backing into acceptance

Though we haven't received the Queen Mother's blood test results yet, we did receive word this past Friday of her CT scan: Yes, she has a brain; No, there still isn't anything apparent in it that would indicate Alzheimer's or a specific dementia. No news should be good news, BUT - the doors that would have opened with a definitive diagnosis remain closed, at least for now. So we slog on.

I vented in my Morning Pages the next day: mom is not sick enough, not poor enough, not this nor that. Then I wonder why I have a hard time asking for help these days; why should I even bother when the answer will most likely be some form of NO? No, we can't help because your mother doesn't quite fit our criteria. No, we can't help you unless you can pay through the nose, which at this moment, isn't possible.

So I heaved a huge raspberry at it all, and spent Friday night and Saturday night out, conversing with folks who have their cognitive faculties reasonably intact...and suddenly found myself enjoying myself in the company of Himself and our mutual friends. Sunday was a formal daytime support group, followed by more informal support in the evening, as Himself and I paid a visit to one of my dear sisters, who was in a car accident two weeks ago (!!) and was just now beginning to feel human again. We heard her, we helped her to laugh, I brought in some healing for her. Suddenly I'm feeling more Sane and Present than I have in quite some time.

Today I managed to gather myself together enough to work huswifery magic in the kitchen and remove the recycling, placing the assorted papers, bottles, and cans in their respective bins, then loading up the dishwasher. The bonus round was sweeping the living room floor clean. I have found myself slowing way down these past few days, reading a lot, napping some, and staying more or less inert. Lying Low seems to be my modus operandi for now, to what end is yet to be determined.

I need to get in a grocery run tomorrow before Himself disappears down to San Diego again to play in Quickbooks. Somehow he managed to get himself elected to being the Alano Club treasurer last month. Gods help us all. He did manage to take a breather from the drama llama stampedes this past weekend, though, and I got in some quality Spousal Time. This probably helped with my state of mind.

I have something very special cooked up for later in the week. Will do the big reveal later. Watch This Space! :)

Day 357: on considering balance

Today started out damp and has ended damp. I laugh at our weatherman's assertion that "the bulk of the moisture has moved on," considering I heard it rain, albeit lightly, three times after the local news was on this evening. It is definitely the season to wear pants and drink more warm teas, though we have been advised that things will warm up again starting the second half of next week. 

It was a good day to take a deep dive in the Morning Pages, and consider what I can do to strengthen my Spritual muscles. The Pages and this blog help keep my Mental and Emotional muscles in good shape, but my Spiritual practices have fallen by the wayside during the heavier and more intense parts of my Odyssey. The takeaway from my "thinking aloud" in the Pages is that I need to create opportunities to do super quick and easy things, as quick and easy as swiping up on my screen and tapping on Instagram or my Freecell game. 

The two things right now that I can do that are super easy and nurturing are Coloring and Reading. I wound up reorganizing a creative nook that I have, throwing out things that needed to be recycled or otherwise pitched, and gathering together my coloring books. I found that I have been gifted A LOT of coloring books over the past few years; I won't be running out of things to color any time soon! I was going to add some actual books in this nook, but I don't have the room at the moment to do so. I need to rearrange a bit more for that to happen. That's perfectly fine, as it's a work in progress, and I will be returning back to it later.

The rest of the day was easy as well: taking out the trash and keeping up with recycling, preparing dinner for the Queen Mother and myself, then leaving her to her TV programs (Saturday is all about Animal Planet) and enjoying the gift of being At Ease. Tomorrow will bring a new day and the start of services for the Jewish New Year. We will be attending at our synagogue after all.

Day 317: on stepping through the (emo) storm

I wasn't up to doing much of anything today, though I did manage to straighten up the Queen Mother's bed, mainly because she would stop by and bring it up every few minutes. She also remembered all by herself to write her letter to the doctor, taking much of yesterday and today to "think it over." I'm impressed with her remembering because it shows me that there are still parts of her mind that work, even if they're the parts that like to obsess over little details. Still, I have her letter now and will be dropping it off at the doctor's office next week sometime, per her wishes.

It might be a bit before I get up and going, though, for there will be the bleeding this week. I had a good long write about everything in the Morning Pages, which I was able to get back in to for the first time in a few days. Guess what - I didn't feel as cranky after I had finished. My best option to preserve my sanity is to remember the principle of Going Small: doing just what needs to be done on any given day, and dividing my Resting time into "bite sized pieces" so I can conserve my energy when I'm not doing anything in particular.

