getting through

Well, I managed to grab the salad fixings for the Turkey Day potluck dinner last week at the Alano Club, along with what I needed to hunker down through the holiday to get to the other side. I was all ready to brave the rain and the crazy driving with Himself last Thursday, until I was unexpectedly hurtled into Moontime. I still managed to make the salad and sent it off with Himself, and he brought back leftovers for me and the Queen Mother. Most of that day, though was spent flat on my back, in bed, with much napping.

It's not that I'm doubled over in pain when my Moonflow really gets going. Yes, I feel cramps, but they're more intense than actually painful, and that's only for the first day or two. What really stops me in my tracks is the feeling of all of my free energy retreating into my uterus and staying there, from a day or two before I actually start,  until the flow starts to ebb after a couple of days of significant bleeding. Adding to the fun is the dark river of emotions that rises close to the surface, instead of flowing in the depths of my mind. This time around, I was reacquainted with my Anger. Some of my boundaries still felt disregarded and stepped upon, and they were not happy about that. When I was awake, it was a good time for some Shadow Work - mainly in acknowledging that Yes, I was feeling these feelings, and Yes, these feelings are Valid. 

When I need to, and when I'm given enough warning, I can pull myself together sufficiently to go out into the world while in my Moontime. I got the (ahem) "opportunity" to skim along in the Black Friday shopping frenzy because cats need to eat and poop in their litter box, and people need to eat too. I managed to cross just about everything off of our grocery lists, and happily melted back into bed once we got home. It was good to ride the energetic waves to get the shopping done, and it was just as good to leave the waves behind and return to calm smooth waters.

The page has now turned to December, and with the new month came the all-important Blood Draw plus CT Scan for the Queen Mother. We did that earlier today, and it will probably take another day or two for her to recover. Her big challenges are 1) her diminutive stature, and 2) the osteoarthritis in her legs, which all but eliminates any range of motion. Just about all the medical equipment is scaled for folks at least five feet in height, and she's below that threshold by a good half-foot. She was in a great deal of pain when she returned home and was swearing up-down-and-sideways that she wouldn't be doing anything like that Ever Again. She has since napped and eaten, so her attitude has perked up a bit.

These tests will tell us if there is a specific species of Dementia in her brain, or if it's all just aggressive Cognitive Impairment. At the very worst, we will continue to slog along as we have been; at best, we will be able to access resources specific to certain Dementias once we have an official diagnosis in hand. I am looking for an answer, even if there is no obvious answer to be had. I should know the results sometime this week.

We are drying out again and anticipating a bit more rain this week, but not in the quantities that we've had the past two weeks. I'm keeping my shoes and socks handy. ;)

getting ready

Yesterday and today were all about getting some stuff done before the next rainstorm arrives, which they are predicting for sometime tomorrow morning. We are definitely in the Winter Storm track now. Last week was very much a drenching, and this week promises to follow suit. It looks like it's going to be a very soggy Turkey Day, much like last year's was, actually.

Yesterday I managed to get the laundry done. Today I got out the trash and the recycling. The "non-valuable" recycling went into the bins by the corner dumpster, while the valuable recycling went to the local recycling center. Between what we had gathered in the house and what Himself had brought home from the Club, we got enough to fill up the gas tank in the car...very important for the days to come!

Somehow I was "volunteered" to provide a green salad for the potluck celebration that the Alano Club holds every year. (Pausing to throw a little stinkeye at the husband.) Fortunately salads are my gig, so I will be taking my precious $20 and using some of it to grab a few ingredients I need for the salad. I need more lettuce anyway, so there you go. Himself's monthly pension arrives on Friday, so it's not as big a deal as it could have been. I will also be braving the food frenzied crowds tomorrow to pick up a few cans for the cats, as pretty well EVERYTHING will be closed on Thursday. Friday will be our next big grocery run, which will also be a hoot and a half, as we duck and dodge between rabid Black Friday zombie shoppers.

My local cousin and her family will be heading north to Sacramento this year for their annual "Turkey Week" celebration. While I'm a bit bummed that there won't be a family gathering this year for us to attend, I'm also relieved that there's one less event I have to schedule on the calendar. Besides, this also gives me the excuse of scheduling a get-together with family, perhaps before the end of the year, perhaps after. It will depend in part on my mood.

