Day 151: on easing through the narrow canyon

My moods reflected the weather today: where it was sunny-cloudy-sunny-cloudy-rainy-cloudy outside, I moved between calmness, depression, hope, anxiety, and back to serenity, or an iteration thereof, inside. 

I stayed home while Himself went to his acupuncture appointment so the Queen Mother could take her weekly shower. She has chosen Tuesday to be her shower day, for reasons that make sense only to her. I finished up my tea and Morning Pages while I waited for her to get ready. It was a good session in the Pages today, as various disparate thoughts coalesced into something of an enlightening whole. Between the Pages and Passages in Caregiving - which I am moving through slowly, so I can digest all of the Wisdom from the stories that are told in the book - I find that I am slowly detaching myself from the Queen Mother, so my life CAN continue after hers ends, whenever that happens. I haven't even sighted that mountain range yet. 

Himself returned home just as mom finished in the shower, so he "disappeared" into the living room while mom inched her way to the bathroom. I helped her dry off, then applied lotion on her back and legs. Once she was back in her room getting dressed, I showered, had my breakfast, then Himself and I went grocery shopping. It started raining just as we finished up. (Rain is expected to fall off and on for the rest of the week, clear up for the weekend, then start again on Monday.)

Because it was raining, and it was late and getting later, Himself rescheduled his other appointment of the day to Friday. I appreciated the rescheduling very much, as I was beginning to become very anxious about going to the appointment with him. I didn't think there was any way we would be able to get back before 4pm, and perhaps not until even 5pm, due to the evening commute, and for some reason, that was Just Not Tenable, not today!

Through writing in the Pages, I have also seen the difference between Depression then and now: when it came to visit in the past, I just went along for the ride. Now, when it comes to visit, I dip into my toolbox to prevent it from taking the wheel. To thwart my anxiety, I retreated to bed for a few minutes, and said the Serenity Prayer like a mantra in my head, while I slowed and deepened my breathing. I am lighting my Himalayan Salt candle to put some negative ions in the air, similar to sitting on the beach. When I finish with this entry, I will go back to coloring my mandala, in an effort to "turn off" the nervous chatter in my mind.

Last night I challenged myself to come up with ten low or no cost ways to gain some Respite for myself; the exercise stretched into today and I had twenty ways, more than half of them "No-Cost," when I was finally done and satisfied. That is a list I can rely upon as I continue up the mountain.

Right now, in this moment, all is well. I choose to remember that as I ease through the rest of this day and into the next.