updates & picking up some pieces

This was one of those get-banged-up-and-slide-over-the-finish-line-sideways months.

Good news: I got my 24 hours of Respite in. :) I checked into a nearby, but not too near by, hotel on the 12th and stayed overnight, checking out on the 13th. I soaked in their hot tub under the full moon and in the mists as hot water met cold air. They offered a free breakfast, which I took advantage of, and enjoyed an hourlong, uninterrupted breakfast. When I left, I was downright blissy.

Bad news: This last week has been particularly rough, as my lower back seized up (again) and I got a head cold pretty much simultaneously, while still in the Moontime! My back is now good and I am getting over the cold. Today was the first day after several where I didn't feel like I was trying to reach down to touch my diaphragm and hack up a lung. :p

The "WTAF" moment comes courtesy of the County of San Diego: I turned in the 

Queen Mother's paperwork for her Medi-Cal and her CalFresh (food stamps) on the same day. They have since sent me three notices of her Medi-Cal Share of Cost going up, while simultaneously calling to inform me that they don't have her CalFresh form! As she was only getting $16 per month, I realized that I was getting angry over pretty much nothing. As the Cost of Living Adjustments both she and Himself are getting for the next year total more than that, I'm letting this situation go entirely. I am so completely over the bumbling incompetence!

As for the Queen Mother: her bloodwork results came back right after my last post; no surprise they turned out Absolutely Normal. So: no official Dementia diagnosis, and we slog on, with a little more money going forward. She has been complaining about being cold "all the time," and we are having a mild Winter, comparatively speaking. She has also been taking to bed for a post-breakfast "nap," more often than  not, since I had my Respite. Physically, she's slipped a little more downhill, as her body catches up to her mind, which continues to lose words and comprehension by degrees. :(

Himself thinks he will be getting his personal injury settlement from his rear-ender sometime this next month. The current challenge is the hardball the insurance companies for the other involved parties are playing. Negotiations are ongoing. In DC, meanwhile, his Veteran's attorneys are planning to get him classified as "Totally and Permanently Disabled," which comes with its own set of perks. After that is done, they plan to ask after the Carpal Tunnel decision: why did the VA go back to 2015 in its award, and not back to 1993, especially when there is evidence to support the latter date? That is the new million dollar question. There are also some access privileges he will be getting at military exchanges starting tomorrow, so that might be worth exploring.

A funny thing has happened as I have rested my back and coughed through my cold: I find the Heaviness has lifted from my spirit, the Depression has dissolved, and I am feeling some Hope for the first time in a while. It seems to be a bit more than the excitement over starting a new year & new decade. I am finding myself in a similar place to where I was at the end of 1997/start of 1998: very familiar with Shadows in Darkness, and desiring to cultivate a "lighter side" to my personality. In the spirit of Beginning Again, SARK's Living Juicy will be by my side once again as I wend my way through the days of 2020, definitely older, perhaps wiser. Yes, there will be some Ceremony tonight and tomorrow!

I also have some things to look forward to - Star Trek: Picard in a few weeks, and Wonder Woman 1984 next Summer. Both of the preview trailers look Awesome! ...and now you know two of my favorite things. I am a total Next Generation Trekker, and I watched Diana's adventures when she was played by Lynda Carter, way back in the day. I will be catching up with her current iteration on TNT sometime in the next month. ;)

I'm not a huge one for making New Year's Resolutions these days, but one Intention I will declare is to blog a bit more often here. To be honest, there have been times when I have wanted to, these past few weeks, but haven't, because I didn't want to sound like I'm kvetching and whining all of the time. With the clearing of my mind, perhaps I will be able to talk without it turning into a pity party...

Day 337: on a good outcome

Himself and I did not get to the VA Medical Center when we had planned, but not for lack of trying; his mind was willing, but his body was another matter. We arrived at the Emergency Room at about 11am, two hours later than what we had aimed for.

The good news: we were there for "only" 5 1/2 hours.
The better news: we were able to make his usual Saturday evening meeting in a timely fashion.
The best news: there are no blood clots or other worriesome developments. He did not need to be admitted (which we were both anticipating), nor did he need any horrid procedures to be done upon his legs (which we were also both anticipating). He has a pharmacy appointment on Monday, wherein he will be exploring Life-Without-a-Statin options. We have already found some promising leads in that regard.

While passing time in the Emergency Room, I managed to get a small salad of lettuce, kale, cranberries, almonds, and parmesan cheese slices, which I had with some peanut butter pretzels. I got Himself some cracker "sandwiches" and granola bars, because of his lack of a colon. Then the nurse brought us some turkey sandwiches; I gave Himself my turkey and ate his and my lettuce and tomato in a quasi-veggie sandwich. We both made up for the slender pickings after the meeting, with some very tasty Greek food, even if I wound up bringing home half of my dinner in a box for tomorrow. :q

Both of us are happy that there wasn't anything terrible (not) circulating in his legs, and that he will improve as he moves the statin out of his body. We are intending to attend our Sunday support group tomorrow, but will see, depending on how Himself's leg feels.

