tying off loose ends

The first loose end I took care of today was laundry, as it was a bit overdue to be done! Inkblot was an "up close and personal" supervisor again, jumping down into the washer to inspect the drum and everything else in it. I twirled him around a couple of times in both directions before scooping him out of the washer so that I could finish loading it. Clothes washed, I made it over to the laundromat and colored a bit in my latest mandala while the clothes were drying. Then ther was a little party in the Queen Mother's bedroom as I sorted and put away her laundry, as both cats came to supervise the proceedings. They weren't nearly as interested with me putting away my laundry. ;)

As to other loose ends, there were some good things that happened last week. For my birthday, I used the free dinner I had been "gifted" by the newest local Mexican restaurant after they had messed up my order on a previous visit. They were able to deliver the promised vegetable enchiladas this time, which were paired with black beans and rice and very, very tasty. Afterward, Himself made me a chocolate "milk" shake afterwards (with almond milk) that was also very tasty, and very filling.

The best news came the day after my birthday, where Himself was declared to be Still In Remission. The oncologists are keeping an eye on an odd nodule or two (lymph nodes, perhaps) in his mesentery; they seem to be growing and shrinking, glowing and not glowing, with no rhyme nor reason. His next CT scan will be in January, and if the nodules don't grow between now and then, he will have been in remission and Tumor Free for three years. That is apparently a Big Number in the cancer world, and means the chances of recurrence drop sharply. So far, so very good!

Switching back to the present: I kept an eye on the time today, because I wanted to do the laundry before Himself left the house for his errands, but I didn't feel too rushed. I am (belatedly) noticing that whenever I am feeling pressed for time, especially in the morning, my temper starts to grow very short. Sometimes breakfast helps, but sometimes it doesn't. Today I had a good day overall. Once the laundry was done, I kept the ball rolling by straighening up in the kitchen, taking care of the recycling and reorganizing a few things in the recycling corner so that it didn't look quite so chaotic.

My next idea is to redo the collection of plastic bags I have by the cooler. Since we have a fancy cooler now (It dispenses hot AND cold water! Himself paid for it a few months ago, as it was on sale), the way I kept the plastic bags isn't working anymore, so I need to rework a few things. Organizing, and Reorganizing, is one of my strong suits - dare I call it a hobby, even? - so I'll see if I can keep going tomorrow. :)

blogging when i don't feel like it ;)

Yesterday I said I would see everyone today, and of course, today I don't feel like blogging, because for the past few days I have been anti-social and anti-people. Part of it is being tired, part of it is trying to keep my energy strong and open when I'm not feeling that way, and part of it is unintentionally carrying around the baggage from everyone else. For this last part, I have a little trick I use: I ask, deliberately and sometimes aloud, "How much of what I'm feeling is Actually Mine?" I always feel lighter after about a minute or two and can usually ascribe a percentage to what has sloughed off. Today, a whopping 80% I was feeling was NOT mine! Such are the joys of being a Sensitive. :p

I also know a part is directed toward the Queen Mother. Mom can be trying on the best of days, and as her Dementia progresses, she can get quite obsessive over things that wouldn't have bothered her ten years ago. Today it was about the cats "not being allowed to go outside anymore." She freely admits that she is projecting her limitations upon them, and she considers the coyote sightings we have had around her the equivalent of Fake News. Nothing that I have said to her makes a difference. Tonight, Himself called at just the perfect time to leave the room, and it was time for the evening news when I got off the phone with him, so I turned on the tv and left her to watch the news as I went into the other room to eat my dinner in peace.

It was another double laundry day for Himself and myself, as we each washed a load and took our loads to the laundromat for drying. Inkblot did some of his up close and personal supervising again, this time waiting until I had almost loaded the washer completely before jumping in. Of course I took him out before I started the washer up. I think he rebalanced the washer tub after his sojourn in it, which is a good thing; the unbalanced tub jolted me awake this morning as it went into its spin-dry and sounded like a train about ready to go off the tracks!

I also posted what seems to be my most popular Inktober drawing to date: the "Coffee Zombie," who is drawn more to coffee than to brains. I felt like I had lost the spark last night when I attempted to draw a dog looking at a fly that had landed on its nose. I posted it even though I didn't want to, because I felt like it wasn't at all good, even for a doodle. Not everything is going to be a winner as I exercise my doodling muscles, though - and in truth, I was feeling a little rushed because it was after 11pm when I realized I hadn't drawn anything, and it had already been a long day. So yeah, dog-with-fly wasn't my best, and Coffee Zombie, which I had the idea of doing and the time to doodle it, felt much better.

