reaching (more) acceptance

I have a cat asleep on my legs at the moment, so it might take some time to get this particular post typed and published. I am typing mainly by touch at the moment, so although I might not move with lightning speed, I will be pretty accurate. Of all the classes I took in high school, typing has been the most useful by far, certainly more so than trigonometry. ;)

Anyway, tonight I come to the blog filled with more Acceptance than I've known in a very long time. I am accepting that when Himself and I drive down to the airport tomorrow morning, I'm staying behind and driving back home. Not only am I now okay with not going, but I've been considering what I will be able to do without him. As always, the Queen Mother will be my first priority, but I might be able to slip in a wee outing here and there.

A small update: originally we were going to come home on Monday, the 11th. When it became apparent that the excursion was going to be a solo one, Himself looked into flying home on Sunday instead. Today he confirmed that would indeed be the case, so I will be picking him up Sunday evening. This is nice because we'll be able to celebrate Veteran's Day together, if only in a low-key way.

Back to the topic: I accept that the Queen Mother's condition is continuing to decline. Her "Homeward Descent" seems to have plateaued a bit again, but she is still rather worse off than she was before her last "episode" a week ago, physically and mentally. I also accept that I don't know how long this process will take - six more months? six more years? My grandmother lived into her mid-90's, and while we all hope that doesn't happen with the Queen Mother, especially mom herself, there is the possibility that she could live as long as, or even longer than, her mother. I do have a plan coming together the longer this Odyssey goes, though.

I accept that all of my Big Plans - the ones that involve some quantity of money - are all officially On Hold until said money arrives, hopefully sooner than later, sometime next year. I turn back to the idea of Going Small and see what I can create for myself. I have already found myself a hotel room which I will be escaping to (for twenty-four hours) next month. There are places to eat within walking distance, and unless Google Maps is way out of date, there is a Hot Tub waiting for me to soak in at the hotel. Oh Simple Joys! :)

I accept that I need to work a bit more on asking for help, and just as significantly, receiving said help. Here is a place for me to examine my Shadow material and see what can be done.

I accept that, although the writing of the Morning Pages and the Timed Writing exercises are helpful, I could still use a neutral party to hear my vent and suggest things I might not be seeing. I start therapy next Thursday.

That's what I'm currently accepting now. There may be more later, but it looks like I will need to charge up the keyboard first. The cat is still asleep on my legs, too.

the "25 hour" day, and afterwards

I had been looking forward to the Falling Back of the Clocks in their one hour because it meant an extra hour of sleep. The sleep was okay, but what benefit I got out of it vanished as I chased Pippa around the house yesterday morning to try and help her clean her slightly poopy butt! Cat poop is perhaps the most noxious smell in the Universe, and it took everything in me not to hurl as I provided an assisting wipe or two. Pippa handled the rest of the work, though, and all was well, and blessedly non-poopy..

With the changing of the clocks, there is a Changing of the Seasons that one can feel around this time in Southern California. One changes from tank tops and shorts to t-shirts and pants. One smells the woodsmoke coming from the neighbors' fireplaces at night. One throws an extra blanket on the bed. One looks forwards to the warmth in one's morning beverage to help chase the chill away. One stops using the air conditioner and starts using the heater, especially in the early mornings, and doubly especially if one lives with one's mother who complains about being Cold All Of The Time!

On that note: the Queen Mother's body is definitely catching up with her mind now. The "blah feeling" in her body is not going away, and she's not as peppy as she has been. The colder weather is not helping her mood or her bones, I suspect. 

I am continuing my dalliance with Acceptance of my situation. My hidden motivations become more clear with all of the Shadow Work I am doing. I am starting to look forward to what I will be able to do while Himself is away; nothing grand, mind you, but maybe getting out a bit more than usual to enjoy some fresh air! I haven't yet dove into my pile of Real Books, but I am moving into my next Moontime, and I have been feeling the pull inward most significantly. I have to remind my Loved Ones: It's nothing personal, I just want to be left alone with the cats. M'kay. It will be tempting to sleep a lot during the next few days anyway.

Unlike previous weeks, this week is opening up as unscheduled and unfilled. With the Trickle about to become a Flood, I'm in no rush to fill it.  

on, and off, the rollercoaster

Well, that was unintentional. I had planned to blog again last Friday, but Himself and I were delayed in coming home, and then I chatted with a friend for about two hours (because it had been a while and reconnection was long overdue). By the time I got off the phone, it was late, and I was tired. I could have posted after midnight, since the strictures of this blogging process had been eased with the completion of my year long project, but I chose to wait instead, thinking I would post again by Monday at the latest.