The Resting part might be a bit more emphasized than initially intended this week: in addition to my Moontime, I also felt the muscles above my left hip starting to seize up today. This has progressed to feeling that my lower back is waiting for an excuse to go out again. Between resting and wearing my heel lift when I'm walking around, I think I caught it so that my back won't go out. I just have to be a bit more careful for the next few days about moving around.

I don't know what, if anything, I will be able to get done this week. We shall see...

Day 287: on shaking off the eclipse hangover

I started the return journey to myself, three days after the lunar eclipse shook up my second house. I took a deep dive into the Morning Pages, and felt my mind clear out and my attitude lighten up as I wrote. I have taken several deep dives in the Pages as of late; not surprising, as a lot has been on my mind.

We also (finally!) saw some Movement in Himself's cases: the VA Compensation and Pension folks have scheduled an appointment to see him early next week, to evaluate the "non existent" carpal tunnel in his left hand. His personal injury attorney then called with news that he had received a bill from the VA. As soon as Himself looks it over and makes sure they aren't trying to sneak on extra expenses, that case can finally progress as well. 

The movement I managed to do today was the laundry, for the Queen Mother and myself. I have to take everything to the laundromat to dry because, as I've mentioned previously, our dryer gave up the ghost last month. As I sat and waited, I colored some more of the mandala that I started during Himself's doctor's appointments earlier in the week. Whenever small children come in to the laundromat, they are absolutely fascinated to see an adult coloring in a coloring book. ;)

We had to skip our Friday meetings this week as Himself had some pressing business to attend to; even the Cardiac session is "rescheduled" for tomorrow. This is good because I can get back into the exercise saddle and start working out with him again.I didn't want to fall into the pattern of skipping two sessions, then four, then suddenly find myself not going anymore, which would be all too easy to do!

I did some more mandala coloring this evening, then quit. Perhaps I will finish it over the weekend. Other than the Cardiac session, I don't have any plans.

Day 278: on powering through

I took a deep dive in the Morning Pages today. Most of the time I can only manage one page, though when I have more time in the morning, I can often whip out two. Now and again, I manage to do the three pages that are recommended. Today was a three-page day; I was about to wind down, but a bit of Frustration needed a platform to be witnessed, so I let my pen continue to flow across the paper until it was done. 

The gist of the Frustration: my biggest drain in Caregiving is not Physical; it's Mental. It's having to remember to be patient when I'm trying to say something to the Queen Mother for the fifth time before she can understand me. It's having to remind Himself of things he needs to do, because the Traumatic Brain Injury has ruined his (short-term) memory. It's having to keep track of what appointment is coming up next, and what tasks need to be handled next - which is why I'm a list making fiend. Sometimes I feel like I need a (virtual) secretary to help keep track of everything!

Be it venting in the Morning Pages, or be it having two days in a row of significant errand-running, I felt Depression on the other side of the mental door, wanting to persuade me how it would be So Much Better to Stay Home and Let Go of All the Responsibility. I got in touch with the Anger that was wanting to turn inward and let it out in my workout today. Once again, I crushed it on the various machines, burning the calories and breaking a decent sweat. Today I got my Hardcore Sparkle on. ;)

Once again, we got a bit of a late start out the door, so once again, we were rather late getting back to the house. The Queen Mother grumbled a little bit, but not too much. After dinner I finally relented and had a bit of a nap, then colored in my mandala book when I woke back up, finishing up one mandala (which I posted in my Messenger Stories) and worked some more on another one. I've drifted away from the coloring, and I want to get back into it on a more regular basis.

Tomorrow there are no appointments, so it feels like a good time to tie off some loose ends of a domestic nature, and perhaps finally get around to returning those phone calls I received late last week! At least I won't have to jump out of bed in the morning...

Day 233: on sitting with the feelings

I am beginning to see how Luminous this time has been, being sick in the Moontime. Yesterday and today I have been active in my Morning Pages, tracking my feelings as they have unfolded, one after another, finding points where I could initiate Changes, and then feeling the Resistance to those changes - which basically boils down to, "I don't want to change until the Big Changes have come through, because I don't want to waste precious energy now that I might need later."

I find myself feeling Stuck, yet not entirely willing to Unstick just yet. I find myself Tired on an emotional and spritual level, and wanting to conserve all the energy I can until we finally reach the Summit of the Mountain and receive the good Word: that our Waiting is Over, the Rulings are in our Favor, and we can start the business of Coming Back To Life at last.

My resistance is to moving forward despite the Stuckness, to consider what to do if This is as good as it's going to get, for I refuse to believe this is "It," that the be-all and end-all of my life is to be Broke and Caring for Other People while letting my life slip through my fingers. There MUST be more to it than what is around me now, even if I can't see the Something More just yet.

