Ridiculous, of course, but that's how caregiving for a parent (especially) can warp one's thinking.  I am in another period of adjustment, seeing what I need to do to balance this equation once more, and I need to give myself credit for that.

Tomorrow I begin my Moontime once more, and will see if I can take the opportunity to chart a new course through these unknown waters I am sailing through in this Odyssey of mine.

Day 352: on being present

The day of the Equinox was very much a yin-and-yang day for me...

It was a warm day, lovely, with a light breeze and some clouds in the sky, but not entirely overcast. Color has been restored to my mind's eye, and I felt alive and whole, for the first time in a long time. I even went for a walk to get the mail, which was necessary because the Queen Mother was waiting upon her weekly TV magazine to help her navigate the days by telling her when her shows are on.

I needed that walk too, because it allowed my to tap into what was causing my stomach to feel a bit tight, and I allowed myself to feel the Worry fully and consciously. That was the "yin" part of the day - the Queen Mother had a significant episode today, and was in bed for most of the daylight hours. We were going to take her to get bloodwork today, but I suspect she got so upset about going, that she worked her way into this episode, as she doesn't allow herself to get emotional, have that temper tantrum, raise her voice in anger.

She learned early on in her life that "feeling sorry for herself" wouldn't get her anywhere, but I wonder if she learned that lesson too well. I can count on one hand, and have fingers left over, the number of times I ever heard her yell at anyone. I used to feel guilty about expressing my emotions and acting "just like (my) father," as mom would say; now I feel blessed that I allow myself to Feel the Feels and Move Through Them, more and more as I go along, rather than stuff everything so deep down that it has no choice but to emerge as a physical issue, like (perhaps) gallstones, dizziness, and nausea.

I sat with the worry and heard it out: there is still a part of my that thinks the Queen Mother will live forever, and is not ready for her to die. Truth is, I'm never going to be entirely "ready" for her to die. I can expect and anticipate it, yes, and prepare for it, most definitely, but still not be ready. Mommy's not going to get better, I tell my Little One Within, but we will take care of her the best that we can. I'm allowing the tears to fall as I write this, as a bit of Anticipatory Grief.

She says she feels better now. She had breakfast for dinner, watched the voice, and is now watching Bluff City Law (I believe that's the new show with Jimmy Smits starring in it). I'm going to back off tomorrow and bring up the idea of visiting the clinic to get the blood drawn for labs on Wednesday. In the meantime, I will continue to enjoy these final days of Jaguar Weather as we move from Hot to Not Hot in Mostly Sunny SoCal.

Day 350: on feeling a little off

Today was unusual. I have finished my Moontime physically, but my mind feels like it's still back in the menstrual hut. It's an odd feeling of Disconnect, inevitable now that my circumstances have shifted, and are most likely shifting again. I have a question floating about in my awareness: Who am I now? I remember all of my dreams, desires, and plans, but they don't carry the same oomph that they once did. I am floating on the surface of the ocean and I have no idea which way to go next.

Instead of panicking or getting upset, I see this as an opportunity to sit and listen to myself, the deep stirrings of my spirit, and see what wants to arise. The only thing I did of any importance was catch up a bit in my Happy Yellow Book, which is becoming a place to stash oracular readings and snippets of lists, nothing serious, but whimsical.

I am grateful to have an opportunity to mingle with my sisters tomorrow as I join in the celebration of the Equinox. This does not make the Queen Mother happy, as I am leaving the house and leaving Himself "in charge." Of course she wants me to be with her 24/7, but I have a life I need to live as well. Caregiving may be a part of my life these days, but it isn't the totality of my life...something I am having an easier time remembering.

So I move further into the Autumnal days and towards the new moon with curiosity, as it is time for me to consider my harvest, and separate the wheat from the chaff.

Day 336: on some kind of day

It was definitely one of those days, when I had to keep an eye on both Himself and the Queen Mother. There were one or two occasions when I had to yell out, "Prioritize!" when both of them had simultaneous crises. The Queen Mother is relatively well and still plugging along; as for Himself, we are paying a visit to the VA Medical Center in La Jolla tomorrow, as he is not getting better. :(

Our working hypothesis right now is that his anti-cholesterol medication is causing the severe cramping in his right leg; the same leg that had the "mystery pain" a few months ago - and has the clogging in the femoral artery. It was strongly suggested to Himself that he go tomorrow so they could rule out any blood clots or anything gnarly like that, so out of an abundance of caution, that is what we'll be doing.

