I see it's been about a week, so I thought I would take advantage of the relative
quiet here and check in.
I had planned to write sooner, but I had another a visit from my "bestie," Depression. She stopped by after I had to cancel my planned therapy appointment because I did some math, and realized I needed to get cat food more than I needed to get my head shrunk. Of course, to my Very Little One, that represented yet another Broken Promise that I could not keep for myself.
I was recovering from that when I got waylaid by some sort of sinus issue. Cold or Infection, I'm not sure, but I felt like crap, had to force myself to eat, and spent more time asleep than awake. These are my signs that I'm really and truly sick, and when I added that to my Depression, oh was that loads of fun! Do not wake me until at least 2025, please! I did start feeling better yesterday with the clearing of the brain fog out of my head. Today, however, my lower back began protesting, so I've continued to keep my activity level low key.
It was not hard to stay chill. actually, as the skies opened up this afternoon and the rain came down with a vengeance for Southern California. Hello, Winter Storms of 2019! We're supposed to get more rain tomorrow, then have it taper off on Thursday, leading to seventy-degree temps for the weekend and beyond. I joke that I took a "second shower" when I went out with Himself to grab the yogurt he forgot to get yesterday. I splurged a little and got myself an Eggnog Greek Yogurt. Some folks go crazy for Pumpkin Spice. My holiday turn-on is all things Eggnog (the "unleaded" version, of course.)
Oh yes, we finally got the anticipated authorization for the Queen Mother's CT scan as well. I had the appointment set up for her, but had to cancel it due to the Creeping Crud. If I can play my cards right, I can get her bloodwork done in the same building prior to the CT scan, so I'm going to give that a shot. She seems to have improved physically, but is now having trouble telling time on a regular clock. I have resisted going totally digital, but might not have a choice any longer.
Though the first part of the week was trashed, I'm looking forward to some fun things in the second half of the week. Hopefully I can get myself back into at least a semblance of balance in the next few days, as I have not been a happy camper as of late...
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 19, 2019
Sunday, October 20, 2019
climbing back on the blogging bandwagon
I have not had the best week this week. I went on what I'm calling a Depression Bender for a few days, starting on Wednesday (my birthday, as it happens). I felt better on Saturday after doing a bit of Shadow Work, but today has been an anxious day, and I got to the point where my nerves were completely fried and I could not do anything else but take a nap. I do feel more stable and less anxious after my nap, though.
I thought I had found the perfect set up for watching over the Queen Mother while I went on vacation with Himself to Seattle. When I talked with the lady at SCRC, though, she informed me that the (reasonable) daily rate was for housing mom at the residential facility they work with. Problem is, who would come in and feed the cats? We boarded them during the fumigation of our condo, and that was a near disaster, as they quit eating and pooping and were downright miserable. (Oh yes, and when we got them home again, they puked for nearly an entire week!) When I asked after the hourly rate, I was informed that it would be twice as expensive as the residential price - and the rate of $13.50 per hour is HALF of what any agency in the area would charge.
The tricky part is that the Queen Mother doesn't necessarily need someone to stay all night with her, but she does need help in going to bed the first time, as it is very painful for her, and she usually doesn't get to be till about midnight. (At the moment, she can manage getting up to pee in the wee hours by herself.) She has also mentioned several times that she gets lonely when we have to leave the house to take care of our business. Translation: she relies on me to keep her company. :p
The idea that we wouldn't have enough money to have someone come and watch her, combined with the idea that I would have to give up Yet Another Vacation, on top of the pressure I (unwittingly) put on myself to have a "good day" on my birthday...it was all too much. We're now back to square one to find someone who can come and watch her, hopefully at a reasonable cost. This time, fortunately, Himself is helping me to look for someone. I am saving the research I have already done, because when we get the next infusion of money, I will be going through one of these agencies to bring someone in to spell me for respite.
And about money - the financial windfall has been used up. I'm trying very hard not to blame either Himself or myself for not being more thrifty with the money, and it didn't help that we had to pay a third of what we had received to his DC attorney. I admit, the outlook today isn't as bleak as it once was: the personal injury settlement is in progress, and we are waiting to hear from one of the insurance companies. (The other one has responded in a less than satisfactory way, and he might be pursuing mediation against them.) Himself's attorney in DC is set to present the idea that he is Totally and Permanently Disabled, which would bring his "service connection" to 100%. This would mean a big jump in his monthly pension, dental work covered by the VA, forgiveness of his student loan debt, and insurance for me. Himself is also planning on pursuing the original carpal-tunnel case further, as 2015 doesn't go back far enough, not when he has evidence regarding his condition dating back to 1993. On top of all of that, Himself and the Queen Mother are both set to receive Cost of Living increases starting in January, which will help.
Our financial situation isn't as bleak as it was, as we have definitive progress...but try telling that to my beyond-frazzled nervous system, which has been waiting and waiting and has no cushion left to absorb any perceived blows. Try telling that to my frayed emotions, which have been waiting and waiting for some sort of Relief and takes every setback like it's thermonuclear devastation. Try telling that to my weary spirit, which has traded Expectation for Faith, and has clung to expectations so hard, in a This or Nothing way, that these expectations are becoming toxic. In other words, the windfall was nice, but it didn't alter the fact that I'm still a Hot Mess inside.
This is why I'm returning to daily, or at least weekdaily, posting on the blog. It's when I stopped doing it regularly that I realized its importance: it was serving as a place where I could vent, as well as share, regardless of whether or not I had an audience. (I did/do appreciate the comments, though, so please keep them coming!) More, it was something I could rely upon within myself, and help me get through the day. If I did nothing else on some days but post on my blog, I was doing Something, and often times that was just enough to keep me afloat, or at the very least, ignoring the pressure that threatened to squeeze me into a bloody pulp. I'm already feeling better having reclaimed my "voice" and letting loose here, in fact.
Next I need to share the Good Stuff that's transpired, but I'll save that for the next day or two. Promise.
I thought I had found the perfect set up for watching over the Queen Mother while I went on vacation with Himself to Seattle. When I talked with the lady at SCRC, though, she informed me that the (reasonable) daily rate was for housing mom at the residential facility they work with. Problem is, who would come in and feed the cats? We boarded them during the fumigation of our condo, and that was a near disaster, as they quit eating and pooping and were downright miserable. (Oh yes, and when we got them home again, they puked for nearly an entire week!) When I asked after the hourly rate, I was informed that it would be twice as expensive as the residential price - and the rate of $13.50 per hour is HALF of what any agency in the area would charge.
The tricky part is that the Queen Mother doesn't necessarily need someone to stay all night with her, but she does need help in going to bed the first time, as it is very painful for her, and she usually doesn't get to be till about midnight. (At the moment, she can manage getting up to pee in the wee hours by herself.) She has also mentioned several times that she gets lonely when we have to leave the house to take care of our business. Translation: she relies on me to keep her company. :p
The idea that we wouldn't have enough money to have someone come and watch her, combined with the idea that I would have to give up Yet Another Vacation, on top of the pressure I (unwittingly) put on myself to have a "good day" on my birthday...it was all too much. We're now back to square one to find someone who can come and watch her, hopefully at a reasonable cost. This time, fortunately, Himself is helping me to look for someone. I am saving the research I have already done, because when we get the next infusion of money, I will be going through one of these agencies to bring someone in to spell me for respite.
And about money - the financial windfall has been used up. I'm trying very hard not to blame either Himself or myself for not being more thrifty with the money, and it didn't help that we had to pay a third of what we had received to his DC attorney. I admit, the outlook today isn't as bleak as it once was: the personal injury settlement is in progress, and we are waiting to hear from one of the insurance companies. (The other one has responded in a less than satisfactory way, and he might be pursuing mediation against them.) Himself's attorney in DC is set to present the idea that he is Totally and Permanently Disabled, which would bring his "service connection" to 100%. This would mean a big jump in his monthly pension, dental work covered by the VA, forgiveness of his student loan debt, and insurance for me. Himself is also planning on pursuing the original carpal-tunnel case further, as 2015 doesn't go back far enough, not when he has evidence regarding his condition dating back to 1993. On top of all of that, Himself and the Queen Mother are both set to receive Cost of Living increases starting in January, which will help.
