Day 177: on a sunday with some swerves

We made it to our Support Group today, despite Himself scaring the bejeezus out of me a couple of times en route. He drove a cab for 20 years, off and on, and let's just say it shows significantly now and again. Our group, as usual, was lovely. One of the members now brings an assortment of squishy stress balls, some more squishy than others, and I have taken to using them to decrease my stress, and increase my hand strength.

Then Himself and I got into discussing our schedule for tomorrow, and what needed to be done tomorrow, and I went into a full-blown panic attack, once again envisioning trying to stuff ten pounds of (scheduling) potatoes into a five pound sack. I settled down somewhat after eating dinner, and after further discussion, we agreed to tackle part of that to-do list today instead of waiting for tomorrow. Except for the cable company's office being closed today, we were successful.

The source of my panic was seeing my desire to visit the ocean being steadily chipped away by all of the errands that needed to be run. I know that I need a break, especially after today, not even 24 hours after decompressing from the previous week! My challenge is to prioritize my Self-Care and holding it as something just as important as any appointment or errand - if not MORE important in some cases. With the shifting of some of our errands to tonight, I am now back on track to visiting the ocean tomorrow.

So, I will be looking over everything once more, and plotting accordingly. Himself has appointments tomorrow and Tuesday, and then the days are free for the rest of the week. There is also a chance of rain in the forecast starting on Wednesday, so we have a very good reason for shifting from an outward focus (appointments and errands) to an inward one (tackling the kitchen and maybe some more decluttering). 

With any luck, Himself's VA attorney will be presenting his case before the Board of Veteran's Affairs tomorrow or Tuesday, so we can start that final ball rolling - and calculate just how far away the summit of the mountain is. Pray for us, if you would. 

Day 125: on the clouds returning

I'm not sure what set me off - if it was my "inability" to get going quick enough, or the Queen Mother's desire to postpone the trip to the Social Security office until tomorrow, or the fact that I finally got the proper paperwork filled out to request mom's medical records today, and sent it all off today, or the idea that I wouldn't find what I was looking for in these records, or a combination of all of these - whatever it was, I became overwhelmed by the idea of jumping through this set of hoops, and I wound up having a panic attack over it all.

*Le Sigh*

Then there was the need to get money out of my account at the credit union, and the fact that there won't be enough money to cover one of my bills (so I will have to see if I can negotiate something), and the realization that I will need to play "musical bills" for a month or two, in that These Bills get paid this month, and Those Bills will be paid next month, and I have no idea about when I'm going to get to the ones sulking in the corner...

Again, *Le Sigh*

Yet we have an update: all indications are pointing to Late March/Early April for news as to what ALL the decisions for Himself's outstanding cases will be, if not actual payment at that point. Making it to that point, by hook or by crook - aye, there's the rub! Then there is also the question, what happens if this latest "due date" gets delayed Yet Again? Can I stand yet more disappointment? I'm beyond ready for this uncertainty to be over and done with. Period.

At least I made it to my Caregiver Support Group tonight. I was able to vent, I will be receiving information about getting a definitve diagnosis for the Queen Mother next meeting, and I was assured that things could be Far Worse than they are now. Praying for some of my affected siblings tonight!

So tomorrow I try again to get all the balls rolling in the same direction. Once more unto the breach, as the Bard said.

And Once More, *Le Sigh* :p

Day 26: on putting myself back together

It would be safe to say the day did not go as planned.

After my Morning Pages, but before breakfast, I checked my bank app to make sure some money Himself had deposited into my account had indeed arrived. Well, it had, but not before a check had bounced, one which I thought would go through today instead of yesterday, since I had not seen it Pending. But the cashing of the check had been attempted, it had failed, and "once again" I was dinged with an NSF fee. Sure, I can cover the check, but "once again," there are also other bills due, and "once again," I'm going to be all but broke before a week has passed. I could feel myself sliding down into Depression - but I chose to push forward.

I took a shower and got myself dressed. I advised Himself that I was ready to head out, and off we went. As we were getting ready to leave the main interstate highway for the state highway, Himself had to slam on the brakes because traffic ahead of us was coming to abrupt standstill; we later saw that a bus and a car had pulled to the side of the overpass connecting the two freeeways, and CHP was there as well.

Here's the thing: we didn't get into an accident, but I was looking down at the time; though we stopped, I felf myself moving forward, and all but saw/felt the airbag deploy. Here's the other thing: this was our second Near Miss in as many weeks.

So when we stopped at a Starbucks halfway between home and Questhaven, I was totally dialed in to Flight Mode, and I could NOT go forward in the day anymore. When I tried to talk myself out of it, I went into a full-blown Panic Attack instead.

I absolutely Do NOT break down and cry hysterically in public, unless I'm in the car. Inside the Starbucks, though, I came very close to losing it completely. At least I had the presence of mind to recognize my distress as a Panic Attack - maybe the second (or third?) time in my life I've experienced one. So we sat quietly for a time, Himself and I, attending to our respective beverages, until I had composed myself enough to walk out the door again.

Sometimes you push through. Sometimes you fall back. Sometimes you can figure out a compromise, and that's what I did...before we returned to the normal routines of the day, we paid a quick visit to Kit Carson Park, and the duck pond that I love so much. We managed a half an hour there in total. Today, an egret was paying a visit to the pond, viz:

Even though this wasn't the Big Outing in Nature I had promised myself, this small slice proved enough to soothe my jarred spirits for today. I have also rescheduled my Big Outing for next Wednesday, when the timing feels equally fortuitous, if not a bit more so. :)

I finished my business in the outside world with a bit of grocery shopping, grabbing some food & necessities while we had the cash to do so. I even treated myself to some cucumber sushi and seaweed salad for a late lunch. I have since eaten dinner and will soon be coloring one of my mandalas, gentle music playing via Pandora, and Pippa by my side. Thus I finish the process of Putting Myself Back Together, for today.

I am grateful for the flexibility to change my plans when the need arises. I am grateful we're okay and the car is okay. I am grateful for black tea with lemonade and healthy tasty things. I am grateful for the presence of the duck pond so close to home. I am grateful that tomorrow is a new day. I count my Blessings, and I am complete.