It hasn't been an easy day, but it hasn't been a truly bad one, either. I helped Himself do the laundry today, and I seem to have forced a detante with the ants. Hopefully the latter situation will continue to improve.

I'm hopeful that by this time tomorrow we will have an answer to what is going on with Himself's leg, and I can refocus the majority of my attention onto the Queen Mother.

Day 267: on a nice slow day

If you're in the mood, honeydew + key lime yogurt (dairy-based or otherwise) = Divinely Inspired Bliss. Highly recommended.

Most of my paperwork is done. I need to consult with Himself on a point or two, do some writing on the computer, and copy a few documents. These last two parts will need to wait until I have a new ink cartridge for the printer, because we're all out of black ink.

I re-listened to a recording my friend Andrea made about finding magic in the hard parts of life, because yesterday wasn't as serene as I had thought it would be. I did a bit of Timed Journaling with the prompts. I realized that Caregiving, though an important part of my life, isn't the biggest part, nor the only part. I need to be reminded of that sometimes.

Looking forward to more Open Time tomorrow. I might not be vacationing in a semi-exotic local right now, but I'm getting the Respite I have been so desperately craving. :)

Day 184: on tackling the to-do list

It was a beautiful day...to take a look at my to-do list and see what the highest priority item was. That item: taxes.

I have prepared my own taxes for years on end, as I am a very simple and easy person, tax wise. This year I printed out the "new and improved" 1040 form, and wasn't super impressed. Leave it to the government to fix a system that wasn't really broken in the first place! I opened up my trusty tablet and downloaded the instructions as a PDF, to save myself paper and headaches.

Anyway, I have been delaying doing my taxes because I figured I would be owing everyone significant amounts of money, due to the partial cash surrenders I had to take out last year. Imagine my surprise when I did the math and found, instead, I get a REFUND, thanks to that handy little thing called Earned Income Credit. Imagine my further surprise when I found that the State will also be sending me some refund money as well, also due to Earned Income Credit. They won't be huge windfalls in either case, but perhaps I can use them to get caught up on the electric bill, if nothing else!

I filled out the forms, then realized I forgot to include a 1099 that I had also received last year. It didn't affect the refunds on either the Federal or the State level, but I stil needed to throw it into the pot. So I redid the forms, and now they're ready to go into the mailbox. Yay me.

One more pleasant surprise was seeing an entire section of the newspaper devoted to Caregiving. I pulled it out and read just about all of it over breakfast. I'll probably finish it up tonight. It had some good information in it, along witb a guide to the Caregiver Expo that's going to take place next Saturday. I attended the first expo last year, but I'm not sure if I'm going to attend it this year. This section, however, covers many of the topics that are scheduled to be covered at the expo, so if I don't make it, it won't be that big of a deal.

Tomorrow is an "empty" day on the calendar, so once again I'll be playing things by ear. I'm actually looking forward to seeing what will unfold; that's a very good thing. :)

Day 182: on reaching the halfway point in blogging

Well, friends, I've been at this for six whole months and not yet missed a day! Considering the craziness that has been my life over these past six months, that's something I can take a bit of pride in. :)

I was hoping this consistency would spill over to other parts of my life. In that, the result has been Not Yet. Projects that I've started had petered out, but I have gotten quite a bit done if I look at the number of things that I have started, even if I have piled a lot of Incomplete/In Progress things on my plate.

Part of it is the presence of my Depression - even if it's not active in the foreground, it waits poised in the background, ready to come in and take over all of my thoughts, and encourage me to sleep and sleep some more, and eat All The Things, no matter how fatty or sugary they might be. Depression thinks it's safer for me to stuff my anger down and "implode" rather than project it out and "explode" in fiery rage that might burn a lot before the flames go out.

It's easy to be angry when I'm tired and really needing some significant Respite Time. It's easy to be angry when processes that should be easy turn out to have unexpected twists and turns, and take forever to complete, and might not even bring the desired outcome. It's easy to be angry when this thing called "Caregiving" threatens to drown me and wipe out every single dream and desire that I have, along with every dollar and cent in my bank account, especially when I'm the only child and I don't have any siblings to help me, voluntarily or otherwise.

