Day 357: on considering balance

Today started out damp and has ended damp. I laugh at our weatherman's assertion that "the bulk of the moisture has moved on," considering I heard it rain, albeit lightly, three times after the local news was on this evening. It is definitely the season to wear pants and drink more warm teas, though we have been advised that things will warm up again starting the second half of next week. 

It was a good day to take a deep dive in the Morning Pages, and consider what I can do to strengthen my Spritual muscles. The Pages and this blog help keep my Mental and Emotional muscles in good shape, but my Spiritual practices have fallen by the wayside during the heavier and more intense parts of my Odyssey. The takeaway from my "thinking aloud" in the Pages is that I need to create opportunities to do super quick and easy things, as quick and easy as swiping up on my screen and tapping on Instagram or my Freecell game. 

The two things right now that I can do that are super easy and nurturing are Coloring and Reading. I wound up reorganizing a creative nook that I have, throwing out things that needed to be recycled or otherwise pitched, and gathering together my coloring books. I found that I have been gifted A LOT of coloring books over the past few years; I won't be running out of things to color any time soon! I was going to add some actual books in this nook, but I don't have the room at the moment to do so. I need to rearrange a bit more for that to happen. That's perfectly fine, as it's a work in progress, and I will be returning back to it later.

The rest of the day was easy as well: taking out the trash and keeping up with recycling, preparing dinner for the Queen Mother and myself, then leaving her to her TV programs (Saturday is all about Animal Planet) and enjoying the gift of being At Ease. Tomorrow will bring a new day and the start of services for the Jewish New Year. We will be attending at our synagogue after all.

Day 247: on the important business

Himself and I awoke earlier than usual to pop the cats into their carriers and drive over to the Humane Society today to take advantage of their Sunday Vaccination clinics, where we can get their shots for $10 a pop. As they needed their FVRCP vaccines and their Rabies vaccines, that waS $40 total - perfect for folks on a budget like us. Pippa was none too happy with the experience, vocalizing her displeasure all the way down and back; Inkblot, in contrast, barely made a peep. I'm not sure whether he took comfort from his sister's presence, or whether he might actually be getting used to riding in a car. :o

I'm glad we got up and moving when we did: the clinic is on a first-come, first-served basis, and they cut off their intake at 75 critters. We wound up at the "tail end" of the line at numbers 67 & 68. The cats have been hating on us ever since they got home, being friendly for mealtime but not much else. Starting tomorrow, they will be really hating on us once we drop them off at PetSmart! That's where the post-fumigation can of people tuna will come in. ;)

The other miracle of the day came when I tidied up in front of our bed in our bedroom. I managed to get rid of a whole bunch of magazines that I was initially saving for collaging, but popped into the recycling bin instead. There will always be more magazines to peruse and harvest images from! I'm very proud of myself right now for managing to Let Go where I had Clung Tightly before. We also dropped off some clothes and shoes at the Goodwill up the street, as I'm on a bit of a mission to empty out all plastic bags before we leave for a week. I don't want any of the noxious gas to be left behind, waiting for a chance to shoot up any unsuspecting nostrils.

Side note: I have tried in the past to sell clothes before, but the amount I received for my wardrobe castoffs didn't even cover the gas money used to transport them. Unless you're a fashion- forward size two through size six, don't bother; just donate instead. Besides, I found myself holding onto the bags while waiting till the "perfect moment" to sell them, and that meant they were just sitting around doing nothing while I was occupied by Life. I'm working on Just Letting Stuff Go instead of waiting for that Perfect Moment to Sell and Make Money. In the end, I'm remembering it's more about clearing out space and less about gaining pocket money.

Tonight and tomorrow is the packing of all the food we are not taking with us into the special bags. Tomorrow is the day we depart onto our "forced" Fumigation Staycation. I choose to believe I am doing the best I can do, and will just leave the rest for when we return home.

Day 141: on turbulence

Definitely a mixed emotional bag today. I took care of my monthly conference call, then settled into breakfast proper. I went back to the Morning Pages as I continued my process of detangling my thoughts. I checked in briefly with my East Coast bestie, who has been going through as much physically as I have emotionally over these past few years, and also seems to be on the steady road of improvement.

I started reorganizing at the foot of the bed, as I had intended to do. I also swept some floors (in the kitchen and mom's bathroom) while Himself followed up with mopping. The floors look much nicer now. I should have felt good, and I did - but every time I felt I was getting ahead, I would feel like I was falling behind and failing miserably in the next moment. The Tired is definitely catching up with me. 

We managed to get a little grocery shopping in today, but I wasn't able to get everything I needed. That and the fact that the Queen Mother doesn't like the frozen chicken strips I got for her the other day, and would prefer the fresh strips from Trader Joe's instead - except we didn't have quite enough money to get the fresh chicken today, and will have to wait until Monday. 

