I was originally going to title this "on resigning," but after a nap, a walk, a tasty dinner, and some time in the Morning Pages, I was inspired to change the title to something more positive.
I was planning to go to the Caregiver Expo today, but my/our priority right now is to Conserve Resources as much as we can. We were expecting some money yesterday, but it hasn't arrived yet. Combined with some work Himself needs to do tomorrow in Point Loma (aka "down south,") I chose to let discretion be the better part of valor and stay home. It turns out the expected funds didn't arrive today, either, so that was a bit of validation for my choice. That doesn't mean I was happy about it; in fact, it took all of the activities that I mentioned above to bring me back to the Happy Medium.
I was, however, freed up to make an important phone call, which I would not have been able to make had I attended the Expo. I learned therein that I'm not the only one who has "experimented with new levels of Powerlessness and Unmanageability" as of late! Right now, I'm not in a position to do more than I'm currently doing, and sometimes that almost feels like I'm doing too much. Hopefully, that will change in the near future, and I'll be able to step up and be more of Service, helping to carry the load.
Because the call took place mid-morning, my Morning Pages were more of a late afternoon/early evening affair. I took my gripes to the Pages and came to the sense of Acceptance I had been seeking. Many times in the past year or so I have felt like I was in a basic "Survival Mode." Each time I would think I was moving forward, I would be slammed back, hard, into that mindset. Today I embraced the idea of not continually craning my head, looking for the gleam on the distant horizon, but focusing on what I have NOW and what I can do NOW instead. (Besides, all indications point to this being a Temporary Situation, and perhaps more temporary than I/we expect.)
I have a list of thirteen no-cost things I can do for Respite, and an additional seven low-cost things to go with it. If I actually concentrate on "Just for Today," if I actually move forward "One Day at a Time," I just might be able not only to hang on to my remaining Sanity, but perhaps even start rebuilding it. Time to put some Energy where my mouth is. :)
Himself and I are intending to make our Support group tomorrow. We shall see what happens.
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