turning tides

So I am sitting here, writing a new blog post and sipping some "Candy Cane Green Tea" from Trader Joes, a gift from a friend. There is a lot of Peppermint in this tea, as my mouth tingles a little after every sip! I am wanting an Evening Teatime as of late, to bookend the Tea and Morning Pages time that seems to help me anchor myself as I start my day. Perhaps it is my version of a digestif; if nothing else, it's definitely much lower in calories than anything I could munch on, and I've done enough of that already in this Odyssey, to my detriment!

Anyway, some better updates:
The Queen Mother seems to be improving incrementally. She is no longer spending half the day in bed, and is sounding more like her usual self. I say that she's not truly decent unless she has something to complain about, and she is picking up about where she left off, which was the day of her doctor's appointments. She is emailing her friends again, so this is also good.

Himself received an update from his personal injury attorney. One of the insurance agencies for one of the other drivers involved in the car accident in 2018 had agreed to what Himself's attorney had asked for, and had cut a check. Now there is the matter of persuading the other insurance agency to follow suit. Even if this agency agrees tomorrow and cuts the check, though, we're still not finished. There is the matter of asking our insurance agency if they would be willing to reduce their reimbursement request for the Med-Pay that Himself received to take care of his various post-accident complaints. Then we circle back once again to your friend and mine, the Veteran's Administration. Apparently they need to be asked if they would be willing to settle for less than their billed amount - which also happens to contain items that had nothing to do with the accident. We might be waiting until the next decade starts for a response, and I'm only half-joking.

Something interesting has been happening to me in the interim. I found a post on Instagram about something called the "30 Day Perfectionism Challenge," which is about breaking out of perfectionist tendencies. I embraced this challenge and have been doing it imperfectly in a big way. I've fallen behind and caught up. I've swapped days around as I've needed to. I have also made videos in response to some of these prompts. In so doing, parts of myself that I thought had been lost during this Odyssey have been found, and I feel like I'm getting back into my groove. I'm not sure what will happen once the challenge is over, but I will see if I can keep the momentum going.

May these tides continue to turn in my favor! :)

updates & picking up some pieces

This was one of those get-banged-up-and-slide-over-the-finish-line-sideways months.

Good news: I got my 24 hours of Respite in. :) I checked into a nearby, but not too near by, hotel on the 12th and stayed overnight, checking out on the 13th. I soaked in their hot tub under the full moon and in the mists as hot water met cold air. They offered a free breakfast, which I took advantage of, and enjoyed an hourlong, uninterrupted breakfast. When I left, I was downright blissy.

Bad news: This last week has been particularly rough, as my lower back seized up (again) and I got a head cold pretty much simultaneously, while still in the Moontime! My back is now good and I am getting over the cold. Today was the first day after several where I didn't feel like I was trying to reach down to touch my diaphragm and hack up a lung. :p

The "WTAF" moment comes courtesy of the County of San Diego: I turned in the 

Queen Mother's paperwork for her Medi-Cal and her CalFresh (food stamps) on the same day. They have since sent me three notices of her Medi-Cal Share of Cost going up, while simultaneously calling to inform me that they don't have her CalFresh form! As she was only getting $16 per month, I realized that I was getting angry over pretty much nothing. As the Cost of Living Adjustments both she and Himself are getting for the next year total more than that, I'm letting this situation go entirely. I am so completely over the bumbling incompetence!

As for the Queen Mother: her bloodwork results came back right after my last post; no surprise they turned out Absolutely Normal. So: no official Dementia diagnosis, and we slog on, with a little more money going forward. She has been complaining about being cold "all the time," and we are having a mild Winter, comparatively speaking. She has also been taking to bed for a post-breakfast "nap," more often than  not, since I had my Respite. Physically, she's slipped a little more downhill, as her body catches up to her mind, which continues to lose words and comprehension by degrees. :(

Himself thinks he will be getting his personal injury settlement from his rear-ender sometime this next month. The current challenge is the hardball the insurance companies for the other involved parties are playing. Negotiations are ongoing. In DC, meanwhile, his Veteran's attorneys are planning to get him classified as "Totally and Permanently Disabled," which comes with its own set of perks. After that is done, they plan to ask after the Carpal Tunnel decision: why did the VA go back to 2015 in its award, and not back to 1993, especially when there is evidence to support the latter date? That is the new million dollar question. There are also some access privileges he will be getting at military exchanges starting tomorrow, so that might be worth exploring.

A funny thing has happened as I have rested my back and coughed through my cold: I find the Heaviness has lifted from my spirit, the Depression has dissolved, and I am feeling some Hope for the first time in a while. It seems to be a bit more than the excitement over starting a new year & new decade. I am finding myself in a similar place to where I was at the end of 1997/start of 1998: very familiar with Shadows in Darkness, and desiring to cultivate a "lighter side" to my personality. In the spirit of Beginning Again, SARK's Living Juicy will be by my side once again as I wend my way through the days of 2020, definitely older, perhaps wiser. Yes, there will be some Ceremony tonight and tomorrow!