The most sobering thing is realizing that nearly HALF of all caregivers die before their loved ones do, because the stress and anger become too much to handle. This is why I need to take the more challenging route, and turn that anger into Something Else, and do as much as I can, as soon as I can.

Halfway through this daily blog documenting my Odyssey, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, and it's not a freight train coming at me. I have gotten this far on this part of the journey, and every step I take brings me closer to the Payoff, literally. I see myself in a completely different place by the time this year of blogging ends, and Believing that This Will Come to Pass keeps me going. It has to, right now.

It was a decent day, rain notwithstanding, with cleaning up in the kitchen and laughing at the cats and paying off about half of the electric bill. Himself and I also managed to indulge in our monthly dinner treat at our favorite Vietnamese restaurant. It was good to fill up the belly before heading down to our meetings in San Diego this evening.

The next few days will be played by ear as well. I will see if I can finally bring myself to scratch a few things off of the eternal to-do list. Just for Today, I take one step forward, if nothing else.

Day 165: on stepping out solo

I had lunch today at a good friend's place. She lives in an Independent Living complex and "hosts" her various friends in the main dining hall. Today it was my turn.

Himself was at home with the Queen Mother, so it was a rare opportunity to simply leave home and NOT think about Caregiving, or worry about mom (or the cats, for that matter), and leave all of the red tape and wolves at the door at home. Mom did come up in conversation, mainly because I was asked.

First course was (for me) a roasted red pepper and tomato bisque, with a trip to the salad bar. I had planned on the veggie rice bowl, but when the sandwich du jour turned out to be a three-cheese grilled cheese sandwich, with carmelized onions and a slice of tomato thrown on for good measure, I requested that instead. My sides were rice pilaf and lemon-garlic spinach, so I was good in that way. The meal was sufficiently decadent; to balance that out, I wound up having a second salad with my dinner (which was simply spaghetti).

When I returned home, everyone was fine and there was no drama to take care of, so I felt rather refreshed. I took a brief nap and did some more coloring in my "spring" mandala. I read my usual newspaper sections (Dear Abby and the comics) along with the monthly Caregiver section the paper is now publishing. It's always good to see what the topics are, and how I resonate with them.

Tomorrow and Thursday we get some more rain (almost unheard of in our neck of the woods), so we'll be staying close to home, at least for most of the day tomorrow. It is shaping up to be a rather decent week. :)

Day 152: on tossing plans out the window

As I am learning, through reading and listening to other Caregivers' stories, and through my own experience, sometimes the plans you have for the day get tossed out of the window when a Situation arises. Such was the case today.

Yesterday evening, Himself was complaining of some cramping in his right thigh. We both thought it was simply a matter of dehydration, so he added some electrolytes to his water and we both thought he would be fine in the morning. He wasn't. Standing up was excruciating, sitting down wasn't too much better, and the only real relief he seemed to get was through lying down. So after we pulled ourselves together, off to the ER (at the VA Medical Center in La Jolla) we went, carefully driving through the raindrops.

All told, it was an eight hour visit, which in the grand scheme of things, was not too bad. The good news is that he didn't have a blood clot in his leg; they finally said that  his pain was from a severe muscle strain, though neither one of us has a clue as to how that came about. We returned home with a muscle relaxant and instructions to put heat on the leg as needed.

As I had only snacked on pretzels since breakfast, I was very Hungry when we finally left the hospital. Himself pulled up the nearest Carl's Jr. location on Google Maps and paid for my dinner, so I got a chance to try their new Beyond Star veggie burger. It was pretty tasty. He ate once we got home.

Tomorrow is going to be a day of errands outside the home, rain or shine. The latest forecast calls for more on and off showers through the week, clearer skies for the weekend, then a bit more rain to start the week. Last night we heard the unexpected Boom! of thunder from a lightning strike half a mile away, and some more distant rumblings the rest of the night. Pippa went and hid in our closet, but Inkblot stayed on the bed. We shall have to see if any other thunderstorms come our way over the next few days.

I'm going to wind it up here and see if I can't relax some more this evening. For the moment at least, all is and remains well. :)

Day 144: on staying close to home

I had a bit of an early start to the morning, helping Himself wake up at 7am to get down to San Diego in a timely manner. I stayed home and took something of a breather, after the emotional chaos I wound up feeling yesterday. 