I try to remember it's partly her dementia, and partly being set in her ways. I still wind up taking her opinions way too personally, and if I allow myself, can jump down that rabbit hole of Not Good Enough really quickly. Today I allowed myself some comfort food and finished off my reorganizing efforts. Then I could allow myself to feel better. 

Himself and I are still debating about everything we're going to do tomorrow. I think I'm going to take a decluttering break until Monday, then figure out where I going to start picking up next.

Day 102: on an un-rushed day

Another easy day today. :)

Between my Morning Pages and my journal, I did a lot of mental decluttering. It's interesting how some things I discovered early on in my Shadow Work have resurfaced in this Odyssey, and how much I wound up forgetting, thanks to all of the "cortisol baths" my brain has taken over the past two-ish years. I meet the lessons again, on a different level of the spiral, and my epiphanies feel familiar, and still ring true.

It feels like I have had a lot of Fear cleared out of me. Now I can see where I started projects and other things out of a place of Fear, so of course they weren't going to work out. I see where I have moved from Resistance into Acceptance and life has flowed Much More Easily, and with a modicum of Grace. There are still places where I am experiencing Resistance in my life; there are good times to work on switching to Acceptance, and there are times when I need to let the Resistance have a say, and see what I am resisting, and why. I sorted out a lot in my mental closet today, and reaffirmed a few things, and saw how a few other things now make a whole lotta sense. (Perhaps I'll be a little less vague at a future time.)

I did have to do a bit of grocery shopping today, so I prodded Himself into action, and we stepped out (into a bit of rain) and got the most necessary things. The rest can abide for later in the week, when I have a bit more wiggle room in the account. I am, however, still in the positive, and that's the most important thing.

The rain let up, but is now falling again, light but steady. I no longer feel like I need to hibernate my way through the wet weather, as my Moontime has come to an end for this month. Granted, I didn't get much, if any, "practical work" done today, but sometimes the Inner Work needs to get done first, before the Outer Work can be tackled.

We will see what the morrow brings, besides more rain... ;)

Day 88: on starting somewhere

It turns out a good night's sleep did wonders for everyone's dispositions. The unpleasantness of the night before was left in the past, by unspoken mutual agreement. Himself and I also decided to tackle some of the "problem areas" the Queen Mother has been grousing about.

Mom can't use the shower in her bathroom, because it's one of those tub/shower combos, and the bathtub ledge is too high for her to step over safely. She comes and uses the shower in our bathroom, because it's a dedicated shower, and has a very low lip she can step over much more easily. It was beginning to show the effects of much use, shall we say, so Himself devoted his efforts to cleaning the shower. None of us use the bath/shower combo in the other bathroom, because 1) that shower head is broken, and 2) neither Himself nor I can fit into the shallow bathtub. Queen Mother could, but she would never be able to get up out of it again without a lot of help.

My task for today was to tackle the mountain of paperwork we had accumulated since 2016, when the Caregiver role began to take over my life, and anything that wasn't a high priority was swept aside. My first step was to sort all of the papers into three piles: mine, his, and mom's. Needless to say, mom's pile is the smallest, and it's a toss up between Himself and myself as to which of us has the longer paper trail! The next step is to sort each of our piles into three smaller piles: stuff to be recycled now, stuff to be held back for shredding, and stuff that's actually important enough to keep. I suspect the third pile will be the smallest, at least for me!

While all of this was going on, I also dove into the linen hamper and grabbed all of the towels and dishcloths for a long overdue washing. Drying is still in progress, as our dryer is no longer the most efficient appliance in the home, and the lint filter seems to fill up every five seconds!

I could have felt sorry for myself today, but I chose to take a step into the chaos and began to wrest some much needed Order out of it. This is one of my goals for 2019, and the first for the home.

Day 13: on summing up

I have succeeded in clearing the floor in the master bedroom. We still need a good vacuuming, but it's nice being able to walk without having to step over or around piles of whatnot in the middle of the night in order to reach the commode.

Himself received paperwork in the mail from the "civilian" neurologist. He will still have to visit their office tomorrow to get everything, but all systems are go to put together settlement proposal. Hoping to have it completed next week.

Tomorrow is going to be a full day of appointments. I will speak more at length in the evening after all has been said and done.

Went to my support group tonight and came up with a new term: as there is Pre-Grieving (mourning the loss of a loved one before their passing), I came up with Pre-Bitching - anticipating a loved one's reaction when Himself and I tell the Queen Mother we're leaving for a long weekend next week, and a friend of ours will be staying with her while we're away. I doubt if she will be thrilled. More on that as we draw closer to time.