Day 327: on venturing out once more

Today flowed nicely, and I am grateful for that. :)

I managed to accompany Himself to his latest Cardiac session, and finally got an opportunity to move my muscles. Needed to make a few adjustments since I'm a bit out of practice, but I felt like I had accomplished good things when I was done. I walked on the fancy treadmill at the end of my session, and was entertained by watching a video of walking on the beach. I'll take this option over plain old TV any day of the week.

We had enough time between the session and Himself's appointment at the Pain Clinic to get some lunch. He got a chicken sandwich; I got a black bean burger with all the fixings and some salt-and-vinegar chips to go with it. I love salt-and-vinegar chips. They might not be number one all the time, but they're definitely in my top three.

Then it was a (roughly) five minute drive from Scripps La Jolla to the VA Medical Center, where we totally lucked out in finding a parking spot at the front of the facility. The disabled license plates do come in handy sometimes. It was a new physician Himself spoke with today, so there was a little more review than usual of Himself's previous medical visit. In the end, we're going to see if we can't get the VA to pay for some more chiropractic sessions, probably get a bit more physical therapy for Himself's shoulder, and see about free Yoga for Veterans. That would be nice.

We got home in a reasonable time this afternoon, and I prepared the Queen Mother's dinner as usual, then went and laid down to rest my back (speaking of chiropractic visits, I need to schedule a few for myself). When I was finally ready for dinner, I was content to have a nice big salad, mixing in some baby greens and mushrooms to the remains of a veggie antipasto salad Himself had brought home for me a few days ago. It was all very tasty.

Tomorrow I will be going with Himself to a social luncheon tomorrow to meet with friends. I am getting back into circulation and it feels lovely. :)

Day 320: on another plot twist

While I was with the Queen Mother in Urgent Care yesterday, Himself called me, quite excited. I had to call him back, and of course, my phone promptly died, so I had to wait until we all got back in the car together. It seems the VA threw him a bone, and put some money into his bank account early yesterday. They also finally acknowledged the carpal tunnel in his left hand and upped his service connection.

This is why we could be found today down in San Diego paying our significant bills, you know, for things like property taxes. We also had to mail his DC attorney their share of the money, unfortunately, but for the first time in a long while, I feel like I can take a full deep breath, even in the middle of my Moontime.

The VA administrators hope he will be satisfied with this and quit fighting. There are, however, several issues still to be resolved:

1) They acknowledged the carpal-tunnel, true; but he is Left-Handed, and the carpal tunnel is worse in his Left Hand, but he still has a greater rating in his Right Hand.

2) They gave him back pay to 2015; he has records indicating carpal tunnel in both hands all the way back to 1993. That's 22 years' worth of back pay, folks!

3) With all of the ratings for his various maladies, he should be at 100%, not 90%. He wants the actuarial math to be reviewed. Getting to 100% service connection gives him some additional perks, besides a larger pension - free dental through the VA, forgiveness of his student loans, and the ability to get me insurance. 

Himself talked to his attorney and both are in agreement: this windfall is nice, but it's only a bone. We will be pressing on.

In the meantime, his personal injury attorney is getting together the materials for the demand letter for compensation for the auto accident he was in last July. Once that money comes in, we just might have the last steps in place to make it to the finish line in this part of the Odyssey. 

It's not the post I really wanted to make, but it feels damn good to have bills PAID, and have a little bit left over. :)

Day 291: on clearing a path through

We actually got up and going in plenty of time to make it down to San Diego to the Compensation and Pension building, so well that we were actually a few minutes early for once. I had taken my mandala coloring book, but my mind was not in the mood to cooperate, so I wound up looking at all of the pretty pages I had already colored instead.

When Himself was called back, the doctor who met us at least appeared to be sympathetic to our cause, especially when he shared that both of his parents had been forced to "correct" their left-handedness when they were growing up, which is still one of the stupidest things I have ever heard of. After half an hour of questioning, along with a brief examination of both Himself and his records, the doctor sounded pretty confident that Himself would indeed be Certified in his left hand - and that the Carpal Tunnel was indeed traceable back to his time in active duty in the Navy. 

After we left the Compensation and Pension folks, it was off to breakfast at Denny's. We had just enough to get some coffee (for Himself) and tea (for Myself) and a short stack of pancakes for each of us, thanks to their "cheap eats" menu. As we were waiting for our pancakes, Himself's Veteran's attorney called, and they discussed the situation. The next step will be for the VA to send Himself a Statement of the Case, which he will share with the attorney, and then the next round of arguing can begin.

Himself had more Club business to attend to, and I was not really feeling up to accompanying him on adventures that might not finish in a timely manner. I honored my No by voicing it, and he honored my No by taking me home. The Queen Mother was finishing up her breakfast when we arrived, then Himself went back down to the Club.

While mom went online to read and respond to her emails, then played some Solitaire, I had myself my promised nap. I woke up in time to help her with her shower, which she takes once a week; more often is too painful for her these days. Once she had lotion applied to her back and legs, I thought I would go back to napping, but it seems I was good to go, so I did a bit of Shadow Work instead through some timed writing exercises. I have felt so frustrated by Ambiguity in my life, I wanted to find out Why. I found the real cause of my frustrations, and have some new prompts to work with. More to be revealed later...