Speaking of, my mood is brightening a bit. I admit to being challenged by a bit of Seasonal Affective Disorder - the cool dark damp is not optimal Jaguar Weather - but I am finding something of a happy medium to navigate these shorter days and longer nights with. Perhaps the fact that my Shadow-Work during this last Mercury Retrograde was particularly informative and insightful has helped. I am looking over my results and drawing up a semi-formal action plan.

It might be akin to washing the car before a rainstorm, but I'm intending on washing my hair tomorrow, so I don't have to worry about washing it on Thursday, when we'll likely be running around like turkeys with our heads cut off. I might, or might not, blog again before month's end. If you are celebrating this week, eat well, but don't overdo it. They're called Leftovers for a reason! ;)

yup, still here ;)

I see it's been about a week, so I thought I would take advantage of the relative
quiet here and check in.

I had planned to write sooner, but I had another a visit from my "bestie," Depression. She stopped by after I had to cancel my planned therapy appointment because I did some math, and realized I needed to get cat food more than I needed to get my head shrunk. Of course, to my Very Little One, that represented yet another Broken Promise that I could not keep for myself.

I was recovering from that when I got waylaid by some sort of sinus issue. Cold or Infection, I'm not sure, but I felt like crap, had to force myself to eat, and spent more time asleep than awake. These are my signs that I'm really and truly sick, and when I added that to my Depression, oh was that loads of fun! Do not wake me until at least 2025, please! I did start feeling better yesterday with the clearing of the brain fog out of my head. Today, however, my lower back began protesting, so I've continued to keep my activity level low key.

It was not hard to stay chill. actually, as the skies opened up this afternoon and the rain came down with a vengeance for Southern California. Hello, Winter Storms of 2019! We're supposed to get more rain tomorrow, then have it taper off on Thursday, leading to seventy-degree temps for the weekend and beyond. I joke that I took a "second shower" when I went out with Himself to grab the yogurt he forgot to get yesterday. I splurged a little and got myself an Eggnog Greek Yogurt. Some folks go crazy for Pumpkin Spice. My holiday turn-on is all things Eggnog (the "unleaded" version, of course.)

Oh yes, we finally got the anticipated authorization for the Queen Mother's CT scan as well. I had the appointment set up for her, but had to cancel it due to the Creeping Crud. If I can play my cards right, I can get her bloodwork done in the same building prior to the CT scan, so I'm going to give that a shot. She seems to have improved physically, but is now having trouble telling time on a regular clock. I have resisted going totally digital, but might not have a choice any longer.

Though the first part of the week was trashed, I'm looking forward to some fun things in the second half of the week. Hopefully I can get myself back into at least a semblance of balance in the next few days, as I have not been a happy camper as of late...

Day 355: on a damp day

Autumn has officially arrived in my part of SoCal. We awoke to cloudy skies and wet ground, as it rained overnight - not much, but enough to give everything a good soaking. It was a good day to move slowly and gently and just focus on what was needful.

Today was a rare double laundry day, as I went first with the washing of clothes, and Himself followed after me. Inkblot wanted to make sure I was properly separating the dark clothes from the light ones and hopped into the washer as I was loading it. I took some video of him in the washer and posted it on Instagram. Afterwards, Himself and I took both loads to the laundromat for drying. Then it was home to prepare dinner and put away a few groceries that we needed to get before tomorrow morning.

With the day opening up tomorrow, I'm not sure what we're going to do. If the Queen Mother is faring a bit better, I will check with Himself to see if he has any ideas.

Day 259: on hope and hunting

The Hope comes from one of the phone calls I managed to make today, to the office of the Queen Mother's doctor. It had been two weeks since I had put in a request to get a letter from them to see if I could get mom onto the Working Disabled program. I had expected a "sorry, no can do" from the office; instead, they were going to remind the doctor to write the letter and let me know when it was done!

The possibility yet exists that I can bring a positive end to this - which would be really nice, since the State of California is no longer paying the Queen Mother's Medicare Part B, and they will be going back to taking it out of her Social Security payment. In theory, this would qualify her for the deluxe version of Medi-Cal, until the state started paying her Part B again. Then her Social Security payment would be over the limit, and she would be booted out. So the Part B would once again be taken out of her monthly payment, ad nauseum. Getting her enrolled in the Working Disabled program would get her out of the revolving door and get her the deluxe version of Medi-Cal without worrying about her income. So, keep your fingers crossed, y'all.