We will be shopping for groceries tomorrow and getting ready for Yom Kippur, the famous Day of Atonement in the Judaic tradition. Not sure if I'm going to blog tomorrow or Wednesday, so watch this space...

Day 361: on returning to duty

I dipped my toe back into Adulting today, paying some bills, figuring out how much I would need to withdraw to pay other bills, making phone calls, and starting to solidify my plans for who would be watching the Queen Mother while Himself and I were on vacation. I also posted a doodle of Inkblot, who was originally going to kick off Inktober, until I made that wrong turn with the avocado in my veggie wrap.

Tomorrow I will continue to reach out and contact folks on my short list to check their availability, after I go out and pay the bills. Once again, I will actually have Money Left Over when all is said and done, which is a wonderful feeling.

Now I will consider "napping" until it's time for the Queen Mother to be tucked in to bed, then I will definitely sleep soundly afterwards.

Day 344: on doing before the flow

I have felt the introversion building all day as I get ready to bleed in earnest, most likely starting tomorrow. Even so, I managed to drive Himself down to the Alano Club, then return home and get the necessary groceries and do the necessary laundry. Not only that, my Very Tired moments were just that today...Very Tired. I didn't find myself jumping down any rabbit holes of Depression. Yay for me.
tired.

Being Very Tired, though, I am going to be brief this evening, and leave it at that. 

Day 340: on a bit of an oopsie in the to-do's

Grocery shopping was the focus of today, hitting up Target and Trader Joe's for what we needed. This was the first trip I used a new note-taking app to make a grocery list, and it was a rousing success for me. If you take a lot of notes on your phone, and you have an Android, download Google Keep for yourself. You can color coordinate your notes too, which makes this Libra Sun + Virgo Moon very happy. 

We also went down to the dispensary to get some of Himself's CBD oil, which he uses to treat his digestive system and keep it polyp-free. What we thought was a really good price for CBD oil was a mistake on our part, though - that 20:1 ratio was actually 20 units of THC (the psychoactive stuff) to 1 unit of CBD (the medicinal stuff). If Himself had actually taken it, he would be stoned out of his mind! We will have to figure out what we can do with this, if anything, as the receipt clearly says All Sales Are Final.

There are no less than three restaurants in the same complex as the dispensary (no surprise, eh?), one of them being a decent Mexican joint. We picked up a couple of burritos while we were down there, and ate them once we were finished. Actually, I ate mine after getting the Queen Mother's dinner ready, and sat down at the table with her for the second consecutive evening. Fortunately, she didn't kvetch as much tonight as she had last night.

Tomorrow is Himself's Neurology appointment at the VA Medical Center, where we intend to discuss his leg issues and see if we can get a fresh perspective. The plan right now is to revisit the dispensary after that and see if we can't bend the rules a bit, as this is for medicinal purposes...though I'm not holding my breath. As it's a late afternoon appointment, I will be preparing the Queen Mother's dinner before we go. She is making noises about taking a shower tomorrow, so I think we'll be able to pencil that in earlier in the day.

I find myself juggling the care of two once more, but I'm in a place of acceptance right now. I suspect more waves of Anger and Resentment will arise and surge through me in the future, but if I can ride them out and not be drowned in them, that will be progress. :)

Day 326: on picking and choosing

I still have a list of items of huswifery to do, but many items on the list have been checked off. Today was less of a push-to-get-it-done day, and more of a do-what-strikes-my-fancy day. My lower back appreciated the slower pace.

We tried the new fancy water stand today, testing out the hot water portion. Himself and I agree that it's fabulous, and will make it much easier to do Tea and Morning Pages on a regular basis. (Yes, sometimes I skip this ritual because I don't think I have enough time to do it in the mornings!) True to form, the Queen Mother didn't like the new stand, claiming the hot water for her tea wasn't hot enough (?!) So she will stick with her routine and we will shift ours, just a little. 

Since it was majority rules, we took the old jug and stand back to Palomar Water's main office. When I received their bill earlier this month, I discovered we were actually "renting" the jug for $5 per month! As we no longer need to have the jug, why continue to pay for it? We won't be paying a monthly charge for our new stand, so that's a savings right there.