I finished up in time for dinner for everyone, cats and people alike, and wound up having spaghetti (with a side salad; I try to have a salad with most every dinner) this evening. Himself came home a bit earlier than usual, so it's been a restful evening. We shall see what wants to unfold tomorrow, and whether any plans need to change.

Day 269: on passing the buck

Be advised, there is some coarse language in this one.

Himself got a judgment from DC.

The judge did not look at the addendum.

The judge said since the (San Diego VA) Region messed up in the first place, it was on the Region to fix their decision.

The judgment calls for all pertinent medical records to be provided to the region, and to have an "expert" evaluate Himself's condition and say "in his opinion," is this an injury that was sustained during active combat.

How fucking hard is it to admit that y'all made a mistake and man up and correct it?!

Oh right - to correct your error means you would need to pay out MONEY, which you would rather spend on shiny new weapons you probably won't be able to use anyway, and why pay money to a veteran who has a "terminal" diagnosis and will probably die "any day now"!

The level of Patriarchal Bureaucratic Bullshitting here is mind-numbing.

Make no mistake, Himself will continue to fight this, and I will be by his side, even if we wind up going to DC so he can argue his case before the goddamn Supreme Court if necessary! 

In the meantime, we need to do some major scrambling to see if we can get ANY extra help at all, and a Chapter 13 bankruptcy filing may be our only solution.

Needless to say, I crushed it on several of the exercise devices during our workout today. I also chose to load up the dishwasher rather than sit around and feel sorry for myself. 

I'm also glad I started thinking about Acting As If we might not get any money at all at the end of May, so when this blow came, it did not send me into a complete tailspin. 

Still, I'm not happy.

Bloody Hell...or as Himself would say, Shit, Piss, and Corruption!

Day 257: on mixing and (minor) miracles

We started the day early with a run to our local recycling center to turn in Himself's fizzy flavored water bottles. I gave the cashier three pennies so she could give me eleven dollars; not bad for a full bin and two bags! This provided some much needed cash for later grocery shopping.

From there, we went down to the VA Medical Center to participate in their Cancer Survivor Mixer, complete with information tables, a snack bar, and some nice swag for the veterans. Since I journal a lot, I'm always on the lookout for pens, and I like the ones that have a rubber grip to them, as I tend to grip my pens quite firmly. I scored a couple of them today.

Himself had an opportunity to say hello to some of the doctors, nurses, and techs who we had met at the start of his cancer experience, but the most opportune meeting with with the Social Worker. She gave us a list of resources to look through (including some key Financial ones) and advised Himself to be re-evaluated for Aid and Attendance - a monthly stipend for Veterans to hire someone to help care for them. In this case, I would be the Paid Caregiver. We have some new leads to research! :)

Once the mixer was over, we went to his eye appointment. We were there at least an hour before we were actually seen, as the joint was apparently jumping quite a bit. He did not want to get his pupils dilated, as he was complaining of a bit of sinus pressure behind his eyes, and he was concerned that if he went through with the dilation, the extra light would trigger a migraine. So we scheduled a follow-up appointment in September. A relatively quick trip to the Pharmacy followed, to collect some new moisturizing eye drops, as Himself's eyes were diagnosed as "very dry" (using the scientific term) ;)

As it became apparent that he would not have time to work out at the Cardiac Treatment Center today, since it was after three when we were finally done, and we had to consider traffic, we chose to go home instead. We made a couple of stops en route, at Target (for the Queen Mother's hot dogs) and Trader Joe's (for other necessities). I chose to use food we had been saving at home over buying more at TJ's, so the actual total was a wee bit less than I had calculated. Yay me.

Everyone was rather hungry by the time we got home, so the getting of the cat food was postponed till after dinner, which was okay. I was not able to find all of the flavors they liked, which would have ordinarily bummed me out, but today was actually a good thing, for again, I spent less money than expected. Yay me.

Tomorrow Himself has an appointment with the Cardiac Center's dietician, to see if he can get advice on what to eat as a semicolon, aka someone who had a great deal of his colon removed due to cancer. There is also a Caregiver Support Group  in the evening, and damn skippy I will be attending!

It occurred to me earlier this evening: slowly but surely, I am working my way out of the rut once more and inching my way forward. Things are ever so slightly lighter than they were even at the start of the month. To quote a bit of literature that I read on the daily: "Slowly, new persons emerge. Change is Taking Place."

Day 256: on lenses and lightening up

The cats ate very well late last night, and what's more, they kept the food down! I did a happy dance when I woke up this morning, right after I called the vet to cancel their appointments. The fumigation stressed them out more than I thought, so if possible, we're going to hire a cat / house sitter whenever we need to be away for an extended period of time.

The happy dance was tempered a bit because the right lens of my glasses kept popping out of the frame. Relying on one good eye to see the world was marginally better than having one focused eye vs. one blurry eye, which threatened to give me a headache really quick, so I wound up wrapping an old grocery receipt around the frame so I only needed to worry about the one good eye.