The Hunting part comes from our (too) industrious boy, Inkblot, who seems to be bound and determined to teach his poor starving parents to hunt, or at least provide nutritious meals for them. First he brings home a lizard, which made a beeline for the writing desk and promply hid behind it. Fortunately, I was able to coax it out from hiding with the extendable rod portion of a broken cat toy, and Himself boxed it up. I then took it around the corner, well away from our home, and released it. Save for missing a tail, it appeared to be just fine. 

When we came home from our meetings tonight, we discovered the second critter he had brought in: an adult mourning dove. I went to bag it up, thinking it was dead, but lo - not only was it alive, it could still fly, which it did straight into the bathroom mirror when Himself tried to gather it up! I grabbed an old shoebox, and Himself wrapped it up in a small towel and put it in the box. It is currently safe and secure on top of the dryer in the washer/dryer alcove, which has a door that can be closed. The cats might smell the dove, but they have no idea where it is. The Humane Society is going to stop by to pick it up tomorrow morning. We were planning to get up a bit early anyway to drive down to Scripps La Jolla for a Cardiac Rehab (workout) session.

I found myself a bit more shaken up than I expected I would be, with the dove still alive and injured. I smudged the bathroom with a bit of white sage (after checking to make sure the smoke wouldn't be toxic to the cats; it's not) due to the smell, and started to feel better. Maybe I needed to smudge myself as well!

I was going to say that it was an unremarkable day, critter corraling aside, but that was before I remembered the husky dog that was wandering around on a busy road as we came home from Wal-Mart with a bag full of cat food. Fortunately, two gentlemen in front of us managed to guide the husky out of the way of the traffic. They were calling the number on the dog's collar to see if they could get in touch with its owner. Himself had called the non-emergency police line, and they had gotten in touch with Highway Patrol to send someone out. As the dog was on Eastbound 78, technically he was on a highway. 

Then there was the heavy mist/drizzle in San Diego this evening. It's the Summer Solstice in these parts, and it's basically raining. What der Flerbdy-Flooben?! The skies are scheduled to clear up next week, and we might actually have Summer-like temperatures again. We will see if we have our "July Fry" as usual this year.

Okay, now I'm done. For real. I'm going to help the Queen Mother into bed, then hit the hay myself.

Day 233: on sitting with the feelings

I am beginning to see how Luminous this time has been, being sick in the Moontime. Yesterday and today I have been active in my Morning Pages, tracking my feelings as they have unfolded, one after another, finding points where I could initiate Changes, and then feeling the Resistance to those changes - which basically boils down to, "I don't want to change until the Big Changes have come through, because I don't want to waste precious energy now that I might need later."

I find myself feeling Stuck, yet not entirely willing to Unstick just yet. I find myself Tired on an emotional and spritual level, and wanting to conserve all the energy I can until we finally reach the Summit of the Mountain and receive the good Word: that our Waiting is Over, the Rulings are in our Favor, and we can start the business of Coming Back To Life at last.

My resistance is to moving forward despite the Stuckness, to consider what to do if This is as good as it's going to get, for I refuse to believe this is "It," that the be-all and end-all of my life is to be Broke and Caring for Other People while letting my life slip through my fingers. There MUST be more to it than what is around me now, even if I can't see the Something More just yet.

This is where the lesson of Going Small comes in handy: I remind myself one more time that it's not necessarily about the Huge Activity or the Big Goal, that small bites and mini-goals are just as feasible, if not more so. To paraphrase one of my friends: I know this is Temporary, but I don't know how long this Temporary IS. So if I Go Small, I can find those moments of Respite to carry me along until we reach the Summit. 

I hear the rain falling outside the bedroom door right now. It's been raining on ald off all day today; more, there may be some tomorrow, on Memorial Day itself, something unheard of in SoCal. I did see the forecast clearing up and warming up later in the week, so maybe it will finally start to feel like early Summer instead of early Spring!

My Himalayan Salt candle is lit, and SARK's Glad No Matter What is back by my side. I am using the tools at my disposal to, if not change my attitude, at least loosen it up a little. Tomorrow Himself and I are going to consider our options and see if we can't find a way to have some Fun, something which I could totally use at this point, to lighten up all of this "Serious Business" I've been engaging in.