I succeeded in cleaning up in the kitchen after helping the Queen Mother with her "weekly" shower. My job is to turn the water on, set the towels down where she can reach them, and put the soap into the shower itself. Lately I'm also making sure the shower door actually shuts (and opens after she is done), as its starting to stick a bit, and she has trouble working the door when it's not behaving smoothly. She has a lot of trouble with opening sliding doors these days, whether it's out to the patio or out of the shower. After she dries off, I put lotion on her back and legs. Today I also cut her hair a bit shorter and evened out all of the long scraggly pieces that were sticking out a bit further than the rest of her hair.

Whatever tension we might have felt in the past seemed to ease today, partly because Himself was out of the house and out from underfoot - three people living in a 986 square foot home can really get underfoot if we're not careful - and partly because I've been a bit more active in decluttering and cleaning up in the house. It's amazing what can happen when Depression isn't weighing me down and narrowing my vision!

As I've been reading Passages in Caregiving, I've had a pair of realizations. First, I understand now why Himself is always talking about his plans of what he's going to do, or what he wants to do, when he gets his settlement money (whichever comes first): this is his way to cope with his cancer diagnosis and helps give him a reason to keep waking up in the morning, and put one foot in front of the other. Today I had another realization: the less I isolate from the Queen Mother, and the more I interact with her without being angry and resentful, the happier she is and the less likely she is to become depressed herself.

In mom's case, I walk away from intense conversations before I explode in my anger; if I use the tools that are in my toolbox, I can defuse that anger and remember that she is NOT the same woman that she was at the start of this decade. More and more, I am seeing her Dementia instead of seeing who she actually is, and I need to keep this in mind. In Himself's case, I all but stopped dreaming and planning too far ahead into the future because I was concerned about helping him make it through the tests, then the surgeries, and finally the chemotherapy. When I had forgotten how to dream, I became scared of his dreams, because I was afraid he would make some of those dreams a reality and leave me behind! That was a clear case of Stinking Thinking, and now I am remembering how to dream and plan for OUR future together again.

The diswasher is washing, the cats are snoozing, and I am finishing up this blog. I am intending both to do laundry and also to attend one of my caregiver support groups. We shall see what happens.

On *100* Days of Blogging!

I'm pleasantly surprised that I've arrived at one hundred days of blogging. There have been days when I didn't want to sit and blog, and days when I didn't think I would to be able to squeeze a blog post in, but I have persevered through it all, and have typed out at least a handful of words for every day since I started. Yay me. :)

I'm also surprised that I still have actual readers of this blog, day in and day out. I don't think I intended it to be a faithful report of The Daily Grind, but I didn't want to sugarcoat my Caregiving journey. I didn't want to come in on a given day and say "All Is Well" when all actually and totally sucked huge moldy cheese balls. Having said that, I can only hope that my Odyssey thus far hasn't sounded like one huge and never-ending pity party.

Although I long suspected that I would wind up taking care of my mother in her dotage, I did not anticipate that my actual initiation into the World of Caregiving was going to be through my Husband's cancer experience, nor did I think I would have to "switch gears" from looking after Himself to looking after the Queen Mother so quickly. Whereas Caregiving for him was more like a sprint, especially in comparison, Caregiving for her is shaping up to be an epic Ultra-Marathon. My grandmother (my mom's mom) lived until she was 95; although no one expects the Queen Mother to live that long, that possibility IS on the table (and I would be 65 at that point). Only Goddess knows how much longer the Queen Mother will be extant on this side of the equation, and She hasn't given me any clues as to when mom will be shuffling off her mortal coil. (Both of us have asked, believe me!)

The Uncertainty has been one of my greatest challenges - on the one hand, I have been absolutely convinced that I am Not At All suited to be a Caregiver, and that I'm throwing the best years of my life away. On the other hand, I am certain that I can and will get through this, and that this will inform and deepen my life in ways I have yet to understand. Slowly I move more toward the latter view and away from the former view. I am definitely in this for the long haul. Now the question is, how do I navigate this: with a modicum of grace, or kicking and screaming the whole way through? Kicking and Screaming, I have found, has simply flooded my system with cortisol and sent me down the rabbit hole of Depression more times than I can count. I'm changing gears and trying out Grace for a while; so far, it's working a lot better. :)

I had planned on writing lovely lyrical philosophical things, and reports of marvelous miracles, when I started this blog. Those entries have been few and far between, but perhaps I needed to haul myself out of the muck of Despair first before I could be that clear channel of wonderful words. I wlll say that Blogging on the Daily has been a strong lifeline, along with my renewed commitment to my Morning Pages. I also believe there has been a change of tone from the first day until now. Perhaps it's been subtle, perhaps fleeting, but I do seem to be bouncing back a wee bit quicker from Life's curveballs so far in 2019. I can only hope the momentum continues forward.

