Day 26: on putting myself back together

It would be safe to say the day did not go as planned.

After my Morning Pages, but before breakfast, I checked my bank app to make sure some money Himself had deposited into my account had indeed arrived. Well, it had, but not before a check had bounced, one which I thought would go through today instead of yesterday, since I had not seen it Pending. But the cashing of the check had been attempted, it had failed, and "once again" I was dinged with an NSF fee. Sure, I can cover the check, but "once again," there are also other bills due, and "once again," I'm going to be all but broke before a week has passed. I could feel myself sliding down into Depression - but I chose to push forward.

I took a shower and got myself dressed. I advised Himself that I was ready to head out, and off we went. As we were getting ready to leave the main interstate highway for the state highway, Himself had to slam on the brakes because traffic ahead of us was coming to abrupt standstill; we later saw that a bus and a car had pulled to the side of the overpass connecting the two freeeways, and CHP was there as well.

Here's the thing: we didn't get into an accident, but I was looking down at the time; though we stopped, I felf myself moving forward, and all but saw/felt the airbag deploy. Here's the other thing: this was our second Near Miss in as many weeks.

So when we stopped at a Starbucks halfway between home and Questhaven, I was totally dialed in to Flight Mode, and I could NOT go forward in the day anymore. When I tried to talk myself out of it, I went into a full-blown Panic Attack instead.

I absolutely Do NOT break down and cry hysterically in public, unless I'm in the car. Inside the Starbucks, though, I came very close to losing it completely. At least I had the presence of mind to recognize my distress as a Panic Attack - maybe the second (or third?) time in my life I've experienced one. So we sat quietly for a time, Himself and I, attending to our respective beverages, until I had composed myself enough to walk out the door again.

Sometimes you push through. Sometimes you fall back. Sometimes you can figure out a compromise, and that's what I did...before we returned to the normal routines of the day, we paid a quick visit to Kit Carson Park, and the duck pond that I love so much. We managed a half an hour there in total. Today, an egret was paying a visit to the pond, viz:

Even though this wasn't the Big Outing in Nature I had promised myself, this small slice proved enough to soothe my jarred spirits for today. I have also rescheduled my Big Outing for next Wednesday, when the timing feels equally fortuitous, if not a bit more so. :)

I finished my business in the outside world with a bit of grocery shopping, grabbing some food & necessities while we had the cash to do so. I even treated myself to some cucumber sushi and seaweed salad for a late lunch. I have since eaten dinner and will soon be coloring one of my mandalas, gentle music playing via Pandora, and Pippa by my side. Thus I finish the process of Putting Myself Back Together, for today.

I am grateful for the flexibility to change my plans when the need arises. I am grateful we're okay and the car is okay. I am grateful for black tea with lemonade and healthy tasty things. I am grateful for the presence of the duck pond so close to home. I am grateful that tomorrow is a new day. I count my Blessings, and I am complete.

Day 25: on staying atop the surfboard

Today started out much lighter than yesterday did. There were still appointments to attend, and concerns to ponder, but I was able to enjoy a cup of tea and write in the Morning Pages before things got going.

The concern I am pondering foremost is the Queen Mother's health. She has been complaining about dizziness and nausea, and if her complaints continue, a return visit to her doctor is all but certain. She did manage to feel better as the day progressed, so we were able to make her dental appointment, where they finally fixed her dentures to her satisfaction. She had been wearing them for the past week with only a few complaints, and now appears to have accepted them completely. Here's one thing I can cross off of my list!

Between appointments, Himself worked some more on the demand letter for his personal insurance settlement, which he hopes to finish this week. Although it would be lovely to get everything wrapped up and resolved by the end of next month (which we're hoping for), I have stopped expecting quick resolutions to all things financial. This is the concern that lingers in the background, and has for a while now - we know we are going to get money, but we are not sure as to WHEN. It is this uncertainty which can pitch me off the surfboard and into the murky and turbulent waters, where Stinking Thinking lurks just below the surface, ready to pull me down into the depths and into Depression. The only way I have so far figured out to cope is to release ANY expectations of significant financial windfalls this year. When I take off the blinders, then I can better see what is truly around me, and perhaps act more appropriately with what I have at hand, now.

I am saving the critical thinking for later in the week. Tomorrow is a day to replenish myself In Nature, and walk the Labyrinth. :)

Day 24: on suiting up & showing up

I did not want to get going today. I woke up with a case of the Heavies and it took me a while to shake it off, but I'm glad I did.

The first stop was at the County Health & Human Services office; fortunately there is a branch on the other side of town, so I didn't have to make the drive all the way down to San Diego. The IHSS people told me to talk to the Medi-Cal people a few doors down, so that was my next stop. Himself was with me, mainly to get out of the Queen Mother's hair, and his presence paid off when the attendant at the kiosk machines took one look at his cane and gave us a Disabled "Express" ticket.

When our number was called, we went to the assigned desk and I explained the situation again. The woman at the desk was very polite and understanding, even laughing at Himself's jokes as he cracked wise. She passed the Queen Mother's file along to one of the case workers, who we went to see when our number was called again. (I passed the time mainly by reading Caregiver articles from emails I had tagged "for future interest" on my phone.) The case worker was also very polite, and just as confused as I was. Not sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Eventually, she rescinded the dreaded IHSS Share of Cost for October and November...but we have until December to figure out how to get the Queen Mother back under the Federal Poverty Line. What, we have to be more broke than we already are?

Moving on: we nipped from one bureaucratic institution to another and drove down to the VA Medical Center (which is looking more and more SANE, if you can believe it! Himself received his physical therapy treatment for his right shoulder and inquired about his left shoulder; he will need to be referred back to PT by his primary doctor. Then came a trip to the Pharmacy to renew some of his medications. I'm in charge of keeping track of his meds, both in getting them ready for the week and making sure he doesnt run out of them, because of his TBI. This is my primary role for him right now - making sure he doesn't forget stuff, like taking his meds, or what a doctor might tell him at one of his numerous appointments.

On the way home, we stopped at Target to grab groceries, mainly for mom and the cats, and some for us as well. Tried to pay for the Queen Mother's groceries with her EBT card, but the darn thing wouldn't work! Fortunately, I had enough cash to cover everything, but my mood was not the best when we got home. I fixed the Queen Mother's dinner, then cooked up some mushroom ravioli for Himself and myself. Felt better after eating.