Day 230: on conserving energy

Officially in the Moontime and slightly under the weather. Himself and I seem to have matching sinus infections. The main difference: whereas I'm moderately congested and have a bit of a scratchy throat, he was irrigating several times a day and sounded like he was trying to cough up a lung, before his antibiotics kicked in. He gets the short end of the stick with sinus issues because his sinuses are very messed up, way more than mine. (Longish story.) However, everyone who told him he was "not contagious" was LYING. 

Played it low key today. Was amused when I finally woke up and my mind yelled, "Everything Is Cancelled!" It is rather challenging to have a minor cold during my Moontime, so I'm following my Inner Diva's advice and taking it easy, playing each day by ear.  

The cats took it easy as well, mainly due to the fact that there was light rain outside in the morning hours. The afternoon saw everything dry out, so they took advantage of the dryer weather to get a little exploring in. Pippa caught something, but I didn't let her into the house with her prize. She came in later, I was told, sans catch, and had a late supper.

Still considering my agenda for tomorrow. Will see how I feel.

Day 228: on a calmer-than-intended day

After shifting a few things around yesterday, the Queen Mother took her shower today. I had a few things to do, but never really got out of first gear, so shelved my plans till tomorrow, which will be a busy day. 

It occurred to me today that I might be entering Menopause, as there are small signs, but no significant flow as of yet. I remain watchful and I wait. Definitely no possibility of pregnancy outside of Immaculate Conception. ;)

It's not that I don't have much to say today, but the words are not coming together quite yet on the page. It has turned out to be a day of Consideration and Contemplation, along with on and off showers. I'm missing my Sunny SoCal weather for sure!

Instead of trying to force the words to come together, I'll leave off here for tonight, and see what comes up tomorrow. 

Day 226: on rainy day activities

The rain was falling when we got up this morning. Needless to say, Inkblot wasn't happy. He started in on his "protest nap" before we left for our Sunday Support Group.

Himself and I arrived at the group at a reasonable time this time, and we managed to hear everyone sharing. I want to tell everyone I meet to write a letter to their Higher Power! I'm not quite as serene as I was on Friday, but I'm still feeling Lighter.

As we finished group, it started raining again, so I quickly reviewed my mental shopping list and determined we could grab groceries tomorrow, so we headed home instead. Wouldn't you know that the rain became just a little heavier the moment we stepped out of the car!

I finally talked myself into doing a bit of cooking for dinner, so I took a can of lentil soup, added some pinto beans and half a can of corn, then added it to some of our rice for another round of my "Iron Stew." I have been advised in the past that I have a tendency towards Iron deficiency, and as I'm expecting to enter my Moontime within the next day or two, I thought I would eat some iron-rich food to bolster my blood.

I find myself returning to my Step-Work these days, and have picked up where I left off. I have my own Recovery Program I am working. I started this particular set of steps in November 2017, then went way off course; the time finally felt right to pick up and continue on.

Tomorrow we have someone coming in to see if indeed we have a dreaded Slab Leak in the house, and what steps need to be taken next. There is also the matter of asking the pest control company that is in charge of the fumigation about their chemicals. So I'll be jumping back in with both feet, but not completely in the deep end. I'm going to remember: Easy Does It. :)

Day 218: on taking a full breath

Today was the first day that I felt I could take that full breath and let go of the Drama of the week that has just past. I took care of the laundry and the dishes, but not the trash; it was a little too damp today to carry things out, due to our May rain. Still, two out of three aren't bad, and there's tomorrow for the removal of the trash.

Himself got a ride back up after his commitment today, so I didn't have to accompany him down to his meeting, but I chose to go. I felt I needed to socialize, for one, and I also took a much needed NAP this afternoon, for two. I got my needed socialization, along with some nice hugs. One can never have too much Vitamin H!

I made an exception to my rule of Unplugging for the weekend, again out of a need for Connection. I balanced it well with my huswifing and my napping.

Himself and I will be attending our Sunday support group tomorrow, and take advantage of a bit more Breathing Room before we launch into two (!) full weeks of appointments. Oh what fun!

Day 216: on giving myself a break

As we had no appointments, nor significant commitments, on the calendar for the next few days, I declared the immediate future to be a time of Resting and Slow Moving. Today my big accomplishment was going through the mail that had build up over the last few days.