I continued to putter about in the kitchen: emptying out the dishwasher, cleaning up spoons we use exclusively for cat food, sweeping the kitchen floor. Minor things on the surface, but when one has suffered for months on end with near-debilitating Depression, as I have, these "minor things" build upon themselves, to end up (hopefully sooner than later) with a clean-ish house. I want to keep the momentum going now!

I rounded out the doings of the day with changing out a light bulb in the Queen Mother's bathroom. SDG&E gave us a whole bunch of the fancy fluorescent light bulbs once upon a time; they might be great for the electric bill, but they're horrible for the environment, because they leave traces of mercury behind when they're done. Word to the wise: don't use these kind of bulbs in any lamp or light fixture with a dimmer switch. They don't like the fluctuating energy levels and will burn out very quickly, as I found when I was trying to find a light bulb that would light up! (Use LED bulbs instead. They can handle the fluctuations and last almost forever.)

Tomorrow my focus shifts outward as Himself makes another attempt to make it to the Cardiac Rehab center, and I make another attempt to go with him. He has an appointment with the VA Pain Clinic for a follow up afterwards, so I will have an opportunity to go frolic in Jaguar Weather. I'm debating right now whether or not to try for the beach this weekend. On the one hand, we will have the resources to cover a trip; on the other, it will be Labor Day Weekend, so there will be traffic and crowds. Ugh. Choices, choices...

Day 324: on being accommodating

The Queen Mother was complaining this morning that her itchy red spots were getting worse, not better. Since we haven't changed shampoo, hand soap, dish soap, laundry soap, or anything along those lines, I looked the one thing that had changed: Inkblot choosing her bed as one of his new "favorite spots." So when we got back home, I washed her sheets and blankets, our sheets and blankets, sprayed her bed (with a spray that happens to target fleas), changed out her linens, and treated the cats for fleas as well. (Pippa hates me at the moment; Inkblot forgave me when I offered him some treats.) I shall see if this helps her itching issues; if not, we might have to revisit Urgent Care and/or her doctor's office.

Before the additional huswifery, Himself and I made it to our Sunday Support group, where we happily shared the news of our good fortune. One of the members brought some books to give away, and I took three of them, one non-fiction and two fiction. Neither of the fiction books is Science-Fiction, so I'm going to be broadening my horizons a little. One looks to be a rom-com along the lines of Crazy Rich Asians, the other a story of how a woman put her life back together post-divorce. I'll update everyone on how the reads go.

On our way home, we stopped at Walmart so I could get myself something I have been wanting for some time: a new teapot. I had an electric one for a long time, until late last year when it was invaded by ants. (I wonder sometimes if our condo wasn't built atop an anthill!) They got into the circuitry part of the kettle, so I had to throw it out. I have been making do with a smail sauce pot, but I would often have to wash it out before brewing my tea. Now I have an actual teapot dedicated to nothing but water for tea! It has been treated to produce lovely rainbow style colors on the outside, so I'm calling it my "Groovy Teapot." I'll see if my phone cooperates enough to take a picture of it so I can share it here tomorrow.

I arrive at the end of another day tired but very satisfied. I still have my Master Huswifery list, and there are things still to be checked off of it. I continue to work my way down it. :)

Day 303: on a superb sunday

I made myself an egg sandwich for breakfast, then brought some much needed order to the chaos that is the recycling area. I changed out the litter in the cats' box, took some newspaper and cans outside into their bins, and took out the trash, along with a bag of old pill botttles, with their labels removed. I got a jump on the next load for the dishwasher and swept the kitchen floor. Dinner was some much needed comfort food: my mac and cheese with a salad, then some dark chocolate balls for dessert.

Besides paying bills tomorrow, I am going to do a bit of harness shopping. There have been coyote sightings in our complex this week, and something scared Pippa so badly last Monday that she hasn't been outside again since, and has only recently emerged from hiding in our closet! The harness is going to be for Inkblot, who is not a happy boy being "indoor only." He has the right temperament to be harness trained and to go on adventures. (I lost one little boy cat in 1998 to an outdoor tragedy, and I'm NOT going to lose another one.) I've been pricing harnesses online and I can get a decent one for between $15-$20, which is doable right now.

There was one final change of plans for the week: the Sunday evening person "forgot" they were supposed to have a shift at the Club this evening, so Himself found himself pinch hitting once more. He's back home and showering as I type.