I also have some things to look forward to - Star Trek: Picard in a few weeks, and Wonder Woman 1984 next Summer. Both of the preview trailers look Awesome! ...and now you know two of my favorite things. I am a total Next Generation Trekker, and I watched Diana's adventures when she was played by Lynda Carter, way back in the day. I will be catching up with her current iteration on TNT sometime in the next month. ;)

I'm not a huge one for making New Year's Resolutions these days, but one Intention I will declare is to blog a bit more often here. To be honest, there have been times when I have wanted to, these past few weeks, but haven't, because I didn't want to sound like I'm kvetching and whining all of the time. With the clearing of my mind, perhaps I will be able to talk without it turning into a pity party...

Day 320: on another plot twist

While I was with the Queen Mother in Urgent Care yesterday, Himself called me, quite excited. I had to call him back, and of course, my phone promptly died, so I had to wait until we all got back in the car together. It seems the VA threw him a bone, and put some money into his bank account early yesterday. They also finally acknowledged the carpal tunnel in his left hand and upped his service connection.

This is why we could be found today down in San Diego paying our significant bills, you know, for things like property taxes. We also had to mail his DC attorney their share of the money, unfortunately, but for the first time in a long while, I feel like I can take a full deep breath, even in the middle of my Moontime.

The VA administrators hope he will be satisfied with this and quit fighting. There are, however, several issues still to be resolved:

1) They acknowledged the carpal-tunnel, true; but he is Left-Handed, and the carpal tunnel is worse in his Left Hand, but he still has a greater rating in his Right Hand.

2) They gave him back pay to 2015; he has records indicating carpal tunnel in both hands all the way back to 1993. That's 22 years' worth of back pay, folks!

3) With all of the ratings for his various maladies, he should be at 100%, not 90%. He wants the actuarial math to be reviewed. Getting to 100% service connection gives him some additional perks, besides a larger pension - free dental through the VA, forgiveness of his student loans, and the ability to get me insurance. 

Himself talked to his attorney and both are in agreement: this windfall is nice, but it's only a bone. We will be pressing on.

In the meantime, his personal injury attorney is getting together the materials for the demand letter for compensation for the auto accident he was in last July. Once that money comes in, we just might have the last steps in place to make it to the finish line in this part of the Odyssey. 

It's not the post I really wanted to make, but it feels damn good to have bills PAID, and have a little bit left over. :)

Day 319: on a plot twist

The Queen Mother does not want to leave the house unless she absolutely has to. When she came up to me and asked to visit Urgent Care, I knew it was something significant for her. Yes, I was a bit cranky about it at first, but between breakfast and showering, I got over myself, and we got her over to urgent care.

You see, she had developed these red spots on her hands, after developing one her upper arm, and before developing one on the side of her neck. She was examined and pronounced Shingle Free, at least. The official diagnosis was "contact dermatitis," which means her skin didn't like something she had touched. We are thinking perhaps a combination of too much Icy Hot cream (which she spreads liberally upon her one knee that complains all of the time) and a flea bite or two, which means it's time to re-up the flea treatment for the cats.

We got a prescription called in to the pharmacy to be picked up, where the darkly amusing part comes in: if I had picked up the combination anti-itch cream as originally prescribed, her insurance would not have covered it; when I agreed to pick up the two uncombined, separate anti-itch creams, her insurance covered them both. This is Government Logic in action! Go figure...

The Queen Mother is not completely cured this evening, but she is at least well on her way to being itch-free, and the redness has all but disappeared. Looks like we'll be keeping the follow up appointment with her doctor after all, even after I had dropped off the letter she had written explaining why she wasn't going to take her Fosamax. All's Well That Ends Well, as the Bard says.

Busy tomorrow, but I'm not unhappy at all. More to Be Revealed - !

Day 287: on shaking off the eclipse hangover

I started the return journey to myself, three days after the lunar eclipse shook up my second house. I took a deep dive into the Morning Pages, and felt my mind clear out and my attitude lighten up as I wrote. I have taken several deep dives in the Pages as of late; not surprising, as a lot has been on my mind.

We also (finally!) saw some Movement in Himself's cases: the VA Compensation and Pension folks have scheduled an appointment to see him early next week, to evaluate the "non existent" carpal tunnel in his left hand. His personal injury attorney then called with news that he had received a bill from the VA. As soon as Himself looks it over and makes sure they aren't trying to sneak on extra expenses, that case can finally progress as well. 

The movement I managed to do today was the laundry, for the Queen Mother and myself. I have to take everything to the laundromat to dry because, as I've mentioned previously, our dryer gave up the ghost last month. As I sat and waited, I colored some more of the mandala that I started during Himself's doctor's appointments earlier in the week. Whenever small children come in to the laundromat, they are absolutely fascinated to see an adult coloring in a coloring book. ;)

We had to skip our Friday meetings this week as Himself had some pressing business to attend to; even the Cardiac session is "rescheduled" for tomorrow. This is good because I can get back into the exercise saddle and start working out with him again.I didn't want to fall into the pattern of skipping two sessions, then four, then suddenly find myself not going anymore, which would be all too easy to do!