This is where the lesson of Going Small comes in handy: I remind myself one more time that it's not necessarily about the Huge Activity or the Big Goal, that small bites and mini-goals are just as feasible, if not more so. To paraphrase one of my friends: I know this is Temporary, but I don't know how long this Temporary IS. So if I Go Small, I can find those moments of Respite to carry me along until we reach the Summit. 

I hear the rain falling outside the bedroom door right now. It's been raining on ald off all day today; more, there may be some tomorrow, on Memorial Day itself, something unheard of in SoCal. I did see the forecast clearing up and warming up later in the week, so maybe it will finally start to feel like early Summer instead of early Spring!

My Himalayan Salt candle is lit, and SARK's Glad No Matter What is back by my side. I am using the tools at my disposal to, if not change my attitude, at least loosen it up a little. Tomorrow Himself and I are going to consider our options and see if we can't find a way to have some Fun, something which I could totally use at this point, to lighten up all of this "Serious Business" I've been engaging in.

Day 202: on improving further

I had a productive time writing in my Morning Pages. The question I posed was, "What can I do to occupy my mind in this time of Limbo?" The answer seemed at first to be a cliche - Chop Wood, Carry Water - but it spoke to staying more centered in the Present, taking care of my business (trash, recycling, decluttering), and taking care of myself (eating and moving with Intent and Purpose).

This answer might seem obvious, and it is rather obvious in truth, but when Catastrophizing and Apocalyptic Thinking have become second nature, sometimes I need an Obvious Answer to remind me of how best to proceed, and what I need to let go of.

I put my insight into action, taking care of the trash and the recycling. I started in on it yesterday, and will finish it off tomorrow, as I have been letting it slide a little between appointments and bouts of Depression. Himself helped out by running the vacuum. We also aired out the bedroom and the master bathroom; now it no longer stinks of bleach.

We have a few days to go until the end of the month, but I have a few small tricks up my sleeve, so everyone should stay fed and happy until the next month begins, and the monthly pensions arrive.

In the meantime, I have to re-submit my request to the DMV. I received it in the mail today, and the section I thought was an "either/or" is actually a "both/and." So there will be another delay in processing, another delay in getting the Queen Mother off of Income-base Medi-Cal, and another delay in getting my pay. Par for the course at this point! (optional: insert eyeball roll here)

Meanwhile, life goes on, and I will do my best to go with it.

Day 190: on accepting...

I was originally going to title this "on resigning," but after a nap, a walk, a tasty dinner, and some time in the Morning Pages, I was inspired to change the title to something more positive.

I was planning to go to the Caregiver Expo today, but my/our priority right now is to Conserve Resources as much as we can. We were expecting some money yesterday, but it hasn't arrived yet. Combined with some work Himself needs to do tomorrow in Point Loma (aka "down south,") I chose to let discretion be the better part of valor and stay home. It turns out the expected funds didn't arrive today, either, so that was a bit of validation for my choice. That doesn't mean I was happy about it; in fact, it took all of the activities that I mentioned above to bring me back to the Happy Medium.

I was, however, freed up to make an important phone call, which I would not have been able to make had I attended the Expo. I learned therein that I'm not the only one who has "experimented with new levels of Powerlessness and Unmanageability" as of late! Right now, I'm not in a position to do more than I'm currently doing, and sometimes that almost feels like I'm doing too much. Hopefully, that will change in the near future, and I'll be able to step up and be more of Service, helping to carry the load.

Because the call took place mid-morning, my Morning Pages were more of a late afternoon/early evening affair. I took my gripes to the Pages and came to the sense of Acceptance I had been seeking. Many times in the past year or so I have felt like I was in a basic "Survival Mode." Each time I would think I was moving forward, I would be slammed back, hard, into that mindset. Today I embraced the idea of not continually craning my head, looking for the gleam on the distant horizon, but focusing on what I have NOW and what I can do NOW instead. (Besides, all indications point to this being a Temporary Situation, and perhaps more temporary than I/we expect.)

I have a list of thirteen no-cost things I can do for Respite, and an additional seven low-cost things to go with it. If I actually concentrate on "Just for Today," if I actually move forward "One Day at a Time," I just might be able not only to hang on to my remaining Sanity, but perhaps even start rebuilding it. Time to put some Energy where my mouth is. :)

Himself and I are intending to make our Support group tomorrow. We shall see what happens.