Then everything got worse, at least in my headspace.

For me, the trip up to Seattle is not meant to be, not this year. The money is Just Not There for me to go along with Himself; moreover, the only reason he is able to go is because his way has been paid for by the local region! Every time I thought I had hit upon a solution that would work, the solution would dissolve after further inquiry. I have a few very good leads for some help Long-Term, but for right now, all the solutions lie just out of reach. I wound up Imploding, crying off and on (mostly on) through Monday night.

Tuesday was, by and large, a Do Nothing Day. I did help Himself clean up the bathroom a little (though he did most of the heavy work), but for most of the day I felt stuck and numb. Plans had fallen through one time too many, I thought, and I wasn't sure how I would be able to pull myself together once again.

I turned to what I knew best - writing - and took some deep dives, both within my Morning Pages and outside of them in some Timed Writing sessions. As the words came together, so did the Insights. To summarize, I started out questioning why I clung so hard to Expectations, and wound up staring at my Very Little Inner Child sitting atop a pile of Broken Promises, thinking there must be "Something Wrong" with her. It made sense as well: my Depression felt so Heavy not just out of Frustration, but out of Disappointment, that Yet Another Promise had been broken, Yet Again.

This, I can work with. I can meet these images and visions with Healing Ceremonies, speaking the language of Metaphor and Archetype. Once I reached the A-Ha! moment, life began to lighten and clear up again.

In the meantime, I need to back up half a step. Today both Himself and the Queen Mother received their monthly deposits in their respective accounts. Yesterday, we came up a bit short financially, and had to "Make Do" in a few areas. The cats did not complain when they were fed "people" tuna, but the Queen Mother sure did! She did a lot of ranting yesterday, for she felt certain parts of her Daily Routine had been altered in Ways She Did Not Like. Today she paid the price for her stressing with her worst "episode" yet. She still hasn't quite recovered from yesterday, and I might be calling the Nurse Advice line tomorrow if she's still in a Bad Way.

The Queen Mother, you see, is not very good at Screaming or Crying or throwing any sort of temper tantrum. Sometimes I wonder if she tried to "Vulcanize" herself (a la Mr. Spock in Star Trek, as she always prided herself at remaining cool and UNemotional, unlike my father, who never felt the need to restrain himself, at least in mom's eyes. (If I had a dollar for every time she said, "You're just like your father," and not meaning it as a compliment, I wouldn't have near the money issues that I do now!) With her mind unraveling, and gallstones now present, I suspect that she's now paying the price for Stuffing It All Deep Down for most of her life.

Last night was a grabbing of Essentials, as Himself got a wee windfall before the Main Payday; tomorrow is the Full Shopping day, along with Laundry and paying a few bills. We shall be making hay as the sun shines! With any luck, I won't be gone for so long in between blog posts, either. :)

Day 340: on a bit of an oopsie in the to-do's

Grocery shopping was the focus of today, hitting up Target and Trader Joe's for what we needed. This was the first trip I used a new note-taking app to make a grocery list, and it was a rousing success for me. If you take a lot of notes on your phone, and you have an Android, download Google Keep for yourself. You can color coordinate your notes too, which makes this Libra Sun + Virgo Moon very happy. 

We also went down to the dispensary to get some of Himself's CBD oil, which he uses to treat his digestive system and keep it polyp-free. What we thought was a really good price for CBD oil was a mistake on our part, though - that 20:1 ratio was actually 20 units of THC (the psychoactive stuff) to 1 unit of CBD (the medicinal stuff). If Himself had actually taken it, he would be stoned out of his mind! We will have to figure out what we can do with this, if anything, as the receipt clearly says All Sales Are Final.

There are no less than three restaurants in the same complex as the dispensary (no surprise, eh?), one of them being a decent Mexican joint. We picked up a couple of burritos while we were down there, and ate them once we were finished. Actually, I ate mine after getting the Queen Mother's dinner ready, and sat down at the table with her for the second consecutive evening. Fortunately, she didn't kvetch as much tonight as she had last night.

Tomorrow is Himself's Neurology appointment at the VA Medical Center, where we intend to discuss his leg issues and see if we can get a fresh perspective. The plan right now is to revisit the dispensary after that and see if we can't bend the rules a bit, as this is for medicinal purposes...though I'm not holding my breath. As it's a late afternoon appointment, I will be preparing the Queen Mother's dinner before we go. She is making noises about taking a shower tomorrow, so I think we'll be able to pencil that in earlier in the day.

