parallel paths

Of course, after I post about how wonderful and optimistic everything was feeling, along came some other rising tides that were not so fun, although they turned out to be very insightful.

There was the anger that arose from deep within as I moved through some Pre-Menstrual Sensitivity. Once I had fully felt the anger, I realized it was arising from a big unmet need that I have been challenged by on this Odyssey: the need for Respite. Finding breathing space for myself is not easy with only one car to split between two drivers, along with a limited gas budget. I would love for Himself to stay home a bit more so I could "escape" for a few hours while he keeps an eye on the Queen Mother, but he has "Year End Obligations" as Treasurer of the Alano Club: reports to put together, donor thank you letters to send, information to get together for tax purposes. I try not to get resentful as he fulfills his obligations, but sometimes it's sorely tempting.

I feel like I am traveling on parallel paths: the path of the Burdened Caregiver, taking care of a mother who is sliding once again downhill (slowly, easily, but definitely downhill), and the path of the Home-Based Entrepreneur, who has found her voice  again and is re-establishing herself after a significant absence. As much as I would like to set up shop and perhaps even start making a little money for myself, without opportunities for Respite, doing anything with any sort of consistency will be impossible, as long as taking care of the Queen Mother is my top, and overwhelming, priority.

As long as I'm on this topic, there is also something a little disconcerting about feeling like I'm coming back to life at the same time the Queen Mother is getting nearer, however incrementally, to her passing. It almost feels like I'm doing her a disservice by not waiting till after she's gone before fully stepping back into my life. Ridiculous, of course, but that's how caregiving for a parent (especially) can warp one's thinking.  I am in another period of adjustment, seeing what I need to do to balance this equation once more, and I need to give myself credit for that.

Tomorrow I begin my Moontime once more, and will see if I can take the opportunity to chart a new course through these unknown waters I am sailing through in this Odyssey of mine.