Personally, I had a good day, even though some did not. I will be lighting my Peace Candle tonight and chanting some mantras for Kuan Yin.

Day 293: on wading through the molasses

I ran out of my regular chai tea I get from Trader Joe's, so I needed to sniff around in my tea tins. I found a bag with a couple of teabags from (I believe) the Republic of Tea company. I don't know what flavor it was, but it was very tasty. It went very well with my Morning Pages today.

I needed all of the delights I could get, for today was a Heavy day off and on. My Depression is convinced that this is as good as it's going to get, so Giving Up would be a good idea. I steadfastly ignored it and did some decent Adulting instead: updating my to-do list, sorting through mail, dealing with paperwork, making return phone calls.

I managed to get a hold of a woman in the PACE program that St. Paul's church runs. (No, you don't have to be Catholic to benefit. They helped out my local uncle and his family and he was Presbyterian.) They primarily help with medical support, and some adult day care. I am bookmarking them because the Queen Mother doesn't need that level of help at this moment - and getting her over to a daycare situation would be challenging at best, with her chronic pain issues.

Himself was invited to speak at a meeting tonight, so I went with him. Getting out actually helped lighten me up a bit, as I felt a bit more Reconnected with life and the world. He will need the car tomorrow, as he will be pinch-hitting at the Club for an evening shift, so I will be staying home. I'm going to try to see about tackling the kitchen and a bit of recycling, which should, in turn, help my frame of mind. 

Day 256: on lenses and lightening up

The cats ate very well late last night, and what's more, they kept the food down! I did a happy dance when I woke up this morning, right after I called the vet to cancel their appointments. The fumigation stressed them out more than I thought, so if possible, we're going to hire a cat / house sitter whenever we need to be away for an extended period of time.

The happy dance was tempered a bit because the right lens of my glasses kept popping out of the frame. Relying on one good eye to see the world was marginally better than having one focused eye vs. one blurry eye, which threatened to give me a headache really quick, so I wound up wrapping an old grocery receipt around the frame so I only needed to worry about the one good eye.

To add a bit of spice to the morning, Inkblot brought in a fledgling mourning dove (I believe), which I managed to separate from the cat and put in a safe place to fly off - except it didn't fly off. An hour and a half later, it was still sitting in the same spot. Fortunately, we have a wildlife rescue through the San Diego Humane Society, and there was a vet close by that gladly accepted the fledgling. Hopefully it can be rehabilitated.

I got to the eye doctor after Himself's chiropractic appointment, and the wayward lens was popped back into place and secured. It was nice to be able to see again! Himself dropped me off at home before heading down to San Diego for a Board Meeting of the Club he is a volunteer at, he's the Secretary of said Board.

At that point, I had a choice: veg out or take out the trash, because it was smelling like an open (raw) sewer. I took out the trash, which led to some recycling, which led to some tidying up around the recycling area. It looks like tomorrow will be a good day to recycle the empty plastic bottles of flavored fizzy water that have built up, so we will see if we can pencil that in for tomorrow. (Himself loves his flavored fizzy water; I suppose I should be happy he drinks it as much as he does, or he wouldn't get hydrated at all!)

I also took the time to sit down and look at the set of to-do lists I had made up for each room of the house, along with the two patios we have. They didn't need any updating; they just need doing. Additionally, I sat down and got out of my head and onto paper what "adminstrative" tasks need to be done (and prioritized them), along with what needed to be tackled in the patio, which is equal parts jungle and junkyard. That is going to be tackled piecemeal, as I feel up to it and as weather permits. (I'm not so much concerned about rain as I am about heat, since the hottest months of the year are just around the corner. I may be a Jaguar, but I'm not stupid.)

It wasn't until I had turned that corner today and stopped to look back that I realized just how Heavy my Depression had been. It had really settled in late Sunday night, had been exacerbated by my Monday headache, and didn't really dissipate till this afternoon. The old tape of What's the Use? and Why Bother? had been running through my head. and it wasn't until I chose to get active and take out the trash and recycling that it finally loosened it's grip.

Good thing I worked it out of my system, because we seem to be in a holding pattern in DC: the staff at the Board of Veteran's Appeals is once again getting ready to submit Himself's case to a judge. Apparently they had to Drop Everything and convert about 1500 pages of medical evidence into a suitable PDF after Himself's attorney submitted it as an "addendum."  Why they didn't do this previously, I have no idea. Basically, the mists finally parted - to reveal yet another mountain to climb at the summit of the one we had just finished climbing. We have no firm timetable, though Himself's attorney believes the case will be resolved "in less than a year."