I find myself juggling the care of two once more, but I'm in a place of acceptance right now. I suspect more waves of Anger and Resentment will arise and surge through me in the future, but if I can ride them out and not be drowned in them, that will be progress. :)

Day 270: on starting anew

It was back to the drawing board today, eventually.

Both Himself and I apparently needed very much to sleep in, as we woke up a bit later than we intended. We did get back into looking for resources and leaving messages, both online and over the phone.

Things got a bit complicated on my end because all of the feelings that I refused to feel yesterday came knocking today, so it didn't take much to catapult me into Overwhelm. I inched my way out of it several times over the course of the day. 

Tomorrow is another Cardiac session, so I will be moving my body again, hopefully burning off some of this anxious energy. I'm also looking at cutting out social media one more time, as I'm starting to find it difficult to remain neutral, even with all of the cute cats and kittens to distract me. I will see if I can reach out to a few more places in the morning before we leave.

Getting through this one day at a time, because it's all I can do, really... 

Day 237: on compromise

This will be a bit challenging, as I'm endeavoring to type this while lying down and propping the screen up against Inkblot the cat, who is lying atop my pelvis. Here I go anyway...

Today was occupied with making arrangements for the upcoming fumigation. Himself managed to take advantage of his status as a Navy Veteran to make an arrangement with some of the the local Veterans of Foreign Wars to help out with hotel costs. They found us a pet-friendly place - a Motel 6 - on the other side of town, for about half the cost of what we were initially looking at. Though I'm not thrilled with the idea at staying at a Motel 6, beggars can't be choosers, and this just might work out to be a better arrangement overall.

As the pieces of that puzzle were coming together, we took advantage of Himself's account being replenished to grab groceries and pay some bills, with more to come tomorrow. I managed to fill out the all-important fumigation paperwork today, and will fax it over tomorrow. I also managed to file the various pieces of mail we've received in their appropriate spots.

As  bonus, I found some wherewithal to clean up in the kitchen and load the dishwasher. The kitchen is also a "to be continued" for tomorrow, along with some more bill paying. We're not quite sure what the evening plans will be, but we'll figure that out as well.

Suddenly I have more faith that Life is happening FOR me, rather than TO me. Indeed, She moves in Mysterious Ways. 

Day 235: on facing the lesson

The good news: Himself won't need to return to the Cardiac department unless he has further adventures, and the staff helped to expedite the process to get him into Cardiac Rehab. He is moving in the right direction, healthwise.

The bad news: The HOA is not willing to delay the fumigation a second time; more, they say we get to pay $750 in fines if we don't comply. The thought to stay put and eat the fines is tempting, since that's less than the estimated hotel bill! However, something the Queen Mother said the other night gave me an idea: I can ask my cousin, who happens to have a nice-sized house, to see if she can put up with us - I mean, put us up - for a few days so said fumigation can take place, and we can save some moolah. I will add calling her to my to-do list.

The WTF: Himself's VA attorney presented some evidence to the Board to support his claim. There is still no ruling yet, and he was informed that the whole thing might be remanded back to the Regional Board here in San Diego. This is NOT a welcome possiblility, since they have not always been straightforward, in Himself's reckoning, in evaluating his claims. Besides, we aren't sure what that would do with the case overall. He has a call into his attorney to discuss the situation.

The Lesson, which I have been trying to avoid, if I'm going to be truly honest: I need to stop thinking about what I'm going to do to care for myself, "when we get the money/financial stability." I need to think about what I can do for myself and my sanity NOW, while we're hanging out in Limbo. I need to Go Small in ALL areas of my life, and get rid of any lingering expectations of Timing. (I will say, though, things will start getting Very Ouchy if there isn't a resolution by the end of June.)

To start, I have three goals this week: 1) Get my mornings a bit better organized - wash bowls and start water for tea first thing, then read some Literature and say a prayer or two while the tea steeps and everyone else in the house gets ready. 2) Step out and Walk while the Queen Mother watches her news, and Himself tends to his own business. 3) Shut down my devices about 11pm, then meditate after I help the Queen Mother into bed. I will check in at the end of the week with my progress.

The mists have parted for a time, and not only do I see we reached a plateau instead of the summit of the mountain, we have been walking around in circles for some time. I move to break out of my "holding pattern" and get on with LIFE, instead of yearning for a future that would only come after I burned out so badly I wouldn't be able to appreciate it.

My clock says it's 11:05, so I will say Good Night and return again tomorrow. 