I did some more mandala coloring this evening, then quit. Perhaps I will finish it over the weekend. Other than the Cardiac session, I don't have any plans.

Day 279: on feeling flabbergasted

I end this day flabbergasted and at a bit of a loss for ideas...

The day started with a call from Dr. M's office: the Queen Mother's liver results were abnormal. He wants to do further bloodwork and get the ultrasound done sooner than early August. Checking with Radiology, there was an appointment tomorrow, but it was at the same time as Himself's quarterly CT scan, so that wasn't going to work. I left that situation with them looking either for another "stat" Radiology opening or another place that they can refer us out to. 

On a deep level, I realize I have been waiting for "the other shoe to drop." Himself had his heart attack a couple of months ago, and I've wondered when it would be the Queen Mother's "turn." This might be it. Whatever happens, I'll handle it like I've handled everything else so far.

I made my phone calls but wound up playing a bit of phone tag with them. If I get home too late tomorrow, I'll simply try again on Tuesday. I did reach someone at the Consumer Center, which helps out with Medi-Cal challenges. After explaining my situation, I was informed that it was actually Social Security who needed to certify the Queen Mother as disabled! She might have been certified as a teenager (with all of her surgeries on her legs), but that would have been way back in the late 50's / early 60's. Let's just say I'm not holding my breath in finding any records for her from that long ago! I could still continue with my current plan of gathering key documents, but it's a much longer shot for her to get approved without Social Security's previous seal of approval. 

The other option is to go back and see if I can add any sort of "supplemental" insurance that would basically be equivalent to the Queen Mother's Medicare Part B payment. THAT is what is messing us up: if Social Security deducts it, the Queen Mother is just under the Poverty Line; if the state pays it, she goes back over the Poverty Line by that exact amount.

Although I'm not sure of my next move, I know it would be incredibly foolish to cancel the Medicare Part B membership, because that covers (basically) everything outside the hospital and a few things in the hospital. Beyond that, though, I'm clueless in this moment. 

I know that tomorrow is Himself's turn, as (I mentioned earlier) it's time for his quarterly CT scan, preceding his quarterly Oncology follow up appointment next week. So my plan right now is to take the weekend to have a good think over everything, then take the next indicated step, whatever that might be. 

Nobody said this would be easy, but it would have been nice if I had been given warning about how Challenging this would be! 

Day 269: on passing the buck

Be advised, there is some coarse language in this one.

Himself got a judgment from DC.

The judge did not look at the addendum.

The judge said since the (San Diego VA) Region messed up in the first place, it was on the Region to fix their decision.

The judgment calls for all pertinent medical records to be provided to the region, and to have an "expert" evaluate Himself's condition and say "in his opinion," is this an injury that was sustained during active combat.

How fucking hard is it to admit that y'all made a mistake and man up and correct it?!

Oh right - to correct your error means you would need to pay out MONEY, which you would rather spend on shiny new weapons you probably won't be able to use anyway, and why pay money to a veteran who has a "terminal" diagnosis and will probably die "any day now"!

The level of Patriarchal Bureaucratic Bullshitting here is mind-numbing.

Make no mistake, Himself will continue to fight this, and I will be by his side, even if we wind up going to DC so he can argue his case before the goddamn Supreme Court if necessary! 

In the meantime, we need to do some major scrambling to see if we can get ANY extra help at all, and a Chapter 13 bankruptcy filing may be our only solution.

Needless to say, I crushed it on several of the exercise devices during our workout today. I also chose to load up the dishwasher rather than sit around and feel sorry for myself. 

I'm also glad I started thinking about Acting As If we might not get any money at all at the end of May, so when this blow came, it did not send me into a complete tailspin. 

Still, I'm not happy.

Bloody Hell...or as Himself would say, Shit, Piss, and Corruption!

Day 259: on hope and hunting

The Hope comes from one of the phone calls I managed to make today, to the office of the Queen Mother's doctor. It had been two weeks since I had put in a request to get a letter from them to see if I could get mom onto the Working Disabled program. I had expected a "sorry, no can do" from the office; instead, they were going to remind the doctor to write the letter and let me know when it was done!

The possibility yet exists that I can bring a positive end to this - which would be really nice, since the State of California is no longer paying the Queen Mother's Medicare Part B, and they will be going back to taking it out of her Social Security payment. In theory, this would qualify her for the deluxe version of Medi-Cal, until the state started paying her Part B again. Then her Social Security payment would be over the limit, and she would be booted out. So the Part B would once again be taken out of her monthly payment, ad nauseum. Getting her enrolled in the Working Disabled program would get her out of the revolving door and get her the deluxe version of Medi-Cal without worrying about her income. So, keep your fingers crossed, y'all.