Our financial situation isn't as bleak as it was, as we have definitive progress...but try telling that to my beyond-frazzled nervous system, which has been waiting and waiting and has no cushion left to absorb any perceived blows. Try telling that to my frayed emotions, which have been waiting and waiting for some sort of Relief and takes every setback like it's thermonuclear devastation. Try telling that to my weary spirit, which has traded Expectation for Faith, and has clung to expectations so hard, in a This or Nothing way, that these expectations are becoming toxic. In other words, the windfall was nice, but it didn't alter the fact that I'm still a Hot Mess inside.
This is why I'm returning to daily, or at least weekdaily, posting on the blog. It's when I stopped doing it regularly that I realized its importance: it was serving as a place where I could vent, as well as share, regardless of whether or not I had an audience. (I did/do appreciate the comments, though, so please keep them coming!) More, it was something I could rely upon within myself, and help me get through the day. If I did nothing else on some days but post on my blog, I was doing Something, and often times that was just enough to keep me afloat, or at the very least, ignoring the pressure that threatened to squeeze me into a bloody pulp. I'm already feeling better having reclaimed my "voice" and letting loose here, in fact.
Next I need to share the Good Stuff that's transpired, but I'll save that for the next day or two. Promise.
Wednesday, July 10, 2019
Day 278: on powering through
I took a deep dive in the Morning Pages today. Most of the time I can only manage one page, though when I have more time in the morning, I can often whip out two. Now and again, I manage to do the three pages that are recommended. Today was a three-page day; I was about to wind down, but a bit of Frustration needed a platform to be witnessed, so I let my pen continue to flow across the paper until it was done.
The gist of the Frustration: my biggest drain in Caregiving is not Physical; it's Mental. It's having to remember to be patient when I'm trying to say something to the Queen Mother for the fifth time before she can understand me. It's having to remind Himself of things he needs to do, because the Traumatic Brain Injury has ruined his (short-term) memory. It's having to keep track of what appointment is coming up next, and what tasks need to be handled next - which is why I'm a list making fiend. Sometimes I feel like I need a (virtual) secretary to help keep track of everything!
Be it venting in the Morning Pages, or be it having two days in a row of significant errand-running, I felt Depression on the other side of the mental door, wanting to persuade me how it would be So Much Better to Stay Home and Let Go of All the Responsibility. I got in touch with the Anger that was wanting to turn inward and let it out in my workout today. Once again, I crushed it on the various machines, burning the calories and breaking a decent sweat. Today I got my Hardcore Sparkle on. ;)
Once again, we got a bit of a late start out the door, so once again, we were rather late getting back to the house. The Queen Mother grumbled a little bit, but not too much. After dinner I finally relented and had a bit of a nap, then colored in my mandala book when I woke back up, finishing up one mandala (which I posted in my Messenger Stories) and worked some more on another one. I've drifted away from the coloring, and I want to get back into it on a more regular basis.
Tomorrow there are no appointments, so it feels like a good time to tie off some loose ends of a domestic nature, and perhaps finally get around to returning those phone calls I received late last week! At least I won't have to jump out of bed in the morning...
Tuesday, June 18, 2019
Day 256: on lenses and lightening up
The cats ate very well late last night, and what's more, they kept the food down! I did a happy dance when I woke up this morning, right after I called the vet to cancel their appointments. The fumigation stressed them out more than I thought, so if possible, we're going to hire a cat / house sitter whenever we need to be away for an extended period of time.
The happy dance was tempered a bit because the right lens of my glasses kept popping out of the frame. Relying on one good eye to see the world was marginally better than having one focused eye vs. one blurry eye, which threatened to give me a headache really quick, so I wound up wrapping an old grocery receipt around the frame so I only needed to worry about the one good eye.
To add a bit of spice to the morning, Inkblot brought in a fledgling mourning dove (I believe), which I managed to separate from the cat and put in a safe place to fly off - except it didn't fly off. An hour and a half later, it was still sitting in the same spot. Fortunately, we have a wildlife rescue through the San Diego Humane Society, and there was a vet close by that gladly accepted the fledgling. Hopefully it can be rehabilitated.
I got to the eye doctor after Himself's chiropractic appointment, and the wayward lens was popped back into place and secured. It was nice to be able to see again! Himself dropped me off at home before heading down to San Diego for a Board Meeting of the Club he is a volunteer at, he's the Secretary of said Board.
At that point, I had a choice: veg out or take out the trash, because it was smelling like an open (raw) sewer. I took out the trash, which led to some recycling, which led to some tidying up around the recycling area. It looks like tomorrow will be a good day to recycle the empty plastic bottles of flavored fizzy water that have built up, so we will see if we can pencil that in for tomorrow. (Himself loves his flavored fizzy water; I suppose I should be happy he drinks it as much as he does, or he wouldn't get hydrated at all!)
I also took the time to sit down and look at the set of to-do lists I had made up for each room of the house, along with the two patios we have. They didn't need any updating; they just need doing. Additionally, I sat down and got out of my head and onto paper what "adminstrative" tasks need to be done (and prioritized them), along with what needed to be tackled in the patio, which is equal parts jungle and junkyard. That is going to be tackled piecemeal, as I feel up to it and as weather permits. (I'm not so much concerned about rain as I am about heat, since the hottest months of the year are just around the corner. I may be a Jaguar, but I'm not stupid.)
It wasn't until I had turned that corner today and stopped to look back that I realized just how Heavy my Depression had been. It had really settled in late Sunday night, had been exacerbated by my Monday headache, and didn't really dissipate till this afternoon. The old tape of What's the Use? and Why Bother? had been running through my head. and it wasn't until I chose to get active and take out the trash and recycling that it finally loosened it's grip.
Good thing I worked it out of my system, because we seem to be in a holding pattern in DC: the staff at the Board of Veteran's Appeals is once again getting ready to submit Himself's case to a judge. Apparently they had to Drop Everything and convert about 1500 pages of medical evidence into a suitable PDF after Himself's attorney submitted it as an "addendum." Why they didn't do this previously, I have no idea. Basically, the mists finally parted - to reveal yet another mountain to climb at the summit of the one we had just finished climbing. We have no firm timetable, though Himself's attorney believes the case will be resolved "in less than a year."
This is why both of us are going to start seeking out sources of financial aid. Himself will cover the Veteran's side of the coin, and I'm going to cover the Disabled Senior side of the coin. Our error in judgment was in Waiting Until the Money Came, and it's now become super apparent that we can no longer wait. We need to take action ourselves, NOW. Hopefully the final action won't be bankruptcy.
Tomorrow will be a full day, between recycling and a trip to the VA Medical Center in La Jolla, with a possible trip to Scripps afterwards. With all of these appointments and errands, I don't think I could actually fit a job into my schedule. This is my full time work now: the job of Caregiver.
The happy dance was tempered a bit because the right lens of my glasses kept popping out of the frame. Relying on one good eye to see the world was marginally better than having one focused eye vs. one blurry eye, which threatened to give me a headache really quick, so I wound up wrapping an old grocery receipt around the frame so I only needed to worry about the one good eye.
To add a bit of spice to the morning, Inkblot brought in a fledgling mourning dove (I believe), which I managed to separate from the cat and put in a safe place to fly off - except it didn't fly off. An hour and a half later, it was still sitting in the same spot. Fortunately, we have a wildlife rescue through the San Diego Humane Society, and there was a vet close by that gladly accepted the fledgling. Hopefully it can be rehabilitated.
I got to the eye doctor after Himself's chiropractic appointment, and the wayward lens was popped back into place and secured. It was nice to be able to see again! Himself dropped me off at home before heading down to San Diego for a Board Meeting of the Club he is a volunteer at, he's the Secretary of said Board.
At that point, I had a choice: veg out or take out the trash, because it was smelling like an open (raw) sewer. I took out the trash, which led to some recycling, which led to some tidying up around the recycling area. It looks like tomorrow will be a good day to recycle the empty plastic bottles of flavored fizzy water that have built up, so we will see if we can pencil that in for tomorrow. (Himself loves his flavored fizzy water; I suppose I should be happy he drinks it as much as he does, or he wouldn't get hydrated at all!)