Day 202: on improving further

I had a productive time writing in my Morning Pages. The question I posed was, "What can I do to occupy my mind in this time of Limbo?" The answer seemed at first to be a cliche - Chop Wood, Carry Water - but it spoke to staying more centered in the Present, taking care of my business (trash, recycling, decluttering), and taking care of myself (eating and moving with Intent and Purpose).

This answer might seem obvious, and it is rather obvious in truth, but when Catastrophizing and Apocalyptic Thinking have become second nature, sometimes I need an Obvious Answer to remind me of how best to proceed, and what I need to let go of.

I put my insight into action, taking care of the trash and the recycling. I started in on it yesterday, and will finish it off tomorrow, as I have been letting it slide a little between appointments and bouts of Depression. Himself helped out by running the vacuum. We also aired out the bedroom and the master bathroom; now it no longer stinks of bleach.

We have a few days to go until the end of the month, but I have a few small tricks up my sleeve, so everyone should stay fed and happy until the next month begins, and the monthly pensions arrive.

In the meantime, I have to re-submit my request to the DMV. I received it in the mail today, and the section I thought was an "either/or" is actually a "both/and." So there will be another delay in processing, another delay in getting the Queen Mother off of Income-base Medi-Cal, and another delay in getting my pay. Par for the course at this point! (optional: insert eyeball roll here)

Meanwhile, life goes on, and I will do my best to go with it.

Day 190: on accepting...

I was originally going to title this "on resigning," but after a nap, a walk, a tasty dinner, and some time in the Morning Pages, I was inspired to change the title to something more positive.

I was planning to go to the Caregiver Expo today, but my/our priority right now is to Conserve Resources as much as we can. We were expecting some money yesterday, but it hasn't arrived yet. Combined with some work Himself needs to do tomorrow in Point Loma (aka "down south,") I chose to let discretion be the better part of valor and stay home. It turns out the expected funds didn't arrive today, either, so that was a bit of validation for my choice. That doesn't mean I was happy about it; in fact, it took all of the activities that I mentioned above to bring me back to the Happy Medium.

I was, however, freed up to make an important phone call, which I would not have been able to make had I attended the Expo. I learned therein that I'm not the only one who has "experimented with new levels of Powerlessness and Unmanageability" as of late! Right now, I'm not in a position to do more than I'm currently doing, and sometimes that almost feels like I'm doing too much. Hopefully, that will change in the near future, and I'll be able to step up and be more of Service, helping to carry the load.

Because the call took place mid-morning, my Morning Pages were more of a late afternoon/early evening affair. I took my gripes to the Pages and came to the sense of Acceptance I had been seeking. Many times in the past year or so I have felt like I was in a basic "Survival Mode." Each time I would think I was moving forward, I would be slammed back, hard, into that mindset. Today I embraced the idea of not continually craning my head, looking for the gleam on the distant horizon, but focusing on what I have NOW and what I can do NOW instead. (Besides, all indications point to this being a Temporary Situation, and perhaps more temporary than I/we expect.)

I have a list of thirteen no-cost things I can do for Respite, and an additional seven low-cost things to go with it. If I actually concentrate on "Just for Today," if I actually move forward "One Day at a Time," I just might be able not only to hang on to my remaining Sanity, but perhaps even start rebuilding it. Time to put some Energy where my mouth is. :)

Himself and I are intending to make our Support group tomorrow. We shall see what happens.

Day 189: on revisiting...

Depression paid me a visit today, feeling very Heavy and sad. I dialogued with it on in the Morning Pages, and found the reason for Depression's visit, which could be summed up thusly: Still Waiting.

I resonated with both of those words...the "Waiting," yes, as I/we have several projects still in progress, hopefully with resolutions in the near future, emphasis on hopefully. As for "Still," I feel like I'm frozen in place, waiting for Something Positive and Prosperous To Happen, so I can start moving again. As I've mentioned before, I don't handle Ambiguity very well, so some days end with me ready to climb the walls and walk across the ceiling!

Once I had identified what was feeling out of sorts, though, I did feel better.

We revisited the VA today, as Himself had a follow up appointment with his dietician. She praised him for recording his meals in a food journal of sorts on his phone; now his challenges are 1) measuring out his portions to establish Portion Control parameters, and 2) being more aware of his late night eating habits, which is where he tends to stumble.