The Hunting part comes from our (too) industrious boy, Inkblot, who seems to be bound and determined to teach his poor starving parents to hunt, or at least provide nutritious meals for them. First he brings home a lizard, which made a beeline for the writing desk and promply hid behind it. Fortunately, I was able to coax it out from hiding with the extendable rod portion of a broken cat toy, and Himself boxed it up. I then took it around the corner, well away from our home, and released it. Save for missing a tail, it appeared to be just fine. 

When we came home from our meetings tonight, we discovered the second critter he had brought in: an adult mourning dove. I went to bag it up, thinking it was dead, but lo - not only was it alive, it could still fly, which it did straight into the bathroom mirror when Himself tried to gather it up! I grabbed an old shoebox, and Himself wrapped it up in a small towel and put it in the box. It is currently safe and secure on top of the dryer in the washer/dryer alcove, which has a door that can be closed. The cats might smell the dove, but they have no idea where it is. The Humane Society is going to stop by to pick it up tomorrow morning. We were planning to get up a bit early anyway to drive down to Scripps La Jolla for a Cardiac Rehab (workout) session.

I found myself a bit more shaken up than I expected I would be, with the dove still alive and injured. I smudged the bathroom with a bit of white sage (after checking to make sure the smoke wouldn't be toxic to the cats; it's not) due to the smell, and started to feel better. Maybe I needed to smudge myself as well!

I was going to say that it was an unremarkable day, critter corraling aside, but that was before I remembered the husky dog that was wandering around on a busy road as we came home from Wal-Mart with a bag full of cat food. Fortunately, two gentlemen in front of us managed to guide the husky out of the way of the traffic. They were calling the number on the dog's collar to see if they could get in touch with its owner. Himself had called the non-emergency police line, and they had gotten in touch with Highway Patrol to send someone out. As the dog was on Eastbound 78, technically he was on a highway. 

Then there was the heavy mist/drizzle in San Diego this evening. It's the Summer Solstice in these parts, and it's basically raining. What der Flerbdy-Flooben?! The skies are scheduled to clear up next week, and we might actually have Summer-like temperatures again. We will see if we have our "July Fry" as usual this year.

Okay, now I'm done. For real. I'm going to help the Queen Mother into bed, then hit the hay myself.

Day 258: on teamwork and timing

The next appointment on the agenda was with the special Cardiac dietician at Scripps La Jolla. Himself had an opportunity to discuss with the dietician the special challenges of having a heart healthy diet while missing much of his colon. The big takeaways were to 1) watch the total saturated fat and sodium, and 2) move dat body.

That's exactly what we did afterwards, when we moved over to the workout part of the center and went through the exercises. They encourage spouses to work out with the Cardiac patients to help keep them motivated - and by the way, reap their own benefits from working out. There were four machines altogether that we used: a recumbent version of an elliptical, a stationary bike, a hand bike (where you use your arms to "pedal" along instead of your legs, and a treadmill. For the record, I walked on the treadmill about half a mile faster than Himself did.

Once Himself had been all checked over and checked out, we went over to the VA Medical Center for a "surprise" trip. Himself needed to pick up some paperwork to fill out in order to be reimbursed for Travel to and from Scripps La Jolla. While we were there, we filled a special blue receptacle with medications that had either expired or were no longer being taken. 

A quick trip to downtown San Diego followed, where Himself had a quick discussion with the attorney handling his personal injury case. We drove to the Embarcadero for a quick pit stop; I took a bit of video of the southern bay and posted it on my Messenger. Then we headed home through the traffic, driving out from under the stubborn marine layer and finding clear blue sky as we headed inland.

Our final pit stop was at Trader Joe's, to grab some of the things we had been unable to get the day before. Since we finally got home about 5:20, there was no way I was going to be able to make the Caregiver Support Group at 5:30, since I hadn't had dinner yet! I wasn't as bummed about it as I had been in the past, most likely because of the endorphins that were still buzzing around in my body from the workout earlier.

The most interesting item of news came this morning from Himself's attorney: his case at the Board of Veteran's Appeals was once more before a judge, and they were expecting a decision to be reached in 1-2 months. I am tempted to let everything slide and wait for money to arrive, but I've made that error before, and I really can't afford to do it again. So while that sounds nice, I won't be holding my breath, and I will be moving forward with my action plan in the meantime. Perhaps, though, that "next" summit isn't so tall after all.

Other than getting some more cat food tomorrow, we don't have a huge agenda during the day. I'm hoping to get a nap in at some point before heading out for our Friday meetings. That would be lovely. :) 

Day 256: on lenses and lightening up

The cats ate very well late last night, and what's more, they kept the food down! I did a happy dance when I woke up this morning, right after I called the vet to cancel their appointments. The fumigation stressed them out more than I thought, so if possible, we're going to hire a cat / house sitter whenever we need to be away for an extended period of time.