Then it was time to suit up and show up in a different way, as I accompanied Himself down to Beth Israel in La Jolla for a community rally. The place was SRO, and it was a lovely sight to see. Basically, the spiritual and civic leaders came together to affirm and promote Tolerance and Inclusivity in San Diego County. Many words were well said. Afterwards, Himself and I made our way to Denny's for some dessert. I had the Tres Leches "dessert" pancakes, and Holy Mother they were Deeeeeeeeee-Viiiiiiine!

I believe a good way to counter the Fear Culture is to find and cultivate as much JOY in life as possible. Tres Leches pancakes go a long way in doing that. :q   

Day 23: on "going small"

I try to keep myself moving in a good direction by looking for the lesson in what unfolds before me, a task I usually find easier once I have moved through a rough patch than when I'm trying to slog my way through the middle of it. What has arisen from this vacation debacle is this: I need to stop putting all of my Expectations into ONE event that will "restore" me, and instead focus on creating for myself smaller opportunities during the week to release the dross of Caregiving - and Life in general - and find myself points of equilibrium.

I also need to keep in mind that I am a LOT more Sensitive to the energetic ebbs and flows of the world, both at home and at large, than I might have cared to admit. I need to build in for myself plenty of good downtime without allowing myself to get caught up in the special Inertia that Depression will swallow me whole in. Specifically, I need regular trips Out Into Nature, to listen to birdsong and wind whispering through trees, or the consistent, steady breathing flow of sea water as it eternally moves back and forth over the sand at the continent's edge. Nature is my spiritual tonic, the balm for my soul when Life's edges become a little too cutting.

I opened up the calendar on my phone earlier today and had a look at the near future. This coming Wednesday had nothing scheduled; it looked perfect for walking the labyrinth at one of my favorite retreat spots. The Wednesday after that has a Mindfulness Meditation day scheduled for the evening; why not Deepen the Juciness of that day with a park excursion beforehand? So there are two weekly sojourns taken care of right there, two I can commit to for improving my mental - and spiritual - health.

As for each "normal" day, I have an hour or two in the evenings when the Queen Mother is watching TV and Himself is either watching TV with her or is out taking care of his own business. It would not be difficult at all to put on gentle music and color in a mandala, or do some therapeutic writing, or even (gasp) read an actual book! I used to be a voracious reader, and I still do enjoy reading articles on my smartphone, but it's not the same as picking up a nice old-school BOOK and reading it cover to cover. There's something about the heft of a good-sized book, the smoothness of the paper under your hand, the smell of time and the bookbinding glue, that comforts a bibliophile like me...but I digress.

This feels like a good focus for the next month, this going small. I will report regularly upon my progress, along with the rest of the minutiae that make up this Odyssey.

By the way - we elected to sleep in this morning instead, rather than check off a list of activities. I appreciated the leisurely start to my day today, as I have plenty of opportunities to Rush In and Speed Ahead these days! Truly easing into the day might also be something to practice more often! ;)    

Day 22: on attempting to salvage the zen

Himself and I managed to accomplish our mission pretty well, actually...

We got ourselves up reasonably early and enjoyed some breakfast. After I attended to some business on a conference call, we went to the beach. We're VERY blessed to live about half an hour away from the ocean; additionally, Himself has a veteran's pass that allows us to visit state beaches for free, and we have taken full advantage of that.

We spent two lovely hours at the beach, enjoying some of the last of the truly warm weather and taking turns walking in the cool Pacific water. I find that I can ground very nicely if I take the opportunity to "stick my feet" into the ocean, and the negative ions from the salty air clear my energy. I call it getting a much needed dose of Vitamin Sea. A pair of rocks accompanied us home: one a striking red and tan two-tone rock I had not seen before, the other a pale rock with pink flecks in it. I'll see if I can post a picture of them in the near future.

It's a good thing we were able to enjoy our time at the beach, because we came home to the horrible news of the shooting at the Pittsburgh synagogue. Himself is Jewish, and he became rather freaked out at the news. (As his Pagan wife, I completely get it.) Per our original plans, I went with him to his meeting after I had a snack and got dinner ready for the Queen Mother. We stopped at a Dollar Tree and purchased a pair of white novena (pillar) candles to serve as memorial candles. He doesn't think one candle alone will burn the entire seven days, but I think it will. I'll let y'all know who is right. (BTW, there will be a community service Monday evening that we will be attending.)

After Himself's meeting, a small group of us went to the "meeting after the meeting" at our favorite Greek restaurant. I had my Birthday dinner of spanikopita, with rice and carrots, and with my birthday coupon, got some baklava to take home. Granted, my birthday was 10 days or so ago, but in this case, better late than never!

Tomorrow will feature a welcome visit with our support group, wherein I'm sure there will be much commiseration. Until tomorrow, it might not be a bad idea to pray for PEACE. 

 

Day 21: on what i did "instead"

If our original plans had not been altered, I would have posted this today from a hotel in Phoenix, AZ. Since they were altered, though, I had a few things I did "instead"...

I tackled the kitchen and loaded the dishwasher. The kitchen is one of the places in the home where things can get nasty very quickly if one doesn't stay on top of things: food is prepared, so there is packaging to be thrown away or reecycled; dishes are used and need to be washed, or at the very least, rinsed off. Unfortunately, in the grip of Depression, this is the one area where I can plan on getting everything cleared up "tomorrow" - and many tomorrows become yesterdays, and still no action is taken. Today I made headway and brought a measure of Order to the continuous Chaos the kitchen often is.

I went on a merry goose chase around town to find the one specific type of Citracal that the Queen Mother will happily take. Walmart didn't have it, nor Walgreens, nor CVS. Rite Aid is the one place that had the yogurt-like, berry flavored chewable "pearls," so after 45 minutes, I was finally able to come home triumphant, and very hangry.

Himself and I went to our special meetings tonight, where I was greeted with surprise and a little concern at my meeting. There I was able to share my story and commiserate with one of my tribes, and feel better once the meeting was over. Somehow that led to some good, open sharing between Himself and myself on the way home, so I'm grateful for that. :)

With any luck, tomorrow I will be able to salvage some of the fun and Zen energy I was planning on diving into over the weekend. I'll check in tomorrow and let y'all know how succcessful I was.

Day 20: on caring for the queen mother

In between the moments of waxing (melo)dramatic and changing our plans, there have been a pair of key appointments for the Queen Mother to meet...