Once we were done there, it was time to hit up Pharmacy again, to get some of prescriptions renewed. He doesn't get his meds mailed to the home, because we have at least one active drug addict in our complex who will steal VA packages when they come, in a quest to obtain pain medications. So we waited while his prescriptions were filled. I noted that the overhead music was from the 80's, which took me back to my pre-teen and teen years. I don't actively listen to 80's music today, so hearing it played was a pleasant surprise. It also speaks volumes as to the "average age" of the veterans receiving medical treatment these days.

With medications and supplies in tow, we started home. As if the freeway traffic wasn't bad enough, which it was, we had the unfortunate timing of hitting a key stoplight en route just in time for both the Northbound and Southbound commuter rails to pass by. (The Coaster goes from Oceanside to San Diego and back again.) We wove our way along the surface streets and finally got home, where we had just enough time to get dinner prepared and consumed in our bellies. Then we were off and running again to our Friday meetings. We both had good ones.

I have taken stock and made my choice: tomorrow I head south for an adventure. More to be revealed...

Day 181: on taking strides forward

There are times when I wake up in the morning and can't return to sleep: when it's an a-ha! or when it's an oh no! Today it was one of the former moments, for I thought I had found a solution to my overarching problem of showing when the Queen Mother first was certified as Disabled: perhaps the Auto Insurance policy that we had once been on together could be traced back far enough to show her as a disabled driver! I called my company this morning, and would later stop by in person in the early afternoon.

Both times, though, I wound up a little disappointed: after I called in the morning, I received an email with some records attached. They didn't go back quite as far as I had requested, and even if they had, the cars were listed by their VIN numbers instead of by the license plates, which wouldn't prove anything. As for the office visit, the Queen Mother had apparently been a non-driver for so long, that she was no longer in their system. Whereas I might have had a meltdown in the past, today I took these (non) developments in stride. I had nothing to lose by asking.

After visiting the auto insurance company, Himself and I stopped by Trader Joes to grab groceries. Inkblot "helped" me with some recycling when I got home. I had the main meal of my day a little earlier than usual, so I was able to finish up everything in plenty of time to make it to my Caregiver Support Group. It was a small group tonight, but it was good to be among my main peeps. Himself and I then went to one of his meetings, and it was good to see some familiar faces.

Once we got home, Himself wanted to take a walk around the condo complex (where we live) to get back on the exercise bandwagon, and partly to help break in his new boots, which he purchased to get better support for his feet. They turned out to support his feet just fine, but other parts of his body chimed in their displeasure with actually moving and walking. My lower back has been acting up a bit, and I still walked faster than he did! We stopped to get the mail (the mailboxes are at the back of the complex), and once or twice more, but we made it back home. I'm hoping Himself makes this a regular part of our routine, as I generally like walking, and it helps me clear out my mind when everything is running riot.

We might or might not have plans for tomorrow during the day, so I will be playing it by ear once again. 

Day 167: on things going slightly awry

This was one of those Testing the Patience days...

Inkblot went to the vet and got his sutures removed, BUT the Cone of Shame has to stay on one more day to make sure all of the wounds are sufficiently scabbed over. I will swear to you he knew something was supposed to happen but didn't, as his tail was thumping mightily against the carpet while he was lying down, after we got home. (That means he was right peeved!) He's now asleep on the far end of the dining room table, where all of the paperwork winds up. Go figure.

We paid a visit to an attorney this afternoon to discuss our financial options. Bankruptcy is still a ways off, fortunately, but after considering the advice we were given, I have some more questions, so I will be making a phone call tomorrow to get some clarification. Then I should be able to make some choices come Monday.

Speaking of, I finally got the notification that my timesheet for the first part of the month was approved, after having turned everything in this past Monday. Now I'm praying really hard that the paycheck gets deposited tomorrow! Oy, oy, oy.

On another related note - the paperwork from both the DMV and the Queen Mother's doctor's office arrived today. Guess what? NO mention of being certified disabled from either one of them! Quick rant: how bloody difficult is it to get the piece of paper that says she's eligible for a vehicle placard or license plates, people?! The Queen Mother has suggested that we scour the paperwork that we have here to see if we have such a record, and I will have a hearty laughing scream if we find such paperwork tucked away in a file somewhere here.

If the search turns up nothing over the weekend, then we will all need to head over to the DMV office on Monday, with the disabled plate in question (yes, I kept the plates for sentimental reasons when we had to let her car go, and I'm totally glad that I did!)

This is the time to remember my tools: Breathe Deeply. Prioritize. Take the Next Indicated Step. Act Just For Today, One Day at a Time. All of this, too, shall pass, even if the outcome isn't precisely what I want. It will be what I need.

So. Moving Onward!