The happy dance was tempered a bit because the right lens of my glasses kept popping out of the frame. Relying on one good eye to see the world was marginally better than having one focused eye vs. one blurry eye, which threatened to give me a headache really quick, so I wound up wrapping an old grocery receipt around the frame so I only needed to worry about the one good eye.

To add a bit of spice to the morning, Inkblot brought in a fledgling mourning dove (I believe), which I managed to separate from the cat and put in a safe place to fly off - except it didn't fly off. An hour and a half later, it was still sitting in the same spot. Fortunately, we have a wildlife rescue through the San Diego Humane Society, and there was a vet close by that gladly accepted the fledgling. Hopefully it can be rehabilitated.

I got to the eye doctor after Himself's chiropractic appointment, and the wayward lens was popped back into place and secured. It was nice to be able to see again! Himself dropped me off at home before heading down to San Diego for a Board Meeting of the Club he is a volunteer at, he's the Secretary of said Board.

At that point, I had a choice: veg out or take out the trash, because it was smelling like an open (raw) sewer. I took out the trash, which led to some recycling, which led to some tidying up around the recycling area. It looks like tomorrow will be a good day to recycle the empty plastic bottles of flavored fizzy water that have built up, so we will see if we can pencil that in for tomorrow. (Himself loves his flavored fizzy water; I suppose I should be happy he drinks it as much as he does, or he wouldn't get hydrated at all!)

I also took the time to sit down and look at the set of to-do lists I had made up for each room of the house, along with the two patios we have. They didn't need any updating; they just need doing. Additionally, I sat down and got out of my head and onto paper what "adminstrative" tasks need to be done (and prioritized them), along with what needed to be tackled in the patio, which is equal parts jungle and junkyard. That is going to be tackled piecemeal, as I feel up to it and as weather permits. (I'm not so much concerned about rain as I am about heat, since the hottest months of the year are just around the corner. I may be a Jaguar, but I'm not stupid.)

It wasn't until I had turned that corner today and stopped to look back that I realized just how Heavy my Depression had been. It had really settled in late Sunday night, had been exacerbated by my Monday headache, and didn't really dissipate till this afternoon. The old tape of What's the Use? and Why Bother? had been running through my head. and it wasn't until I chose to get active and take out the trash and recycling that it finally loosened it's grip.

Good thing I worked it out of my system, because we seem to be in a holding pattern in DC: the staff at the Board of Veteran's Appeals is once again getting ready to submit Himself's case to a judge. Apparently they had to Drop Everything and convert about 1500 pages of medical evidence into a suitable PDF after Himself's attorney submitted it as an "addendum."  Why they didn't do this previously, I have no idea. Basically, the mists finally parted - to reveal yet another mountain to climb at the summit of the one we had just finished climbing. We have no firm timetable, though Himself's attorney believes the case will be resolved "in less than a year."

This is why both of us are going to start seeking out sources of financial aid. Himself will cover the Veteran's side of the coin, and I'm going to cover the Disabled Senior side of the coin. Our error in judgment was in Waiting Until the Money Came, and it's now become super apparent that we can no longer wait. We need to take action ourselves, NOW. Hopefully the final action won't be bankruptcy.

Tomorrow will be a full day, between recycling and a trip to the VA Medical Center in La Jolla, with a possible trip to Scripps afterwards. With all of these appointments and errands, I don't think I could actually fit a job into my schedule. This is my full time work now: the job of Caregiver.

Day 241: on a whitewater ride

Stepping back into the normal flow of Life these days...

Yesterday was a good day to finish cleaning up the kitchen. Today was a good day to pay some bills, which I did. We are now current on some things, almost so on others. I was feeling pretty good about the flow until I got today's mail. There was a monkey wrench contained therein: a "love note" from our credit union kindly asking for the past due amount on our Home Equity Line of Credit if we did not want them to consider foreclosing on our condo.

We had opened up this HELOC in 2015 to get our bills under control, ironically enough. It worked until Himself was diagnosed with colon cancer, and the Odyssey began. Even so, the wheels didn't start to wobble too badly until the end of last year/start of this year, when it all started to become Too Much financially, and we had to start making Significant Choices...all because we are (still!) waiting to see how the bureaucratic side of the Veteran's Administration is going to resolve Himself's carpal-tunnel claim (They agreed that he had it in his right hand, but he has it documented in both of his hands - and he is left-handed!).

To my credit, I didn't panic or break down. My first thought, in fact, was along the lines of, Well this is bloody inconvenient, especially since our main focus is on the upcoming fumigation next week. My second thought was to see what we could work out with the credit union; after all, we've worked out solutions for every other obstacle that's crossed our path. The truth is, though, if we don't hear from someone in DC by the end of this month, things are really going to start hurting. I'm saying that I'm saving up my panic till month's end, and am only half-joking in this.