As I mentioned previously, I took her to the dentist on Monday. Her dentures had become a concern, so we had found a dentist (who she likes) on her dental plan. We had previously agreed to get her a brand new set of dentures, and paid $400 for the lab expenses; the rest was taken care of by her combination Medicare/Medi-Cal insurance. The problem was, she said the new dentures made her mouth hurt, and she wouldn't wear them. (Insert exasperated eyeroll here.)

On the last visit prior to this one, they put a soft liner in the dentures, which helped; then on this most recent visit, the dentist sculpted the dentures with her handy Dremel tool until they finally fit! Now mom is wearing her new dentures relatively happily. We're going back next Tuesday to see if any other adjustments need to be made.

As for the other adventure this week...a few months ago, the Queen Mother's regular glasses were accidentally run over (!) after one of her other appointments. We fixed her glasses for the short term, then made her an eye appointment to see if her prescription had changed before getting the new glasses. She has cataracts in both eyes, but they're not debilitating yet; nevertheless, there was a small change to her prescription. We picked out nice new frames, paid for them and the lenses, and picked up the new glasses today. Unlike the new dentures, she took to her new glasses right away. 

Getting her to and from her appointments is often a process with several moving parts: there's moving the car, supporting mom as she exits the house, having her wheelchair ready to go (for walking outdoors, even with the support of canes or a walker, is no longer feasible for her), getting her in the wheelchair, wheeling her over to the car, helping her get out of the wheelchair and into the car, folding up the wheelchair and stowing it in the trunk, getting her canes into the car, and finally belting her in the seat (then securing my seat belt) before we can hit the road. When we get to the appointment, it's a matter of helping her out of the car and into the wheelhair. I then push the chair - which she calls her "chariot" - to the appropriate doctor's office, while Himself finds a decent parking spot and settles in to wait for us. The entire process then gets reversed when we're done with the appointment.

I mention this because I try to schedule only one appointment per week for the Queen Mother, as it is a labor-intensive process...and the uneven roads jostle her back, no matter how carefully we drive, so she's complaining almost nonstop about being in pain. This week, however, we wound up having two appointments - but since one of them was to get her new glasses, something she was very eager to get, she didn't complain as much as she could have, which made the trip easier for me as well.

Now if only I could convince her to get fitted for hearing aids - !

Day 19: on digging deeper

So after writing down my frustrations and sorrows, I allowed things to percolate, and further insights arose...

I realized I have been projecting a lot of my frustrations about my life onto my mother. As a single mom for much of my childhood, she did her best to shield me from the world's unpleasantries, and did her best to stay independent, despite her physical challenges. My frustrations are mine to own and work through; perhaps I could have flown further from the home nest at times, but what would additional adventuring have brought me?

This leads to the second, and deeper, realization: I might be more sensitive than I care to admit. I was introduced to  the harsher vagaries of the world when I entered junior high school, and it was a HUGE shock to my system. I renounced much of the popular culture I observed around me in the 8th grade and vowed to "go it alone" until such time as I felt differently...and I find myself repeating some of the same Vows of Renunciation more than thirty years later!

"Losing" my vacation has helped me look within and given me some prime Shadow material to work through - absolutely necessary if I'm going to complete this odyssey! So now I will allow these further insights to percolate, and go from there. In the meantime, I have a Toolbox of tips and techniques to look through to help with Life On the Daily.

One day at a time... :)  

Day 18: on being still and listening

Today was not a day to move mountains after all. When I checked in with myself, I really wanted to rest, so that's what I did. There's always another day to fight battles in the outside world.

Instead, I did some writing , which provided me a snapshot of my thoughts...and they happened to be filled with Stinking Thinking. They were also an extension of the writing that had emerged on Sunday; I knew I had to pay attention when my first sentence was, I hate caregiving! To sum up what I wrote today: I'm feeling like I had a shot to realize my Dreams, but I didn't have the courage to manifest them fully. Now, I'm living out my "punishment" of taking care of my mother, alone.

I know from past Shadow Work that I have challenges arising from parental Shadows, and that a lot of my challenges around relating to/with my mom involve my identity as an Individual Person, versus "just" being my mother's daughter - a dance informed and complicated by being an Only child. How much do I owe her for birthing and caring for me as I grew up? How much do I owe myself to live my best life and pursue my dreams, now that I am an adult? Finding the balance between these two poles is tricky at best, and this dilemma is complicated by the notion that I have NO idea how long the Queen Mother will be around. Aside from osteoarthritis (and a body shaped by rickets), she's actually in good health...so she could live for another three, five, ten years, or even longer. Her mother lived to 95, and she's only 76!

With this knowledge, I look at the words that spilled upon the page today and I see a story that needs to be rewritten. For better and for worse, I am my mother's caregiver right now. I do not want to be one of the 40% (at least) of caregivers whose lives are shortened, or even prematurely ended, by the stress caregiving can bring. So as the moon comes to fullness, I can consider the rewriting of my Caregiving story, and the rewiring of my Lone Wolf attitude!

Day 17: on the curse of the monkeywrench

Share of Cost.
This is the monkeywrench. These are the words I'm hating on right now.

The call to the electronic timesheet help desk led to a call to the IHSS office, where I was informed, very apologetically by the woman on the other end of the line, that the Share of Cost for the Queen Mother to receive IHSS assistance had eaten up my paycheck. More, it would eat up all subsequent paychecks, since this Share of Cost is slightly more than double what I receive per month to take care of the Queen Mother. The decision was made late last month - and by the way, I should receive notification of said decision this week.

I really needed this money, this week. I will challenge Medi-Cal's decision and do my damndest to rectify this, since nothing in our income has changed. I can even get my union involved if it comes to that. I see resolution...in a month. Maybe two months.

In the meantime, all of our carefully laid vacation plans are now Kaput.

Tomorrow I'm taking my paperwork to my local office, which is just on the other side of town. If I had tried to go today, I would very likely be in jail right now.  I was that upset. I'm still simmering.

In the middle of all this, the dentist finally fixed the Queen Mother's dentures to her satisfaction. I will delve more into this later. She's reasonably happy with them today; tomorrow might be another story. Regardless, we're returning to the dentist in a week to see if any further modifications are needed.

The MOMENT Himself gets money from his personal injuty case, I am taking my vacation. Until then, I shall be growling at a few mindless bureaucrats. Pray for them... 