Himself's big accomplishment was making some phone calls, mainly to family and close friends. He also took it easy. His energy was up and down throughout the day, but he has improved overall, feeling significantly better than he has felt over these past few days.

The cats were quite pleased to have me at home (for the most part) today, though Himself was happy to accompany me on a couple of errands that I had to run in the afternoon. It has been raining off and on this week - more like a heavy mist much of the time, with the most significant rain forecast for tomorrow and Saturday, so the cats have been inclined to stay inside a bit more than usual for this time of year. (Rain in May is something of a novelty in my neck of the woods.)

While writing in the Morning Pages today, I realized how Overwhelmed I was feeling. Both Himself and I are going to be investigating some avenues that might get us some extra help, because I definitely need it, at least for the short term. In the meantime, our weekly Friday night meetings are coming up, and Himself has a chiropractic appointment tomorrow. I will be going along to clarify if there are any changes that need to be taken into account with Himself's Cardiac Adventure.

The crisis has passed, and now we adjust to the New Normal. I won't get all saccharine and trite after this latest chapter, but I will advise this: Stay On Top of Your Health. That is our biggest and best asset to have as we navigate through Life.

Day 207: on a calm tuesday

The skies were actually just as cloudy today, and it rained a little in the morning. I did, however, sort through the mail that had arrived over the past few days (something I am getting better at), get a bill paid to get us back to current status, help the Queen Mother with her weekly-ish shower, and get the dishes re-sorted and washed in the dishwasher.

There are a few differences between the old dishwasher and the new: more room up top, a little less room down below, with a bigger rack for the silverware. I had to get a bit creative with dish arranging, and will probably have to wash dishes a bit more often, though that's not a bad thing at all.

I also got back on track with my walking and my intermittent fasting today. I am finding that it's becoming easier for me to pick up where I left off, rather than quit entirely and blame myself for not being "consistent" enough in my practices. Perhaps this daily blogging practice is starting to pay off.

I am also receiving another Infusion of Grace: I am Accepting Life, Taking Action, and Not Sweating the Small Stuff (near as much). I'm not entirely sure what the exact dynamic behind this is, but I'm not sneezing on it either!

Laundry day tomorrow, along with some good Moodling. Looking forward to seeing what loose ends I can tie off.

Day 206: on a marvelous monday

It rained off and on today, but that didn't stop me from enjoying a day out with an errand here and a commitment there. An actual April shower - who'da thunk it? ;)

I got a nice bonus today when I found a bigger total in my account than had been there yesterday. Seems my State Tax refund was direct deposited. Now to see when the Federal one might arrive. I was able to pick up a few other things besides chicken for the Queen Mother.

I was totally pleased to find a big jar of mixed nuts on our latest, and hopefully LAST, pantry visit. I have been looking for a healthy snack that I could indulge in on my own, and this will definitely do the trick. 

We would have gone to the peace vigil this evening, but we had a commitment we had made weeks before the insanity unfolded a few days ago. I honored that commitment, and Himself came along in support. Things unfolded rather nicely. We stopped off at the ocean afterwards for a few minutes, inhaling the salty air and doing a bit of stargazing. The skies were busy tonight, as we tracked airplane lights moving toward, and away from, San Diego proper.

We had to make a pit stop at a Hampton Inn. I had booked a stay there when we thought we were going to be fumigated in November, but cancelled it when the fumigation was postponed. We received word over the weekend that the fumigation is back on for mid-June, and I wanted to confirm that they would still accept the cats, and for how much. (Yes and not for much at all.) If the timing works out with the VA settlement money, we could go directly from fumigation into condo renovation, and I have the temporary accomodations worked out.

The skies look to be a bit clearer tomorrow, and it looks like I will have the time to tend to some domestic business. Looking forward to a productive day. :)

Day 182: on reaching the halfway point in blogging

Well, friends, I've been at this for six whole months and not yet missed a day! Considering the craziness that has been my life over these past six months, that's something I can take a bit of pride in. :)

I was hoping this consistency would spill over to other parts of my life. In that, the result has been Not Yet. Projects that I've started had petered out, but I have gotten quite a bit done if I look at the number of things that I have started, even if I have piled a lot of Incomplete/In Progress things on my plate.