As for this day itself - I talked myself into going to my usual Sunday Support Group, and was glad I did. There is a labyrinth being built at the church we meet at, and I will definitely be walking it when it's ready. I took a picture of it for my Daily Story on Messenger. After we were done, we made a quick stop at Wal-Mart, then arrived home in plenty of time for getting the Queen Mother's dinner ready. I ate the rest of my Mock Chili, along with a green salad, for my dinner. I also put some procrastination to bed as I gathered together the latest stack of papers and sorted everything out. The paper trail is never-ending, and at least half of it goes into recycling. I am pretty ready for the new week, though; I just need to look at my weekly to-do list out and update it.

Looking very much forward to starting a new week with a bit of enthusiasm to Get Stuff Done, and do some necessary legwork. With the first of several days' worth of rain starting tomorrow, it will be a very good day to "work from home," if you will. :) 

Day 91: on ringing out the old

First, what happened today: Himself kicked off "Appointment Week" with a follow up appointment with the dietician. They discussed where he had made progress and where he still needed to do some work. He will follow up again in three months. We also straighened out a wee snag with his blood pressure medication (a version of which had been recalled recently). We got home a bit late, but everyone managed to have dinner before it was time for our weekly meetings.

Once home, I set to work finishing my Year in Review process, which turned out to be a YearS in Review, as the Dumpster Fire that was 2018 for me had its roots in earlier years. I saw how this process actually started back in 2014, and devoted a few days to write it all out, one day per year, and then a day to synthesize it all. I saw how I was still trying to recover from work stress (in 2014) and a miscarriage (in 2015) when Himself was diagnosed with colon cancer (in 2016) and then the Queen Mother had her blood clot adventure (in 2017). Looking at everything that way, of course 2018 was going to be a Dumpster Fire!

Several pieces of paper have been ripped to shreds and placed in a small brown paper bag, along with a couple of sage stems, ready to be burned. We are going to a friend's party tomorrow and she says she will have a fire for burning things, weather permitting! (I have a Plan B ready to go just in case.) 

As of tomorrow, I will be ready to move forward into the new year...

Day 58: on the gift of a calm day

Today I was able to shift into having a "Day Off." As a caregiver, I don't usually grant myself permission to have a day of doing little to nothing. Being honest, when there aren't appointments to make or chores to tend to, my mind is usually preoccupied with something that I have to Get Done Now, or Tomorrow At The Latest! Today, however, I declared that everything on the to-do list would abide until tomorrow, and kicked off the Ease with a nap after I had helped the Queen Mother with her breakfast. I didn't bother to get up for good until after 1pm.

One of the reasons I'm feeling so refreshed is because I actually got out and socialized for a few nights. (We made it to the Yule Party right on time last evening, and I enjoyed the Sister- and Brother-hood for the first time in what seems like forever, though I'm sure it's only been a few months.) I realized as I wrote in my Morning Pages today that as much as I need Me Time out in Nature, I also need We Time with peeps of like vibe. This came as a bit of a surprise to me, as I had previously not been aware of the Hunger I had to relate to folks who could relate back, and not necessarily be a part of a support group. I love and need my support groups, don't get me wrong, but I'm more than "just" a Caregiver, and I need to be in situations where I can perhaps bring out those parts of me that I might otherwise forget and give them some fresh air and sunshine as well.

All of this more or less started with an observation I had made about myself (in the Morning Pages), and the question I then asked myself: What is wanting to take everything so Personally within me? because I was taking everything that Life was throwing at me Very Personally. I remembered stories I had found within my Shadow Realm from earlier inquiries, but looked at them from a different angle this time. Not only did this lead to my current ideas around parceling out my days, but I've also let go of a lot of hard feelings and excessive mental gunk that I was carrying around. In a nutshell - my Caregiving experience is MY experience, but I've allowed Other People's Experiences to influence me a little too much. Knowing this, it becomes much easier to keep my own counsel about what works and what doesn't, and allow the opinions of others to slide off my back.

