Today was not a day to move mountains after all. When I checked in with myself, I really wanted to rest, so that's what I did. There's always another day to fight battles in the outside world.
Instead, I did some writing , which provided me a snapshot of my thoughts...and they happened to be filled with Stinking Thinking. They were also an extension of the writing that had emerged on Sunday; I knew I had to pay attention when my first sentence was, I hate caregiving! To sum up what I wrote today: I'm feeling like I had a shot to realize my Dreams, but I didn't have the courage to manifest them fully. Now, I'm living out my "punishment" of taking care of my mother, alone.
I know from past Shadow Work that I have challenges arising from parental Shadows, and that a lot of my challenges around relating to/with my mom involve my identity as an Individual Person, versus "just" being my mother's daughter - a dance informed and complicated by being an Only child. How much do I owe her for birthing and caring for me as I grew up? How much do I owe myself to live my best life and pursue my dreams, now that I am an adult? Finding the balance between these two poles is tricky at best, and this dilemma is complicated by the notion that I have NO idea how long the Queen Mother will be around. Aside from osteoarthritis (and a body shaped by rickets), she's actually in good health...so she could live for another three, five, ten years, or even longer. Her mother lived to 95, and she's only 76!
With this knowledge, I look at the words that spilled upon the page today and I see a story that needs to be rewritten. For better and for worse, I am my mother's caregiver right now. I do not want to be one of the 40% (at least) of caregivers whose lives are shortened, or even prematurely ended, by the stress caregiving can bring. So as the moon comes to fullness, I can consider the rewriting of my Caregiving story, and the rewiring of my Lone Wolf attitude!
The caregiving journey isn’t easy, for sure, and it brings up so many things. It’s remarkable my sister and I made it through my mom’s long disability, and the aftermath, and somehow have kept and rebuilt what never were strong bonds.
ReplyDeleteSending so much energy and compassion to you — you definitely need to focus on how you can sustain your own creativity and passion while in the day to day demands.
The moon is special in October — may it send you all healing light.
No advice only acknowledgement of the road you are traveling. Keep asking the questions. You will find your answers. In the interim, take lots of self care. ❤️ I can only imagine how difficult this is.
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