This is why both of us are going to start seeking out sources of financial aid. Himself will cover the Veteran's side of the coin, and I'm going to cover the Disabled Senior side of the coin. Our error in judgment was in Waiting Until the Money Came, and it's now become super apparent that we can no longer wait. We need to take action ourselves, NOW. Hopefully the final action won't be bankruptcy.

Tomorrow will be a full day, between recycling and a trip to the VA Medical Center in La Jolla, with a possible trip to Scripps afterwards. With all of these appointments and errands, I don't think I could actually fit a job into my schedule. This is my full time work now: the job of Caregiver.

Day 243: on romping in the patio

Today's focus was to trim the pepper tree in the patio away from the house. It seemed more intimidating than it actually turned out to be - you see, this tree has been cut back to the trunk several times, and within a year has grown crazy big again. With all of the Spring Rains, it grew crazier bigger than usual. It turns out, however, with the removal of a few choice branches, 90% of the work has been done. There are a few branches yet to be removed, and a bit trimmed off the top of a branch close to the unit, but we are pretty well there.

We emptied out our wheeled green trash can and put three loads' worth of foliage in it, then hauled each load out to the dumpsters. Actually, Himself did most of the cutting, I did most of the loading, and we hauled the trash can out together.

The reason we were playing out in the patio was because the fumigators need all the plants trimmed back from the unit by about a foot, otherwise they will get cranky and possibly charge us for the work they would have to do. (Yes, it's ass-backwards, but these are trying times.) The biggest challenge in trimming back the pepper tree is trying not to annoy the bees that are pollinating the current generation of flowers on said tree right now. We inadvertently came close a couple of times, but they settled down as we went about our business. I'm pretty sure this means they aren't the infamous "Killer Bees" that wreak havoc on unsuspecting humans.

There is a bigger challenge looming, though, in the form of the bouganvillea bush outside our bedroom door. Unlike the pepper tree, that plant has long nasty thorns that will gouge you if you're not careful. We will be much more careful around it.

For the record, both plants survived the fumigation that we underwent in 2001, even though the bouganvillea looked like it had given up the ghost. Hardy plants, we have!

Tomorrow we are most likely taking a breather from patio work, as I have to get a second carrier for Inkblot, and see if we can find him a harness. I also have a Union meeting I am planning to attend in the afternoon/evening, as they are going to be talking about possible changes to the IHSS program that are being considered on the Federal Level. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" seems to be lost on our Politicians these days...

Anyway, I feel like I will be investing some more time in pruning and such in the patio post-fumigation, when it might be a bit easier to tend to the plants.

Day 242: on returning to calmer waters

I went to the credit union today and sorted everything out. I have some paperwork to fill out for a wee bit of help - which will be moot when Himself's cases are settled - and I will see what I can get done prior to the fumigation. I will see if I can get this squared away by the end of this week.

On the other side of the coin, we are postponing a trip to an estate planner, as we don't have the funds yet, and more to the point, aren't sure when they are going to arrive. Once we have the funds, then we can shop around and see who to go with.,

In the meantime, I have successfully instituted a few new routines to help with some structure and form in my day: to start the day, I wash out the necessary breakfast bowls, and the pot for my tea water if I need to, then fill the pot partway with water and put it on to boil. I then read some daily literature and work my morning prayers while everyone else wakes up or showers. By the time the tea water has boiled and the tea has steeped, Himself and the Queen Mother are taken care of, and I can settle down with my Morning Pages and write to my heart's content.

Sometime after dinner, while Himself is attending to business and the Queen Mother is attending to the news, I put on my shoes and walk around the condo for a couple of laps. It takes me about half an hour, helps with my daily activity and step-count totals, and I am noticing I can work through things in my mind as I move my body, so that's a win-win.

At the end of the day, after I have put the Queen Mother to bed, I inform Himself that I am going to meditate, so that he doesn't inadvertently interrupt me while I'm zenning out. I have a certain technique that I use, and I have been using a special bundle that I put together for Caregiving as my focus. I am finding some inspiration coming through, and I have also noticed I'm getting better sleep. What's also helping in that regard is shutting all devices off at 11pm, to assist further in quieting my mind.