Day 180: on shifting my perspective

While writing in the Morning Pages, a radical idea came up: what if I am exactly where I'm supposed to be, doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing? What if many of those times I have been depressed have actually been instances where some of my Stuck Ego has died and been sloughed off and away? What if my down moments have contained secret gifts that I'm only now opening?

I am certainly a different person now than I was at the start of my Odyssey, and I have yet to sit down and try to quantify these changes. Thinking about my travails in this fashion has settled me down a bit, and I'm not so anxious as I have been.

I managed to get the washing of the sheets (for the Queen Mother and for myself) done today, and we managed to get to Walmart today. Score on both counts.

The evening was interesting: a dinner seminar about retirement at Carver Steakhouse in Rancho Bernardo. The topic piqued Himself's interest, because he's going to need some advice about what to do with his VA back pay when it finally comes. So we have a free appointment tomorrow morning, with no further obligation. I think we'll talk to this dude, one of the Credit Union's investment dudes, and maybe one or two others before we choose who will advise us. Himself was very impressed with Carver's Prime Rib, whereas I batted my eyes, smiled sweetly, and asked for a vegetarian substitution. I was rewarded with a penne pasta dinner with red peppers, asparagus, and broccoli in an alfredo sauce, along with some oh-so-divine garlic bread.

Dessert wasn't offered, but Himself got an idea in his head from an earlier conversation we'd had, and he took me to a Krispy Kreme donut shop. We got half a dozen donuts, three of them being the California equivalent of the "Boston Cream" donut. I had one, he had one, and the Queen Mother had one. We all agreed that they were lovely.

So we will see what happens tomorrow with the consultation, and afterwards. It might or might not rain; it didn't rain during the day today, but it had rained overnight Tuesday night into Wednesday morning. My ears are up and listening for more rain, just in case. April showers - what a concept!

Day 159: on the power of fresh air & sunshine

The day didn't start as well as I would have liked - a "technical glitch" prevented me from getting onto Facebook to watch the SCRC livestream that I wanted to see, so I wound up throwing myself a good old fashioned pity party. By the time either Himself or I figured out to call the office to see what was going on, there were only four minutes left to the seminar, which we discovered had been moved to YouTube. Perhaps I will be able to see it in the future. I did wind up having a good therapeutic writing in my Morning Pages, though, some of it in big block letters, and a few choice words for Mercury Retrograde as well. :p

I had to go out in the afternoon anyway, because 1) in all of last week's craziness, I forgot to stop by our property management office to pay this month's HOA fees, and 2) Himself had an appointment with the Pain Clinic at the VA Medical Center. So I went out into the fresh air and sunshine, and my mood began to change. I responded to the Spring weather from a place deep within, and by the time all was said and done, I felt much better. I needed a shot of the outdoors, apparently!

Paying the HOA was easy - in, out, and done. Himself's appointment was more interesting: he was advised that he could be covered by the VA for either acupuncture OR chiropractic, BUT not both at the same time. (Go figure!) So he opted to be covered for chiropractic, and we were advised of a free acupuncture clinic in San Diego, which I could take advantage of as well. We might be doing that in the future. Then we grabbed a bite to eat at the cafeteria while waiting on his prescriptions to be filled; fortunately, there were no surprise expirations or other delays this time around.

We got home about 5pm, but that wasn't as bad as it could have been, because the Queen Mother's stomach was still back on Pacific Standard Time. I set about fixing her dinner once I had changed clothes and fed the cats, who don't care which time modality we're using, as they are "always" hungry. 

After dinner, I worked some more on my current mandala, and the Queen Mother went to bed early, for all the programs were in reruns and she wasn't feeling well. We talked as I helped her before bed; besides her physical discomfort (which I'm keeping an eye on, she also admitted to feeling lonely and depressed. The sooner we can start bringing outside help in, the better!

Tomorrow it's the cat's turn to get his follow up appointment. He's finished with his pain meds and is now just on antibiotics. Hopefully we can get his drainage tube removed this time, and there aren't any other infections lurking in his leg. We shall see...

Day 151: on easing through the narrow canyon

My moods reflected the weather today: where it was sunny-cloudy-sunny-cloudy-rainy-cloudy outside, I moved between calmness, depression, hope, anxiety, and back to serenity, or an iteration thereof, inside. 

I stayed home while Himself went to his acupuncture appointment so the Queen Mother could take her weekly shower. She has chosen Tuesday to be her shower day, for reasons that make sense only to her. I finished up my tea and Morning Pages while I waited for her to get ready. It was a good session in the Pages today, as various disparate thoughts coalesced into something of an enlightening whole. Between the Pages and Passages in Caregiving - which I am moving through slowly, so I can digest all of the Wisdom from the stories that are told in the book - I find that I am slowly detaching myself from the Queen Mother, so my life CAN continue after hers ends, whenever that happens. I haven't even sighted that mountain range yet. 