In other news, we made it to City Hall, and the kind staff looked at us cross-eyed when we asked them about Public Records. They don't have them there; perhaps at the County office? I know for sure that office really don't have anything to offer, so I will need to wait to see what the Queen Mother's doctor's office has to say. It is terribly ironic that I can look up the marriage record of my paternal great-grandfather from the start of the 20th Century but cannot seem to find any note about mom becoming officially "disabled" some twenty years ago! 

I am still hoping to get some pruning done tomorrow, even though it looks like both Himself and I are going to be making a few phone calls. The summit of the mountain is so close, yet so far, in the latest glimpse through the mists.

Day 221: on a sudden stop

Himself managed to tackle his to-do list rather well. Me, not so much.

I figured things were going to go off track when I spent my time drinking my Chai Tea Latte, yet reading a long article about Generation-X, of which I'm a part. I did not realize Depression was going to pay a visit today and make moving forward super Heavy. I wound up napping quite a bit.

It's not just one reason I was depressed - I have my short list to rattle off - but my challenge is that I'm too tired to either beat back the stinking thinking, or refute it with Positive opposites. I'm worn out and burning out.

The mists parted from the summit of the mountain, for a brief moment, as Himself got a helpline number for the Board of Veterans Appeals. He called the helpline, and learned that progress on his case has been stalled. Apparently, his case manager at the law firm representing him has changed, so they informed the Board. When this happens, they have to Stop Everything, review the change, then they can Restart the process once the change passes muster. Hopefully this doesn't toss the case to the back of the line entirely, but still...a delay. (LE SIIIIIIIIGH)

Then I wonder why Depression paid a visit. That's me in a nutshell: Stalled.

Round two of appointments is tomorrow, so I will be too busy to throw myself a pity party. Action outside of myself is what I need to snap me out of my funk.

Day 208: on a moodling wednesday

"Moodling" is a concept introduced by Sarah Ben Breathnach, if you're at all familiar with her work. It's a combination of Meandering and Puttering, doing small activities  with no particular agenda. I have been saving my Moodling for Mondays, as the calendar has been open on those days, but as there's an exception to every rule, today was my designated Moodling day. It went okay.

I received a call from the DMV, which I had to put on speaker phone so that the Queen Mother could talk to them, with a little help from me. (They didn't want to speak with me directly; how rude!) Basically, they said their records only went back to 2009, even in Microfilm, as they only keep records for ten years. It doesn't look like they will be of any help to us. 

While a part of me wants to give up, another part is still looking for answers. One option is to swear out an affidavit of my own; another is to get a Doctor's Note to swear that mom has been disabled since before 2004. There may be other options out there; right now, I'm putting out my feelers. (Himself's philosophy of Keep Copies of All Pertinent Records Forever is looking more sensible by the day!) 

Himself and I also took a trip to Fry's Electronics in San Marcos to price video cards. We found a reasonably priced one today that we will attempt to pick up tomorrow, which means our computer might just be up and functional again by the weekend. That will make the Queen Mother very happy.

Tomorrow looks to be a busy day, with appointments to be kept and errrands to be run. Fortunately it's the only really busy day this week, which has been a nice change of pace. We have reached a bit of a plateau, and it feels nice to make progress this way to the summit of the mountain, instead of having to try to scale at a near-vertical incline!

I have a few clothes to put away yet, and the tucking of mom into bed. We'll see if we can actually get up a little earlier than usual to get things done.

Day 203: on rebounding

It turns out Himself's stepmother didn't have our complete mailing address on the first attempt, but had it for the third attempt. We received the letter we've been waiting for, and the enclosed funds will see us through the end of the month. Huzzah.

Before it arrived, I was trying to explain why I had not filed a second appeal in the never-ending bureaucratic Quest, and I found myself edging into a full-blown pity party. I was rearing back to beat myself up yet again for "not following proper protocol in leaving no stone unturned," when it occurred to me: the Average Person would not have foreseen these delays happening. The Average Person would have expected the situation to be resolved by now. Ergo: I'm not actually Superwoman, nor am I Omniscient...I'm just an Average Person! Should I be relieved? ;)

We were able to make our meetings this evening, for we were able to fill up the gas tank. Tomorrow we will be able to buy some things we thought we would have to wait until the beginning of the month to get. Tomorrow I am also going to be mainly switched off, after an early morning conference call. I'm looking forward to the downtime after what has been a more intense than usual week.

We have some breathing room now. Huzzah.

Day 202: on improving further

I had a productive time writing in my Morning Pages. The question I posed was, "What can I do to occupy my mind in this time of Limbo?" The answer seemed at first to be a cliche - Chop Wood, Carry Water - but it spoke to staying more centered in the Present, taking care of my business (trash, recycling, decluttering), and taking care of myself (eating and moving with Intent and Purpose).

This answer might seem obvious, and it is rather obvious in truth, but when Catastrophizing and Apocalyptic Thinking have become second nature, sometimes I need an Obvious Answer to remind me of how best to proceed, and what I need to let go of.