Day 16: on the breaking of tension by my moonflow

(aka, "holy crap! she's gonna be writing about her menstrual period!")

Today I received the unmistakable notice that "Auntie Flow" was once again making her monthly-ish visit. I'm steadily creeping forward in the lunar cycle, thanks to the gift of Peri-Menopause. I'm no longer a spring chicken - more likely a midsummer one - so I'm not quite going an entire month between times of bleeding. I'm not as bad as I used to be, though, when my hormones were so out of whack that there wasn't a real rhyme or reason to any part of my cycle! That, however, is story in and of itself, which I will save for another time.

Anyway...I'm not entirely surprised that I'm starting my Moonflow today, because I've been feeling the Tension building within me for a couple of days prior. I call it part of my Pre-Menstrual Sensitivity: my temper grows shorter, and my patience dissipates much faster, as my desire to Go Within and Turn Away from "the outside world" increases exponentially. For a few days before, and for the first part of my Moonflow, I might as well have a sign on my door that says, "Deposit Dark Chocolate at Entry and Walk Away. Will Emerge Eventually." With the initial trickle, however, I always heave a huge sigh of relief; as I seem to regain a bit of my patience and stability, I can now stand down and pull the claws back in. ;)

Those couple of days beforehand this time were doozies. The Queen Mother was in a foul mood on Friday, because she had to see her doctor. Just as her mood got better, Himself and I advised her of our plan to help a friend with transportation up to LAX - and right back into Foulness she went. I found myself in a foul mood that reflected her foul mood, and there were times when we unfortunately amplified one another. As yesterday unfolded, though, the words of Wisdom a friend had shared with me finally sunk in. I am responsible, to a certain degree, for mom's Health. I am NOT responsible, to ANY degree, for her Happiness! If she wants to be in a bitchy mood all day, that's Her Choice, and I can just let her stew in her own juices until she chooses otherwise. Some days will be easier to remember this than others; when I forget, Himself has promised to remind me.

As for the trip up to LAX and back home itself, it wasn't bad at all. Outside of the airport, traffic was actually behaving, a rare event in Los Angeles County! Inside, of course, was another story, but we followed our noses and everything worked out for the best. We even had time for a necessary Pit Stop before returning home. We got back before midnight, which is the Queen Mother's usual bedtime, and I tucked her in per usual. :)

The bad news: the next day or so will not be fun, as the Queen Mother has a dental appointment tomorrow, and I have to go with her to make sure everything gets communicated smoothly. She's not only "losing words" from her vocabulary, she's also mostly deaf and refuses to wear hearing aids. Once that's taken care of, there will be the matter of breaking the news to her that Himself and I will be flying out to Phoenix for a long weekend. It's a service conference for him, but it will be a much needed Vacation for me! Since I've had my a-ha moment, though, I'm not nearly as worried as to what her reaction will be once she learns of our plans. We are having a friend with caregiving experience come over for those days that we're gone, to keep an eye on her and keep her company. Mom is complaining more and more of loneliness, so this will be helpful, especially if she and her designated caregiver hit it off.

The good news: I should be finished with my Moonflow by the time the conference begins, so I'll be able to take advantage of the waterslide and the heated swimming pool at the hotel! I envision myself spending a lot of time poolside, in fact.

Some vexing news: I'm registered with In Home Supportive Services, an organization run by the state of California that treats me as the "employee" of the Queen Mother, so I'm paid by the state government. Somehow, they've messed up my paycheck for the first part of the month - my income for this pay period has been "eaten up" completely by deductions. I don't understand it either, and I was counting on that money to make this vacation a smooth one! So I'll be making a phone call tomorrow morning and hope that someone merely put a decimal point in the wrong place, and this can be resolved sooner rather than later!

If it's not one thing, it's another, am I right?
And all I want right now is some dark chocolate and my mandala coloring book. :p
Ah, well. This will all work out for the best...

Day 15: on posting "in medias res"

The Latin phrase above translates to "in the middle," and that's where I am right now. I don't think I'm going to be able to post before midnight tonight, so I'm just going to leave this brief note.

Challenging day emotionally, with some moments of clarity. Hoping to elaborate tomorrow.

Outties.

Day 14: on finishing a busy day

I am feeling tired on several levels, but here I am in my commitment, checking in.

The flow of the day went well enough. Himself got to his appointments, and I got the Queen Mother to her doctor's appointment. In her case, we are going to stay the course, for now. She has been experiencing more pain as the weather has gotten colder. If she needs to take her pain meds, we will get her a stool softener to take with those meds, to see if we can avoid a repeat experience of the gastrointestinal "roller coaster" she rode a month ago.

Part of why I'm tired now is because the Queen Mother was in a foul mood when she woke up and came out of her room. She despises going anywhere outside the home, mainly because going to and fro is a significant physical challenge. Every bump in the road, every jolt of uneven pavement, causes her pain. Of course, as her dutiful daughter, I'm trying to keep everything flowing as smoothly as possible. We made it to the doctor's office and back again today, but - whew!

Part of why I'm tired is that tomorrow I am most likely going to accompany Himself on a quick trip to LA, helping a friend get to LAX. I found myself super triggered by the idea: Why do I have to Sacrifice my precious time? Why am I making All Of The Sacrifices? How much more do I have to Sacrifice before I/we can emerge from the LACK I/we have been swimming in, sometimes just managing to keep my/our head/s above water? I wound up emotionally vomiting all over Himself on our way to our weekly meetings this evening, but he didn't get angry. He just assured me that everything was going to be okay; and after a while, I did start to feel better - but not before I had done some soul-deep venting.

Fortunately, the day is over, and I can mark this day as done. Tomorrow will be a fresh new opportunity... :)

Day 13: on summing up

I have succeeded in clearing the floor in the master bedroom. We still need a good vacuuming, but it's nice being able to walk without having to step over or around piles of whatnot in the middle of the night in order to reach the commode.

Himself received paperwork in the mail from the "civilian" neurologist. He will still have to visit their office tomorrow to get everything, but all systems are go to put together settlement proposal. Hoping to have it completed next week.

Tomorrow is going to be a full day of appointments. I will speak more at length in the evening after all has been said and done.