Day 79: on finding acceptance through "giving up"

Ever since my last major meltdown a few weeks ago, a new attitude has emerged from deep within - very subtly at first, but quite noticeable in the last week or so. It is a deep Knowing that everything is going to be okay in the end; it is also the "Peace that Passeth All Understanding" that boggles some of the more logical parts of my mind. It wasn't until I read my friend Maitri's blog post today that the elusive word for this attitude finally appeared in my mind: Acceptance.

In the past, I have resisted Life As It Is, and resisted hard. I would think that if I just tried a little harder, focussed my atterntion just a little more, I would find The Solution to this problem and all would be well. In practice, this served to amplify the Stinking Thinking going on in my head, more often than not, and would drive me even more crazy than before. Yet I would still persevere in my Resistance, like a bad habit I knew I needed to break, but didn't really want to, if I'm going to be totally honest.

When I had the last major meltdown, I Gave Up. I was done. I had jumped through my last hoop, turned over my last stone. I felt Untouchable and Irrevocably Broken and I was ready to quit bothering with anything and everything entirely. The meltdown was on a Sunday; when I woke up on Monday and found myself still alive and Incarnate on Earth, the Shift began to germinate in earnest.

It came to me later: pre-meltdown, I was still expecting a Dea Ex Macnina move, some master stroke of Divine Intervention from "Goddess Outside of the Machine," that would make everything All Better. Post-meltdown, that hopeful part of me died...but when it did, the source of my Resistance died with it. When I Gave Up, I was finally able to open the door to Real Acceptance, instead of just giving lip service to it.

The shenanigans my lower back is engaging in have tested that Acceptance, but I've come to be okay with the idea of lots of Stillness and Rest, and be thankful that it's ONLY a few tweaked nerves and muscles that have sidelined me temporarily. I have prayed for much more extreme disabilities in the past, when I was deep in my Resistance and desperate for some way, Any Way, out of the bottomless pit my life seemed to have become.

I'm sure there will be futher tests of my Acceptance in the future. For now, I am finding my motivation to resume the hoop-jumping and the storne-turning, because there is work to be done, to be attempted at the very least, to secure my position as the Queen Mother's IHSS provider, and keep that source of income viable. There is still work to be done, and I am motiviating myself to do it. :) 

Day 76: on easing my way through chaos

There is a reason why I like a slow morning to ease into the day: it makes whatever happens later in the day much easier to handle.

Like today...it was an easy morning, with plenty of time to drink my tea and write in my Morning Pages. Once I made up my mind to take action in the afternoon, the tempo picked up.

First, I cleaned out the refrigerator to make room for the food we were going to get later. Though we do our best to eat what we have, sometimes we get down to that final nibble we plan to finish off "tomorrow," or we lose track of where we've tucked something away behind all the other jars and bowls, or there's just something that someone don't like and arrangements will be made to pass it along, or get someone else to eat it - except Life takes over, and before we know it, there are some funky "science experiments" happily growing in the fridge that would continue growing ad infinitum, if we didn't step in and throw them out. I took advantage of the situation and took all of the trash out to the dumpster today, as they will be full-to-overflowing in a few days' time, and our trash service is going to be delayed one day.

Just as I was going to step into the shower, the attorney from Legal Aid who is going to help me with the Queen Mother's Medi-Cal appeal called me. I called him back after my shower. I like him already, because he provided some clarity as to what I could and could not do for mom and her Medi-Cal, and he was very sympathetic. We chose to postpone the appeal hearing for (approximately) one month, and I'm going to investigate all of the information I have received one more time to see if there's anything I can purchase, supplemental insurance-wise, that would help our cause. I was not previously in good place mentally to do that, but I'm feeling a bit more motivated to do it now.

After dressing, I got the Queen Mother's dinner ready a bit earlier than usual, and grabbed a protein bar to munch on for the drive down. Himself and I then took off to visit the food pantry at Jewish Family Serices. Getting down there wasn't too bad of a drive, but the traffic leaving San Diego proper was downright Insane! We agreed to stay in the area until after the traffic had died down; we had a few errands we needed to take care of anyway.

We have visited the pantry several times in the last two-ish years, first with Himself and his cancer experience, then because of the Queen Mother's situation. They have a good selection of food, and we have been satisfied with what we have picked up. We have even found unexpected treats there, such as Tim Tams (only the best non-ice cream dessert EVER!) direct from Austrailia. Today we were able to take care of some immediate needs, and stock up on a few things to be used for future Winter meals. I was pleased with what we carried out to the car.