I also took the time to sit down and look at the set of to-do lists I had made up for each room of the house, along with the two patios we have. They didn't need any updating; they just need doing. Additionally, I sat down and got out of my head and onto paper what "adminstrative" tasks need to be done (and prioritized them), along with what needed to be tackled in the patio, which is equal parts jungle and junkyard. That is going to be tackled piecemeal, as I feel up to it and as weather permits. (I'm not so much concerned about rain as I am about heat, since the hottest months of the year are just around the corner. I may be a Jaguar, but I'm not stupid.)
It wasn't until I had turned that corner today and stopped to look back that I realized just how Heavy my Depression had been. It had really settled in late Sunday night, had been exacerbated by my Monday headache, and didn't really dissipate till this afternoon. The old tape of What's the Use? and Why Bother? had been running through my head. and it wasn't until I chose to get active and take out the trash and recycling that it finally loosened it's grip.
Good thing I worked it out of my system, because we seem to be in a holding pattern in DC: the staff at the Board of Veteran's Appeals is once again getting ready to submit Himself's case to a judge. Apparently they had to Drop Everything and convert about 1500 pages of medical evidence into a suitable PDF after Himself's attorney submitted it as an "addendum." Why they didn't do this previously, I have no idea. Basically, the mists finally parted - to reveal yet another mountain to climb at the summit of the one we had just finished climbing. We have no firm timetable, though Himself's attorney believes the case will be resolved "in less than a year."
This is why both of us are going to start seeking out sources of financial aid. Himself will cover the Veteran's side of the coin, and I'm going to cover the Disabled Senior side of the coin. Our error in judgment was in Waiting Until the Money Came, and it's now become super apparent that we can no longer wait. We need to take action ourselves, NOW. Hopefully the final action won't be bankruptcy.
Tomorrow will be a full day, between recycling and a trip to the VA Medical Center in La Jolla, with a possible trip to Scripps afterwards. With all of these appointments and errands, I don't think I could actually fit a job into my schedule. This is my full time work now: the job of Caregiver.
Tuesday, May 14, 2019
Day 221: on a sudden stop
Himself managed to tackle his to-do list rather well. Me, not so much.
I figured things were going to go off track when I spent my time drinking my Chai Tea Latte, yet reading a long article about Generation-X, of which I'm a part. I did not realize Depression was going to pay a visit today and make moving forward super Heavy. I wound up napping quite a bit.
It's not just one reason I was depressed - I have my short list to rattle off - but my challenge is that I'm too tired to either beat back the stinking thinking, or refute it with Positive opposites. I'm worn out and burning out.
The mists parted from the summit of the mountain, for a brief moment, as Himself got a helpline number for the Board of Veterans Appeals. He called the helpline, and learned that progress on his case has been stalled. Apparently, his case manager at the law firm representing him has changed, so they informed the Board. When this happens, they have to Stop Everything, review the change, then they can Restart the process once the change passes muster. Hopefully this doesn't toss the case to the back of the line entirely, but still...a delay. (LE SIIIIIIIIGH)
Then I wonder why Depression paid a visit. That's me in a nutshell: Stalled.
Round two of appointments is tomorrow, so I will be too busy to throw myself a pity party. Action outside of myself is what I need to snap me out of my funk.
I figured things were going to go off track when I spent my time drinking my Chai Tea Latte, yet reading a long article about Generation-X, of which I'm a part. I did not realize Depression was going to pay a visit today and make moving forward super Heavy. I wound up napping quite a bit.
It's not just one reason I was depressed - I have my short list to rattle off - but my challenge is that I'm too tired to either beat back the stinking thinking, or refute it with Positive opposites. I'm worn out and burning out.
The mists parted from the summit of the mountain, for a brief moment, as Himself got a helpline number for the Board of Veterans Appeals. He called the helpline, and learned that progress on his case has been stalled. Apparently, his case manager at the law firm representing him has changed, so they informed the Board. When this happens, they have to Stop Everything, review the change, then they can Restart the process once the change passes muster. Hopefully this doesn't toss the case to the back of the line entirely, but still...a delay. (LE SIIIIIIIIGH)
Then I wonder why Depression paid a visit. That's me in a nutshell: Stalled.
Round two of appointments is tomorrow, so I will be too busy to throw myself a pity party. Action outside of myself is what I need to snap me out of my funk.
Saturday, May 4, 2019
Day 211: on a quiet saturday
Feeling better now. Depression hit me hard yesterday and this morning - the fear that Nothing Is Going To Change, Ever, and the fact that I don't have that much in the Emotional Reserve tank to ward off the Stinking Thinking effectively at the moment.
I kept my promise to stay Unplugged, though, and worked on a mandala, and puttered around a little here and there. Eventually I cut myself free and bobbed back to the surface.
Did a bit of cooking as well: a can of lentil soup, a can of white beans, and a small can of corn, thrown together and heated up, then combined with rice and enjoyed with a mixed green and kale salad. Tasty stuff.
I will be celebrating Beltane with some of my sisters tomorrow after all. I secured a ride to my friend's house.
I must be close to the summit of the mountain, because the climb is steep and the air is thin. Slowly forward and upward I go...
I kept my promise to stay Unplugged, though, and worked on a mandala, and puttered around a little here and there. Eventually I cut myself free and bobbed back to the surface.
Did a bit of cooking as well: a can of lentil soup, a can of white beans, and a small can of corn, thrown together and heated up, then combined with rice and enjoyed with a mixed green and kale salad. Tasty stuff.
I will be celebrating Beltane with some of my sisters tomorrow after all. I secured a ride to my friend's house.
I must be close to the summit of the mountain, because the climb is steep and the air is thin. Slowly forward and upward I go...
Wednesday, April 24, 2019
Day 201: on depression's lessons
There comes a point during each Moontime when I "rise back to the surface," and no longer feel like I'm swimming in the depths. Today was that point.
Every month when I bleed, emotions that are usually hidden under layers of psyche become more easily accessible. This isn't always a pleasant thing. The last few days have shown me what my Depression is most preoccupied with: the idea that Nothing Will Ever Change, and that I Am Stuck (in poverty and in the shadow of my mother and my husband) Forever - more, that I have become "Too Negative" to shift my circumstances.
Thank you for your concern, Depression.
I managed to get a bit of tidying up done, including sweeping the kitchen floor, before my back started wanting to go out, so I needed to ease back on the throttle and take it a little easier. In the meantime, the toilet in the master bathroom decided to overflow, and I needed to help Himself the best that I could in cleaning up the mess. (Thanks to a friend's generosity, he is getting some bleach to finish said cleaning.) At one point, though, I could feel my mind wanting to "lock up" in Overwhelm. These episodes don't happen that often, but when they do, they are debilitating.
My challenge right now seems to be what will best occupy my mind, and distract my Depression, for however long it takes to receive the funds that have been promised to come our way. At this point, I am considering all options.
Friday, April 12, 2019
Day 189: on revisiting...
Depression paid me a visit today, feeling very Heavy and sad. I dialogued with it on in the Morning Pages, and found the reason for Depression's visit, which could be summed up thusly: Still Waiting.
I resonated with both of those words...the "Waiting," yes, as I/we have several projects still in progress, hopefully with resolutions in the near future, emphasis on hopefully. As for "Still," I feel like I'm frozen in place, waiting for Something Positive and Prosperous To Happen, so I can start moving again. As I've mentioned before, I don't handle Ambiguity very well, so some days end with me ready to climb the walls and walk across the ceiling!
Once I had identified what was feeling out of sorts, though, I did feel better.
We revisited the VA today, as Himself had a follow up appointment with his dietician. She praised him for recording his meals in a food journal of sorts on his phone; now his challenges are 1) measuring out his portions to establish Portion Control parameters, and 2) being more aware of his late night eating habits, which is where he tends to stumble.
Once we were done there, it was time to hit up Pharmacy again, to get some of prescriptions renewed. He doesn't get his meds mailed to the home, because we have at least one active drug addict in our complex who will steal VA packages when they come, in a quest to obtain pain medications. So we waited while his prescriptions were filled. I noted that the overhead music was from the 80's, which took me back to my pre-teen and teen years. I don't actively listen to 80's music today, so hearing it played was a pleasant surprise. It also speaks volumes as to the "average age" of the veterans receiving medical treatment these days.