Himself returned home just as mom finished in the shower, so he "disappeared" into the living room while mom inched her way to the bathroom. I helped her dry off, then applied lotion on her back and legs. Once she was back in her room getting dressed, I showered, had my breakfast, then Himself and I went grocery shopping. It started raining just as we finished up. (Rain is expected to fall off and on for the rest of the week, clear up for the weekend, then start again on Monday.)

Because it was raining, and it was late and getting later, Himself rescheduled his other appointment of the day to Friday. I appreciated the rescheduling very much, as I was beginning to become very anxious about going to the appointment with him. I didn't think there was any way we would be able to get back before 4pm, and perhaps not until even 5pm, due to the evening commute, and for some reason, that was Just Not Tenable, not today!

Through writing in the Pages, I have also seen the difference between Depression then and now: when it came to visit in the past, I just went along for the ride. Now, when it comes to visit, I dip into my toolbox to prevent it from taking the wheel. To thwart my anxiety, I retreated to bed for a few minutes, and said the Serenity Prayer like a mantra in my head, while I slowed and deepened my breathing. I am lighting my Himalayan Salt candle to put some negative ions in the air, similar to sitting on the beach. When I finish with this entry, I will go back to coloring my mandala, in an effort to "turn off" the nervous chatter in my mind.

Last night I challenged myself to come up with ten low or no cost ways to gain some Respite for myself; the exercise stretched into today and I had twenty ways, more than half of them "No-Cost," when I was finally done and satisfied. That is a list I can rely upon as I continue up the mountain.

Right now, in this moment, all is well. I choose to remember that as I ease through the rest of this day and into the next.

Day 138: on microcleaning

Today turned out to be trash and recycling day: clearing out both of the bathrooms and our bedroom, along with the main trash in the kitchen and the paper recycling bag by where the Queen Mother sits. We managed to get everything sorted before this round of rain got underway, so that was some good work. We also managed to get a quick grocery run in before the rain started in earnest. I felt like I made some good headway.

Trash and recycling also helped to distract my mind from worrying over money, as I had not received notification as of this morning about my timesheet being processed, and how much was going into the bank. I plotted out my worry in my Morning Pages, and found I had written myself into a calmer and more pragmatic stance when I was done. As the 15th had fallen on a Friday, and this past Monday had been a holiday, of course there was going to be a backlog of timesheets to process. As mine had not been ready to go first thing Tuesday morning, of course I was going to be further back in the queue. I should get a notice tonight (their system tends to notify you sometime between midnight and 1am; don't ask me why), and then I will act accordingly.

With the rain falling, Himself and I are skippping a trip down to San Diego tomorrow morning, which opens up the day for more huswifery: laundry for him, more cleaning and reorganizing for me. By focussing on cleaning one smallish area at a time, I'm actually building some momentum, which might eventually lead to more cleaning elswhere in the house, which would please the Queen Mother to no end. If nothing else, I can distract myself from worrying about money all the damn time!

Continuing to inch my way up the mountain...

Day 96: on small favors

Today felt like it was going to be one of those Heavy Days when I first woke up, partially because I didn't really want to get up, since I was beginning to bleed in earnest. I exercised a bit of patience, though, and as soon as the Queen Mother was settled in with breakfast, and I was settled in with my tea, I took to my Morning Pages and wrote a nice long pitiful rant about one of my favorite subjects - the complete idiocy that is the Medi-Cal system today.

When I was done, I was visited by my Inner Pragmatist. Yes, I will give it the old college try, one more time, to find something that will be acceptible by Medi-Cal standards to bring the Queen Mother back under The Line. However, bridging a $12 gap is one thing; bridging a gap ten times as wide is another matter entirely. Is it really worth the loss of income in the face of the monthly march of bills? If I don't find anything, and I have to stop being an Official Paid Provider for the Queen Mother, is it going to be that big of a loss in the light of her increased monthly Social Security payment, which will actually help with the bills? If I don't succeed, perhaps I won't be that disappointed after all.