To add a bit of spice to the morning, Inkblot brought in a fledgling mourning dove (I believe), which I managed to separate from the cat and put in a safe place to fly off - except it didn't fly off. An hour and a half later, it was still sitting in the same spot. Fortunately, we have a wildlife rescue through the San Diego Humane Society, and there was a vet close by that gladly accepted the fledgling. Hopefully it can be rehabilitated.

I got to the eye doctor after Himself's chiropractic appointment, and the wayward lens was popped back into place and secured. It was nice to be able to see again! Himself dropped me off at home before heading down to San Diego for a Board Meeting of the Club he is a volunteer at, he's the Secretary of said Board.

At that point, I had a choice: veg out or take out the trash, because it was smelling like an open (raw) sewer. I took out the trash, which led to some recycling, which led to some tidying up around the recycling area. It looks like tomorrow will be a good day to recycle the empty plastic bottles of flavored fizzy water that have built up, so we will see if we can pencil that in for tomorrow. (Himself loves his flavored fizzy water; I suppose I should be happy he drinks it as much as he does, or he wouldn't get hydrated at all!)

I also took the time to sit down and look at the set of to-do lists I had made up for each room of the house, along with the two patios we have. They didn't need any updating; they just need doing. Additionally, I sat down and got out of my head and onto paper what "adminstrative" tasks need to be done (and prioritized them), along with what needed to be tackled in the patio, which is equal parts jungle and junkyard. That is going to be tackled piecemeal, as I feel up to it and as weather permits. (I'm not so much concerned about rain as I am about heat, since the hottest months of the year are just around the corner. I may be a Jaguar, but I'm not stupid.)

It wasn't until I had turned that corner today and stopped to look back that I realized just how Heavy my Depression had been. It had really settled in late Sunday night, had been exacerbated by my Monday headache, and didn't really dissipate till this afternoon. The old tape of What's the Use? and Why Bother? had been running through my head. and it wasn't until I chose to get active and take out the trash and recycling that it finally loosened it's grip.

Good thing I worked it out of my system, because we seem to be in a holding pattern in DC: the staff at the Board of Veteran's Appeals is once again getting ready to submit Himself's case to a judge. Apparently they had to Drop Everything and convert about 1500 pages of medical evidence into a suitable PDF after Himself's attorney submitted it as an "addendum."  Why they didn't do this previously, I have no idea. Basically, the mists finally parted - to reveal yet another mountain to climb at the summit of the one we had just finished climbing. We have no firm timetable, though Himself's attorney believes the case will be resolved "in less than a year."

This is why both of us are going to start seeking out sources of financial aid. Himself will cover the Veteran's side of the coin, and I'm going to cover the Disabled Senior side of the coin. Our error in judgment was in Waiting Until the Money Came, and it's now become super apparent that we can no longer wait. We need to take action ourselves, NOW. Hopefully the final action won't be bankruptcy.

Tomorrow will be a full day, between recycling and a trip to the VA Medical Center in La Jolla, with a possible trip to Scripps afterwards. With all of these appointments and errands, I don't think I could actually fit a job into my schedule. This is my full time work now: the job of Caregiver.

Day 254: on keeping the keel even

Another one of those "mixed bag" days...

On one side of the ledger I can put the unpacking of the kitchen "preservation" bags and reorganizing the pantry cupboards on the stove side of the kitchen. Somehow I actually freed up some space and arranged things more logically. I have a few lingering organizational thoughts about the top right cupboard, but that can wait till later in the week. 

On the other side of the ledger I need to put the cats. They are drinking and using the litter box just fine, but they are still not eating very well, and they were vomiting overnight - so much fun to wake up to! We're not taking any chances with them; so we're going to stop by our veteran-friendly veteranarian first thing tomorrow. Himself's first cardiac rehab appointment isn't until mid-afternoon, so that should still work out.

On this side of the ledger, the Queen Mother has been in a bit of a mood today. If the cats stay outside too long, she panics. As they aren't well, she panics. If she's not wanting immediate answers to her questions, she makes comments about things we discussed earlier in the day, or yesterday. I have to keep reminding myself: It's not her, it's her disease, and her mind is Simplifying, breaking down past and future to function merely in the Now. I'm beginning to wonder if she's starting to experience the events in her day "as if for the first time," and I'm thinking of treating her and her questions as if that were truth. This approach might just save the last bits of my sanity.

On that side of the ledger, I read the next chapter of It's Okay if You're Not Okay, which happened to be about Letting Go of What You Can't Control, and Remembering God/dess IS In Control, complete with an analysis of the Biblical story of Joseph. While my spiritual path is rather different from the author's, and of her intended readers', I am familiar enough with Joseph's story to understand her point, and more, take comfort from it. Although things aren't unfolding as fast as we'd like them to, or even necessarily as we need them to, we have been watched over and provided for by our Higher Power throughout all of these travails as we climb for the summit of our mountain. In reading over the exercises at the end of the chapter, I'm seeing a Fire Ceremony on the Solstice, yes indeedy!

So back into the Flow of Life we go, post-fumigation. Good thoughts for the cats would be appreciated as we figure out how best to help them de-stress. 