I found myself eyeing Depression before I went to the credit union, but that it dissipated considerably after my visit. I realized that I've become very good at stinking thinking, if not outright catastrophizing, and that I need to retrain myself to accentuate the positive again. I'll see what I can do!

Now I move back to preparing for our Involuntary Staycation... ;)

Day 219: on a day for mothers

Made our Sunday Support group today. Himself was in the spotlight, as he updated our friends on his Cardiac Adventure this past week. We will be going to the Cardiology department tomorrow, and I have a list of questions to ask them.

On the way back, we stopped at Trader Joes for some shopping, and to pick up a Mother's Day treat for the Queen Mother. We settled on a six-pack of chocolate mousse cakes with white and yellow icing. The Queen Mother will have them tonight for her dessert/last snack of the day. I also managed to get the trash out, so the weekend list is successfully completed.

This year I was pretty neutral for Mother's Day. What makes that remarkable: I had a miscarriage in 2015. The pregnancy was a surprise; the miscarriage, not so much. I had no idea what to FEEL on Mother's Day that year. With 2016 the year of Himself's cancer adventure, and 2017 the year that the Queen Mother's Dementia journey started, I really didn't have time to process anything.

Come 2018, and nothing else to occupy my attention, I fell apart on Mother's Day, and wound up doing a ton of processing. I came away with a greater sense of Inner Peace, something I had previously been missing. I wound up writing a letter to the child I knew for only a short period of time, and was able to let that go on some deeper levels. This year, I find myself still in that place of peace, for which I am grateful.

It will be an early night tonight, so let me end here and grab my to-do lists for this upcoming week.

Day 209: on a full thursday

Full day today, starting with a run to Trader Joe's and ending with Walmart. In between, Himself and I first went to Fry's Electronics, where we purchased the graphics card that *should* make the desktop functional again. We had asked them to hold onto one for us yesterday, just in case we returned today to find them sold out.

Next up was Himself's appointment at the VA Medical Center in La Jolla. While he played with stretch bands, I went to the Pharmacy and picked up some of his medications. I can do that with his ID card; they've seen me often enough there that they know I'm The Missus, or as Himself is wont to say, "The Boss."

As Himself is a Cancer Survivor, he's been feeling a wee bit paranoid about the burgeoning measles epidemic spreading around the country, and arranged to redo his MMR (Measles/Mumps/Rubella) vaccine today. There was a bit of unexpected excitement around that: another veteran came along asking for help, then next thing anyone knows, lost his balance and would have fallen if a couple of other men had not caught him and lowered him to the ground. I got a chance to see the Rapid Response team in action; they eventually got him in a wheelchair and took him to the ER on the first floor. Hopefully it wasn't anything serious.

Once we had all of his official medications in tow, we stopped off at a nearby dispensary and purchased his "unofficial" medication, CBD oil. This has been the key to ridding his digestive system of nasty little polyps, as per his most recent "coming and going" appointment in March. After that, it was time for the Monthly Treat: burritos from the Mexican restaurant two doors and a flight of steps down. I like the veggie burritos here because they add grilled mushrooms, and I've only had mushrooms at one other place - Anejo's has a chili and mushroom enchilada which is also Divine!

By the time we got home, it was 5:20, and there was no way I was going to be able to fix the Queen Mother's dinner, eat my dinner, and get to the Caregiver Support Group, so I cut the Group loose. Food will win Every Time. I rested a bit while Himself attended a meeting, and then came the aforementioned Walmart trip after he got back. We are good to go for another little while.

I am going to sleep very soundly tonight. Good thing tomorrow is an Unscheduled day. I have been composing "His & Hers To-Do Lists" to help both Himself and I to remember what needs to be done tomorrow. His has more calls and mine has more chores at the moment.

Looking forward to Unplugging for at least part of the weekend. :)

Day 188: on revising...

Himself had an appointment with his "civilian" podiatrist today, then figured that Club Business was going to take up much of the rest of his day, so instead of grabbing a few things at Trader Joe's after his appointment, we went before his appointment, and I stayed home afterwards with the Queen Mother.

So what did I do with my free time?

I walked my own lap around the complex. I took a picture of what I believe is pink jasmine to post on my Daily Story thread. I might do some "Eye Candy" pictures of flowers over the next few days. Just don't ask me what they are, because I have no idea without googling them. I got to our mailbox at the back of the complex and got yesterday's mail just as the postman pulled up in his USPS truck, so all Himself and I had to worry about this evening was getting today's mail. 