Went to my support group tonight and came up with a new term: as there is Pre-Grieving (mourning the loss of a loved one before their passing), I came up with Pre-Bitching - anticipating a loved one's reaction when Himself and I tell the Queen Mother we're leaving for a long weekend next week, and a friend of ours will be staying with her while we're away. I doubt if she will be thrilled. More on that as we draw closer to time.

Herein is the summary. Will be back tomorrow... :)

Day 12: on the magic of momentum

The ease and grace that began to flow yesterday continued today. :)

Practically, I made some more headway in cleaning up the master bedroom. I had a modest pile of clothes in one corner. They had been tagged originally for Giveaway, but then I got the idea in my head that perhaps I could sell my clothes for some much needed cash. Well, the first time I tried to sell clothes was the last time; I don't think I got more than $5 combined from the two places we visited. Then I got the idea to rent a booth at a swap meet and sell the fruits of my decluttering efforts there. That got swept away shortly after Himself's cancer diagnosis, and the subsequent onset of my Depression saw me not doing anything in the way of decluttering or offloading, and the planned castoffs just kept piling up.

Today I picked those clothes up, shook them clear, and placed them neatly in bags. My lesson has been learned: for me, Giveaway is the Only Way. Neither Himself nor I have the bandwidth to secure a place at the swap meet - and the horror stories I hear about selling stuff online far outweigh the success stories. Giveaway is SO much easier for me/us all the way around!  At any rate, between decluttering and taking out trash + recycling, I feel like I got a fair amount done today, with more to come tomorrow.

Later in the day, I went with Himself to his follow-up appointment with the "civilian" neurologist (one he found outside the VA) to discuss the results of the CT scan he had 10 days ago. You see, he was rear-ended while driving on the I-5 freeway this past July (on the first day of Comi-Con, so traffic was more horrendous than usual!), and got whiplash. Then he began to have nearly nonstop migrane headches. I had an offer from my chiropractor for a free exam; between that and the coverage provided by our car insurance, he started going for treatment. He's now getting all of the bills together (that have been incurred from the accident), and he will be submitting everything to the other driver's insurance company soon for a settlement. For a car accident claim, things have been moving rather fast, and I am hoping for a swift resolution.

Following the neurology appointment, we were advised that the hard copy of the records would be available in a couple of days. Friday is a full appointment day, and as I looked at the calendar, I could feel myself starting to feel a bit anxious. This time, however, I was able to stop, take a deep breath, and bring myself back to the present. "There's no use in borrowing from Tomorrow's problems for Today," I told myself. There's another mantra in that; let me put it in the back of my mind and let it percolate for a bit. Regardless, I have faith we'll be able to navigate Friday's gauntlet of appointments with ease.

If this is the start of a better personal year, I won't have any complaints. :)

Day 11: on being a year older

My original plan for this blog was to begin on this day, the 16th, since it was my birthday, and document everything that unfolded over the course of the year to come. It became my "odyssey" after I came up with this blog's title as a hashtag on Twitter, and it began ten days earlier instead. Fun fact: the doctors originally set my date of birth on 10/6; my mother, who was actually carrying me, disagreed, saying I would be born 10/17. Guess who was more accurate? ;)

I don't feel any older, and I haven't really felt "older" at any point along the way in my life. What does that mean anyway, to "feel older"? I do feel wiser, though, and I hope to continue growing in Wisdom.

Here's an interesting observation: as horrid as I felt yesterday, today I felt pretty good. As disjointed as yesterday felt, today I felt In Sync and On Point. I was back in the Flow, and some sychronicities popped up to add Sweetness. I also went to Trader Joe's and got some of their Queso (semi-spicy) cheese dip, a small birthday treat for myself.

This leads to my other interesting observation: I'm at the point where I really don't need a big party attended by a ton of friends, eating decadent food, and receiving a huge pile of presents. Some quiet time where I can do a birthday reading for myself, and grab a few birthday treats, while being honored by my loved ones, is more than enough. While it's true that I had some more elaborate birthday plans earlier this year, and that I went through some Resistance when I realized I had to let go of those plans, today - now - I am Content. Besides, Himself promised to spoil me rotten in the near future. ;) Nevertheless, I'm still content. 

Today I have completed another orbit around the sun and began my next orbit. We shall see what this year has in store for me...

Day 10: on walking the tightrope

Mixed emotions today.

I was faced with needing to change plans on the fly, a rude driver on the freeway, getting nowhere trying to navigate an automated phone menu - and then being put on hold forever, feeling the need to eat but needing to do another errand or two to get home...just little annoyances when looked at individually. My challenge is, though I could have let it all go in the past, my capacities for not taking life so seriously have significantly diminished.

Call it a fervent wish for Life to go my way "for once," call it a need to be In Control and On Point at all times, call it being worn down by the vagaries of Fate over the past few years; whatever it is, I know my ability to walk that tightrope by myself has diminished, and that I need a few more cheerleaders on my Pep Squad these days. Himself has been wonderful in this regard, and does his level best to help keep me afloat. I am grateful for that. I think I'm finally ready to start telling my truth faster, as SARK would say. If you're not familiar with her work, look her up. She is amazeballs!

I'm going to conclude here. I'm done with today. Tomorrow will definitely be a better day. :)

Day 9: on doing the shadow work

As I mentioned previously, I started in on journaling around the Heaviness I was experiencing a couple of days ago, in order to unpack what, exactly, was stinking in my thinking. Whereas I would normally wait until the entire process was finished before sharing my results, I was inspired by a video made by a friend about sharing during the messy in-between times, as well as sharing the nice shiny journey when it was all over - and frankly, this whole blog is about sharing during the messy in-between times! So, a bit of sharing the preliminary results of my digging down to find the root, if you will...

The main source of my Stinking Thinking is feeling Overwhelmed by life, whether I'm thinking about what I still have to do around our home in order to get it a bit more "reasonable" (I abandoned the "Grandma Clean" standard a long time ago, trust me!), or whether I find myself carrying the angst of the world upon my shoulders. In the latter case, I seem to have this idea that I (and I alone) need to "transmute the suffering of the world" so that everyone will feel better. I'm not quite sure where I picked up this Goddess complex - heh, I just came up with that - and I'm not quite sure how to drop it Once and For All. Still working on that.

Both of these concepts were part of the Heavies, but neither was ultimately the real root. Beneath these concepts, however, the word Sacrifice suddenly leapt into my mind. I dug a little further, and found the root at last: I have been feeling for some time that I've just been Sacrificing more and more and more of myself - whether financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically, or whatever - and getting nothing in return. It has that "Suffering in Silence" quality to it as well.