We did eventually make it home, starting back on the road a bit after 8pm, well after the worst of the pre-holiday traffic. There were several instances today where I could have gotten angry, or upset at yet another change of destination, but I felt strangely At Ease with everyone and everything instead. Something has Shifted within me over the last two weeks, and I no longer feel on the brink of disaster. I'm still trying to find the words to express and process this properly.

Tomorrow I have to get Yet One More document filled out and turned in, and then I can begin to dive into the deep waters of Yuletide. I have much to unpack and make peace with, and I'm finally at a point where I can do just that. :)

Day 59: on adapting to changing plans

Today could have been bad, but wound up pretty good...

I was getting a week of Himself's medications together this morning when I noticed his blood pressure medication was missing. Both of us took turns looking for it but couldn't find it anywhere. This meant we would have to make a trip to the VA Medical Center to pick it up, since 1) He really needed his blood pressure medication and 2) If it was mailed, there was a good chance it would get stolen, since there is at least one hardcore drug addict living in our complex. The packages from the VA are fairly distinctive.

I was upset at first, because it meant I had to put the plans that I had for today on hold. I took my upset to my Morning Pages, and by the time I had finished writing, my perspective had done a complete 180. I acknowledged how challenged I feel when Something Unexpected happens in my life, and I further realized how Outsized my reaction usually is when an Unexpected plot twist unfolds before me. Today, I remembered to De-Couple my reaction from the event; in other words, I reassured myself I was okay, and the plot twist wasn't a huge deal (it rarely is). I'm allowing myself to consider what the actual source of my triggering IS, and I'm sure the full answer will come in time.

So, newly okay with this Unexpected plot twist, Himself and I went down to the VA Medical Center. We came up with a list of departments to visit while we were there, since he only has one appointment there this month, and there were a handful of questions that we had. For the most part, we were successful, checking off many of the visits we had to make, in addition to getting his all-important blood pressure medication. We were a bit delayed in coming home, but that's rush-hour traffic for you.

Looking a little ahead on the calendar, I don't have anything scheduled for tomorrow, so it's not that big of a deal to simply reschedule my tasks and get what I need to do later, instead of sooner. I feel a lot better about it now than I did this morning. 

Day 37: on veteran's day

Today has been a good day, flowing smoothly and with Ease. We made it back to our Sunday support group, and we updated everyone with what has been going on in our lives. It's lovely to be among other people who are not necessarily in the same boat, but who are traveling in the same river. Originally we were invited to attend because of Himself's colon cancer, but when I was advised that any chronic condition was welcome, I knew I had found a place where I could share about my Depression...and for a time, I wasn't the only person working with/through Depression, nor have I been the only Caregiver, so I am happy to have a place where Himself and I can share equally, and be regarded equally as well. :)

For the past week, I've been keeping an eye on the special Veteran's Day dinners, sharing the deals with Himself. We finally agreed on meeting one of his fellow vets tonight at the Macaroni Grill. As the veteran's spouse, I didn't get a special meal, but I did find a reasonably priced entree - some Eggplant Parmesan. All of the food was very tasty. :q

If you had asked me about my "ideal partner" at the start of this decade, getting into a relationship with someone either currently or formerly in the military would not have been on the list. I am not a warmonger, nor am I a big fan of the military. Having said that, my father was a nurse in the Navy, so perhaps I was "predisposed," in a sense, to find myself falling for a former sailor. Stepping into Himself's world has been eye-opening, and I have developed a feeling of compassion for veterans in general, and for his friends and associates in particular.

It is shameful to see how veterans are treated in certain circles; though I might not agree with the wars and conflicts they have fought in, I do believe they should be given the opportunity to heal from their physical and mental wounds, and be welcomed back into society - and if the government says they shall receive "special" support, they should receive that support, instead of being hung out to dry or left to fend for themselves with no support. Unfortunately, red tape is red tape, no matter whether or not you're military.

Tomorrow we will both resume pursuing the next chapter in our own bureaucratic adventures, yet if all goes well, perhaps we will cap off the day with another special Veteran's dinner, as there will be a few places still offering specials. Hopefully I will be able to carry the Ease of today over into tomorrow, as there will be something of a "holiday" feel, and I'm sure some places will be closed. 

Day 36: on course corrections

I wound up not doing a "daycation" as I had planned after all. The Queen Mother had a fit last night when I informed her of our plans, and I wound up calling the woman who was going to come out to keep her company to cancel, once again.