I colored some more of my latest mandala, with Lemon Yellow today. It's a very tricky color to see in anything but natural sunlight, so I colored with it while the light in our room was good.

Once I was done, I filled out my renewal papers for Medi-Cal. I had to revise some of the information on it, because it was way out of date. It's all ready to be dropped off at the County office in plenty of time before the deadline.

I watched some television tonight with the Queen Mother. Normally she watches her programs just fine without me, but I suspect she likes it better when she has a Viewing Buddy. Most of the time it's Himself, but occasionally I'll come in and watch something. Tonight I watched SWAT, one of her cop shows, and the main reason I watched it was that it featured an "updated" version of the Symbionese Liberation Army for our heroes to try to outwit. I was alive at that time, though I only needed one hand to count my age on. I have, however, seen the relevant footage from that time when I was actually old enough to understand it, so I knew what they were talking about. I thought the show was well done.

Himself has a VA Medical Center appointment tomorrow, and I will be tagging along to make sure he hits up the Pharmacy for some of his medications. Beyond that, we shall see what happens.

Day 184: on tackling the to-do list

It was a beautiful day...to take a look at my to-do list and see what the highest priority item was. That item: taxes.

I have prepared my own taxes for years on end, as I am a very simple and easy person, tax wise. This year I printed out the "new and improved" 1040 form, and wasn't super impressed. Leave it to the government to fix a system that wasn't really broken in the first place! I opened up my trusty tablet and downloaded the instructions as a PDF, to save myself paper and headaches.

Anyway, I have been delaying doing my taxes because I figured I would be owing everyone significant amounts of money, due to the partial cash surrenders I had to take out last year. Imagine my surprise when I did the math and found, instead, I get a REFUND, thanks to that handy little thing called Earned Income Credit. Imagine my further surprise when I found that the State will also be sending me some refund money as well, also due to Earned Income Credit. They won't be huge windfalls in either case, but perhaps I can use them to get caught up on the electric bill, if nothing else!

I filled out the forms, then realized I forgot to include a 1099 that I had also received last year. It didn't affect the refunds on either the Federal or the State level, but I stil needed to throw it into the pot. So I redid the forms, and now they're ready to go into the mailbox. Yay me.

One more pleasant surprise was seeing an entire section of the newspaper devoted to Caregiving. I pulled it out and read just about all of it over breakfast. I'll probably finish it up tonight. It had some good information in it, along witb a guide to the Caregiver Expo that's going to take place next Saturday. I attended the first expo last year, but I'm not sure if I'm going to attend it this year. This section, however, covers many of the topics that are scheduled to be covered at the expo, so if I don't make it, it won't be that big of a deal.

Tomorrow is an "empty" day on the calendar, so once again I'll be playing things by ear. I'm actually looking forward to seeing what will unfold; that's a very good thing. :)

Day 177: on a sunday with some swerves

We made it to our Support Group today, despite Himself scaring the bejeezus out of me a couple of times en route. He drove a cab for 20 years, off and on, and let's just say it shows significantly now and again. Our group, as usual, was lovely. One of the members now brings an assortment of squishy stress balls, some more squishy than others, and I have taken to using them to decrease my stress, and increase my hand strength.

Then Himself and I got into discussing our schedule for tomorrow, and what needed to be done tomorrow, and I went into a full-blown panic attack, once again envisioning trying to stuff ten pounds of (scheduling) potatoes into a five pound sack. I settled down somewhat after eating dinner, and after further discussion, we agreed to tackle part of that to-do list today instead of waiting for tomorrow. Except for the cable company's office being closed today, we were successful.

The source of my panic was seeing my desire to visit the ocean being steadily chipped away by all of the errands that needed to be run. I know that I need a break, especially after today, not even 24 hours after decompressing from the previous week! My challenge is to prioritize my Self-Care and holding it as something just as important as any appointment or errand - if not MORE important in some cases. With the shifting of some of our errands to tonight, I am now back on track to visiting the ocean tomorrow.

So, I will be looking over everything once more, and plotting accordingly. Himself has appointments tomorrow and Tuesday, and then the days are free for the rest of the week. There is also a chance of rain in the forecast starting on Wednesday, so we have a very good reason for shifting from an outward focus (appointments and errands) to an inward one (tackling the kitchen and maybe some more decluttering). 