Day 244: on staying close to home

Our sanctuary-from-fumigation plans are coming together. It turns out we are going to be staying at the same place we went to all the way back in 2001, when we previously had to be fumigated. Himself has confirmed with the VFW that they will be paying for our lodging, which is a big weight off of our shoulders. Though the motel ownership has changed several times over the years, they still don't accept pets, but we have a Plan A and a Plan B for the cats, so I'm pretty sure they will be in good hands for the few days we'll be away.

The Queen Mother slept much of the day today, brought down by her Mystery Ailment of Nausea and Dizziness. I keep an eye on her when she's like this in case she does vomit; should that happen, we will be paying a visit to Urgent Care, but so far so good. I suspect that she internalizes stress even more than I do, and rather than express it, bottles it up so tightly that it oozes out as physical illness. I think some geriatric psychiatry would be in order sooner rather than later. 

Between keeping an eye on the Queen Mother and keeping tabs on Himself and the phone calls, I didn't get as much done as I had planned. I find sometimes that it's hard for me to get going, especially when I'm on the verge of diving down the rabbit hole of overwhelm. At one point I was wondering why we were trying to fix something that wasn't necessarily broken, and building up some resentment over it, but it looks like we're going to get a better deal in the end. 

We definitely need to make a run to Petco tomorrow, hopefully before Himself's chiropractic appointment. If the Queen Mother feels better, a meeting would be a good idea as well. All efforts are still being concentrated on preparing for the fumigation; prayers for a easy time would be most appreciated!

Day 237: on compromise

This will be a bit challenging, as I'm endeavoring to type this while lying down and propping the screen up against Inkblot the cat, who is lying atop my pelvis. Here I go anyway...

Today was occupied with making arrangements for the upcoming fumigation. Himself managed to take advantage of his status as a Navy Veteran to make an arrangement with some of the the local Veterans of Foreign Wars to help out with hotel costs. They found us a pet-friendly place - a Motel 6 - on the other side of town, for about half the cost of what we were initially looking at. Though I'm not thrilled with the idea at staying at a Motel 6, beggars can't be choosers, and this just might work out to be a better arrangement overall.

As the pieces of that puzzle were coming together, we took advantage of Himself's account being replenished to grab groceries and pay some bills, with more to come tomorrow. I managed to fill out the all-important fumigation paperwork today, and will fax it over tomorrow. I also managed to file the various pieces of mail we've received in their appropriate spots.

As  bonus, I found some wherewithal to clean up in the kitchen and load the dishwasher. The kitchen is also a "to be continued" for tomorrow, along with some more bill paying. We're not quite sure what the evening plans will be, but we'll figure that out as well.

Suddenly I have more faith that Life is happening FOR me, rather than TO me. Indeed, She moves in Mysterious Ways. 

Day 220: on following up (part 1)

One week out from Himself's Cardiac Event, we returned to the VA Medical Center for Cardiology's "Discharge Clinic," where they checked him over to make sure he was doing okay post-Event-and-Stent. Some of our questions were answered there; others will have to wait a couple of days until he sees his Primary Care physician on Wednesday. The Weight Management class he was going to retake will have to be postponed until he is a bit more stable and has begun cardiac rehab. We did manage to reschedule his missed eye appointment (from last week) to this Wednesday, so things shuffle around a bit on the calendar. The last order of business before he left was to get some blood drawn for the necessary labs before Wednesday's appointment.

Traffic was not too bad going home, as we managed to beat the evening commute. I did some research into Himself's new medications when we got home, before dinner, and saw why some of his meds had been discontinued. I made some notes for Wednesday's appointment.

Tomorrow looks to be an "adminstrative day," with Himself playing on the computer, me supervising the Queen Mother as she showers, and another handful of phone calls to be made. Tomorrow is also going to be the nicest day of the week, so I will see if I can't sneak out for an hour or two to ambulate in the Sunshine and Fresh Air. Perhaps when I go get the cat food...

I continue to inch forward, even though mists have once again concealed the summit of the mountain, and we have no idea how close, or far, we are from reaching it. It has been just about a month since Himself's VA attorneys passed his case on to the Board of Veterans Appeals, and we are expecting word on a ruling any day now - but we don't know exactly when. So we're doing the only thing we can do: suit up and show up, and do what needs to be done. Thus is progress made, and sanity maintained. Sorta.

With that, I shall declare it a day and see if I can't catch up on a bit of sleep.

Day 209: on a full thursday

Full day today, starting with a run to Trader Joe's and ending with Walmart. In between, Himself and I first went to Fry's Electronics, where we purchased the graphics card that *should* make the desktop functional again. We had asked them to hold onto one for us yesterday, just in case we returned today to find them sold out.

Next up was Himself's appointment at the VA Medical Center in La Jolla. While he played with stretch bands, I went to the Pharmacy and picked up some of his medications. I can do that with his ID card; they've seen me often enough there that they know I'm The Missus, or as Himself is wont to say, "The Boss."

