Day 217: on wrapping up the week

Himself and I made some more phone calls today, both of us finding still more resources to investigate further in the coming days. I am also undergoing the process to get my Medi-Cal renewed, so I responded to a request that I found in the mail pile from the start of the week, and dropped off copies of the necessary paperwork today. 

Then Himself and I got into a disagreement as to the time of his chiropractic appointment, so I dropped him off at the chiropractor's office and headed home to get dinner ready for the Queen Mother. It turns out his calendar was the correct one. Good news was that there was no change necessary to the adjustments that he gets, due to his cardiac adventure this week.

Something I need to work on: taking the reins completely and making all of the decisions. Himself's mental faculties are still reasonably intact, and we originally agreed to make choices together As A Team. I need to give him his space and value his input, and not automatically assume that He's Wrong and I'm Right.

Something that is working: since I leaned in to the 16:8 Intermittent Fasting, I am not Emotionally Eating. That was one of my big character defects, and I am happy to say that it has all but vanished. I had some significant opportunities to "eat my emotions," this past week, but I have stayed reasonably healthy, and not resorted to midnight snacking or gone to my big Comfort Foods, namely macaroni and cheese. I have been briefly tempted, but the feelings have passed in time.

Focusing on chores tomorrow: laundry and dishes and trash, oh my! Then I'm going to take advantage of needing to pick up Himself (after his monthly commitment) to get out of the house and do some much needed socializing! Taking care of my needs as well...

Day 23: on "going small"

I try to keep myself moving in a good direction by looking for the lesson in what unfolds before me, a task I usually find easier once I have moved through a rough patch than when I'm trying to slog my way through the middle of it. What has arisen from this vacation debacle is this: I need to stop putting all of my Expectations into ONE event that will "restore" me, and instead focus on creating for myself smaller opportunities during the week to release the dross of Caregiving - and Life in general - and find myself points of equilibrium.

I also need to keep in mind that I am a LOT more Sensitive to the energetic ebbs and flows of the world, both at home and at large, than I might have cared to admit. I need to build in for myself plenty of good downtime without allowing myself to get caught up in the special Inertia that Depression will swallow me whole in. Specifically, I need regular trips Out Into Nature, to listen to birdsong and wind whispering through trees, or the consistent, steady breathing flow of sea water as it eternally moves back and forth over the sand at the continent's edge. Nature is my spiritual tonic, the balm for my soul when Life's edges become a little too cutting.

I opened up the calendar on my phone earlier today and had a look at the near future. This coming Wednesday had nothing scheduled; it looked perfect for walking the labyrinth at one of my favorite retreat spots. The Wednesday after that has a Mindfulness Meditation day scheduled for the evening; why not Deepen the Juciness of that day with a park excursion beforehand? So there are two weekly sojourns taken care of right there, two I can commit to for improving my mental - and spiritual - health.

As for each "normal" day, I have an hour or two in the evenings when the Queen Mother is watching TV and Himself is either watching TV with her or is out taking care of his own business. It would not be difficult at all to put on gentle music and color in a mandala, or do some therapeutic writing, or even (gasp) read an actual book! I used to be a voracious reader, and I still do enjoy reading articles on my smartphone, but it's not the same as picking up a nice old-school BOOK and reading it cover to cover. There's something about the heft of a good-sized book, the smoothness of the paper under your hand, the smell of time and the bookbinding glue, that comforts a bibliophile like me...but I digress.

This feels like a good focus for the next month, this going small. I will report regularly upon my progress, along with the rest of the minutiae that make up this Odyssey.

By the way - we elected to sleep in this morning instead, rather than check off a list of activities. I appreciated the leisurely start to my day today, as I have plenty of opportunities to Rush In and Speed Ahead these days! Truly easing into the day might also be something to practice more often! ;)    

Day 2: on where I put my attention

Let me start this off by saying, I am a writer. I have not been focusing on writing anything for publication lately, but I have been journaling extensively. One of my practices (which I would like to bring a little more consistency to!) is writing Morning Pages during the early part of my day. I found a little gem today that I wanted to bring here...

In today's Pages, I found myself writing about Where I Am Putting My Attention. I realized that as a caregiver, my attention is all too often on the chaos around me: why is the Queen Mother yelling for me? Why is Himself needing me? Oh yes, it's time to feed the cats. Oh Goddess, what are they talking about on the TV now? (This last one is usually my signal to go into my room and play soothing music on Pandora.) I find myself putting more of my attention on the Chaos that is surrounding me and less of my attention on my needs, my thoughts, my self-care practices. Then I wonder why I get cranky and resentful.

When I do focus my attention on myself, I often run into what I call "Stinking Thinking" - I'm obsessing about our finances, or why is the Queen Mother being so pissy, or what Himself should have done instead of what he did do, or trying to figure out how to squeeze One More Chore on the to-do list, or obsessing about our finances - you get the idea. Is it any wonder that I need to find a distraction in the Chaos around me?! It takes an effort to shift OUT of Stinking Thinking and IN to considering Self-Care...what would best soothe and recenter me: coloring a mandala? Journaling? A good shake in the shower to get all of the Energetic Gunk out of my system? Going for a walk?

So with this wee reminder that I tend to focus on Chaos first, regardless of whether it's outside or inside, I can use the question, "Where Am I Putting My Attention?" as a prompt to redirect myself from the useless noisy Chaos and find something more Orderly, look in my toolbox of Self-Care, and choose something from that to consider instead. I know I have gotten way out of practice with Self-Care, and I need to get back into regular trips to the well of Self-Care if I'm going to make it through this odyssey.

Here's a small confession: I have forgotten So Much of what I used to do for Self-Care. It's like when I started taking this whole caregiving task seriously, all of my previous learning and research and  Wisdom went completely out the window. It's like my Journey of Spirit was erased in one swift stroke, and I went back to being an "ordinary" woman trying to cope with extraordinary demands, because Cancer and Dementia demand ALL of your attention, and then some! Now I am trying to regather the pieces of myself to see what is still here, what is salvageable, and what I need to toss. I am starting from Square One all over again, with this blog, with my Morning Pages, with a bare bones morning routine, and now with a prompt. Where Am I Putting My Attention now? and now? and oh yes, now?