With any luck, Himself's VA attorney will be presenting his case before the Board of Veteran's Affairs tomorrow or Tuesday, so we can start that final ball rolling - and calculate just how far away the summit of the mountain is. Pray for us, if you would. 

Day 146: on squaring up

Today both Himself's and the Queen Mother's monthly payments arrived, so we were able to pay some bills! We got the most important ones squared away (for a hot minute), and I was able to take a few steps to lighten the financial load which always swings around at the start of the month. I need to make a couple more phone calls tomorrow, but I'm breathing a lot easier tonight than I have been for the past few days.

We got as many errands done as we could today because Himself is going to be "occupied" tomorrow with his appointments, and I'm going to be driving him home. While we were out, we picked up a few items to help him with his Clear Liquid Diet requirement today: lemon-lime Jello (he can't eat any of the red gelatins prior to his appointments), chicken broth, and some lemon-flavored Crystal Light to add to the prep he has to drink in order to clean out his innards. It's euphemistically called GoLytely because it has electrolytes in it. Himself has suggested more than once that it should be renamed "Go (very) Hard." He uses a slightly different word in the middle to describe it. ;)

To his credit, he has finished drinking half of the prep per the directions the VAMC gave to him, and let's just say he's letting the noxious concoction do its work. (I haven't had the pleasure of getting a colonoscopy yet, but in about three years or so, we will be trading places, I'm sure.)

I'm not sure how much I will be writing in tomorrow's entry, because we're going to have to get up super early and it might be a bit before everything settles down. I'm going to try really hard to get a nap in when we get home in the afternoon! Between now and then, here's hoping that they don't find any more "suspicious" polyps. So far, so good...and we intend for it to STAY that way!

Day 129: on picking and choosing

Today I sorted through the mail, recycling half of it, and putting in our shredding bag half of what was left. I looked through everything and endeavored to figure out what to pay and when we absolutely needed to pay it. We wound up going to our gas and electric provider, ready to make a payment on our bill, and wound up negotiating a bit more time, until I get my next paycheck sometime next week. (President's Day on Monday is another Federal holiday, and will need to be taken into account.)

We then stopped by Trader Joe's to grab some necessities, and again needed to figure out what we could get now, and what needed to wait until later. Fortunately, we are getting a small stipend each month in food stamps - which are now automatically loaded onto an ordinary looking plastic card these days - and I was able to use that today to pay for our one bag. Also fortunately, some gift cards from Cancer Angels arrived today, and will help to make life much easier for the rest of the month.

I don't feel terribly depressed at the moment, as 1) things worked out better than I thought they would, and 2) Himself and I are both confident that the end of our struggles is coming sooner, instead of later. We have begun to climb the mountain.

I will be starting my next mandala after I finish with this post. Onward...

Day 115: on flipping the script

Shortly after I got up this morning, I checked the bank accounts and found that we had been overdrawn by a withdrawal of an automatic payment. This was not the way I wanted to start my day, especially my Monday, and I felt the Stinking Thinking wanting to take over and jump with me down the nearest rabbit hole. Instead, I called a conscious stop, brewed my cup of tea, and dove into my Morning Pages. I didn't come up with any miraculous solutions, but the act of writing helped to calm down and stay out of the rabbit holes.

After breakfast, I went to my credit union branch and explained my situation. I fully expected sympathy but no action; instead, I got sympathy and the reversal of not one, but two overdraft charges, leaving more money in my account than I had hoped for. I walked out pleasantly surprised and thinking that this might not be another horrid Monday after all...

I took care of some business on the computer, then made my phone calls. Almost all of them produced better than expected results: one place found where we were inadvertently being double-charged, and cancelled the charge that was no longer valid. Another place emailed me the forms I needed to fill out to get a hold of the Queen Mother's records. The one exception was to the Social Security office, so I could not make an appointment. It looks like the Queen Mother will have to visit in person, as a walk in, in order to get the information we need.

With all of my necessary items crossed off my to-do list for the day, I went into the kitchen and loaded dirty dishes into the dishwasher. I finished up after dessert had been eaten and started the dishwasher up. On top of everything else, I finished coloring my latest mandala.

So many days have started out crappy and gone downhill from there. Today was a flipping of the script - a bad start, but a good finish. Taking a few small breaks to stop and recenter helped immensely. :)