Part of it is the presence of my Depression - even if it's not active in the foreground, it waits poised in the background, ready to come in and take over all of my thoughts, and encourage me to sleep and sleep some more, and eat All The Things, no matter how fatty or sugary they might be. Depression thinks it's safer for me to stuff my anger down and "implode" rather than project it out and "explode" in fiery rage that might burn a lot before the flames go out.

It's easy to be angry when I'm tired and really needing some significant Respite Time. It's easy to be angry when processes that should be easy turn out to have unexpected twists and turns, and take forever to complete, and might not even bring the desired outcome. It's easy to be angry when this thing called "Caregiving" threatens to drown me and wipe out every single dream and desire that I have, along with every dollar and cent in my bank account, especially when I'm the only child and I don't have any siblings to help me, voluntarily or otherwise.

The most sobering thing is realizing that nearly HALF of all caregivers die before their loved ones do, because the stress and anger become too much to handle. This is why I need to take the more challenging route, and turn that anger into Something Else, and do as much as I can, as soon as I can.

Halfway through this daily blog documenting my Odyssey, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, and it's not a freight train coming at me. I have gotten this far on this part of the journey, and every step I take brings me closer to the Payoff, literally. I see myself in a completely different place by the time this year of blogging ends, and Believing that This Will Come to Pass keeps me going. It has to, right now.

It was a decent day, rain notwithstanding, with cleaning up in the kitchen and laughing at the cats and paying off about half of the electric bill. Himself and I also managed to indulge in our monthly dinner treat at our favorite Vietnamese restaurant. It was good to fill up the belly before heading down to our meetings in San Diego this evening.

The next few days will be played by ear as well. I will see if I can finally bring myself to scratch a few things off of the eternal to-do list. Just for Today, I take one step forward, if nothing else.

Day 180: on shifting my perspective

While writing in the Morning Pages, a radical idea came up: what if I am exactly where I'm supposed to be, doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing? What if many of those times I have been depressed have actually been instances where some of my Stuck Ego has died and been sloughed off and away? What if my down moments have contained secret gifts that I'm only now opening?

I am certainly a different person now than I was at the start of my Odyssey, and I have yet to sit down and try to quantify these changes. Thinking about my travails in this fashion has settled me down a bit, and I'm not so anxious as I have been.

I managed to get the washing of the sheets (for the Queen Mother and for myself) done today, and we managed to get to Walmart today. Score on both counts.

The evening was interesting: a dinner seminar about retirement at Carver Steakhouse in Rancho Bernardo. The topic piqued Himself's interest, because he's going to need some advice about what to do with his VA back pay when it finally comes. So we have a free appointment tomorrow morning, with no further obligation. I think we'll talk to this dude, one of the Credit Union's investment dudes, and maybe one or two others before we choose who will advise us. Himself was very impressed with Carver's Prime Rib, whereas I batted my eyes, smiled sweetly, and asked for a vegetarian substitution. I was rewarded with a penne pasta dinner with red peppers, asparagus, and broccoli in an alfredo sauce, along with some oh-so-divine garlic bread.

Dessert wasn't offered, but Himself got an idea in his head from an earlier conversation we'd had, and he took me to a Krispy Kreme donut shop. We got half a dozen donuts, three of them being the California equivalent of the "Boston Cream" donut. I had one, he had one, and the Queen Mother had one. We all agreed that they were lovely.

So we will see what happens tomorrow with the consultation, and afterwards. It might or might not rain; it didn't rain during the day today, but it had rained overnight Tuesday night into Wednesday morning. My ears are up and listening for more rain, just in case. April showers - what a concept!

Day 166: on a vernal equinox adventure

On our way to grab groceries today, the skies opened up with rain, and there was thunder and lightning...and a German Shepherd running in and out of the traffic lanes! The poor dog had been spooked and was looking for her person, I guess. She ran right in front of our car, but we were going slow, and were able to stop in time. She came and looked in our windows, like she was looking for a ride.

There was a man in a white pickup truck coming from the opposite direction, and he and Himself were able to corral the dog, in the pouring rain. They discussed strategy for a few moments, as I talked to our police department, who suggested to take the dog to the Humane Society at the northeast part of town. So that's what Himself and I wound up doing.