I found some resentment towards Himself brewing there, for I don't feel like he's been Sacrificing "as much" as I have. I challenged that resentment immediately: "So how many times have I asked for help on a Social Media platform? or in Real Life, for that matter?" I acknowledged I haven't asked for help near as much as he has, when push has come to shove. "Why not?" I asked next...and I don't have an answer to that question. Yet.

This is where I am now - what is the Block within me that prevents me from asking for help more?

Asking questions and receiving answers, which often lead to more questions, is how I do my Shadow Work. Finding the root of my Stinking Thinking solves half of the puzzle; then I know what I need to do to edit my Story, and how best to go about that. There will be a Part 2 to this, which will arise in the fullness of time. I just need to keep digging, keep writing, and keep percolating.

In the meantime, there is another week to look forward to, with one very special occasion set to unfold on Tuesday. :)

Day 8: on feeling satisfied

First, I am congratulating myself on making it a week with blogging; more, to set up my blog on my little tablet, which I can use to make entries while the TV is on in the other room - and I don't have to feel distracted or upset or whatever.

Second, I'm also satisfied that I got some housework done today: the laundry is done, the kitchen is cleared of recycling and trash, and the dishes are in the dishwasher, which I will start once I finish this entry. It hasn't always been easy to find or generate enough motivation to work on the house, and put things (back) in order, and sometimes it's really super challenging to bust out of the Stinking Thinking and see a task through to completion. Today, order prevailed, for once I can actually GET started, momentum will carry me through to the end.

Today was a calm Autumn day, with rain in the morning and cool breezes in the afternoon. Typical of Southern California, though, a Santa Ana is supposed to be set up by the start of the week. Basically, hot dry desert winds blow in from the north and east, warming everything up and making it feel more like Summer, minus the humidity. I am one of those "weird" people who actually enjoy the heat, so I will be quite satisfied with the weather for my birthday next week.

I also had a good day with the Queen Mother. With Himself out taking care of his business today, mom was able to relax a bit more than usual, sine Himself usually watches "too much" TV, and has the house "too cold" for her to be comfortable. She mentioned lasrt week she wanted to eat a TV dinner, so I found a Hungry Man dinner for her. Yes there are leftovers, but she seemed to enjoy it well enough. After talking about the dinner, I made a note to look for some of the Stouffers dinners she "used to eat all the time." I wonder if she will remember what dhe used to like and not likem or if she'll simply eat what I put down in front of her.

It feels good to conclude here. We shall see what tomorrow brings...

Day 7: on making it through a "heavy" day

I knew from the moment I woke up this morning that it was going to be one of the Heavy days, when Life seems to press down so hard and so completely it took great effort to get even a simple task done. This is the form my Depression takes, when Life lacks even a smidge of excitement, and my interior vision is made up solely of shades of gray. The color of the world doesn't seem to stick.

Each time I tried to do something to emerge from the Heavies, I would make a little progress, then slide back down and in. Tidy up in the home and take out the trash? Nope. Radically cut back on my social media intake? Nope. Get out of the house and go with Himself to the VA? Nope. Finally manage to cross a few things off my to-do list? Nope. Have dinner? Nope. Nothing worked long enough to snap me out of my funk.

I had committed to attend a meeting in the evening, but was not feeling it at all on the way down to San Diego, where the meeting was to take place. I'm glad I went, though, for three reasons: 1) I happened to mention to a dear friend that my Depression was getting the better of me. She was not able to come with us this evening, but she did give Himself a care package to give to me, which contained various flavors of tea - which will come in handy in the Winter months to come. 2) I usually leave the meeting much better than I enter it; tonight was, fortunately, no exception. 3) We had an actual thunderstorm in San Diego proper, and the lightning cut through the tension that had resided within me all day. For each of these reasons, I am grateful.

I have a clearer idea of what felt so Heavy today. I'm going to sit with it and journal on it before I share about it, if y'all don't mind...  

Day 6: on receiving the "all clear"

The good news Himself and I expected to receive today indeed came: he is still in remission and tumor free. They want to see him in Oncology in three months, and would like him to get another PET scan before coming in. The folks in Nuclear Medicine advised us to call in December to schedule his exam in January. In the meantime, we also needed to coordinate with the Gastro-Intestinal department for his next "coming and going" exam, aka a combined Endoscopy + Flexible Sigmoidoscopy day. This we did get scheduled, and it will be at the beginning of March. After a quick-ish trip to the Pharmacy to renew some of his medications, we turned tail and headed home, an early conclusion to a very early morning.

Although the Benefits side of the Veterans Administration can prove to be quite Vexing at times, both of us are deeply grateful and completely satisfied with the Medical side of the VA. They have covered just about everything in Himself's cancer adventure: the diagnostic tests, the surgeries, the chemotherapy, and the follow up appointments and tests. We are only paying for one or two medications the VA won't cover. If they had not been able to cover the expenses, Himself would most likely be dead right now, and/or we'd be so buried in bankruptcy we wouldn't be able to see the light of day for another ten years. This medical stuff that's so necessary definitely isn't cheap...and I'm going to stop right there before I take off on a huge rant. Maybe I'll save it for later. Right now I'm looking forward to going to sleep after I put the Queen Mother to bed. It was, after all, a very early day.

I am, and am not, looking forward to the start of 2019, which looks right now to be filling up rapidly with appointments.

Just a short entry tonight; we'll see what tomorrow brings. I'm outties. :)

Day 5: on receiving support

As I had hoped yesterday, today I made it out to my caregiver support group. This is one of several groups sponsored by the Southern Caregiver Resource Center, an organization unique in that its focus is on providing resouces to the caregiver first, instead of on the loved one who needs care. I have taken advantage of SCRC's many resources over the past 2 1/2 years; their support groups are free and ongoing - no registration required. If you want to, you could attend 2-3 groups per week. After not being able to attend for a few months, I am self-committing to attend one support group per week: the 1st and 3rd Thursdays + the 2nd and 4th Wednesdays.

The caregiver support group has become a safe place for me...I am part of a circle of people who can totally relate to my trials and tribulations, as I can (more and more) relate to theirs. We provide one another the listening ear, wihout judgment or criticism. We share our hard-won experience, strength, and hope. If someone has a question about caregiving for their loved one, there is almost certainly someone else who has an answer, and the facilitator from SCRC is always there to help with access to resources.