I put my insight into action, taking care of the trash and the recycling. I started in on it yesterday, and will finish it off tomorrow, as I have been letting it slide a little between appointments and bouts of Depression. Himself helped out by running the vacuum. We also aired out the bedroom and the master bathroom; now it no longer stinks of bleach.

We have a few days to go until the end of the month, but I have a few small tricks up my sleeve, so everyone should stay fed and happy until the next month begins, and the monthly pensions arrive.

In the meantime, I have to re-submit my request to the DMV. I received it in the mail today, and the section I thought was an "either/or" is actually a "both/and." So there will be another delay in processing, another delay in getting the Queen Mother off of Income-base Medi-Cal, and another delay in getting my pay. Par for the course at this point! (optional: insert eyeball roll here)

Meanwhile, life goes on, and I will do my best to go with it.

Day 188: on revising...

Himself had an appointment with his "civilian" podiatrist today, then figured that Club Business was going to take up much of the rest of his day, so instead of grabbing a few things at Trader Joe's after his appointment, we went before his appointment, and I stayed home afterwards with the Queen Mother.

So what did I do with my free time?

I walked my own lap around the complex. I took a picture of what I believe is pink jasmine to post on my Daily Story thread. I might do some "Eye Candy" pictures of flowers over the next few days. Just don't ask me what they are, because I have no idea without googling them. I got to our mailbox at the back of the complex and got yesterday's mail just as the postman pulled up in his USPS truck, so all Himself and I had to worry about this evening was getting today's mail. 

I colored some more of my latest mandala, with Lemon Yellow today. It's a very tricky color to see in anything but natural sunlight, so I colored with it while the light in our room was good.

Once I was done, I filled out my renewal papers for Medi-Cal. I had to revise some of the information on it, because it was way out of date. It's all ready to be dropped off at the County office in plenty of time before the deadline.

I watched some television tonight with the Queen Mother. Normally she watches her programs just fine without me, but I suspect she likes it better when she has a Viewing Buddy. Most of the time it's Himself, but occasionally I'll come in and watch something. Tonight I watched SWAT, one of her cop shows, and the main reason I watched it was that it featured an "updated" version of the Symbionese Liberation Army for our heroes to try to outwit. I was alive at that time, though I only needed one hand to count my age on. I have, however, seen the relevant footage from that time when I was actually old enough to understand it, so I knew what they were talking about. I thought the show was well done.

Himself has a VA Medical Center appointment tomorrow, and I will be tagging along to make sure he hits up the Pharmacy for some of his medications. Beyond that, we shall see what happens.

Day 171: on a monday for the compost pile

Well, all of that lovely effort at decompression that I put in over the weekend ultimately went for naught. Today was definitely one of Those Mondays...

We made it back to the DMV, Queen Mother in tow, and learned that the records for a driver don't go back twenty-odd years at the field office. We needed yet another copy of the form we'd filled out initially and send it to Sacramento, with a slightly larger fee, because this would need to be copied from a microfilm entry. I put down the year I needed, explained One More Time why I needed this information, enclosed the fee with the form, and sent it off to Sacramento.

The only good thing about that trip was that it took only an hour in total, and we were able to bring the Queen Mother home in plenty of time for Ellen, as in Ellen DeGeneres' variety/talk show, which is on mid-afternoon here. This is must-see TV for her.

So when I had filled out the form, Himself and I went to the credit union to see if I could stop some automatic payments I had arranged. If I had set them up through  the credit union, yes; BUT since I had set them up with the companies, I would have to call them and request stoppage of said payments. If they tried to force them through anyway, then I could dispute them, and that would be another matter. Okay fine. I needed to make some calls anyway, so I would just fold this into my mission.

By the time we were finished with errands, I was starting to get hangry. I got the Queen Mother's dinner together, then went to make the first of the Important Phone Calls, and a paper that I needed was Nowhere To Be Found. I can safely say that I finally, truly, lost my mind for a short time. I'm happy to report that it came home when I called it, smelling oddly like soy sauce and dragging a bit of toilet paper under one foot. 

I eventually found another piece of paper that had the information I needed, made the phone call, and got my business done (in what probably sounded like as "Don't Mess With Me or I'll Reach Through the Phone and Slap You" tone of voice). Then I chose to set Everything aside and concentrate on having some dinner. By the time I was finished, I was calmer, and my mind was settling back into my head. 

Needless to say, I'm hoping for some Resolution sooner rather than later to all of the dangling situations, so I can get my life onto a more positive and consistent track. In the meantime, I will focus on the rest of the business that needs to be done this week, while giving some serious side-eye to that unrepentant Mercury Retrograde!

Day 167: on things going slightly awry

This was one of those Testing the Patience days...

Inkblot went to the vet and got his sutures removed, BUT the Cone of Shame has to stay on one more day to make sure all of the wounds are sufficiently scabbed over. I will swear to you he knew something was supposed to happen but didn't, as his tail was thumping mightily against the carpet while he was lying down, after we got home. (That means he was right peeved!) He's now asleep on the far end of the dining room table, where all of the paperwork winds up. Go figure.