With medications and supplies in tow, we started home. As if the freeway traffic wasn't bad enough, which it was, we had the unfortunate timing of hitting a key stoplight en route just in time for both the Northbound and Southbound commuter rails to pass by. (The Coaster goes from Oceanside to San Diego and back again.) We wove our way along the surface streets and finally got home, where we had just enough time to get dinner prepared and consumed in our bellies. Then we were off and running again to our Friday meetings. We both had good ones.
I have taken stock and made my choice: tomorrow I head south for an adventure. More to be revealed...
I resonated with both of those words...the "Waiting," yes, as I/we have several projects still in progress, hopefully with resolutions in the near future, emphasis on hopefully. As for "Still," I feel like I'm frozen in place, waiting for Something Positive and Prosperous To Happen, so I can start moving again. As I've mentioned before, I don't handle Ambiguity very well, so some days end with me ready to climb the walls and walk across the ceiling!
Once I had identified what was feeling out of sorts, though, I did feel better.
We revisited the VA today, as Himself had a follow up appointment with his dietician. She praised him for recording his meals in a food journal of sorts on his phone; now his challenges are 1) measuring out his portions to establish Portion Control parameters, and 2) being more aware of his late night eating habits, which is where he tends to stumble.
Once we were done there, it was time to hit up Pharmacy again, to get some of prescriptions renewed. He doesn't get his meds mailed to the home, because we have at least one active drug addict in our complex who will steal VA packages when they come, in a quest to obtain pain medications. So we waited while his prescriptions were filled. I noted that the overhead music was from the 80's, which took me back to my pre-teen and teen years. I don't actively listen to 80's music today, so hearing it played was a pleasant surprise. It also speaks volumes as to the "average age" of the veterans receiving medical treatment these days.
With medications and supplies in tow, we started home. As if the freeway traffic wasn't bad enough, which it was, we had the unfortunate timing of hitting a key stoplight en route just in time for both the Northbound and Southbound commuter rails to pass by. (The Coaster goes from Oceanside to San Diego and back again.) We wove our way along the surface streets and finally got home, where we had just enough time to get dinner prepared and consumed in our bellies. Then we were off and running again to our Friday meetings. We both had good ones.
I have taken stock and made my choice: tomorrow I head south for an adventure. More to be revealed...
Friday, April 5, 2019
Day 182: on reaching the halfway point in blogging
Well, friends, I've been at this for six whole months and not yet missed a day! Considering the craziness that has been my life over these past six months, that's something I can take a bit of pride in. :)
I was hoping this consistency would spill over to other parts of my life. In that, the result has been Not Yet. Projects that I've started had petered out, but I have gotten quite a bit done if I look at the number of things that I have started, even if I have piled a lot of Incomplete/In Progress things on my plate.
Part of it is the presence of my Depression - even if it's not active in the foreground, it waits poised in the background, ready to come in and take over all of my thoughts, and encourage me to sleep and sleep some more, and eat All The Things, no matter how fatty or sugary they might be. Depression thinks it's safer for me to stuff my anger down and "implode" rather than project it out and "explode" in fiery rage that might burn a lot before the flames go out.
It's easy to be angry when I'm tired and really needing some significant Respite Time. It's easy to be angry when processes that should be easy turn out to have unexpected twists and turns, and take forever to complete, and might not even bring the desired outcome. It's easy to be angry when this thing called "Caregiving" threatens to drown me and wipe out every single dream and desire that I have, along with every dollar and cent in my bank account, especially when I'm the only child and I don't have any siblings to help me, voluntarily or otherwise.
The most sobering thing is realizing that nearly HALF of all caregivers die before their loved ones do, because the stress and anger become too much to handle. This is why I need to take the more challenging route, and turn that anger into Something Else, and do as much as I can, as soon as I can.
Halfway through this daily blog documenting my Odyssey, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, and it's not a freight train coming at me. I have gotten this far on this part of the journey, and every step I take brings me closer to the Payoff, literally. I see myself in a completely different place by the time this year of blogging ends, and Believing that This Will Come to Pass keeps me going. It has to, right now.
It was a decent day, rain notwithstanding, with cleaning up in the kitchen and laughing at the cats and paying off about half of the electric bill. Himself and I also managed to indulge in our monthly dinner treat at our favorite Vietnamese restaurant. It was good to fill up the belly before heading down to our meetings in San Diego this evening.
The next few days will be played by ear as well. I will see if I can finally bring myself to scratch a few things off of the eternal to-do list. Just for Today, I take one step forward, if nothing else.
I was hoping this consistency would spill over to other parts of my life. In that, the result has been Not Yet. Projects that I've started had petered out, but I have gotten quite a bit done if I look at the number of things that I have started, even if I have piled a lot of Incomplete/In Progress things on my plate.
Part of it is the presence of my Depression - even if it's not active in the foreground, it waits poised in the background, ready to come in and take over all of my thoughts, and encourage me to sleep and sleep some more, and eat All The Things, no matter how fatty or sugary they might be. Depression thinks it's safer for me to stuff my anger down and "implode" rather than project it out and "explode" in fiery rage that might burn a lot before the flames go out.
It's easy to be angry when I'm tired and really needing some significant Respite Time. It's easy to be angry when processes that should be easy turn out to have unexpected twists and turns, and take forever to complete, and might not even bring the desired outcome. It's easy to be angry when this thing called "Caregiving" threatens to drown me and wipe out every single dream and desire that I have, along with every dollar and cent in my bank account, especially when I'm the only child and I don't have any siblings to help me, voluntarily or otherwise.
The most sobering thing is realizing that nearly HALF of all caregivers die before their loved ones do, because the stress and anger become too much to handle. This is why I need to take the more challenging route, and turn that anger into Something Else, and do as much as I can, as soon as I can.
Halfway through this daily blog documenting my Odyssey, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, and it's not a freight train coming at me. I have gotten this far on this part of the journey, and every step I take brings me closer to the Payoff, literally. I see myself in a completely different place by the time this year of blogging ends, and Believing that This Will Come to Pass keeps me going. It has to, right now.
It was a decent day, rain notwithstanding, with cleaning up in the kitchen and laughing at the cats and paying off about half of the electric bill. Himself and I also managed to indulge in our monthly dinner treat at our favorite Vietnamese restaurant. It was good to fill up the belly before heading down to our meetings in San Diego this evening.
The next few days will be played by ear as well. I will see if I can finally bring myself to scratch a few things off of the eternal to-do list. Just for Today, I take one step forward, if nothing else.
Sunday, March 3, 2019
Day 149: on crawling foward
I didn't make it to our usual Sunday support group, though Himself did. Between being in the middle of my Moonflow and having a gnarly tension headache, I did the bare minimum today. My usual tea did help dissipate the headache, but I had to wait out the Depression that had also come along to visit. I'm still smarting a bit from all of the drama llamas running around yesterday, and have made up my mind to wait at least until Mercury is no longer retrograde before I even think about returning to Social Media, which will be in early April sometime.
I managed to rouse myself enough today to step out and get some cat food, and I also had Himself get some more yogurt for the Queen Mother. Help is on the way and we should receive all of it in the next few days.
Tomorrow our IHSS social worker will be paying a visit to see how the Queen Mother is doing. As she is still handling the basics of feeding, dressing, and toileting herself, I don't anticipate an increase in hours for her. As long as she still qualifies, that will be just fine. Both Himself and I will see if we can make an effort in tidying up the house a bit before she comes, and there will most likely be a nap afterwards.
I will be okay. There are some months when it's very challenging to keep my head above water while I bleed freely...
I managed to rouse myself enough today to step out and get some cat food, and I also had Himself get some more yogurt for the Queen Mother. Help is on the way and we should receive all of it in the next few days.
Tomorrow our IHSS social worker will be paying a visit to see how the Queen Mother is doing. As she is still handling the basics of feeding, dressing, and toileting herself, I don't anticipate an increase in hours for her. As long as she still qualifies, that will be just fine. Both Himself and I will see if we can make an effort in tidying up the house a bit before she comes, and there will most likely be a nap afterwards.