Today I was the "newbie" in the group, though there was one other who had arrived the week before me. We commiserated over the challenges of caring for our loved ones, particularly if Dementia is involved (which I have found is an all too common denominator). As one of the other participants noted, "there always seems to be someone who has it worse than you." After this meeting, I walked out grateful that the Queen Mother wasn't even worse off, mentally - though that may yet come in the future.

I received the unexpected gift of some downtime as I waited for Himself to come and pick me up, since he had gone to help one of his friends with some necessary transportation while I circled in group. So I walked to the large mall across the street from the meeting place, and treated myself to a tall green tea frappuccino, which I enjoyed outside, in the waning of the warm days. We are actually expecting some RAIN in the forecast, and the temperature will be dipping a bit. I had just about finished the frappuccino when Himself pulled up, and after a quick caffeine reload for him, we were off to a spot of grocery shopping, then home for dinner.

Finally done with my day, I am winding down. Tomorrow has another trip to the VAMC, and the all-important oncology report. I am expecting continued good news, but I/we will happily accept good thoughts and prayers.

Day 4: on balancing time commitments

Today was a more "typical" day for us, as far as the quality of our days go...

After we got up in the morning (and fed the cats), I helped the Queen Mother assemble her breakfast. I grabbed things out of the fridge and carried her bowl and tea mug to the dining room table, for mom is unstable on her feet and needs to hold on to her canes for balance. I got her chair ready to sit in and opened the curtains behind her so the sunlight could illuminate her dining area.

Once Queen Mother was squared away, Himself and I set about fixing our breakfasts and finishing the process of waking up. I got in a quick shower, and we set off to our "home away from home," aka the Veterans Administration Medical Center. Since his cancer diagnosis, we've had numerous trips down to the VAMC, so many that 1) I can put the car on autopilot to drive down there, and 2) I could find my way around inside the hospital blindfolded. Today there were a pair of routine appointments on the docket: a port access with bloodwork to be drawn for lab analysis (for his next oncology appointment on Thursday), and a follow up visit with the pain clinic to make sure his pain management was on track. We're trying to see if the VA will cover future chiropractic visits for him after his Personal Injury treatment is finished...and for those of you joining this journey who aren't in the know via Facebook, it's a story I will share at another time. We also got the written report of the CT scan he had this past Sunday (another piece of the Personal Injury puzzle), and stopped by the Neurology department to see if there is an appointment available before January 30th, 2019. That is to be determined, as he was told to expect a phone call sometime this week.

I go with Himself to his VAMC appointments to help him answer the questions his doctors ask him, since he has Traumatic Brain Injury, and is challenged with dates and times. I also go with him so we can take advantage of the carpool lane that runs in the center of I-15, which is a necessity coming home; otherwise, he would either be stuck in the Commuter traffic, which starts up somewhere between 3-4pm on weekdays, or he would have to pay a pretty penny to use the carpool lane during peak hours - which can get up to $9 one way - before it goes "HOV Only," meaning there must be at least one other passenger in the car if you want to use the carpool lane, no exceptions. We returned home just a bit after 4pm, and I switched back to helping the Queen Mother, this time getting her dinner assembled and carried out to the table.

My husband needs my support. My mother needs my support. Though Himself rarely complains about the situation, Queen Mother often tries to play the guilt card: talking about how "lonely" she is when I'm not there, or complaining about the house being a mess "because nobody is home to clean it up," among other things. To be fair, she feels challenged by her physical disabilities, more so as she gets older, and I suspect that there are times she gets jealous of Himself because she has to "share" me with him after my many years of being a Singleton. Some days I can let her complaints slide, and reassure her that I won't abandon her, and that I'm doing the best I can. Other days, I get short tempered and resentful, and I retreat to be alone in my room for a time, lest I unleash my anger upon her. It's a fine line to walk some days, and that's even before I consider where my energy levels are, and whether I need to support myself, and what I need to do to support myself.

Today wasn't a bad day in that regard; everyone got their needs met, and I'm satisfied overall. If I could string a few days like this together, it would help...but tomorrow might be different. Fortunately I have an opportunity to attend a Caregiver Support group tomorrow, so I'll check in after I get home and speak on that...or maybe I'll speak about something else. We shall see.

Day 3: on decluttering and downsizing

After I finished up yesterday's post, I returned to a project that has been ongoing for a while: decluttering the master bedroom in our home (where Himself and I sleep). One thing about depression is that there are times when I really don't want to Do Anything, so the bedroom got rather bad with clutter and mess. I've been cleaning it up by degrees, and got a lot of work done yesterday. The floor in front of our bed is visible again! and one can get to the side door now!

The Queen Mother and I moved into our current home just before New Year's, 2000. We went from a decent sized, 3 bedroom 2 bath home into a 2 bedroom, 2 bath condo just under 1000 square feet. We did a lot of downsizing then, and still left a lot behind. As time as gone on, more of the upkeep has shifted to my shoulders - and then our shoulders, when Himself joined us in the condo in 2013. Between his cancer adventure, Queen Mother's diminishing capacities, and my depression...well, things got chaotic. It didn't get Hoarder-level bad (though Queen Mother might disagree with that), but we are definitely planning to get some help with keeping up the condo once our financial situation improves. In the meantime, when the prospect of decluttering and reorganizing stuff doesn't seem too overwhelming - and sometimes it does, as I wonder if I'm ever going to get back on top of things when I'm in Stinking Thinking mode - I manage to carve out pockets of Order in the Chaos, one part of one room at a time.

I'm not alone in this.

At the start of the year, the Queen Mother had two brothers. The younger of the two brothers passed away last Sunday, on September 30th. (If you follow along on Facebook, you'll know this.) We went to visit my aunt/his widow today...and she has a monumental task in front of her. Their house was a bit larger than our original one, and they had three kids they raised and watched fly out of the nest. Decades of memories and items are still present there, and she needs to downsize radically in order to move into an Independent Living facility. Her room is slightly more than half the size of the condo we live in! We managed to take home a few things today, and we've called dibs on a few things we need to figure out how to transport home. She's a bit overwhelmed and slightly panicked at the enormity of the task, but she seems to be keeping her composure quite well. We've offered to help schlep stuff as needed.