Today was a good, restful day, and I will be in a much better place to tackle what lies before me in the week ahead. :)

Day 57: on gifting myself with time

Today is a good day to do an afternoon blog, where I can let my thoughts stretch out a bit and have some breathing room, instead of trying to cram everything in at 11:30 at night after either a late event, or putting my brain into neutral and not thinking too much more at the end of a given day. So here we go...

One of the downers yesterday was that my plan to "catch up" with a couple of chores I didn't get done earlier in the week got derailed with more extensive-than-anticipated phone calls, and those calls didn't give me the outcome I had hoped for. Today, however, I caught up on those chores, by sweeping up the kitchen floor and taking out all the trash. The recycling will have to abide for the moment, as all of the bins are full, awaiting the city trucks to come and empty them.

About those calls...on the one hand, I will be able to get the necessary paperwork (for the Queen Mother's annual Medi-Cal evaluation) together tomorrow to be able to turn it in on Monday. I will also see if I can get my Provider's pay from the state on Monday, as there is not a share of cost, in theory, attached to her Medi-Cal at this time. (In practice, we shall see!) The situation basically boils down to this: with the state paying her Medicare Part B premium, she is over the "Federal Poverty line" and has a share of cost attached to her Medi-Cal. If the state were to not pay her Medicare premium, she would be below the line, and there would be no share of cost on her Medi-Cal. So I'm going to take a shot in the dark and see if we can ask the state to not pay her premium. I have no idea what the answer is going to be, but at this point, I have nothing left to lose.

Last night, Himself and I went to the synagogue, and then to dinner with some of our fellows for a "Nosh-n-Shmooze." I had all but forgotten how nice it is to be able to converse with other functional adults, outside of the family unit! I had a lovely time and felt re-energized on some levels. Tonight we're going to see if we can do some more noshing and shmoozing with some of my sister Priestesses (and their Priestly consorts) at a party this evening. Being with peeps is good; being with peeps who share your vibe is even better. Last night was Himself's turn, and tonight (Goddess willing) it will be my turn.

I have come to the question of how I can balance all of these things in my life, or at least, inviting some more consistency to my times of respite. That's where Scheduling comes in. I have tried before to schedule the vagaries of my Caregiving life, but my efforts didn't get very far. This time I'm coming at it from a differeng angle: putting in the blocks of time where I have to help out the Queen Mother, or tend to appointments, first; then taking into account what necessary Chores are needing to be done; and finally seeing which times are going to be Strictly for Me, and where I have some wiggle room for whatever chooses to arise. This way, I have a solid foundation to work off of every week, which has the flexibility to change from week to week. This feels like it will serve me better; I'll keep y'all posted.

It appears that I will have the opportunity to practice good form and settle into a nice groove this month, as December has only a few appointments to worry about. January is a different story; we're not exactly hitting the ground running, but we are going to picking up the pace soon after the New Year begins. I will deal with it all as best as I can, per my usual. :)  

Day 54: on the unplanned breather

Today Himself got up early to take the car into the dealership to get the tires looked at. He wound up also going by Discount Tire before coming home; the good news is, the tires are basically fine. I stayed in bed until the Queen Mother emerged from the bathroom and was ready for me to help her with breakfast.

I really had intended to make some more phone calls and continue on with gathering together the necessary paperwork for mom's Medi-Cal evaluation, but I luxuriated in the gentle unfolding of the morning instead. After a nice long shower where I washed my hair (a major victory these days if I can get it washed once a week or so), we were off to one of my caregiver support groups. Himself dropped me off, then he went to a nearby Starbucks with his laptop to work on various things.

My goal is to make a support group a week, because I really get a lot out of them: we might not be in the exact same boats, but the people who gather around these tables are definitely floating down the same river. Today there was a presentation about emotional support for caregivers. It didn't go as in depth as I would have liked, but mainly because many of the members were needing to share their experiences. This is the beauty of these groups - we are all caring for someone, and we need to have these times where we can talk about what we're going through, without judgment. Advice flows freely, whether asked for or not, but most of the time it's well received.

I touched base with Himself just as the meeting ended, and we came directly home. We were greeted by the sight of several of the condo buildings tented for the fumigation. I don't think our building was the only one that opted out of this round, but it definitely looked a bit ominous with several huge tarps covering over so many of the buildings in the complex, maybe a third of all the buildings here.