I will be okay. There are some months when it's very challenging to keep my head above water while I bleed freely...
Thursday, February 21, 2019
Day 139: on surfing the shifting tides
It rained off and on today, nothing torrential, but it was cold and windy and it actually hailed at one point, which might be the closest we get to snow here in SoCal. I posted a minute or so of hail on my Messenger as part of my Daily Story efforts.
My Daily Story experiment isn't going as smoothly as this blog experiment is going. I'm missing days here and there, sometimes because I can't find something "interesting" to photograph or video, sometimes because I'm feeling too melancholy (okay, depressed) to bother. I find it far easier to come to this space and type some words, sometimes a handful, other times a short story, and share what's going on that way.
As the weather outside alternated between clouds with rain and hail, and blue skies with sunshine, the weather within alternated as well. I did some long overdue rearranging of some of the kitchen cupboards, putting miscellaneous eats up on the top shelf, with a promise to return for later organizing, and bringing Himself's meds down to the bottom shelf, so I wouldn't have to paw around blindly for medications, and/or grab our small stool from the bedroom and use it to stand on while I looked for the next bottle of whatever medication had run out. That I'm proud of.
On the other hand, our trip over to Albertsons, thanks to the gift card we won at last week's union meeting, didn't feel so smooth. Between what seemed like an interminable wait for Himself's clothes to dry, heading out into the cold and damp, not finding the kind of chicken we wanted (and having to find a frozen equivalent), and having to put something back because it went over the total of the gift card, I was feeling pretty Heavy and hangry by the time we returned home. The hangry I took care of with dinner; the Heavy needed some Quiet Alone Time, with my Himalayan salt candle alight, and a bit of a nocturnal nap. I needed to acknowledge a streak of Shame that I felt when I had to put back the bag of tortilla chips I wanted to buy.
It would not surprise me if I had developed some Seasonal Affective Doldrums along with my Depression, as I seem to be struggling more to keep an even keel in cold Winter-style weather than I do in warm Summer weather. I might get that evaluated at some point, once I have the wherewithal to do so.
The silver lining to all of is that my timesheet was approved, and I will be getting my pay for the first part of February within the next few days. I also realized today that we're almost finished with this month, which makes it two that we've made it through. I'm getting closer to the summit of this mountain, even if I can't see it quite yet.
The foot of the bed will be getting its makeover tomorrow. After that, perhaps the Queen Mother's closet. We shall see...
My Daily Story experiment isn't going as smoothly as this blog experiment is going. I'm missing days here and there, sometimes because I can't find something "interesting" to photograph or video, sometimes because I'm feeling too melancholy (okay, depressed) to bother. I find it far easier to come to this space and type some words, sometimes a handful, other times a short story, and share what's going on that way.
As the weather outside alternated between clouds with rain and hail, and blue skies with sunshine, the weather within alternated as well. I did some long overdue rearranging of some of the kitchen cupboards, putting miscellaneous eats up on the top shelf, with a promise to return for later organizing, and bringing Himself's meds down to the bottom shelf, so I wouldn't have to paw around blindly for medications, and/or grab our small stool from the bedroom and use it to stand on while I looked for the next bottle of whatever medication had run out. That I'm proud of.
On the other hand, our trip over to Albertsons, thanks to the gift card we won at last week's union meeting, didn't feel so smooth. Between what seemed like an interminable wait for Himself's clothes to dry, heading out into the cold and damp, not finding the kind of chicken we wanted (and having to find a frozen equivalent), and having to put something back because it went over the total of the gift card, I was feeling pretty Heavy and hangry by the time we returned home. The hangry I took care of with dinner; the Heavy needed some Quiet Alone Time, with my Himalayan salt candle alight, and a bit of a nocturnal nap. I needed to acknowledge a streak of Shame that I felt when I had to put back the bag of tortilla chips I wanted to buy.
It would not surprise me if I had developed some Seasonal Affective Doldrums along with my Depression, as I seem to be struggling more to keep an even keel in cold Winter-style weather than I do in warm Summer weather. I might get that evaluated at some point, once I have the wherewithal to do so.
The silver lining to all of is that my timesheet was approved, and I will be getting my pay for the first part of February within the next few days. I also realized today that we're almost finished with this month, which makes it two that we've made it through. I'm getting closer to the summit of this mountain, even if I can't see it quite yet.
The foot of the bed will be getting its makeover tomorrow. After that, perhaps the Queen Mother's closet. We shall see...
Monday, February 18, 2019
Day 136: on a bit of huswifery
I have three of the five days this week without any appointments or events to worry about, so I started in on some much needed huswifery, as the Bard would say..
First up was the end table by our bed, which had a hodgepodge of items sprawled all over it. I took everything off of it, recycled various bits of paper, put things away, and found a pen holder for most of the half-dozen pens and highlighters that I seem to use on a regular basis. Later, I picked up trash around the end table, then removed the bottom drawer (it's more a mini dresser than an actual end table, in truth) and grabbed the things that had either slid under the front of it, or fell behind it. It now occurs to me that I could go through the actual drawers at some point and do even more decluttering. Perhaps I will come back to it in a day or two...
The other thing I managed to accomplish was in the kitchen, where I loaded the dishwasher and cleared out the recycling. Horribly boring stuff, I know - but when one has been in the grip of Depression, as I have, completing even the most basic and routine tasks feel like small victories. Once the Queen Mother has her ice cream tonight, I will finish loading the dishwasher and start it up.
Speaking of Depression, it knocked on the door tonight. We had an unexpected downpour just after sunset, and between that and a small disagreement between Himself and the Queen Mother, my mood found a rabbit hole to jump down. The last thing I want to do is to act as a referee between my mother and my husband! Pippa came in for some cuddles, fortunately, so I was able to pull my mood out of the rabbit hole and chase my Depression off, for this evening.
I still have some tidying up to do, so I shall see how much I can get done over the next couple of days...
Monday, December 24, 2018
Day 80: on the "uninvited guest"
Depression came for a visit today. :p
My back was acting up a bit - the result of an ill-timed sneeze or two - and the Queen Mother was complaining about some of the yogurt we got from the pantry specifically for her. I never got my usual morning routine in, and taking a shower did not help my back (though I did get my hair washed). I managed to submit the other timesheet for November, but with the IHSS people doing their year-end processing, it might be the New Year before I get any money in the bank account. I was also expecting a fax that failed to arrive today.
So Depression stopped by, to say hello to the Comparison Monster. For much of the day I didn't feel Enough...I didn't do enough to get money in a timely fashion; we don't have enough food to make it however long we need to before we get more money (which is not true, BTW); we don't have enough "Quality Food" and we have to subsist on "scraps." Oh yes - we don't have enough Holiday Spirit and Christmas is doomed to fail! This last one arises when I listen to the Comparison Monster as we look at everyone's cheery Christmas posts on social media. The irony: I haven't celebrated Christmas for years. My big holiday is Yuletide at the Winter Solstice. I did manage to miss most of the celebrations this year, between my unexpected Moonflow and my wonky back.
The gloom has lifted a bit, after dinner and a nap, and the unexpected treat of some Reeses peanut butter cups from the Queen Mother, who got them from her bestie. The cats have provided some solace as well. Strangely enough, they seems to be content with food in their bellies, a roof over their heads, and nice bags to lie upon when they get tired of sharing bedspace with mom and grandma. I could stand to take a lesson from them!
I suspect I'll feel better tomorrow. I just feel a little run down and drained tonight. Bah Humbug, and all of that, ya know.
My back was acting up a bit - the result of an ill-timed sneeze or two - and the Queen Mother was complaining about some of the yogurt we got from the pantry specifically for her. I never got my usual morning routine in, and taking a shower did not help my back (though I did get my hair washed). I managed to submit the other timesheet for November, but with the IHSS people doing their year-end processing, it might be the New Year before I get any money in the bank account. I was also expecting a fax that failed to arrive today.
So Depression stopped by, to say hello to the Comparison Monster. For much of the day I didn't feel Enough...I didn't do enough to get money in a timely fashion; we don't have enough food to make it however long we need to before we get more money (which is not true, BTW); we don't have enough "Quality Food" and we have to subsist on "scraps." Oh yes - we don't have enough Holiday Spirit and Christmas is doomed to fail! This last one arises when I listen to the Comparison Monster as we look at everyone's cheery Christmas posts on social media. The irony: I haven't celebrated Christmas for years. My big holiday is Yuletide at the Winter Solstice. I did manage to miss most of the celebrations this year, between my unexpected Moonflow and my wonky back.