As I type these words onto the screen, the sense of I'm Not Alone In This arises in my mind, and I can breathe just a little easier. If my aunt can summon up the gumption to whittle a lifetime down to Essentials, perhaps I can be inspired to sort through the things that have informed my life up to this point and get a little sleeker, and clutter-free. Wish me luck.

Day 2: on where I put my attention

Let me start this off by saying, I am a writer. I have not been focusing on writing anything for publication lately, but I have been journaling extensively. One of my practices (which I would like to bring a little more consistency to!) is writing Morning Pages during the early part of my day. I found a little gem today that I wanted to bring here...

In today's Pages, I found myself writing about Where I Am Putting My Attention. I realized that as a caregiver, my attention is all too often on the chaos around me: why is the Queen Mother yelling for me? Why is Himself needing me? Oh yes, it's time to feed the cats. Oh Goddess, what are they talking about on the TV now? (This last one is usually my signal to go into my room and play soothing music on Pandora.) I find myself putting more of my attention on the Chaos that is surrounding me and less of my attention on my needs, my thoughts, my self-care practices. Then I wonder why I get cranky and resentful.

When I do focus my attention on myself, I often run into what I call "Stinking Thinking" - I'm obsessing about our finances, or why is the Queen Mother being so pissy, or what Himself should have done instead of what he did do, or trying to figure out how to squeeze One More Chore on the to-do list, or obsessing about our finances - you get the idea. Is it any wonder that I need to find a distraction in the Chaos around me?! It takes an effort to shift OUT of Stinking Thinking and IN to considering Self-Care...what would best soothe and recenter me: coloring a mandala? Journaling? A good shake in the shower to get all of the Energetic Gunk out of my system? Going for a walk?

So with this wee reminder that I tend to focus on Chaos first, regardless of whether it's outside or inside, I can use the question, "Where Am I Putting My Attention?" as a prompt to redirect myself from the useless noisy Chaos and find something more Orderly, look in my toolbox of Self-Care, and choose something from that to consider instead. I know I have gotten way out of practice with Self-Care, and I need to get back into regular trips to the well of Self-Care if I'm going to make it through this odyssey.

Here's a small confession: I have forgotten So Much of what I used to do for Self-Care. It's like when I started taking this whole caregiving task seriously, all of my previous learning and research and  Wisdom went completely out the window. It's like my Journey of Spirit was erased in one swift stroke, and I went back to being an "ordinary" woman trying to cope with extraordinary demands, because Cancer and Dementia demand ALL of your attention, and then some! Now I am trying to regather the pieces of myself to see what is still here, what is salvageable, and what I need to toss. I am starting from Square One all over again, with this blog, with my Morning Pages, with a bare bones morning routine, and now with a prompt. Where Am I Putting My Attention now? and now? and oh yes, now?

Day 1: an introduction

So I had a blog for many years called "Dancing in the Sky." Over the last two years or so, I had not been updating it very much, if at all. Life threw me a significant curve ball: in 2016, my husband (who I will refer to as "Himself" on the blog) was diagnosed with Colon Cancer. After two surgeries, the doctors determined it was Stage 4 Colon Cancer, which is generally not good. He signed up for an aggressive chemotherapy regimen for six months, which ended in January 2017. He is now In Remission (insert happy face here) and will be officially diagnosed as Cancer Free in about three more years.

I thought I would have a nice long time to recover from that and resume my intended trajectory in life, but no: February 2017 saw my mother (henceforth known as the "Queen Mother") diagnosed with a DVT (deep blood clot) in her left leg. She was put on Xarelto, and it was gone by October 2017. In the meantime, it became rather apparent that her mind was unravelling at a fair clip - forgetting dates and words, having great difficulty with short term memory, and key items like her address, phone number, Social Security number, and so forth. My energy switched from taking care of Himself to taking care of her. Since her initial medical adventure, she's also had a lovely bout of shingles. Add these things on top of her lifelong disability challenges, and more recent rheumatoid arthritis, and you can see that she's become quite the handful...and of course she wants to stay home, Aging In Place, for as long as she possibly can.

Right after Himself's cancer diagnosis, I thought I could take care of them both, AND hold down a full-time job. A total mental and emotional breakdown convinced me otherwise. Now I am the Queen Mother's caregiver, and I keep an eye on Himself, since he also has TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury, from several concussions, some very gnarly) and needs help in remembering stuff. There are times when I truly am taking care of two people, and it has taken a toll: for the last three-ish years, I've been dealing with Situational Depression. Basically, this means that it came on recently, due to my situation (caregiving + no job + financial challenges + my nasty tendency to isolate and solve problems "by myself" + being a total Control Freak. Oh yes, and shall we mention the miscarriage I had in 2015?). Trust me when I tell you, Situational Depression is just as nasty and horrible and pitch-black as any other species of depression out there.

You can see now why I haven't been blogging a whole lot over the past few years.

One of the bright lines that has guided me through the navigation of these Dim waters has been the blogging of Maitri Libellule. Her frank account of her triumphs and tribulations have been an absolute balm in the worst of times, helping me to remember that no, I'm not going batshit crazy, and more, that I'm NOT alone in navigating Dim waters. Last year, she set herself a gentle challenge: to blog every day for an entire year. She recently completed that challenge and invited others to do the same, as she embarks on a new journey. I chose to accept this challenge and blog alongside.

My goal in this challenge is to achieve some Consistency in my life...if I can show up here, each day, and do one blog post each day, for a year, I might get some Stability in my life that I've been lacking. With greater Stability might just come greater Reconnection, to my Motivation/Desire to Do Things (like Housework and Getting Out Into Nature), and/or to a Sense of Purpose in my life (instead of feeling like I'm in limbo and have no bloody clue as to how to emerge from it). In other words, I'm QUITE Done with the "status quo" as it has been to this point, and this just might be the ticket to start changing it.

Here is where I will advise - I will be frank. I will aim for Transparency in my posts. I will use colorful language now and again (I am married to a Sailor, after all!). I may occasionally sound repetitive, especially if I'm dealing with a chronic issue, for I'm going to be chewing on the odd bone until I snap it apart with a solution. I will post this again periodically to refresh the memory.

So if I haven't scared you off, or bored you, or whatever, come along with me on my Grand Odyssey, as I chronicle my next year or so as a Caregiver, and perhaps hit upon other topics along the way. :)