I am feeling a lot lighter this evening. I hadn't realized I was needing a break from all of the hoop-jumping until I actually took it. Tomorrow, Himself has a pair of appointments which he's going to need my help with, and it looks to be an early start on a rainy day. I had been looking forward to enjoying the rain in the comfort of home, but there you are. Perhaps another day...

Day 50: on saying "goodbye"

This was my Uncle Bob. He was 80 when he passed on September 30th. He had apparently been sick for a while, but no one one knew just how bad he was until he fell while picking oranges in his backyard, just before his birthday this past June...and a follow up exam led to a trip to the emergency room and a diagnosis of a pair of bone marrow disorders. His decline was fairly rapid, a smidge over three months. Judging by the turnout at his memorial service today, he will be sorely missed by many.

The day unfolded in classic Mercury Retrograde style: I believed the service was going to take place at the cemetary in Bonita this morning. We got there just before 11 am, when the services were scheduled to start. His name wasn't on the list of official services today, but we were advised that private services weren't always advertised. When my cousin texted me to see where I was, I told her we were at the cemetary but couldn't find them. When she mentioned the church where they were at, about 15-20 minutes away from where we were at - I burst out laughing at the miscommunication. We beat feet up to the church and arrived about 2/3 of the way through the service, but we made it. Fortunately there was a reception afterwards where we were able to properly mingle with family and friends. I wore a nametag to show exactly which branch I occupied on the family tree, as did the rest of my relatives.

My uncle's brief but wild medical journey gave me an opportunity to reconnect with the local portion of my family this year; my cousin actually reached out to me with the initial news about her dad, looking for any advice I could give them. The fact that I was able to share some of my expertise as a Caregiver, and offered to help my family with any research that they might need, actually helped to erase my depression, just a wee bit: my Caregiving was not in vain, and I could share my experience, so I didn't feel quite as isolated as I have in the past.

This Thanksgiving, I reconnected with many members of my uncle's family: his three kids (my first cousins), and most of their kids (my second cousins). I had not spoken with some of them in years, especially since my strange Odyssey began. There were times when I felt like the main character in one of those time travel stories - I don't feel like I've aged that much, but all of the "young 'uns" seem to have grown up when I wasn't looking...once small children have now started college! I find myself in the position the Queen Mother and her brothers must have occupied when we first cousins were playing around and starting our own journeys into the world.

Now I can switch gears, from remembering a life concluded to celebrating a life very much in progress, as tomorrow is Himself's birthday. Tomorrow I will brag on him a little. :) 

Day 40: on being "appreciated" (day 2)

So today it was the County of San Diego's turn to appreciate their Providers. We arrived at the venue a bit later than I had planned, but in time to hear the first presentation of the day, about Mental Health Issues for both the Care Provider and the Care Receiver. I was reminded of the guidance we receive while traveling on an airplane: we have to put our OWN oxygen masks first, THEN assist our loved ones as necessary. I am considering signing up for the free training seminar to add some my tools to my toolbox.

After the first speaker came lunch: a simple meal of penne pasta and green salad, with breadsticks on the side. I wound up eating Himself's salad, since he can't metabolize raw vegetables properly as a "semicolon." I snagged a few dark chocolate Hershey's Kisses for dessert.

The second speaker came on after lunch, discussing some Resources for Providers. I didn't take as many notes as I had with the first speaker, but she provided some good information as well. We left before the third and final speaker discussed "Caregiving Through the Holidays." Since we really don't celebrate the holidays anymore, it's something of a moot issue.

The flow to this event was much better than yesterday's event...there was a schedule, which they followed closely. They announced when lunch was being served, and it didn't hurt that Himself just happened to be first in the line. They had a survey for the Providers to fill out, to get our feedback; yes, I took the time to fill it out. There was a variety of vendors there, including my friends from SCRC, and I wound up bringing home a ton of brochures and flyers, along with three moree pens. (With the amount of journaling I do these days, I will take all of the free pens I can get!) Today's swag haul,  besides one of the aforementioned pens, was a nice grocery tote, an insulated lunch bag, and another coffee mug, which I can easily use for tea instead. ;)

Mind you, I don't go to these events just to get the free swag, or to grab a gazillion pens; I go to soak up the Information that's presented, whether through speakers or brochures. I go because, just maybe, someone knows about a resource that I don't, or someone is offering a program that would be totally helpful to me, or someone's experience might resonate with me, and give me the reassurance I need in that moment. Having said all that...I shall be happy to sleep in a little longer tomorrow. With any luck, I'll find that desire to be productive that I somehow misplaced on Monday. ;)

Day 36: on course corrections

I wound up not doing a "daycation" as I had planned after all. The Queen Mother had a fit last night when I informed her of our plans, and I wound up calling the woman who was going to come out to keep her company to cancel, once again.