The gloom has lifted a bit, after dinner and a nap, and the unexpected treat of some Reeses peanut butter cups from the Queen Mother, who got them from her bestie. The cats have provided some solace as well. Strangely enough, they seems to be content with food in their bellies, a roof over their heads, and nice bags to lie upon when they get tired of sharing bedspace with mom and grandma. I could stand to take a lesson from them!
I suspect I'll feel better tomorrow. I just feel a little run down and drained tonight. Bah Humbug, and all of that, ya know.
Tuesday, November 27, 2018
Day 53: on moving forward, sometimes slowly
As I mentioned yesterday, this week is fairly clear of appointments, so I've been taking advantage of the slower pace. Yesterday I tackled the kitchen and restored some much needed order. Today I got together the recycling and took it out, along with the trash in the bathrooms. This might not sound like much, until I share that for the last six months of last year (and the first few months of this year), I was in such a deep depression that just feeding myself, or taking a shower, on top of taking care of the Queen Mother, was a supreme achievement. Though my finances don't appear to be improving anytime soon - a significant trigger for my depression - I seem to be able to hold my head above water a lot better than I was this time last year.
The moments of huswifery help to break up the insanity of the phone calls I've been making for the past two days. Trying to get anywhere in an entrenched bureaucracy immediately after a holiday weekend is a hard slog. I have gotten mom's Medi-Cal appeal into the system, so that's good. (They say we should be scheduled for a hearing sometime within the next 30 days.) I haven't yet found any additional health programs I can enroll her in, so that's not so good. There are a few other options I need to investigate, but the goal of lowering her base income is not looking like it will be met at the moment.
I have a caregiver support group to attend tomorrow, which always helps to improve my state of mind. I also intend to do a chore or two - maybe get the trash out, maybe mop the kitchen floor - along with plugging away on the phone calls. I hope to be able to turn in the paperwork for the Queen Mother's Medi-Cal re-evaluation by the end of the week. With any luck, slow-but-steady will win the race.
That's enough out of me for the moment. Now to unplug my mind and Not Think for the rest of the evening.
Friday, November 16, 2018
Day 42: on breaking the circuit
Somewhere between coming home from a quick grocery run and accompanying Himself down to the VA for his latest Physical Therapy appointment, the circuit of Depression was broken, and I began to feel better. The explanation I could provide is a bit long and rather esoteric, so I will save it for those who are most interested. Suffice to say that there was enough of a Cosmic Shift that allowed me to breathe deeply again, and that lifted a heavy weight off of my shoulders. :)
One thing I realized/remembered with all of this: I don't handle Ambiguity very well. I like to know What is going to happen, When and Where it shall happen, and if applicable, How it's going to happen. I don't like vague "someday" answers, especially when I have a need for promises to be fulfilled Sooner rather than Later. Combine Ambiguity with some of the stress I have been feeling recently, and I am one very unhappy camper.
For the record, Himself isn't a big fan of Ambiguity either. He did his best to comfort me at the start of the week; now the pendulum swings in my direction, and I have been comforting him. Even if we can't see all of the details at this moment, we reassure each other - we'll get through this rough patch too.
I am grateful that this round of Depression has dissolved; I would be naive to believe it will never return. It always does, but perhaps next time, I will be a bit better prepared to handle it and work my way through it. Perhaps. Another thing I have noticed: Depression has been really good at wiping my memory clean of tools and techniques to combat it, leading me to forget everything Spiritual and Positive until my mind can successfully reboot itself. Though I've been able to reboot more quickly now than I could even a year ago, I still find myself having to Ride Out the Storm once Depression anchors in.
Now tha I am clear of this latest episode, I can return to Practicing Good Form, as my karate teacher used to say, and return to being Productive. There are tasks yet ahead that need my attention, and puzzles to solve...
One thing I realized/remembered with all of this: I don't handle Ambiguity very well. I like to know What is going to happen, When and Where it shall happen, and if applicable, How it's going to happen. I don't like vague "someday" answers, especially when I have a need for promises to be fulfilled Sooner rather than Later. Combine Ambiguity with some of the stress I have been feeling recently, and I am one very unhappy camper.
For the record, Himself isn't a big fan of Ambiguity either. He did his best to comfort me at the start of the week; now the pendulum swings in my direction, and I have been comforting him. Even if we can't see all of the details at this moment, we reassure each other - we'll get through this rough patch too.
I am grateful that this round of Depression has dissolved; I would be naive to believe it will never return. It always does, but perhaps next time, I will be a bit better prepared to handle it and work my way through it. Perhaps. Another thing I have noticed: Depression has been really good at wiping my memory clean of tools and techniques to combat it, leading me to forget everything Spiritual and Positive until my mind can successfully reboot itself. Though I've been able to reboot more quickly now than I could even a year ago, I still find myself having to Ride Out the Storm once Depression anchors in.
Now tha I am clear of this latest episode, I can return to Practicing Good Form, as my karate teacher used to say, and return to being Productive. There are tasks yet ahead that need my attention, and puzzles to solve...
Wednesday, October 31, 2018
Day 26: on putting myself back together
It would be safe to say the day did not go as planned.
After my Morning Pages, but before breakfast, I checked my bank app to make sure some money Himself had deposited into my account had indeed arrived. Well, it had, but not before a check had bounced, one which I thought would go through today instead of yesterday, since I had not seen it Pending. But the cashing of the check had been attempted, it had failed, and "once again" I was dinged with an NSF fee. Sure, I can cover the check, but "once again," there are also other bills due, and "once again," I'm going to be all but broke before a week has passed. I could feel myself sliding down into Depression - but I chose to push forward.
I took a shower and got myself dressed. I advised Himself that I was ready to head out, and off we went. As we were getting ready to leave the main interstate highway for the state highway, Himself had to slam on the brakes because traffic ahead of us was coming to abrupt standstill; we later saw that a bus and a car had pulled to the side of the overpass connecting the two freeeways, and CHP was there as well.
Here's the thing: we didn't get into an accident, but I was looking down at the time; though we stopped, I felf myself moving forward, and all but saw/felt the airbag deploy. Here's the other thing: this was our second Near Miss in as many weeks.
So when we stopped at a Starbucks halfway between home and Questhaven, I was totally dialed in to Flight Mode, and I could NOT go forward in the day anymore. When I tried to talk myself out of it, I went into a full-blown Panic Attack instead.
I absolutely Do NOT break down and cry hysterically in public, unless I'm in the car. Inside the Starbucks, though, I came very close to losing it completely. At least I had the presence of mind to recognize my distress as a Panic Attack - maybe the second (or third?) time in my life I've experienced one. So we sat quietly for a time, Himself and I, attending to our respective beverages, until I had composed myself enough to walk out the door again.
Sometimes you push through. Sometimes you fall back. Sometimes you can figure out a compromise, and that's what I did...before we returned to the normal routines of the day, we paid a quick visit to Kit Carson Park, and the duck pond that I love so much. We managed a half an hour there in total. Today, an egret was paying a visit to the pond, viz:
Even though this wasn't the Big Outing in Nature I had promised myself, this small slice proved enough to soothe my jarred spirits for today. I have also rescheduled my Big Outing for next Wednesday, when the timing feels equally fortuitous, if not a bit more so. :)
I finished my business in the outside world with a bit of grocery shopping, grabbing some food & necessities while we had the cash to do so. I even treated myself to some cucumber sushi and seaweed salad for a late lunch. I have since eaten dinner and will soon be coloring one of my mandalas, gentle music playing via Pandora, and Pippa by my side. Thus I finish the process of Putting Myself Back Together, for today.
I am grateful for the flexibility to change my plans when the need arises. I am grateful we're okay and the car is okay. I am grateful for black tea with lemonade and healthy tasty things. I am grateful for the presence of the duck pond so close to home. I am grateful that tomorrow is a new day. I count my Blessings, and I am complete.