For the most part, she stayed in the back seat of the car. She did try to come up with us at one point, but I managed to finagle her back. She was panting and shaking nonstop; she shook so hard, the car shook with her. (There's a pic of her in my Messenger Stories.) We made our way through the rain, lightning, and traffic, and made it to the Humane Society, with the help of Google Maps. Himself went in to get a leash, then came back to collect the dog. Most fortunately, she was tagged and microchipped, so she would have a happy reunion with her person at the end of the day.

We made it to Walmart after our little side excursion, and Trader Joe's after that. The rain fortunately let up by the time we made it to Trader Joe's. The car totally smelled like wet dog, as did my jeans, apparently - Inkblot gave them the third degree after we got home. (I would have loved to roll down the windows to air the car out, but it was raining too hard for me to do that.)

Usually, I get tense before a thunderstorm, then ease up as it passes. This time, I found myself holding more tension after we got home. I took a few moments after dinner to ground myself thoroughly. Coloring helped with that as well. Hopefully there will come a day when I'm not so tense all of the time... (le sigh)

There will be more rain tonight and tomorrow, but the thunderstorms were forecast only for today. We'll see if the sky growls again tomorrow. Hopefully it won't, because Inkblot is finally due to get his Cone of Shame removed! He'll be a much happier kitty.

As we say, Never a Dull Moment. It was very interesting: sometimes you feel Providence moving in and through your life, other times, you are the Providence moving through someone else's life. Paying it forward. :)

Day 157: on getting a second wind

I had a nap in the middle of the day today, and I finally feel like I've gotten my second wind, after the craziness of the past week or so.

Inkblot went back to the vet today. His temperature is still good, but he was developing a secondary infection on the back of his leg. The vet lanced and drained it, and left it open. Hopefully it won't need a drain as well; we should know for sure on Thursday. He's more alert with each passing day. Pippa is still not willing to eat beside him at mealtime, but at least she's coming back later to eat. I keep reassuring her that her brother has not been replaced by a Lesser Demon from the Evil Vet's Office. ;)

Once we took care of the cat, we went down the the pantry at Jewish Family Services and stocked up on a few things. Hopefully this will be the last visit we make as recipients, and we can return as donors next time. 

The Queen Mother is "not feeling well" and says she hasn't for the past few days. She says she is experiencing waves of vertigo and some nausea. I will be keeping a closer eye on her this week. Fortunately, there are no appointments tomorrow, so perhaps I can finally Adult a bit more effectively and play some catchup while staying close to home. 

Himself made an appointment for this Wednesday with the pain clinic, so perhaps we will finally get to the bottom of his "Mystery Strain." He's moving better overall, and even resumed driving this evening, but he's not yet a happy camper. I'm visualizing that if something is found, that it's nothing super horrid.

It's raining lightly outside, and this looks like the last bit of rain for a while. Most of California is now out of the drought, at least for now. We shall see what things look like at the end of summer; today, we are grateful.

That's about it from here. Slowly, I regather myself and shift back out of Survival mode... 

Day 152: on tossing plans out the window

As I am learning, through reading and listening to other Caregivers' stories, and through my own experience, sometimes the plans you have for the day get tossed out of the window when a Situation arises. Such was the case today.

Yesterday evening, Himself was complaining of some cramping in his right thigh. We both thought it was simply a matter of dehydration, so he added some electrolytes to his water and we both thought he would be fine in the morning. He wasn't. Standing up was excruciating, sitting down wasn't too much better, and the only real relief he seemed to get was through lying down. So after we pulled ourselves together, off to the ER (at the VA Medical Center in La Jolla) we went, carefully driving through the raindrops.

All told, it was an eight hour visit, which in the grand scheme of things, was not too bad. The good news is that he didn't have a blood clot in his leg; they finally said that  his pain was from a severe muscle strain, though neither one of us has a clue as to how that came about. We returned home with a muscle relaxant and instructions to put heat on the leg as needed.

As I had only snacked on pretzels since breakfast, I was very Hungry when we finally left the hospital. Himself pulled up the nearest Carl's Jr. location on Google Maps and paid for my dinner, so I got a chance to try their new Beyond Star veggie burger. It was pretty tasty. He ate once we got home.

Tomorrow is going to be a day of errands outside the home, rain or shine. The latest forecast calls for more on and off showers through the week, clearer skies for the weekend, then a bit more rain to start the week. Last night we heard the unexpected Boom! of thunder from a lightning strike half a mile away, and some more distant rumblings the rest of the night. Pippa went and hid in our closet, but Inkblot stayed on the bed. We shall have to see if any other thunderstorms come our way over the next few days.