Himself went on to his chiropractic appointment while I was pulling myself together, then I joined him when we went down to the VA Medical Center for the next round of appointments. While he was getting his monthly port flushing (he still has his chemo port, and actually prefers using it when necessary, instead of having a nurse trying to find a useful vein in his arm), we were visited by the Oncology case manager. His PET scan results didn't show anything untoward in his gastro-intestinal system (YES!), but she said there was a "little bit of activity" around his prostate...which could be explained by the fact that he fell straight onto his tailbone the day after Christmas, two weeks ago. They called for a PSA test to be sure, but there's a good possibility that he's still clear and in remission. We will know tomorrow for sure. The best news: we wouldn't have to return tomorrow morning to the VAMC, as Oncology is way overbooked.

"Appointment Week" then came to an early conclusion after a follow up visit to the Pain Clinic, where Himself's protocols were reviewed, and new Authorizations to continue Acupuncure, Chiropractic, and Physical Therapy were written up and sent off. We made it home in decent time, getting off the freeway just before all the traffic backed up due to a major accident that had shut down the entirety of Northbound I-15!

I munched on some dry stuffing (basically it's like croutons before you add water and cook it) as I got the dinners for the Queen Mother and myself ready, while Himself steamed some rice to have with his mock chicken. I had some tea with my dinner, courtesy of an error from Starbucks, when I ordered a tall black tea and they gave me a Treinta (extra large) tea instead. Yes, I had tea for days.

I noticed these little details - the tea mixup, the pragmatic perspective, the ending of appointment obligations, and the fortuitous exiting of the freeway - along with the golden light as sunset approached, and the antics of my cats. Going Small has helped me to see these Love Notes from the Universe when I might have otherwise missed them, and I will take all of the cheering up and recentering that I can get.

Tomorrow is an open day for much of the day, and it will also be my first Heavy Bleeding day. Perfect Timing. :)

Day 66: on picking myself up

I was not intending to make today a Mental Health Day, yet that's how it turned out. Everyone slept way in; I think the colder weather encourages more time asleep, especially if it's also cloudy, which it has been today. Once I got up, I dove into the Morning Pages and got a bit of a different perspective...

I've been trying to solve all of our problems in one fell swoop and in less than 24 hours. I forgot, temporarily, the idea of Going Small. Not only is it a good idea for sneaking in a little Respite time here and there, but it's also good to consider when looking at my challenges. Out of the Pages arose my current Mantra: "What Is to Be Done Now?" Instead by being overwhelmed by the totality of my situation, I can focus on the most pressing matter or two and take care of that first, then look again at the big picture to see the next step. It sounds like a no-brainer, perhaps, but let me tell you - cortisol is really good at making one forget about all things positive and logical!

Instead of phone calls and online searches, I chose to focus on huswifery instead: putting away dishes, taking out trash and recycling, tidying up in the kitchen. Before that, I actually found myself enjoying the funnies with my breakfast; they were very funny today, which is what I needed after going through the emotional wringer yesterday. (PS on that - it looks like I will have an opportunity to clear the air in the near future. That makes me happy.)

Later this evening, Himself and I will be helping out a friend who has been hospitalized for the third time (!) with a recurring shoulder issue, and perhaps be a bit sociable. Tomorrow we have no appointments on the calendar, so I just might get back to Adulting then. If nothing else, I'm beginning to feel reasonably human again, which is a far cry from yesterday, not to mention this time last year! I continue to put one foot in front of the other, and look for the Next Indicated Step.

In the meantime, prayers for a speedy recovery for our friend would be most appreciated.      

 

Day 59: on adapting to changing plans

Today could have been bad, but wound up pretty good...

I was getting a week of Himself's medications together this morning when I noticed his blood pressure medication was missing. Both of us took turns looking for it but couldn't find it anywhere. This meant we would have to make a trip to the VA Medical Center to pick it up, since 1) He really needed his blood pressure medication and 2) If it was mailed, there was a good chance it would get stolen, since there is at least one hardcore drug addict living in our complex. The packages from the VA are fairly distinctive.

I was upset at first, because it meant I had to put the plans that I had for today on hold. I took my upset to my Morning Pages, and by the time I had finished writing, my perspective had done a complete 180. I acknowledged how challenged I feel when Something Unexpected happens in my life, and I further realized how Outsized my reaction usually is when an Unexpected plot twist unfolds before me. Today, I remembered to De-Couple my reaction from the event; in other words, I reassured myself I was okay, and the plot twist wasn't a huge deal (it rarely is). I'm allowing myself to consider what the actual source of my triggering IS, and I'm sure the full answer will come in time.

So, newly okay with this Unexpected plot twist, Himself and I went down to the VA Medical Center. We came up with a list of departments to visit while we were there, since he only has one appointment there this month, and there were a handful of questions that we had. For the most part, we were successful, checking off many of the visits we had to make, in addition to getting his all-important blood pressure medication. We were a bit delayed in coming home, but that's rush-hour traffic for you.