Friday, October 26, 2018
Day 21: on what i did "instead"
If our original plans had not been altered, I would have posted this today from a hotel in Phoenix, AZ. Since they were altered, though, I had a few things I did "instead"...
I tackled the kitchen and loaded the dishwasher. The kitchen is one of the places in the home where things can get nasty very quickly if one doesn't stay on top of things: food is prepared, so there is packaging to be thrown away or reecycled; dishes are used and need to be washed, or at the very least, rinsed off. Unfortunately, in the grip of Depression, this is the one area where I can plan on getting everything cleared up "tomorrow" - and many tomorrows become yesterdays, and still no action is taken. Today I made headway and brought a measure of Order to the continuous Chaos the kitchen often is.
I went on a merry goose chase around town to find the one specific type of Citracal that the Queen Mother will happily take. Walmart didn't have it, nor Walgreens, nor CVS. Rite Aid is the one place that had the yogurt-like, berry flavored chewable "pearls," so after 45 minutes, I was finally able to come home triumphant, and very hangry.
Himself and I went to our special meetings tonight, where I was greeted with surprise and a little concern at my meeting. There I was able to share my story and commiserate with one of my tribes, and feel better once the meeting was over. Somehow that led to some good, open sharing between Himself and myself on the way home, so I'm grateful for that. :)
With any luck, tomorrow I will be able to salvage some of the fun and Zen energy I was planning on diving into over the weekend. I'll check in tomorrow and let y'all know how succcessful I was.
I tackled the kitchen and loaded the dishwasher. The kitchen is one of the places in the home where things can get nasty very quickly if one doesn't stay on top of things: food is prepared, so there is packaging to be thrown away or reecycled; dishes are used and need to be washed, or at the very least, rinsed off. Unfortunately, in the grip of Depression, this is the one area where I can plan on getting everything cleared up "tomorrow" - and many tomorrows become yesterdays, and still no action is taken. Today I made headway and brought a measure of Order to the continuous Chaos the kitchen often is.
I went on a merry goose chase around town to find the one specific type of Citracal that the Queen Mother will happily take. Walmart didn't have it, nor Walgreens, nor CVS. Rite Aid is the one place that had the yogurt-like, berry flavored chewable "pearls," so after 45 minutes, I was finally able to come home triumphant, and very hangry.
Himself and I went to our special meetings tonight, where I was greeted with surprise and a little concern at my meeting. There I was able to share my story and commiserate with one of my tribes, and feel better once the meeting was over. Somehow that led to some good, open sharing between Himself and myself on the way home, so I'm grateful for that. :)
With any luck, tomorrow I will be able to salvage some of the fun and Zen energy I was planning on diving into over the weekend. I'll check in tomorrow and let y'all know how succcessful I was.
Wednesday, October 17, 2018
Day 12: on the magic of momentum
The ease and grace that began to flow yesterday continued today. :)
Practically, I made some more headway in cleaning up the master bedroom. I had a modest pile of clothes in one corner. They had been tagged originally for Giveaway, but then I got the idea in my head that perhaps I could sell my clothes for some much needed cash. Well, the first time I tried to sell clothes was the last time; I don't think I got more than $5 combined from the two places we visited. Then I got the idea to rent a booth at a swap meet and sell the fruits of my decluttering efforts there. That got swept away shortly after Himself's cancer diagnosis, and the subsequent onset of my Depression saw me not doing anything in the way of decluttering or offloading, and the planned castoffs just kept piling up.
Today I picked those clothes up, shook them clear, and placed them neatly in bags. My lesson has been learned: for me, Giveaway is the Only Way. Neither Himself nor I have the bandwidth to secure a place at the swap meet - and the horror stories I hear about selling stuff online far outweigh the success stories. Giveaway is SO much easier for me/us all the way around! At any rate, between decluttering and taking out trash + recycling, I feel like I got a fair amount done today, with more to come tomorrow.
Later in the day, I went with Himself to his follow-up appointment with the "civilian" neurologist (one he found outside the VA) to discuss the results of the CT scan he had 10 days ago. You see, he was rear-ended while driving on the I-5 freeway this past July (on the first day of Comi-Con, so traffic was more horrendous than usual!), and got whiplash. Then he began to have nearly nonstop migrane headches. I had an offer from my chiropractor for a free exam; between that and the coverage provided by our car insurance, he started going for treatment. He's now getting all of the bills together (that have been incurred from the accident), and he will be submitting everything to the other driver's insurance company soon for a settlement. For a car accident claim, things have been moving rather fast, and I am hoping for a swift resolution.
Following the neurology appointment, we were advised that the hard copy of the records would be available in a couple of days. Friday is a full appointment day, and as I looked at the calendar, I could feel myself starting to feel a bit anxious. This time, however, I was able to stop, take a deep breath, and bring myself back to the present. "There's no use in borrowing from Tomorrow's problems for Today," I told myself. There's another mantra in that; let me put it in the back of my mind and let it percolate for a bit. Regardless, I have faith we'll be able to navigate Friday's gauntlet of appointments with ease.
If this is the start of a better personal year, I won't have any complaints. :)
Practically, I made some more headway in cleaning up the master bedroom. I had a modest pile of clothes in one corner. They had been tagged originally for Giveaway, but then I got the idea in my head that perhaps I could sell my clothes for some much needed cash. Well, the first time I tried to sell clothes was the last time; I don't think I got more than $5 combined from the two places we visited. Then I got the idea to rent a booth at a swap meet and sell the fruits of my decluttering efforts there. That got swept away shortly after Himself's cancer diagnosis, and the subsequent onset of my Depression saw me not doing anything in the way of decluttering or offloading, and the planned castoffs just kept piling up.
Today I picked those clothes up, shook them clear, and placed them neatly in bags. My lesson has been learned: for me, Giveaway is the Only Way. Neither Himself nor I have the bandwidth to secure a place at the swap meet - and the horror stories I hear about selling stuff online far outweigh the success stories. Giveaway is SO much easier for me/us all the way around! At any rate, between decluttering and taking out trash + recycling, I feel like I got a fair amount done today, with more to come tomorrow.
Later in the day, I went with Himself to his follow-up appointment with the "civilian" neurologist (one he found outside the VA) to discuss the results of the CT scan he had 10 days ago. You see, he was rear-ended while driving on the I-5 freeway this past July (on the first day of Comi-Con, so traffic was more horrendous than usual!), and got whiplash. Then he began to have nearly nonstop migrane headches. I had an offer from my chiropractor for a free exam; between that and the coverage provided by our car insurance, he started going for treatment. He's now getting all of the bills together (that have been incurred from the accident), and he will be submitting everything to the other driver's insurance company soon for a settlement. For a car accident claim, things have been moving rather fast, and I am hoping for a swift resolution.
Following the neurology appointment, we were advised that the hard copy of the records would be available in a couple of days. Friday is a full appointment day, and as I looked at the calendar, I could feel myself starting to feel a bit anxious. This time, however, I was able to stop, take a deep breath, and bring myself back to the present. "There's no use in borrowing from Tomorrow's problems for Today," I told myself. There's another mantra in that; let me put it in the back of my mind and let it percolate for a bit. Regardless, I have faith we'll be able to navigate Friday's gauntlet of appointments with ease.
If this is the start of a better personal year, I won't have any complaints. :)
Friday, October 12, 2018
Day 7: on making it through a "heavy" day
I knew from the moment I woke up this morning that it was going to be one of the Heavy days, when Life seems to press down so hard and so completely it took great effort to get even a simple task done. This is the form my Depression takes, when Life lacks even a smidge of excitement, and my interior vision is made up solely of shades of gray. The color of the world doesn't seem to stick.
Each time I tried to do something to emerge from the Heavies, I would make a little progress, then slide back down and in. Tidy up in the home and take out the trash? Nope. Radically cut back on my social media intake? Nope. Get out of the house and go with Himself to the VA? Nope. Finally manage to cross a few things off my to-do list? Nope. Have dinner? Nope. Nothing worked long enough to snap me out of my funk.