This morning I had a good conversation with mom over breakfast; we wound up clearing a lot of air between us. Coming out of that conversation, I am going to see if I can try to get Himself to help me a bit more in cleaning up the house (because the Queen Mother is willing to entertain the idea of "having company" IF the house is tidier). I am also going to see if I can invite our friend over to lunch to introduce her to mom, so whe will be more comfortable with the idea of someone coming over to spell me for Respite care. The one thing she does NOT want is a "stranger" in the house. I don't blame her for being cautious. Yes, you can certify people to be caregivers, and/or ask friends who you know really well - but you don't really know what's going on in another person's mind...or if today's "bad" day is just one bad day too many.

I realized today that I had been listening to, and misinterpreting, the advice of caregivers who were totally stressed out, desperate for respite, and/or dealing with loved ones who were much more violent and unpredictable than the Queen Mother is. So many people have advised to all but run out the door the moment the respite caregiver arrives, lest their loved one throw a tantrum, or do something that will sabotage the caregiver's plans to step away and have a breather.  This isn't the first time I have found myself heeding Other People's Opinions more than my own intuition. I never really liked the idea of springing a second caregiver on my mother and then bailing; then again, even though the Queen Mother's mental state isn't nearly as bad as I've heard some Dementia suferers are, there have been times when I've been ready to break out and lose myself In the Wind, so to speak.

I have come to realize that a lot of my suffering was "self-inflicted": that I could be the Caregiver, or I could be the Priestess, BUT I could not be both at the same time. For a long time, I didn't want to be the Caregiver, that it was presumed I would be the Caaregiver (as the Only Child), yet "no one" bothered to ask ME if I had any diiferent plans. In committing to going small, I say that I CAN be the Priestess and the Caregiver at the same time, but that my "ministry" has to be much smaller in numbers than I initially planned for...namely, Myself, Himself, the Queen Mother, and the cats. As much Content as I want to generate as a Priestess, both online and in Real Life, I don't have the bandwidth available at this time to devote to my Dreams and my Reality simultaneously. As I (re)cultivate healthy emotional, spiritual, and physical habits, and further emerge from my Situational Depression, perhaps down the line I will be able to share some of that bandwidth more evenly. Right now, it's a matter of living Day by Day, Moment by Moment, and Simplifying as much as I can - basically, everything!

So I recalibrate myself to observe my reality As It Is, and not As I Want It to Be. I see there is work to be done to get from Here to There, so I will do it One Day at a Time, and not have to (necessarily) wait for the Queen Mother to pass on in the meantime. I daresay I might actually be feeling Acceptance with my odyssey, rather than being Resigned to it. :)

Day 35: on taking stock

First off, I want to say we are way south of the two fires that are burning near Hollywood. We are in San Diego county, and are unaffected this far. Pray for Rain to come and quench the flames. Thanks.

Today I looked over all the notes I took yesterday, and looked over all the forms we've received, and I came up with an Action Plan: documents to gather together, questions to ask, topics to research. As we have an appointment to have someone from our gas and electric company come out on Monday to check our furnace (in our little crawl space that wants to call itself an attic), I will be home on that day crossing items off of my list. We're having someone come to check the furnace because the first time we turned it on, I could smell something burning - usually not a good sign - and I shut the furnace off again. Fortunately, the smell went away, and a quick check didn't show anything amiss, but I'm not taking ANY chances.

This Sunday is also Veteran's Day, and as Himself is a veteran, he is planning to go out with some of his buddies Sunday and Monday to see what free meals they can get. I would like to go with them, but as I'm not a veteran, I would have to pay for my own meal, something I will need to see if I'll be able to do. Still, it's been fun looking at the list with all of the deals on it.

Next week also gives me an opportunity to practice Receiving, as there are two events geared towards Caregivers that I plan on attending because 1) they will have presentations I'm interested in, and 2) they will have free lunches. So there will be something for both of us next week :)

Tomorrow is my "daycation." Hopefully I can get out of my way to enjoy that too. I will be taking my mandala coloring book and some reading material, and probably this tablet as well. :)