Looking a little ahead on the calendar, I don't have anything scheduled for tomorrow, so it's not that big of a deal to simply reschedule my tasks and get what I need to do later, instead of sooner. I feel a lot better about it now than I did this morning. 

Day 58: on the gift of a calm day

Today I was able to shift into having a "Day Off." As a caregiver, I don't usually grant myself permission to have a day of doing little to nothing. Being honest, when there aren't appointments to make or chores to tend to, my mind is usually preoccupied with something that I have to Get Done Now, or Tomorrow At The Latest! Today, however, I declared that everything on the to-do list would abide until tomorrow, and kicked off the Ease with a nap after I had helped the Queen Mother with her breakfast. I didn't bother to get up for good until after 1pm.

One of the reasons I'm feeling so refreshed is because I actually got out and socialized for a few nights. (We made it to the Yule Party right on time last evening, and I enjoyed the Sister- and Brother-hood for the first time in what seems like forever, though I'm sure it's only been a few months.) I realized as I wrote in my Morning Pages today that as much as I need Me Time out in Nature, I also need We Time with peeps of like vibe. This came as a bit of a surprise to me, as I had previously not been aware of the Hunger I had to relate to folks who could relate back, and not necessarily be a part of a support group. I love and need my support groups, don't get me wrong, but I'm more than "just" a Caregiver, and I need to be in situations where I can perhaps bring out those parts of me that I might otherwise forget and give them some fresh air and sunshine as well.

All of this more or less started with an observation I had made about myself (in the Morning Pages), and the question I then asked myself: What is wanting to take everything so Personally within me? because I was taking everything that Life was throwing at me Very Personally. I remembered stories I had found within my Shadow Realm from earlier inquiries, but looked at them from a different angle this time. Not only did this lead to my current ideas around parceling out my days, but I've also let go of a lot of hard feelings and excessive mental gunk that I was carrying around. In a nutshell - my Caregiving experience is MY experience, but I've allowed Other People's Experiences to influence me a little too much. Knowing this, it becomes much easier to keep my own counsel about what works and what doesn't, and allow the opinions of others to slide off my back.

Today was a good, restful day, and I will be in a much better place to tackle what lies before me in the week ahead. :)

Day 55: on a rainy day

I did not go out as early as I had anticipated today, so I was able to stay home in the morning and ease into the day, with my Chai tea latte and my Morning Pages, while Himself braved the highways to take care of some business in Point Loma. The Pages are my way to dump my sometimes crazy thoughts onto the page, so I can get them out of my head. They also hold space for me when I'm working out a dilemma, or doing necessary Shadow-Work. With the onset of cooler Winter days, the Chai tea not only warms me up, it also helps me pause when I need to take a breath after some frenzied scribbling, or when my thoughts have scattered to the Four Directions and I need to regather them. Sip and Write, I jotted down this morning, Sip and Write.

When Himself returned, I braved the deluge and joined him to do some much needed grocery shopping. Then it was off to the eye doctor, because Himself needed an eye exam, and a form from the DMV filled out, before he could get his driver's license renewed. This entailed a dilation of the pupils, which meant that Yours Truly had to drive him home. Fortunately, not only was it a cloudy day, but the eye doctor isn't too far from where we live. To celebrate the completion of our errands, I got an eggnog beverage from Starbucks. We arrived home just as the next wave of rain began to fall.

Moment of confession: I am an Eggnog Fiend. It's one of my favorite things in the Universe, right behind dark chocolate and well ahead of anything Pumpkin Spiced. My challenge is to enjoy it In Moderation!

We enjoyed - and needed - an after dinner nap before I went along with Himself this evening, just in case, since his pupils were still oversized. I didn't have to drive after all, and that's just fine. We drove home through off and on rain, which is falling once more as I type. It is very much needed and welcomed after the recent fires up north, and after several years of drought in mainly sunny (and warm) SoCal. Right now, I have a small girl cat in my lap keeping me warm. :)

Tomorrow is shaping up to be a catch-up day, to tie off any loose ends that remain to be done from earlier in the week. I don't think it's supposed to rain again until Saturday, but we shall see.   

Day 46: on "getting it done"

It's never a good thing when I wake up and my mind is galloping along so fast that I can't go back to sleep. Instead of allowing it to continue galloping into a panic attack or a depressive episode, though, I took some time to brew some tea and dive into my Morning Pages. One nice raging rant later, I realized that I was taking everything WAY too Personally. I found a belief that I was somehow being "singled out" somehow for some sort of "punishment." The interesting places my Stinking Thinking takes me sometimes!