I had committed to attend a meeting in the evening, but was not feeling it at all on the way down to San Diego, where the meeting was to take place. I'm glad I went, though, for three reasons: 1) I happened to mention to a dear friend that my Depression was getting the better of me. She was not able to come with us this evening, but she did give Himself a care package to give to me, which contained various flavors of tea - which will come in handy in the Winter months to come. 2) I usually leave the meeting much better than I enter it; tonight was, fortunately, no exception. 3) We had an actual thunderstorm in San Diego proper, and the lightning cut through the tension that had resided within me all day. For each of these reasons, I am grateful.
I have a clearer idea of what felt so Heavy today. I'm going to sit with it and journal on it before I share about it, if y'all don't mind...
Each time I tried to do something to emerge from the Heavies, I would make a little progress, then slide back down and in. Tidy up in the home and take out the trash? Nope. Radically cut back on my social media intake? Nope. Get out of the house and go with Himself to the VA? Nope. Finally manage to cross a few things off my to-do list? Nope. Have dinner? Nope. Nothing worked long enough to snap me out of my funk.
I had committed to attend a meeting in the evening, but was not feeling it at all on the way down to San Diego, where the meeting was to take place. I'm glad I went, though, for three reasons: 1) I happened to mention to a dear friend that my Depression was getting the better of me. She was not able to come with us this evening, but she did give Himself a care package to give to me, which contained various flavors of tea - which will come in handy in the Winter months to come. 2) I usually leave the meeting much better than I enter it; tonight was, fortunately, no exception. 3) We had an actual thunderstorm in San Diego proper, and the lightning cut through the tension that had resided within me all day. For each of these reasons, I am grateful.
I have a clearer idea of what felt so Heavy today. I'm going to sit with it and journal on it before I share about it, if y'all don't mind...
Saturday, October 6, 2018
Day 1: an introduction
So I had a blog for many years called "Dancing in the Sky." Over the last two years or so, I had not been updating it very much, if at all. Life threw me a significant curve ball: in 2016, my husband (who I will refer to as "Himself" on the blog) was diagnosed with Colon Cancer. After two surgeries, the doctors determined it was Stage 4 Colon Cancer, which is generally not good. He signed up for an aggressive chemotherapy regimen for six months, which ended in January 2017. He is now In Remission (insert happy face here) and will be officially diagnosed as Cancer Free in about three more years.
I thought I would have a nice long time to recover from that and resume my intended trajectory in life, but no: February 2017 saw my mother (henceforth known as the "Queen Mother") diagnosed with a DVT (deep blood clot) in her left leg. She was put on Xarelto, and it was gone by October 2017. In the meantime, it became rather apparent that her mind was unravelling at a fair clip - forgetting dates and words, having great difficulty with short term memory, and key items like her address, phone number, Social Security number, and so forth. My energy switched from taking care of Himself to taking care of her. Since her initial medical adventure, she's also had a lovely bout of shingles. Add these things on top of her lifelong disability challenges, and more recent rheumatoid arthritis, and you can see that she's become quite the handful...and of course she wants to stay home, Aging In Place, for as long as she possibly can.
Right after Himself's cancer diagnosis, I thought I could take care of them both, AND hold down a full-time job. A total mental and emotional breakdown convinced me otherwise. Now I am the Queen Mother's caregiver, and I keep an eye on Himself, since he also has TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury, from several concussions, some very gnarly) and needs help in remembering stuff. There are times when I truly am taking care of two people, and it has taken a toll: for the last three-ish years, I've been dealing with Situational Depression. Basically, this means that it came on recently, due to my situation (caregiving + no job + financial challenges + my nasty tendency to isolate and solve problems "by myself" + being a total Control Freak. Oh yes, and shall we mention the miscarriage I had in 2015?). Trust me when I tell you, Situational Depression is just as nasty and horrible and pitch-black as any other species of depression out there.
You can see now why I haven't been blogging a whole lot over the past few years.
One of the bright lines that has guided me through the navigation of these Dim waters has been the blogging of Maitri Libellule. Her frank account of her triumphs and tribulations have been an absolute balm in the worst of times, helping me to remember that no, I'm not going batshit crazy, and more, that I'm NOT alone in navigating Dim waters. Last year, she set herself a gentle challenge: to blog every day for an entire year. She recently completed that challenge and invited others to do the same, as she embarks on a new journey. I chose to accept this challenge and blog alongside.
My goal in this challenge is to achieve some Consistency in my life...if I can show up here, each day, and do one blog post each day, for a year, I might get some Stability in my life that I've been lacking. With greater Stability might just come greater Reconnection, to my Motivation/Desire to Do Things (like Housework and Getting Out Into Nature), and/or to a Sense of Purpose in my life (instead of feeling like I'm in limbo and have no bloody clue as to how to emerge from it). In other words, I'm QUITE Done with the "status quo" as it has been to this point, and this just might be the ticket to start changing it.
Here is where I will advise - I will be frank. I will aim for Transparency in my posts. I will use colorful language now and again (I am married to a Sailor, after all!). I may occasionally sound repetitive, especially if I'm dealing with a chronic issue, for I'm going to be chewing on the odd bone until I snap it apart with a solution. I will post this again periodically to refresh the memory.
So if I haven't scared you off, or bored you, or whatever, come along with me on my Grand Odyssey, as I chronicle my next year or so as a Caregiver, and perhaps hit upon other topics along the way. :)
I thought I would have a nice long time to recover from that and resume my intended trajectory in life, but no: February 2017 saw my mother (henceforth known as the "Queen Mother") diagnosed with a DVT (deep blood clot) in her left leg. She was put on Xarelto, and it was gone by October 2017. In the meantime, it became rather apparent that her mind was unravelling at a fair clip - forgetting dates and words, having great difficulty with short term memory, and key items like her address, phone number, Social Security number, and so forth. My energy switched from taking care of Himself to taking care of her. Since her initial medical adventure, she's also had a lovely bout of shingles. Add these things on top of her lifelong disability challenges, and more recent rheumatoid arthritis, and you can see that she's become quite the handful...and of course she wants to stay home, Aging In Place, for as long as she possibly can.
Right after Himself's cancer diagnosis, I thought I could take care of them both, AND hold down a full-time job. A total mental and emotional breakdown convinced me otherwise. Now I am the Queen Mother's caregiver, and I keep an eye on Himself, since he also has TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury, from several concussions, some very gnarly) and needs help in remembering stuff. There are times when I truly am taking care of two people, and it has taken a toll: for the last three-ish years, I've been dealing with Situational Depression. Basically, this means that it came on recently, due to my situation (caregiving + no job + financial challenges + my nasty tendency to isolate and solve problems "by myself" + being a total Control Freak. Oh yes, and shall we mention the miscarriage I had in 2015?). Trust me when I tell you, Situational Depression is just as nasty and horrible and pitch-black as any other species of depression out there.
You can see now why I haven't been blogging a whole lot over the past few years.
One of the bright lines that has guided me through the navigation of these Dim waters has been the blogging of Maitri Libellule. Her frank account of her triumphs and tribulations have been an absolute balm in the worst of times, helping me to remember that no, I'm not going batshit crazy, and more, that I'm NOT alone in navigating Dim waters. Last year, she set herself a gentle challenge: to blog every day for an entire year. She recently completed that challenge and invited others to do the same, as she embarks on a new journey. I chose to accept this challenge and blog alongside.
My goal in this challenge is to achieve some Consistency in my life...if I can show up here, each day, and do one blog post each day, for a year, I might get some Stability in my life that I've been lacking. With greater Stability might just come greater Reconnection, to my Motivation/Desire to Do Things (like Housework and Getting Out Into Nature), and/or to a Sense of Purpose in my life (instead of feeling like I'm in limbo and have no bloody clue as to how to emerge from it). In other words, I'm QUITE Done with the "status quo" as it has been to this point, and this just might be the ticket to start changing it.
Here is where I will advise - I will be frank. I will aim for Transparency in my posts. I will use colorful language now and again (I am married to a Sailor, after all!). I may occasionally sound repetitive, especially if I'm dealing with a chronic issue, for I'm going to be chewing on the odd bone until I snap it apart with a solution. I will post this again periodically to refresh the memory.
So if I haven't scared you off, or bored you, or whatever, come along with me on my Grand Odyssey, as I chronicle my next year or so as a Caregiver, and perhaps hit upon other topics along the way. :)
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