Herein is the summary. Will be back tomorrow... :)

Day 12: on the magic of momentum

The ease and grace that began to flow yesterday continued today. :)

Practically, I made some more headway in cleaning up the master bedroom. I had a modest pile of clothes in one corner. They had been tagged originally for Giveaway, but then I got the idea in my head that perhaps I could sell my clothes for some much needed cash. Well, the first time I tried to sell clothes was the last time; I don't think I got more than $5 combined from the two places we visited. Then I got the idea to rent a booth at a swap meet and sell the fruits of my decluttering efforts there. That got swept away shortly after Himself's cancer diagnosis, and the subsequent onset of my Depression saw me not doing anything in the way of decluttering or offloading, and the planned castoffs just kept piling up.

Today I picked those clothes up, shook them clear, and placed them neatly in bags. My lesson has been learned: for me, Giveaway is the Only Way. Neither Himself nor I have the bandwidth to secure a place at the swap meet - and the horror stories I hear about selling stuff online far outweigh the success stories. Giveaway is SO much easier for me/us all the way around!  At any rate, between decluttering and taking out trash + recycling, I feel like I got a fair amount done today, with more to come tomorrow.

Later in the day, I went with Himself to his follow-up appointment with the "civilian" neurologist (one he found outside the VA) to discuss the results of the CT scan he had 10 days ago. You see, he was rear-ended while driving on the I-5 freeway this past July (on the first day of Comi-Con, so traffic was more horrendous than usual!), and got whiplash. Then he began to have nearly nonstop migrane headches. I had an offer from my chiropractor for a free exam; between that and the coverage provided by our car insurance, he started going for treatment. He's now getting all of the bills together (that have been incurred from the accident), and he will be submitting everything to the other driver's insurance company soon for a settlement. For a car accident claim, things have been moving rather fast, and I am hoping for a swift resolution.

Following the neurology appointment, we were advised that the hard copy of the records would be available in a couple of days. Friday is a full appointment day, and as I looked at the calendar, I could feel myself starting to feel a bit anxious. This time, however, I was able to stop, take a deep breath, and bring myself back to the present. "There's no use in borrowing from Tomorrow's problems for Today," I told myself. There's another mantra in that; let me put it in the back of my mind and let it percolate for a bit. Regardless, I have faith we'll be able to navigate Friday's gauntlet of appointments with ease.

If this is the start of a better personal year, I won't have any complaints. :)

Day 3: on decluttering and downsizing

After I finished up yesterday's post, I returned to a project that has been ongoing for a while: decluttering the master bedroom in our home (where Himself and I sleep). One thing about depression is that there are times when I really don't want to Do Anything, so the bedroom got rather bad with clutter and mess. I've been cleaning it up by degrees, and got a lot of work done yesterday. The floor in front of our bed is visible again! and one can get to the side door now!

The Queen Mother and I moved into our current home just before New Year's, 2000. We went from a decent sized, 3 bedroom 2 bath home into a 2 bedroom, 2 bath condo just under 1000 square feet. We did a lot of downsizing then, and still left a lot behind. As time as gone on, more of the upkeep has shifted to my shoulders - and then our shoulders, when Himself joined us in the condo in 2013. Between his cancer adventure, Queen Mother's diminishing capacities, and my depression...well, things got chaotic. It didn't get Hoarder-level bad (though Queen Mother might disagree with that), but we are definitely planning to get some help with keeping up the condo once our financial situation improves. In the meantime, when the prospect of decluttering and reorganizing stuff doesn't seem too overwhelming - and sometimes it does, as I wonder if I'm ever going to get back on top of things when I'm in Stinking Thinking mode - I manage to carve out pockets of Order in the Chaos, one part of one room at a time.

I'm not alone in this.

At the start of the year, the Queen Mother had two brothers. The younger of the two brothers passed away last Sunday, on September 30th. (If you follow along on Facebook, you'll know this.) We went to visit my aunt/his widow today...and she has a monumental task in front of her. Their house was a bit larger than our original one, and they had three kids they raised and watched fly out of the nest. Decades of memories and items are still present there, and she needs to downsize radically in order to move into an Independent Living facility. Her room is slightly more than half the size of the condo we live in! We managed to take home a few things today, and we've called dibs on a few things we need to figure out how to transport home. She's a bit overwhelmed and slightly panicked at the enormity of the task, but she seems to be keeping her composure quite well. We've offered to help schlep stuff as needed.

As I type these words onto the screen, the sense of I'm Not Alone In This arises in my mind, and I can breathe just a little easier. If my aunt can summon up the gumption to whittle a lifetime down to Essentials, perhaps I can be inspired to sort through the things that have informed my life up to this point and get a little sleeker, and clutter-free. Wish me luck.