As Himself is a Cancer Survivor, he's been feeling a wee bit paranoid about the burgeoning measles epidemic spreading around the country, and arranged to redo his MMR (Measles/Mumps/Rubella) vaccine today. There was a bit of unexpected excitement around that: another veteran came along asking for help, then next thing anyone knows, lost his balance and would have fallen if a couple of other men had not caught him and lowered him to the ground. I got a chance to see the Rapid Response team in action; they eventually got him in a wheelchair and took him to the ER on the first floor. Hopefully it wasn't anything serious.

Once we had all of his official medications in tow, we stopped off at a nearby dispensary and purchased his "unofficial" medication, CBD oil. This has been the key to ridding his digestive system of nasty little polyps, as per his most recent "coming and going" appointment in March. After that, it was time for the Monthly Treat: burritos from the Mexican restaurant two doors and a flight of steps down. I like the veggie burritos here because they add grilled mushrooms, and I've only had mushrooms at one other place - Anejo's has a chili and mushroom enchilada which is also Divine!

By the time we got home, it was 5:20, and there was no way I was going to be able to fix the Queen Mother's dinner, eat my dinner, and get to the Caregiver Support Group, so I cut the Group loose. Food will win Every Time. I rested a bit while Himself attended a meeting, and then came the aforementioned Walmart trip after he got back. We are good to go for another little while.

I am going to sleep very soundly tonight. Good thing tomorrow is an Unscheduled day. I have been composing "His & Hers To-Do Lists" to help both Himself and I to remember what needs to be done tomorrow. His has more calls and mine has more chores at the moment.

Looking forward to Unplugging for at least part of the weekend. :)

Day 194: on the fly

Though the alarm went off this morning at 7am this morning, it became apparent that we weren't going to be able to make it to the La Jolla VA Medical Center by 8am for the all important CT scan. The scheduling for Radiology wasn't in until 10am; when Himself got a hold of them, they encouraged him to get there by 11:30, and they might be able to squeeze him in before his Port Access appointment at 1pm. I managed to get in my Tea and Morning Pages before breakfast and a quick shower, and then we were off.

When we got to Radiology, Himself asked if he could reschedule to later today. There did happen to be an opening - at midnight tonight. So guess where he's going in about an hour? Yup, back to La Jolla for the CT scan.

With time opening up, we had a serviceable brunch in the cafeteria: Himself had a breakfast sandwich, and I had soup (a creamy tomato bisque) and a salad. Then we went to his "regularly scheduled" appointments at 1pm (where he got some blood drawn for labs through his port), and 2pm to the Pain Clinic (where we went to see if we could get him re-authorized for a chiropractic referral). We learned that there was a yoga study going on to evaluate if yoga could help with lower back pain in veterans; if he qualifies, he could get paid to do yoga for a few weeks! We will definitely look into that further.

With traffic its usual hot mess, we managed to get home right after the usual dinner time, but not too late after. Once again, we checked the mailbox, and still didn't find what we were looking for: a little financial help from Himself's stepmother. He rang her up, and if we don't get anything in tomorrow's mail, she will stop payment on what she sent us and use Priority Mail to resend it. In the meantime, the generosity of friends has once again come through, and we have enough for gas and cat food...for now. (Thanks to Cancer Angels, an organization that helps Stage 4 cancer patients, we're good with people food...for now.)

I am feeling the Heaviness of Depression wanting to weigh me down, and insist that I am a permanent resident of ScarCity. Part of that comes from being tired, as it has been a long day. Part of it is a test of my pragmatism. I still feel like I'm moving forward, even though it also feels like snails are moving faster than I am.

Tomorrow is Himself's all important Oncology follow up, where we intend to hear the magic word Remission being spoken again, and then he'll be good for another three months. If we're not delayed too badly, I think a detour to the beach will be good for both of us. Fingers crossed in both cases.

Day 193: on testing the resolve

We have been awaiting a key piece of mail for a bit more than a week, now, and it hasn't arrived in our mailbox yet. I find my new resolve to take it day by day, and not worry about (financial) things that I can't control, tested a bit. So far, the pragmatism is holding. So far.

I finished coloring my latest mandala and posted it on Messenger as part of my Daily Stories. I'm probably going to take pictures of my recent mandalas and post them on Instagram. I finally returned to it last night, and I was okay. I don't feel a call to return to Facebook at this time. I'm not sure if I will return to Facebook, and I don't feel like I will be on Instagram for long stretches of time. I need some more Stability in my life for that to happen, as I have enough on my plate without having to worry about random Drama Llama stampedes on Social Media.

I went with Himself to the first of his latest round of VA appointments. Today was his next to last Cognitive Behavioral Therapy session. He will return in a month for a final "progress report" before finishing this round. Tomorrow we have a grand total of three appointments in La Jolla, starting bright and early with a "last minute" CT scan that everyone forgot was needed before the next Oncology appointment! This is what happens when things don't get scheduled right away... ;-p

Sometime tomorrow we will also need to get cat food, and I am hoping we'll be able to do that sooner rather than later.

Hoping and praying for the next miracle to arrive...

Day 189: on revisiting...

Depression paid me a visit today, feeling very Heavy and sad. I dialogued with it on in the Morning Pages, and found the reason for Depression's visit, which could be summed up thusly: Still Waiting.