Anyway, once I finished my tea and my Pages, I went on with the day: breakfast for the Queen Mother, gathering up necessary documents, and a quick shower before we were off to the Credit Union to get a copy of my bank statement (since their systems were down, I couldn't print it off at home), and finally to my appointment with the County of San Diego to see if I could get any other help.

The appointment took about an hour and a half, and when it was done, my mind was goo. Answering tons of questions, presenting various documents, filling out and signing a couple of affidavits - and after all of that, I am probably going to be denied a spot on the dole because 1) I co-own a home (with the Queen Mother) and 2) I have a bank account (again, with the Queen Mother). Somehow, if things continue in the slow-yet-steady pace of Cultural Erosion that I've noticed, I think there's a good chance more people like me will start looking for help, and the criteria might need to be changed. Perhaps.

I was asked a question that momentarily stumped me, though, when I was invited to discuss everything I owned. It struck me as odd because most of the household items we have were purchased by the Queen Mother, or at the very least, in a joint effort. I had to think about things that I, personally, had purchased myself and could claim sole "ownership" of. Aside from clothes or a few pieces of costume jewelry, there isn't that much I could say that I actually owned. (As far as the cats go, they own me. Am I right?) When I look at our home as the Queen Mother's Power of Attorney, though, then I come into "ownership" of the items in the household, and that's the card I chose to play.

When I was done at the County offices, I really wanted a stiff drink, but as alcohol does NOT agree with me, I settled for an Arnold Palmer (black tea + lemonade) from Starbucks before Himself and I finished off the day. We paid the car registration and swung by the grocery (which was busy today and will only get busier tomorrow) to grab some essentials before going home. I put my brain in the fridge (metaphorically), had some comfort food for dinner (actually), and promised myself not to Think Deeply until tomorrow.

I have returned to a mandala I started to color in last year, then abandoned part-way through. I am planning to post more of my mandalas on Instagram, if anyone is interested. So once I finish here, I'm going back to coloring and taking it easy. Tomorrow is another day and there is still much to be done.

Day 2: on where I put my attention

Let me start this off by saying, I am a writer. I have not been focusing on writing anything for publication lately, but I have been journaling extensively. One of my practices (which I would like to bring a little more consistency to!) is writing Morning Pages during the early part of my day. I found a little gem today that I wanted to bring here...

In today's Pages, I found myself writing about Where I Am Putting My Attention. I realized that as a caregiver, my attention is all too often on the chaos around me: why is the Queen Mother yelling for me? Why is Himself needing me? Oh yes, it's time to feed the cats. Oh Goddess, what are they talking about on the TV now? (This last one is usually my signal to go into my room and play soothing music on Pandora.) I find myself putting more of my attention on the Chaos that is surrounding me and less of my attention on my needs, my thoughts, my self-care practices. Then I wonder why I get cranky and resentful.

When I do focus my attention on myself, I often run into what I call "Stinking Thinking" - I'm obsessing about our finances, or why is the Queen Mother being so pissy, or what Himself should have done instead of what he did do, or trying to figure out how to squeeze One More Chore on the to-do list, or obsessing about our finances - you get the idea. Is it any wonder that I need to find a distraction in the Chaos around me?! It takes an effort to shift OUT of Stinking Thinking and IN to considering Self-Care...what would best soothe and recenter me: coloring a mandala? Journaling? A good shake in the shower to get all of the Energetic Gunk out of my system? Going for a walk?

So with this wee reminder that I tend to focus on Chaos first, regardless of whether it's outside or inside, I can use the question, "Where Am I Putting My Attention?" as a prompt to redirect myself from the useless noisy Chaos and find something more Orderly, look in my toolbox of Self-Care, and choose something from that to consider instead. I know I have gotten way out of practice with Self-Care, and I need to get back into regular trips to the well of Self-Care if I'm going to make it through this odyssey.

Here's a small confession: I have forgotten So Much of what I used to do for Self-Care. It's like when I started taking this whole caregiving task seriously, all of my previous learning and research and  Wisdom went completely out the window. It's like my Journey of Spirit was erased in one swift stroke, and I went back to being an "ordinary" woman trying to cope with extraordinary demands, because Cancer and Dementia demand ALL of your attention, and then some! Now I am trying to regather the pieces of myself to see what is still here, what is salvageable, and what I need to toss. I am starting from Square One all over again, with this blog, with my Morning Pages, with a bare bones morning routine, and now with a prompt. Where Am I Putting My Attention now? and now? and oh yes, now?