We paid a visit to an attorney this afternoon to discuss our financial options. Bankruptcy is still a ways off, fortunately, but after considering the advice we were given, I have some more questions, so I will be making a phone call tomorrow to get some clarification. Then I should be able to make some choices come Monday.

Speaking of, I finally got the notification that my timesheet for the first part of the month was approved, after having turned everything in this past Monday. Now I'm praying really hard that the paycheck gets deposited tomorrow! Oy, oy, oy.

On another related note - the paperwork from both the DMV and the Queen Mother's doctor's office arrived today. Guess what? NO mention of being certified disabled from either one of them! Quick rant: how bloody difficult is it to get the piece of paper that says she's eligible for a vehicle placard or license plates, people?! The Queen Mother has suggested that we scour the paperwork that we have here to see if we have such a record, and I will have a hearty laughing scream if we find such paperwork tucked away in a file somewhere here.

If the search turns up nothing over the weekend, then we will all need to head over to the DMV office on Monday, with the disabled plate in question (yes, I kept the plates for sentimental reasons when we had to let her car go, and I'm totally glad that I did!)

This is the time to remember my tools: Breathe Deeply. Prioritize. Take the Next Indicated Step. Act Just For Today, One Day at a Time. All of this, too, shall pass, even if the outcome isn't precisely what I want. It will be what I need.

So. Moving Onward!

Day 159: on the power of fresh air & sunshine

The day didn't start as well as I would have liked - a "technical glitch" prevented me from getting onto Facebook to watch the SCRC livestream that I wanted to see, so I wound up throwing myself a good old fashioned pity party. By the time either Himself or I figured out to call the office to see what was going on, there were only four minutes left to the seminar, which we discovered had been moved to YouTube. Perhaps I will be able to see it in the future. I did wind up having a good therapeutic writing in my Morning Pages, though, some of it in big block letters, and a few choice words for Mercury Retrograde as well. :p

I had to go out in the afternoon anyway, because 1) in all of last week's craziness, I forgot to stop by our property management office to pay this month's HOA fees, and 2) Himself had an appointment with the Pain Clinic at the VA Medical Center. So I went out into the fresh air and sunshine, and my mood began to change. I responded to the Spring weather from a place deep within, and by the time all was said and done, I felt much better. I needed a shot of the outdoors, apparently!

Paying the HOA was easy - in, out, and done. Himself's appointment was more interesting: he was advised that he could be covered by the VA for either acupuncture OR chiropractic, BUT not both at the same time. (Go figure!) So he opted to be covered for chiropractic, and we were advised of a free acupuncture clinic in San Diego, which I could take advantage of as well. We might be doing that in the future. Then we grabbed a bite to eat at the cafeteria while waiting on his prescriptions to be filled; fortunately, there were no surprise expirations or other delays this time around.

We got home about 5pm, but that wasn't as bad as it could have been, because the Queen Mother's stomach was still back on Pacific Standard Time. I set about fixing her dinner once I had changed clothes and fed the cats, who don't care which time modality we're using, as they are "always" hungry. 

After dinner, I worked some more on my current mandala, and the Queen Mother went to bed early, for all the programs were in reruns and she wasn't feeling well. We talked as I helped her before bed; besides her physical discomfort (which I'm keeping an eye on, she also admitted to feeling lonely and depressed. The sooner we can start bringing outside help in, the better!

Tomorrow it's the cat's turn to get his follow up appointment. He's finished with his pain meds and is now just on antibiotics. Hopefully we can get his drainage tube removed this time, and there aren't any other infections lurking in his leg. We shall see...

Day 158: on clearing the "backlog"

I managed to take care of a few things that I wasn't able to take care of last week, with all of the craziness unfolding around me. One of the phone calls I made was to the DMV to see what had happened to the paperwork I requested last month. Would you believe they said they had already sent it out on February 20th? They assured me they would reprint the information today and resend it tomorrow.

I have also sighted the summit of the mountain. Himself managed to reach his VA attorney, who said they were actually going to submit their case in the next two weeks, and that we should have at least a verdict by the end of April. With Mercury in retrograde, we want them to take all the time they need to make sure all of their ducks are in a row. So the summit is a little further up than I thought it would be, but I have an endpoint here as well. Now I need to conjure up some Loaves and Fishes magick on my end, so I can get some bills paid.

I'm still edging out of Survival Mode, and writing around the thoughts and feelings that are arising. More on this as I continue processing.

Inkblot is finally interested in Going Outside, but he is still under "house arrest" until the Cone of Shame is removed. Hopefully the vet will be able to remove his drain on Thursday, which will make him feel better. I brushed him today, as he hasn't been able to groom himself while wearing his cone.

I am still rather Tired, so I think I will sign off here. I will definitely have more to share tomorrow.