I resonated with both of those words...the "Waiting," yes, as I/we have several projects still in progress, hopefully with resolutions in the near future, emphasis on hopefully. As for "Still," I feel like I'm frozen in place, waiting for Something Positive and Prosperous To Happen, so I can start moving again. As I've mentioned before, I don't handle Ambiguity very well, so some days end with me ready to climb the walls and walk across the ceiling!

Once I had identified what was feeling out of sorts, though, I did feel better.

We revisited the VA today, as Himself had a follow up appointment with his dietician. She praised him for recording his meals in a food journal of sorts on his phone; now his challenges are 1) measuring out his portions to establish Portion Control parameters, and 2) being more aware of his late night eating habits, which is where he tends to stumble.

Once we were done there, it was time to hit up Pharmacy again, to get some of prescriptions renewed. He doesn't get his meds mailed to the home, because we have at least one active drug addict in our complex who will steal VA packages when they come, in a quest to obtain pain medications. So we waited while his prescriptions were filled. I noted that the overhead music was from the 80's, which took me back to my pre-teen and teen years. I don't actively listen to 80's music today, so hearing it played was a pleasant surprise. It also speaks volumes as to the "average age" of the veterans receiving medical treatment these days.

With medications and supplies in tow, we started home. As if the freeway traffic wasn't bad enough, which it was, we had the unfortunate timing of hitting a key stoplight en route just in time for both the Northbound and Southbound commuter rails to pass by. (The Coaster goes from Oceanside to San Diego and back again.) We wove our way along the surface streets and finally got home, where we had just enough time to get dinner prepared and consumed in our bellies. Then we were off and running again to our Friday meetings. We both had good ones.

I have taken stock and made my choice: tomorrow I head south for an adventure. More to be revealed...

Day 186: on recognizing...

It's silly to expect Himself to be "sacrificing" as much as I do in this Caregiving odyssey. He can help, and he does, but he also has his own life, and his own commitments in this life. To expect him to give everything up to help me is a mark of Insanity.

Come to think of it, it's also silly to say that I'm "sacrificing" myself in the name of Caregiving. Some of my boundaries need to be redrawn, yes. Some things that I enjoyed doing need to be picked up again, yes. To say that I am "ruined" or "broken," though, is another mark of Insanity.

When I looked over at the clock today, and it was just after noon, and I hadn't had breakfast or showered yet, I figured I wasn't going to the new Caregiver Support Group, as there were groceries to purchase, and money to purchase them with. I did my Tea and Morning Pages after helping the Queen Mother with her breakfast, and helping Himself with a bit of Pain Management, and hadn't realized where in the day I stood. Even if I had caught myself a bit earlier, I still might not have rushed.

I'm also recognizing that, at least right now, multitasking is right out, until I get my Respite Vacation in. On days where there are no appointments, I pick one thing I need to do, and then do that. Anything else that gets done on a given day is gravy. I'm criticizing myself less and understanding myself more.

Per Himself's VA attorney, the case hasn't been filed quite yet, but they have until the 15th to file it. While I appreciate their thoroughness in reviewing all the details of the case, there a part of me that just wishes they would hurry up and file already! So here we sit, waiting for the right time to start scaling the summit of the mountain.

Another "empty day" tomorrow, so I will peruse my options, choose one, and take action.

Day 154: on new medical adventures

I had a new curveball thrown my way today - not regarding Himself, the Queen Mother, or me. Today was Inkblot the cat's turn. :p

I noticed yesterday morning that he wasn't putting any weight on his right foreleg, so I felt his leg, but didn't feel anything broken. I thought I saw one owie on the upper foreleg, so I took a wait and see attitude. He was still cleaning his plate at mealtime, and still using the litterbox without an issue. Today he was much more sluggish, sleeping most of the day, feeling warmer than usual to the touch, and the upper part of his leg was swelling up. Not good signs. :(

Himself stepped up to the plate, as my mind totally locked up over this latest development. He made phone calls, looked at websites, and did the legwork; as a result, we found a vet clinic just down the street from where we live (and we have driven by their office many times), right next door to an organization called Helping Paws. They provide financial assistance to active military members, veterans, and their families. After speaking with them, they said they were willing to cover whatever costs we incurred. I am tremendously grateful both to them, and to Himself, who found them when I was struck dumb by Overwhelm.

Now to our "overachiever"...one owie wasn't good enough for him. He had multiple puncture wounds along his leg, a few of them deep enough to require draining, so he has a drain in place, and is wearing the Cone of Shame for the second time in his life. We came home with antibiotics and pain meds; now the trick will be to get him to ingest them, willingly or no! (Perhaps if they are chicken or tuna flavored?) If we didn't have financial assistance, the total cost was still a fraction of what we would have paid at our former vet clinic. In addition, this clinic has a membership which allows for free exams and vaccinations. Guess what we're signing up for, once we have the means?

We will be taking him back tomorrow to make sure his fever has gone down, and then again on Monday to get his drain removed. The Cone of Shame stays on for two weeks. 

If Himself is correct, his VA attorney has filed their argument on his behalf, along with their demand letter, with the Board of Veteran's Affairs this week. They are expecting a response by the end of this month/the start of April. PLEASE pray that this comes to pass!