This morning I had a good conversation with mom over breakfast; we wound up clearing a lot of air between us. Coming out of that conversation, I am going to see if I can try to get Himself to help me a bit more in cleaning up the house (because the Queen Mother is willing to entertain the idea of "having company" IF the house is tidier). I am also going to see if I can invite our friend over to lunch to introduce her to mom, so whe will be more comfortable with the idea of someone coming over to spell me for Respite care. The one thing she does NOT want is a "stranger" in the house. I don't blame her for being cautious. Yes, you can certify people to be caregivers, and/or ask friends who you know really well - but you don't really know what's going on in another person's mind...or if today's "bad" day is just one bad day too many.

I realized today that I had been listening to, and misinterpreting, the advice of caregivers who were totally stressed out, desperate for respite, and/or dealing with loved ones who were much more violent and unpredictable than the Queen Mother is. So many people have advised to all but run out the door the moment the respite caregiver arrives, lest their loved one throw a tantrum, or do something that will sabotage the caregiver's plans to step away and have a breather.  This isn't the first time I have found myself heeding Other People's Opinions more than my own intuition. I never really liked the idea of springing a second caregiver on my mother and then bailing; then again, even though the Queen Mother's mental state isn't nearly as bad as I've heard some Dementia suferers are, there have been times when I've been ready to break out and lose myself In the Wind, so to speak.

I have come to realize that a lot of my suffering was "self-inflicted": that I could be the Caregiver, or I could be the Priestess, BUT I could not be both at the same time. For a long time, I didn't want to be the Caregiver, that it was presumed I would be the Caaregiver (as the Only Child), yet "no one" bothered to ask ME if I had any diiferent plans. In committing to going small, I say that I CAN be the Priestess and the Caregiver at the same time, but that my "ministry" has to be much smaller in numbers than I initially planned for...namely, Myself, Himself, the Queen Mother, and the cats. As much Content as I want to generate as a Priestess, both online and in Real Life, I don't have the bandwidth available at this time to devote to my Dreams and my Reality simultaneously. As I (re)cultivate healthy emotional, spiritual, and physical habits, and further emerge from my Situational Depression, perhaps down the line I will be able to share some of that bandwidth more evenly. Right now, it's a matter of living Day by Day, Moment by Moment, and Simplifying as much as I can - basically, everything!

So I recalibrate myself to observe my reality As It Is, and not As I Want It to Be. I see there is work to be done to get from Here to There, so I will do it One Day at a Time, and not have to (necessarily) wait for the Queen Mother to pass on in the meantime. I daresay I might actually be feeling Acceptance with my odyssey, rather than being Resigned to it. :)

Day 5: on receiving support

As I had hoped yesterday, today I made it out to my caregiver support group. This is one of several groups sponsored by the Southern Caregiver Resource Center, an organization unique in that its focus is on providing resouces to the caregiver first, instead of on the loved one who needs care. I have taken advantage of SCRC's many resources over the past 2 1/2 years; their support groups are free and ongoing - no registration required. If you want to, you could attend 2-3 groups per week. After not being able to attend for a few months, I am self-committing to attend one support group per week: the 1st and 3rd Thursdays + the 2nd and 4th Wednesdays.

The caregiver support group has become a safe place for me...I am part of a circle of people who can totally relate to my trials and tribulations, as I can (more and more) relate to theirs. We provide one another the listening ear, wihout judgment or criticism. We share our hard-won experience, strength, and hope. If someone has a question about caregiving for their loved one, there is almost certainly someone else who has an answer, and the facilitator from SCRC is always there to help with access to resources.

Today I was the "newbie" in the group, though there was one other who had arrived the week before me. We commiserated over the challenges of caring for our loved ones, particularly if Dementia is involved (which I have found is an all too common denominator). As one of the other participants noted, "there always seems to be someone who has it worse than you." After this meeting, I walked out grateful that the Queen Mother wasn't even worse off, mentally - though that may yet come in the future.

I received the unexpected gift of some downtime as I waited for Himself to come and pick me up, since he had gone to help one of his friends with some necessary transportation while I circled in group. So I walked to the large mall across the street from the meeting place, and treated myself to a tall green tea frappuccino, which I enjoyed outside, in the waning of the warm days. We are actually expecting some RAIN in the forecast, and the temperature will be dipping a bit. I had just about finished the frappuccino when Himself pulled up, and after a quick caffeine reload for him, we were off to a spot of grocery shopping, then home for dinner.

Finally done with my day, I am winding down. Tomorrow has another trip to the VAMC, and the all-important oncology report. I am expecting continued good news, but I/we will happily accept good thoughts and prayers.