I'm going to wind it up here and see if I can't relax some more this evening. For the moment at least, all is and remains well. :)

Day 151: on easing through the narrow canyon

My moods reflected the weather today: where it was sunny-cloudy-sunny-cloudy-rainy-cloudy outside, I moved between calmness, depression, hope, anxiety, and back to serenity, or an iteration thereof, inside. 

I stayed home while Himself went to his acupuncture appointment so the Queen Mother could take her weekly shower. She has chosen Tuesday to be her shower day, for reasons that make sense only to her. I finished up my tea and Morning Pages while I waited for her to get ready. It was a good session in the Pages today, as various disparate thoughts coalesced into something of an enlightening whole. Between the Pages and Passages in Caregiving - which I am moving through slowly, so I can digest all of the Wisdom from the stories that are told in the book - I find that I am slowly detaching myself from the Queen Mother, so my life CAN continue after hers ends, whenever that happens. I haven't even sighted that mountain range yet. 

Himself returned home just as mom finished in the shower, so he "disappeared" into the living room while mom inched her way to the bathroom. I helped her dry off, then applied lotion on her back and legs. Once she was back in her room getting dressed, I showered, had my breakfast, then Himself and I went grocery shopping. It started raining just as we finished up. (Rain is expected to fall off and on for the rest of the week, clear up for the weekend, then start again on Monday.)

Because it was raining, and it was late and getting later, Himself rescheduled his other appointment of the day to Friday. I appreciated the rescheduling very much, as I was beginning to become very anxious about going to the appointment with him. I didn't think there was any way we would be able to get back before 4pm, and perhaps not until even 5pm, due to the evening commute, and for some reason, that was Just Not Tenable, not today!

Through writing in the Pages, I have also seen the difference between Depression then and now: when it came to visit in the past, I just went along for the ride. Now, when it comes to visit, I dip into my toolbox to prevent it from taking the wheel. To thwart my anxiety, I retreated to bed for a few minutes, and said the Serenity Prayer like a mantra in my head, while I slowed and deepened my breathing. I am lighting my Himalayan Salt candle to put some negative ions in the air, similar to sitting on the beach. When I finish with this entry, I will go back to coloring my mandala, in an effort to "turn off" the nervous chatter in my mind.

Last night I challenged myself to come up with ten low or no cost ways to gain some Respite for myself; the exercise stretched into today and I had twenty ways, more than half of them "No-Cost," when I was finally done and satisfied. That is a list I can rely upon as I continue up the mountain.

Right now, in this moment, all is well. I choose to remember that as I ease through the rest of this day and into the next.

Day 148: on the turning of the day

By and large, it has been a good relaxing day. It rained off and on today, and there looks to be more rain coming along in the next week. March isn't coming in like an angry lion, but the lion is soggy and making its presence known. 

Today I've been listening to my body and pacing myself. Yes, I was on a conference call today. Yes, I did a bit of work on the computer. Mainly, though, I have been quietly reading and enjoying the respite.

I chose to jump on Instagram earlier this evening and watch a Live from one of my favorite accounts, and that turned out to be a huge mistake. Yesterday there was an apparent misunderstanding that should have been settled privately, but it was taken public instead, and a molehill was turned into Mount Everest, with followers from both affected accounts getting into screaming arguments from behind their keyboards. The whole thing disgusted and sickened me...I had considered Instagram my Happy Place, relatively free from the drama flung around on Facebook and Twitter, but I guess I wasn't following enough accounts. At any rate, the drama llamas were still stampeding today, and I am officially Over It All.

I'm taking a long breather from ALL of the Social Media outposts, perhaps a permanent one. I simply don't have the bandwidth right now to wade through drama llama stuff, not with my current situation. I don't like what we as a species are becoming under the influence of Social Media - so rigid and inflexible in what we believe is "Right." This is how Inquisitions get off the ground, just saying. The other main takeaway from all of this is: if you want to get people to lose their minds, talk about Money and Pursuing Your Dreams. That's all I'm going to say about that.

I have talked with my cats, and feel calmer now. I will go back to my offline activities, add in a few more, and find a different happy place, one far far away from the Internet, as soon as it stops raining. ;)