Day 131: on wheeling and dealing

Yesterday, Himself took the car in for its scheduled maintenance, and he was advised at that time that he was going to need to replace the tires. We have a service contract with the Mazda dealership in town, and they perform the maintenance for free. 

They also let him know about a tire company that would not only give him a Veteran's discount, but also work out a payment plan. So he went down to them yesterday to arrange the purchase, and today we returned to the tire company to get four new tires installed on the car. 

The installation itself was painless, but there was a technical glitch around finalizing the purchase, so both Himself and the serviceman were on the phone with the credit company to see if they could work out the issue. I joked about placing a bet as to who would be answered first; Himself would have won the bet. After returning to the main website and navigating through the options, the transaction was finalized, and we had our tires and a payment plan to go with them.

After we were done with the wheeling, we had to do a little dealing (with the cable company), and we reached a satisfactory conclusion. In truth, I would be just fine without tv for a while, but the rest of the household would have serious fits. We have covered the basics for the rest of the month. Not sure how we're going to get through next month, but we will do our level best.

The latest storm began while we were out getting new tires, and it's expected to drop a lot more rainfall on the county tomorrow. I'm waiting on the advisory to start ark building. ;) Kidding, but we have sandbags left over from the last big rains in 2016, and Himself dragged them to their strategic positions in front of the patio door, just in case.

Not quite sure how our Valentine's Day will unfold just yet, but we will do our best to avoid having a terribly soggy one. 

Day 94: on keeping those appointments

We resumed Himself's "Appointment Week" ant-free and freshly showered. I talked myself out of, then back in to, washing my hair, and I'm glad I did. I get a subtle boost when I'm able to honor my basic needs, and I look ten times better with clean hair than with not-so-clean hair. I wound up doing the driving, as Himself had stayed up later than he had planned, partly because he was freaking out over the possible results of the PET scan, and partly because he had neglected to take his night-time meds. He can be a very curious creature at times...

At any rate, we both made the drive down with empty tummies, as he wasn't allowed to eat after midnight, and I wasn't going to torture him with food he couldn't eat. There was a choice parking spot that just happened to be waiting for us, so I got a chance to practice my parallel parking with the help of the car's wee camera mounted above the license plate. I situated myself within the boundaries of the disabled spot (as both Himself and the Queen Mother are Officially Disabled), so I will take that as a win. ;)

We were a little late to his appointment, but the waiting room was all but empty, and remained empty for most of Himself's session. Once he had been taken back to start the scan, I went down to the coffee shop and got a Chai Tea Latte (with soymilk - they aren't yet offering coconut milk at the VAMC) with an apple-cinnamon muffin. I ate the muffin, then went back up and made myself at home in the waiting room, where I chose my next mandala to color in and went to work. I realized that I had forgotten to pack one of the small pencil sharpeners in my pencil box, so a few small places of coloring needed to wait until I could get home and give my pencils sharper points.

About two hours later, Himself emerged from his procedure, and we went down to the main cafeteria to see what they had for lunch. I got a veggie hummus wrap (which wasn't bad, it just had a LOT of hummus in it) and a bag of chips, while Himself grabbed a turkey sandwich to go with his chips. We split a chocolate pudding parfait for dessert. One thing I can say about the VA's cafe, the food is rather cheap, and you often get what you pay for. Sometimes that's a good thing; other times, not so much. Today it was decent.

I saved about a third of the wrap for later, and we headed to the second appointment of the day: a follow up with General Surgery, the department that had performed Himself's first surgery: the removal of his colon and appendix, the latter having become the size of a cucumber. (Apparently the cancer had jumped first thing into his appendix, instead of spreading more widely through his body, which is probably one of the reasons he's still alive today.) I colored a bit more of my mandala as we waited, and also as he was examined.

They didn't find anything untoward, so we made a final stop at the coffee shop (for his strategic caffeine infusion), and wrangled our way around some road construction to make our way home. See, the VA Medical Center is on the University of Califonia, San Diego campus, and the trolley is being extended from San Diego up to UCSD, the VAMC, and La Jolla. This necessitates detours from time to time, which snarls up traffic, which was compounded today by students returning from Winter Break.

We got home a bit late, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been, for the Queen Mother said she was not feeling well, and had not felt well all day. Instead of her regular dinner, I heated up some chicken broth for her to drink. She did later perk up enough to ask for her usual chocolate ice cream, though. Himself went down to San Diego for a meeting, and I stayed home to keep an eye on mom. I later grabbed a package of mock chicken "morsels," heated them up in the oven, and had them with some rice, along with the rest of my lunch. After dinner, I sharpened several of my pencils and colored in the smaller spaces that needed sharp points. Here's what my mandala looked like when I finished for today:

I expect to color in some more when we return to the VAMC on Wednesday for the next round of appointments.

Tomorrow is appointment-free, so I'm declaring it an "Administration Day" to use for phone calls and to go through the various letters and papers that have been quietly waiting for me to tend to them. I will need to do a bit of grocery shopping as well, but that won't take all day, and will probably serve as a nice change of pace.

Thus do we move forward into the new year... :)